The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - A beautiful life awaits

Episode Date: June 5, 2022

Happy Pentecost!come and see the show in melbourne this saturday please June 11: https://www.eventbrite.com.au/e/james-donald-forbes-mccann-aesthetic-melbourne-tickets-333373969517join the patreon: ht...tps://www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! It wasn't recording. Ah boy, you've missed it.
Starting point is 00:00:19 You've missed it, I haven't been recording it. Well, there we go, that's just my luck. I was just having a conversation, and I tried to record some of the end of it. A conversation with my friend Anna Freer, who is in Switzerland and who is a classical musician studying the classical violin. And here's my thought. And we'll talk about other stuff in the podcast. I'm going back to Melbourne this week. I'm very emotional about that. Please come and see my show this Saturday in Melbourne. Tickets on sale now. Someone said to me this week, James, I'm sure I'm too late.
Starting point is 00:00:52 I bet that's already sold out. And I wanted to say, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. No. No, they are not sold out. Tickets are available. So I was just talking with my friend Anna Freer about, well, we've spoken about many things, about how much a burden one can take on. What is an easy choice?
Starting point is 00:01:14 What is a difficult choice? What is community? What can one with prayer do to make life easier? Jesus, I trust in you. This sort of stuff. But what we also spoke about that is now lost because I was not using it. I mean, am I recording now? Boy, you've missed it.
Starting point is 00:01:31 Gosh, this is what happens when you get the microphone out at 6pm on a Sunday night for a Monday morning podcast. You make mistakes anyway. But it doesn't matter if we do make mistakes. It's important that we have open hearts and we move forward together. Listen. Affirmation. I would like, as one of the plans, and I think I'm going to do it this year, knock on glass, because there's no wood available,
Starting point is 00:01:57 I would like to do a classical music concert. Anna knows the classical musicians of Adelaide. There are many. They want to do a show. They want to get paid. And then I have some fans. Maybe they like classical music. And then outside of that, there are people who want to go and see classical music. All my life, I've been promoting and doing stand-up comedy gigs. And stand-up comedy is something, excuse me, almost nobody wants to go and see it. Only, please forgive me for saying this,
Starting point is 00:02:29 because you're probably part of stand-up comedy audiences, as one of my listeners. Strange, disaffected people choose to do and attend stand-up comedy, myself included. But classical music, that's old people with money. So what if I can organise, through the catamaran plan, some sort of classical music concert to make money?
Starting point is 00:02:52 Just a thought at the moment. Just a thought. I know other people in the classical music establishment in Adelaide, and it's Pentecost. And Pentecost is the holiday of the Holy Spirit and so we must use the paraclete and if it is incumbent upon me to put on a classical music concert of some kind
Starting point is 00:03:18 maybe in a car park using my friends Anna Freer and Samuel McDonagh Sam, if you're listening we have to catch up properly. We can't just talk about it during the third quarter of the football. Although that was great. The Crowboys had a big win.
Starting point is 00:03:33 But it was a big win over a very bad team. So it did not really get the dopamine firing in the brain. Is this part of the podcast? Have we started yet? Hello and welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan Podcast. A shorter episode this week than last week, I should anticipate. Although last week, the quantity episode turned out to be the most downloads for an episode in a 24-hour period we've ever had.
Starting point is 00:04:07 Round of applause. Baby, make that ass clap. It was so impressive and exciting. However, the overall number of episodes listened to, the downloads, the metric that actually makes sense for making money, did not go up by any more than the amount you would expect. We always go up by roughly the same amount adjusted for seasonal variation. Which means, I think, that people eagerly anticipated and got their hands onto the
Starting point is 00:04:40 quantity episode, but then probably found that that was quite enough for the week. Thank you. So lesson one going forward from the quantity episode is, hey, maybe that's too much quantity. Certainly more than 17 minutes is necessary so we don't get complaints. But I think the hour 12, even if that does fill up the commute, worth maybe having two episodes to fill up the commute. So today's episode, I'm recording it late. It's been a weird big week. A friend has come to stay and that's been very wonderful. I've been getting some work. It's just been a disrupted, strange week getting ready to go to Melbourne as well. And I want to talk about that too. So this one's not going to be as long, but I think long term,
Starting point is 00:05:26 I think there's something about half an hour. Doesn't that sound right? Half an hour. Isn't that the perfect amount of time? Half an hour. How long is an episode of Frasier? Half an hour. How long does it take to, well, I guess have a drink at a bar? You know, about half an hour. Half an hour. About half an hour.
Starting point is 00:05:50 Half an hour. A little less than half an hour. A little more than half an hour. Depending. But if you're having like two beers an hour. Half an hour. That's probably pretty good. Two pints an hour.
Starting point is 00:06:00 Half an hour. So long term, we'll aim for half an hour now listen i'm sorry this saturday coming to melbourne to do a show bittersweet for me to come to melbourne to do a show i had to leave melbourne as a refugee during the coronavirus and what i told myself when i was leaving was and moving back to adelaide what i told myself was well was leaving was, and moving back to Adelaide, what I told myself was, well, it doesn't matter if I live there. I've done enough to break Melbourne now and to win a fan base in Melbourne that people will want to come and see me do my show anyway. And it's not necessary for me to live here.
Starting point is 00:06:40 Oh, is that true? I don't know. So time will tell. Doing two shows this Saturday of Aesthetic. Final shows of the tour. Ticket sales as ever for James Donald Forbes McCann. I rally at the end. It'll be zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, a hundred. That's a day-by-day tally that I was trying to say there. Because people know
Starting point is 00:07:06 that, first of all, it won't sell out. Secondly, if I do sell out, they can just come anyway. And thirdly, they probably don't know what they're going to do that night. I don't have... There are some comedians whose audiences are people with children, older people, people who need to make plans and book babysitters. I'm thinking of, well, I'm assuming, you know, if you're going to go and see Denise Scott, and her name only comes to me because I love the work of Denise Scott. Here's another one. Kitty Flanagan. Just because I love Kitty Flanagan and she's on the ABC. Here's another. Because I love Kitty Flanagan and she's on the ABC. Here's another.
Starting point is 00:07:44 Judith Lucy. All right. Here's another. No, that'll do. Say that. M. Rusciano is maybe a better example. If you're going to the M. Rusciano show, you've got kids probably. Or you're older and you've got a busier schedule. So you buy the tickets and you make your plans
Starting point is 00:08:05 in advance. But for James Donald Forbes McCann, I attract a young, sexy clientele of wild and out party people. And they don't buy their tickets until the day because they don't know if something better is going to come along and often it will. So buy those tickets make my manager calm down and we're doing these last two shows in Melbourne to make up for not having been there for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and wouldn't it be just absolutely lovely if this did work out and then I knew going forward well I don't have to do the Melbourne International Comedy Festival anymore. I have a big audience on my own and maybe they can try and get me to come back with the offer of prizes and gala spots and under the table handshake cash in a paper bag
Starting point is 00:08:59 deals. But as it stands, I don't want to just go to the Melbourne Comedy Festival and be a number. So many people go to that festival just to be a number, just to hang out and to have the experience. I can't have, excuse me, my phone fell off. I'm not here for experiences anymore. I'm here for, to do my art and to have sweet cash money and to go back to Melbourne and to see all my wonderful fans who I love and to feel sad that I don't live in Melbourne. Also the boat. I'm actually perfectly content not living in Melbourne and perfectly content living in Adelaide,
Starting point is 00:09:34 but I did only leave Melbourne because of the plague and because of the lockdowns. And so every time I'm back there, it feels like I'm a little bit... You know, it reminds me that I had to leave not on my terms, that I... There's no sense being shy about it. I am a refugee. So the people of Melbourne, please come and see me, the refugee, the second happiest refugee. Ando is happier than I am. A couple of things to talk about on today's episode. Just checking that the microphone was working. A couple of things I really do need to talk about on today's episode. Just checking that the microphone was working.
Starting point is 00:10:07 A couple of things I really do need to talk about other than the Melbourne shows, tickets in the buyer, and the other thing I spoke about, the classical music concert that is just in the back of my mind's eye today on Pentecost. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime. Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back. CBC News brings the story to you as it happens. Hundreds of wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. The situation has changed very quickly.
Starting point is 00:10:45 Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. ...cost that it might be... Oh, I can just... In the recesses, it's back there. The echo. I think it could work.
Starting point is 00:11:04 All right. Number one. The echo. I think it could work. All right. Number one. Clout. I appeared today for you yesterday on Sam Peterson's podcast. Had a great time with Redown. The Confessions of the Idiots. Now, I've appeared on this podcast before. And many of you, I think, discovered this podcast through that podcast. And I must say, this second appearance has not resulted in as dramatic a bump to the clout.
Starting point is 00:11:31 And I think that's because I already, with the previous appearance, basically got everyone who would be interested in me in my podcast, and they've come on board already. So I want to say thank you to all of you, including Act in Zimbabwe, who I was about to say edited, but I actually haven't edited. That's the one thing I haven't done, who I interviewed this week. We had a great chat. I'm going to edit that podcast and that will be coming up soon. The chat I had about doing shows in Zimbabwe with Act, he was wonderful and is a real person.
Starting point is 00:12:10 act. He was wonderful and is a real person. So, clout. We remain steeped in the issue of clout, how to get it, what to do about it. Well, here was my idea that I had this week. Rather than offering to go on as talent to other people's podcasts, since we do have some money for our own podcast that we've accumulated and we're looking and we know that that's the best place other people's podcasts to get them listening to this podcast my thought was what if i just bought ads on other people's podcasts right what if i pay for a live read so i i don't need to go on the Little Dumb Dumb Club was my thought. And hey, if the Dumb Dumbs are listening, hello boys. It'd be lovely to be invited on and to try and steal your audience and obtain more clout
Starting point is 00:12:55 because it's a very successful podcast that you have. But I did write this week to Tommy and Carl saying hello, Tommy and Carl of the Little Dum Dum Club, one of the most successful podcasts in the comedy genre in Australia, and say, can I please buy some advertising on your show, perhaps a live read? And I can imagine, you know, you tune into the Dum Dum Club and, hey, mates, well, if you're enjoying the Little Dum Dum Club, you'll love the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. And then they could do some banter about it or something.
Starting point is 00:13:28 And then people will come and listen to me. So I've written to them. They have not written back. I don't know if they thought I was kidding. I'm not kidding. If you're a listener and you know Tommy and Carl, I don't have a very close relationship with Tommy or Carl. We are aware of one another.
Starting point is 00:13:44 And I've had some friendly conversations with both over the last, perhaps, decade. But we don't have a close relationship. And, you know, I'm being serious. If they or any of the other people that I wrote to this week asking for their media kits and the cost of a live read
Starting point is 00:14:01 would like to get back to me, I would appreciate that. We have real money. We can spend it and grow that clout. Oh, who else did I write to? I wrote to Bill Burr. I wrote to Jordan Peterson. He has a huge army of followers. I wrote to the Your Mum's House podcast, Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura. I wrote to Tim Dillon and you might be saying, hey James, this is very, very male. Well, you'll be happy to know that I also wrote to the Look 3 Chat 10, Looks 3 Chats 10, the Annabelle Crabbe and Lee Sales podcast, which I do enjoy listening to.
Starting point is 00:14:45 And I wrote to them and they were the only ones to have gotten back to me. Their producer got back to me with their rates. I cannot afford to advertise on that show yet. But when I can, I look forward to it. They sent me through their rates and I saw how many downloads they have per episode. It's a very impressive number. They even break down into the ages of the people and the genders. And boy, that is an overwhelmingly female listenership.
Starting point is 00:15:13 And I love having females on the listenership. I love having males and females. It's not all, you know, MMA and roasting meat here on the James Donovan Forbes McCann Catamaran plan. I want as many fans as possible, men and women together. You know, I've realized this week that's what's so exciting about the big, successful, the really, really successful TV shows for young people. Younger children, you children, seven and above. Because we have the television on sometimes at the moment. We don't usually, but at the moment I've had a little bit of ABC Kids on in the background for my children to watch.
Starting point is 00:15:56 And every girls' show is like this. This is what I've noticed, right? Every girls' show is like, ah, we're all friends and someone needs to bake a cake. But there's no eggs. We must find the eggs. We've found them. And now we bake the cake. Wonderful.
Starting point is 00:16:18 It's like low stakes, friends helping each other. This is what TV for girls is. TV for boys is more like this. There's an insane man trying to destroy the universe. And if he's not stopped, the universe will be destroyed. It's extremely high stakes, very, very high stakes, lots of fighting, lots of conflict. And the shows that are truly successful for young people
Starting point is 00:16:47 are the ones that marry the two concepts. This is the insight that I've had. Think about Avatar, The Last Airbender. They're trying to fight a genocidal army taking over the world. Appeals to the young boys. But how do they have to stop this insanely powerful army? By baking a cake for the man in that neighborhood to get them the information that they need to continue on their journey. That's what the girls want. You use both. You have the big,
Starting point is 00:17:17 big stakes in the background and then these small interpersonal stakes in the foreground. And I think of Pokemon. Pokemon always had some big, very high stakes thing happening in the background. But then in the foreground, I have to clean a squirtle's shell to win a beauty pageant. And only then can I become the greatest, most powerful, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's about both. And that's what I hope we can do in the James Donald Forbes, McCann, Canterbury, and is marry both men and women
Starting point is 00:17:56 in unity and strength. I don't want any boxes for my audience. I just want big audiences. Let's not close ourselves down. Let's be open. And some people are saying, Well, James, what about people who aren't men or women? The intersex.
Starting point is 00:18:15 And I must say, I would like nothing more than to become the biggest and most successful podcast among the intersex. If that is the market that we end up hitting, for whatever reason, I would welcome my intersex fans with open arms. And if we have any intersex fans listening, I want you to know, thank you. Now, moving on.
Starting point is 00:18:42 It's important to have a bit of length in this podcast where i can and part of that is through having segments that are easily replicable and then there's just a little five minutes there and i was trying to think of new segments we used to have the open letter segment and that was wildly unsuccessful in terms of getting responses from the recipients of those open letters. So we've stopped doing that. And of course, I love saying the affirmations at the end of the podcast. That is a great joy to me. Affirmations. But I was thinking, what else could we do? And here's the idea that came to me. News, right? Everybody loves news. And there are news bureaus in Adelaide, Everybody loves news, and there are news bureaus in Adelaide, Melbourne, right across the world.
Starting point is 00:19:28 News bureaus. You know one place where there's no news bureaus? The ocean. And what do people who listen to this podcast want to think about? Me on the ocean. And that's why, as a no-brainer, I'd like to introduce our new segment, Ocean News. News! News! News! Here's today's Ocean News. It comes from Japan. 83-year-old becomes oldest man to sail solo across Pacific Ocean.
Starting point is 00:20:02 Isn't that lovely? And it's got a picture of him, and you won't be able to see him, but he is old. He is an old Japanese man. And he is known as Japan's most famous yachtsman. Isn't that wonderful? And 83, I'm reading this on Geo News, by the way, which is, if anything, it's a terrible place to have it,
Starting point is 00:20:28 because geo, I think, means land, and this is ocean news if ever I've heard of it. An 83-year-old man sailed solo across the world's largest body of water, the Pacific Ocean, making himself the world's oldest person to have completed the challenge, reported The Guardian. Well, reported The Guardian, reported Geo News, reported Ocean News on the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan.
Starting point is 00:20:56 He's known as Japan's most famous yachtsman, and his name is Kenichi Horiez. And now he said he was afraid that his age would not allow him to set the record. Do you reckon I can just read this word for word? Is that allowed to read someone else's article out loud? They do that on the radio show for blind people, where they just read the advertiser newspaper. I tell you what, I'll basically read what they do, and I'll add some of my own words in so it's not stealing. How's that? After spending two months at the sea, fam, y'all know what I'm saying.
Starting point is 00:21:33 He reached the waters of the Key Peninsula in Western Japan. All right. All right. At 2.39 a.m. in the morning. Man, that's so early. Is that changing it enough? I don't know. But here's a lovely thing. And I loved reading this in the story. The octogenarian had an inspirational message. And the message is this. Quote. Don't let your dreams just stay as dreams.
Starting point is 00:22:03 Have a goal and work towards achieving this. And a beautiful life awaits. Well, isn't that remarkable? Isn't that wonderful? Don't let your dreams just stay as dreams. Have a goal and work towards achieving this, and a beautiful life awaits. Kenichi, the 83-year-old famous yachtsman, I appreciate that message, and I'm going to try and incorporate that message into my life. I might write that onto my own mug, and I'm certainly going to incorporate that where I can into the catamaran plan. Here's another little bit from the story I noticed. This is not the first time he sailed across the ocean. When he was 23, he did the same trip from Japan to
Starting point is 00:22:46 California. And when I read that, I thought, oh, and then I quickly did some maths to ensure that he wasn't 23 during the Second World War. He wasn't. It was afterwards. It's fine. Well, that's today's instalment of Ocean News. Ocean News! You wake up, you're on your drive to work. Oh, I've listened to the land news. It's all war and strife and difficulty and inflation. Maybe I'd like to hear news about a different kind of inflation.
Starting point is 00:23:21 Vessels on the ocean. Ocean News! vessels on the ocean ocean news and so maybe that's a path that we could look at taking for the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan I'm just saying affirmations
Starting point is 00:23:33 affirmations now it's time for don't let your dreams just stay as dreams affirmation have a goal and work towards achieving this. Affirmation. And a beautiful life awaits.
Starting point is 00:23:51 Please don't forget to come to those shows in Melbourne. It's a good show. It's a show I don't want to do anymore. It's too hard and sad to do. It's all hard. And doing it in Melbourne will be hard and sad as well. But it'll be very funny for you. But inside, I might have to have a couple of vodka and tonics after the second
Starting point is 00:24:11 performance. Can't believe I'm doing it twice on the same night. That seems absolutely mental. And I don't know what I was thinking, agreeing to that. I tell you what, come to the early show if you'd like to see something professional. Come to the latter show if you'd like more of what you've heard on this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. Catamaran ho. God bless you. God keep you. Goodbye. Thank you. Thank you. We'll see you next time. Life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you,
Starting point is 00:26:26 whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca.

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