The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - have a strong

Episode Date: January 22, 2023

Get your tickets to the Adelaide Fringe show! Use codeword Catamaran for 50% off. Offer valid until January comes to an end and abrasive February is upon us.https://adelaidefringe.com.au/fringetix/the-james-donald-forbes-mccann-catamaran-plan-extravagan-za-af2023Join the patreon for more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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CBC News. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show.

I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com The orchestra takes their seats.

They are beautiful. The seats. Also the orchestra. We sit in incredible arousal. It is as arousing as a Chinese person with a French accent. Do you know what I mean? No. You never will.

But where is the conductor? Ah, here he is. Wait, is this the orchestra? Or is this the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan? I love you, conductor. Sweet conductor. Let me be a gift to you. Let me begin by saying thank you to everybody

who has bought tickets for the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan extravagan. What's up? It's, uh, I think we've sold almost 50. Which is incredible. It's really... It's a long way away. It's not until March 11, and we've already sold 50 of our 600 tickets. So that's going well.

Up until the end of this month, it's two for one if you use the code word catamaran. So if you think you will come, now is a good time to buy those tickets. And if you think you won't come, people always say that. If you like the show, tell a friend. If you didn't like the show, tell someone you don't like. They'll probably hate you because you're an idiot. There's a million variations on that. Thank you to the people who have written to me saying,

you're not in Adelaide and you'd like to come but you're unable. I think we will be able to record bits of it or I'll bring some of it on tour. But it's pretty. I don't know what I can commit to at the moment because all I know is that there has to be a show and it's pretty nebulous as to what that show is actually going to be. I have an idea for a song, first of all.

I have an idea for a song, first of all. I have an idea for sketches. And I have, at the moment, I would say, I've got like 15 minutes of hot new stand-up that's ready to go. And about an hour of stand-up that's not very good. But I think I have an MC gig this week. So I might try and just use new material, and then when things aren't going very well, always a great opportunity to bring the next act up onto the stage. I finished doing my joke about Chinese people with French accents turning me on. Didn't go well. Did that the other night. Did that one. It's more complicated than the way that I've described it on the podcast. But boy, I won't be ever explaining what that joke was or saying it again.

And wow. Yeah, so I'll just try and do new material at this hosting gig on Friday and we'll see how much I can get done. It's great hosting for trying new material because, you know, you just keep getting to leave and reflect on how the night's going and having someone else go on stage and coming back. Oh, of course, if the comedians are bad,

you can't really stuff around and do new material because you have to focus and get the show back on track. And I haven't checked who's at the gig. But am I above just torpedoing the show? Yes. It's been a while since I've torpedoed the show and just done what I wanted to do. And you know what?

That's fine when it's your own show. But when someone else is paying you a small but meaningful lump of money to emcee a show, by goodness gracious, you do a professional job. Now, when you just get to do your own show in your car, in your Volvo, your podcast, and the only people paying you are the people who love you and want to see the show thrive. Well, by all means, at that point, go absolutely nuts.

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold. And she's not allowed to work as a gold merchant anymore. Hang in there, Donut King. I believe in you. Don't let those newer, better donut shops get you down. These donut republics. When it comes to birds, they say one in the hand is worth two in the bush. But personally, I'd rather have two in the bush. I don't mind one in the hand, but it's better in the bush, isn't it?

Even one in the bush would be fine. I'd take one in the bush over two in the hand, if anything. How many in the hand is worth one in the bush? Like ten? Twenty-five? After, thirty in the hand. I'd be getting pretty angry I hadn't had one in the bush yet. Why do they call them the working class? They don't work and they've got no class.

And they say that history is written by the victors, but why should that disqualify? Why wouldn't the victors be magnanimous? Why wouldn't the victors have regret, man? Wouldn't the victors be weeping, mourning a dead friend, wondering if the victory was worthwhile? Speaking to you once again from the Volvo. The office, I think, is on its way. It's not here yet. Oh, you have to...

I went to a meeting this week, and it was a good meeting and a positive meeting. And the people who have the office said we will put you forward to the other person who has power and so now I I wait for the other person who has power to yay or nay the office idea and uh still in the Volvo still working through the week very busy week working at McDonald's again not in the kitchen just out busy week, working at McDonald's. Again, not in the kitchen. Just out in the lobby of the McDonald's. I don't know how much I have spoken about that in the past, but... Some of it might have been on the Patreon. Please feel free to go and sign up to the Patreon if you so choose.

We're up to like 50 people now, it's incredible. That boat money flowing in. Oh... like 50 people now. It's incredible. That boat money flowing in. Not quite enough so that I'm not working in a McDonald's though. McDonald's is the best place to work, by the way. If you're a remote copywriter, if you're not having a lot of meetings and you just need to sit and do a large amount of work, McDonald's really is the place to go. Now, a nice cafe seems like it'll be the nice place to go. And I think... I think J.K. Rowling wrote the first Harry Potter in a cafe like that.

Because there was no space at home. And I think she had a little baby. I don't know the story. But for me, McDonald's is the place to go. You go to a nice little cafe. And they don't want you there. They want to move you on. You know?

Unless it's a very unsuccessful cafe and you know the people well. And then you're... You sort of... You make the cafe look more successful than it is, all it is is that you're having coffee. But a lot of these cafes now, the ones where they don't want you there, they won't have power outlets. And the number of small businesses that I've gone and scoped out to see if there are power outlets. Also, I note that in a McDonald's in a bad part of town,

often they won't have power outlets either because they don't want you there. They'll sometimes have USB ports, which is, you know, by all means, by all means, get on your iPhone, have a convenient iPhone, but don't you be getting out your laptop. Not interested in having those sorts of shenanigans. So I sit at the Lux McDonald's getting out your laptop. Not interested in having those sorts of shenanigans.

So I sit at the Luxe McDonald's and I churn out the work and, um... Bwaaaah! It's just a lot of things haven't quite come to fruition and are underway. And that is always a frustrating time for me. I like the dopamine that comes with finishing.

I'm working on this children's book. Lined up a great illustrator, I think. First draft done. Lots of work left to be done. I really just thought you could sort of piss out a children's book without too much care or thought, and that'll be pretty much the same. But no! could sort of piss out a children's book without too much care or thought and they'd all be pretty much the same.

But no! Turns out you can revise it and make it better. Which is a bit of a kick in the pants. I love, I love just ease. Ah. And I'm trying to get better at... It's a lifelong goal of getting better at... At the not-fun side of work that it takes to get better.

This is one of the nice things with stand-up comedy, is the only way you can get better at it is by doing it. Again, I don't know if I've said this before, but, like... Everything else, you can work on the fundamentals. If it's a sketch, even, you can practice the sketch. Stand-up comedy, practicing your stand-up comedy does not make you better at stand-up comedy. When, you know, sometimes I'll go and stay with a comedian, whatever, and you might hit them in the shower going over their bits.

And then I said, that's not a refrigerator, that's my wife! And you become more robotic and actually worse at doing the stand-up comedy by rehearsing it. Like what you want is to just develop the skill over time of speaking to the audience as audience, like as individual people. I've expressed that extremely badly. What you think beforehand is, ah, I'll go and talk to the audience. But then when you actually do it, it's not that, right? It's, ah, I'll go and talk to a hundred individuals who will congeal to be an audience, the body of the audience.

But they're still individual people having an individual experience. And if you're talking to all of them at the same time, in a real conversation, that's where the magic can happen. It's one of the reasons I, you know, when someone shouts out and they get a real response back from the comedian, it's magical. Because everyone sort of suspects that they're part of a conversation. Is this a conversation or is the person just reading off a script? And then when there's a heckle and a tailored response where the person doesn't miss a beat, oh, it's a joy. It's a joy. You can be half as funny for twice the laughs it's a four-time magnifier if you get that right and it's also why when someone gets a stock response when someone's like

and the comedian's like uh can you shut the f**k up sorry i want to i don't want to curse because i'm not editing this one good luck with. Because it is already four minutes late. I'm just finishing this and popping it straight up. Good luck with that. It's the sort of week it's been. But I don't want to have a week. I want to have a strong. What else have I done?

It's been an extremely full week. But I have so little to show for it to you. And I'm sorry. I'm doing this thing with Eve Ellenbogen where ideally I'm taking my show to Edinburgh. Well, she's taking my show to Edinburgh, and we're going to use that to get notoriety about the podcast out in the UK.

So I've had to fill out this. The application forms are not fun, let me tell you that, and I've had this huge amount of work that I've had to do so that my family can continue to live, I wrote about, I don't know man, seven different car models for a panel beating company, it was very boring, and I think... ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I found my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show.

I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God phone a friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com This particular client might be getting ready to get rid of me because I don't think I was particularly good when our son arrived early. I had some work come in late. You know, and if people want to ignore... Here's... It's like Survivor, right? Like, if you're in the tribe, this is in the office place, in Survivor,

friends, family, if someone's in the tribe, this is in the office place, in Survivor, friends, family. If someone's in your tribe, religious sectarianism, if someone's in the tribe, there's nothing they can do that's so bad. What about stabbing somebody in the throat with an AIDS needle? Just about. There's nothing they can do that's so bad to kick them out. And if they are outside the tribe, the smallest indiscretion is grounds for exile. Or chucking rocks at them till they die. It's a weird...

It's really weird. It's weird. I know we live in a tribal world now, and I know Marshall McLuhan saw it coming, but a little part of me always thinks, oh, no. No, there's a broad, there's a middle, there's a centre, there's a society,

there's a mainstream media that you can still... Nah. I know it's all over. I see it's all over, but it doesn't feel like it's all over. Like, I still feel like going on the project would mean something, even though obviously that's not true i mean just obviously that's because it it hasn't meant anything for anyone in ages remember waleed ali used to go on the project this is this is a show i don't know

how to explain it to um i don't think i don't know if there's an American version of this. It's like a breakfast, it's like a morning TV show, but when the normal news should be. So it's just four people sitting around a table, and instead of just going, here's what happened in the world, they'll do like one quarter of the news, right? They'll do a very shallow breakdown of, there's a war in Ukraine, and then it's just four people going, oh, it's not good war, is it?

And someone else will go, oh, it really makes my heart hurt. And then the fourth one will have a zinger like, Ukraine, Ukraine, your neck to look over a fence. They'll be a little bit funnier than that, but really only by a very, very, very little bit. And that sort of thing, that sort of marquee television, why am I obsessed with that being over? Why don't I really believe it?

Man, I love Survivor. I mean, that's marquee. That's a documentary film i can get behind if i could get on survivor i'd be so happy i'd be really bad at it all i'm doing now when i'm watching survivor with my wife is comparing to like if i went on survivor what would i be like you know obviously the challenge is i'm a big fat man and i wouldn't um naturally be considered a threat and i would take survivor as a wonderful opportunity to lose weight, just to be forced to eat rice,

for as long as I'm allowed to be on the show. Excuse me, a little Riesling burp there. Man, I had a... Oh, I had an interaction with a man in the Bottle-O that upset me today. I... the bottle-o that upset me today. I saw a bottle of wine that was from Alcesh Lorraine that was on special, and I'm listening to a podcast at the moment about the rise of the Nazis, and I thought, wouldn't it be nice to have a little Alcesh Lorraine wine? And it said that they've grown this Alces Lorraine's wine since 1470, whatever,

a very long time ago. And I thought that this is the wine they would have been sipping, the little Alsish families, as the stormtroopers thunder through the Rhineland. Thunder through the Rhineland. So I took the wine up to the counter, and the man behind the counter said, Have you had this before? And I said, No, I haven't.

And he said, It's very sweet. And I said, Okay. And he said, All right, it's your funeral. And I was so furious. I said, I didn't say anything, but I just thought, who do you think you are, bottle shop attendant? You think you're a sommelier, Dan Murphy's employee? You don't know me.

You don't know what this wine is for. You don't know if it's good wine, I'll bet. You're selling the wine. As a representative of the Dan Murphy's Corporation. And so I took that wine home, as well as a bottle of Riesling, committed that I would enjoy that Alceste Lorraine wine. And I opened it up. One of the worst wines I've ever had. Way too sweet.

Other stuff going on as well. That guy was absolutely right, and I really wish that my attitude hadn't gotten in the way. People at bottle shops have a hard time because, you know, they have to sell booze to alcoholics. And that's sad. I remember my brother used to work at the casino, dealing cards to gambling addicts that's sad. I remember my brother used to work at the casino. Dealing cards to gambling addicts. Also sad.

I don't know a sad job that I've had like that. Selling Foxtel door-to-door in regional South Australia. That's pretty sad. But not the same way because no one is a cable TV addict anymore. Because no one's watching cable TV. It's all on the internet. Man, the internet's so good. YouTube's so good.

Little documentaries people are making, so good. The standard, the video quality, exceptional. The standard in video quality of television, I mean... Mercy, mercy me. It's a ghetto. Was the carriage made for horses, or were horses made for carriages? Was marriage made for sex, or was sex made for marriages? Were necks made for necklaces, or necklaces for necks? Was sex made for marriages, or marriages for sex or was sex made for marriages? Were necks made for necklaces or necklaces for necks? Was sex made for marriages or

marriages for sex? I'm trying to get better at the fundamentals. I'm trying to... Example, I play piano and not well. Whenever someone says, can you play the piano? I go, oh, I haven't messed around, you know. And then someone who's seen me play piano will go, no, he can play piano. But I go, I can look like I play piano a bit, but if you give me some sheet music, I can't actually do anything.

But I have this book now that was written by Mark Freer. Wonderful man. Anna Freer's dad. If you're familiar with the contributions that Anna Freer has made to growing this podcast with certain European differently abled people. And it's a book where you start, like it's the most basic sheet music at the start, and then it just gets more and more complicated.

And it's just one little bit different. So you can figure it out as you go along. Without it giving you instructions, you get it. And I got to the point that I've gotten to when I was a child, learning to play piano and read sheet... Excuse me! A little burp there. Sheet music, which was...

The left hand and the right hand are playing different melodies melodies or they're playing a melody in a round. And that is as far as I got to. I can do chords with one hand or a bass line with one hand and a melody with the other hand or both hands doing chords while I sing. sing i can even do a bass line i think i could probably even do a bass line with one hand and like chords with the other hand and uh sing it at the same time but the thought of getting both hands to do something different one melody here one melody there oh it's like it felt like being five again when i sat down to try and learn how to do it now. And I remember when I was a kid, my parents would be like,

ah, James, that's where it all fell apart for you. You couldn't do different things with both hands. And I just always had thought this was something that I'd never be able to do. And then I've been practicing this book just a little bit every day and not really getting better at this two hands thing. And then I went to sleep and I woke up.

And I went to sleep and I woke up. Whatever. It happened a couple more times. And then just like without having gotten better since the last time that I had woken up. Like I practiced, I couldn't do it. I went to sleep, I woke up and then I found I could do it. I don't know if it came to me in a dream,

or like my brain just needed to sleep to rewire, but all of a sudden I could do the piece with the two different hands doing the two different things. And I thought, what if I had just effing persisted as a child? What if I hadn't let it get into my head that this was something that I couldn't do? I mean, also there were other reasons that I couldn't do it as a child, because I didn't want to keep practicing. And I didn't have the love of playing music in the same way then that I have developed.

In my teen years, along with everybody else in their teen years and I don't have a lot of discipline that's basically what I'm trying to say like I found today as a 30 whatever one 32 year old man yeah 32 year old 32 going on 33 31 going on 32 it doesn't matter as a young ish as a man in his early 30s I just found out I could get to the other side, and I could do it. And I just had to be disciplined. And if I keep going with this, I'll be just a way better piano player. And then there are so many things that I'll be able to do with the piano that I want to do. Like seamlessly play Boys Are Back In Town.

But slower. But get that solo just right. And I remember I did a physics test once when I was a kid, and the teacher wrote on the bottom of it, Mr. Portlock, God rest his soul, wrote something like, you cannot continue to get away with the gesture, a flourish, and the odd one-liner. In any area of endeavor,iality is not enough. Learn the basics.

I had that, I cut that off the test and I blue-tacked that up in my room. I then moved house a hundred times and I have no idea where that scrap of paper is anymore, but it would be nice to learn the fundamentals. Again, this is what's nice about stand-up comedy. The only fundamental to learn is just, like, keep getting up there. I guess you have to learn about jokes.

I guess I did try and study how to write jokes. But, I mean, chess. I love playing chess but the thought of just like sitting down and getting better at chess openings is it makes me want to smash my head into it

the queen piece and have her jagged crown lodge itself in my brain oh it's one of those days it's one of those days. It's one of those weeks. We'll be life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest.

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ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle.

I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts