The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Counting to 34 (with Ash Fils-Aime)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

Marlon Brando 9/11 is basically done, and is coming out THIS WEEK, September 10. How many copies of this exquisite book of poems will we sell?Thanks to Ash! Check out his special when it is out.Join the patreon, get the goodies, extra episodes: www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! There are many roads to boat wealth. The sort of wealth where you can buy a boat.

You can get that sort of wealth by succeeding in business, or by becoming a big celebrity in movies. You can get that kind of wealth by becoming the dictator of a country. You can get that sort of wealth by having ancestors who did terrible, horrible, very bad things. You know, if your grandpa was a top Nazi and smuggled gold into a bank account Hello I would like to put this gold in this very secret Swiss bank account, please. You can probably buy a boat. Thank you for my boat, grandpa.

But at this time, James Donald Forbes McCann is trying to get boat wealth another way. He's trying to get boat wealth in a way that nobody has ever done it before. It's only once in a man's life. Oh, sometimes never in a man's life. Oh, sometimes never in a man's life. But it's only ever once in a man's life that he stands on the precipice of the release of his first book of poems. Marlon Brando, 9-11, my first book of poems will be coming out on September 10. Pre-9-11.

And it's, I don't know, it's about 80 pages. Costs $20 plus postage. That's 25 cents a page. What a steal. What an inexpensive page. And that's coming out September 10. I want to thank everybody who's been such a big important part of bringing that book of poems together. I want to thank Jamison for designing the cover. It's a wonderful cover. It's exactly what I wanted

it to be. I want to thank everyone who's proofread the book of poems Now obviously You don't really have to proofread Modern poetry Do you? You can just have spelling mistakes and commas in the wrong places And people will think that you're being creative Nevertheless I have attempted to have More or less correct pronunciation

And spelling I think James meant to say punctuation not pronunciation But he's tired after a long drive, so let's cut the man some slack. I want to thank Sean Haylock and Anna Freer for writing two, I've written, have two introductions because I wanted to pad it out and make it a bit longer so the people who bought the book were getting some bang for their buck. who bought the book were getting some bang for their buck. I just, I made the PDFs myself.

I wrote the poems myself. I want to thank my dad as well. My dad has a poem in the book. He said, you know, I've written a poem. A couple of people have spoken to me and said that they've been so moved by my flagrant writing of bad poetry that it's given them the confidence to write their own bad poetry. But I think Dad's poem is pretty good. So I might, I've included one of his poems at the very end, you know, maybe we'll release as a catamaran press publishing house, his poem. But I, how do I feel?

How do I feel with these poems coming out so soon? I feel fine. Well, I feel fine about that. I feel terribly anxious about all sorts of other things, like moving house and being on the road. You know, the state of my soul, how fat I am, things like that. But the poems, I feel pretty good. I did a show last night in Brisbane where I read some of the poems. Man, the people of Brisbane loved it.

Not all the poems, obviously. Some of the poems are not very funny. Some of the poems are too beautiful, moving and sad. Or just not very well written. But we're on our way. We are really well and truly on our way with the book of poems. And they're coming out. And I don't know how many will sell.

For reference, I've got 2,300 people following me on Instagram. I've got 1.4 thousand people on Facebook or thereabouts. I've got, I don't know, just over a thousand people on Twitter. Now, I don't know that I'll be really getting that many of any of those people buying a book of poems. I think on Twitter, people are there largely in case I, you know, go on one of my tirades. That's what they want to see. They don't really want to see a book of my poems. And I think Facebook, man, there's no traction on Facebook anymore. No one's actually on Facebook. Hello to you if you're on Facebook, but I think I'm close to about 13 people on

Facebook. This is called, this, by the way, what I'm talking through is the, someone described it in show business to me once. It's called the roadway to audience. Maybe it was called highway to audience. Maybe it was just called road to audience. It's like you want to capture people on social media and then try and push a product on them. But I don't really have a very big social media presence. About 500 downloads of this podcast every week. And thank you for tuning in. I love having you listen into my podcast. How many books of poetry are we going to sell in the first weekend? Up to the Monday morning after the book comes out,

how many people are going to order a book of these poems? What sort of income can we predict? Well, we've got just over 2,000 Instagram people. We've got about 700 YouTube people, just over 1,000 Twitterers and Facebookers. I have a small mailing list. And I, of course, have this podcast, which gets about 500 listens. Now, if you add all that together, you get a number that's probably not very indicative of how many fans I have. Because I assume that things double up. You know, if you like me on Instagram, you might like me on Facebook.

You might like me on Twitter. You might listen to the podcast. Anyway. So I don't know how many, I'm going to say the number of fans I have is probably just the 500 people listening to this this week. That's the true committed James Donald Forbes McCann people. And even then, maybe it's only 400 and every week we're getting 100 curious Georges, Johnny come late please, popping their heads in and saying, what's going on here?

Oh, no, that's not for me. And then seeing themselves out. Some of them don't see themselves out and they remain growing fans. But my point being, in terms of how many book buyers I have, with no promo, just people waiting out to drop cash on me, I don't know how many there are. I think in terms of people willing to buy tickets to something, there's a few hundred in Adelaide. There's maybe 50 in Brisbane, 50 in Melbourne, 50 in Sydney. Will all those people want to buy things? I don't know. So I asked my manager and I said, manager Jake, how many do you think I'm going to sell?

And he said I would be impressed by 30. Actually, I listened back to the Patreon-only podcast where he made an estimate, and it was actually only 20. How many copies do you think we'll sell opening weekend, Jake Smith? Upwards of 20. Really? Yeah. Oh, I wasn't going to say that many.

Goodness gracious, I was thinking like 10. But let's let James keep accidentally believing he said 30. It might be good for him. And I spoke to my friend Anna, who wrote the introduction, and she said, James, she said, I'd be impressed if you sold 300. And I thought, you and me both. But opening weekend, what's a success weekend What's a success? What's a failure?

Well for the amount of time and effort that's been put into it I think one book sold would be good I haven't worked very hard on the poems They just fall out of me like I'm an antenna See right there is your problem with this man writing a book of poems Things don't tend to fall out of an antenna That is a bizarre and meaningless thing to say. I gotta tell ya, I feel almost guilty releasing this book of poems because it's been so easy.

There's been no agony, no difficulty. They just plop right out of me. Like an antenna? I wish I could read one of the poems to you now. But I gave my draft copy away to Peter James today and it made him so pleased. Well, that's one less person who's buying a copy of my book of poems. Oh, they just come. They just flow.

I just feel them. And I write them down. Are they any good? I don't know. Who knows what's good and what's not good in this day and age. But, again, I read them out in Brisbane. I read them out in Adelaide. People seem to enjoy them.

Who knows how many books of poems we will sell opening weekend. Again, I read them out in Brisbane. I read them out in Adelaide. People seem to enjoy them. Who knows how many books of poems we will sell opening weekend. And now, of course, after that, we can start doing all of the things that might result in more copies of the books of poems. Selling, we might have to get some reviews, some interviews, some Jimmy Choos, some Penny Loafer Shoes. Do you know what I'm saying? No. I mean, we could record some ads. interviews, some Jimmy Choos, some Penny Loafer Shoes. Do you know what I'm saying? No. I mean, we could record some ads, and we can target people on Facebook who buy books of poems.

We can buy ads on Amazon. I can do a radio tour. I can go on all the different radio stations, maybe, if they'll have me. Hello, Ben and Liam, can I talk about my book of poems? They might say yes.ael hing hello i don't know if you heard the last open letter that i wrote to you but wouldn't it be absolutely lovely if you let me talk about my book of poems on triple j marlon brando 9 11 who knows we'll try and get on some other people's podcasts but to begin with with no further promo just on september 10 i'm going to say you

know what would please me what would really thrill me is 30 i think if we sell 30 the same number that his manager did not say that'll be good i'll be pleased with that any more than that it's a gift any less than that it's a gift as well if i I sell one, if I sell one, frankly, you know what? Revise the 30 thing. 30 go away. If I sell one book of poems, I'll be as happy as a little girl. Even if I just sell that one book of poems. And if that's to you, the person listening to this podcast,

if you go out right now, you go to Amazon, you know, and say it's past September 10, and you look up Marlon Brando 9-11, beautiful poems that everybody will love. You know, everybody will love these poems. I truly believe that. So if you go and you look that up and you buy those poems and they come direct to your house and you read them, you love them. That's enough for me. And if we sell, of course, 100,000, and we could sell 100,000, well, I'll just buy the boat, and that'll be that. And I'll probably start working...

Ooh, excuse me, a little burp there. That will be that, and then I'll probably start working on the next book of poems, because if you sell that many poems, boy, how do you... I don't know how it would be possible to sell that many opening weekend. There wouldn't be time for the poems actually to be delivered to anybody who had ordered it.

So I would need just people on the name alone to, in vast numbers, buy the poems. That seems unlikely. But let's see. One. If I sell one. If I sell one, we're having fun. If I sell two, well, that's good too. It's not a very good rhyme, not very portentous for the book of poems.

If I sell three, yippee. If I sell four, ooh, we've sold some more. If I sell five, I'll feel alive. Yes. If I sell six, I'll chuck on some dicks. Excuse me. I don't know why that came out of me. If I sell six... I'm... If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered.

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Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Well, our book of poems is really in the mix. If I sell seven, that's a foretaste of heaven. If I sell eight, hmm's a foretaste of heaven. If I sell eight, easy rhyme there is I'm feeling great. Why should we reach for anything more difficult? I'm feeling great. If we sell nine, that doesn't make a lot of sense though, because nine would be better than eight, right? And with nine, I obviously want to rhyme it with I'm feeling fine. Hmm. Ooh. Nine.

Well, that's divine. Hmm. Ten. Check those numbers again. That's too many. Eleven. That's a foretaste of heaven. Even more.

Twelve. Start putting money on a shelf. Thirteen. Thirteen. Those numbers ain't mean. Fourteen. Those numbers ain't mean. Fifteen. I bet you're feeling green with envy.

Sixteen. I bet you're feeling green with nausea from the inability to comprehend how many books or poems I'm selling. Seventeen. That's the number between. Eighteen. And nineteen. No, it's not. That would be eighteen and a half. Ah, look.

Twenty. Thank goodness. This should be last one. Mmm, that book's not so spendy. $20 RRP. 21. I was wrong. Now we're having fun. 22.

I don't know what to do. 23. Financial freedom got me feeling free. 24. Give me some more. 23 Financial freedom got me feeling free 24 Give me some more 25 A jumping job 26

I'm choking on dicks Again, again, why that? Why say that? That's unpleasant 26 I'm going to get inspected by Hans Bricks From the UN you remember that? 27

say foretaste of heaven again I dare you that's more than 11 that's true 28 I'm feeling better excuse me 28

I can be late because you can be late when you have money. 29. I could pay any fine. You know what I mean? Like when I'm driving around on the road at the moment and I see the police, I'm very afraid. Because I'm trying to do the right thing by them. But if for some reason you've got a taillight out and they're giving you a fine. Or if they say, hey, we saw you on your phone, which I do all the time. We're giving you a fine. Hey, a taillight out and giving you a fine or if they say hey we saw you on your phone which i do all the time we're giving you a fine hey you were speeding

we're giving you a fine you didn't indicate we're giving you a fine i can't afford to pay any of those fines at the moment but if i sell 29 copies of marlon brando 911 this weekend i can break any road rule i want watch out i'm coming for you. I'm running you down. 30. I'm feeling dirty because I've got too much money. And it's the root of all evil is the covetous desire for money. 31. We've only just begun. One could go on and on.

And frankly, if you've stayed with me this long I congratulate you I congratulate you a third of two come on how can you tolerate me third of three do you want some more third of four I don't know how many copies of the book we're going to sell that poem's not in the book maybe in the next book but not in this book housemate for the night ash phil zayn has come back am i am saying that correctly i always think i'm getting it wrong that is actually it's actually fees of me but yeah phil zayn ash phil zayn has returned from a successful mc gig you were good yeah you were good too, man. Gosh, we were both pretty good. Yeah, we were awesome.

I think we're the best comedians in the world. That's why only the best comedians in the world get to come down to, what is the name of this town again? Lennox Heads. And what a wonderful place it is. Now, I like to end the podcast, I've just done most of it,

with affirmations. Yes. You can join me here. So, for example, I affirm that I'm going to sell at least one copy of my book of poems that's coming out very soon, you know? But you've got a special that you've recorded not long ago. Yes, I got a special I just recorded. We just sold it.

We're in the process of the marketing. It's going to be released in January, December, January. More than likely January, because there's so many stuff. So much stuff. So many hoops. Yeah. Can I say something you told me after you recorded the special? Yes, yes, you can.

And I've quoted this to people. Do you know what I'm about to say? Yes. I said, how did it go? And what did you say? I said, God was in the building. You said, God was in the building. God was in the building, man, because it was such a magical night.

It couldn't be nothing but God. That's such an American thing to do. No Australian ever had the show go, mate, I reckon God was in the building. No, it was all right. It was fair enough. But only the American can go, how was your special? It was like, God was in the building. God was in the building, yo.

God was in. You know, people don't know this. I actually fasted for three days for this. Because I'm not Christian. Well, look, I'm very spiritual. That's a private life of mine. We'll talk about it. But what I did, I fasted and I prayed for three days straight.

Drank nothing but water, man. Before the special. When they're for the show? Before the special. And nothing until after you came off stage? No, no, no, no. You've got a cab load before. No, no, I did it the weekend before because it was on a Sunday.

I didn't want to fast on the 30th because it's usually Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I was on a fast. But the weekend before, I fasted Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I just drank water and I just prayed. I was in my room. I just prayed and I just prayed because I've never done anything like that in my life. I made it myself, produced it myself. I didn't know if people were going to show up or if I had any fans. You know, it's my first time doing something like this because no one was paying me any attention as far as the industry goes.

I've just bitched and mined about this book of poems and said a very similar thing, but I haven't done any fasting. I just had a packet of chips. Oh, man. Excuse me. Hold on. Something's going on. Is that your phone? Yeah, that was my wife messaging me.

Yeah, you worked hard. I worked extremely hard in it, man. And it was a Sunday night. We sold out a 450 venue theater. And what I did was I brought a lot of opening acts. I had six opening acts open up for me. And because these acts, two of them usually do the comics lounge, but a lot of them, four of them always wanted to do it,

but they never got a chance. And you got Alessio up. Is this correct? Yes. Alessio being one of them. And that was his first time doing that? That was his first time. That's a blessing because he's a talent.

He's wonderful. Yeah. He's been trying to get on there for so long and you got him in the door. You did the right thing. I did. I did that for a couple of comics, man. I always do that. But like, I saw him, I'm like, why don't you get on the lounge?

He's like, oh, you know, he reminds me of a younger me in the sense that he's apprehensive about asking. He's scared to ask. So I'm like, you know what, I get where you're coming from. I say you're scared to ask. He's like, why don't you do it? He's like, oh, you know, I'm like, don't worry about it, dude. So I went, I talked to the guys. The guys goes, the bookers, and they go, you can book whoever you want to.

It's your fucking show, man. I go, got it. And I told him very nonchalantly I said oh I was actually I was finishing a gig and that young Italian man who's here every single day yeah

maybe we'll put him on I said no yeah well I saw him at another gig another open mic I go hey by the way man you're opening up for me March 13th

he goes really I said yeah at the comic center he goes okay I said are you ready he goes yeah and I just walked away and he was just like

and I'm sure he was like fuck him because you got to do it in a very subtle way you can't be like hey man guess what I'm over you know you don't amp him up you want to make him calm yeah I think it was a good thing to do so bookers and like people who book rooms that we do very great but like well you just have to be good to get in a room right doesn't matter if you can make people laugh and they'll come back but we're talking about another level of

the industry where they don't actually profit right it's just gatekeeping yeah and that's that's what I've been that's what made me do a special on my own I realized no one was like in the industry

that the gatekeepers weren't taking me that serious and it's just like I feel like in a sense like well you're American why are you here you're American

like you can be in America doing this and so there's a sense of that and the thing is I thought like when I was black so I felt like you know they're doing all this you know agenda stuff I didn't even fit that you know thing is that I thought like when I was black, so I fit like, you know, they're doing all this, you know, agenda stuff.

I didn't even fit that. You know when I should have struck? When George Floyd got choked out. That would have been the perfect time. Because I was getting messages from all types of people. Hey, are you okay? I'm like, I'm fine. I could be better if I had more gigs.

Yeah. Yeah. It was during a lockdown. At first, I'm like, the lockdown. Yeah. No, not the lockdown. You know, the George Floyd thing. I'm like, I didn't get Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It was during a lockdown. At first, I'm like, the lockdown, yeah. No, not the lockdown. You know, the George Floyd thing. I'm like, I didn't get choked out, bro. And yes, I'm okay.

This has been happening for a very, very long time. And it's not something that's new to me. But I should have been, I should have went to an agency. Like, hey, you guys want to sign me, man? Come on. Black Lives Matter. I should have capitalized on it. Now is the time, yeah.

Because you know what it is? And I'll say this very bluntly. Black, we are a box to tick. I got told by one agency that we already have a black person. Yeah. We already have a black person.

One black person. Yeah, and so that was enough. And that's how they think. They try to be so non-racist that they come out more racist than they're trying to be in the first place.

God was in the building. God was in the building. God was in the building again. Hey, I affirm you're going to make it. Thanks. I think I intermittent fast for that one. Yeah, I got to do some fasting. I'm going to finish this beer and then after that I'll consider fasting. Hey, thank you for coming on the Catamaran Plan.

Yeah, man. Thanks for having me, brother. Thank you very much. James Donald, Fools McCann, Catamaran Plan listeners. That's Marlon Brando, 9-11. Let's not forget, that's coming out soon. I love you. I miss you.

Catamaran Ho. Goodbye. Keep it real, everybody. Here's a song. One time Looking into your eyes Seeing the hatred Seeing the lies Seeing the things that I despise Seeing the things I wish weren't true Maybe I love you Kissing and hugging And walking and talking

And looking and touching And feeling and fighting And touching and doing All the things that lovers do Maybe I love you Because you're all I've ever wanted And you're all I need to get me through the day Baby Baby Oh yeah And you outlawed me to get me through the day Baby

Baby And you know that deep down That for you It's just the same way At least it used to be Baby Sometimes You and me Used to take such joy Two and a half times Kissing and hugging and walking and talking and looking and searching

Feeling and fighting and searching and doing all the things that lovers do Maybe I love you Because you're all I've ever wanted And you're all I need to get me through the day Baby Baby, oh yeah And you know that deep down That for you

It's just the same way At least it used to be You're all I've ever wanted And you're all I need to get me through the day Baby, baby, for you And you know that it's down for you It's just the same way At least it used to be Ooh, ooh, ooh Home! father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you,

whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca.