The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Episode 7: The art auction is nigh

Episode Date: February 6, 2022

I'm doing a brand new show at the Adelaide Fringe! Please come: https://adelaidefringe.com.au/fringetix/james-donald-forbes-mccann-aesthetic-af2022?fbclid=IwAR2oBtAKwY8W1ANb0OskIqe-Am7uhLHrYEr7GWpf--7xK7Dr8vVHZZDZJq8This episode did not get recorded in one take, and now we are well behind on Australian Survivor.An enormous thanks to Peter Goers, our sponsors, the Howling Owl, and you.Register for the art auction while you still can! We sold out during the week but more spots have been added: https://www.trybooking.com/events/landing/861719Join the Patreon! We only need #justonemore (perpetually): https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccannGood golly gosh, I'm enjoying this art auction, but I'm going to love it when this podcast is about a boat again. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered.

Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push.

Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. I'm going to be real with you, everybody. I'm going to keep it real. I have an incentive to do this podcast in one take because the sooner I finish it, the sooner I get to go downstairs and watch Australian Survivor Blood vs. Water with my wife. That's what we do. That's what makes us happy.

Boy, oh boy, do I love. I love Australian Survivor. I'm not even upset that they won't put me in the show. I love Australian Survivor. I'm here to make big moves. I'm not here to sit on someone else's alliance. I'm here to make big moves. I'm here to make a name for myself. Mate, it's the second day. Keep that head down, fool. Oh, I would love to go on survivor one day that would be a real kick for me but um for now i just love watching australian survivor it's not the same watching the american survivor

you know because they're so it's full of smart people who have watched a lot of survivor that for me is not the fun the fun for me is watching Australian Survivor where they've got a rugby player's wife going I don't bloody know how to play Survivor I found a clue that'd be good you want to look for a totem at tribal council where's that is that where I am now oh I love Australian Survivor I love it I want us to work together to the end. I want this to be an alliance that goes the whole way. You've been in the Outback for six hours. Idle chatter. Oh, but you know what's not idle chatter is the advertisement that you might have heard at the start of this podcast. That's the first important thing that I want to talk to on the podcast.

That's the first important thing that I want to talk to on the podcast. Topic number one. Actually, first of all, I declare the meeting open. Still using a sound effect. I did buy a gavel today, but it's in the car, and I don't want to go downstairs and wake anybody. Okay. Item number one.

The advertisement. Now, depending on where you live, you may have heard, before I started talking about Australian Survivor, you may have heard an advertisement on this podcast with real money coming through for the boat. gets uploaded through Acast and then automatically it looks at the demographics of the people listening to it and it assigns certain ads and then you get paid for the ads. It's something like $25 per thousand listens and people have told me that when they're listening to the podcast they can hear an ad at the start of it. Now, it might just be for people in certain zones. So maybe if you're one of our listeners in Kowloon, Hong Kong, you're not getting the ad. But if you're in Adelaide, Australia, certainly I tried listening to it and I got the ad.

What a joy. What a joy. Now, the ad is for erectile dysfunction. So that's, well, that speaks to who the audience of a boat podcast are. Men, first of all, and men of a certain age. I don't know how many TikTok BTS stans looking at having their families on boats, but men of a certain age are listening to this podcast and men of a certain age need help with their genital. So I thank the good people at the Genital Assistance Company or whatever it is, whichever company that makes the penises powerful. I thank you for advertising with the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plant. I don't know if this is an automated thing like on youtube i don't know if they've gone hey boat podcast they'll feel weird about their um penises so i don't know i don't know but i thank you and i would go out and buy your uh uh member hardening pill i suspect it's

just that i don't need it i would would. I'm sure it's a great pill, but I'm solid as a rock. Let me tell you, solid as a rock with the sheer excitement of having an advertiser on the program. Oh, I dream of having my libido leave. I'm like Socrates, as Plato writes in the Republic, that an erection is like being shackled to a madman. I don't want a pill to give me more of them. Just about I'd have a pill to make them go away. But I thank you, penis pill company, for your support, not only of the marital aid type chemical that you distribute through the blood flow of so many poor circulatory gentlemen, but also for the money that comes through to the podcast. I haven't received the money yet.

I looked up on the internet how many listeners I have and how much money you get roughly per listen per ad, and I'm happy to say i think for the listeners we have this podcast may have raised as many as four dollars through advertising now four dollars you know pretty soon that's five dollars fifty five hundred five hundred thousand a boat i want to thank you for listening if you weren't listening they wouldn't be advertising for broken penises on this show it's only because this show is so successful that statistically some of you have bad dicks that anyone wants to sell pills to remedy that fact on this show I want to say thank you for listening if you know someone with a bad penis send them the way of that company so exciting so exciting i'm thrilled personally i'm thrilled i hope one

day our demographic expands and we maybe get ads for you know we get a couple ladies listening to the podcast we get a couple people with uh healthy blood flow to the privates listening in. But for now, to my legions of impotent followers, I want to say thank you for listening. Thank you for telling your friends. And thank you to whatever the name is of that company for the thing that they do. That's topic number one.

Item number two on the podcast, things are going really well for the art auction. February 10, I bought a jacket. That's what I do before any big show. I buy a piece of clothing for that show. Not an expensive piece of clothing ever, always from an up shop or a thrift shop. This one's from a wonderful vintage store. The Fancy Man's Thrift Shop. Nothing too thrifty about it. I went to that store, Pound Puppy Vintage, and I got a beautiful New Zealand-made tan jacket that I'll be wearing. We're setting up this week. Finishing setting up, we've had people come through to look at some of the art. There are still some places to register. The Premier opened up how many people were allowed to come. So it used to be 40, now it's up to 80. So if you'd like to register in the link to this

down the bottom, what's that called? Description box. Go for it. There'll be a link, click on it, register. If you're in Adelaide, Feb 10, doors will open 7. Well, we'll be a link click on it register if you're in Adelaide Feb 10 doors will open 7 uh well we'll be there from 6 so show up early if you want but doors you know we'll have a cellist there from 7 and the string quartet has gone by the wayside too expensive one cellist frankly fancy enough how many notes do you people need for free? Oh, my dear fellow, there are, in fact, only so many notes the ear can hear in the course of an evening. Nah, you'll get... There's going to be a lot. There's going to be a lot of notes for free. A lot of notes. Registration is free. We take the COVID regulation extraordinarily seriously.

In fact, you can't stand up while drinking alcohol. So what I'm going to do for the auction, I'm going to go out and buy inexpensive office chairs with wheels on them from Kmart so that you'll be able to have your wine free. You'll be able to have your free wines and also scoot around in a responsible fashion on the office chairs and look at the art without standing up and risking COVID. Isn't that just extraordinarily responsible? Aren't we good people? Now, item number three on the agenda, closely related to item number two, I want to thank Peter Gers for having had me on his radio show this weekend, the Smart Arts program.

I went on Peter's show, and he allowed me to talk about the auction. I have grabbed the audio. I don't know if this is legal. I don't know. I don't know. I genuinely don't know if this is allowed. But I have grabbed clips of the audio.

That's probably fair use, right? It's got to be, isn't it? I'm going to say, this is a forgiveness permission type situation i've grabbed some of the audio i've edited it down so it's a more manageable size that's maybe what helps it be fair use listen here to my interview with peter about the art auction if you're looking for flexible workouts pel Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you

have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Now, are you doing a fringe show as well as this art auction? I am. I'm doing a show called Aesthetic, and that'll be fine, but it's the art auction that I most want your help with. I didn't know you were a painter.

I don't know. Well, I've only done a couple of works for this, but I'm auctioning other people's work. Yes. Artists are very bad with money, I've discovered over the last couple of weeks. Well, comedians are not much better. No, but comedians are also unpleasant. Even worse.

Radio announcers, all these South American powders that so many of the commercial ones put up their noses. But here, at the Art Thing, it's a wonderful opportunity. We've got some great Adelaide artists, and I'm trying to marry them up with people with, you know, millions and millions of dollars. That's the goal of this art auction. Why are you doing this?

Well, because I get a cut at the auctioneer and I'd like to buy a boat. A boat? What are you going to do with a boat? I have no idea, but I'd love a catamaran. You know, you go sailing around KI. Who knows what you'd do with the boat? You could get a jet ski and annoy everybody. I've been to the Gold Coast.

I've seen the jet ski pieces. Oh, they're everywhere. I can't. There's a dignity to a boat, isn't there? Yes, which there isn't to a jet ski. And jet skis kill dugongs. Look, every morning there's dead dugongs lying on the beach at Glenelg. I didn't know you had a jet ski.

Some of them wearing lipstick. With little scripts of Arabic writing in their suit jackets. They're horrible, those jet skis. I can see you in a catamaran. Yes. Well, let me tell you about the auction. Let me tell you who we've got. You may know some of the artists.

We've got Pierre Mukheba. One of the most notable artists working in Australia, an African-Australian artist. Absolutely. He fled the Congo as a refugee, and now he's in the New York Times this month. I know. He's incredible.

Jasmine Crisp. We've got two Jasmine Crisps, who people may remember painted that Sia mural on Morford Street. Yes. It had to be changed to be Jasmine Crisp. So many people. Christopher Meadows, Henry Stenderford. We've got two Margie Hookways.

It's a hooms, hooms of great Adelaide painters that we're getting rid of. And two of your own paintings. One with the man watching a fire. Oh, I wish that was me. That's a Billy Oakley. Oh, I thought that was you. I wanted to see your pictures. Well, what I've done, I've managed to get, through a friend,

I've managed to get Mark Rusciuto to sign some things that Mark Rusciuto would never usually sign. So I've got him to sign pictures of other footballers because I thought that was funny. And then I've got a small porcelain, very tasteless, you know, a little China doll of a Parisian woman, aristocrat. Yes, yes. And I'm trying to get Mark Rusciuto to sign that as well.

Because I think that's what the hard man of Adelaide football should be signing as memorabilia. That's right. Lots of artists. Where is it, please, James? Howling Owl Art Gallery, just off Rundle Street. And that'll be Feb 10. And the auction will be at 8pm, but doors from 7 and Peter, you are the

doyen of the Adelaide art scene you know everybody, you know everyone who would buy a painting, I throw myself at your mercy for your help to get wealthy benefactors of the arts to this art auction So you can make money, and the artists Peter, this boat will not

buy itself. I need some help. This art auction, say the date again. Feb 10, so this Thursday. Doors at 7. Get along by 8pm. Free plonk is what I'm guaranteeing. And you're the auctioneer.

I haven't done a proper auction before, so I hope it's easy. No, it's a lot harder than it looks, I can tell you. I'm buying a gavel today. Oh, good. James McCann, thank you, and we look forward to hearing you with Jules Schiller and others here on ABC Radio Adelaide. You're a funny bugger, James McCann.

Often seen riding around the streets of Adelaide on a pink girl's bike for some obscure reason. He's a lovely man. Good. Lovely people today. Here on ABC Radio Adelaide. Peter, thank you so much for having me on.

Thank you so much for having me on and for telling people about this wonderful James Donald Forbes McCann art auction That's taking place I hope we get some wealthy patrons of the arts along Just as I hope we get some wealthy patrons along To the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan Sailing Club Patreon

That's where you can come and join We've now got 12 We're getting $97 a month With hashtag just one more. I'm going to have hashtag just one more every week. I've decided we only need to get one more. It's like compound interest. But if we can get hashtag just one more person to join that Patreon and get those secret exclusive episodes of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. Well, I'll feel nice. Affirmation, affirmation, affirmation, affirmation. It's time to do some affirmations.

Affirmation number one. I affirm that I'm going to buy a more masculine bicycle so I don't get made fun of on the radio. Well, I don't even think that was being made fun of on the radio. I think that was a charming detail about my life. Still, I don't even think that was being made fun of on the radio. I think that was a charming detail about my life. Still, I think it's probably time, in the interests of taking my mountain cycling to the next level, to get a more performance-orientated bicycle rather than something that's visually pleasing. I affirm that I will watch Australian Survivor

with my wife when I can. I'll take my family to the boat museum when there's a spare moment. Oh, we've had some nice times this week, but none of them have involved a boat museum. Affirmation. I affirm that my new jacket will give me incredible auctioneer powers. I hope it does. I hope that the gavel is strong and resounding. I tried hitting the gavel on the little gavel piece of wood earlier today in the car.

It made a very small sound. I thought, how hard do you have to bloody hit with this hammer? I thought it was an acoustic. I thought it would reverberate. No, it's all brute force. I affirm that it's going to be a bloody good art auction. And I affirm that... What else do I want to affirm?

Well, I affirm my love for you. Can one do that? I just want to say it. Thank you. Thank you for tuning in. Last week's episode, biggest episode yet. Even bigger than the week before's episode.

These shows just get bigger and better and more beautiful. And let me tell you, when this art auction transpires, we are going to have at least some money, I think, because expenses have been just unbelievably low. And we're going to use that money to grow this podcast even more. I want to say thank you to you, our early adopters, for listening.

And I want to thank all the schlong doctors I want to thank all the early adopters and schlong doctors for keeping this podcast engorged I love you peace be with you have a wonderful week

God bless This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessi Cruikshank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend. I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails,

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