The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - AAA (audio advice addition)

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

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Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Hey, welcome to the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan, the podcast where I, James Donald Forbes McCann, am trying to raise enough money to buy a boat. A podcast already came out this week. It's over on YouTube. More of a YouTube video than a podcast if I'm not

uploading the audio only to the podcast segment. It's a wonderful video. It's called Norton Summit. It's me cycling up a hill doing this podcast. It looks absolutely beautiful. Sam Clark did a great job shooting it. Paul did a great job driving the car. But the audio from that podcast is very huff-puff. It's me having a real difficult time cycling up a hill and with the visual component, wow. Why would you want to miss that? Go and check that out over on the YouTube. But you deserve an audio component as well.

Just something you can listen to without worrying about the tyrannical eyes. You know, maybe you're out working in a gym. Maybe you're going for a drive. Maybe you work at a butcher shop and you're cutting up venison. Whatever it is that you're out working in a gym maybe you're going for a drive maybe you work at a butcher shop and you're cutting up venison whatever it is that you're doing with your eyes right now congratulations i hope you have a good time with those sweet eyes of yours but you deserve something for the ears too so that's what this podcast is i'm not going to bother uploading the audio from

the huffy puffy up the mountain video you get your own exclusive audio podcast right here from your friend and mine james donald forbes mccann who's also going to tell you about his upcoming tour sold out all the adelaide shows wow that's good stuff we're coming to perth we sold out the first perth show we added a second one sydney and brisbane those shows were selling so well that extra shows have been added there as well and just the one melbourne show because it's a huge room i mean frankly if i sell that one out I'm not going to add another show in Melbourne, that would be hubris, I'm going from selling a 50 seater to a damn near 500 seater in Melbourne, this has been an incredible six months, I thank you for coming with me for the

ride, we are getting closer to the boat, day by day, baby, but anyway, the audio podcast, the one that I'm doing now, I thought we'd do some advice. I put up a thing on the Instagram saying, would you like some advice? Hey, and people have written back and we love doing the advice podcasts because the ladies love it. It's one of the, we need more lady listeners to this podcast if I'm to buy a boat so that they can listen to the ads so we can make more money. And I've found that women love a couple kinds of podcasts. They like true crime podcasts. And they, not that fake crime. No, no, no.

True. Not that true keeping it within the law. It's not a riff that I'm particularly happy with. Anyway, advice podcasts. We're doing it now. I asked people on Instagram for, you know, I didn't ask them for advice. I asked them to ask me for advice in their lives.

We've done it before. We're doing it again. Let's kick it off. First person writes, how to keep your bitches in check. Somehow I feel that's not a piece of advice that the ladies will love hearing, but I mean, genuinely the answer there is love. Also, you shouldn't be keeping multiple bitches in check. You should keep your main bitch in check, of course, and she should keep you in check. You should be across for one another. But this is definitely not a polyamorous podcast. You should monogamously keep your bitch in check,

and you should do that without fear without violence without negativity you should do that with love patience respect setting a good example kindness how do you like that all right next one should i continue with an education in arts or drop out to start an art business brackets jewelry wow I can't answer that question because I don't know how good your jewelry is. I had one friend, she started her own jewelry business and it sounds like the finances of that are very difficult because getting involved in the business world is, especially in the arts, very seldom about how good you are at the thing. You might make absolutely beautiful jewelry, but I've known really several jewelers. It's weird that I would. I know three independent jewelers, and they, you know, some make better stuff than others, but they're all very talented people,

and I think none of them have had an easy breezy financial time, because I think a lot of the jewelry stuff, a lot of the art stuff, if you want to be a shoe designer if you want to make hats it's a lot to do with marketing so if you are getting into jewelry business as your full-time thing just be prepared that making the good jewelry i'm sure that's a part of it but there's going to be other stuff to take into account too that said an education in arts well it, I don't know what arts you're doing, but there's a way to do that that's good for the soul. If you're studying jewellery, maybe you should hang in there, give yourself the best chance of coming out the other side

equipped and registered. I don't know. I don't know much about it. I'm very grateful that you've asked me this question about whether or not you should have a jewellery business, but I don't really know. But I think finishing an arts degree, if it is a more vague general arts degree is something that i would recommend so long as you're studying good hard interesting stuff

and not just like a you know social studies and um or you know if you're studying the real things that's great if you're studying the fake things that's nothing the arts degree is the biggest degree by which you can either come out of it with a lot or with nothing, just depending on the classes you pick. There's a whole lot of bullshit in there. But good luck to you. Someone says, jump on my podcast, please. You know, I'd like to. I don't have a lot of time at the moment, but if we can do it down the line over the Zoom

and it won't take much more than 40 minutes, I'll see if I can do it. The next person writes, why Adelaide weather so bad? They've used the S word, but I've already gone to the effort of editing one of those out of this podcast thus far. No, Adelaide's weather's not bad. Adelaide's weather's glorious. I can see why you've said that today because it's a bit rainy and it's a bit cold. But I've been in Austin for the last few months where it was, to put it in Celsius, felt like above 40 degrees every day, no letting off. You just couldn't go outside.

At least here, man, it's not that cold. You put on a big fluffy jumper and you're fine. But I will say, something that is bad about Adelaide's weather is not the weather itself. It's unbelievably mild and pleasant weather. But as a result of the mild and pleasant weather, the homes aren't really built to deal with the cold. So it gets a little, a tiny little bit cold. It becomes trouser weather rather than the shorts that we all love, show off our beautiful legs. And people start complaining. show off our beautiful legs and people start complaining just buy a heater you know put in the work how about a little insulation i tell you i've been in i've now been in very very cold

temperatures in america with so so cold that it doesn't snow i don't know that it mostly snowed on the warmer days after the big big cold snap but then you get inside the house and it's so toasty with such beautiful heating and such lovely rugs. We could do that here and then the Adelaide weather wouldn't seem so bad. So I'd say make your house warmer. You have wonderful weather here in Adelaide, some of the finest weather in the world. We should cherish it. Next question is fiber.

I don't know what that means. The next question is the Sunday blues. Oh, what to do with the Sunday blues? Get up and go to mass. Then there'll be the Sunday blues. Oh, what to do with the Sunday blues? Get up and go to mass. Then there'll be the Monday blues. Next person writes, I want a tattoo, but I don't know where to get it on my body. I would strongly advise you against getting a tattoo unless it's a cool tribal tattoo and you're Samoan or Maori or something like that.

But if you absolutely must get a tattoo, I would say do it on the face or the hands. Those are the only bold, adventurous places to get a tattoo. If you get that tattoo, you know, you'll see people getting tattoos right up to the sleeves, and that's because often they've got a working-class mother who says, you know, one day you might get a real job, so just do it up to the cuff. Don't do the full arm tattoo, but leave your hands so that one day you can have a real job sitting down.

But I say, if you absolutely, absolutely must get a tattoo, and please, please don't do it. But if you must get it, go the face or the hands, or else you're a coward. Falling in love, this person asks. Falling in love with someone else who is your friend, and you are married with a coward. Falling in love, this person asks, falling in love with someone else who is your friend and you are married with a child. Yeah, well, don't see that friend anymore. That's all the advice that I can give you on that. You're married, you have a child, you have an obligation to your wife and child over and above your own personal gratification, falling in love with a friend. And frankly, you'll probably fall in love

five or six more times this year. It's not that hard to fall in love. It's not that hard to get over falling in love if you nip that in the bud early. And I'll tell you what is very hard, putting a marriage back together and repairing the damage that you've done to your child. So just don't see that person any...

You know, go for a run, go for a cycle. Go for a swim. Someone else is trying to get me on Brisbane's smallest podcasts hosted by Brisbane's worst open mic. I'll tell you what. If you can show up to my hotel and, you know, if I can eat breakfast while you're doing it, I'll do it. Hit me up. More affirmations.

Oh, affirmation. I will have more affirmations. How's that? How do you like that? All right. So many. Wonderful. Man, the podcast is blowing up.

We've got so many questions. This has only been up for like 30 minutes. Best way to eat when in a car. The answer is while driving. I ate a beautiful McDonald's meal while driving yesterday. Burger in hand., or chips in the drinks compartment. No better way to do it. You know, I say the greatest spice of all is almost having an accident. A guide to choosing a partner or a spouse, challenging, but if you can, I've said

this before, this is always my dating advice, and I feel like a clanging gong or a broken record. If it's harder to live without the person, marry them. If you're just alone and you're looking for someone to comfort you in your loneliness, you're going to be way more lonely in the marriage. So choose a partner or a spouse that it is more difficult for you not to live with than to live with, I would say. How do I get a green card, brother? Someone asks. Hey, if I figure that out, I'll let you know. I don't have one. So many great pieces of advice people ask me for. When do you forego condom in new relationships from the jump. Never use a condom.

Next one, I'm having a baby. Maybe someone who took my condom advice to heart. That was quick. Having a baby. My baby girl is coming in August and I don't know what I'm doing. Help! Yeah, welcome to the club. There's no good,

no one will be able to help you. No one will be able to tell you what to do. You'll just get more and more and more afraid. And then the baby will come and you'll get even more afraid. And that anxiety is going to help you do the right thing. So don't think that there's any advice I can give you that's going to help. You're going to become a guy who has a child. You're going to become a dad. And you're going to suffer a lot. And that suffering is very important. It's going to help you orient yourself in the direction you need to be for your child. Okay, summer or winter?

Oh, I would say Australian winter, American summer. Although that Austin summer has been deeply unpleasant. I understand that summer in other parts of America is not so bad. Australian summer, I mean, the big downside of the Australian summer is that the country is on fire. Most of the time, the country's on fire. But on the other hand, Australia Day, you have a barbecue, you punch a few darts, you drink a couple of ice cold bevies, you have a real nice time. I mean, either way, mate, autumn, fall, that's the good one. Everything else is just a waste of time. Spring, so depressing. The cruelest month.

Someone writes to me they've got two kids and am driven. Oh, two kids under two. And I'm driven to the point of insanity. How would James Donald Forbes McCann relax himself? He'd shout at the whole family. And he'd take a belt of scotch and start chewing nicotine gum. So don't do it that way. Exercise. I feel a little better for having done that cycle yesterday. I must find some exercise to do today. I think exercise and prayer, they're not fun necessarily. They're not easy. It does help. Oh, but there are many other ways to relax as well tiger balm i've rediscovered tiger balm didn't have that in america let's not forget the joy of ibuprofen oh the body's feeling a little uptight you have a hot shower and an ibuprofen and

some port that's pretty good reading if you can read. I love going for a long drive. I love going for a long scenic drive and listening to some popular music. That never fails to make me feel a little better. Okay, come on. Here we go. This person asks, I don't drink and my hobbies are only done by dudes.

How does an introvert meet a gal? Ah, it's tough. What a toughie. I mean, I met and continue to meet women. Of course, I don't pursue it for romantic ends at the moment. But when I do meet a new woman, it's usually I'm doing stand-up comedy. Or I've just come off stage. Or I'm at a comedy festival.

And they'll just be women around. And the virtue of that is you seem more interesting than you really are to the opposite sex, having just been on a stage and having everybody look at you. So if you can do something that is really impressive to women, even if that's a pursuit only done by dudes if it's a thing that dudes do that ladies like that could be good it's very hard to it's very hard to meet a lady uh you don't have them be interested especially in this age of the apps which i'm not on the apps but i back in the day when there were no apps when i was out on

the prowl uh it felt relatively reasonable to let somebody know you thought they were nice looking and you'd like to take them out somewhere uh but now my guess would be that that's so much on the apps that people don't want it in public as much so i guess i'd say get a man it feels gross saying it but i guess i'd say get on the apps uh being a good husband you figure that out you let me know love love compassion same thing as the other one a lot of questions about circumcision male adult circumcision circumcision should i get a circumcision if Male adult circumcision, circumcision. Should I get a circumcision? If you need a circumcision, get it, but otherwise, it's unnecessary. Beautiful, but not necessary. Ah, here's a meaty one. How do my wife and I afford daycare? Two kids and spend more on daycare

than our house. This will only work if you're in the united states but have you considered a hispanic lady seems like there are lots and lots of hispanic ladies who for not a you know more actually that might be more expensive than daycare would be having a private nanny it's hard i don't know i mean the answer we've got is the wife doesn't work because she doesn't like working and we're very happy having her at home with the kids. I mean, obviously not financially. Financially, it's wretched. But this is not a society built for a single income home, especially when the single income is a man who talks into a microphone about how much he wants a boat. But that is currently that and the stand-up comedy are the only real sources of income.

Do you have a trusted sister? Do you have a trusted aunt? Are these solutions for you? Obviously don't get a man to come and mind your kids this. Too much that can go wrong. And not to say that that can't go wrong. Perks of being a wallflower style with a lady.

But yeah, if you can get someone you trust to come and help and look out i mean it's community right daycare is it's not an ideal sometimes you'll hear the left-wing mainstream media talking about how important daycare is but really daycare is a stopgap caused by people not having extended families ready to help them and also by women being forced into the workforce, many of whom don't want to be in the workforce. Whereas actually what we need is just enough money so that we can pay attention to and love our children. So I would say it's always going to be super expensive, is the daycare. It looks very, very expensive, and I know some women,

they enjoy going to work, but then the daycare is more expensive than the money they're making at that job. And it seems not good. It doesn't seem like a good solution. I would say try and avoid daycare if you can. If there's a way to not have daycare, if there's a way to have a community-based approach to that, go for that instead, please, I would say. Next question. How do you plan to keep a loving and open friendship with Eve while keeping her quiet?

And the answer to that is love and respect and communication. Eve is an incredible person. And one of the best things about Eve is you really can tell her how you feel. This is really important for any friendship, any relationship of any kind, interpersonal, romantic, family members. If you can't really talk to a person, you can't really have relationship. You've got to be able to be honest and open and forthcoming and respectful. And Eve is very good at being a friend in that way. You can really talk to Eve.

And boy, will she really tell you if she disagrees. I love Eve. She's a wonderful, wonderful person. I got ringworm, this next person asks. What should I do? See a doctor, champ. Next person asks, I need advice on which who to vote for in November. I'm sorry, brother.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I don't know what more you need to see. I'm not calling this election one way or the other. I'm not getting involved, but boy, I know who I'd be voting for. I know. I mean, how much more information do you require at this point to make a choice? Oh, someone wants to know about being present. I assume they mean wrapping yourself up in a big bow and presenting yourself physically to the loved one. But maybe they mean living in the now. I don't know.

I'm extremely bad at living in the now. And I am overcome by, I mean, that's why I'm doing a podcast about buying a boat in the future, because I don't really like living in the now. And I'm sure I have a real nasty wake-up surprise coming when I do finally get around to it. If I finally get the boat, I'm going to feel like a Japanese businessman

who always got the promotion that he'd yearned for for decades, and then it's a swift trip to the suicide forest for him. No, that won't happen to me. But you've got to enjoy the now. I don't know what the answer is to enjoying the now. But I will say I'm enjoying now, right now, right now, at this moment, doing this podcast, talking to you, answering these advice questions from my dear sweet listeners. I do enjoy it, getting into that flow state. Not that I think I'm there necessarily, but do you know when you're playing chess, I don't know if you know what it's like when you're playing chess

at the highest possible level, and hours go by, and you don't really notice, and you lose on time, but you know what I'm saying, I find it with the making of music, sometimes with writing a poem, I'll have an idea for a poem and I'll get up from bed. It'll be 11 o'clock. I've gone to bed at a reasonable time. And then I'll slump on the couch and I'll start writing the poem and I'll finally finish the poem and I'll go, holy dooly, it's 3.30 in the morning. Where has that time gone? That's the way to enjoy the present is to do something where you lose track of the present you're so i mean ah i want to appreciate the present this is not an answer that's not a way to actually

appreciate the present you've got to do something that you really love getting stuck into i'd say now someone has written that their girlfriend has a very smelly woman area. How can I inform her of this? Luckily, I've never had to approach that particular issue myself. Yeah, there's probably no good way to talk about it. You either have to live with that forever or break up. You can never actually raise it as a problem. I just can't imagine a world where that goes well. Also, you shouldn't know what that area smells like if

you're not married. Get yourself together. Do the right thing. Stop being a coward. All right. This person says, how do I develop as a stand up in Australia and then moving to America? I mean, if ever there was a piece of advice that I felt qualified to give much better than the stank pussy advice I would say uh you got to get a visa and to get the visa you need someone to put you forward for the visa and you need a lot of money and you need probably some awards in Australia I was very lucky to have some awards because I lived in Adelaide. And it's a small enough scene that if you hang out here long enough, everybody's getting some awards.

But they don't know that on the visa application. They just think, hey, he won an award from a city. And you go, it's not that impressive to win an award here. To me, it's really good and I'm very happy to win. But there are definitely some people who've won awards here in the past who I think, really? And the other thing is to start meeting Americans. Americans come and they tour Australia all the time. America is a very hierarchical system.

The business doesn't run stand-up comedy nearly as much as other comedians run stand-up comedy. And I've been very, very blessed to get to open for some incredible in in particular the first American that I opened for and it really gelled with was my dear friend Shane Gillis a great man I miss him very much and he has so kindly taken me under his wing and so many things became possible as a result of that. So I would say become friends with the most talented and successful comedian in the world, whoever that is at the time you need to do it. And that's really going to help.

Okay, this person writes, James, I need a rich husband who loves the Lord. Please help me. Oh, honey, ridiculous. I'm sorry, absolutely ridiculous. That's no way to go about it. Based on that question, I'd say you were pursuing marriage for the wrong reasons and I would get yourself to a convent lickety split.

Next person writes, how to have a family. Just don't wear the condom. Should you seek happiness or accomplishment? Now, by the way, if you want to know how to have a good family, that's a different answer. But obviously the sex act is a good way to have a family. Not that that or, you know, sometimes people do that and they have trouble. Pregnancy is not immediately forthcoming.

It's not a problem that we've had in our particular marriage. Gee, these kids just keep on showing up. But, I mean, how to really have a family, to have and to hold, not just generate a family. I mean, I say, look at what the Italians do and do that. Don't do all of it necessarily. But Italians seem really good at having big, you know, a lot of these ethnic peoples, they're better at having big families rather than just little nuclear little atoms. Be like wogs is what I would say. Wogs is an Australian term for Mediterranean peoples.

It's perfectly acceptable and wogs don't mind you saying it nowadays. Young cool wogs, that is. Oh, next person asks, should you seek happiness or accomplishment? Happiness, obviously. Accomplishment is, you have no control over that. next person asks should you seek happiness or accomplishment happiness obviously accomplishment is uh you have no control over that you have it's just a it's a crapshoot if you seek happiness maybe you'll do accomplished things if you seek accomplishment you may lose your very soul and even then there's no guarantee that it's going to work out do you know how many people never make it?

I'm doing better now than I've ever done before and there are so many people who are better than me at what I do. Don't ask me to name them. Couldn't come up with a list if I tried. But theoretically there are people who are much, much better than what I do who are not doing as well. It's a crapshoot. You just have to ride that wheel of fortune and enjoy it and work hard as best you can. Yes, seek happiness. Don't even seek happiness. That's hedonism. Seek first the kingdom of God, and then there'll maybe be some happiness for you there. I pooped six times in

one day. Is it over for me? Nah, it just sounds like you might be a little stressed, might have eaten something. I mean, if it's only one time in one day, if you're pooping six times a day every single day, there are some other questions to ask. Do I have an office job that I hate? Maybe the bowel is trying to help you not have to be in that office anymore. I've been there. I've done that. But I'd say, yeah, definitely attempt fiber. Oh, this is going as well as one could hope it to go. Someone asks, how will you attend Mass when sailing around the world? Priest is first mate. Rations of communion.

I wouldn't take rations of communion. I think that's disrespectful. And you still have to be present for the Mass. My hope is to just dock in a different port every Sunday. I don't know. I don't know if that's possible. I don't know if you can make it across the Pacific. Well, we're not going across the Pacific Ocean.

I think we should be able to stop in a port at least on Sundays. That would be my current plan. How to quit law and start a career in comedy, someone asks. Well, that is exactly what I did. Do really badly in law and resolve that you're never going to do any better. That only worked for me, but hopefully that works for you too. Hi, James. What are some fun hobbies I should get into as a 23-year-old man? Well, let me think about this from the angle of being a 30-something. I

forget exactly. 33? I think we're 33 now. As a 33-year-old man, here are some things I wish that I had 10 years of experience of right now. Number one, the saxophone. Played it when I was a kid. Stopped playing it later on. Gee, I wish I could play the saxophone. A lot of these are going to be instruments. Piano accordion.

Harpsichord. Mandolin. Here's a big one. Skateboarding. I wish I was a whole lot better at skateboarding. Now, in my 30s, it definitely feels too late to really seriously get into skateboarding. But if I was 23 again, you better believe that I'd be hitting the skating park. You know, I'm seeing a lot of these, a lot of these questions are going towards hobbies,

wanting hobbies, having hobbies, what's a good hobby to take up. And it made me, you know, you see something in your life and it jumps out at you over and over, it's calling to you. I tell you what's calling to me at the moment is a playing card. You know, these collectible playing game cards. I'm thinking of Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, Magic the Gathering. I'm seeing a real resurgence of these cards and people love these cards and buying them and playing them. It gives them real meaning in their lives.

I had a chat with Margot this week and we had a thought about some merchandise because she was painting some plates to sell at the shows that i'm doing the james donald force mccann catamaran plan trading card game playing cards you could buy a deck people love it people love spending on their money they love spending the money they They love playing the games. They love the artwork. Well, what if I had my own card game? I'm thinking about it. I'm going to keep working. I'm going to come up with ideas for it, but I want you to know that might be another plan. I mean, it seems like the profit margin on these things is out of this world playing card game. what do you think of that it's just an idea at the moment we're going to keep working on it we're going to study game

theory we're going to talk to some of these big nerds who play these games playing cards james mccann card game doesn't i could even just be in it just a little bit could be called the catamaran hoe. Could be called water sports. I probably wouldn't call it that. Next question. How long post-breakup is it okay to start playing the field? I'm still sad, but my co-worker's hot. Don't crack on to your co-worker. I mean, obviously people of different genders

shouldn't be in the same workplace to begin with. Stay away. Are you joking? In this climate, in this sexual climate, you would consider cavorting with a co-worker? Don't do it. I know people do it all the time, and they have a great time doing it,

and it seems like loads of fun. But my earnest counsel to you would be do not have sex where you work. Sort of a don't poop where you eat type situation but different functions. I wonder if they all don't have sex where you poop. There's a good one. Don't eat where you work.

I mean, that one's not true. If you work in a kitchen, you should definitely be eating there. Save a little money. Have a nice snack. What to eat when hemorrhoids become painful? I would think some kind of soup. This person asks some advice on the open mic scene, particularly in Queensland. I find that Queensland has a spectacular open mic scene.

Get on down to good chat and try and be nice and very impressive. Go to the Sit Down Comedy Club. Go to the Gold Coast. If you're up north, go to Laughing Heart Comedy. Just try and be a nice person. Hang out. Don't have sex with anybody. Seems to be a problem.

A lot of people making open mic scenes. And at offices, no sex. Maybe that's the card game, anyway, this next person, man, how can I be a good father, I'm going to answer that, I'm sorry for doubling up on some of these, just get super scared, that's what I did, you're never going to be ready for it, and allow that to really deform who you are as a person, and bend you into a gargoyle that is a good father oh sean gardini's asked the questions whatever you're feeling man thank you sean for giving me that blank check and i just want to take this opportunity to say how much i miss you sean and i'll be back

in america soon and i look forward to seeing you oh to seeing all the boys and wrapping you up in big warm phil Philadelphia cuddles. What is the best way to stop committing the same sins over and over again? Ask someone else. I don't, Matt. Mate, I don't know. I don't know. Talk to a priest.

I'll ask that. I'll tell you what. I'll ask my priest that week, this one as well. Okay. How do you deal with people with seasonal depression? Why is winter surprising to them? I don't know, man, but I got i got it i get it every time i'm not having it at the moment obviously some people are having it in adelaide at present but uh i'm i'm just relishing it but definitely the climate the weather the things we're doing these have real huge impacts on the mood. I think going on and on about your seasonal depression

is not the best banter. I mean, here's my question. For anyone depressed in the winter, from the winter, have you tried doing all the wonderful winter things? Have you gone to a bar with a wood fire and had some Guinness, some mulled wine, some whiskey? Have you tried doing that? Are you a person who follows football?

I mean, football basically exists to remedy seasonal depression, right? Football is a festival of the winter to just carry you back through to the warm months again. Really get into football. I mean, here's how you deal with people with the seasonal depression. You just keep encouraging them to care more about football. All right, someone here writes, my housemate cheated on her boyfriend while I was home. I'm friends with the boyfriend. Ooh, ooh, ooh, spicy, ooh. Well, the correct answer there is either do something about it or mind your own business.

And I don't have a good answer either way, I'm afraid. I know that's not helpful, but the right answer is definitely do nothing or get involved. Potentially having a conversation with a housemate, depending on if that's possible. I would start by having a conversation with a housemate. It's not easy having conversations of that nature with a housemate. Hey, would you mind not leaving your dishes out? Hey, would you mind not cuckolding my dear friend while I'm at home? I'd say get out of that house.

Because even if you do nothing about that, that's going to have an impact on your living situation. So number one, get out of that house. Number two, if you feel the need to do something about it, you're opening up a can of worms. I mean, obviously they've opened up the can of worms by doing the adultery. Obviously, I'm also very, I'm sad that they've put you in this position because that makes it difficult with your relationship with this friend. I have absolutely no idea. I've never been in that situation before. friend, I have absolutely no idea. I've never been in that situation before.

I've never known about a friend being infidelitized. Pray on it. Ask somebody else. How, is the next question, how do I become Adelaide comedy royalty? Well, I think the answer there is you get really, really, really good at comedy and then leave. I wish there was another way, but that is the outcome. All right, final few here that we're moving through. Oh, I'm currently visiting the tomb of Kai Din. What advice would you have given him during his reign? Well, let's hold on. I'll do a quick search and then I'll come back with the answer.

All right, having done a quick Wikipedia, my advice to Kai Din would be to distance yourself visibly from the French. That seems to be very bad for you as you go on through the regime. Also, stay off of drugs. And I couldn't... I mean, it looks like one of the big things he did was raise money for this tomb, and it's a beautiful tomb. It was very unpopular to raise money from the peasantry for the tomb.

And it's such a beautiful looking tomb. I couldn't advise him not to do that. But I would say, yes, don't be, you know, try and get those nationalist leaders inside the tent. Obviously, you've got a problem with colonial France. But, you know, just maybe let them know that you're on side and have more public overtures to the nationalists would be my current read. That might save you some trouble. Maybe try and sell the virtues of having the French there. I mean, were they aware at that time that the banh mi would go on to be one of the world's best sandwiches?

I don't know, but I think if maybe if people in Vietnam, if the Vietnamese did know that that was taking place, that they were at that very moment inventing a just sublime kind of sandwich, maybe they would have taken it a bit easier. Wow, people have continued asking questions in the time that it took me to look that one up. Look at all these beautiful questions. What is the proper context to use crumb instead of crow, asks one gentleman. When you're around young people, I find older people find crumb to be a little offensive and confusing. Because it is sort of an anti-boomer term.

But certainly when you're with the hip young youth, throw a crumb out there and they'll be relatively pleased with you. What qualities should I look for when dating to find a wife? I would say being in love. Try not to overthink it. I find that more women do this often. Like a checklist of, you know, I want a tall guy with blue eyes, works in finance, all these things. Just for a man, love is enough. See if you love them.

See if you can't live without them. See if you need them. You've got to't live without them. See if you need them. You've got to squeeze them anyway. Man, we've got so many of these questions. Any tips for homesickness moved from the US last year? Well, I don't know what you could do to alleviate homesickness for the United States. I find that as an Australian, there's a bakery slash cafe in austin where they sell sausage rolls and that really did fulfill a lot of it for me was having a saucy roll now this person asks and this is a

very serious question for me personally i think how to convince comedians to visit canberra in their australia tours a devil emoji i tell you nothing would bring me more joy than coming to Canberra on a comedy tour. But the difference of how many people listen to this podcast in Canberra versus other major metropolitan areas in Australia is about 50 to 1. Genuinely, if you would like me to come to Canberra and do a comedy show next time I'm in town, find hundreds of people to listen to the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. Obviously, yes, there are things I could do to appeal more to people in Canberra. I could do more episodes about, I don't know, backstabbing in federal politics.

But that just doesn't really, seems like that would not make anyone else in the world happy. Hey, if you get the fans, I will come to Canberra. Even though Canberra, I could not put it as one of my top eight cities in Australia. Which is really saying something, because I think there are only six cities in Australia. My mate, someone asks, my mate has a bad drinking problem, and I don't know how to help him. I'm losing sleep over it. I hear you, brother.

I would say, does your friend know they have a drinking problem? That's really a big one. Do they know that they have a problem? If they know that they have a problem, and they don't want to have a problem anymore, and they're in the grips of it, then you can help them. more and they're in the grips of it then you can help them if they don't know that they have a problem i guess good i mean there's nothing you can do until they know that they have a problem that's really that's really step one and then after that you can be you can't just strap someone to a table and say this is your life now i'm sorry and i i've never felt the need to do that to

someone with a drinking problem. But there are certainly people who love heroin and meth in my life, who I've wanted to be able to do that to. But again, it comes from within. Maybe just help them feel loved. I'm sorry. I wish there was a better answer than that, but none that I immediately spring to mind. And now are we done? Are we done? How to earn a living as an entertainer in Australia? Go to a different country and then come back? We've got a big cultural cringe here in Australia. We really only respect Australians who make it overseas.

And there's no way around that. I mean, almost no one really makes it in Australia from Australia. In any, in any profession. I'm not saying it never happens, but it doesn't happen very often. Barry Humphreys, the best comedian we ever had. He had to go to London and it was only when the people of London loved him that he was able to come back here and have our dignity and respect and homage and even then we took an award away from him.

Akadaka, Savage Garden, Silver Chair. You've got to make it over there before you come on back here so many questions people are asking a lady i'm seeing and the door goes back to england in a couple of weeks how should i deal with the sense of loss i mean you think it's bad for you this lady has to move to england i'm the only The only answer for the sense of loss that I can really, other than pray on it, which is the answer for all of these, but I don't want to be, I want to give some actual pragmatic things to do after or during the praying.

If you're doing a little Jesus prayer unceasingly in the mind through the breath, I would say drink very, very heavily. And then when your friend comes to you and says, you've got a problem, I want to help you with your drinking. You say, yes, I have a problem. And then you have a whole different problem to deal with. I don't know how to deal with the sense of loss from having her go. If you love her so much that you won't be able to get by otherwise, then I'm sorry to say either she has to stay or you have to move. Someone else here

has asked about dealing with a long distance relationship. There's no doing it. Have an end point. We are not meant to be in relationship in distance. I mean I've maintained a series of long distant relationships with friends, with beautiful friends in Australia while I've been away and none of that has been easy. None of that has been as meaningful for the friendship as just seeing a person for an hour no infinity of telephone calls from across the sea does as much as smelling a person you know being in a room with them that's togetherness and it's hard because this is a you know this is a pilgrim church we're all separate we're all doing our difficult things no one wants to go away we're not meant this is a terrible

deracinated landscape of planes and movement and if it was as it should be we would all be in a city town there'd be about 500 of us you'd'd know everybody, they'd know your family, you'd know theirs, and it'd be beautiful, and when a stranger came to town, you would regard them with fear and disgust, but since we don't live in that world, and being away is very hard, you do have to decide who you're going to be away from, if you've traveled at all, or if you've met people who have traveled, life is all about, a lot of life is about being away from people you love. And so you need a broader sense of meaning to make sense of why you can't be with everyone you love at one time. And for me at the moment, that's saving up enough money to buy a boat so that I can really be away

from everybody. But do you understand what I'm saying? Do you know what I mean? It's a purpose. You're always going to be away from people you love and you've got to have a big enough purpose not to get rid of that pain, but just to give enough strength to your life that you can deal with that pain, baby. What sort of lamp should I buy for my bedroom? Something with a nice warm bulb. I would not recommend getting a banker's lamp as cool as that looks for the lamp stand because it doesn't really work lying in bed very well just a night a bright enough that you can read so probably not the you know you can either get the dimmest one and not have much in the way of a shade you can get if you've got a big shade and you're committed to that lamp don't get

such a a weak bulb these are some problems that i've been having at the moment i would definitely say the best way to go and get a lamp is go to an op shop or a thrift store so many tremendous lamps that i have sadly i got all the lamps that i needed for my house but i saw so many great lamps and i'd say definitely get something of a lamp less you you know, you want to get as far away as you can from that hotel-style minimalist, you know what I'm saying, that sort of metal, nothing-type lamp. You want one of those big, beautiful arts and crafts-style lamps. That's the sort of lamp that you don't mind waking up next to. Hey, here we go. I can feel it. This

part took a little while to get going on this podcast, but we're really moving and shaking now. Bring my own margarita butt funnel to the Mexican restaurant or use theirs. I mean, if you have to do that, I'd say bring your own. But why would you want to do that with a margarita? They're so tasty going down the appropriate way. And I don't want to know about the ring of salt. Hello.

Love you, man. Keep up the good work. Well, that's a nice one. That's not an advice, but I don't want to know about the ring of salt, hello, love you man, keep up the good work, well, that's a nice one, that's not an advice, but I thank you, I really appreciate that, I would like your advice on how to work your way out of a depressive episode, I don't know, no, I do know, because I've done it. Just don't do anything drastic. Hang out with people all the time. Work out. Eat right. Sleep right. Have someone, you know, welcome someone into your life to push you around a little bit. It's very hard to set the right rules for yourself to be happy. It's easy to have, it's hard to have tyranny of the will. It's easy to have tyranny of a friend. So I would say let somebody in and have them help you just get moving. I like to have my manias drag me out of the depressions. And if there's a term for that, I don't need to know about it. But often I'll be in like a dark

spell for some time. And then all of a sudden I'll find that my sleep is so messed up that I'll wake up and it'll be like 4.30 in the morning, and you could at that point lie down, or you could go, hey, it's 4.30 in the morning, I'm getting up, and I'm leaving the house now, I'm leaving the house now, and you go to the ocean, maybe you cycle, or you walk, you get your ass to the ocean, and you swim, and it's 5.30, 6 a.m., dawn is breaking, and it's freezing cold, but you're there in the ocean, or a lake, or something, and the waves are crashing down, and you're unfit, because you haven't done any exercise in a long time, because you've been depressed, but as you come out of the ocean, you go, oh, we've done something today, doing something

at the start of the day, that's a hell of a way to drag yourself out of a depressive episode, because then for the rest of the day, no matter what happens, no matter how down you feel, you can say, well, you know what, I was in the ocean this morning, and I find that was very helpful for me, or going for a big walk, not everyone lives by the ocean, I remember one of the, I left, I graduated high school, It was before university started. I was down in the dumps, very depressed, and I went for a big walk. I went for a big walk one morning, and I found myself walking past my old school. It was very early at this point.

It was like 6 a.m., and there was no one out on the streets, and I needed to relieve my bladder, and so I took a big urination on a fence, just a thatched fence. I thought I could get away from it, and around the corner came my old principal, Malcolm Lamb, and I'll never forget how he looked at me, and I'll never forget how that, but gee, I was embarrassed enough to keep on going and do something with the day from there on out. Maybe he thought I was trying to make a point of some kind by pissing on the school.

I just had to piss. I was having actually a very beautiful moment of having been thankful for my school. Excuse me, we've gone up too much. We've gone up too much. We're going to bring it right back down. Let's continue answering some of these questions. I hope that answers it. Let's continue answering some of these questions.

I hope that answers it. How do I get my girlfriend to find an effing hobby? Impregnate her. How can I improve my marital intimacy, especially during a cross-country move? Be tender to one another. How can I go to your Melbourne show alone and not look like a loser? My wife is busy and I have no friends. Oh, I assure you, you won't be out of place.

There'll be a whole lot of atomized individuals come to the James Donald Forbes comedy show in Melbourne. Maybe you could dress up and people will go, wow, that guy's a super fan. I don't think you'll feel out of place being alone. I think you'll find a lot of people who have come alone. But look, judging by the ticket report and how many people buy one ticket at a time, I think you'll find it's not that outrageous to come alone. Next person asks, Have three to five people in my head every second, every day of eight years.

What to do? What does that mean? Have three to five people in my head every second of every day for eight years. Does that mean you have children? Does that mean? Have three to five people in my head every second of every day for eight years. Does that mean you have children? Does that mean you have schizophrenia? I mean, is it uncomfortable having them in the head? Or is it company?

You know, if you're alone, sometimes you feel awkward going to a show. But if you've got all those people in your head, maybe it's not so bad. I see a doctor if it's schizophrenia. And if it's just having children, get some help for crying out loud. Next person asked. And it's hard to get help. I understand. But we all need help.

It's so important to have help. It's so nice being in Adelaide where there are so many young families and people that I know and love. And everyone's helping out. It's so nice to be in a community. Get community. Get it. It's easier to say than it is to do, I know. I don't know whether I'm ADHD or just stupid. I'm incredibly forgetful. What works? Oh, I don't know. I've been accused myself of both of those things and I'm still in, I mean, I forgot that

I was meant to go to a dinner at a friend's house last night, and I felt very embarrassed, and they were very kind to me, but I don't get any better. Keeping a calendar? Checking it twice? I'm sure there are drugs you can get on, but I refuse to believe that. I've spoken a lot about that in the past, and I'm not going to get into it now. I do feel a little bit better having done some exercise recently, and maybe I'll even, oh, maybe when this podcast resolves, maybe I'll even find a little exercise for myself to do. Should I be an academic philosopher or a consultant for Ernst & Young? I don't know what it, what's Ernst & Young? Okay, according to Google, Ernst & Young teams ask better questions to find new answers for the complex issues facing our world today. Well, that frankly sounds a lot like being a philosopher in academia. So either

way, you'll be asking better questions to find new answers for complex issues facing, it looks like it's consulting, law, assurance, tax, transactions. It's hard to say. I mean, money's nice. And how much academic philosophy is good and helpful? If you're a great academic philosopher and you think you won't be held back by the terrible framework of academic philosophy all around you from doing excellent work, then I say follow that dream, baby. But if you think it will be as soul-destroying to do academic philosophy as it is Ernst & Young work, boy, oh boy, wowee, go get that bag, baby. But I also don't really know what Ernst & Young do, and maybe that would be terrible. I'm sorry, I don't know. I'm not very good at giving advice. I feel absolutely exhausted.

Adapting after a cult upbringing. Tell everyone about it. I'm sure it's a really cool thing to talk about at parties. Next person, how to become motivated to be alive and successful again. Here's what I'd say. Take yourself to a nice restaurant. If you've got the money or you've got a friend with some money, take yourself to a real fancy thing, you know, real fancy. This is terrible advice, but I'd say just eat a nice meal, watch a nice movie,

you know, just become... When I have my boat, one of the things I'll be doing is a charity where we take depressed people out on the boat and we show them a wonderful time with, you know, champagne and kindness, no prostitutes and cocaine, not that sort of boat, but as good as safe legal moral time as you can have on a boat. And hopefully they'll then go, wow, if I had a boat, my life would be worth living. And then we'll say, yeah, now get off of my boat. But then hopefully they have the drive from that point on to really do something with their lives. I mean, it's hard.

Pain, anxiety, despair, depression. A lot of people ask about these things. Here's a way that I think about it, and I only really manage to feel this way if it's a low-level anxiety or after I've been depressed. In the absolute pit of despair and depression, nothing really makes you feel better. I mean, it's temporary. You should know that it's temporary, but there's very little to make you feel better about it. But I would say I think about all those negative emotions as being a sort of shadow of God. I don't know if I'm explaining that very well,

but depression is, all those negative feelings can be a way of pointing you towards what your life should be and how bad it can be is sometimes, you know, you hold that up to a mirror. I'm explaining this very badly. I mean, I would say it's like you get to see the, when you have the down feelings you get to really appreciate sometimes the size of neediness and despair of which you are capable and if you can see that as like something that doesn't just weigh you down but maybe it's meant to be filled with something i would say god it's meant to be pushing you in a direction to do something, to have something, to accept something in your life. Then that's very optimistic, right?

Because for a chasm of that size to exist within you, the thing that fills it up must be huge and magnificent. And if you can then use that to envision how beautiful and incredible something must be out there to make you feel better with the massive problem inside of yourself well then that might be the grounds for a little bit of optimism because that thing does exist and you can see other people walking around and they at least have a working answer some of them day by day they're not in agony and they're no really different to you they're human beings they suffer from the same human condition so take solace by how huge and unpleasant those feelings that you're experiencing are because you are called to something great to deal with that next one how do you tell someone you're in a restroom when they violently pull on the door you You say, hey! That's it.

There's no polite, oh, I'm in here. No, really go for it. If you've got the door locked, then they should know a little better than to pull quite so violently. But also finish up in there as quickly as you can. We all need to do it. We all need to get it out.

I'm a comic, someone asks. Six years in, torn between going hard at stand-up and starting a family. please help, I mean, oh, I'll say this, I don't yet know a comedian, a male comedian, at least, I'll just speak to the male experience, because women often will have children, and then it's very, very hard for those years to get out and do comedy, but I, I don't know a man, I mean, it's, maybe it's very, very hard for those years to get out and do comedy. But I don't know a man. I mean, maybe it's harder to play the professional side of it, but I don't know a man who's had children and his stand-up has gotten worse because you become a...

I don't like saying that people become more mature. I just don't like it. It makes you sound like a whine. But, yeah, you discover new interesting places in yourself that maybe you could get to without a child but certainly it's a jump start to getting there so yeah I mean it's obviously going to be hard to continue doing comedy with a family

but you might find that the comedy you start doing is better I hope that's helpful next question nice haircut Stinky alright I appreciate it I'm gonna take that uh i'm gonna take that on face value and i'm gonna take it to heart and i'm gonna say thank you very much and i did i just bought a bar of dove's soap to try and clean up the pits so we'll see how we go next one how to get woman to enjoy me. You tell me, stinky.

It's the same person who said nice haircut. Maybe don't be so damn mean. And women will like you more. Next one. How to talk to ladies. I mean, from a romantic capacity, seem really interesting and successful and cool. And then, well, I mean, there's the dark arts of talking to ladies,

which is shut up. I always found that, not with my wife and not with any woman I had a meaningful relationship with, but I'll find a lot of the time people, not just ladies, men and women, but when they're talking to you, they really want is to uh project onto you a person that they'd like to be speaking to and this is why this is a dark art because you're not really that person and you don't have to lie and there's a lot of people who do a whole lot of projecting so if you just sort of shut up uh sometimes you smile and not have them talk they will like that a lot and you know maybe then

you'll end up in a relationship with someone and then seven or eight years down the line they'll go wow who you're not who i thought you were at all and then you go ah that's why this was a dark art oh no they don't love me for me they love me for who they thought I was at the time. So many questions. And some of them I won't answer. How do I get more women to sleep with me, Mr. James? Obviously, I could help you. Maybe I already have with that last answer.

But stop it. Stop it. There's more to life than getting numbers on the boards. Next person asks, I'm a black Australian going to the US. What should I expect? Well, I, you know, I've not had the lived black experience of being a person who looks black. Merely a person who has maybe a soulful vibe. But I don't have to live with what it's like to appear to be black.

But I would say expect that you're going to encounter some people now who have actually met black people before. We don't have, I mean, we have some Aboriginal people in Australia, but in terms of like African-American and black people, there's not that many in Australia to the, you know, sometimes you'll be at the shops and there'll be like, there'll be a black guy from America going, man, or, you know, whatever. And you go, hey, oh, it's a black guy. But I don't feel that way at all in America, just because there are so many

black people. So I guess, enjoy. That might be fun. Oh, there are so many good questions pouring in. How to argue respect, respectively. They've written respectively. I'm going to assume they mean respectfully. How to argue respectfully with your partner. I find that going for a walk together helps because then you don't really have to make eye contact or police each other's facial expressions. And then after about half an hour of the worst arguing, the endorphins really start to flow. And then you're both in a much better mood. Go for a walk if you can. It's difficult when you've got three kids. Maybe have someone come over and look at the kids and go,

excuse me, we have to go and have an argument now. But argue walking quiet, respectful. Also, you're out in public while you're having the argument then. And so there's not going to be too much shouting or name-calling because other people can hear. And then you'll look like a crazy person. Not that that seems to stop a lot of people walking around my neighborhood in austin from doing such a thing as that all right we're going to quickly quickly finish this because my father-in-law is just

right all the way from melbourne i can't wait to see him i love him um and my baby's screaming and we're almost at 60 minutes which is a lot more than i thought i was going to get through i hope some of this has been helpful can i have your advice on how to make conversation with my Uber driver, ask him where he's from, and then ask him again like you didn't hear? Next one. How do I find myself a jacket like that? Ah, that's a reference to the jacket that I'm wearing in the picture where I asked the question.

It's a beautiful faux fur jacket, and you've got to go to lots and lots and lots of op shops. Weight loss, someone asks. You seem to master it excuse me i'll take the nicotine gum out because that is what i have been using for the weight loss is just a whole lot of nicotine and i'm headed straight for a heart attack someone asks soft penis syndrome i would say surround yourself with hotter people what is your favourite non-fiction story of oceanic navigation exploration? Ooh.

I really... Ooh. It's a great question. Abel Tasman was the first one that gripped me because he was a big failure and he spent a lot of time looking for things

that weren't there. Well, come back to New York City. That's the last one and that's a good one to leave it on because I will be coming back to New York City. I'll be coming back to New York City. That's the last one. And that's a good one to leave it on. Because I will be coming back to New York City. I'll be coming back to New York City soon. Venue has just approved me doing a gig there. So I think Chicago.

In the next two months, I hope to come to Chicago, New York City, San Antonio, Houston, Dallas, Philadelphia. And other places too. Hey, if you enjoyed this, go and check out the visual element over on the YouTube. Go and check out the Patreon and enjoy the new book of poems coming soon. I can't believe we made it to an hour. How often do we make it to an hour on this podcast? Not very often indeed. Thank you so much for listening to the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan.

I pledge that I, insert name here, will tell someone about the podcast. Catamaran ho. And affirmation, we're going to keep on keeping on. Tickets on sale now. Anyway, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's the end of the podcast. I love you. I miss you.

I want you. I need you. Sorry I didn't get to answer all of these questions. But gee, we answered a lot of them, didn't we? Aren't we proud? Sorry I didn't get to answer all of these questions. But gee, we answered a lot of them, didn't we? Aren't we proud?

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