The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Captivating Violation

Episode Date: July 31, 2022

Check out our sponsor, Hill St Productions: https://www.hillstproductions.com/homePaul and his team come highly recommended, and not just because of the transactional nature of this advertisement.Join the patreon: www.patreon.com/jdfmccannListen to the mixtaping identity podcast, I had a wonderful time and just went on and on for hours and Shane was very gracious indeed: https://mixtapingid.podbean.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! You are about to listen to the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan, the greatest podcast of all time.

But beware all who listen, because this podcast is so good, it is absolutely going to destroy any enjoyment you might have for other podcasts in the future. And is that something you're ready for? A greatness so astronomical it will make you feel violated, but a beautiful, captivating violation that will awaken appetite for horrors hitherto unimagined. It'll be like going back to a Toyota after you've driven in a Rolls Royce. It'll be like popping Panadol after a severe opioid addiction. Like going back to a kiss on the cheek after you've had a whole watermelon up there. Oh, listen, I'm all for self-confidence, but we might have to lower some expectations.

I think the theme music is moving in a positive direction. I like that more than the other introductions. No one got shot that time. But yes, here's... How about... Welcome to the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. It's a podcast about a man trying to buy a boat with his podcast. And it's pretty good.

That's the level of podcast that I'm comfortable delivering. I don't know about... Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan program podcast. It's the podcast where I, James Donald Forbes McCann, use my podcast. Well, I've explained it already, haven't I?

You know what it is. And some wonderful things are happening. We've had our biggest week by far. The growth is on. We're growing, we're knowing, we're showing, we're blowing up. It's a big podcast week. I think we're featured, as best I can tell, on the Samsung podcast app in America. So a big buenos dios to our new friends in the United States who are listening.

Every one of you beautiful listeners who hears an ad helps to contribute to the money that I will one day use to buy a boat. And of course, there's a Patreon. That's maybe the first thing that I should bring up. If you enjoy this podcast, go and sign up for the Patreon. All the patrons should be getting their mugs now. I've had a couple of people thank me for the mug. I appreciate that. Personalized mugs, two of them, of course, because the personalisation just comes off in the machine wash so you can't actually drink out of the personalised mug you drink the non-personalised mug and look at the other mug new goodies coming soon

for the Patreon people at the moment you get the Captain's Log bonus podcast anyway I just had a bowl of sultana bran, excuse me, just had a bowl of sultana bran and I bit down on a sultana and you know when there's a little, oh there it is, a little bit of grit in a sultana. It's something that I'd forgotten since my childhood and it made me not like sultanas at the time but I never know what it is. Just a bit gritty. It's something that I had forgotten since my childhood. It made me not like sultanas at the time, but I never know what it is. Just a bit gritty.

It's like eating sand. It's not pleasant. Anyway. There it is again. Shameful. No place for it on the podcast. Hello. So, first item.

Oh, that chair. You hear that? Oh, it's not a fart. Listen, one more time. Sometimes you can hear that in the background of the podcast. It's just me rocking on my chair. I tell you what, I'll get a new chair. I bought this chair just before we went into the lockdown the first time

because I thought I'd better have a nice chair. Not a great chair. Very, very noisy. Time to get a new chair. Time to get a new sort of cereal. Time to do so many things. But here's one thing I have been doing is going on other people's podcasts if you have a podcast and you'd like me to come on the answer is yes i'll do it baby that's how we do it getting out there going on other people's podcasts growing

the awareness spreading the good word i went on a wonderful podcast i really actually i really enjoyed going this this podcast. It was called, and I want to make sure I get the name absolutely correct. It's called Mixtaping Identity, hosted by Shane Mc... Is that his real name? McMenemy. Great name. It was like a McDonald's enemy. I didn't know.

Shane McMenemy, and it's the mixtaping identity podcast and he he collects uh he gets you to do your own mixtape excuse me with the chair unbelievable I'm just gonna stand up okay so I went on the mixtaping identity podcast and I think it's the longest episode because I really rambled so you have a mixtape of like 15 songs I think it's like a song that makes you happy it's like a song from your childhood, things like this. And then he just lets you. He's a very generous host, not at all like me. He's a very generous host.

He just lets the guest basically talk about the music. He's listened to all the music, by the way. So you make a playlist and he listens to it. And then you talk to him about why you like all the songs or why they're important to you or why you've chosen them for that category, whatever. Man, I mean, just, it really took me back to being, I mean, I've listened back to much of this podcast.

I am unbearable, I think. Or, you know, I must have been. This is what I sounded like all the way through university, just speaking very impassioned and grandiose about popular music, insisting that people listen to what I have to say. And this man's got a whole podcast about that. He's in Ireland. Hello. Namaste to any new Irish listeners.

It goes for two hours almost. He's edited it down somewhat and all the coughing. I was early in the morning and I was, I think from illness but here is just a little bit here's me talking about a song that motivates me balance by future islands all right song 12 and a song that motivates you so you've gone for balance by future islands yeah i feel like i the... The thing that compromises me motivationally is... Because I love projects and I love having a new project and doing it. But then when it hasn't been successful,

I'm embittered very quickly and I move on to another project. Right. And I love that this is... Future Islands toiled away in relative obscurity for many years. And then they had like a song that sort of popped, which was Seasons. And then they had that David Letterman appearance.

I think they could be the last band that popped on Late Night. Right, okay. And they're, because it just wasn't an institution the same way afterwards. They're so yeah and when he you know it just takes time

a little work on your time and the fact that he's released this song before that it's happened for him um and then it did happen after this and he was right

he was like just work away they were a hard touring band they worked really really hard they had so many great albums they're very strange he's got a weird voice a lovely weird voice

yeah and and the production is really unusual in a lot of their music but that yeah I find that

very motivating right just like a man in obscurity with some certainty saying it's going to be alright hang in there

when it hasn't actually really fully worked out for him at that point. And it does later on. But there's a confidence to that that I really enjoy. Yeah. Because I always think that if I was to say something like that, it would sound like a crazy person was talking. If I was like, you just hang in there, they'd be like, James, you're in a lot of debt.

You're quite obscure. And you're going to be homeless in September. And I'd have to go, man, just hang in there. they'll be like, James, you're in a lot of debt. You're quite obscure. And you're going to be homeless in September. And I'd have to go, man, just hang in there. Keep going. You have to be, part of me goes, you want to be successful before you say that. Right. You want to have had the success and then look back and go, hey, from over here, it's okay.

Yes. But from someone in the struggle going, no, it's going to be all right. This is false encouragement. But I find this song to be very heartening. Okay. So absolutely go and check out the Mixtaping Identity podcast. I can't say enough nice things about it. Mixtaping Identity.

Go and get it on the podcast places. Let's talk about the ads. The ads. The ads. People have been listening to the podcast, and I've been inundated with requests for me to read commercials and i thank you so we have our first we're working through a lot of that but we've got our first ad the money of which will be going you know there's ads pre-roll ads

and post-roll ads that are that are automatically put there by the people hosting the podcast but put there by the people hosting the podcast, but exciting, the first ad that I'm going to read out, that I'm being paid to read, from my friend Paul at Hill Street Productions. Paul's a filmmaker, he films all of my stuff, I have not really read the ad, let's go through it. Here we go. Catamaran Plan ad, very good, Hill Street hill street productions around one minute script excellent i don't know if one i don't think one usually reads that out anyway here we go quote mark i think this has been well established that it's no longer acceptable to just be a person

or physical business but what you may not have yet figured out because you and i am me out because you and I am me. What? Because you are you are because you are you and I am me is that it is also no longer acceptable. Hold on. I'll begin again. I think this has been well established that it's no longer acceptable to just be a person or a physical business. I think this is better. But what you may not yet have figured out, because you are you and I am me, is that it's also no longer acceptable to be the maker of your own online presence. You need a professional. And the professionals I trust for all my video production services are the wonderful team over at Hill Street Productions.

That is true. I mean, most of my videos. I mean, sometimes Paul's busy and I get other people to shoot things. And I've got a friend named Sam who shoots things as well, and he's not in Hill Street Productions, but often, I'd say often, instead of all my video, I mean, Paul sometimes doesn't live here, but he lives here now. Anyway, all my, it doesn't matter if it's 100% true, does it? It matters if the vibe is true for an ad. Okay, here we go. Hill Street Productions. Whether you need a comedy skit or a live show recorded

or a short documentary about the important work you are doing, Paul and his team are ready to turn your boring lives or business or better yet, your forgotten non-for-profit organisation into a sleek, powerful, emotionally resonant online juggernaut. And I can say that that is true. Here we go. Don't leave success to chance. Get in touch with Paul

and turn the art of filmmaking to your financial or reputational advantage. And he's got brackets. I don't know what to make of that. Oh, I see. It's a meta thing. All right. I'll do that again.

Get in touch with Paul and turn the art of filmmaking to your reputational advantage. Parentheses. Sorry, comma. The ad actually has that capitalised, like it's their tagline, colon, quote mark, capitalised T. Turn the art of filmmaking. It's all capitalised except for of and the. Turn the art of filmmaking it's all capitalized except

for of and the turn the art of filmmaking to also to and or or turn the art of filmmaking to your financial or reputational advantage in quotation marks uh ellipsis it doesn't really have a ring to it ellipsis and what's even stranger is that this aside what i'm saying to you right now is actually written into the ad's script you see he's um he's being a wry and then he writes my name is james and i'm a silly little boy who will do almost anything for money even going so far it's true even going so far as to recommend hill street productions that's www.hill i Oh, he wants me to spell it. That's www.hillstproductions.com. That's hillstreetproductions.com. Hill Street Productions, everybody. Get on it.

Our first sponsor, James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. Get around it. Potentially not the sort of ad I would write. I'm not really one for meta stuff, but I'll honestly... I'll do any ad. I'm not really one for meta stuff, but I'll, I'll honestly, I'll do any ad. I'll do any ad. I should have negotiated actually the price with Paul before reading that ad out. Hmm. Ah, well, I'm sure we'll, we'll figure something out. Uh,

Hill Street Productions. Yeah. They film a lot of my stuff, a lot of my stuff. And Paul's a great guy and the team, what a team. So that's the first live read was it not as smooth as um as I was hoping I will definitely read them before I read them on air next time but that's the sort of raw honesty you get with the catamaran plan how about that you know I mean I'm still talking about Hill Street Productions. I bet if I'd just done a professional read, it would have been wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, and it would have been over.

But now I've said Hill Street Productions like a hundred times. Hill Street Productions. This is not in the ad anymore, by the way. This is just me talking. So here's, I mean, you know, say we've got like 500 listeners a week, although last week we actually had substantially more than that. So if that ad, I think $20 per thousand is an industry rate.

So if that ad's worth like $10 for 500 listens, well, wouldn't it be good if in the future I had like 15 of those ads? And then the show, you know, maybe the back half of the show, it could just be, I could do like 15 ads and it the show you know maybe the back half of the show it could just be i could do like 15 ads and it's 150 a show it's a thought if you have a business if you have a business and you would like me to advertise it please reach out i'm on instagram at jdf mccann you can leave a review and tell me about it uh i'm a good chat comedy. If you want to talk to my manager, Jake. So many ways to reach out and get in touch.

Live reading catamaran plan ads. Okay. Ocean News. Man, I'm in a bad way. I don't know why. It feels like something's wrong with my brain. But nothing is going to stop me doing Ocean News. Nothing.

Nothing will stop me doing Ocean News. Wait, who are you? I'm the ghost of James Future. I'm here to tell you not to proceed with ocean news. Why? I can't tell you. Well, that's not a good enough reason for me. Now shut up while I read the news. And here it is. It's bizarre sea creature spotted for first time in Pacific Ocean. Wow!

A first time spotting a bizarre sea creature and it happened in the Pacific Ocean. Hold on, let's read on. This is courtesy of Channel 9. A scientific expedition has captured a view of a rare sea creature

for the first time in the Pacific Ocean. Wow! The Ocean Exploration's Trust Nautilus Expedition posted a video of the never-before-seen encounter about three kilometres below the ocean's surface on the Johnston Atoll, a US-incorporated territory west of Hawaii. The camera has caught sight of a sea pen, it's called, anchored to the ocean floor with 40 centimetres of tentacles flowing out from its two metre long stalk.

And let me just say, I'm looking at it now, this Sea Pen sure is bizarre. I've never seen anything like it. Really, really exciting stuff. The species, wait, what? Reading on here, the Nine News story, the species had previously only been spotted in the Atlantic and Indian Oceans, so they had seen it before. Hold on. Oh, well, that is a very snarkily written headline. Bizarre sea creature spotted for first time in Pacific Ocean.

So they've seen it in other oceans. It's just the first time they've seen it in the Pacific Ocean. I thought they were seeing it in the Pacific Ocean, it was the first time full stop. I told you not to do the ocean news, it could only make you unhappy. Ah, shut up, Ghost of James Future. Ah, that's disappointing. Ah, that's disappointing. Let's have some affirmation.

I affirm that I'm going to just do better. I'm going to get on top of that backlog. There's never time. Act. I haven't forgotten about you. I haven't forgotten about our Zimbabwe episode. I'm going to be editing that up. That's going to be coming out, I believe, this week.

Let's have some affirmation. Oh, I've got to stop wasting my time on things that don't matter and start doing things that do matter, like that ocean news segment. Crazy. I should never have done that segment. If you'll excuse me, I'm just going to head back in time for a moment and try to warn myself.

I'm back now. That didn't work. Dang. Why did my voice sound weird and spooky? Why did I call myself a ghost? All right. Oh, I'm going to get on top of my work. I'm going to do some exercise.

Come on, get the body right. I'm going to continue uploading exercise. Come on, get the body right. I'm going to continue uploading my old Instagram content onto TikTok to grow to a fresh new talk audience. Hello, talk team. I'm going to work on reading my ads better. Any ads that I have in the future, including ones from Paul. Paul, thank you for your ad. Thank you for your contribution to the catamaran plan. Oh, I'm going to try and do better in that regard. And very exciting. I mean, this is something that's taken up quite a lot of time over the last little while,

but we have a very special new project launching later in this week. It's a new project for the catamaran plan. I've spoken about it very minimally. If I have spoken about it, I don't remember. But that'll be coming out this week, and then I'll talk more about what has happened on the Monday podcast. But don't forget to join that James Donald Forth McCann YouTube channel if you'd like to see it.

And don't forget to join that James Donald Forth McCann Catamaran Plan Captain's Log Patreon if you'd like to join the Patreon. Oh, what percentage of this podcast is just asking people to do things? How about I bring a little talent? How about I bring a little exceptionalism? You know, rather than... How about more flies with honey than vinegar, Jimmy? Have we forgotten what this podcast was meant to be about?

How about I bring a little exceptionalism? Hmm? A boat? Ah, mercy. Mercy me. Like popping panadol, like popping panadol, like popping panadol after a watermelon. Violated panadol after a severe opioid addiction. Watermelon. Watermelon. That's bad.

The road really screwed up my sex life at the moment. You go on the road, and there's some type of fame or whatever, and all of a sudden you can have it every day. And then all of a sudden you want to get selected, and then all of a sudden you want a day's on an affinity, two a day, and three a day. And two at a time, then two at a time with toys, and two at a time with, I'll just watch, and it just gets more bizarre and more bizarre, and it finally gets to the point that when you go home and try to make love Ain't no way. Ain't no way. Because the mental stimulation is not there.

That's bad. That's bad. I saw a joke I seen in a book one time. A man and a woman laying next to each other. What's wrong? You can't think of anybody else either. Watermelon. Water either. Watermelon. Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon. That's bad.

That's bad. That's bad. That's bad. That's bad. This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessi Cruikshank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend. I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier.

So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com.