The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - breakfast taxi

Episode Date: October 29, 2025

Headline comedy shows on sale now:https://www.jdfmccann.com/gigsBUFFALO, NY - NOVEMBER 1-2OKLAHOMA CITY, OK - NOVEMBER 5TULSA, OK - NOVEMBER 6HUNTSVILLE, AL - NOVEMBER 13NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 14 - 15WASHINGTON D.C. - NOVEMBER 23Join the Patreon:https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccannCheck out Black Israelite:https://youtu.be/oawMfCMLkHUBuy the books:https://www.jdfmccann.com/books Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes-McCand-Catamaran plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.com. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, you'll, look, you'll find a way. If you ever see someone near a ledge, say, don't jump. It's always funny.

It's never not funny. It's one of the few things that in all circumstances where there's a ledge. is funny. I mean, there's no, you could be, you're a cardinal, and your brother cardinal has just been elected to the papacy. And as he goes out to meet the people in the adoring crowd at St. Peter's Square, I think that's what it's called. He comes out and you go, don't jump! It's going to bring the house down. That's one of them. It's one of two things. Don't jump is always funny. Number two, when someone is, it's the breakfast time, it's the morning, it's the a.m. and someone's someone is maybe having a cigarette or a red bull or a meat pie or a hot dog.

They're eating or consuming something that is, seems unhealthful. It is always funny to say, breakfast of champions. Breakfast of champions. Always funny. There was a third one, which is when a glass dropped or broke in a bar to say, Texit! It was always funny to say taxi. Now, of course, there are two minutes.

many different ways of getting around. Uber, lift, Lyme Scooter, Waybo, Tuk, Tuck, servants back. There are just too many things to shout out, but taxi anyway, so that's off. It complicates it too much. That's the first card.

Here on the James Donald, Forbes, we can, catamaran plant. So good to be here with you today on the podcast that I'm preparing for. You hear that music in the background? That was me, about an hour and a half ago, on the keyboard downstairs. I get a little too, I explore too much later on with the possibilities of the keyboard. But anyway, nothing is business, everything is personal. I'm not very successful in business.

I'd like to buy the world of Pepsi and slightly disappoint the world. I've had an idea for a charity, okay? This, by the way, is the most flattering angle that I could think up for the podcast. I don't know if it's actually working. Idea for a charity. Restoring McDonald's restaurants to look friendly again. You know what I mean? Charming.

Old style. Clown. Grimmis. Interesting stuff. Idea for a donor to this charity. McDonald's. Even when trapped under Robert's. dying, I think I would still get the horn. Will I ever be released from the horn?

Will I miss the horn if it does go? I think I must have been very aroused and frustrated while writing that one. The Sharpie I wrote upon these cards with had a very strong smell, but not strong enough to improve my mood or noticeably change the quality of my ideas. we'll find out if that one's true that's what I thought at the time I thought this week that I might have to stop writing poems did I say welcome to the James Donald Forbes McCann-Cadamaran plan anyway it's good to have you here

I thought I might have to stop writing poems because I keep writing the same poems over and over again by accident I think like well I'll write a poem about what if I was a Japanese man oh I've written that one well what if I write a poem about denying the Rwandan genocide no I've written that one but what about a poem about suicide No, I've written that one.

I, uh, maybe one day I'll have more poetry inside of me, but for the time being, I think I'm, um, I'm carved out. I'm hollow. I'm hollow yet unresonant. It seems unfair. It seems like if you get carved out, at least you should get to become a great, you know, instrument. Idea for a book. One densely written page. One hundred pages of footnotes, 200 pages of index.

Would that be funny? How would that work? Ah, academics. Academics have beautiful graduation hats and gowns. They should wear them in public if they want us to treat them with respect. See, Pope. It's my second Pope tangential card. I've done it this week.

Once again, it worked okay last week, so I've done it again. I've just written the cards. There will be no meandering. There will be to the point, direct, beautiful podcasting for you, no matter where you are and what you're doing. My health is failing. I don't have very much time left. No doctor has told me this.

I have felt this way since I was a little boy. And one day it will have been true. There's a thing on my back. I have to get a biopsy. It's not going away. I got a cream. I thought that would help with it. My feet are restless.

What a beautiful term that is. My feet are restless at night. Last night I had magnesium. I didn't notice any particular difference. I've tried walking I've certainly tried not walking I don't know what I can do to make my... When I have a nap in the middle of the day,

whenever I'm so lucky is to accomplish that I have no restlessness of the feet. Why? Feet? Oh yes. There are dark and unusual places you can travel to in your spirit and mind. The depths! Head on down, snatch a jewel, and get out of there.

You don't want to spend a lot of time in there. Hey, we've got a milestone. I think even when it's a bad episode of this podcast, we're still getting like 30,000 listeners slash viewers when I add it all together. Sometimes it's much higher, and if there's a big guest, it's way, way higher. But if it's, you know, sometimes there's a, if there's a guest that no one wants to listen to, it's about the 30,000 mark. And if it's just me on my own, sometimes it's more than that.

Does that mean we won't have guests in the future because you don't want them? No. You know, does that mean I'm just going to climb the greasy pole? get all the famous people on the put? No, I'll keep having who I want on. But 30,000 as a baseline audience, it's pretty strong. I'm very, you know, I'm moved. Hello, I'm moved. I can't believe it. What do we, what do I use, what do I use that for? That's a, that's a proper following. Maybe nothing. Maybe we just keep going and, you know, get bigger and bigger and bigger and get that boat at some point. But is there anything interesting that you can do with having 30,000 followers?

Because I think usually what happens when you have a podcast and you're up to the 30,000 range is you just start doing ads for gambling and machines that you can insert your penis into. And, you know, tablets that will make your penis powerful and strong enough to put into the machine. It's all making the penis do things it doesn't want to do. Anyway. Third of that, is there anything more interesting we can do with it than that? Can we get someone elected? Can we make somebody a hit record?

can we um you know change fashion in some way if i get a new haircut will people start getting that haircut i don't want to show you the new haircut that i got because i i would be i just ask for a normal mullet look at what she look at what they did to me they massacred my boy anyway uh 30,000 people the urge to start a cult where i get intercourse with everybody's wife is enormous, but I'm not going to do it. Don't you worry about that. I'm not going to do it. Is it too late for me to go back to law school? Would that time be better spent at this point learning how to ride a horse?

Men who could ride horses get and deserve respect. Does anybody know how to contact Sia? I've got a hit single ready for Sia. Sia, get in touch, please. She's from my hometown, but I don't know anyone who knows. see uh you know personally i don't think the greeks did not get enough credit for their salad socrates homer democracy are these anywhere near as impressive as the greek salad i don't know who needs to hear this right now it won't be for everybody but if it's you

listen up close you suck apologize shame all right Dear Silverado Vineyards, I am writing to congratulate you on your 2024 Miller Ranch Savignon Blanc, which I have very much been enjoying. God bless you and keep up the good work. Dear Britt Marling and Britt Marling's creative partner, whose name I am not confident of pronouncing correctly, I have been re-watching the OA, a tremendous show. Well done. It pairs excellently with the 2024 Miller Ranch Savignon. blonk from Silverado vineyards that I have been enjoying. Best James Donald Fawkes we can.

Note to self, white wine will be a problem for me if I let it get out of control. It makes me feel astoundingly grateful. I saw a dog with a little shoes on. I went to like an outdoor mall. I went to a strip mall. And I saw a dog with little shoes on. And it was gross. And I don't know why it was gross.

But I trust in the wisdom. of disgust. Sometimes a cigar, hey, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes a cigar is a penis. But a penis is always a penis. A penis is never a cigar. Think about it. That's not one of my stronger poems. Urgency!

That's not one of my stronger poems either. It's very short. I went to the park this week and I saw a man teaching his boy how to play a play. baseball you know he's teaching like he started with a tea and he was hitting the ball it was flying off and then he was throwing it pretty hard at the boy and it was a young boy and the boy was really swinging and making contact it was very beautiful and um i'll just never be able to do that because i'm not i don't know how to play baseball so i will never be able to transfer my kids don't have a chance at making it in baseball even now even even even now it's probably

too late for them to get great at baseball um It made me sad It made me proud for this man Oh yes The rest of the card reads I'm failing my children I'm sure I'm teaching them how to do other stuff But athletics

They don't have a shot From me I had a haircut that made me upset Oh yeah I did I did want to acknowledge the haircut I thought I didn't want it But I earlier in the way Oh man

I feel like a big Samoan rapper From a rough and tumbled suburb of Melbourne. Oe! Oos! I had a haircut that made me upset. I came out of the hair cutting shop and I went to...

There was a yogurt. There was a yogurt place nearby. Frozen yogurt and I had some frozen yogurt. And it made me feel a lot better. And it made me wonder how many of the sales in that yogurt shop are from people who are not thrilled about their haircuts. And Eve's calling Eve's... But she's just downstairs with the...

Eve! oh i can't i can i can i can i can't if i don't want to stop the recording yeah come on in you're on the pod i present to you your keys i thank you for the keys it would be crazy if i was taken would you anything you'd like to quickly say the listeners i've never oh hey i've never been in this part of the house before and i i'm excited to be here I made like chicken fingers and rice and broccoli, but the chicken fingers are bad. Everything's bad. All right, Eve, everybody.

Eve, let's give it up for Eve. Oh, yes. Anyway, I was just thinking about the haircut. Spare the rot. Spoil the Bass Pro Shop inventory. Yeah, now we're off to a flyer. Some people are unworthy of romantic love. That one's actually more.

Note to self, there has to be a better word than unworthy. That could sound too mean. consider changing to suffering too much soul mutilation or not enough. Yeah, romantic love. It's not for everybody. Debating class might be evil. Is it not sophistry? Do we need more of that?

I speak as one who knows, who has seen, who has profited. I love doing this podcast. I'm so blessed that I get to do this podcast. And that there's 30-something thousand. Maybe I've acknowledged it now and it'll all go away. And maybe, no, this time four people will watch and, you know. I'm just very grateful and I want to say thank you. I mean, I'm working on it.

This is, when there's a great one of these, it does come out of the podcast and go on the live act. And I have a lot of tour dates coming up. I'm going to Buffalo this week and then Oklahoma and Tulsa and Nashville and Alabama and Washington. There's all these places coming up. So I just want you to know. balms, ointments, poultices, and creams. Thank you for the beautiful things you do for skin. P.S. Salves and syrims.

Don't you ever show your face around here again? Devastating news. Word from Adelaide that there are now too many sandwich shops in the Central Business District. It was my dream to open a sandwich shop in the Central Business District of Adelaide, but I have heard that business conditions have become unfavorable, and there is now a veritable glut of sandwich shop. In my absence, everybody's had the idea. Maybe I spoke about it too much.

There was a glut on sandwich shops. Oh, no! What will I do now in my autumnal years? Iceland news. News from Iceland. I've been reading about Iceland, because I want to have a bigger fan base in Iceland, and apparently mosquitoes down there. Sited in Iceland for the first time.

That's bad news for Iceland. I have a perpetual sense of having forgotten something. And if I could just remember what it was, I think everything would be okay. I've started making more lists. Ever since I started writing podcast, Talking Point Ideas now, I have started making more lists. And I just always feel like this. I'm leaving off the list. I will get better in making lists, and I will womanize my life.

Okay. You ever seen the movie The 400 Blows? There's this kid who runs towards the ocean. He wants to be at the ocean. His whole life, he thinks, if I could see the ocean. Ah, that would be really. or something. And then he gets to see the ocean, and the last shot of the movie is him turning around, having seen the ocean. And he's disappointed. It's just a freeze frame of him looking at the ocean. And I don't know how you're meant to feel when you see that scene, but here's what I feel. What a terrible child. Ungrateful to see the ocean. That's the ocean. Show some respect. The word respect is finding its way into a lot of these. I wonder if I'm having a problem. I found out there are lots of words of me. Americans don't know that British people use, and that we in Australia by association.

Shant, cheeky, chuffed, gutted, knackard, dodgy, dodgy, argy-bargy, jiggery-pokery, boffin, glumfing, squimble, slithy, vauple. I can't believe that all of these words aren't common occurrence. Top five songs about traumatic head injuries. My scar is visible again with this haircut. I actually don't mind when the scar's visible. People deserve to know. Top five songs about. traumatic head injuries.

Number five, I hadn't heard of before, but when I looked this up, this is the only one I hadn't heard of before. It was, I've suffered a head injury by the Verve Pipe. It was fine. Number one, these are in no particular order. I think the best one might be White Winter Himnal by the Fleet Foxes. I think that's about someone suffering a head injury. Then, of course, we've got Jack and Jill, and it's raining and it's pouring.

Think about it. both about head injuries and my personal well it'll be tied for first favourite with white winter hymnal but it loses some points for being possibly more about a

neck injury and that's a it goes it goes it goes goes guillotine the death grips guillotine by death grips I mean the head surely it suffers some sort of injury

is it comes out of the guillotine garlic bread spring rolls egg rolls prawn crackers the side is the maim restaurant idea only sides and dessert Man, look at that. I had another one about I didn't know what food I was going to sell.

And then I think earlier, because it's on the thing I wrote on earlier, I'd already come up with the idea. The Sides Restaurant. All we do is Sides. Fries. Chips. Fry. Hot chips. Hot fries. Garlic bread. Spring rolls. Little salad. Greek. Nasal strips. Oh yeah, I had an idea for a nasal. I've been wearing nasal strips at night. I'm really enjoying those. nasal strips and I wrote an idea, you know, they open up the nose or whatever. And here's an idea

for a sitcom joke. Someone comes in and goes, what? I told you to get me nasal strips. And the other guy goes, yeah, I did. He says, well, when I sent you out to get, probably could just start here actually with the retelling of it. All right, this is my idea for a sitcom joke. It's someone going, when I sent you out for nasal strips, I wanted the little bits of plastic that go across the nose and help you breathe. Not 45 Israeli exotic dancers? My gig's coming up at November 1st and 2nd in Buffalo, November 5, OKC, November 6, Tulsa, later, Huntsville, Nashville, Washington, D.C. I had an idea for an airline, and it was middle-class air is what I was going to call, and everyone's in business class, and it's cheaper. It's like more expensive than economy, but everybody gets to just be in business.

That's nice. And I found out that it did exist. I looked it up, and it grossed me out, and I realized I didn't want to open an airline. I want standards to lift, and that the answer is probably. finding a cheaper source of energy, and that seems like a big investment for me right now. Ban, mind-controlling prompts at stores. Like, you'll be at IKEA, and they say, are you a member of the IKEA family club? And the options are yes or not yet?

I'm going to need an option for never. Ban, pants. Oh, points. Yeah, sorry, this becomes very, like, annoyed in store stuff all of a sudden towards the end. I wish I'd shuffled these. I feel it was better at the start. But James, don't you always feel that? All right.

Ban points and currencies at stores. Subway dollars. Frequent flyer miles. Tocons at video game arcades. Special Metro cards. One currency. No tricks. In my first term of office.

This week, I started getting things done. Why is admin so burdensome? How successful does one need to hire a PA? More successful. Although Eve has done, I'm sure, a great job with these chicken things. I bet they're pretty good. I offer my suffering up to God. may my suffering be a gift. May I give thanks for my suffering. May my suffering be a joy.

I was raised Unitarian. Obviously I'm not Unitarian. I'm not Unitarian. I was raised Unitarian. A lot of people don't know what that means. The easiest way I can think to explain it is Unitarians don't know what they are either. If ever do stand up about God and religion, I'll do that. But at the moment, I love you, I miss you, I want you, I want you, I want you, I want you, I need you, ah, yeah, ah. This has been another episode of the James Don Enforcement game, Gadamaran plan. Again, I feel like coming in at around 20 minutes, that's where we want to be, 20 minutes. If it's just me alone with the ideas I've had for the week, I mean, that's 40 cards. That's over 40 cards.

Huh? James Donald Fawkes-Macon Catamaran plan. I'm going to go and have some chicken fingers now. I'm going to be able to be. Thank you.