The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - fighting a panda - ft. Sean Conway (and some Eve)

Episode Date: November 15, 2025

Find Sean Conway on the gram: https://www.instagram.com/totalconway/And also Eve: https://www.instagram.com/eveelbowHeadline comedy shows on sale now:https://www.jdfmccann.com/gigsNASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 14 - 15WASHINGTON D.C. - NOVEMBER 23Join the Patreon:https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccannCheck out Black Israelite:https://youtu.be/oawMfCMLkHUBuy the books:https://www.jdfmccann.com/books Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes-McCand-Catamaran plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.com. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, you'll, look, you'll find a way. Catalan home. Welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes, McCamaran plan.

I'm joined with Sean Conway. Woo! Not joined by, joined with. Join two. Conjoined. Yeah. You can't see it in the video, but we've had a knee surgery. And in the front there, we've got Eve Ellen,

Bergen who will focus on the driving. I've got to squeeze time in to do this podcast somewhere, but Eve, while not on camera, here is a little vocal from Eve. Hi, Dave. You focus on that car coming up on our left, who's got some dings and dents. Driving into Nashville, Tennessee, last night was

Alabama. I think we went to the only trans-friendly bar in Alabama, and I had a great time. Yeah, open-mark comedy. Mike, I'm going to take some of the hairs off your microphone. I feel bad about it. Sean is from Australia. He's in America now.

And since I last saw him, he lost about 150 pounds and got hair. Yeah, I went to Turkey, got hair. Yeah. Thanks, Turkey. You did it. Now, we will never speak of it again. This is the new you and the forever year. Yeah.

I have a couple things to mention at the start of the podcast. The first is the Patreon. People can go and join the Patreon if they want. Secondly, is this new edition of New Polly Magazine. It's a magazine coming out of Stubanville, Ohio, God's Own Stubinville, Ohio. Lovely place on Earth. What a lovely place. This is the AI issue, and I'm in it.

My poetry is in it, and Slavois-Jizek is in it, and my poems come right up to Shlavojizek. I'm so on it. Who's that? No. Slavu-Jishik is just one more here. Wow. You see that guy? Slavo Zijsijek is an Eastern European philosopher who talks like this and his whole stocking and moving.

Is he a positive dude or is he a negative dude? He has a synthesis of the positive and the negative. He's a gelian. Eve? Uh-huh, yes. What do I think of Slavo Zijsijsac? Yeah. I just remember watching...

Too dangerous. Too dangerous. You've got to focus on driving. I'm just going to pass. All I know is that when I first discovered him like 10 years ago, I thought he's the kind of guy who, like, have you a professor, he would slowly unbutton his pants while you're talking. All right. Little unnecessary character assassination.

That's what Eve will do. Eve will take... In the Clarence Thomas episode, which has never come out, Eve will just go, well, of course, he did bad things. He's creepy. And you go, well, you think he's creepy because you heard he did bad things. That's his self... I don't even know if he did bad things.

I'm just saying he just seems like... Oh, it's racism. It's racism again. Oh, she breaks of it. Participating in a high-tech lynching. for uppity blacks who deigned to think for themselves. New Polly Magazine, can't recommend it enough. New Polly Magazine.

Great podcast. Check out the YouTube. They had a big argument about, they had a debate on this week as to whether or not chatbots are evil. And we should all stop using AI. It was a good one. Yeah? Who won?

It was just very constructive. Hmm. So it wasn't a debate? Well, it was a debate, but they, you know, in good, you know, they just debated with each other. They had a conversation. They didn't have someone there going, Amber Winnah, in the red corner. You know, they were just having a good time.

Debates aren't what they used to be. Well, you know, back in the day, a TV debate would be... I remember the atheist. They're always doing TV debates. And then at some point someone said, enough of this. We've had enough of the atheists on TV. They won all the debates. They attracted no new fans after a certain point.

And now they've just disappeared. Isn't that funny? Yeah, you get shot for debates now. Well, some people get shot for debates. Yeah. Yeah, it's a scary time. But we're having fun in Nashville tonight, so it should be good. Yes, I've got all these shows.

No, no debate about it. No, no debate. I've got, I think Friday, today's Friday. I think Friday, Saturday, late show and Sunday are all sold out, and 4 p.m. on Saturday is still. So if this is coming out before, wow, wiggly, wiggly. I wonder if there's some way to stabilize that. I'll try and look it up. No, no, I have the footage.

It's no use to. now. Oh. Did I touch something? He did touch something. I wrote a poem this morning. Yeah. Sean and I, we sat down with our journals.

We were in a bedroom together. Yeah. Sean was snoring and I was farting. And the snoring would annoy me and then I would fart and I would hear the snoring stop and I would be ashamed. I think, oh God, I've woken Sean up with my farts. Could not stop fighting. Anyway, I've written about some of that. What did you write out this morning?

And then I'll tell you what I wrote. I wrote a joke about how perverts that you were involved. environmentalist. Go on. Oh, well, it's not a poem. No, but there's a joke. Do you want to save it? You want to save it for the stage?

I want to save it for the stage. This is gold. All right. I write jokes every three weeks, so we've got to save it. That's pretty good. Yeah. I, uh, well, I've written a... Horrible system.

I've written a fairly long poem, and I don't want to bore people with it. I thought maybe I would close with that. But now is the time. Here's my new poem. You can't coctase them like that. You can't promise poem and then just be like, ah, I'll give it too. you later. Let the people have it now. Both of you feel free to interrupt at any point during the

poem because it's the first draft. Something is wrong with my insides. Maybe the spicy chicken burger has wronged me. I spent all morning on the toilet. Last night's spicy chicken burger has betrayed me. The waitress

who recommended that burger has betrayed me. Unchecked capitalism and factory farming has betrayed me. Modern plumbing. has got my back. The toilet held up beautifully. Something is wrong with my insides.

It might not all be the fault of the spicy chicken burger. Eight beers and a double shot of whiskey has betrayed me. All this stressful nonsense around me is a problem. I'm too afraid to look up IBS on Wikipedia. Because I've always looked down on IBS people as being intellectually and spiritually weak. And I am a strong person. But I don't feel very strong in the aftermath of the toilet.

I'd hope to have profound thoughts today. I brought two books of poetry with me, Alexander Pope and Baudelaire. I haven't read a word. I am become a dirty puddle in my brain and on the toilet. There's nothing left to be done for it. The tour has just begun. It will not be turned around. Number two is number one.

The world has tremendous need. The world needs help with architecture. I could build such beautiful cities. Something could be done about freeways and the homeless and fire and fine dining. Excuse me. It's a long poem. It takes a little turn on the second page. Landscape gardening and obesity.

Stadiums could be nicer. Office blocks don't have to look like that. Climate change. If it is happening. I'm sort of on the fence about it. just because the people who think it's right are wrong about everything else, I believe. There is a perfect overlap between chopping a little boy's dick off and late-term abortion and killing the elderly and taking climate change seriously.

I don't know what the through line is except the lack of self-belief and faith in the sublime. It's almost going to the toilet time again. When will I be free and have the indefatigable power to do something about society? maybe after the toilet and the shower. God, please, help me. Help me. God! Take all that is dirty and puddle like within me. Burn it away.

Get me on side. Show me it would be better to do it your way. Make the path straight, please, and take me where you need me to go. And if it is a literal cross, if it was good enough for both you and your boy, who am I to complain about it? Do you need me to get tested for IBS? Is there even a test that one can get? I don't know.

Do you need me to get rid of my telephone, quit the road and quit stand-up comedy? Or am I trying to make a God an idol out of my fatigue? Is the fatigue from worshipping an idol? God, if you can do God, you can do everything. Please fix my digestive system, Lord, and my sexual anxiety. Last night at the bar, there was a toothless four-foot-something woman, dirty dancing with a tall elderly man. I stopped to watch.

It was like a rotting flower. Alabama! It was at a trans friendly open mic in Alabama. There was a trans who played guitar and sang. And when I got up to say thank you and well done, the trans was on the laptop in the crowded bar playing Counterstrike, and that hurt me. I told my Jewess Eve about it.

She said, well, you're always on your phone, and I knew it was the same. But I said, that is not the same. And she hastily agreed, the coward. God help me all throughout the day and through the night and in between. Today I am going to buy patches and begin weaning myself off of nicotine. That's my, I don't know if that's a, I don't know,

it's more of a, it's, that's the artist's way. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff in that. I don't. I love that I made it into a poem, but the crazy thing is that I just agreed with you about the phone thing because I knew that you couldn't take it at that time of night. Did you, did either of you see the toothless,

short woman dirty dancing with the elderly man? Oh, it was, she was like handing him dollar bills and get, it was just at an open mic where, where some trans was singing, um, Mountain Goat songs. It was also a cool black dude doing comedy. Oh man, he had a rough set. Where are you from, motherfucker? No one could hear anything. It was real loud. And it was like an open mic to do anything.

But comedy should never have been done. It was so loud. It was so noisy. It was so packed. And he was really, he was really trying to do stand up, wasn't he? Yeah. He gave it a red-hawk girl. Yeah, he did pretty well.

He had a joke about having sex with an old woman with a bummed hip. I'll be going to work on that hip. She's an old woman. I was 16. She got me out there mowing the loans. Hit that from the back. Yeah, it was, well, look, you say he had something. Now, I thought he had something at the time.

And he says, you just think black people have something. You know. You do think that about all black people. Very rare that I find a black person who doesn't. have more charisma than the average honk. Do you know that every time, okay, that was the first time. Every time you give me the microphone,

you hit me in the face. Yeah. Sean, what's happening? What's new? I don't know. What's going on with irritable bowel syndrome? I don't know. You're not a fan?

How's your poopie? Yeah. Yeah. I think I just got hammered last night. Yeah. And I do love American toilets. They are built for... A big powerful.

Yeah. I have done shits over here that would just destroy a normal Australian toilet. Oh, no. And it's like, They just gobble it up. Sometimes you get the older American toilet. It's like sitting in a pool. Pre-Iraq American toilets.

And the modern American toilet is neck level with the power. I think they were inspired by the surge. The surge? Yeah, like when the Americans up the numbers in Iraq to get it under control. But Traus is surge. Because people in Australia, we always talk about, oh, which way does the water flow around? Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Yeah, but over here, they don't do that no more. There's just a huge amount of water that comes in and rips the fecal matter down. It's really... Do you remember when the new toilets came in, Eve? Like, which one, the small tank? These big, beautiful, strong toilets in America. I grew up with a swimming pool toilet. We have huge toilets in my...

Huge toilets in each househousehouse. How long have you been in America for now? Six weeks, a month and a half. A bit. But, yeah, I do like the toilet. because like when I take a shit and it leaves the stain I feel like I've defeated the toilet you know what I mean yeah so you were pretty strong but not quite strong enough American toilet what other than I noticed the toilets in a big way when I first came to a big thing oh they're lovely uh the the altar rail fills up the opposite direction because people drive the other way here yeah I've got the girlfriend over here and every time she's driven it makes me feel like we're about to crash like she's just just driving into traffic.

And now I trust us. That is spooky. It is, yeah, you went to get in the wrong side of the car before. That was cute. That reminded me home. Alabama. What else was in that poem that showed issues? Are you questioning God after this shit?

No. No, I just need his help. I need his help. What do you think he's going to do? I questioned my ability to get by without God's help. I also felt. I need God's help. Yeah.

Well, I felt like it was a very typical Alabama stereotype. that they needed two toilet roll handles for the toilet. They must have some fucking big boys coming and doing dumps in these things. I think the biggest people I've seen have been in the Midwest. Oh yeah, Cleveland? Cleveland, I did the Cleveland Comedy Festival and great, but I got to meet some of the biggest people who were my heart. I'm going to use that as a joke.

I went to Cleveland. I got to meet some of my biggest fans. they were huge and you know what the fatter they are the more they like to take their shirt off on stage yeah no comment yeah they were

yeah there was all sorts of tits I got to see in Cleveland it was good I got flashed by this woman in I'm a heart Nebraska from the stage Nebraska did you get flashed on you were on stage or someone showed you the buzies no no the comedian was on stage and he showed me his titties

and they were like two giant triangle titties because he was like 600 pounds just for the knees yeah the knees do not agree and he was in a roast battle and the other black guy kept talking about show us your sugar foot for his 20 feet

it was great when did I uh oh yeah I came up with a roast joke earlier today in the car I was very happy with it and everyone in the car's heard it yeah but I haven't heard it I don't remember it I don't remember it what was it

A good podcast guest. It was, you know, okay, we're on a roast battle together. I'm intrigued. We're on a roast battle together. Oh, okay. You're someone who's not very successful in the roast battle, but in real life. But I go, and this guy's career's going so poorly. He's on America's least wanted list.

That's cold. The FBI's least wanted. Cold-blooded. You did your Arkansas roast joke. I did one. I had a good, we did Big Diamond together, and I got to do the roast of Arkansas. Arkansas. And my favorite joke that I came up with, because the other three were shit, is Arkansas is the second fattest state in America. They would be number one, but they get too much cardio chasing black people out of town.

Yeah. That's very funny. I tell you one, I wrote for Buffalo that I don't like doing it because I did. I thought the women in Buffalo wouldn't be as beautiful as they were. They are? Gorgeous women in Buffalo. Yeah. Okay. But the joke is, man, great to be here in Buffalo.

The only town in America named after the appearance of its women. Buffalo girls, want you come out tonight. Don't come out during the day. I'll vomit. But then they were gorgeous. Buffalo's got good pizza, right? I don't know that I had the pizza. That's what Dave Portnoy told me.

You meant Dave Portnoy? No, I like on the TV. Well, it's like Larry King was telling me Not so long ago You can't phrase it like that That's That's absurd Was telling me

It's like Candice Owens was telling me Oh shit Oh That's the super trooper ones The brown ones They are super troopery And Eve driving so beautifully today Oh yeah

Yeah. People should know that the podcast, anyone who's made it this far deserves to know something about the podcast. Yeah? Where the production value is about to shoot through the roof. Like, enjoy this while you can, the low-budget James Donald Fawkes-Bacon Catamaran Plan. Because in January, everything is in order for the production values to be outstanding. Astronomical? astronomical.

Groove is in the heart, and Groove will be in the James Donald Fawkes-McCann Catamaran Plan podcast. I've been, I don't want to say lazy. Would you say lazy, Eve? I don't think you're ever lazy. It's one of the things I like and hate most about you. I'm working. You're battling through your IBS, though.

That's true. I would say the podcast has been, I've really tried to get the comedy right. yeah and I haven't had as much time and creativity I've been trying to put the podcast in different strange places which is why we're in the car but I don't know if I think there's something to be said for a studio anyway the production values will go way up there'll be a whole team working with us hang him there a whole team how many's a whole team at least two people fuck yeah camera man sound guy no that's one of the guys yeah it's one of the and someone doing some, man, I just want to buy a lot of different socks and let people

know how they feel. I want to have the seal of approval. That's one thing I wanted for the podcast. Well, like different kind of socks or like colorful socks? I'd be like, this is the official sock. You know, Oprah would have, yeah, you know, Oprah would have book of the month. Yeah. And then that would just sell.

Over didn't have to do anything other than go, Oprah likes that. You know, and then people get a lot of money. And then people pay a lot of money to get whatever. But I start doing it with the seal of approval. The James Donald Fores McCann, Canterman plant seal of approval. Yeah. What's your seal logo going to be? Say it again.

What's your seal logo going to be? It's going to be a seal. Yeah. Like the singer? Like the animal, yes, like the animal. I thought you should have got the singer. And it's just him going like... There was a comedian in Adelaide called Hardcore Dame.

Oh, yeah. Who would only do hardcore material. Still does. One of the nicest and also scariest human beings. You know, people talk about, like, to be a great man, you need to be a bad man who turns that into being a good man. You've got to have the capacity for great violence. He's Australian comedy's John Wick.

Yeah. Hardcore Damo, he's hardcore. But he would have a seal joke. Man, he would, I won't burn all his seal material. But one of the tags he had on it was, do they have spat patch? in this country the plaster

that you put over a wall like when there's a crack in a wall or a dend to the wall we'd say you spat patch party so he'd say why don't you

spat patch your fucked head oh man there's about three more punch lines after that that I don't think I can say on the podcast I love hardcore demo

it hits didn't he do gigs in strip clubs that was his whole stick i know that i mean he's he's a bright fella to sell tickets to his shows he got uh he got strippers to do the flyering because they weren't working during the day they wanted some extra money and very obviously like pretty pretty good strategy for getting bums in seats during the day to have

strippers handing out your flyers during a festival where everyone's handing out flyers and it's most of the comedians with our own show you were talking about this last night how if we swapped shows we'd do what much better yeah It's easier to sell someone else a show than my own. If you're out there going, please come and see me. Yeah. The very act of doing it makes me. Well, you're also walking up and telling people, hey, I'm kind of a big deal.

You should come to my show. Yeah. It's pretty uninviting sort of experience. Oh, take it easy. Yeah, let's relax, mate. You fucking yanks on the other side of the road. It's crazy how they're driving over here. Yeah, look at this car.

What are we going to see in Nashville? I've already been to Dolly World. I went to Dolly World, rocking the hood. Man, it's great. It's, uh, you said I lost a, how much weight did I lose and pounds? You lost a lot. 110 pounds and now I can ride the roller coasters, and it was excited. There was one, the first, the first dude, I think he was just being a, because he, like,

he came back and did it like three times just to double check that I was in the seat. Yeah. And, uh, yeah, I think he was fucking with me. but I was very insecure. And he was fatter than me. Fuck. I don't know. I also had corn dogs there.

What do you think we should do in Nashville, Sean? Oh, you'll be great. And James will... During the day. Oh, what was the question? What should we do? Oh, I thought you said, how we go. Oh, we go to 12 South.

Get some coffees. Yeah. I went to a place the other day. Biscuit Love Okay And fuck He does like all these Donut desserts

And shoo Chicken and waffles I got around that Yeah And they fold Their Biscuits a hundred times But like it's a Japanese

Samurai sword Getting ready for battle They advertise a lot of that And it's Yeah And they got cool merch Hold on they got a new escape room Something about an escape room

On the freeway Makes me think in an area that looks like there's a lot of dead prostitutes. Oh, yeah. This is where, like, the Sopranos would drop off bodies. That's not the first time you've mentioned dead prostitutes on this drive. Well, I'm just trying to scout the place. You reckon they're dead prostitutes over here?

What do you reckon the dead prostitutes are hanging out? It smells like, and I'm just... What's that one? I'm... Americans insist on doing festive activities at the zoo. You know, the boo zoo is the Halloween one, And that's a festival of lights at the zoo. I can't imagine the animals are that keen on having a freaking light show. I'm going to guess it's because they probably don't have enough funding.

So they probably need money in the winter. Yeah, but... That's a real negative way of looking at it. I think it's just true. I saw some of the photos for the Nashville lumination show, and they had a bunch of inflatable animals. It kind of defeats the purpose of going to the zoo. I want to see the real thing.

I don't want to see some dudes origami. I'm not a big thing. fan of these LED walk around. If I was a guy who got stoned, I'm sure I'd find it very interesting. They're trying to make us feel like we're always in an Oculus. Thank you. They're trying to... They changed writing to make us all sound like robots with no adjectives or commas or

purple pros or semicolons. And the M-Dash came in, and then ChatGPT started talking like us, because we started talking like it. Now they make the world look like an Oculus. Now they never take an Oculus, what do you got to miss? Taking off the Oculus. I saw a picture of what they've done to the Home Alone House this week, and it made me infuriated. I saw that in your story.

You saw that? It's fucking disgusting. They've just turned it into a monochrome, hard surfaced. People used to have salmon walls. People used to have Persian carpets. People used to have hired help and wood. Yeah. What rhymes with carpets?

Muppets. Scarf, scarf heads. Carpets. Carpets. Markets. Yeah? You don't know the poem? I'm never stopping.

And the Australian accent, Carpets rhymes with... Capit. Carpet. We are going to make it through this year, if it kills you. But speaking of poetry, I brought a poetry book yesterday at Vanderbilt's Bookstore. Tell me about your new book of poems. uh it's called it's a the book cover looks like a cassette tape and it says uh i got some feelings i like that

and all the poems are written in comic sands okay i like this yeah it's very rock and roll not great oh and at the end of the poem it shows the music that inspired the poem is this just some guy it's a production it's a lady oh yeah that's all Alicia. Alicia, something or rather. No comment. I like that the state flag of Nashville is a Dragon Ball.

Is it? Look at it. Look at it on all the license plates. You'll see it. It's a circle with three stars in it. It's a Dragon Ball. I do like it. It is the coolest flag.

I did a poem. Did I ever tell you that story? You did not? So, I did the W.A. Poetry Slam. Oh, God. And the, you know when an open mic, it goes to an open mic show and just does, like, the most horrific edge lord sort of material? This was your poem? No, well, hear me out.

Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't really go. And then, and the way the audience looks at that dude for doing such horrible material. Yeah. That's how the poultry community looked at me doing a poem. So I The girl before me

Did a poem about being raped The guy You did a poem about raping her? What's going on? The guy after me Did a poem about coming out of the closet Yeah And my poem was about

Fighting a Panda at the Zoo And they stared at me Like I was the most disrespectful Piece of Pieces Oh this is where I had a first date With my girlfriend The Comfort Inn

No no Holford's Thank you.