The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - fat zion

Episode Date: January 15, 2024

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! to free data, big savings on plans, and having your unused data roll over to the following month. Every month.
Starting point is 00:00:28 At Fizz, you always get more for your money. Terms and conditions for our different programs and policies apply. Details at Fizz.ca. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you,
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Starting point is 00:01:24 Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. I didn't experience anything once I left home that I hadn't signed up for. If anything, it saved my life. Me being homeless for that small period of time allowed me to see all of the people that were in that situation and to see that these were lawyers and doctors and teachers and that these people were white and black
Starting point is 00:01:58 and Asian and Indian. And the only thing that all of these homeless people had in common was they made a bad decision and aligned themselves with drugs. And I interviewed them all. What drug? What? And guess what, Shannon? Nobody had a great story.
Starting point is 00:02:18 Nobody had a great story of what meth had done for them, what crack had done for them, what cocaine had done for them, what heroin had done for them, what cocaine had done for them, what heroin had done for them, what speed had done for them. Nobody had them stories. Everybody's story was I had my life together and then I decided to do this dumb thing and I lost my wife, I lost my house, I lost my cars, I lost my reputation, and I'm now out here sucking penis in the woods. What? Talk about scared straight. You ain't got to worry about me. Oh yes, welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran. A plan brought to you live from Steubenville.
Starting point is 00:03:05 That's where I've landed. I don't know where I'm going. I've just come back from the bar. I've just, on the way there, I drove on the right-hand side of the road and only seriously got in trouble one time trying to get used to this American driving. Let me tell you, I'm so happy I stayed off of drugs. I'm so happy I've never been a big, other than a short amount of time where I discovered that codeine and a bottle of wine was a good time. I'm so glad that I have a weird fear of drugs
Starting point is 00:03:40 because it's allowed me to do so many wonderful things. I can tell you if I'd gotten into drugs, kids, if I'd gotten into drugs in a big way, oh, I'd be in trouble. I'd be just doing drugs at home in sweet Adelaide with all my friends. Gosh, it doesn't sound so bad now that I say it out loud. No, but seriously, folks, kids, I'm here in Steubenville. I've made it to America. I'm here in Steubenville. I've made it to America. On the last podcast, I was sitting in a car in Greymouth, New Zealand. And what a thing it is to get to go back to Greymouth, New Zealand. And then from there, well, it was a big journey.
Starting point is 00:04:18 If you want to hear about it, I describe it in painstaking detail on the Patreon, which so many people have signed up to supporting my dream of boat ownership, and I thank you for that, and I thank you for your financial contribution. And then I was in Austin, and I got to do comedy at Joe Rogan's Comedy Club and live at my friend Shane's house, and I got to do stand-up comedy, and I got to hang out,
Starting point is 00:04:39 and I got to play a video game. Gee, it's rare that I get... Gee, it's good, as well as drugs, that I've stepped away from video games, because let me tell you, if I was a video game-playing, it's rare that I get... Gee, it's good as well as drugs that I've stepped away from video games because let me tell you, if I was a video game playing person in general, I wouldn't be here in Steubenville either. Oh, it's been hard.
Starting point is 00:04:53 It's been bloody hard here in Steubenville because I don't have a car. I'm about to take possession of a car next week from a friend, but I haven't had a car, haven't had a social security number, haven't been able to get paid, haven't been able to go anywhere. I've just been in the downtown of Steubenville, which my friend Mark, he's trying to turn it, it's just one man trying to turn around
Starting point is 00:05:16 the whole hollowed out downtown of a Rust Belt imploding community. And he's doing a damn fine job of it. I was at the bar that I believe he owns the land of. It was wonderful just to sit around with men, to have a beer, to talk about how fat Zion Williams is. William Son, Zion Williamson. I always want to call him a name that ain't his name. I should be quiet
Starting point is 00:05:45 my whole family's here my family's finally arrived I'm back together with my family I spent I don't know what it was nine days away from my family I don't know how much to tell you I don't know how much to catch you up
Starting point is 00:05:54 I don't know where I'm going to live I don't know what I'm going to do but I'm here in America I'm in America I'm in America in America this is America I went to the public library today with my family.
Starting point is 00:06:07 We walked all through the downtown of Steubenville to the cathedral that they're taking away. They're taking away the cathedral. They said there's not enough people living here. I believe this is the argument, that there's not enough people living here to justify having a bishop. Boy, there's not a cathedral to justify having a bishop.
Starting point is 00:06:24 They have a photo in the library. It's a beautiful Carnegie Library. A man named Carnegie. Here's my understanding of American history is that there was, for a brief period of time, a man who owned everything. I've woken people up. I've been too loud and I've woken people up. I've been too enthusiastic.
Starting point is 00:06:41 Enthusiastic. I'm going to stumble upstairs now drunk and try and be a good father ah what have I done what have I done to my family what have I done to myself maybe I'll stay down here and let soundbusters go away that scream baby
Starting point is 00:06:57 ah I've really stuffed that one there'll be some big apologies to come from yours truly excuse me that might be where we end the podcast right now I'm back and I'm better than ever the baby's snuggling down with its sweet tender mother I love my wife so much
Starting point is 00:07:23 I seriously recommend marrying the same woman I did. If I am struck down, or even if I die for a long time, I commend marrying her to any one of you. And indeed, I will only give my blessing to the marriage if it's a James Donald Fawcett Canterbury Airplane listener who does marry my sweet, tender widow. We walked to the library today. It was a beautiful library, paid for by Mr. Carnegie, next to a terrible, terrible cathedral. I didn't even look
Starting point is 00:07:54 inside of it, but they had a picture of how the cathedral used to look and how it looks now. They knocked down the towers. It had two big, beautiful towers out front, they knocked it down, it was made of a beautiful black stone, and they bricked up the front, didn't get me bricked up, let me tell you that much for free, I can't believe what they did to this building, it was evil, I mean imagine being the man whose job it is to tear that down, imagine being the man who think that's a good idea, disgraceful, but the library is wonderful. I must say, even I've been to some pretty... The word that they would use, I would think, would be... What's the word that they use to mean poor in America?
Starting point is 00:08:35 Well, let's just use that word. I've been to some pretty poor neighborhoods in America, and both times I've been there, they've had beautiful, beautiful libraries. I mean, you can't... maybe I'm just getting lucky, but the libraries in this country are magical. I've never seen a library that may be more enthusiastic to be a black child. So many exciting possibilities for black children.
Starting point is 00:09:02 Also, the signage and books of this library would make me think making the dreams and wishes of dr martin luther king come true dr martin luther king jr i'm sick of the way people bring up him cheating on his wife dr martin luther king jr was a great man and people in this country keep breaking up the fact seemingly that he was cheating on his wife to keep black people in their place in this country well i've had enough one man one charismatic man's infidelity should not destroy the movement of a whole people to self-determination hello and welcome to the james donald falls mccann catamaran plan it's the podcast where i james donald falls mccann am trying to buy a boat. And while there's a brief catch-up,
Starting point is 00:09:45 I've moved my family to America, to Steubenville, Ohio. Gee, I was sitting backstage with some comedians. I performed at Joe Rogan's comedy club, The Mothership. Can I just quickly say, if you ever get the opportunity to do that, and I know not a lot of you will, because not a lot of you are stand-up comedians. I mean, even if you are a stand-up comedian, maybe it's difficult for you to drag your whole damn family across the world.
Starting point is 00:10:10 It wasn't easy for me to do it, but let me tell you. It's so wonderful. It's so wonderful. They've built acoustically, technologically. It's just perfect. It's one man with a lot of money who said, what if we just made the perfect place to do comedy in, and then they did it, oh, it moved me, I was moved, I wasn't, I wasn't just
Starting point is 00:10:34 doing comedy and performing in front of those people, I was having a, very close to a transcendent experience, I mean, just filled with terror, so afraid to go on and perform in front, I mean, just filled with terror, so afraid to go on and perform in front, I mean, because imagine if you're bad there, gee, that'd be a real kick in the trouser, excuse me, I shouldn't be talking in that way, I'm just, I don't know how I'm going to, I don't know how I'm going to provide for my family, but there are a lot of people in America who are looking me in the eye and telling me they're going to help me, and I'm so grateful for them, and I'm so grateful for you, dear listener. I've had an idea for merchandise. That's the next episode. I need a car before we move into the merchandising phase. Oh my goodness. It's just, I can't open a bank account. People are trying to pay me and I can't open a bank account because
Starting point is 00:11:19 I don't have a social security number yet. So I went to go and get a social security number in the downtown of Steubenville. And the they were so wonderful there was only about three people in the social security office people trying to get their disability and the women were they said we don't like the rules here they were so apologetic they said we don't like the rules here sir it's just our job. And I thought, I wonder if you know about the Nuremberg trials. But they were so kind to me. They were so kind to me. So in about two weeks, I'm going to have a social security card with a number on it. I'm going to be able to take that number to a bank and or credit union. I'm going to get a bank account and then when I provide goods and or services for people they'll be able to pay money into that account
Starting point is 00:12:08 and until then we just hobble along oh I went to a Walmart with my father my father's come along, my father's here and he is just indefatigably enthusiastic there was a wall at the Walmart as you might have guessed but it was a wall of the Walmart, as you might have guessed, but it was a wall of soldiers who had died in war from Steubenville and they've got all their pictures up on the wall.
Starting point is 00:12:31 And my daddy, he was taking pictures of all the dead young sweet boys who died in the defense of liberty in various wars. Excuse me, I do have to be quiet. I'm waking everybody up again i thought i was being quiet this time but i guess not excuse me okay now being very quiet indeed turning this into an asmr podcast that seems to be what the young people today need is someone just whispering into their ears maybe that's a breakthrough in microphone technology maybe that's a sign that people lack the warmth of a mother when they're growing up. But who am I to say what's right and
Starting point is 00:13:08 wrong in this crazy mixed up world? I'll tell you who I am. I'm a man with judgment. I'm a man with relatively sound judgment. And I'm here to tell you that I find the ASMR phenomenon fundamentally disgusting, but also enrapturing at the same time. Because it's nice when someone's words tickle me inside my ear, not even in a particularly sexual way. Although that too. But I mean, the best video I found trying to describe American football, gee, I'm trying to understand the American football. The best video that I could find was an ASMR woman doing it.
Starting point is 00:13:43 I think these guys line up their special teams. So this is where special teams come out. And they're going to be back here. And I don't know if they have to be at a certain spot back here, actually. But you have your catcher kind of guy running back. No, not running back. I don't know what he's called.
Starting point is 00:13:59 I should look that up. This guy. He's going to catch that ball. And then these guys are all lined up in here i guess they have to be lined up up here to begin with i mean she wasn't across every single last one of the rules but she was doing a pretty good job on balance i thought if i may make one small complaint about america i love this country i love so many things about this country but if i'm to make a complaint about this country it's the food is wrong so just so many things about this country but if I'm to make a complaint about this country it's the food is wrong so just so many things about the food are wrong I tried to buy flour I tried to buy just
Starting point is 00:14:31 the most normal flour possible for my wife so she could cook at home and it was there was bleach in it there's bleached flour and she said there's bleach in this flour and I said honey I'm sorry I got the most normal one I could she said well it's all in this flour. And I said, honey, I'm sorry. I got the most normal one I could. She said, well, it's all right. I guess we're eating bleach and everything else too. When you just buy bread at the supermarket, there are all these extra weird flavors in it that shouldn't be there. Milk tastes wrong in this country.
Starting point is 00:15:01 Everything is wrong. No wonder poor sweet Zion Williamson. I don't really care about Zion Williamson. I'm just, I feel... I was having a big chat before and I was having a, I would say, one of several consecutive dark nights of the soul. I was talking with my wife about
Starting point is 00:15:20 where we're going to live, what we're going to do, how we're going to provide, what I'm going to do. Then I said, well, we're going to live, what we're going to do, how we're going to provide, what I'm going to do. But I said, well, we're going to do twice. I did. And then Mark, Mark, who's next door, Mark, whose house I'm in, he said, do you want to come to the bar? I said, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And there were all these lovely men there and just drinking with these men in this bar,
Starting point is 00:15:42 smoking a couple of cigarettos. I don't mind saying you can hear that in my I believe you call it a lung. Lungs. I'm the sadomasochistic organ of all. Excuse me. That was just nice. It was just human to be hanging out with the boys. To be there with the boys talking about whether or not Zion Williamson was fat. It was a meaningful moment for me. Can I just take a moment to shout out immigrants? I'm sorry to make this a big gay woke podcast. Something that I never thought this podcast would become
Starting point is 00:16:13 would be a big woke gay podcast, but gosh, immigrants have a hard time of it. To hear different voices around you is, well, it's taxing. To have to change the way you say the word water when you're in a water just so that you'll be understood i'm sure there are other problems about the immigrant experience but those are the two that i've noticed it's really actually only one if you think about it it's the same thing sort of number one is a flavor of the food and
Starting point is 00:16:41 the other is a flavor in the ear mouth i'll tell you one thing i was doing man the first couple sets i did in america the first couple stand-up comedy sets i was a bit robotic i was changing some words around to try and be understood by the american audience and my friend shane he told me he said i noticed you're changing a couple words around for the americans i said that's correct he said, don't do that, so I stopped, and I just treated the audience like they were an Australian audience, maybe it was so much better, it was fine if I, when I just treat them like people, people are all the same, people are all the same out there, and they don't mind you being different,
Starting point is 00:17:28 it was a real beautiful moment where I thought, oh can just do my act because I had thought I'll have to go through all my material to see what if it works in America and slowly introduce it and change it bit by bit because I got one bit that involves the word kilogram and I thought well I can't be saying that. I have gained 10 kilos recently. Thank you. I'm not happy about it. I realised I was getting fat because men in pubs have stopped calling me mate and started to call me big fella. And I thought, I can't say that. It's got the word kilos in it.
Starting point is 00:17:57 Who's going to understand me talking about kilos in America other than people who sling cocaine? That's my understanding. That's the unit they use. It was like a germ in my head that I had to change everything else that I do. I couldn't say the word mate. Turns out you can say the word mate in America. They know the word mate
Starting point is 00:18:10 and they know that Australians say it and they're perfectly capable of tolerating an Australian saying the word mate instead of buddy. So I just play on and use the word. I just treat them like human beings who are capable of listening to another human being. Isn't beautiful gee this podcast's getting pretty effaced it's a podcast about how we all need to listen to each other and how immigrants have a hard time of it that's not
Starting point is 00:18:33 the podcast i said i had to make i said i had to make a podcast for me and i'm proud to say that we've never been closer i'm so happy to have so many beautiful new listeners from all across the world largely from america we've got hundreds of new listeners in america tens of new people on the patreon i want to say thank you you are making the dream of me buying a boat stronger than ever maybe not close than ever but stronger i gotta tell you i i you, I had ultimately a very beautiful experience and a very bad experience while I was putting gas in the car. As I was on the way to the... I was driving.
Starting point is 00:19:11 I was on the way to this bar. Not pub. Bar. Gee, there's something about a pub that's very family friendly and you can have a child at a pub and at a bar. It's just an area where men go to get drunk. That's my understanding of the difference. Anyway, so this guy at the petrol station,
Starting point is 00:19:28 I will not lose my identity, this guy at the petrol station goes, hey, I have extra $10 left on my meter. I put in a certain amount of money to fill up the car and there's an extra $10. Do you want the extra $10 of fuel? I said, yes. And Mark, very gracious, he said, well well does someone else here need it more than us I said Mark let's take the fuel man so I
Starting point is 00:19:53 drive the car around I put the fuel in the car and when I go in because it obviously I mean it didn't work here's the other thing I we went to try and put the fuel in the car accidentally put twenty dollars in so I had to pay the difference of the ten dollars and it was me in the car, accidentally put $20 in, so I had to pay the difference of the $10. And it was me in the line and these people waiting behind me, and they were buying just every... It was this young family. Well, it wasn't a young family. It was a father and his enormously fat teenage children. And they were buying every snack imaginable at the petrol station.
Starting point is 00:20:23 I mean, they were buying something called a Yoo-Hoo, which is, I think, an American chocolate milk drink they were buying. It was like 17 different Skittles, fried things, chips. I mean, it puts my wife's complaint of the bleached flour to shame. I mean, these people were just getting ready
Starting point is 00:20:44 to buy a mountain of poison. And later on, Mark said, he goes, when I was complaining about what these people were ordering, I was saying, you can't eat that and live. And he said, James, I hope you know that those people were buying their dinner. I said, don't say that. He said, that's dinner for those people.
Starting point is 00:21:10 And just, oh, I thought that was, that really was, that's America. That's the two sides of America that I've seen. On the one hand, it's a man doing something generous, giving an extra $10 of petrol to somebody. I've never in my life encountered somebody ever giving excess petrol to someone. And on the other hand, it's a big fat family living the life I wish I could lead. Thank you. We'll be right back. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power.
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Starting point is 00:24:03 I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts.
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