The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Dependence Day

Episode Date: July 4, 2023

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I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out

now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Oh, I've just listened back to the first 10 minutes of the podcast, and I can't recommend it. I don't think this is one that anyone should bother listening to. I like to do this podcast no matter what state I'm in. I try and get it out every single week. I think consistency is the answer for growth. It's the only thing I've noticed that actually helps the

podcast grow is if it does come out every week, rain, hail, shine, whatever, it has to come out every week and that way it gets bigger and bigger and bigger and then more people listen and then I get more money and then I get to buy a boat. But I've just gone back and listened to the first 10 minutes. Gee, I sound like a great big bitch. It's a very whingy, negative podcast this week. So I've, look, I've stopped recording now and I've gone back to the start and I've added in this disclaimer. And I'll just say, if you're allergic to bitch allergens, skip the first 10 minutes of this podcast and I will try to come up with something that's a bit cheerier at the end. I don't know what that is yet. Anyway, here's a Mopey 10 up top.

You know, the writer Henri de Balzac, I believe he had a cane that he would walk around with. And on that cane was inscribed the words, I smash all obstacles. words i smash all obstacles and then i think kafka the german writer franz kafka he was made aware of that cane and he said i wish i had a cane that said all obstacles smash me and i'm definitely today in more of the all-obstacles-smash-me frame of mind. It's one of those days where everything just seems to be a bit too hard and going a bit wrong. I had to walk into town today, and I carried all my podcasting equipment with me on that walk in a little bag that I had to carry by hand, like a supermarket hessian bag, because my backpack is out of commission at the moment it's still filled with broken glass from a jar of pickles that smashed in my backpack destroying

many expensive cables and plugs i tried to i don't know if i mentioned this i tried to use one of the plugs after it had been doused in pickle juice, and it exploded and created a large flame. And luckily I was not burnt because to turn the switch on, I used a wooden mallet from a toy xylophone that one of my children was using, just because I thought, well, I don't know how this is going to go. This got quite wet. Maybe there's still some pickle juice in there. Thank goodness I did.

Thank goodness I did. Thank goodness I did use that wooden mallet. I used the wooden mallet as opposed to, well, I just thought wood, it was a poor conductor of electricity. But there's big scorch marks all up the bloody wall. So I don't have a bag because I've been too depressed at the thought of the smashed pickle jar to actually remove the broken glass fully. So instead I just carried all my things in on a hessian sack. And the reason that I walked in is because my car's broken. And I had to take it to the shop to be fixed.

They're seeing if they can remedy the air conditioner in time for me to drive my family to Melbourne on Wednesday. Gives them a full 24 hours to fix the air conditioner. There's not very much time if you ask me. He seemed very sanguine about it. The chappy at the car fixing shop. Oh, I'm sure he'll charge me a pretty penny. So, oh, and I'm walking in on weird shoes. I have the wrong shoes now. My old pair of shoes was broken. It had, well, they weren't broken. I could have kept going with it, but people, people started to make fun of me.

My shoes had too many holes in them. And then someone was organizing a shoeie and they said, well, we can't be using James's shoes for the shoeie because they're full of holes. So the beer will come right out of them before it has a chance to splash it out on our gullet. come right out of them before it has a chance to splash it out on our gullet. So I went out and I bought a new pair of shoes, and I had just been buying the same model of shoes every time, but I saw a nicer pair of shoes, and they were on special.

And it turns out that even though they might have seemed nicer, they're not nearly as nice for walking in. I had to get some expensive insoles, and that hasn't really helped things either. So I'm just out of my broken bag and my broken shoes and my broken car and my broken body and I come to you a broken man, ladies and gentlemen, recording the podcast today in the office. And I was trying to get the podcast done in time while the other chaps in the office were out for lunch, but they've just come back from lunch.

What did you have for lunch, boys? Wanton soup. Wanton soup. Oh, I wish I'd had a wonton soup. I had... Come and be on the podcast for a moment. I had a dread... I had a suita banh mi roll,

just because it was on the way. Dreadful. Dreadful. Oh, the quality's really fallen off since they've become a chain. Where'd you get that? Oh, just a banh mi, just a conventional banh mi,

swimming in a mediocre mayonnaise. Terrible little spring roll, terrible. Gelatinous. Is it a tiny spring roll? Tiny, nasty. I don't get it, I don't get it. Oh, it was like a cigarette, but in spring roll form.

I'll stop recording this now, people have to go back to work in this office. And this would be highly unprofessional. Okay, it's the end of the day, everybody everybody else has left i'm now ready to resume the podcast in frankly a much better mood i got a lot of uh a lot of work done today that was nice i'll tell you what i think torpedoed the mood i did a corporate gig a couple days ago and um those are just always hell i I mean, they're just... I mean, I shouldn't say that because it's bread and butter money, really.

You want people to book you for them. Hey, James Donald Forbes McCann, definitely an amiable and competent corporate comedian. If you have a corporate function coming up and would like to pay me a big, big, big lump of money to host a show for you, I'll do it. But seriously, folks, I'm pretty bad at corporate gigs. And I mean, the people seem to be happy.

Afterwards, it was quite late at night. Everyone was very, very drunk. And many of them were standing up and the lights were hot and the microphone was poor. And my jokes were just far too racial for a work do. And, you know, it's just been one of those weeks. We're not sleeping. The baby's teething. The baby's got some new teeth.

The baby's writhing around. The baby can get places. The whole house has to be made safe again for a crawling person. He's just crawling backwards at the moment. He's backing that ass up. But that's good. And then I bought the flights to america i'm i am going to america in late uh july to mid-august i'm going to go pretty i'm gonna go from oh oh it's this like google google won't give you the actual cheapest

deal um i i don't know why but i I managed to look up a whole lot of different ways to do it. So on the way back, I'm going via Fiji. I'll get to be there for all of 45 minutes. That'll be a great time. And then on the way there, I'm flowing, flowing, I'm flowing. Oh, the brain is flowing out of the eyeballs onto the ground. I'm flying Adelaide to Sydney. I'm going to do a gig in Sydney that night. And then the next day I fly Sydney to Auckland, Auckland to Houston. So I'm coming to Houston. I'm going to do some spots around Houston. And then I'm going to go to Austin and hang out in Austin. And then I'm going to go over to LA and hang out in that city, the city that I love so very, very much.

And then back to Fiji and then home. It'll be not a long trip. If I'm very, very frugal, I won't have to spend very much money at all. I'm sad that on this trip I will not get to go up to some of my favorite places in the world, Steubenville, Ohio. For example, I can't be away for long enough to leave my family and I can't go to New York City, the finest city of that name. I love New York City and it means I can't go to Canada this time around. Hopefully, I think we are coming back to America for a few months, January to March next year, so we'll do that then. But for the time being, congratulations if you live in Houston or Austin.

Or LA. Well, I can't really wish you a congratulations if you live in LA. That city is foul. So even though I'll be there and you might get the opportunity to squeeze me by the shoulder and look me in the eye, I think that's absolutely nullified by how terrible LA is. Maybe that's me being unkind. I didn't see very much of LA. I mostly just walked around the poor bits with a suitcase.

And is there any city in the world that if you just walked around the poorest parts of it, carrying a great big suitcase, not sure how to fill up eight hours, could you enjoy that time anywhere? Genuinely? Hmm? I ask you Hmm? Hey! Hey!

I'm asking you! Well! Hey! Could ya? I suspect not And then I got the call, by the way, during the work day I should mention this

For the Volvo That's gonna cost just shy of $1,000 to fix. I never know if these people are screwing me. I asked at the start, how much is it going to cost to fix the Volvo? And he said, let's not talk about the price. Because then I give you a number and it's the wrong number and people get upset. I should have at that point said, right, I'm calling a different guy. But I've never yet found someone who can fix

the Volvo in an affordable way. And I've gone to so many different Volvo fixes. I'm starting to think that the Volvo is just a decidedly difficult car to fix. I've just about spent more money to fix that Volvo than I spent buying the Volvo. Thank goodness that boats don't have that problem. You spend your money on your boat You just get your boat There's no more out of hand And that's it No more expenditures No more fees

That sort of thing Slip, slop, slap You know, I'd like to complain about another thing The screenplay is pretty much All the beats are done The shell of it is done It's just a garbled mess of notes that I've got But it's all in order

And it's going to make a beautiful film And all the part that requires inspiration Is now complete And now it's just a hard, back-breaking work of typing it all out, finding consistencies, formatting it correctly. Oh, it's a boring, boring process. It's the sort of thing, I just feel like one should have an assistant. One can just harangue and hand to and say, turn this into a script now. All my ideas are there. Why should I have to do any more work on it? But of course, it doesn't work like that. And my assistant Margot is busy doing other things.

We're sending all the plates out tomorrow. That's the day. The plates are done. She's got two more to do. We've got all the boxes. So finally, the plates will be arriving at your door. And I had thought that it would be cheaper because so many of our Patreons...

Glorious. Glorious. Glory, glory. Sweet, noble Patreons. So many of them are in America. I just thought, I'll take the plates to America and then send them from America. But in my penny-pinching, I don't have bags on the flights to America. So I will have to send them here.

And I don't know if that'll save me money in the long run. I'm... Maybe I should go on those green supplements. The brain power supplements. The power type supplements that give you more mind. Supplements for the power in the mind. It's the next day and what a great day it is. And indeed...

Mads, do you want to be on the podcast? No. Are you sure? I just said bye. Oh do you want to be on the podcast? Are you sure? Yeah, but we'll see when we get back Okay, sounds good and thanks for the celebration Come and talk about it Come and be on the podcast What?

It's Independence Day, well I'll start again It's Independence Day, the 4th of July. And may I wish a very solemn Independence Day to all of my lovely, lovely American listeners. It's never too late to admit you've... If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered.

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ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessi Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle.

I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a node. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Made a mistake and to come back home.

Oh, the mood has turned right around. I'll tell you the moment the mood turned around was when I picked up my sweet, precious Volvo from the shop, and it cost $1,000 to fix it. There was a fan that had stopped working. I don't rightly know how a fan costs $1,000. Anyway, but I turned the aircon on. It's the first time that the aircon has worked in my Volvo since about six months.

The most brutal summer. And as I was driving today and I had the cold air pushing into my face because it was a nice sort of sunny, wintry day. And I just had the cold air blasted up. Oh, it was a treat. It was a real joy. And then because it is the 4th of July, and Madeline, who I just spoke to before,

who's currently sitting by a bonfire in my front yard. Bonfire, a bit of an excessive term for it. Campfire in a small metal fire holding device. Oh, we had American food. I went off with her husband, Paul, this morning, who's not American, but he loves the country. What a great country. And we bought hot dogs.

So cheap hot dogs, much cheaper than sausages. I'm not sure that they're as good for you. But we boiled up the hot dogs and we put corn on the barbecue. And it was a beautiful chipotle mayo. And I fried up some onions I'm gonna have an Australian element in there somewhere and we sang American songs like battle hymn of the republic the national anthem got sung four or five times and it was so good to be with friends I can't believe I was in such a well I can believe it because it was I can believe that I was

in a terrible mood yesterday a dark foul mood but then after I was recording that a, well, I can believe it because it was, I can believe that I was in a terrible mood yesterday, a dark, foul mood. But then after I was recording that podcast, I went out, I saw my friend Andrew for a beer and all these comedians happened to be there. And then I, because it was outside of the open mic night. So I went up at the open mic and I did five minutes and it wasn't very good. But I'll tell you what was good was the sycophantic responses from some of the comedians who were just starting out, who were coming up to me and saying all sorts of ridiculously positive things about my set. And I thought that's one of the great fruits of being in a small town, being the big fish in the small pond.

of being in a small town, being the big fish in the small pond, even when you suck, people will lie to you and tell you that you're great. And I thought, oh, I could get used to that. I'm sure there's no long-term drawback to that. No, I didn't. I just went around telling them, stop it. It was no good. Anyway, but there are some kernels of ideas there that are very good. And then today, well, I tried to find some American beers for this 4th of July party, as it sort of became. You can't buy American beer for love or money. It used to be you'd get Pabst Blue Ribbon everywhere. Brooklyn Lager.

Can't do it. The Blue Moon, I think, is an American beer. Now it's just the Budweiser's, the Miller's and the Coors, entry-level plebeian beers for the big, fat, working-class American. I bought each of those. I bought a Coors, I bought Budweiser, and I bought Miller. Four times do we put the Miller through a filter so it has exceptional smoothness.

But when I was going around bottle shops and they didn't even have one American beer, I drove with my kids for a good long while today, the negativity that the Australian bottle shop operators were giving me, Oh, not very popular. American beer? Why do you want that? Shouldn't they acquire it? Shouldn't they have our beer? And you go, all right, listen, can't we have a watery, sugary, flavorless beer just for the 4th of July? Not again that I think, well, this was another great conversation I had with Madeline. I would actually...

Madeline? Are you sure you don't want to just say that interesting thing you said before about being the inheritors of victory? Sorry, James. I can't possibly. You couldn't possibly be on the podcast saying that? No,? I'm sorry, James. I can't possibly. You couldn't possibly be on the podcast saying that? No, I'm so sorry, James. I'm just not that. No, no, no, no, no.

Very good. I'll tell them what you said. It was great. So I was saying to Madeline, do you think it was right that the War of Independence was fought? Because I'm listening to this Rest Is History podcast and they're sort of going,

the reasons for the War of Independence don't 100% stack up. The taxation was not that onerous. It just looked like they wanted it. So I said, was it like a just war? And Madeleine said something like, I think the important thing, and the reason it is good, is because we won. Because they picked a point of principle, and they know, and because they picked a point of principle and they fought and they changed the world and they won their freedom and that Americans are fundamentally now the

inheritors of victory. And Australians, we don't think we can do anything. We've never, I mean, what's our big war myth? Not the war of independence, not the civil war. It's that we went to Gallipoli for a foreign power and had our asses handed to us by Turks. What do you reckon that does to the national psyche?

Good night, Madeleine. It was a great point. I'm conveying it with great... You're doing a better job. I think you should be on the book. I think so. All right. My friends are all... We'll see them when we get back. And we drive off tomorrow for Melbourne.

We drive off tomorrow morning for Melbourne. It's 7.30 at night now. And I'm hoping to leave for Melbourne at 5am. We're going to drive all day. And then I'm arriving hopefully early enough to emcee a gig at the Comics Lounge. I don't know how it's going to, I'm just, I feel just bloody optimistic again. Why do I, I don't know, is it because I went out and I did a show? It's probably because I did a show. I love doing stand-up comedy. It's so good for the, I hadn't done

stand-up comedy in weeks when I was recording the start of this podcast. It gets you down. Well, not you. I mean, it might make you very unhappy to do stand-up comedy, but for me, the prospect of doing stand-up comedy, I mean, it just, everything fits, even a bad gig. But just so long as there's some little idea that I can take away from it, I'm happy as a camper. Is that an expression? I'm happy as Larry. I'm a happy little Vegemite. I'm a happy camper. I'm a happy boy. Oh, people were discussing at the 4th of July party what their perfect day would be. And someone said, well, I think my wife said, you know, I'd have coffee with my family in New Zealand. And then I'd go to your house in Adelaide. You know, it was time and space were not material. You could be anywhere in the world. And then I'd go to your house in Adelaide. You know, it was time and space

were not material. You could be anywhere in the world. And so, you know, my friend Paul was saying, I'd be in the Himalayas and I'd be somewhere else. He said, James, what's your happiest day? And I thought, genuinely, if I had an idea that afternoon, if I got up on a comedy stage that night and it went okay, that is just about the perfect day. Yeah, you could add to that other things. Oh, I'm with my loved ones. I'm with friends and family and we have a beautiful, intimate moment together. But honestly, if all of those things happened and I didn't have a comedy idea that I got up and did that night and I had a pretty good time. I'd rather be doing the comedy. It's a sickness. But you've got to know yourself, right? You've got to be aware. Oh, I can't wait to get up again. I've got gigs all this

week. And then, of course, this trip to America where I'm just going to be in Texas for two weeks. I don't have anything planned except to be in Texas, just to put myself in a position where I'm in Texas with the Texans trying to make something happen and it's exciting. I tell you what is a little daunting is this drive tomorrow with three children for eight hours and if we don't get there on time I won't be able to do the gig. Oh, I hope we make it there on time. But I've got some podcasts lined up to do in Melbourne.

I'm excited to do that. I love traveling with my family. I love it. I really love it. Oh, I get so sad and lonely when I'm on the road alone. Really, I think what I would like about having a boat is just this notion that I could have my family in a boat, sail to the next big city, you know, and then do a bunch of gigs and come back to the boat and sail off to the next one. Then I don't have to deal with airports.

Then I get to be with my whole family. I don't have to deal with crappy accommodation. And I get to do stand-up comedy to new people all the time. Oh, we're going to make this boat happen. We're going to make this feature film happen. I love you. I want you. I need you. I miss you. Hold on. We should get Anna Freer out here to quickly plug her show in Melbourne. Anna, do you want to quickly at the end of the podcast plug your Melbourne show? And Margot, do you want to come and talk about

the plates for a moment? They're coming over now. I've just interrupted their conversation. I've been sitting out front in the Volvo while they're all having seemingly an absolutely lovely time. Margot has an update on the plates to come. Very exciting.

They're commemorative plates that people on the Patreon will get at a certain time. And Margot, you've done such a good job with the plates. Thank you so much, James. The plates, I'm actually sad to see them go. I've really become really close. You're going to take photos of all the pictures of the plates? Yes, I'm going to photograph them and then maybe

we can make like tea towels or some kind of other, you know, t-shirts or something with the painted plates on the t-shirts. That would be great. So good, so good. Anna's whispering so good. I just want to say another thing. But honestly, I forget what it is. Thank you for all the work on the plates. I'll transfer you the money that you need for it. That's fine. And something else will come to me later.

And Anna, you've got a show. Tell us the details. I have a show. It's at Tempo Roboto in Brunswick at 8 p.m. on Saturday. But the bar is open from 7 p.m. Well, come on down. Please book your tickets. Beautiful violin down. Please book your tickets. Beautiful violin music.

Please book your tickets in advance because I see all the pre-bookings and I get very stressed. Well, you got 13 tickets sold. I would like many more. 13's better than I had when I was on the road doing comedy for a long time. Yeah, I want to be more successful than you. You're putting on funny voices on my podcast now. All the affability and positivity.

Why? Last time I did a show, I sold 50 tickets in like two weeks out. So no need to rub anyone's nose at it. No, I'm just saying. I'm a big fucking star. I'll have to edit that swear word out. And Margot, I had something to say, but I've absolutely forgotten it. We just have so loved... Margot at some point will go back to America.

But we've so loved having Margot in Australia. I was training the thing today. Oh, the cover for the new book. That you're not happy with. No, it's actually not your best work. But we will work on that in the future. Thank you, ladies both. Yeah, welcome.

Ciao, ciao. Goodbye. And goodbye from me as well, everybody. This has been the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. Can't wait to do that big drive over. Oh, I was going to say that i've started reading uh the fountainhead again i'm reading ayn rand again who yes she's flawed and yes there are issues but boy i'm enjoying that all right love you miss you want you need you god bless you have a good one

i realized that i i said i hadn't done stand-up comedy in a while, but then in the first part of it, I'm talking about how I did a corporate gig recently. I just don't count a corporate gig as stand-up comedy. It's a weird pantomime and it gives you none of the emotions and the dopamine of the stand-up comedy. I just wanted to... Maybe this is redundant, but I will... Better be also not talk down the corporate gigs too much. James Donald Forbes McCann, available for your corporate gigs in the near future if your office is having a halloween

party if you're doing a christmas in july party get on the dog and bone give us a call james donald forbes mccann one of the best corporate comedians working in in Adelaide. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend.

I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts.

is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts.