The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Hello, Zimbabwe?

Episode Date: May 8, 2022

Are you from Zimbabwe? Are you living in a country that is not Australia? Please get in touch.Come and see James Donald Forbes McCann live and in the flesh in Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne and Adelaide: http://www.jdfmccann.com/comedyJoin the Patreon: http://patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! It's like the fifth time I've started recording the podcast. I've started recording the podcast.

Sometimes I get caught in an anxiety spiral and I'm able to talk for about seven minutes into a microphone and then I go, this is garbage. You're making a massive hash of everything. You need to stop now and start again fresh and consign what you've done to the dust heap of your computer. But not so anymore because I'm seriously running out of time and I have just an enormous amount of work to do today. So this one does have to be the podcast even if it is bad. Hello and welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan.

Coming to you from Brisbane, where I'm on tour at the moment. And I've got to tell you, I've recorded so many of these podcasts so far today that I don't even remember what I've said in the past 1 minute and 11 seconds and what I've recorded elsewhere. And boy, that's annoying. So I can't... Should I start again? No!

Push through, Jimmy! I have a series of things that I'd like to speak about today on the podcast. Actually, well, look, one thing I really am looking forward to sharing is a song that I wrote on the plane, on GarageBBand while I was flying to Brisbane a few days ago. And I think it's a lovely track. And it was quite difficult to record because I was trying to do it on Bluetooth headphones that had some delay. So many parts of the song don't sound quite right. But then I've convinced myself that they sound interesting. as you know as bad as I am at having confidence and persevering and going no it's going to be okay let's just make the best of it

as evidenced by the continual starting and deletion of James Donald Forsman can can Moran plan episodes over the last three hours I really am also able to convince myself once the thing is done that it's great. I'm really good at doing something mediocre and then looking at it and going, no, no, that's wonderful. While I'm making it, it's the worst thing I've ever done. Once it's done, I think that's very interesting and people could probably write essays about it. But today on the James Donald Forbes McCann, enough preamble, enough beating around the bush. We have important things to talk about.

And I'm bringing up my list. And of course, I've been through all of this before. But you haven't heard it. And that's the important thing is that I do it in such a way that you can hear it. Number one. I don't want to talk about any of this. I don't want to talk about any of that. I was going to have a very metacontextual meeting today where I just spoke about myself and things that I'd done. But I'll tell you right now, I'm in Brisbane. I'll just shoot from the hip.

We'll do it like that. When I am on tour, I become very anxious and very lonely. I am not built for the life of a touring comedian. Maybe this is why I am a moderate success in a small town and an utter failure elsewhere. Because I don't like traveling. I like being with people I know. I like being with my family. I like being in my home. Oh, I mean, it's nice to go on a holiday. But what I'm doing at the moment, I'm just in Brisbane for 10 days and I'm still working so I get up and I work you know I won't go I won't burn maybe that'll be the whole bloody podcast is me going listeners I'm sore my mental difficulties are matched by physical ones today.

My manager, Jake, who I'm staying with, he goes to the gym. He always goes to the gym. And just on a bit of an optimistic moment in my... I said to him, can I come to the gym? And he said, in my, I said to him, can I come to the gym? And he said, absolutely. So I went to the gym with him yesterday and I worked out and it felt okay. He was like, I, you know, when I used to go to the gym, I'd be like, I don't know what to, do I lift? How often do I lift these? Or you have to, you know, I don't have a lot of money and never have. So I, I didn't want a personal trainer on going, but going with a friend who actually knows what they're doing turns out that that's a very good way to be introduced to it I don't need some 19 year old muscle-bound yahoo who I'm paying a hundred dollars to tell me how to you know do a rowing machine it's just go with a friend I don't know why I never went with a friend. Well, maybe I have big, fat, sedentary friends. But I went with Jake and I had a nice time. And I went again with Jake

today. And I'm just so tired and sore. And I think at some point, and this is my hope, that if I start going to the gym, if I go to the gym every day, eventually, as a person who goes to the gym, I will have more energy in my life. And every day I will have more energy and I'll be less uncomfortable in my big flabby body. But for the time being, I've got to tell you, I'm just tired. I have much less energy for having gone to the gym. Like I would like to have used that energy for something more conducive rather than just lifting metal again and again but I didn't and I did and I went and that's that and I'm going to keep going to the gym and we're going to get this body right and tight god damn oh I'm in such a state I'm nervous that no one will come to the Brisbane

shows and that this will not only have been a very long time away from home and my family, but will also have been a massive financial mistake. I'm worried about doing the shows again because it's not just a light and jolly program of yucks and gags. It's quite a pointed show about someone who died. It's obviously a comedy show and I don't think it ever gets too dark for the audience, although some audience members, I must say, have disagreed. But I like doing the show. It just takes a lot out of me, and people seem to like doing it.

It doesn't take as much out of them. Some shows take a lot out of the audience. Not this one. I like to think it's a restorative show. Please come! But bloody hell, it takes a lot out of the audience. Not this one. I like to think it's a restorative show. Please come. But bloody hell, it takes a lot out of me. I'm worried that I won't be able to get my job done. I have a lot of pieces of work due. I'm worried that a big project that I'm working on for the catamaran plan and not really talking about publicly is garbage. But I think it might be

good. But I, you you know when you work on something big and you're getting ready to show it to people there's a little mysterious um prelude to what will be coming in the future but i want you to know that you know i just you don't know while i'm working on it i think it's garbage and then when it comes out i convince myself that it's okay that's true of songs that's true of this mystery project but that'll be happening well let's run through the things that i wanted to run through i wanted to tell you about phase one and i've recorded several meetings where i recorded it and there was um there was going to be great editing and backing tracks and all that sort of thing but i just can't do it anymore and

we just have to get it done because one needs to churn out at least one episode a week so it doesn't all fall to pieces you have me warts and all, listener. You have me in my ups, you have me in my downs. You have me in my round and round and rounds. So, as I mentioned last week, I consider this phase one, the part of the show where we're just figuring stuff out. And I hope when we're in phase two,

when I drop this big mysterious thing, I've got it a little more tight, you know. I might even at that point be able to record a couple weeks in advance or a couple episodes at a time. So you're always getting a big professional product and you can enjoy it rather than getting how I feel on Sunday at 319 in the afternoon, which is what you get currently. So phase one, I just thought like, you know, there are like, here's what basically here's what I want to do. Here's if I could do these things to and for the podcast and have the podcast achieve them.

I wouldn't feel like such a big failure. I feel like it really existed as something and I could really get behind it and run with it. So here it is. Number one, downloads. I'd like to get the downloads higher. And they're growing all the time. And currently by the end of the year, I'm on track. It looks like I think we'll have a thousand downloads a week by the end of the year, which I'm told is pretty good in podcast town. We're about, I don't know, we're about a quarter

of the way through the year and we get between, you know, we get roughly 300 downloads an episode. And it's growing all the time. And that's wonderful. And I'm grateful. About 300 downloads a week, sorry. They are similar but slightly different statistics. And so I think if we get to 1,000, people are telling me that the advertising money will not be quite so...

Excuse me, that was a burp. Gosh. money will not be quite so... Excuse me, that was a burp. Gosh, my body is weak. I burp. I'm unable to lift things. I'm falling apart. 1,000 downloads. That's what we're after. And then there will be sort of a reasonable amount of money coming in, I'm told, through the advertising. But that 1,000 a week is sort of what you have to get to. And I don't know how to do that. We're trying a bunch of ways to do that. If you're listening to this, you're a big part of the solution. And I thank you. And I won't go on too much about that because I don't want to be metacontextual. Number two, merchandise. I'm working up some merchandise. People will be getting their mugs shortly when I'm back from Adelaide. I'm going to finish them back from Adelaide, back in Adelaide. Oh,

should I start it again again? No, we're just going to power on. I think we need to set up some sort of merchandise. We need a certain number of listeners and some sort of merchandise. Then people will go, hello, that's the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan plan he has fans and he has merchandise and that is the outward garb of a successful middling australian comedy podcast and we're going to get there and number three youtube i'd like these episodes to also be coming out on youtube but at the moment i mean if they come out on youtube we don't get any money for the catamaran. And so that just seemed like a waste of time. Like these episodes at least do earn some small amount of money for the catamaran.

And the ones on YouTube don't get anything because it's non-monetized. So I'd like to get my YouTube channel to the point where it's successful enough to monetize. Those are the three things that I'm working on. Is enough listeners on the podcast, on podcast platforms, to some sort of merch. And three, getting the YouTube to a monetized level, which is not that far away. To monetize YouTube, monetize, monetize, how do you, whatever, to get money,

to get that money, oh, sugar! To get money on YouTube, you need 1,000 subscribers. Well, I am just shy of 700, so I think if I can get a couple of good videos, we might push that over the top. And you need 4,000 watch hours per year, and I'm currently on 1,400 watch hours over the course of a year.

So really, if I just have a couple of videos that really pop and crackle, then I'll be able to start pushing, you know, maybe we can turn this from an audio-only podcast into a video podcast, and by the time it's a video podcast, I will have been to start pushing you know maybe we can turn this from an audio only podcast into a video podcast and by the time it's a video podcast I will have been to the gym so often that I'll look good excuse me I've been listening to a lot of James Brown of late so those are the big three number four would be setting it up as a business because there is now some money involved with the catamaran plan and I don't really know how to handle it

and it's just sitting in my bank account in the moment and I can't imagine that's the right way to do it and I don't want to get taxed come tax time for things that I don't have to be taxed for. So I'm going to be speaking to an accountant shortly. I was going to speak to an accountant earlier and it just didn't happen. As so many things are the case in my life,

well, I was going to do that but i didn't i was going to get my weight under control but there just wasn't the time i was mostly that's the one it's the being fat being at the gym does make me think you know not a lot of fat people at the gym that i'm going to but i guess um i guess if you are fat and you start going to the gym you quickly are not all that fat. You know, hopefully, fingers crossed. And if you're fat and you go to the gym and you say you don't like it, well, then you're not physically there anymore.

And so the bodies who you do see in the gym are mostly made up of people who go regularly. Mmm. Think about it. Maths. I did want to say one thing that's been on my mind, and I don't know if I've spoken about it on the podcast, before getting to the song,

but I wanted to speak specifically to the listener in Zimbabwe. Apparently we have a listener in Zimbabwe who listens to every episode of the James Donald, Forbes, McCann, Catamaran plan. When I look at the analytics, as I look at the analytics far, far, far, far, far too often, I see that we have a listener in Zimbabwe. Zimbabwe listener, are you real? It says you live in Harare. Do you really? Are you a real person Harare do you really?

are you a real person? how do you know about this podcast? do I know someone who's moved to Zimbabwe? it's not like again we get like 300 downloads a week and one of them consistently is in Zimbabwe and I think

oh maybe someone's got like a VPN and they're pretending to be in Zimbabwe Zimbabwe I almost said Zimbabwe wrong there, despite having said it correctly several times previously. So, yeah, I'm just fascinated. If you're listening to this and you're from Zimbabwe, please let me know. We have a couple others who seem to listen to it every week. I'm just going to rattle it off right now.

And if you're from any of these countries and you're listening can you please get in contact with me just like send me an instagram thing because i'm fascinated that anybody uh first of all that anybody listens to this podcast is a shock and confronting to good taste and sense but apparently we have a listener in hong kong who's always listening hong kong listener please get in touch if the ccp hasn't rendered you incapable of contacting people on the internet, I'd love to speak to you. Apparently we have a Belgian listener, a German listener. We have several listeners in Sweden. And we have Libsyn.

Someone in Libsyn, Portugal is listening. Now, of course, we also have listeners in New Zealand Ireland Canada the United Kingdom in the United States and you people are very important to me as well but the fact that we've got some listeners in non-English speaking countries well I mean Zimbabwe is an English speaking country but I mean you'll know this if you're in Zimbabwe comedians don't tour to Zimbabwe they barely tour to South Africa Zimbabwe. Comedians don't tour to Zimbabwe. They barely tour to South Africa. Zimbabwe is really off the radar from a stand-up comedy point of view. And when I'm not starting a podcast again, or feeling sad that I'm on a tour, or making a sort of a strange sounding and not especially

good perhaps, perhaps. See, me saying perhaps is enough for me to start again when I'm in a mood like the mood I am now. I can see a beautiful minor bird out the window. It's lovely. Anyway, I just, I would love to come and do stand-up comedy in Zimbabwe or any of those countries. But man, Zimbabwe has gotten right into the dome.

And sometimes I just have these fantasies of like, well, I've got two and a half grand in the catamaran plan. Maybe I should take that money. I buy a round trip to Zimbabwe. And I try and I spend one week seeing what, or some would call it the Holy Spirit and some would call it a manic episode, but just seeing what happens, me alone, Zimbabwe.

Anyway, I probably won't do that. But if you're in Zimbabwe, please let me know about it. And if you're in any of those other countries, let me know about it too. I'm fascinated by it. And I'd love to have fans abroad. Well, I think that's quite enough of that. No open letter this week because they don't work and we have to hack and slash out things that don't work in this podcast. But I will have an affirmation. And the affirmation is, I love you. Is that an affirmation?

You know, I'm affirming it. I affirm, I'll say it like that, and then it's definitely an affirmation. I affirm that I love you. Thank you for listening. And here is a song that you might be able to enjoy on hit radio very soon. Greetings from Brisbane all the way to Zimbabwe. That's not what the song is called. The song is called I Have the Squids.

Because right before I got on the plane, I had just overcome another bout of diarrhea. That's like two bouts of diarrhea in a month. What am I doing? What's going on? Here is James Donald Forbes McCann with I've Got the Squids. Thank you. © transcript Emily Beynon Thank you. I'll see you next time. Always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant. Since I'm truly terrible at keeping up with emails, I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver. And if I'm feeling stuck creatively, I just ask Gemini for help and bam, instant inspiration. You can learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com.