The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Dublin Doublin'

Episode Date: November 12, 2023

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CBC News. Hello and welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Play on the show where I, James Donald Forbes McCann, enact a series of plans including making this podcast in hopes of earning enough money to buy a boat and at the moment we have just launched the most recent plan which is my book of poems Would that be your first book of poems, James? No!

It's the second book of poems that I've brought out I brought out a book of poems. Would that be your first book of poems, James? No. It's the second book of poems that I've brought out. I brought out a book of poems last year, and I've brought out a new book of poems. This one is called My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide Unpleasant Poems with Limited Appeal and I have some really good news about that book.

I'm just going to tell you right now. It's a number one bestseller. Oh, yeah, baby. That's what I'm one bestseller now the caveat to the good news is it's actually very easy to become a bestseller if the category your book is competing on the charts in is best-selling australian poetry on amazon um so yes after the first three copies sold i I think, we went to number one. Who can say why more people in general aren't buying books of Australian poems? Is it because they're all terrible? They're mostly terrible.

They are mostly very bad, possibly including my book of poems. But you know what? It doesn't matter if they're bad, because maybe they're selling like hotcakes. Yeah, everybody loves to buy hotcakes. Can't keep these hotcakes in stock. They're selling so fast, like a book of my poems. We should change the aphorism. Man, these hotcakes sell faster than a book of my poems.

So the book of poems is selling well compared to other books of poems, but is it selling well compared to the stated goal of trying to raise enough money to buy a boat? Let's have a look at the numbers, shall we? As we begin this week's segment of Making It Rain, I understand that it has the potential to be a boring segment, me just talking about the money that's coming in off the plans. I'm bored thinking about it. I'm not an accountant, but the podcast is about me having enough money to buy a boat, so I feel I should at least keep you abreast of how the finances are kicking along, And I hope that the sound of rain in the background adds a little something. So according to my computer machine, last year in the first month after the publication of my first book of poems,

Marlon Brando, 9-11, beautiful poems that everybody will love, we sold about 38 copies. And that was in the first calendar month of release. And what I'm seeing now for the new book of poems, My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide, we've sold also about 38 copies, and that's just within the first week. You see?

So I think, I mean, the first week is always a bit higher, and then it comes down a little, but we should be on track. If current sales continue, I think we're going to sell maybe double, double the copies of the new book of poems to what we sold last year,

which is a trend I note across all the plans. Year on year, we tend to have 100% growth, 100% more listeners, 100% more people on the YouTube, 100% more people on the mailing list, 100% more people buying the poems, 100% more money on the mailing list. 100% more people buying the poems. 100% more money being brought in from the art auction.

No matter what the endeavor, we're Dublin. Dublin. Dublin. Dublin. Dublin. Dublin. All I can think this week is Dublin. I thought, isn't that strange that on a year-long basis, I mean, give or take a little bit here

and there, but no matter what I try, it's Dublin. Doesn't matter how hard I try, it's Dublin. Doesn't matter if I have a natural affinity for it or not, Dublin. Year on year, it's Dublin. Doesn't matter how hard I try, it's Dublin. Doesn't matter if I have a natural affinity for it or not, Dublin, year on year, Dublin, Dublin, Dublin. And it's occurred to me, maybe that's no accident. Maybe it's no accident that everything

goes up by 100%, that everything's Dublin. Maybe I am being sent a sign that the future of the podcast and the future of my activities must be focused on the Irish city of Dublin. All right, stop that. Stop. Stop.

Thank you. All right, Dublin. The capital of the Republic of Ireland. My ancestral homeland, more or less. Dublin. Is it just a word that sounds like doubling? Or is it a sign? Is it a sign? Perhaps I've been looking in all the wrong places this whole time

and instead I should look to growing a fanbase in Dublin Ireland. Potentially. It's just a theory at this point. I could be wrong. Could just be a coincidence. But I'm wondering if it's not. And if I am being summoned to do something for the people of Dublin. I've got

two Dublin listeners apparently. The stats would indicate that two people in Dublin download the podcast each week. Dear Dublin listeners, please get in touch. I'm on Instagram. You can find me there. You can find my email somewhere. Find me if you can. I've got to find an easy way for people to get in contact with me. Probably Instagram is the best way. And let's see what we can do. I can't go to Dublin in the immediate future. I've got to pack up my family and go to America. But I think I have to do something for Dublin. I don't know what it is. This is not the first time I've attempted to involve myself in a foreign country. There were attempts to break into Canada and I still will do that. And we continue to work on New Zealand as well.

Pretty unsuccessfully. And Zimbabwe was 100% my fault. I really dropped the ball in Zimbabwe and I will make that right in the future. But at the moment, possibly Dublin. Alright, so just some quick... We'll get back to the Book of Poems. We'll just sum up the Book of Poems

and how that's doing. I've made some notes here. Okay, so yes, last time we made about $300 in the first month for the book of poems, the opening month. This time, I think it's on track to reach $600. Thank you to everybody who's bought the book of poems. Also, thank you to everybody who's joined up to the Patreon, where you can get the audio book if you'd like to hear me reading all of the poems that's over there on the Patreon. But $600 opening month. Question, if every book I come out with doubles the amount of money it makes, how long until that's enough to buy a boat? I've done the maths for you. It'll be my 11th book. So the question then becomes, do I have to wait and have one book every year? Or can I speed that up?

Could I do a book every month and then by the end of the year I have a boat? Is that possible? I tell you what's not possible, me writing a book every month. I don't have that in me. I'm not Enid Blyton. I don't have time to crank it out at that sort of rate. But I definitely could have more than one book a year. I mean, I've already got the next book.

I've got a book of essays ready to go. So that might come out in June, July next year. And then another book of poems later in the year. And then we're just hitting bang, bang, two books of poems every year. In about five years, there'll be enough money from the books alone to have a boat. Of course, by then there'll be all sorts of other inventive plans. Like this new brewery that I'm planning on setting up in Dublin, Ireland, where everyone will have beautiful, delicious stouts,

and I'm going to go into battle with Guinness. And I'll start saying weird, nasty stuff about Guinness, like, oh yeah, I guess that's a pretty good beer if you don't mind, uh, poison. Of course, I could never do that, because that would go against one of the rules that I've set myself. Also, I love Guinness, and I would never speak badly on on Guinness and I don't want to compete with Guinness. I'd love to have Guinness as a sponsor, actually. I've been coming up with rules. Well, look at it a certain way. We already have rules. The podcast and the goal of Bone Ownership operates on a series of rules at the moment, but I haven't formalized them. So for the

hard launch next year, when all the current episodes go dark and it's just a fresh new looking sounding podcast to attract as many people as possible so if we can increase the rate from Dublin to Triplin to Quadruplin to Quintuplin to Sextuplin and then I think we call it Sextuplin because that's the hottest multiplier of all. So at the moment I'm working on a new episode zero for the podcast,

an episode where people who tune in for the first time, hopefully when I go new episode zero for the podcast, an episode where people who tune in for the first time, hopefully when I go to America, there's this big new group of people who have never heard of me before, and I want to make a good impression. So episode zero will just be sort of summing up what the podcast is, rather than people listening to it and going, is this just a man complaining about his sinus problems and coughing off mic and talking to nobody and randomly spitting out numbers and making up fantastical economic projections i mean it's all of those things but we're going to start hiding that from the general public so here we go i'll tell you some of the rules so the rules i

have are no parasitism that's number one i'm not going to have rent seeking i'm not going to have landlord style behavior i think work it must be work, it must be labor, it must be something that is done. I'm not saying that I can't be involved in a project and supply capital, but I think the rent-seeking is different from an investment. I avoid scandal where possible. There's no defrauding of people. And also that I want every enterprise to be upright and just. And the Catholic way of phrasing that, I guess, is that I will not partake of any project that I could not earnestly pray for. So things then have to be banned. So abhorrent advertising, we've banned that.

Things like an OnlyFans would be very easy for me to set up an only fans and show people my beautiful body i think then we'd we'd more than sextuple the income man imagine that imagine people paying for my sweet flesh um i'm playing the stock market i'm not playing i don't i'm not going to take the money that i earn and put it into speculative um stock marketing arrangements even though that might be a really easy way to go and get a bus. So those are currently the only rules that I have in place. I would like to find a way of making that sound more exciting and more like, you know,

I don't want you people tune into the first episode of this boat buying podcast. And it's just me dour saying, here are all the things I'm not going to do. So I have to try and find some way of letting people know what the podcast is and turning that into a vibrant, Here are all the things I'm not going to do. So I have to try and find some way of letting people know what the podcast is and turning that into a vibrant, exciting 30-minute episode. And I don't have a clue.

It's very hard, I'm finding, to build the mask, to build the facade by which I'm hiding because it's fundamentally a dishonest enterprise. It's a creative act. It's a thing that's made. It's art. It's artificial. That which is art is artifice.

And that's something that I bucky. I mean, people want, oh, I want art that's real and true. Ah, sort of. You want art that feels real and true to you. And that can be very artificial in the making. I mean, just me talking now, this is the comparatively unartificial version of me summing up those things and it's much less compelling it's just i i can tell i could do it with lots of whiz bangs and excitements so that's what i'm

working on at the moment i'm working i'm thinking about how to how to relaunch broad how to catch that big audience and i want to by the way i want to thank you i, how to catch that big audience. And I want to, by the way, I want to thank you. I just want to take this moment to thank all my day one fam. Indeed, my day negative one fam, as I'm having a day one in the future. You're here with me in the womb of the pre-podcast.

The pre-cast. Watch out, they can still get you pregnant. This is the pre-podcast. That's how I now envision it. These first 101 episodes. And we're about to emerge out into the world as a dynamic fighting machine to cut through maybe i'm wrong you know maybe i shouldn't do this maybe i should just keep going the way that i'm going but i'm really i'm trying to put thought into it here's a problem i have i look on my instagram and my instagram audience is 75% men. And most people who use Instagram,

I believe, are women. It's not like YouTube. Most people on YouTube are men. That's something that I've heard said. And indeed, on my YouTube, it's like 90%, 95% men. But on Instagram, it's like 75% men. And on Facebook, it's still mostly men. And if you're going to take money from people, I think you want to take money as best as you can from women. Because women, even though they don't statistically earn as much, within the household, often they do dictate spending. So for a stand-up comedy show,

most stand-up comedy tickets are purchased by women because the woman will say, hey, do you want to go and see a comedy show? And stand-up comedy tickets are purchased by women. Because the woman will say, hey, do you want to go and see a comedy show? And the man will go, yeah, all right. And the woman will go, we're going to this guy. Or this woman. But usually the women want to go and see a man. Because women are very sexist.

So how do I get more women on board? And I don't think this sort of ex, what's off the top of the head? Ex top of the head, contemporaneous? Ex-temporaneously? Look at that. Me, extemporaneously not getting that word in real time. Is it extemporaneously? It doesn't matter.

I don't care. Off the top of the head. Women like something a little more professional, a little more put together. Men, and this is being in very general terms, men don't mind you having a little bit of slapdash. You know, oh, look at him struggle. Look at him try something. Look at him doing something new. You know, indie rock.

Women are more hair metal than they are shoegaze. And I know I'm speaking in some broad, broad brushstrokes here. I'm painting the broads with a very broad brushstroke. But nevertheless, something about what I'm doing is currently more exciting to men than women. I obviously want to keep the men on board, but get those women too. Now, there are a couple of things that I could do to pick up a, that I know I could do to pick up a female audience quite easily. And one of them would just be to talk about my family more. I could, because I have a family. I'm a husband and father, a son, and a sister. And we're all someone's daughter,

we're all someone's son. And I don't talk about my family on the podcast where I can, in part because my wife doesn't like to come on the show, she's a very shy woman. But also I just, I don't want to talk, my children are private.

So while I labor under the need of taking care of my children, and they're taking like a lot of time and money and difficulty in making the podcast i i don't then want to make the podcast about them my children are my own you don't have any right to them nobody does not even me so that's one option another option would be to make the show about true crime ladies love true crime i don't know what ladies why you love true crime hey why is that ladies oh you know why do you love true crime? Hey, why is that, ladies? Ooh.

You know what's just occurred to me? Oh, it's just occurred to me now. Well, this Dublin thing. And then this preoccupation I'm having with the ladies. Well, let's just, as a sandbox. Hold on, hold on. Stop that. Stop the waves.

I have to think. Okay, I'm going to try and get a big Dublin woman audience. That's how I'm going to, if money is going to be spent advertising, if content is going to be targeted at people, I'm going to start trying to get women in Dublin to be my fans. Men of Dublin, and perhaps the listeners we already have there in Dublin are men. I don't know. Happy to have you as fans as well. But really, I listeners we already have there in Dublin are men. I don't know. Happy to have you as fans as well.

But really, I'm going to target women in Dublin. Attention, women in Dublin. I'm going to target Dublin lasses. I don't know how that pluralizes. Dublin lasses. I believe that's both a dog and an Indian beverage. The lasses, lasses, Lassacies of Dublin. How am I going to target Dublin women? Maybe I could do a, there's a spitball in here, maybe I could do a true crime episode about Dublin. Hmm, doesn't have anything to do with

trying to buy a boat, but it, maybe I could, a boat, but maybe if there was ever a crime that involved the ocean in Dublin. I don't know why ladies love true crime. I don't know. I mean, but they do. I was having a big conversation with a woman friend of mine recently. She said, do women really like true crime? And there are a bunch of men around the table who are like, yeah. And she said, I mean, but do any of you listen to true crime?

And we said, no, we never listen to true crime. It doesn't do anything for us. But ladies love true crime. All right. I'm going to see if there's been a some sort of maritime crime.

I love it. James Donald Forbes, we can maritime crime time. Old Lang Syne. We'll figure something out. I think that's Scottish. Yes. I'm going to find a maritime crime crime so it ties in with the water thing ties in with the boat thing there's no point in going getting all these irish women and having them come aboard and being a part of

the podcast and paying me and for the patreon listening to the ads and growing it all and then going oh and it's about a boat now it's not about true crime we've got to have something we can we can get them and they can be interested and they can become invested as well. Maritime crime, Dublin. So possibly a murder on the docks. I see it now. It's all so simple.

I'll look up the most fascinating maritime murder mystery in all of Dublin's history. I'm sure lots of people have been killed in Dublin over the years. And I'll do an episode on that for the James Donald

Forbes Catamaran plan. And then I'll the years. And I'll do an episode on that for the James Donald Forbes Catamaran plan. And then I'll take that episode and I'll market that episode very heavily in Dublin. So not only is it about them, but they're getting access to it. And then, potentially, the floodgates will open and we'll have huge numbers of Dublin ladies. I don't know that I am having a... It feels a little manic. I'll tell you right now. I'll take you behind the mask for a second. I having a... It feels a little manic. I'll tell you right now. I'll take you behind the mask for a second.

I'm not... This is a hard time. We're packing... I bought a storage container. We're taking all our things into storage. I've got to get rid of a bunch of books, which I'm finding very emotional. We don't know how long we're going to be in America for. It's going to be at least three months.

If we really hate it, I've committed to working there for three months, and we've got to get that done. If we like it, I'm allowed to work there for three years. So it just feels very elastic at the moment. And I don't know how much of a goodbye to say to Adelaide and my friends here. It's very emotional. And then again, just packing up the house and getting rid of the stuff, figuring out what we can sell. I'm trying to get my sweet volvo ready for sale and it's just it sucks it really sucks i've got all these books that i have to get rid of um and i don't know how to make money off the books i had this idea but i don't know if i have the courage to commit to it my thought was i would publicize that i was going to burn my books that i would say i've got whatever

it is a thousand books and i will be burning them. I'll be doing a controlled fire safe fire of my many degenerate authored books and non-degenerate authors, but it's just I would threaten, right? I would say the fire will be on 10 p.m. Saturday night, and you can come, however, and ransom a book. You can pay a ransom fee for a book of like five, ten dollars, and you get to take one of the books, and then hopefully, the imminent threat of destroying the books would be enough. Because obviously, burning a book is a very ugly thing, and people don't like that, that people would come and rescue the books. And in the process, not only would they get a lot of books, I'd get some money, and I'd

be able to use that money. In this case, man, the visa's is so expensive everything costs so much money this is not a we've got to pay a lawyer a whole big chunk of change i would say this is a very financially stressful time for the family um i'm gonna be eating a lot of lentils i i've started i mean i giving up drinking would be even cheaper. But I've turned to box wine. I'm drinking wine out of a box at the moment, just like I used to do in the old days. And loving it.

Honestly, after glass number six, you don't notice that it's really poor stuff. Oh, mama, mamma mia, mamma mia, mamma mia, mamma mia, mamma mia, mamma mia. Excuse me, I have to go and have a panic attack. I love you, I miss you, I want you, I need you, catamaran. This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessi Cruikshank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend. I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier.

So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com.