The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Ads Disabled

Episode Date: August 13, 2023

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Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.com. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! You know, usually people, they start a podcast and then they start skipping forward. They hit that skip forward button because the ads start playing, you know,

on whatever sort of tedious ad it is for some sort of pubic shaving device or some sort of erection tablet. That was one of the first ads I had was for an erection tablet. Maybe there's a feature film out about the importance of having an abortion. I think they might have been advertising for a while. Maybe someone just wants you to kill a postman, do your taxes through them, or get some life insurance. It depends on who you are, I guess, what the ads are for. They've cottoned on that I don't have a lot of money and I've got a family, so I get quite a lot of life insurance ads. But hey, how about a little death insurance? I'm not worried about what happens if I stay alive. I'll be able to look after them.

It's if I die that we have a problem. Anyway, there's all these ads. And so we're just going to wait until the one minute mark that's coming up soon. Hello and welcome to the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. Now we won't be leaving anybody behind when I say there's no ads on this episode. And there's no ads on any previous episode. I've turned all the advertising money off. And that's a contrary thing to have to have to have done.

To have to have. I had to. Had to have done. I've had a couple of drinks. I had no choice but to stop advertising on the podcast. No choice. It wasn't generating any money, and I'm not going to bore you with advertising if it doesn't bring in any scratch for my catamaran plan.

Excuse me, just locking the Volvo, some miscreants walking past. There are ways that the podcast is generating money. The Patreon. We've got like 60 people on the Patreon paying a certain amount of money every month towards me living out plans that result in me buying a boat. But the podcast itself, despite now cracking, and this is cause for celebration, 50,000 downloads. 50,000 times. Episodes of this podcast have been downloaded. And in each case, at least two ads since very early. They don't advertise on the first ones because I think they want to check that you're not doing some sort of terrible, disgusting, sexually depraved podcast.

Although, who knows, in today's day and age, that might actually help you get advertisers, you know. 50,000 downloads. Two ads. That's 100,000 ads. Now, according to the company that's hosting the podcast, advertisers pay between $5 and $50 for every 1,000 listeners. So at the very least, thousand listeners. So at the very least, we should be looking at $500. It's not enough to buy a boat, but at very least, I think we should be looking at something like $500 to have come in by now to the people hosting the podcast. I can't see that they wouldn't have made that much. Actually, I know with some more specificity, because I've bought advertising on this podcast network before at a lowered rate, and I'll have you know it's closer to $20. So it actually should be something like, I believe, realistically, $2,000,

having come in off of 100,000 ads playing. And obviously you don't get all of that. There are hosting fees. By comparison, YouTube, which runs quite a sharp-elbowed operation, they take 45%. So let's say they just take 50% at this company, right? Let's say they take more than YouTube. at this company, right? Let's say they take more than YouTube. There should still be a thousand smackaroos coming in for James Donald Forbes McCann's boat. And it hasn't. And I've been

embroiled in a long email exchange this last week with the hosting company saying, this last week with the hosting company saying, listen, where's my money? Where's the money? Hey! And that sort of thing. So someone else was an intermediary between me and the company. I'm sorry if this is boring. You would never usually have to know any of this for a podcast. Not a single morsel of this information would be necessary for you.

But since you're listening to get me that boat, I think you should know the struggle, my struggle, that we're going through at the moment to squeeze some juice out of this nasty, nasty little lemon. So there should be, on my calculations, really, at least a grand. Someone else was acting as an intermediary for the money for a time. So I contact the company that's above the intermediary and they say, oh, that shouldn't be happening, we'll take you off their books.

And I say, great, that was months ago. Still get no money. So I contacted them this week and I say, hey, is there money coming through? And they say, oh, we didn't do that. So I, and then I say, right, well, you should have done it. Can I have the money that I would have made? And they say, yeah, you, we have a minimum amount of $100 that your account has to earn. And I can just let you know now before you take this any further, your podcast has not made $100. That doesn't make a lick of sense. It doesn't make a lick of sense. And I'm going to say right now, if you can't raise for a person with a podcast $100 after 100,000 ad plays, hundred dollars after a hundred thousand ad plays either you're lying or you're committing fraud or you're just really bad at what you do so we've turned off advertising for comparison we also have

a youtube channel that we run through the james donald forbes mccann catamaran plan this month we've had 30 000 views on the youtube channel and for, which is notoriously bad at paying people. They give you a lower percentage, reportedly, and they charge a lower amount. And they're giving us way more. And I know it's small potatoes. In this inflatory economy, $100, $300, $1,000, $2,000. Doesn't keep a roof over your head for a couple of days. But my goodness.

You mess with my money, that's one thing. But you mess with the money of the people who are sitting through disgusting advertisements for pubic hair shaving devices. And therapists who wouldn't help them anyway over the internet, and you take that, it's stealing. I won't have it. I won't subject my listeners to it. The advertising is turned off. We will look for new people to host the pod. Oh, we're not giving up on the podcast.

If there's any hope that I have for the future, it's the podcast and the boat and the sweet, noble listeners who have sacrificed hours of their lives listening to those ads or sacrificed seconds of their lives with the slight annoyance of skipping through them at the start of the podcast.

So a big middle finger to the company that is stealing our time and our money. But you know, fair heart never won faint lady. I think we've got that the wrong way around. Faint heart never won fair lady. We push forward. We've got other ways to raise that money. I'm going to need a hard reset. I'm too worked up.

Here is a song I recorded with my children this week. It's not very long. It's called Blah Blah. The leaf is spiky. The leaf is spiky. Blah Blah. Bubbler The Zephyr Spiker The Zeef is fighting! Bubbly! Bubbly! Bubbly! Bubbly! I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me.

I become very upset when I think about people being subjected to advertising. It's really one of the things I hate more than anything in the world is advertising. Just some people go their whole day and they don't see the advertising. They don't notice it. They don't obsess about it. It is one of the major factors that impacts my life negatively. And people might say, oh, if you're getting upset about having to see ads all around you, you must have a pretty easy life. I'll tell you right now, close friends die in a cancer, family members getting divorced, having no money, having child after child after child, and advertising continues to be the big thing that does upset me.

I reckon there could be a nuclear bomb go off down the road, not in the city I'm in, right? I live, but it could go off down the road, and I'd look at the impact of the bomb crater, and I'd say, gee, thank goodness it got some of those billboards. Maybe the lack of advertising on the podcast is a good thing from a spiritual point of view and a reminder that that's not the direction we should be going in to get the boat. Every other plan that I embark upon on the podcast, I like it to be something I can hope for, dream for, pray for. We're doing an art auction. The artists need money. I'm doing a book of poems. Artists need to

read my poems. Man, these are some good poems. On the Patreon, I like to think I can give some sort of value. It's not a value I always remember to give. And sometimes the value takes a little longer to arrive than I wish it would. But it's direct. You give me money and I'm trying to give you something back. Not this buying influence on advertising. I really, it makes the black bile bubble in my tum tum. It's very upsetting. A stand-up comedy show.

Here's money to reserve a space in the room so I can watch you talk. I don't mind that at all. Advertising. Yuck. No, I think it's for the best. We're going to drop advertising from the podcast for now. I am...

Look, I'm not... I'm not intellectually sold on never having advertising ever again or on banning all advertising. I read Ogilvy's on advertising at too young an age to believe that. It got into me. David Ogilvy, you can. People have a right to let people know

about the goods and services they offer. I am quite happy moving forward for that not to happen on this podcast. Unless it's something I can really believe in. If it's something I really believe in, like Agony Magazine or Buy Fabiano Wine or a good hairdresser. Gee, I got a bad haircut this week. I got a good remedial haircut. That's the sort of thing I would be talking about if it wasn't for this damn brouhaha i am still earning money through the podcast in different ways to buy this boat we are it seems odd to have a podcast with no advertising money being generated

on it and still be using that to try and get five hundred thousand dollars to buy a boat but you know it's not about the advertising. It's not about ripping you off so you can hear someone talk about Colgate or women's football or whatever else they're advertising nowadays. It's about building a community, a community of people who want me to have a boat. So I'll just say, I'll rattle off three ways that we're currently looking at having enough money by the end of the year for me to have a boat. And that's not mentioning the Book of Poems, which who knows? Maybe it'll make more money than any Book of Poems ever had.

I don't know any poets who own a boat. I don't know of any poets who have ever owned a boat. But the Book of Poems is coming out soon. So number one is we are working on a feature film and we want to film that in november sam clark and i if i'm told if you i'm told if you raise 250 000 and then you secure a theatrical release in australia even a short one the government pays you 40 back so between now and november i'm trying to figure out how to raise a quarter of a million dollars and if we have to shoot the film on less than that that's fine

but that is our current target 250 $250,000. And then from that, hopefully the film will be successful enough that I make $500,000 in buyback. I'm not going to be talking about that very much because I don't want to bore you. It's a lot of small technical work with lenses at the moment and mainly because I want to save that juicy, juicy film chat for the Patreon. So if you sign up to the Patreon, that's the second way of raising money for the boat. If you sign up to the Patreon, you can hear Sam Clark and I ongoing every week. We're going to be talking about making

the feature film Brad's Glove. I'm sure I will be talking about the feature film more often on the podcast in the future but in general I want to just keep it to the Patreon and not worry you with that sort of thing. In case also it falls through and I am as insane as it sounds like I am in my Volvo talking about it right now. Oh boy. I think it will

happen. I'm tired thinking about it because I really believe that our feature film, 90 minutes long minimum, Brad's Glove, will come off and be a huge triumph and success. And I'm going to the Cannes Film Festival and the Sundance Film Festival. I don't know if there's a third film festival. I'm not really interested in movies as an art form. But I am interested in making one.

No, I'm just joking. I love movies. I mean, who doesn't like a movie? You know what I like even more? A still. That's a very low-budget feature film, is a still. Maybe with an audio commentary, but it's one frame for the 90 minutes. Huh?

What do you think about that? Oh, God. So, the feature film might make money. Second way we're making money, the Patreon. Third way, I forget what it was. I said I wasn't going to say it was the book of poems, so I must have had something else in mind. Screw it.

Let's say it's the book of poems. The book of poems. My monkey and I have something to hide coming out soon. Why do I even want a boat? Sometimes it just, it feels impossible. I'll tell you, so I work for this bird charity. That's my main source of income. I love working for the bird charity.

They're wonderful people. And I'm a copywriter for them. And I used to supplement my income with all this other copywriting. And AI has just gobbled up all those jobs. So really all I've got now is stand-up comedy and the podcast. And you say it like that and it sounds like three jobs. I've got stand-up comedy. I've got the podcast. I've got the bird work.

But this is a difficult financial time i i just want to shout out everybody who's having a difficult financial time out there i'm having a such a difficult financial time i had to i will talk about it i had to buy two haircuts this week i went like six months without buying any haircuts and And then I had to buy two. A man took me in off the street. He said, brother, I think he was Lebanese. And he cut my hair like, he gave me the wrong haircut for a curly head kilt. Can I say that?

I think he gave me the haircut that you can give a straight-haired Lebanese man. I asked for a mullet, and he just shaved the sides of my head and cut the top really badly and left the back and didn't thin anything out and didn't do any of the stuff that they usually do at barbers I go to, and I took a gamble. Man, I mean, sometimes I'll go to a Chinese barber and they also do a bad job. They give me, they act like I've got conformist Chinese hair. But man, barbers are very racially segregated. We all got different hair. And that's even without black people barbers. And that's the most racially segregated barber shop in the world. And even then, we don't have those as much in Australia, on account of we didn't have that kind of slavery, if any. Big question. History. Difficult. Not this podcast. Not something we're going to talk about. So I had to go to a second barber and pay more

money to fix my hair. And I couldn't have a mullet. I wanted a mullet. I'm going to do press photos. And I usually, when I choose to have a haircut, I have a mullet. And this one was so bad, I had to pay another man to fix it. Now, the man who fixed it was great. He had the tattoos and demeanor of an ex-con. And at one point, he snipped a small... He snipped my eyebrow on purpose. He put a comb over my eyebrow. And then he cut some of my eyebrow off.

And I said, get out of there. And he said, what you say? And it sounds like an unpleasant experience, but it was actually a wonderful, it was really nice. I felt bullied in a cool, exciting way. It's quite nice to be bullied if it's bullied with affection and care by a barber, by a man with scissors who could really bully you by opening up a vein if he wanted. And I said at the end, I said, thank you so much for this haircut. You've made me look so much better. I feel so much, I don't have to wear a beanie anymore. And he kept cutting my hair and

he looked at me and then he said quietly it is as it should be and I thought you know even though you've snipped a slit in my eyebrow uh I'm gonna come here for the rest of my whenever I need a haircut and I'm here you'll be cutting it he's on Carrington Street I can't say enough I'll find out more about that barbershop. I liked that man immensely. Boy, I was at Mass today, and the number of people I don't know very well, but know enough that they feel they could. When you get a big haircut, people who know you a little bit, they latch on. That's the way. Did you get into a fight with a lawnmower? And I'm there thinking, can we just talk about football? I feel very embarrassed about my hair, can we just talk about how the Crows are unlikely to play finals?

But there's a very small mathematical hope that it'll come off. Anyway, I love you, I miss you, I want you, I need you. I just wanted to have a big whinge about that, and say that big things are coming, big things are happening. I'm doing an interview tomorrow with Sam Talent, I believe. I'm very excited about that. I read his book. I get to interview him. I think I'm going to take him to the central market beforehand and buy him a Lucia's number one. Now, again, we're not having advertising on the podcast, but I tell you right now, if Lucia's would allow me to advertise, if they would pay me to

say nice things about their sandwiches, I'd do it. They don't pay me and I say it. The Lucia's number one, that's where I'm going to take him and I'm going to say, you ever had a sandwich that good before, Sam Talent? And he'll probably say, yes, I've had many sandwiches in my time. Well, what a great kickoff for the interview that will be. Some people like to prepare more than that for their interview with celebrated comedian and author Sam Talent, but I just have the sandwich in mind. Usually I'd play a song at this point, but I'd already played it.

So the podcast will just end now.