The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - bestseller

Episode Date: September 11, 2022

You can purchase the #1 bestseller now on Amazon: Marlon Brando 9/11: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B0B92NWWDCGet the audiobook and join the patreon, and also get heaps of other things : https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccannSorry for the minimal editing this week, I know you all love the editing as much as I love doing the editing. Might even do some new classical music in the future. Thinking Purcell.I was very tired and forgot to mention this, but I loved the Queen. What a woman. The light of our lives has gone out. I pray for her. God save the King. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessie Crookshank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend.

I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com. Hello, and welcome to this very, very, very special episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. Why is it very, very, very special?

Well, on most episodes of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan, I spend a great long amount of time working on the editing. I take all the coughing out if I have to cough. Any swear words that I accidentally say or say on purpose, I edit them out so that we have a wider audience. I don't want to limit my freedom of expression. So I try and leave in as much of the swear word as I can, but also, you know, because I want you to know what they are, but also I don't want to be penalized from advertisers who go, you know, you can't say the things that James just said, but I won't be swearing on this podcast if I can manage it because this is a very, very, very, very special episode

of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. It is an episode where I do no editing. There can be no editing for this podcast because there's just no time. We are pressing right up against the deadline of having to have an episode out. I didn't record an episode during the week because I recorded two big things this week, a bonus episode. Enjoy that.

It came out on the weekend. You're very welcome. And I also did the audio book that you can get on Patreon of my new book of poems, Marlon Brando 9-11, beautiful poems that everybody will love. Oh, and there's Dad. There's Dad in the front yard. There's Dad. Hey, Dad. Dad, do you want to come be on the podcast? Anyway, the reason this is a very special episode is because there's no editing because I don't have time. I'm just sitting in the Volvo and We're moving house. We've got maybe one more trip to the house to do. Oh, is he coming in? He's going to sit in the car.

He's going to sit in the car with me. Oh, no, hold on. Sorry. I'll just unlock that for you. I just thought you'd... Yes, welcome. Welcome to the podcast. My dad, Daryl McCann. Dad, how are you? Look, it's great to be in your studio, James. Are you putting on a little voice? I'm the one who puts on the little voice for the podcast.

So what are we doing? We're moving house? We're moving house and I'm just taking some boxes from the front and putting them into the back shed for storage. I say my favourite thing about the house we're moving into is that we've got your family first uh core flutes up in the living room and so you look down at us benignly you know letting us know that you're putting the family first well that is what family first is all about james and um i i don't like to see my face up there actually because i'm a very modest fellow okay well you wouldn't let me put my billy oakley you wouldn't let me put my painting in your room to, well, you wouldn't let me put my Billy Oakley. You wouldn't let me put my painting in your room to keep it safe.

You wouldn't let me put your own face up in the living room. Maybe you'll do the interior design. Anyway, you've been talking about the importance of us to do a podcast. And is there anything you'd like to say about the evolving situation in Ukraine? Look, you're fabulous. I just say you've been talking and writing about Ukraine all week as well as Moving House. So it's been a lot of Ukraine chat. A lot of Ukraine chat. We've got the article coming out in

the October edition of Quadrant on the Ukraine. And I've just finished an article on the latest developments in Ukraine, which you know, we'll see how we go, might be in the Spectator come Thursday evening. We'll have to find out.

Gosh, did you notice how many of those people today at the party used the expression battle of the bulge? Yes, because we know a lot of Groot thing happens with people and they can't come up with their own ideas. But it's not a bad idea, even if it's not original. That's very, that's the sort of magnanimity we've come to expect from Daryl McCann. Now, quickly before you go, your poem

your poem is here in Marlon Brando 9-11 my book of poems and I put that in the end and are you happy with the poem? In what sense? The way you've set it out? Do you think you've written a good poem there? Oh look, it's not for me to say James and of course

it doesn't measure up to the genius of my son and his work. I'm just looking at... That's very kind. James Brown is my hero. That's not my poem. Not many people know that. Some people barely say that's a poem. They say that's an essay that I wrote and I just put some random mind breaks in there.

Yeah, it's... So to be amongst... To have my little poem at the end there, this work of genius, one poem after another, is really one of the great moments in my life, James, and I appreciate that. That's very kind, very gracious. Thank you so much. I've got maybe 15 minutes of podcast to do

and then we can unload this car and go back over to the old house. All right, looking forward to it. All right, thank you, Dad. Darren McCann there coming and joining us in the studio. A very, very, very, very special episode here. It's not often that we get Dad on the show. Gosh, you know what would be extraordinarily special is if we ever managed to get my wife on the show. I've made a number of attempts.

It's her birthday today. I don't remember if I said that already. We had a wonderful time together. I love her so much. Oh, this moving house is so hard, but it'll be worth it if we all have a nice home to live in together. And of course, at some point, that home should be an aquatic home, a sea home. The only A plus home is a home on the sea. And I think of the great big boat, the enormous catamaran, a sea-atamaran on the C-E-A. Ocean. Ocean. That has a C in it. I don't know what I'm saying. I just... Someone raised to me this week...

Sorry, so that part one, part one of the podcast, I just wanted to mention, we're moving house, and I ran out of time this week to do a podcast with a lot of editing, and also dad was on the show. Okay, wonderful. Now, someone mentioned this week, who's a semi-listener of the podcast, they said they'd been speaking to someone who is a listener of the show. They said they'd been speaking to someone who is a listener of the show. And the listener of the show had said, oh, he didn't get the boat.

Like it was in the past tense. Like I'd been doing the podcast and I didn't actually get the boat. Listener, I will concede this is a longer journey to boat ownership than I had anticipated. I had thought the podcast would just blow up fairly immediately and I'd probably have a boat by week three. And we're coming up on episode like 40 something and yet still no boat. But I think we would have to concede Yet still no boat. But I think we would have to concede. On our journey towards the boat, exquisite things are happening.

I'll talk about the book of poems in a moment and the successes there. But the number of listeners to this podcast, huge, very big, very excellent. In terms of money that's coming in, I mean, the art auction was enjoyable. I'm looking at doing another art auction. Everyone said I had to do another one and we're really looking at how to do that. I just think we're moving ahead. There will be a boat and I think it's probably time to think about

setting a time limit on when I have the boat. You know, life gets in the way. You move house. Your wife has a birthday. You've got children to look after. things, life gets in the way. You move house, your wife has a birthday, you've got children to look after. There's another child on the way at Christmas time. So I think next year, early next year, I think we just take whatever money we have raised so far. I don't know how much money that will be by that point, but I'll just buy the boat that I can. Obviously, we want $500,000 for the catamaran. That's been the target since very, very early on in the show. But I think so that we at least have some sort of boat. I think even if it's a paddle boat,

if it's a row boat, it would be good to be recording this podcast from water. I'm frankly getting a little cramped forever doing it in the Volvo, and there's absolutely no room in the new house for it. So current speculative plan is whatever money we have, maybe after the art auction next year, if we do the art auction again, we buy the boat of the level that we're at. If that's a boogie board, fine. If that's a full-scale replica of the Titanic, even better. I will just be careful not to sail it through any particularly cold water. Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you, I've been saving up wanting to talk about the book of poems. I'm just sitting here ready to...

We spoke about it a little bit with the old... Sorry, my manager is texting me. Oh, that's so nice. Just letting me know that he's bought a copy of my book of poems. How's that? How's that for all things coming together? In fact, you know what we'll do? You know what we'll do?

I will call him right now and we will chat to him if we can, and that will be the interview section, and I'll tell him. Hello, you're on the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan podcast. Jake. Hello, James. How are you? I'm so well. Thank you for ordering your copy of Marlon Brando 9-11,

Beautiful Poems That Everybody Will Love. Oh, it was an absolute pleasure to order. I'm so well. Thank you for ordering your copy of Marlon Brando 9-11, beautiful poems that everybody will love. Oh, it was an absolute pleasure to order. From start to finish, the checkout process was seamless. I think those good people at Amazon have done a fine job streamlining that affair. Would you like to know how well the poems are doing? I would. What unit of measurement are you using here? I'm going to use, I won't rate it overall because poetry is, you know, maybe less popular than hardcore erotica.

No, don't be daft. No, I think we put it in its own category. Just as many men and women are masturbating to poetry as they are. Oh, now come on. Come on. Now I have to edit the podcast. I was trying to do a quick episode that didn't have to have any editing. You've absolutely bespoiled that with your potty mouth.

Let's keep it clean. All right? Keep it clean. Now, in the Australian poetry category, we are number one, baby. We have the number one best-selling book of Australian poems on Amazon. We're MVP, most valued poetry. Financially, yes. I don't know.

I mean, so few people will have received their copy yet, you know, because it does take time. I do mean to ask. I do mean to ask. I do mean to ask. Now, I get 15% of your proceeds not from the book, but I have purchased it at full price. Is there a kind of a reverse 15% that I can – can I garner a slight discount? That's a conversation we'll definitely want off air. I don't know if – I don't want to be accused of paying people to buy the book.

I want you to state the truth right now that you bought that book entirely off your own back, and any recompense would be entirely out of generosity and not pre-planned on my part. Hand on heart, I bought it purely at my own volition. That's what we like to hear. Jake, and thank you for having me as well for that live show, The Catamaran Plan, last time I was in town. You're so welcome, James. Well, this has been our interview with Jake Smith. I'll just...

Where are we up to? We're at 10 minutes in, and that's where I have to edit out you saying the word macrobate and the word fuckboy and all your other fucking disgusting fucking shit. Disgusting. And can I just quickly tell a story now? On my way back from that gig in Brisbane, I don't know if I spoke about this on the podcast or if there was too much else going on,

but I drove your car, that car broke down, that clutch was like a pudding, and you came and got me, and I abandoned your car, and you got me to the airport on time. It was a masterful performance for a manager, for a friend, and I'd like to take this opportunity to say to you on the air, thank you very much. Thank you, James.

I appreciate that. I appreciate that. It was an adventure for all, and honestly, I hold no ill will to anyone but my clutch. Yes, I think it's time to buy an automatic, personally. You won't be driving that, though, will you? I don't think I'll probably get to drive any of your cars ever again. Thank you so much, Jake Smith.

God bless. Peace be with you. And now, f*** off back where you came from, you low dog c***. God bless you. God bless you. Happy Sunday. Goodbye. Bye, bye, bye.

A wonderful man. A wonderful man. A wonderful man. Yeah, he was so nice. It was really a good time in Brisbane. Now, I don't know if you caught that, because I don't know how the sound quality is. Number one. Number one. Number one, everybody.

We are the top-selling book of Australian poems. Banjo Patterson, you're a loser. Les Murray, rest in peace, further down the chart. We're number one, baby. Number one. Ah! How many have we sold? Not important. We're number one, baby. Number one. How many have we sold? Not important.

Okay. How long were we number one for? And are we still number one? Not important. The important thing was that for at least several hours over the weekend, we rose up to number one. Over the weekend, we rose up to number one, and I can now officially claim number one bestselling author, James Donald Fools McCann. Hey? Whoa.

Whoa. How does that feel? Oh, you better believe we're going to use that. You know, we're going to use that for promotional reasons. We're going to get ourselves on the ABC. We're going to get on other people's podcasts. We're going to get on literary podcasts. We're going to try and get onto writers festivals. And we're going to drive all that traffic to people listening to this podcast. And when the book comes, the book is it. Now, if you get the book, there's a QR code on the last

page of the book, also taking you to the podcast. And then we'll have so many listeners that we'll be getting the advertising money. And I think this will start kicking in in the next few weeks. And then finally, we'll be buying that boat next year. That is the plan. That is the goal. That is the aspiration. Other aspirations. You know what?

Let's not have aspirations. Let's have affirmations. Because that's what we do on this show. And that's one better. Affirmation, we're going to buy a boat next year. Affirmation, we're going to keep pushing these books of poems. Affirmation, we're going to... I might go past a McDonald's and buy myself a cappuccino

so that I can do the very last amount of work required to move house. I've got so many things I want to talk to you about, dear listener. Usually can do the very last amount of work required to move house. I've got so many things I want to talk to you about, dear listener. Usually we do the affirmations at the end, but there's a lot to get through. There's a lot to get through. I spoke about the audiobook. Yes, I recorded the audiobook of the Book of Poems this week, including Sean Halock's glowing introduction and Anna Freer's glowering introduction, both excellent introductions. I really enjoyed reading them. And if you subscribe to the Patreon, link below, J-D-F-M-C-P, that comes after slash

and that comes after patreon.com, you can get the audio book and also the extra bonus episodes of this podcast. Anyway, so I did the audio book and that was a lot of fun. And you can get it there. And it's all been so fun that I've even started on my next book of poems. Because I think poetry, for me, maybe it really is the answer to wealth. I don't know if I'm ready to say that out loud that I think it's really happening, but I think, yes, the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan has proven to

be the perfect launching pad. Launching pad, probably a mixed metaphor. Launching pad for a boat podcast. It's a marina. It's a port of safe harbor that we might launch the poems that might go out to the new world of the Internet. Amazon. There you go. Amazon. The Amazon. And then return with the spices of extreme wealth. Is this a tortured enough metaphor?

Is it? The point is, thank you. Thank you for buying my poems. I hope you enjoy reading them. And that money can go towards us building the journey to boat ownership. And I've enjoyed writing those poems so much. I've even started writing a new book of poems. Yes. I might have another book of poems come out. Why not? So that's Marlon Brando, 9-11. It's only been out two days, and I'm already thinking about another book of poems. Those are beautiful poems that everybody will love.

So I've started work on a new book of poems, which is tentatively entitled Unpleasant Poems with Limited Appeal, as opposed to beautiful poems that everybody will love. And the first one I've written is called My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide, which is a play on I've got something to hide. No, excuse me. It's a play on everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey. A great song by John Lennon and the Beatles. So I thought I would write, My monkey and I have something to hide. And I read this poem to my wife, and she was unfamiliar

because she's of that generation that wasn't constantly being heavily advertised to about the Beatles. There was a man. We just got Beatles stuff left, right and centre through to the mid, late 2000s. You know, I Am Sam and then compilation CDs and it was just thing after thing after music magazine with the Beatles on it.

And then I think if you, a little bit later and a little more of an internet person and less on the printing press, I think it's very reasonable that you might like the Beatles songs, but you might not be familiar with every single C and D side song on the White Album. You might just stick to your Back in the USSR's and your Dear Prudences. I actually don't know where those are. Half of what I say is meaningless. I love Julia. So anyway, I've written this poem. It's called My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide. Oh, sorry. The point of me talking about the Beatles is my wife didn't know there was a song called Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except for Me

and My Monkey. And she thought that I'd just written a sort of semi-disgusting poem about me and a monkey. Because I woke up and I wrote down, I said, Honey, listen to this poem about me and the monkey. And she went, Ooh. And then later on I told her about the song and I checked it. She didn't know and she said, Oh, I just thought you maybe had a dream about, you know,

being intimate with a monkey. Anyway, my monkey and I have something to hide. I'm sorry, but I can't reveal what it is. If I told you what monkey and I have been doing, the police would take me away from my kids. And I doubt that I'd get to see monkey again. So if I am to avoid imprisonment successfully, my unquestionably actionable monkey activity must be undertaken entirely clandestinely. They say everybody's got something to hide. Monkey and I do not doubt that that's true.

But there's simply no way that the thing that you're hiding is as necessary to hide as the thing monkey and I do. I imagine one day you'll all be more enlightened and we can live openly free from your shame. But until such a time which might never come my simian proclivity dare not speak its name that was my monkey and i have something to hide one of my unpleasant poems with limited appeal as opposed to the current book of poems marlon brando 9-11 Beautiful poems that everybody will love.

There are a couple other things I wanted to mention. Driving off to Melbourne tomorrow. I've got a gig at the Rugga. I'm doing a corporate gig. And that's on Wednesday and it's black tie. So I have to... We're driving over tomorrow and then I'm going to spend Tuesday doing a podcast, someone else's podcast in Melbourne, and then on Wednesday, this

gig is on, so I have Tuesday to find a tuxedo, and to not spend too much money because I'm poor, but we'll get a tuxedo and then I thought maybe I'll just do all my comedy in a tuxedo from then on. Because the only reason I wouldn't rent a tux is I've got an excellent gig coming up in Wagga Wagga soon that's also black tie and a wedding that's black tie. And there comes a point in a man's life where he says, well, that's three events fairly evenly spaced. I would have to rent a tuxedo thrice.

Is it merely time for me to buy a tuxedo? A monkey suit, if you will? Everybody's got something to hide, except for me and my monkey, who have even more to hide. That's a line that could find its way into that poem. What else did I want to mention to you? When we're actually getting a boat, very good. Moving house, very good.

The audiobook, very good. We're number one, very good. And Marlon Brando, 9-11, number one in poetry. Which I imagine must be actually quite unpleasant for people who have genuinely given their lives to poetry. Just for me to be some Johnny-come-lately swanning in with my novelty boat car... Don't you hate it when people swan in with their novelty boat podcast and go to the top of the charts with their book of poetry?

I understand, so... Ah, if the poetry establishment rejects me from here, I'll make my peace with it. But I'm a renegade, you know? I'm an outsider. I'm giving the people what they want, no matter what these petty A-commercial elites have to say about it. I am the Isaac Butterfield of poetry. I am the...

I'm the... I'm trying to think of another example. I am the, I'm the, I'm trying to think of another example. I am the, well, you know, all those YouTube boys and Instagram boys. I'm them, but of poetry. You know, in comedy, oh, I'm a creature of the system. I'm an absolute insider. I'm just, I'm all slapping backs and not saying anything offensive. But in poetry, I'm a rocket man firing my way up the charts.

Oh, I imagine the disdain with which they must look at me and say, those aren't even real poems. There's either not any rhymes or far too many rhymes. The meter? Why, he's just read us, frankly, I think dog rule is the official term for that poem about his monkey, monkey rule. And you know what? I don't care.

I'm here to dominate with my poem. I'm making that boat money with these poems, baby. But not really. I think I've actually sold not very many copies. Like, yes, I don't know exactly how many. The reporting system isn't good, but it's not heaps. And it's number one, which really just goes to show people hate poetry. They don't like buying it.

And that's why I'm so grateful to you, dear listener, for having bought my copy of poems. I'm so grateful for you to listening to this podcast. I don't know if I already said this, but earlier today, a young, well, actually they're older than me, so I won't call them a young couple, but they had more energy than me. A sprightly, wonderful couple from Mount Barker, Nairn type region. They came and they picked up a chest of drawers from my house and I didn't think I'd manage to sell that chest of drawers. It's a lovely chest of drawers and we just don't have room in the new house. And I put it on Facebook marketplace and people kept writing to me wanting it. And I thought,

oh, thank goodness we finally managed to sell this chest of drawers. And then they're asking for my phone number and my email and my, you know, passwords and that sort of business. And my home address to my new home. And it's like, oh, no, it's a scammer. It didn't used to be scammer. I should have known it was a scammer. All their posts are about Hungarian politics. They have one low resolution photo. And they don't appear to have any friends.

I guess I was just so desperate to sell that cabinet that I looked past some of the things I didn't want to see. But anyway, this lovely, lovely couple cabinet. They've got this cabinet. And I'm so happy. And I hope the cabinet brings them real joy, and as it brought me joy, I tear up now thinking of the cabinet, and I tear up thinking of all the things that I have to bloody move out of this house, oh my goodness, there's so many things that I have to move, I'm in my car at the moment, it's basically, we're just moving,

it's the shed, yes, I don't know even how we're going moving. It's the shed. Yes, I don't know even how we're going to light the shed. But I'm tired even thinking about it. But you know what fills me with joy once again, dear listener, is you. I want to thank you. I want to thank all the people I thank in my acknowledgement section in my book. I want to thank my wife. I want to thank my dad.

I want to thank my brother. I want to thank Aggie. I want to thank Whiskey. I want to thank Aggie. I want to thank Whiskey. I want to thank my mummy. My mum. Hello. Mum, I'm looking forward to going on this drive tomorrow. It's going to be great. Mum and I are driving to Melbourne with the family.

Oh, I've got to put the child seats back in the car once I'm done moving out. That's going to suck. Affirmation. How's that for an affirmation how's that for an affirmation well I love you I miss you I need you I want you catamaran ho minimal editing I'll just get rid of those swears we'll be back next week

possibly with me wearing a tuxedo while I do the podcast and with more editing I want to thank you for listening I want to say God bless you. I hope you have a glorious day. I love you. I miss you.

I need you. I want you. Catamaran Ho, everybody. Ciao for now. Ow! Thank you. I sweeten I sweeten I sweeten Thank you. My sweet Lord My sweet Lord

My sweet Lord My Lord My Lord