The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - green bay

Episode Date: June 17, 2024

Join the sailing club to contribute financially to James Donald Forbes McCann's journey to boat ownership AND you'll get to watch the GOD SAVE THE KING special and important video: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccannBuy the several books written by James Donald Forbes McCann: https://www.jdfmccann.com/books Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! and I'm here to tell you about the new Google Pixel 9 powered by Gemini. Anyone who knows me knows the Pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now, with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant. Since I'm truly terrible at keeping up with emails,

I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver. And if I'm feeling stuck creatively, I just ask Gemini for help, and bam! Instant inspiration. You can learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessi Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend.

I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts.

Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Oh, I was talking into the wrong microphone. Hey, it's great to be with you here on the James Donald Forza Can catamaran plan. It is the program where I, James Donald Forza Can, am trying to buy a boat. Thanks to all of you lovely listeners who have just presumably listened to some advertising. And as soon as I can be asked getting around to invoicing the company that's doing the advertising, there will be

some money for the boat. $500,000! $500,000! Is the amount of money that we're trying to get. I'm recording this episode right at the buzzer. It's 11.15pm coming out for a 12pm deadline. Excuse me, I meant to say 12am. A 12pm deadline would be

very easy at this point. But let me tell you, it's been a strong. And what a strong it's been. It's been a very strong. I don't like to say week when it's as strong as this. Eight days is strong. Strong period of time indeed. I'm so tired.

I'm so tired. I got back last night from the whirlwind weekend opening for the great Shane Gillis. We were in a town just outside of Chicago. The name of which escapes me right now. I should look it up. It was Rockford, Illinois. And I'm sorry to say that I got to see practically none of Rockford, Illinois. Because we got in and we drove to the stadium arena.

We drove to the big, big building where it was happening. There is apparently a difference between a stadium and an arena. I think it's a number of persons, but it was one of them. And then after the show, we got right back in a car and on a plane taking us to Green Bay. And seriously, a wonderful time I had in Green Bay. A lot of drinking, a lot of good times with the Green Bay Packers. I'm now...

Oh, it's very hard not to be a Green Bay Packer fan, having met that wonderful team and all the wonderful people of Green Bay, sampling their cheeses, drinking their... I believe it was called Spotted Cow. It was an excellent beer. Working on my Wisconsin... Oh, yeah, no.

No, yeah. That's my Wisconsin accent Oh, yeah, no. No, yeah. That's my Wisconsin accent. Always a good sign with doing an accent if you have to say what it is after you and before you do it. I'm Scottish. You know, that sort of thing. That was my Scottish accent. And then a whirlwind trip home. And now I'm at home.

Our chia was hung over. We drank a huge amount of alcohol on the plane. But I'm home now. I managed to get through the day. Not in good form, honestly. Rough. And then I tell you, in the strong to come, there's so much to do. I've got to finish planning this trip back to Australia

and the upcoming Australia tour that will be announced soon. I believe I'll be doing gigs in Perth, Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne and my native sweet Adelaide. And we'll be back there for, I guess, a little over a month. It will be nice to see so many wonderful Australian people again and hear the Australian accent. You white dog! Oh, feel the oppressive eye of the Australian bureaucracy

as I go exactly the speed limit so as not to arise the ire of the speeding cameras that are so profligately littered across my otherwise splendid nation. Is it aroused the ire? Ah, I've gone too hard too long. I've gone too hard too long and it's going to be very nice to take a break by doing a five-city tour. Oh, sweet listeners.

I shaved my beard off this week, and I feel very silly. It was too hot in Austin. I was too panicked by, you know, the world, and so I shaved the beard off. I left a little moustache, went a little too tight, didn't approach the Hitlerian. Who can say? You'll be able to say next time you see me when there's a resumed visual component on this podcast. But yes, the beard's gone. That's the sound of a cheek being slapped, which was, oh, it would have been like a matinee gloves coming together had I done that with a beard. But now it's just pure, fresh,

skin-on-skin action. I'll tell you what we're going to do today. We're going to do advice. I mean, I'm obviously in one of the worst positions to give advice that I've ever been in. Still hungover and just monstrously sleepy. But let's do the advice. People send in requests for advice. Who am I to deny you the pearls of wisdom? Which I think is their name.

Eve has come up with the advice column eve by the way let me let you know this eve is doing some wonderful work behind the scenes preparing i think we're going to shoot eight episodes with visual component of the catamaran plan next week and then there'll be just a whole lot ready to go and then you know i can keep doing the podcast updates like uh during i can keep doing fresh new updates like, I can keep doing fresh, new, hot podcasts, but at least we'll have some in the can so that when your friend and mine, James Donald Forbes McCann, comes back from Green Bay utterly hungover after a wonderful weekend with the Packers, you can still have a piece of quality rather than just some crumb half-assing it

with the advice column. Let's get to the advice. Okay, first piece of advice. Wednesday is pizza night with my kids. X Let's get to the advice. Okay, first piece of advice. Wednesday is pizza night with my kids. Ex feeds them before drop off. Help? What a difficult situation. Your pizza night there being subverted by their mother, presumably. I would hope that an ex who is not their mother isn't getting involved and doing that and spoiling your pizza night. There are many solutions to this.

Having an open and honest conversation with your ex, the baby mama, that might be a great start. Another great start, if you need them to eat and they've already eaten, clear space by having them vomit. Have a little room set aside when they enter the house, you know, fully fed, they think, incorrect, over to the vomit room. Vomitorium doesn't mean that. It means something very different. That's what I understand from reading on Wikipedia about it and watching an episode of QI. It's probably. I don't remember

where I have that fact. Make them vomit. I mean, you could just tit for tat do something bad to her as well. Honestly, I'm sorry to do a weak, soft, normal advice column. You probably have to have a conversation about it. If this is an important thing for you. And yeah, she'll come back and she'll say, I've got to feed him. Fuck you. You know, my advice would be to just try and be the bigger man. I know it's a challenge.

I'm praying for you. Sounds bad. Next one. I have a triangular sphincter. What do I do? I've already's a challenge. I'm praying for you. It sounds bad. Next one. I have a triangular sphincter. What do I do? Have I already done this one? Do we have multiple sphincter shape questions here? Well, I suppose you do a pop at your beautiful triangular sphincter,

which is, by the way, a good name for a band. Baby names. Help! Are Old Testament names off limits for a good Catholic boy name? Ah, yes, when you're rolling with the Catholics, especially the converts, especially the very zealous converts, there is a little blowback if you pick a name that's not a saint name, because in the tradition, that's what we should be doing. But of course, all the saints had to be, you know know at some

point there weren't saints who had those names so i would have to think that was a pious tradition more than it is a hard and fast rule you'd be shocked at how many of the favorite names you want are saints names there are so many so i wanted to name my son Hercules. I wasn't allowed to do that, but I did manage to go out and find a Saint Hercules who was not contemporaneous with the original Hercules, but I thought I could get it across the line that way. Yeah, I say go for it. I mean, be a bit careful with you. I wouldn't go with an Old Testament name like Jezebel.

I'd go with, you know, but I think there's nothing wrong with a little Joseph. A little Joseph in his little technicolor dream coat running around. Doesn't that sound very sweet indeed? Adam. Nothing wrong with Adam. Eve. Great name. My Jewish producer's name.

Lilith wouldn't do it. Although I believe Lilith is a Talmudic name rather than an Old Testament name. Okay. Someone writes, where are great places to meet single cultured women? I'll give you a whole heap off the top of the dome. The bookstore, the art house, cinema, the wine shop, the library, and who could forget the opera and the operetta and the theatre. Genuinely, none of these may work and uh i don't know what the rules are on randomly approaching women now so much of it is done through the apps give the apps a shot although

i don't really believe in the apps you gotta smell a woman if you know you're meant to be together something to do with the pheromones all right how do you tell your buddy he's an alcoholic slash weed abuser without him spazzing out. Wait until he's high on the marijuana rather than drunk on the alcohol. I think that's probably the better way to do it. Just with my knowledge of those drugs. Someone says, warts on penis. My friend had an issue. Yeah, right, Ben. Go to a doctor. None of us want to go to a doctor for our penile troubles, but take it for one who knows it's worth doing. I had to get a circumcision. I think if I'd gone earlier, I could have just had a little cream go on there, but there we have it. Someone says, I'm trying to figure out if I'm

capable of being a patriarchal figure for my future fam. Well, I'd like to think you are, whoever you are, but I'll tell you this, I wasn't. It's one of those things that's done in the doing, you know. I hear all these people say, ah, before we have kids, I'm going to get my life together. I want to be organized. I'm not ready to have kids. I'm just a little kid myself. No, you have the kids and then you're so afraid you change.

And why would you make the changes if you didn't have that level of fear? Go raw, leave it in, have the kids, become better, become better, post-factum, post-partum. Next one. No advice, just rank the top 10 American fast food items as someone not born in the US. I'm afraid I'm unable to make that list as I've yet to sample Dairy Queen. I'm told Dairy Queen is outstanding and I've just seen their advertisements. I've never had Dairy Queen, people say it's great I've never had Jack in the Box

and people say that's not great I thought In-N-Out, I mean I'll go some random ones In-N-Out burger was good Taco Bell doesn't really do it for me I love Wendy's I love the Dave's single at Wendy's McDonald's roughly the same as Australia bit different, certain bits and pieces

Griddles. Unbelievable stuff. Ah, sorry, my phone is going off. I'm reading the, I've mostly moved, I'm stumbling over the words. Ha, let's leave it in. Let's be warts and all about it. Why hide? No, because it's unprofessional. I'm mostly off my old phone and onto the dumb phone when I'm out and about. Screen time is hemorrhaging. I don't know if that's the verb that I wanted to use there, but I've got these advice things written down on the phone. And so I'm, of course, back to using the old smartphone

rather than the new midwit-type phone. Oh, and I got an alert from the AFl app which is the australian football league and i it's an opportunity to say this i know that i said everybody should become a crows fan and they were going to become america's team and i still hold out hope for that but gee i don't think this year is picking us up too many new fans i I believe we've lost three in a row. I'm very sorry to anyone who's been following along the Adelaide Crows with me. It's heartbreaking. That was one of the big things when I was deciding whether or not I'd come to America. I really thought, but this, you know, 2024, that's going to be the year for the Crowboys. I wouldn't want to miss that.

And as it turns out, never has there been a year i've been so pleased to miss although i haven't missing it i've subscribed to the watch i have to unsubscribe from watch afl because i am just yeah my i don't want to watch it anymore we suck and it's one thing to suck you know when you're going down and you're getting draft picks and you're ready to come back up. We just suck. We came down. We were on the way back up. This is meant to be the year. And we have not done that. So sorry to all the Adelaide Crows. New sign-ups for this year.

Next year in Jerusalem, Adelaide Crows fans. Next question. I have to move on. I can't think about the Crows anymore. It's upsetting me a great deal. It's unbelievable how much it upsets me. My partner is going to teach English in Japan for 12 months. As much as I'll miss him, and then it says 1 slash 2,

and I don't see the second part of the question here. So all I can say is, I think that means thank you very much. Why do men need and love women? E.g. Braveheart or The Last of the Mohicans, Kata Moran Ho. Why do we need and love women? I mean, how do I?

Life is a mystery. It's not meant to be solved. Of course it would be easier if we were all gay. But even then, I think gay men need women. Socialising, telling them that their outfits are hideous. We all need women. Women are very important. Women are very special.

Women are very nice. Gee, I like women. Wish more of them would listen to the podcast so I could buy a boat. I spend all my spare time drinking and hooning vapes is there not more to life well i mean there's women if you listen to the last one women women are very important women are very good gee i like women thank you to all our women listeners that is the reason by the way that we do this advice column it's because the women like it if you're a man you're getting out of this anything getting out of this anything james

you're too tired but we must go through to the end. We must fulfill the time. We must finish the podcast. We must finish the podcast. That's the only way that I'm going to get a boat. If I'm too tired to do a podcast, we'll never have a boat. It must be done. Routine.

Regularity. Excellence. Greatness. How do I get my Catholic Bible study group to stop listening to satanic Pentecostal music? In matters of taste, there can be no argument degustibus decor i don't know what it is in latin but uh yeah you can't ask people to like different music even if that music is satanic pentecostal music which i assume is just normal pentecost music turned upside down so it's an upside down pentagram uh can you give advice on

not chasing the pun tang someone asks someone asks. It's an excellent question, as we just outlined how big a fan I am of women. Not just, of course, for sexual purposes, but yes, it's often very nice to have sex with a woman. There are many ways to stop chasing, as you say it, the poontang. You said poontang, but I'm guessing you mean poontang. You said patang, but I'm guessing you mean poontang. Internal validation. One wants external validation. Seek first the kingdom of God, the highest, best things, you know,

not just the lower base carnal type things like patang. Oh, this is a difficult question. I mean, I would say maybe exercise, but I think overall if you exercise, the circulation gets better and your sex drive will come up. So it may be an immediate solution to being horny, but long term you'll probably be more horny. So maybe just become impossibly fat. I mean, develop some willpower. Deny yourself things.

Many pieces of advice. You can do many contradictory things and they'll all help. Or they won't help at all. I'm praying for you. Prayer is probably an answer. Cure for the cultural cringe someone asked someone's looking for a cure for the cultural cringe have a better culture genuinely the cultural cringe is there for a good reason and it's because i mean in australia we talk about the cultural cringe or we go oh yeah that's australian that must be second rate i'll read you a little something about the cultural cringe for the american listeners oh Ah, here we go.

This is from Wikipedia. The term cultural cringe was coined in Australia after the Second World War by the Melbourne critic and social commentator A.A. Phillips, defined in an influential and highly controversial 1950 essay of the same name, published in the summer 1950 edition of the literary journal, Mianjin. And just on the topic of the cultural cringe, I can't stand Meangin. It's a two-bit nonsense, weak Australian literary magazine. And this article explored ingrained feelings of inferiority

that local intellectuals struggled against and which were mostly pronounced in Australian theatre, music, art and letters. And yet, I mean, here's my counterpoint to this about the cultural cringe. Australian theatre, music, art and letters are so frequently second- second rate we champion mediocrity and a little slap on the back for the person we went to university with now of course this doesn't count for me because the people i went to university with are excellent real fantastic top-notch thinkers but other people it's a boy's club or a girl's club or a boy girl club whatever they suck so in answer to your question has that answered your question next one dear answered your question? Next

one. Dear James, any advice on how to make my house nicer? I'm renting, by the way, so presumably painting is out. Get yourself some rugs. Get yourself some pillows. Get yourself some fine art on the wall. Get yourself a little plant. I mean, listen, I don't know anything about interior design. I'm not the man to do an advice podcast i don't know anything about the cultural cringe i don't know anything about puss hair i don't know anything about how to make the house better but i'll tell you what you can probably combine a couple of those and um go out find a woman move her into your house and ask her to go out and find some interior design things that she can do women are so much better at interior design on average than men because they need it they need it. They need to be in a beautiful space. That's important for them.

That's not important for us. I've seen the homes where the men live. Anyway, that could very easily be a hack comedy premise. And I'll move on. But you know what I'm trying to say? I'm sorry. Next one. Oh, we're done? No. Hold on. Wait a minute. It's the second part to that other one. I think I'll enjoy the time to myself. This is the person whose partner is going to Japan. I'll enjoy the time to myself. Does that make me a bad person? Absolutely it does.

All right. So we've done that. We've moved right along now to the final piece of the podcast. Now, is that an annoying way to edit the podcast? Or is that how everyone would like me to do the editing from now on? Just with a great many unnecessary doubled lines. Or indeed we could move on to a tripling. I mean, my goodness me, we could even make that a quintupling.

You'll have to excuse me. We'll move on from that immediately. No, we won't. Five. Here's a poem. It's a poem that's not going to be in my book of poems because I wrote it after my book of poems was finished. But this one is called Suffering. Life is full of suffering like when you buy

overalls for your children and the overalls are in the dryer and you're trying to go to sleep but it sounds like there's a million coins in the dryer there are other kinds of suffering as well i suppose like when you drink two big spicy margaritas on a very hot day and then when you're trying to sleep your tummy feels weird you know suffering so that's one for the book of poems subsequent oh let's have another poem here's one from i wrote while i was in portland but after i did the last episode i think i don't think it's on the last episode if architecture was important for the soul then portland wouldn't be what portland is today you've never seen such truly tasteful city planning. You've never seen so many homeless

gays. Man, there's just so many of them traipsing through the splendid village green here and there and everywhere. The F8 Schizophren. And I just gave up writing that one because it seemed mean spirited. Now, what I'm going to play for you is the song that I was working on. It's a cover, and at some point I'm going to sing over it, but this is what is currently existing of the backing track. Four points if you can guess what song it is. And those points can be redeemed for nothing. Here's a song. Hey, I love you. I miss you. I want you. I need you. Catamaran Ho. We forgot to do the pledge. I pledge that I'll tell people about the podcast. All right. Pledge complete. I love you. Affirmation. I hereby affirm that I will come up with a better pledge.

Affirmation. I will record all those episodes of the podcast with Eve so that we just have good quality podcast episodes coming out in the future. Affirmation. I'm going to persist with the dumb phone even though I'm really not enjoying having a dumb phone and Uber often doesn't work and the whole Uber app crashes. That's not enough having a dumb phone, and Uber often doesn't work, and the whole Uber app crashes. That's not enough of a... Maybe I'll just get Didi or one of the other ones. I've got to finish one of these damn projects that I'm working on. Book of Poems, sort of done, but it's not out yet.

There's still busy work to do to get that done. I've got to finish my comedy special, and I've got to finish all these sketch ideas, and I've got to finish this album of songs by women. Cover Up coming out whenever I finish it. Big thank you to everybody who joined the Patreon. So many new Patreon sign-ups. That's so nice. Thank you. Teksting av Nicolai Winther Thank you. Teksting av Nicolai Winther Thank you. I'll see you next time. all the phones I've ever had. Now with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant.

Since I'm truly terrible at keeping up with emails, I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver. And if I'm feeling stuck creatively, I just ask Gemini for help and bam, instant inspiration. You can learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend.

I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting The Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween.

Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators

launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com.