The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - great literature

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

I'm coming back to Adelaide and doing a new material show: https://www.trybooking.com/events/landing/1199522?fbclid=IwAR18wDilXqTGzUkr5AM7UeNNcesP6rOsPVXRNb3AEN4jQXtjaR-ROVxr020Join the sailing club to contribute financially to James Donald Forbes McCann's journey to boat ownership: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccannBuy the several books written by James Donald Forbes McCann: https://www.jdfmccann.com/books Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! Would you like to be smarter? Yes.

Would you like to read more? Yes. Would you like to have something to say at swanky dinner parties? Yes. When the topic comes around to Western civilization? Yes. I bet you would. Absolutely. Hello and welcome to the James Donald Forbes McCann Can Moran Plan.

By the way, when talking about great works of literature, you can always bring up this podcast. The first great golden age podcast of its kind doing exciting incredible new vibrant things with the form a brave new world this ain't just a podcast where some ladies talk about their genitalia or true crime or a couple of bros crack open a bevy and have a chin wag about the unfairness of it all this is a podcast about a man trying to buy a boat but you know, there are other great works of literature out there in the world.

And I tell you, for me, I read quite seriously as a younger man. Studiously and for pleasure. I took on the great texts. Didn't get through all that many of them because there are so many. But I used to find time to read why did i do that well i live with my parents i didn't uh have to earn any money that was a big one um i was going to university so i had to read some of them and then if you want to understand the ones you're reading you've got to read other ones as well you know you go to

your modernist literature course and they say, a lot of this is a pushback against whatever, this Victorian thing, and you don't have to bother with that. And like, here's an excerpt, I remember this very vividly, they said, here's an excerpt from Vanity Fair, isn't this dreadful? They didn't say isn't this dreadful, but you could tell that they were being disapproving of it. And it was just so much better than anything we had been doing in the modernism course i was like right well i better get over there and read that and you know you read that and then you go ah apparently a good book to read after this is war and peace well that's it and then you crack into that and then you're anna karenina and you go but what came before in russian

literature and so on and so forth it was it great fun. So depressing. And it continued on until the birth of my children, basically. Because at that point, I was in a white-hot scramble, and there's just limited time for reading, especially now that I'm beholden to making the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan, which I know it might just sound like me rambling for half an hour into a microphone every week. And how difficult could that be?

If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it.

Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime. Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back. CBC News brings the story to you as it happens. Hundreds of wildfires are burning.

Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. This situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. What is it just for my listeners? But I want to get back into reading, you know, reading great works of fiction, specifically ones that I haven't already read.

And it would be nice to go and read the oldies again as well. But there's just, you know, I'll be talking to people and they'll say, have you read Christian Leverenstater? And I'll say, for the last time, no, I haven't. Stop talking about Christian Leverenstater starter i'll get to it but i never get to it so here's my thought currently it's very nebulous idea what if you know for a time when i'm back in adelaide which will be in a couple of months can we synthesize me having a podcast and a creative empire endeavoring to make enough money to buy a boat with can we marry that too can that be the husband of the voluptuous wife that is literature

here's my thought i'll get a nice chair i'll get a one of those fake fires. You know, everyone has the fake fires. I'll get a six-pack of Guinness. I'll get a pack of Peter Stuyvesant or Camels or whatever cigarettes going. I'm not smoking at the moment, and I might not smoke while I do this, but at least let me have as a fantasy that I'll get to smoke while it's happening. All right? It's going to keep me going. But I'll get enough booze to get me through and enough cigarettes, and I'll just sit down for eight hours in front of a camera

with my friend Sam Clark. We'll set up a camera, we'll set up a beautiful room, and I will read, start to finish, aloud, a great work of literature. A great work that would be, you know, easy enough to read at the time, and also it has to be in the public domain because I'm not going to pay someone to read their book and that way finally I get to read some of these books

and we get to make content for you and we get to put ads on it and that money goes towards a boat and I mean listen, I mean, listen. Well, I made a list. I made a list of some of the books that I was thinking of doing. Pride and Prejudice, never read it. Just slogging away through Emma at the moment. But Pride and Prejudice I reckon I could do in a day.

Mrs. Dalloway, never read it. I read To the Lighthouse. I loved it. Hard Times by Charles Dickens. Haven't read that many books by Charles Dickens. Salambo. I listened to a podcast about the Punic Wars by The Rest is History. That sounded interesting. Salambo. Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre. Mostly novels by dead women. Perhaps that could be a theme. I could do five novels by very dead women. I don't know how long all of those books are. It might be impossible. You know, Great Gatsby, Beautiful and the Damned, Last Tycoon, these

sorts of books. I mean, by these sorts of books, I just mean books that I'm thinking of off the top of my head that I either haven't read or haven't read in a while and that are very old and they're out of copyright. I don't want to just read, you know, pulp and piffle. They have to be real, difficult books that penetrate the heart and soul, that are worth reading, that we can all grow together in the accumulation of, you know, like good old books, good old books, these sorts of books. And if people like it, that's great. and if they don't like it that's fine that's for me if it makes me happy that's one of the main important thing i mean obviously the main thing is having a boat i mean i i guess we'll get a couple of new people maybe that's look i'll tell

you my original idea my original idea was to take books that I wanted to read and just film myself reading them silently in my head. And then the thumbnail makes it look like an audio book, but then it's just me sitting there having cups of tea and reading Grapes of Wrath or something. Probably Grapes of Wrath. I've got a copy of Grapes of Wrath and I keep meaning to read it. But I said I would read it when I was done with Emma. I'm just going from the most feminine book I can find to the most masculine book i can find there are two genders grapes of wrath and emma anyway look if you'd like to just discuss in the preparatory stages books that you'd like to submit for consideration um just make sure they're out of copyright and they're short enough that i could read them in 10 hours aloud please eight let's say eight or six just that you could read them in one sitting aloud i don't mind talking for six hours and you know we'll get some lozenges or something but um

yeah please don't say infinite jest would be the worst possible book, because it's not in the public domain, and it's over a thousand and fifty, whatever, it's so many pages, so just short books, readable, allowed, we've got a nice set set up, we'll grow together, we'll know together, we'll blow together, it's going to be such a fun time, Hey, welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. So good to be here with you today. I got a letter from a listener and I'm going to open it up now. It was in my email. I have a publicly available email.

That's not the mail. That's the maps. Here we go. Scrolling down, scrolling down, scrolling down. Gee, I'm getting a lot of emails from the New York Times, despite never, ever reading the New York Times, scrolling down, ah, here we go, nope, not that one, scrolling down, and scroll, ah, here it is, the email is called, you hurt me, it's from Michael, is. The email is called You Hurt Me. It's from Michael. Michael writes, Captain James, in a recent episode of JDF MCP, which I have recently started to listen to and enjoy, you spoke to the

ladies with words of advice. You said, and I misquote, don't date in high school. No one marries who they date in high school. And if they do, that's gross. How dare you? I do remember saying that, Michael. Yeah, potentially was an overreach. I'm sure it could be done well and beautifully. My father married his high school sweetheart, writes Michael. I married my high school sweetheart. My brother married his high school sweetheart. My other brother married his high school sweetheart. We exist, in capitals.

We demand to be seen. I was very offended at being called gross. I've also been battling my whole adult life with thinking my wife was hot in high school. She was 16 when we started dating, and she was hot even before that. I would never want to sexualize a 16 year old yet here we are gross uh michael sweet michael my wife and i dated for seven years before marriage and i assure you man is not made for seven years of dating i'm sure you can imagine yes i can michael my uh one michael that next part of the email is very funny, but I'm cutting it out

because I don't know that you need that sort of heat. I haven't told you that I'm really, you've wrote this letter to me privately and I'll keep that discreet, but thank you for including that next bit. So anyway, Michael concludes, I wrote to rip you apart for your closed-minded bigotry against high school dating, but you have convinced me of its impracticality and grossness. You win. Anyway, it goes on.

Lastly, your website seems out of date. I was considering buying some mystery merch. Don't get your hopes up, and the website did not have a way to do so. Your events are from November. Your organizational skills may be your downfall. On the events, Michael. Correct. I need to update the events. There's only one show coming up at the moment that people can buy tickets to. Otherwise, I'm just opening for people and doing spots around town, but I will update that. Mystery merch I've taken down.

Time to have a little word about the mystery merch. I have sent almost all the mystery merch out. There are two pieces. The two most expensive people. Two people bought $250 mystery merch. Can you believe that? Wow. And I didn't want to just send them some crap. So I contacted Margot and I had her paint.

She ended up painting me, but I just said, can you paint something small? And she painted me very svelte for a beautiful big canvas, medium, small canvas. And so I've got paintings that Margot's done of me and they'll be sent out to the 250 people. And there's like a couple of other parcels that I have to send out, but there was like 50 pieces of mystery merch bought and I've sent out 45 of them and shipping in America is unbelievably expensive, and I did not seriously factor that in. I put, I think, $5 as a shipping fee in America, and I couldn't figure out how to add a shipping fee for the Australian purchases, so I think on the mystery merch, I'm very happy to have done it. I had money that I needed when I desperately needed it.

People have gone on the James Donald Forbes, McCann Catamaran plan, read it. Can you believe that such a thing exists? And they're posting their mystery merch and it's very beautiful. So as a community building and it's made you happy, that's great. Financially, ooh, ooh, it didn't work out. I think I've probably, I'm not going to do the maths on it,

but I think maybe there's a chance that I broke even. So until I can figure out how to do that, I'll figure out a way to do the mystery merch better in the future. But for now, I've just shut it down. So most of the mystery merch is with people by the time this comes out hopefully your mystery merch has arrived and uh will i ever do it again oh don't know it was too mysterious it's too i mean there are things like i only found out towards the end i said i sent someone a book um that i bought and i wrote on and then the lady

at the post office like oh this is a book did you want to send it at the special book rate? And I said, there's a special book rate? She said, yeah. And I was like, I didn't know there was a special rate for books. I would have just been sending books to people. Other things that came to mind, I mean, t-shirts are so affordable to send out. Massive wedding ornaments sent across the Pacific. One of them was like $80 American shipping. So that was dreadful. I just didn't know. And once I'd committed to it, I was committed to finishing it. I hope you enjoy your mystery merch.

I've long-term made no money out of it. But I have more money now than I did when I started it. So as a lend-lease scheme, it's good. I'm not a very good... Yeah, not a lot of the plans. What can I tell you? Not a lot of the plans make money. I really enjoyed doing it.

I got to spend a lot of time at op shops and the post office, two of my favourite places, thrift store. There's a last little bit to the email. Feel free to let Jacob Schmitz know. Happy birthday on your podcast, writes Michael. I don't know when his birthday is and I don't really care. He's a massive fan and a true evangelist of the James Donald Fawcett and Catamaran plan.

The man bought both your books of poetry. Did your wife even read all your poetry? No. I don't believe she did. I try and read all my poems to my wife before they come out so she can check them and censor the more egregious ones. But I don't think my wife reads my poetry for pleasure. He would love the joke of being told happy birthday in the wrong month. You know funny business better than me, so don't do it if it's not funny. Michael,

it's pretty funny. Jacob Schmitz, happy birthday. So wonderful to get through that letter. If you have a letter, there's a email on the website happy to get happy to get your letter i think there have been other letters and i've just been sufficiently disorganized that i man i've got to figure that there's so much to figure out i'll tell you this i'll tell you this are you ready i'm gonna tell you this i'll tell you this i took a break between the ultimate i'll tell you this and the penultimate tell you this although having just said tell you this now two more times

the order is thrown out I just stopped recording there and I forgot what I was going to say after it but listening for context I think what I was going to say is I need an assistant I need a

like a podcast producer I require someone to produce this podcast and my life. And I'm at the moment, the comedy career has gone great. And there are people around who are doing really great organizational things with my stand-up. I desperately need somebody. I need help.

I need an assistant. I need someone whose job it is to do the podcast. And we're not, oh, we're not quite successful enough to have an employee. We're not successful enough to get beyond eating butter pasta and going, you know, going for the budget car repairs when we need them. I will find an assistant. Sam Clark is great. He's so busy. And he just, he does the shooting stuff, you know?

Well, not the shooting stuff. They're like, no, the school shooting. He's a cameraman, a videographer. He's got a great mind, and he's a director. He's creative. What I need is someone who just loves minutiae, spreadsheets saying, James, we've organized all this stuff for you.

Please just show up here at this time. Absolutely, that's the thing holding me back. So, hey, if you listen to this podcast and you're the sort of person who loves just dotting the T's and crossing the I's and then going, hey, I've made a big mistake, why not also write me a letter? I've got a couple of people in mind who I think would be great at it. I need help. I have a problem. I have problems. Yeah, it's a problem.

It's a problem. But you know, I've got nothing. It is a problem. But we'll fix it. We're going to fix it. We? Me and who? I. Well, let's stay accountable. Here's an update on the current plans at work, none of which are giving a particular dopamine dosage. The new book of poems is about half done.

I need 38 poems for it to be as long as the previous two book of poems. Two books of poems. Now, there's a new comedy special slash documentary that Sam Clark is working on, and that's having its final edit. That's almost done. I'm working on my new stand-up comedy, Our. A new tour in Australia will be announced soon. When I'm back in Adelaide, I'm going to do a new material show, and then there'll be a great big tour that I'm doing with some wonderful, wonderful people. Wimbledog, my new script. I'm writing a new bit of that every day.

Brad's glove, just waiting on someone to give me hundreds of thousands of dollars so that we can make that. And that's basically it. That's where we're at on all those things. I don't think I've spoken about this on this podcast yet. I think I might have just spoken about it on the Patreon. But here's what's coming up soon for the family. We are driving off to Notre Dame this week.

We're leaving Steubenville. We've had a really lovely time here. It's just starting to turn into spring. I've made lots of wonderful friends who we're going to miss very much. But I can't really work here. If I can't work, my family can't live. So we're going to get in the car, which was just repaired for not a huge amount of money. That was a big, oh, that was a big crisis point this week when the car was making some terrible noises and the engine light came on. And the diagnostician said, this is going to cost you $2,500.

I went to someone else and they said, this is $700. So that was great. And then the other thing, I got my laptop back. And they said, if there's water damage in this laptop, we're going to charge you $900. Which is just cheaper to buy a new laptop at that point. And if there's not water damage, it's free, guess what, no water damage, we winning, that was two technological dependencies that could have absolutely destroyed me this week, and neither one of them destroyed me, so

Jimmy's on top, we drive from here to Notre Dame, we have an Airbnb in South Bend, Indiana for a few days and then we're going to drive down to Austin and then shortly after we drive down to Austin, we get in a plane and we fly to Orlando where I'll be opening for Matt McCusker and we'll bring the families. We're going to go to Disney World. That's going to be absolutely terrific.

I'll see if I can't record another one of these podcasts, podcasts, I will not edit it, I will not take it out, I will leave it in for you, anyway, we're going there, and I was like a crazy person talking, Jimmy, I mean, you're sitting alone in it. I'm having a lot of big feelings because we're moving. We're going again. And then we're going back to Australia and back here. And it just feels, it feels nuts. For a genuine moment, it feels nuts. I haven't had a haircut in three months. I lost all this weight when I got here I think I'm gaining all this weight again now how does a man gain and lose 10 kilograms we're losing gain I haven't done any exercise

since arriving in America it's March got here in January the weather's starting to heat up I feel so I need to get a haircut I need to ritualistically chop off my hair. I think that's the only way forward for me.

We're leaving this week. So it's this weird, like, packing up stage of being in the house where we have to have everything ready to go and everything clean, but also have it livable. Like, you can't pack everything up because you you still have to live there i've really enjoyed my time in stevenville it's a great town we've got to go we've got to go and hopefully we'll drive safe anna freer who's the co-driver has never driven in america before it's fine

it'll have to be fine we've got to do some eight hour days and we're going to see north south a different slice of the country i got to go from nashville to pittsburgh last time this time the big drive will be from near chicago down to austin so right down the guts i don't know where the bible belt is is that it either way it'll be a great time. And then, yeah, when we're back from Disney World, we'll be back in Austin and a list. I mean, this was, again, if there's one theme to this time in America, it's that things seem to almost go wrong and then turn out absolutely fine. Like, I should have more faith.

I should have more faith. I'm spiritually hobbled. I've got to work on that. I've got to do that. I've got to cooperate with the work of my own salvation. What was I even talking about? Jim, man! Oh, the answer to a prayer. A podcast listener has lined me up with a friend of theirs who's leaving Austin to go on a holiday, and we're going to get to house sit. I mean, that's just, I think we just have to look after the cats. Yes, we will do that.

Thank you very much. I also found out about Austin. I'd been looking at houses. There's a lake not far out of town, and it looks beautiful. And it's quite affordable to live near this enormous, beautiful lake near Austin. And I was talking to this listener, and he said, ah, yeah, you don't want to live out there with the lake trash. And it's, of course, there would be a reason. I didn't realize it was a rough and tumble area. I just thought it was, maybe people were afraid of water. Anyway, we don't know where we're going

to live in Austin. We'll be there for a couple of weeks to have a look and to consider that. I bought tickets this week, two days ago. So we have our departure date from Australia and our return date to America. And close personal friend, Kieran Hookway. Sweet Kieran Hookway, who we're all praying for as he prepares for matrimony. And I'm just going to miss the man's wedding. It's by a couple of weeks. And I feel dreadful about it.

We can't make it. We can't get back there in time and have enough money to come back to Adelaide. So, Kieran and Rosie, we're thinking of you and we feel just dreadful about it and we'll try and be there for you in your marriage, even though we can't be there for the wedding. Anyway, Kieran's helped us find a place to stay because he's the nicest guy in the world. And I send my heartfelt apologies for not being able to make it there. We live in exile. wow, anyway, that's basically where I'm at, sorry, it's just, I think I've got a couple new good minutes, it's weird, the consolation, you find you're like, everything is in chaos, everything is shifting all the time, how do we keep the right amount of food in the house to

not have wastage and also not spend a lot of money and also we can't be here beyond six days, I mean, that's like a weird equation, but usually you just, I mean, how often do you have to move? You have to figure that out when you're moving, but we're, I really, I don't know what I need to do to feel, probably just exercise, probably just exercise. I'm going to try exercising, I'm going to go for a walk, a brisk walk, a brisk walk in my new shoes, because I'm trying to wear them in, and they hurt my feet, and maybe I've made a terrible mistake in buying those shoes, gee, that would be silly to have spent $70 on a new pair of shoes, and then you find out you don't like them a little bit later than you meant to, won't it be nice to read the great, won't it be nice, that's my fantasy,

like when I was in Adelaide, I had this fantasy of, ah, we'll be in America, and striving for greatness, and now I'm in America striving for greatness, and it's like, ah, we'll be back in Adelaide, reading great works of literature and a cozy little life i love you i miss you i want you i need you here's a song i spent too long making today and i don't think it's pleasant keep it real everybody catamaran ho fairly well goodbye see you soon. Talk soon. so My mom is getting gangsta today My mom is getting gangsters and thugs And I'm on the top of the line I'm on the top of the line Thank you. We'll see you next time. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you,

whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca.