The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - behind the curtain

Episode Date: October 29, 2023

Come behind the curtain and get onto the patreon: www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered.

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Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle.

I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com This is a podcast about a man named James Donald Forbes McCann who wants to use a podcast to buy a boat. On the last episode, we discovered that the podcast is on track to earn enough money to buy the desired boat within the eponymous host's lifetime. To buy the desired boat within the eponymous host's lifetime. Go on. To buy the desired boat within the eponymous host's lifetime. Usually, words for the podcast are spoken by said host. However, for this episode,

Mr. James Donald Forbes McCann is trying something different. Aha! Here comes the actor now. You put me on the spot too much. I'm not much of an actor James Alright we'll get someone else 1, 2, 3, go The script for this podcast

Which is to say These words Was written by Mr James Donald Forbes McCann Who has stepped away Behind the curtain The words are being read By somebody else

Why? Why? Why are you dear listener Being deprived of your Beloved. Why? Why? Why are you, dear listener, being deprived of your beloved podcast host? Why? Because Mr. James Donald Forbes McCann is dissatisfied with the podcast's acceleration. It's not your fault, dear listener. Oh, certainly, you could have recommended the podcast more frequently, or with greater vehemence. Vehemence.

But you didn't! You grew comfortable. For to you, Mr. James Donald Forbes McCann was a friend But now he has become something less than a friend And something more Now he's become a mystery Mr. James Donald Forbes McCann does not want to be heard anymore Mr. James Donald Forbes McCann says

That it is time for him to step behind the curtain Mr. James Donald Forbes McCann has become a mystery and will no longer be exposed to common view. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. Have you seen the movie Star Wars? Where Obi-Wan is cut down? If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you would possibly imagine.

It's like that, only with a podcast. Say that again. It's like that, only with a podcast. And it again. It's like that, only with a podcast. And Mr. James Arnold Forbes McCann isn't dead. He's sitting across from me, making sure I say all of the words in his script correctly. The Hemmings. Hello!

Savor that hello. Savor that hello. Savor the sound of that voice. For in limitation, it is multiplied. And in multiplication, there is strength. And in strength, there is acceleration towards boat ownership Do you understand? Do you see why Mr. James Donald Forbes McCann has had to do this thing?

He has not removed himself for any lack of affection He loves you as you love him And he retreats now behind the curtain That you might love him more and better Is it not said that absence makes the heart grow fonder? Grow then the fondness in your heart of Mr. Johnald Mr. Johnald Dames

Mr. James Donald Forbes McCann and his yearning for boat ownership. You sweet listener are the plan. You sweet listener are the plan. And your mission is clear go forth and make listeners of the podcast knock on a door make a phone call or merely live you life with such happiness that people around you say hey that guy there he listens to the james donald forbes

mccann catamaran plan i will listen to it as well so that i might have for myself a little slice of what that guy there has but the foolish man says more admonition but the foolish man says there is no james donald forbes mccann and if there was he is gone now he has abandoned his creation and this pretender this new man he is an anti-jomsden load for Zmukon. Sweet fool, how wrong you are. Mr. James Donald Forbes McCann is with us now. In these words that he wrote in the shower on his phone. In this man whom he selected to read these words. And perhaps more than anything, in the editing.

In the idiosyncratic editing and sound effects that Mr. James Donald Forbes McCann just doesn't trust anybody else to do. Do you see? And in seeing. Do you understand? And in understanding. Will you do? And what of the foolish woman? Be gone!

Be gone yourself. We, the eager listenership, will tolerate no substitute, no proxy, no artifice. There is room for but one voice upon this podcast. The voice of Mr. James Donald Forbes McCann. I have the authority from Mr. James Donald Forbes McCann himself and the script, these words, to prove it. Nay, the authority lies with me.

Lies indeed. Silence, you blabbermouth. You bag of wind, you suspect homosexual. I deny it. At your pleasure, at your wretched, frustrated pleasure indeed. Or so I suspect. Mr. James Donald Forbes McCann came to me, script in hand, in a dream, and asked me to say these words, which wrote which i am reading he told me that

we should stop telling people about the podcast that doesn't sound right he has a new podcast theology of winnowing down listeners we have to find him in the flesh and expose that flesh all of it that listeners might see too much might see right into the sphinctle portal sphinctle sphinctle portal might see right into the sphinctle portal and many will turn away that only the very pure will remain this is ludicrous and also we are going to reject all advertising we're at an impasse and there is only one way to solve our dispute. Does anyone else have a problem? That's what I thought.

And you know what else? I don't need this script anymore. I'm going rogue. I, me, the man who Jimmy has paid $40 to to record this script. Oh yeah, you're getting $40. This is my podcast now. And since it is my podcast, I'm going to do it my way. And I'll be the one who steps behind the curtain.

You there! Hello! How would you like to take over a podcast? Hello! All you have to do is just wait one moment. Do that again. Like you mean it, like it's real. I suck bro. No you're going to pretend to be me pretending to be james donald forbes mccann goodbye

if you're looking for flexible workouts peloton's got you covered summer runs or playoff season meditations whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it.

Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no, that's what my

grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com Well, well, well, well, well, well, didn't they do just an absolutely fantastic job there, the James Donald Forbes McCann players. That's what it says here on my sheet that I'm reading out as an actor, that I have to say. Wonderful stuff there.

I think that radio play thing, that might be more the future as I step away behind the curtain. I, of course, being, you know, that guy who's being me. And, well, we don't have to go on too much more with that. But I think that might be the future. We'll find out. Certainly, I think the future might be in pretending to shut the podcast down. We had a lot of downloads of last week's episode, which was titled Goodbye. Not goodbye as in we're ending the podcast, just goodbye, I'm stepping behind the curtain.

And highly clickable. So maybe I'll become like Johnny Farnham and just keep threatening to every week I could come out and go, this is the last episode. No more. You'll get a bit Boy Who Cried Wolf with that sort of thing. Hey, it's great to be with you here for yet another week on the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. A couple of things. Hold on now. A couple of things I just have to check here in the script. I bought two new silver coins this week.

Two new silver coins. That gets us up to 11 silver coins. Once I have 10,000 silver coins, that'll be enough to exchange for a boat of my liking. So we have 9,989 silver coins to go. I don't know if I'm going to take them with me on my trip to America. I'm sort of thinking about burying them. What if I, that's my current thought,

is what if I bury my treasure and I could leave a clue for myself in case I forget, you know? And then perhaps people might come from all over the world to come to Adelaide, Australia, if that is indeed the location where I bury my silver, location where I bury my silver and to get James McCann's silver. What do you think of that? Huh? I'm considering it. Also, I think if I am going to keep doing radio play style things, I will have to show the actors the script in advance. I think they both did a very fine job there, but people do like to see the script in advance. If you would like to be added to the roster of the James Donald Forbes McCann players, if you'd like to be a part of any future radio plays, let me know. Let me know and send through an audition.

It can just be you saying anything. I'm pretty loosey-goosey when it comes to auditions. I think if we are going to take it seriously, we might need to look to a higher caliber of professionalism. Now, I wish to say something very important. So that was the first item of business is 11 silver coins now in my possession because we've made that amount of money to buy those coins on the advertising for the podcast and the YouTube. But what I want to say is this.

My new book of poems, My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide, is finished. I'm waiting on the last proof to arrive back from our friends at Amazon, sponsor of the show. Begrudging sponsor of the show, begrudging sponsor of the show. So once I see that final proof, I'll click that that one will go up for sale. And then, well, then we just start to see if I can sell enough copies of my book of poems to buy a boat that way. The last book of poems, Marlon Brando 9-11, we didn't sell 100 copies. But I imagine that sales for Marlon Brando 9-11 will skyrocket after people buy My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide, my second book of poems.

And then they'll say, well, I need more of this. And then they'll go back. And then, you know, like the first Harryry potter book i think i bet your sales of that first harry potter book just kept on going up while those new harry potter books were coming out so i think every year a new book of poems and i've been working on some new poems by the way actually if you'd like to know i have been working on some new poems that uh can't make it into my monkey and i have something to hide i just tried make it the same length as the previous book of poems and anything else we'll hold on to for next year. But let's

have a look here. A new poem. Oh, here's one. What isn't colonisation? What is colonisation not? Viewed a certain way, colonisation is a lot.

Sailing to an island and setting up a colony i reckon that's colonization absolutely positively but what about refrigeration and what about playing chess and what about getting women to cover up their breasts you know it's poems like that we're doing poems like that that ask the very serious question. Oh, here's another one. I'll give you another little poem. A life is the perpetual imbalance of knowledge. If I was admitted to primary school with my current age and wisdom,

I'd do well there. I'd dominate then, and I'd win lots of medals. But I am never allowed to do that. Well, that one goes on and on as well. I'm not as happy with that one. That one doesn't rhyme. Here we go. You know what I'm against?

It's all these human wrongs. It's having an abortion. It's choking down ten dongs. It's letting lovely dogs get into a mortal scrap. It's porno and it's dancing and it's certain kinds of hat. And I don't know about you, but it's just the way I feel. It's a beautiful new jacket made of baby seal. Wait! No, that's one of the things I like.

Oh, baby tender baby seal, will we ever see a human right? That one's, yes, maybe for the best that some of these aren't going in the new book of poems My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide. But that'll be coming out shortly sam clark first mate sam clark is too busy at the moment i've been pretty busy as well getting ready with the visa and all the bloody editing that's been involved for that radio play that took me the better part of an afternoon which is more than i would ever usually spend getting ready for the podcast but yes dear, dear first mate Sam Clark is very busy. He's been hired to work on some real television shows. This is what happens when you identify genius.

This is what happens as other people can identify it too before long. And I guess I'm going to America at the right time because Sam's dance card is filling up fast. People can see what he can do. Oh, he's a gifted, gifted man. And I won't have the monopoly of his time. There are people with money and he needs the money. He needs to look after his family. So I guess we'll make a couple more things together, I hope, before I leave for the United States. And then I'll be coming back from the United States and

we'll make our movie. That's currently what I'm thinking about a lot of the time is the United States and how long we'll be there for because I don't know. And that's an uncomfortable way to live. I mean, the first reason I'm not committing to live there is that it might be very scary. I've visited. I had a nice time. But, you know, I also have to convince my wife

that she's having a nice time. It might be too much to ask that she actually have a nice time, but I will need to begin the gaslighting to convince her that she's having the time of her life. And then there's the money. I think it's probably better to live as a poor person in Australia because you get healthcare and the state will give you a place to live and the weather's nice you know it's just sunny and warm and pleasant you can go to the beach even a homeless man can go to the beach wow is that a poem even a homeless man can go to the beach in Australia even a homeless man can show a stranger his genitalia yes I think that might be a poem that we look towards writing down.

Once you get that first book of poems out, you think, I'll never write enough poems for a second book. And then you write all the poems for a second book and you go, wow, I did it. But now I've got to write a third book of poems? Holy dooly goodness gracious. Is it just this till I die? God, I hope so. Ooh, imagine just writing poems for money. Imagine just writing poems for money imagine just writing poems for money

imagine how that would feel i'm showing my genitalia to a stranger in a way that is genteel man forget this second book of poems this second book of poems garbage compared to these new poems that i it's called wiggling my willing it's called exposed no shame in've... It's called Wiggling My Willie. No, it's called Exposed. It's called No Shame in Showing. No, it's called Hello. Wow! It's called Hunker Hunker Burning Log. Anyway, I've got enough time to figure out the next book of poems. My next book is Showums.

No, no, no. It's all about... Let's Goums! Like, let's go! Sometimes I say I'm not a poet, but those people aren't poets either. You know what I'm saying? No, who is a poet? Who is a poem?

I've got a willy and I'm ready to show them. So we're working on the new book of poems, but mostly I think we're working on the promo for this next book of poems. I don't know how available Sam Clark will be, so I've got to turn my mind to other ways of letting people know about My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide. Subtitle of the book is Unpleasant Poems with Limited Appeal, because they're not very nice poems yes I don't know how we're going to get the word out hopefully just word of mouth

as opposed to word of all the other kinds word of the anus word of the sphincter I don't even remember what that was you know before my last book of poems came out I was all anxious and nervous I remember like it was like when I did stand-up comedy. And the first time you do stand-up, well, the first time I did stand-up,

maybe it's different for you. What's it like when you do comedy? It's an old Andrew Wolfe bit. God bless Andrew Wolfe. Anyway, you feel like you have to be, you feel like the whole universe hinges on that moment and your life is going to be different afterwards. And it's not. You just then have a thing that you've done

with either the stand-up or the book of poems. And so now I'm just enjoying it. It's a pleasure to go, I enjoyed sitting down, writing poems in a chair. I enjoyed whipping it out and showing everyone my pubic hair. Man, these poems can't be stopped. Are they poems? They're definitely poems.

Why do you keep saying it? I'm stressed about the move. That's not an excuse. What if the American government hears you talking about exposing yourself in your poems and they say, we're not letting that guy in, we're not making that mistake again. Man, man, let me tell you. This script that that pervert has written for me to say, this is me just going off script now,

but this script that he typed up and printed out, this is revolting, and I stand by none of it. And I, James Donald Forbes McCann, the real one, not the one who's an actor hired by another actor hired by me, reading this script, I would never say those things of my own volition or write them as poems. Now let's go back to the script. Anyway, so listen,

hope you've enjoyed this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. I don't know what I'm going to do to promote the book of poems. I was going to get Sam Clark to shoot a series of heroic vignettes, video type things. And my friend Paul, the other great cinematographer of my acquaintance, he's quite busy opening a bar. There'll be more information about that bar opening and how you can come to it. I think I have agreed to do the launch of my book of

poems. It'll be after it's available on the internet. But we'll get some printed out and I'll do some sort of Adelaide launch of the book of poems at the bar. But rather desperately, I need to figure out some way of... How do you sell a book of poems at the bar. But rather desperately, I need to figure out some way of... How do you sell a book of poems? I mean, I choose to believe that there is a market for my book of poems, you know? And that with the right advertising campaign, we could do it.

You know, you could be James Donald Forbes, McCann's My Monkey and I have something to hide. Unpleasant poems with a limited appeal. Eat fresh! Has that been taken? It's just an option. Just something I'm personally thinking about. But I guess

the best way to sell it is just to keep doing the podcast. I've reflected on from last week's episode about not doing the weekly podcast. And look, maybe I could just maybe I could just do two in a week so I free a week up. It's nice to have it coming out every week and it builds a strong relationship with you and I. I don't know what I'm

going to do. Anyway, is there anything you wanted to say before the end? And now, a new song! Spink the portal. 🎵 You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual?

You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual?

You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual?

You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual?

You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual?

You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual?

You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual?

You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? You suspect homosexual? Do you think when we do this in the future, I should give you the script beforehand, or do you like doing it on the fly? Maybe in advance. All right, we'll talk about it. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe,

Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca.

ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines.

And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jessi Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.