The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Episode 0: The Conception

Episode Date: December 12, 2021

Before the birth, first must come the conception. Listen to this important historical record in which the words ‘James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan’ are uttered in sequence for the first time in human history. Featuring JDFM, Jake Smith and Peter James.Contribute to the boat by joining the Patreon at www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.com. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! Hello, I'm James Donald Forbes McCann, and welcome to episode zero of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan.

It's the episode where I didn't know there would be a James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan when we started recording. We had been recording a previous podcast, we of course being myself, Peter James and Jake Smith. I was in Brisbane a couple of weeks ago for this. And we'd recorded their podcast, Smut Club 1990. And I said, just leave those mics on. Let's keep going. Let's see what happens, you know.

Let's riff. And what happened next was a little bit magical, a little bit chaotic, a little bit all over the shop, but the end result was something truly sensational, the genesis of the JDF MCP. It was a little like, I don't know if you're watching the Get Back documentary of the Beatles, where Paul's just sort of strumming away. And then, oh, George is yawning and John hasn't even shown up.

And this goes on for a minute, you know. And then all of a sudden you go, my goodness, he's playing Get Back. This is the chaos that led to a man having Get Back, which is very exciting, of course. And I think really that's what this episode is for the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. It's the chaos and the playfulness that leads to the inception of the idea. and the playfulness that leads to the inception of the idea. And if you enjoy listening to this so much that you say to yourself, gee, I'd like to give some money towards the catamaran that these boys seem to have a glint of in their eye, you can.

We've got the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan Patreon. You can sign up to that. So without any further ado, please enjoy episode zero. Welcome to the James Donald Forbes McCann podcast, the first episode of that podcast. I'm joined by Jake Smith. Hello. And Peter James. Hello.

And this is the first one of these podcasts. Thank you. If you've been listening to the Smut Club podcast, then you might have been directed over here and i just thought the machines are all here we've got all the microphones and why not begin the podcast now so we can start monetizing that sweet audio stream today on the show i have how many i have nine seven i have seven ideas for movies and i'd uh i'd like to talk them out with these two lovely boys and see what we think of them. Fantastic. There's no order.

There's no rhyme or reason I've decided to the James Donald Forbes McCann podcast. It's just, you know. I don't think there's a rhyme or reason to the James Donald Forbes McCann life. No, how dare you? Everything's very ordered and very structured. Fucking absolute chaos you are.

I don't believe in having order, I think. Let's slip her in, for example. This poor dog's let Slipper in, for example. This poor dog's been locked out for the whole other podcast. I don't mind a doggy running around here. Hello, Slipper. You're a good girl. You're a good girl. We should take that muzzle off and untie her legs. There you are.

Now, Slipper's here. Let's just take a moment before we begin. It's the James Donald Forbes McCann Dancers. I'll put in a little song. Okay. And then it will come back. Wow. Wonderful. Great stuff, ladies. Beautiful gear. Are we recording the video for this? I haven't. No, we can. Oh, well, no, don't worry about it now. Ladies, we'll get you next time on the show. Here are my ideas for movies.

Number one, a man enters his pug in a race at the dog track where it competes against greyhounds. The pug is actually very fast, though. And we follow the pug's career. Hilarity ensues and we learn that diversity makes us stronger. Can I make a suggestion? Yes. I think, is it supposed to be humorous that he's a pug? Well, I haven't decided which direction we're going.

Because I think it would be very funny if he's in the horse races. Oh. What if he's in the trot? I'd love if the pug wins the Melbourne Cup. That would be very funny. Pug wins Melbourne Cup. One. Cup. I'll be very funny. Pug wins Melbourne Cup. One. Cup.

I'll write that down. When he trips over, his legs don't break because they're so short. Oh, that's quite good. But then he does a sneeze. That's how he wins. He does a sneeze and his eyeballs explode out of his head. But I just always say, like, do you have to have, is there a breed of dog in greyhound racing

or is that just the best one they've figured out so far? What do you mean? Is there a breed of dog in greyhound racing? You is that just the best one they've figured out so far? What do you mean? Is there a breed of dog in Greyhound Racing? You just fucking... No, but is it actually Greyhound Racing? Or is it like dog racing? And they go... Is it exclusively Greyhound game?

Right. Okay. If you came along with a Greyhound slash, I don't know, Doberman combo, and it was just real good at the 400 metres. Is Doberman a dog? Yeah, Doberman's a dog. Are we allowed to Google? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's encouraged. On the James Donald Forrest McCann podcast. Hey, Jamie, pull that up. All right. Are there other dogs? The greyhound is the most streamlined physical dog I could think of. I can't think of another dog that's that skinny, that long.

No, I mean, I think they're built for it. Yeah, they're perfect. Could you build them even more for it? You know? You could put a jetpack on one, I'm sure. It's hard to breed for a jetpack. Yeah, you just make a greyhound fuck a jetpack. Then you've got a jetpack dog.

I think we're on to a winner. Dog racing. No. Is there any rule it doesn't have to be a greyhound? No, I think you can race German shepherds. Right, so if you were like, I'm just feeling the pug today. Yeah, I don't think there's interbreed racing. Oh, it has to be pure.

It has to be pure one breed. No, I think it's only really... Look, there's probably dog racing in some backwards failed states somewhere in the world. They do canton racing in Cairns. Do they really? Yeah, in the far north there are in the world. They do canton racing in Cairns. Do they really? Yeah, in the far north there are certain pubs that'll do canton racing. But I think with dog racing, if you're in a place where there's not enough structure

to have just the one kind of dog racing, then you probably are doing dog fighting. Yeah. Because you need that sort of level of excitement. Number two, a gifted English teacher at a school for underprivileged children sparks their love for literature. He does his job too well. The students become highbrow and they all become deeply unhappy nihilists. Nihilists.

Nihilists. Nihilists. Nihilists. You know, like they're wearing turtlenecks Committing suicide Thoughts? It's very Robin What's the movie where they say, oh, Captain, my Captain? Master and Commander

Dead Poets Society Dead Poets Society Oh, of course Well, actually, that's true Oh, shit Because the boy kills himself, doesn't he? Because he's not allowed to act Spoiler alert I've never seen that Sorry I've never seen that film That's true. Oh, shit. Oh, because the boy kills himself, doesn't he? Because he's not allowed to act.

Spoiler alert. Hmm? Sorry. I've never seen that film. That's got Robin Williams in it? You don't have to enunciate that much when you say film. Film. Film.

Don't like that. Yes, and the boys try and get girls to come to the school. No, film. Shut the fuck up, dude. Shut the fuck up. No. Let's abandon this. How long has this podcast been going for? It's been going for five minutes.

Well, that's episode one of the James Donald Forbes podcast been going for? It's been going for five minutes. Well, that's episode one of the James Donald Forbes. I think keep them right. Keep them tight. You don't think so? What is in your head? How does one start? You know, how do you have an idea

that you feel strongly enough about to say we're doing this week after week after? I mean, that just seems exhaustive. I know you found some pornos and you're doing your chat about that but like oh to commit to one thing other than a family and a marriage and a god it just seems like so hard well is this so were you gonna just pitch film ideas i know that was just what was open on my laptop and i thought maybe that's the podcast. No, why isn't your podcast? How about this? An idea for your podcast.

Your podcast is, I don't know what my fucking podcast is about. It's so meta. It's so meta. I want bricklayers to be listening to the show. After a long day of making Scotty Cam happy on the block, they come home and they go, let's listen to James Donald Forbes McCann. Do you think you have any blue collar appeal? You're the strangest.

I mean, he quite literally does today. He's got a blue collar on. Yeah, you need to really lean in to these people like you. Well, who has, I mean, for one to not have blue collar appeal is for one to be a degenerate. What you just said. To have a highbrow, hoity-toity ridiculousness.

I think really the people, as much as I mock that, and I did a little sketch about it, I really think you have to connect with the broad, teeming, pulsating, unwashed masses. But that is also how I see them. So I can see that they wouldn't like that Right But maybe they know themselves

Maybe that's what the Maybe the podcast is called The People James Donnell falls for cannons You I could be versus The People I could do a legal podcast I could wear a little hat What are they?

The wigs? What do you mean a little hat? Oh you know At law we wear the little hats I think you're confusing A courtroom with a synagogue Fuck Fuck I just hate everything And more we wear the little hats? I think you're confusing a courtroom with a synagogue. Fuck.

Fuck, I just hate everything. I just hate everything. I'm just in a fucking pit of despair permanently. I don't know how to do it. I had a pit of despair. Fuck, I put my cover on. Fucking bullshit. Fuck, I've been away for too long.

This is fucking ridiculous. Well, we'll pop this on YouTube. We'll see how it goes. 1 The James Donald Forbes McCann What do you think? You gotta You think I need Maybe I need someone to drive the show Yes

Like before when we did your podcast I was all That was fine You need a straight man You thought Sly Jake shouldn't be on it Yeah Yeah I think you need a

You need a Who's got a What's a show that has like a... Who's got a... What's a show that has a very... There's a clear... Me and Car Crash. Yeah. Yeah, but it's like that people would know.

You fucking arsehole. You fucking arsehole. I need an Andy Lee. Can we get Andy Lee? Andy Lee won't... Are you asking me as your manager? Yeah, do you know Andy Lee? Not personally.

He knows a guy named Andy Lee. Julian Barrett? Do you know Julian Barrett? From the Body Boosh? Yeah, do you know Andy Lee? Not personally. He knows a guy named Andy Lee. Julian Barrett? Do you know Julian Barrett? From the Mighty Boosh? Yeah, I think he'd be pretty good. I'll see if one half of the Mighty Boosh is available. What about Burt Newton? He was always very good when he was on the plane.

Oh, we have some. He's just signed a contract for the rest of his days. He's just signed a contract for a brand new set of angel wings. What about his son? Do you reckon his son could come and do it? Very controversial. I like that when

Burt Newton died all these people wrote tweets. End sentence. I was very sad when he died. People went I send out my condolences

to Paddy and his family because people can't quite bring themselves to name the son. Why? Because they think they don't know the name?

Or because they don't want to... It's some DV unpleasantness. He is, from what I can tell, a very mixed up individual. His career's kept going though. He's moved to America and he's still making movies. Isn't that something? Isn't it weird how you can hit a woman and still have a career in show business?

Like certain people in the Australian comedy scene. Isn't that fucking fascinating? You can do a naughty joke on a podcast and feel like your career's going to end, but gee, open up those fists on a lady's face and yeah, we'll still book you. Isn't that funny? Not you, obviously, but someone. Is this too...

This has been the James Donald Forbes Podcast episode number one. No, stop him. Do stop him. Think. No, no, think. You've got to figure out what this is going to be. You've got to... Take time. is going to be You've got to Take time James Donnell This doesn't have to go public

But you can listen back to this And go oh that was a moment This could be on the Patreon Libel The podcast No I didn't say anyone's night If anyone could identify Themselves from that

Then Do you ever remember Reading about that The small It was called like The small penis claws Or something like that Or some kind of thing

No no no That'd be a terrible Christmas Do you know what I'm saying It's like where there was Two people That's very good It was called like the small penis claws or something like that. Or some kind of thing. No, no, no. That'd be a terrible Christmas. It's like where there was two... That's very good. That's very good. I appreciate it. High fives for that one?

Nice. Okay, so the small penis... Yeah, boom. It was something like the small penis defense or something like that. I use it many times. Where they'd write a character and they'd say, right, this character's called, you know, Mames Jacan. Yeah. And they'd have,

he'd say, he's a heavy set, redhead, bespectacled, you know, and describe you to a T. Yeah. And they'd say,

and he'd have a very small penis. And then people would be like, it's not me. Well, that's not me. I have to look it up. I remember reading about this. Small penis claws. It's something like,

I have another suggestion. I think quite possibly, you already have, look it up. I remember reading about this. Small penis claws. It's something like... I have another suggestion. I think quite possibly you already have... A small penis. I'm doing absolutely fine in that. No, no, no. Believe me, there's no problem. Believe me. Okay.

That's what Trump would always say. Doing the hand. Outward facing hand. Does that not come across on the podcast? Please go on. Please, I don't want to The I think quite possibly

You have an idea already That is very good That could translate To a podcast That involves a straight man Yeah That is very much In the world of what

I think you're good at Devil's advocate Devil's advocate The podcast I'll say why not In a second The small penis rule The small penis rule

Is an informal strategy Used by authors To evade libel lawsuits. It was described in a New York Times article by Denisha Smith in 1998. For a fictional portrait to be actionable, it must be so accurate that a reader of the book would have no problem linking the two, said Mr. Friedman. Thus, he continued, libel lawyers have what is known as the small penis rule. One way authors can protect themselves from libel suits is to say that a character has a small penis,

Mr. Freeman said. Hold on, wait. Now, no male is going to come forward and say, that character with a very small penis, that's me. The podcast is James Donald Forbes again, the small penis rule.

I know what the podcast is now. Keep that up. Keep that up, please. I think I can do it. Please say why you wouldn't do Devil's Advocate as a podcast as well. Because I think irony is a prison. And I think the good thing about your show

and the way in which it is both easier and superior to the way I was doing, the Shed and Pizza. Is you're taking things that are actually problems for people and then you can genuinely solve no like you have fun but the point of it is you come to me with something that's hard for you and we'll make your life better and that's a very wholesome cycle right like the premise of the show is basically we can help people and the

devil's advocate thing premise and i always feel like alone and weird afterwards it's like give me a genuinely bad thing and i will warp truth until that which is you know bad things are good and good things are bad yeah to paraphrase a local comedian and which is like no bad things are bad good things bad things bad good things only paraphrase who was that again I think it was somebody somebody said that's all I do

impression of very small penis but I think I want to do something that is ennobling in some way and not ironical

but wouldn't because you know there's like that thing in stand up and I think you do this a lot where you have like a you have like an outlandish position on something and justify it. Yes. Isn't it just sort of in that same vein?

If that's a real, like when I go, condoms should be illegal, it sounds outlandish and crazy, but I really genuinely, you give me executive power, condoms are going away. That's where I'm at. And I can explain, that's where I'm at and I can explain that's sort of nice because it's taking people

to where you are but to take people to some weird strange location it's all just castles in the air and fucking academics the Venn diagram for like our beliefs

just over there's a very small overlapped right arm condoms need to go away yeah that's yeah that's literally my entry point

that's how I stealthily winky winky that's how you get the hand shape between the left and the right. There you go. I think we can all agree on that. That's what the message we should send out to our kids. Rapists and papists. Condoms are no good.

There's the title. There we go. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, and, you know, scoundrels and whores, to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Presented Podcast, Stuff You Should Not Know, where we go down Wikipedia wormholes that we've found and we excavate the excellence within. Today on the show, the wonderful Jake Smith is with us. Hello. Thank you for having me.

Also in the room, Peter James. Hello. Thank you for having me. Also in the room, Peter James. Hello. Now, we were having a conversation just now about something I had never heard before. Jake, it's called, what is it? It's called the... Small penis rule. The small penis rule or the small penis clause. That would be a bad Christmas.

Ha ha ha. Like we said on that other time we tried to record this. We're replicating a bit from before because the previous part of this podcast has just been chit-chatting and having a good time. But then I said, and I was saying, what could the podcast be? And now I know what the podcast is.

The podcast is Wikipedia wormholes, stuff you should not know, stuff that you've gone and you've... Is this... Do Go On is basically that though, isn't it? This is a very done idea. Well, fuck it then. Fuck it.

It's all fucking bullshit. Fuck it. Fuck it. It's over. Fuck. Everything reasonable has been done. Everything undone is disfigured and haunting and grotesque. Fuck.

Anyway, this is the show. This chat that we're having now. Is all of what's just happened? Yeah. And you say you don't want to be meta. I don't believe in meta. This is real. This is a raw human big dick feeling.

I'm including the podcast we did earlier as part of my podcast. It's a podcast that goes for a long time. Are we having a good time or is this a hostage situation? No, no, no, this is great, but I do... a hostage situation No no no This is great But I do We must be cracking on This is what's weird This is what's weird about this

Whatever this is Feels like it's in the realm Of what it should be Yes There's a mania To all of this Yeah And by all of this

I mean You as a person You are a fucking nightmare To be around That needs to be replicated If you would have a podcast This is what you're having. That's what I'm...

Fine, but it does need some anchor. Finding your feet. James Donald Falls for Cane finds himself. I know, but I found myself. Okay, well, find your fucking podcast. Yeah, finding a podcast. Finding Forrester. Subaru Forrester.

Forrest Gump. Forrest Whitaker. Through the eye. Forrest for the trees. Do you want... Okay, this is a good... Maybe... Because there's like... I think there are the two schools of podcasts,

like comedy-wise. I think it's like, there's a goal we're trying to achieve or there's just an ongoing sort of community we're trying to create. What do you want to have? Goal or like just an ongoing thing? I want a catamaran.

I want enough money to buy a catamaran. All I think about every day is my catamaran. I want to move my family onto a catamaran. And this is the mechanism for doing it. That's the podcast. And the podcast is called You Are My Catamaran. You can join the

Patreon, listen to the secret episodes, buy the merchandise, everything goes towards the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran. That's it! The James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. Yes! Yes! Oh my god. Hold on, hold on. That's it. The James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. Yes.

Yes. Congratulations. Oh, my God. Okay, all right. The James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. Now, hold on. Sit down, boys. Sit down. All right, all right.

Everything beforehand is the first Patreon episode for the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. No, no. This is the end. This is the ending. No, this is episode one. No, no, no. You've just found it. You've found it. That's the ending. Shut up this is episode one. No, no, no.

You've just found it. That's the ending. Shut up. You think that's the show? No, this is so raw. This was the first episode. But I'm ready to start going now. Yeah, we'll go to episode two. All right, that's the end of episode one, everybody.

Tune in to the next episode of the James Donald Ford Cam Cameraman Plan. Yeah, so now you've got it. So what is it? So it's your plan. It's a podcast that we try and make successful enough. And everything, the money from it, all of it goes into... Catamaran.

Most unhinged shit ever. All I do is think about the catamaran. Well, people will hear more about that on episode two. Yeah, which will probably be recorded. Immediately. No. You'll notice that these first two are coming out at the same time. Stop that.

Let's start the next one. Stop it.