The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - HOUSTON WINE ESCAPE BOWLING

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

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I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out

now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Oh, hello and welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forsbacan Catamaran Plan. I'm James Donald Forsbacan. This is a show all about me trying to buy a boat. Sometimes it's about other things too, but those things we try to, I don't want to use the word subjugate because that makes me think about slavery. Coerce, that makes me think about bad business practices and possibly deviant sexual behaviors. It's a beautiful umbrella.

beautiful umbrella. The boat is an umbrella that allows to do many things, and I'm back in Austin, and I, well, this is a bit of a classic episode in that it's just me, and it's just audio, and I'm keeping my voice down because I don't want to wake the family up, and I've had a couple of drinkies, but I feel pretty together. And I tell you what, I did a nice thing tonight with my wife. Because during this afternoon, I took my children out to the mall. I love going to the mall. I know a lot of things about me would suggest that I was sort of a non-commercial type person who didn't like going to a mall, but I love going to a mall, you know,

and I get to see where the culture's at. You know, what's happening with women's fashion? What's happening with men's fashion? I notice a big push for some sort of Maoist, ecologically sustainable jackets seem to be in with clothes made out of oldist, ecologically sustainable jackets seem to be in with clothes made out of old sheets, bamboo. People keep being very excited by bamboo. And I will say that ladies' clothes seem to be a little less slathy

as we come into fall. But I bought a game i was at the mall with the kids because i was trying to occupy their time and i took them to like a like a board game shop and they already have a bunch of board games they're not playing but i found a board game that i i wanted to play with my wife and i did it's called exit the the Game The Sinister Mansion is the one we played tonight and what I found interesting about it is first of all it was only $15

which is pretty good for a game pretty good but it's also an escape room and my wife she's never been to an escape room but she has all the mental faculties that you'd want in an escape room she's lightning fast.

She can really come up with thoughts off the wall. She's a good collaborator. She knows when to lead. She knows when to sit back. But just with our schedule and our babysitter that we have at the moment, hello, Ruby, being abroad in California, she's abroad in California, I don't think people are abroad if they're just interstate, anyway, it's just so I thought I'd buy this and we'd get to play an escape room at home,

it's an escape room in a box, and the one we played is about half as difficult as they can be. I also bought a more difficult one and it's, yes, it's called Exit the Game which in Latin I believe would translate to He Leaves the Game. And there was so much I liked about playing this. I can shake it up there because I put it back in the box. You can only play it once because you have to destroy, you have to fold cards and cut them up and draw on things.

It's all folding. But it's a damn good time. It's a damn good time. And, you know, obviously this is James Olsen. We can't get him around playing. We're going to talk about how I plan on making my own escape room game. You're in a boat full of refugees, and the Australian government's trying to sink it. What do you do?

How do you escape? Such an exciting game. In this one, you're stuck in a mansion, and you have to get out of the mansion. I guess if I was being negative, I'd say there was something sick and wrong about people in the modern age wanting to feel trapped and needing to escape. And if I was to psychoanalyze that phenomenon, I'd say that it was the result of already feeling anxious. We all already feel trapped, and we're looking for a way out. And this then puts that already existing trapped anxious feeling into a more... They're telling you you're in an imaginary situation,

which actually maps onto how you really feel. And then you go through a struggle, an intellectual, and depending on who you're playing with, emotional struggle. And then they tell you at the end, you're free. And then, of course, you feel vindicated. I mean, nothing has really changed. You know, the game is a little more broken. It's back in the box, and you've done some thinking and solved some entirely abstract problems for two hours or so, and you've done some thinking and solved some entirely abstract problems for two hours or so and you've eaten a piece of cheese on toast but at the end of all that struggle someone tells you you're free and you actually do feel a bit free and that's really nice um what i came here to talk to you about today and which i'm embarrassed that i haven't started talking about already

because we're five minutes in. I am drunk. I shouldn't say drunk. I've had a couple of beautiful beverages. Is Houston this Sunday? Before I go on and talk more about that, I'd like to say thank you to everybody who came out to Tulsa. We had, I guess, a little over 40 people in Tulsa and I believe we've got one or two podcast listeners in Tulsa, and the fact that

that magnified to 40 people showing up into a church basement was absolutely unbelievable. I agreed to do it. Someone reached out to me. His name was Mike. His wife's name's Taylor. Great name for a wife. And they said they run this uh this listening room where people do poems and songs and comedy in a basement in tulsa and if i ever wanted to come to tulsa and do a show in this basement i was allowed to and i i thought when i saw that oh i mean that would be great if I had anyone who knew about me or liked my work in Tulsa other than you. It's great when the person who runs the room is also a big fan of your work. But alas, but then I found out I'd be doing this gig in Bentonville and there's

something to come about Bentonville in the near future. I record a lot of stuff. Anyway, I did a comedy festival in Bentonville and Tulsa was more or less on the way back, so I said, sure, we'll see how it goes, showed up in Tulsa, had a great time with Mike and Taylor, and oh, all these lovely kids that they've got, we bowled together in like a 1970s bowling alley, and then something like 40 people turned up, which is, you know, for one or two listeners, I mean, there were so few listeners in Tulsa, I didn't get analytics on it, I only, you need at least three people in a city for me to be able to tell that you're listening to it on the analytics that I'm looking at, so I thought maybe three, you know,

who knows who's coming, I was a little panicked about it, but people did show up, and there's a man named Peter Bedgood, who was the opening act, he was there, Mike organized that, and Peter said some really kind things to me at the end of the show, and I said, you know, Peter, if you ever come come to Austin I'll see to it that you get some gigs and he said I mean I'd love to come to Austin I said well you should come on a Monday so you can do the open mic and he said yeah that sounds great and I said well I think it was Sunday today I think I, did you want to come tomorrow and drive over with me? And he said, sure. So I picked him up the next morning, and he's staying in our guest room.

Mad. And if he wasn't such a nice man, I think that would be insane. But he was lovely, and he was very gifted, and he played some fine harmonica and, I think that would be insane. But he was lovely. He was very gifted. And he played some fine harmonica and guitar. And he can really draw. So Pete's staying in the guest room. Came bowling with me last night.

And he's doing some gigs around town. I think he's going to come with me to Houston. And that's sort of what I think life's about. Is inviting a stranger into your home. And I know that's, you know, you got kids and there's a limit to the extent to which that's appropriate to do. I think guest room's the right way to do that. Feels weird to be talking about this in a podcast, but I got to say this, that's the reason I'm in America. I was a stranger and two men, three men, three really at a vital time, my first trip over here, three men allowed me to stay at their homes, and I mean, they didn't know me from Adam, I'm not from this

country, and they just showed me great hospitality, and that, applying my prudence as best I can is what I believe, don't feel the need to write to me and ask to live with me, you can't, if you're doing it over the podcast, I'm not doing it, I don't know you, I can't vet it, I think that's sane, but, but, no, I think where you can, I think where you can, you should try to be hospitable, and if you can see an opportunity for someone, Peter's a great comedian, he'd been in Tulsa, there's something happening in Austin with comedy, he's gotten down here, he's making friends, he's doing shows, he's at an open mic at the moment with my car, he's having a good time, so many, wow, Houston, and he's going to come to Houston,

I think he's going to help open in Houston, I'm setting off for Houston tomorrow morning, I'm going to be driving down with my family, and we're staying with some family of family friends, and I hope they become family friends too. Perhaps I'm sharing too much. I really thought I'd be doing more talking about the game. But when one does drink, one does ramble. And I wanted to share some facts about Houston. First fact about Houston, I'm doing a show there on Sunday. Tickets are on sale now.

Please, please buy tickets to that show i think we've got third high 30s 30 40 50 type podcast listeners in houston and uh i mean if if one listener magnifies into 40 then we're gonna get something like then we're going to get something like 6,000, I don't know. Hopefully, we get enough people in Houston to have a show. I think we have sold enough to have a show. I'd like it to be a good show. I'm finding out how it works selling tickets in America. It's quite different. People offer you one or two different kinds of deal,

I don't know if this is me spilling the beans, but in Australia, the system I was on, was I'd go to a small club, or a small theater, or a small basement of some kind, and if I knew the people who operated that space the deal that you always try to get is well i'll get the tickets you get the bar because it's the performer it's you can't really get a cut of the bar no one's paying attention the venue's probably telling a bunch of fibs to the government about how many drinks they're really selling not all of them but some of them certainly not any of the ones i would work with i wouldn't know i'm just talking out of my bum there anyway so but as the performer you can't

go well you sold you said you sold eight beers you sold six and the markup was this you can't do it they can keep track of that it becomes ridiculous to think you could keep track of how many drinks were sold so that's also where most of the money is probably to be made i would have to think you could keep track of how many drinks were sold so that's also where most of the money is probably to be made i would have to think is on the bar so they you know if they sell drinks they get that money and every ticket you get as the performer and this is not how it's done in america not at all one of the deals they'll offer you is just like a guarantee with i think uh yes they'll be like you know you know you know what i'm saying you you're doing two shows and no matter how many you sell we'll give you five hundred dollars something like that at least i'm

just pulling these numbers out of the head and i'll'll tell you what, if you sell them out, I'll give you an extra $1,000. And then the gap between just showing up and doing the show and selling it out is huge. And then sometimes they'll give you a split. You take 70% of the tickets, I'll take 30% of the tickets and all of the bar. But I also have to pay the staff, you know. And also, you know, then you're haggling about other things. Well, we'll pay for you to have a hotel. Well, how nice is the hotel?

We'll pay for your flight. What if I only fly in a first class type situation? What if I want to drive myself? Will you give me extra money if you don't have to pay for the flight? This is all the stuff that the managers and the agents do. I mean, frankly, a lot easier in Australia where it's the, I'll figure it out. Just however many I sell, I'll take that amount of money. And that's not a good way to organize it necessarily.

Not everybody gets that deal. Some people will have you all sorts of ridiculous. But you do find out very quickly in comedy. And this is a piece of advice for anyone looking to book a tour or something. It's all relationships. Because if someone wants, you know, it's nebulous. There's no intrinsic amount that a venue is worth. You can probably come closer to an intrinsic amount if a gig has to be done there every night

of the week um and it's people competing for that and then it's all right what is it worth to them individually but if it's something like a show on a wednesday where no one's ever going to be if there's not a show on there and no one wants to book in there and you're doing it really the amount of money that that's worth is just uh i mean some would say to the venue it's it's their expenses plus one you know whatever the owner however much they're willing to receive in a financial payment for the mental, you know, for it being taxing to set other people to work, that might be $20 to say, yep, how much does it cost to say yes? Could be $1,000, could be anything, but as the performer, it's really, oh, it hurts. There's not that many spaces. You'd think there would be heaps of spaces in a city where you could show up and do comedy,

but there's genuinely not. It would be nice if you could just show up and do it in people's backyards, but I'm sure there's all sorts of liquor licensing type nonsense to make us all a little less free. I'm rambling. I'm doing this show in Houston. I'm getting a good deal,

but I'd really like you to show up. I'd like everyone in Houston to show up. It will be a tighter, more cogent type show than the one we're doing here today. Here's a thought that I want to get back to. Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Son of a...

Where is that? Here it is. It was right on the table in front of me. Exit the Sinister Mansion. here it is it was right on the table in front of me exit the sinister mansion you were invited to be guests at a palatial mansion this is the game that i played but upon arrival you find yourself forced to take part in a macabre game the clock is ticking and there's not much time to solve the puzzles can you escape the mansion before it is too late? And I've started doing Z in a German accent because the game was translated from Germany. It was by Inka and

Markus Brand and Rolf Queerfuss. And yeah, they make these games in Germany and they translate them. Germany is the board game capital of the world and I was looking up it happened quite recently so German board game competition festival where everyone brings their new board game to Germany in a big and you you go to a big room with a bunch of excuse me with a bunch of very special people who love board games and have made that their whole lives, and you just play a bunch of board games and see which board game, you know, you're probably, if you're showing up, you probably own a board game shop, and you're deciding which board games are going to be the hot new board games

in Germany that year, but I think even people from outside Germany, I think it's called Essenspieler, I assume it's in Essen but yeah the wife after we played the board game she was all tucking out the sweet thing but boy I'm looking forward to watching videos of pretty

pretty spectrumized type individuals walking around Germany in the board game Expo. Oh, that would be to me one of the more exciting Expos. Obviously, the boat Expo, the boat show, I did enjoy that a lot. When I was younger, I went to the, not that much younger, but when I was younger than I am now, but old enough to get in,

I did go to the Melbourne, I much younger, but when I was younger than I am now, but old enough to get in, I did go to the Melbourne, I think it was in Melbourne, I went to the Sexpo, and had a, that's the Sex Expo, and that was pretty, pretty depressing, yeah, something might have been kindled to reject material secularism at the Sexpo. So sufficiently unhappy was I. What else? I went to the... Now, convention's a bit different to an expo. But I remember...

I mean, they're all... They're in the same kind of room. I used to go to the anime and video video game convention avcon in adelaide and then at some point i did you know oh oh we have to miss it this year because we're oh i guess we've missed it a second year and then once you're three years out it's like look at those big nerds walking around in their lunatic costumes burn them No, don't do that. But it is pretty weird to look at. It's a great festival and God bless them. It's a great festival and God bless them.

And I'm thinking of starting to play poker. Oh, someone reached out to me this week. And two people. It's important that I share this with you. I'm sorry, this is a bit disjointed. I wanted to talk about the board games and my... Wouldn't it be nice if I had an escape room board game, instead of the card game, because I do think, genuinely, the card game might be a bit immoral, I know we're all excited about that, but I think a board game might be a better

thing to do, anyway, just from a moral point of view, I don't like this thing of having to always consume, I like you, you buy like a tool that you can get better at, and grow at, and do over and over again, but this thought that you would just like burn through. I know I burned through that game very quickly and we can't play it again. But that still felt more like we don't have to consume another one. We had a beautiful evening together. I don't know that that happens.

Like it's not like we can buy another exit game so that we got, you know, we felt more bigger ego strength from having played that one, we could buy another one, play that separately, this, sorry, it's a bit foggy, two people got in contact with me this week about, and I haven't written back to them, so sorry about that, but they might be listening now, about advertising opportunities, and one of them is, one of them is a video game reselling shop, I think that's what it is, a game reselling shop, man, it'd be interesting if that was a board game reselling shop, and I've gotten that wrong, we're both on the board game trend, but I think that was a video game reselling

shop, and they've asked if they would like me to be sponsored by them, and I thought, oh, we could probably work something out, because I've been thinking about, I never had a GameCube, I went to a friend's house who had a GameCube, and I was watching a YouTube video this week about how the GameCube has aged more gracefully than the other video game. I said, PodRacing, Podcasts. Oh, you all deserve better than this. You deserve to have me talking to a famous person. How good was it to have Matt McCusker on the podcast? You shouldn't have to put up with this nonsense

at the end of one and a half bottles of wine. Might be two bottles of wine by the end of this podcast. Oh, the wife had some, but she doesn't have as much as me. That's the great thing about getting a bottle of wine. I know I'm going to be having most of it. One of them was a video game place and i'm i'm a little bit interested in playing video games uh certainly i think that would destroy my life and i think video games overall are very very very very very bad for people but does that mean that i wouldn't take

money to celebrate a shop that sells secondhand video games i think i would i think i could get away with i mean maybe that would involve me making quote-unquote content and it's just then i'm getting money and they're getting press and i get to say honey i'm off to work i'm playing metroid in the guest room peter's moved out by this point, presumably. I'm playing GameCube, honey. I'm getting stuck into Pikmin. I used to go round to my friend's house and he had a GameCube and he would, you know, we'd be playing Pikmin,

but it was his GameCube and he'd always want to play it. What, I'd sit next to him and watch him play Pikmin? Why don't his parents buy... I know he's an only child, but why don't his parents buy him a second GameCube controller, so as we will both be able to play the GameCube, and then he's got a friend, and we're both playing it, why am I watching him play, selfish, and the second one was a bigger operator, I believe, was a an injury law firm and what i found interesting

about the email from the injury law firm is they offer you you know an amount of money i might reveal that on the patreon they give you an amount of money for every thousand views the reel you make has, so, you know, say I, I make a hip reel about this injury law firm company, you know, like, say I, like, hit a kickflip, nothing has been so unlikely, but say I hit a kickflip, and it's such a tasty kickflip, and that, you know, but then at the end of the kickflip i say make sure you sue somebody if you get injured and call these guys and then i get what not an insubstantial amount of money for every thousand views that really that's is that the way it's been working for people this whole time that's nutty nuts would that compromise my credibility yes no actually on second thought most people that would compromise their credibility

credibility credibility credibility but for me my the sense in which i'm a credible person thank you the sense in which i'm a credible person comes down to my journey to boat ownership, so, you know, it's somewhere around, I'll tell you, it's somewhere around the 10 to 20 dollar range, I think, I've looked it up, you get per thousand views, and so, like, in Australian money, that's probably like, I don't know, 15 bucks, eh? So I'm not saying specifically the one I'm doing. I'm talking about industry rates. My one might be higher, might be lower, might be the same. I don't want to give away any industrial secrets. I don't want to get into trouble before I...

Boy, you don't want to get into trouble with a law firm type business. But where's my telephone? Like how successful are real... Say I start working with these companies. type business but where's my telephone like how successful or real say i'm say you know i start working with these companies do i have a phone some kind of phones very important to me that i had my man i had it before oh there it is it was under a cushion so if you got like if you got 10 bucks and maybe you get more than that but after the cost of making the thing it averages at 10 bucks so what's that 500 uh thousand divide that's the amount of dollars that i need to buy a boat is 500

thousand divided by 10 right that's 50, I don't know what that means, hold on, I need to figure out what that means, what was that, because, okay, so it's per thousand, gee, we're going to do the thinking, this must be such a good time, such, we got all these new people in who was listening to the beautiful Matt McCusker interview, now you got me alone, drunk, desperate to tell people that these shows in Houston coming up this Sunday, make sure you buy tickets me alone, drunk, desperate to tell people about these shows in Houston coming up this Sunday. Make sure you buy tickets. Okay, so it's like

you get 10 buck per thousand. So, how do you get one buck? Oh, I might have to pause it. Hold on. Right, I think I've got it. So, if it's a thousand

for 10, every hundred views is a dollar, right? So $500,000 is what you need times a hundred for views. That's 50 million. So if I had a reel, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that means if I had a reel for a law firm that went so viral that it got 50 million views I'd be able to buy a boat is that does that sound right basically I'd have to work up to something like 10 to 20 so what like 25 25 to 50 million views on a reel for a company as a shill a beautiful shill a sensational shill and i'd be able to buy a five hundred thousand dollar but i could be getting that wrong if i've done those uh that mathematics uh not well well then now's a good time to let you know that this episode is brought to you by Kumon.

If you want your children to be better at mathematics than me, then make sure you sign them up to Kumon. That's right. It was all a big, big roar to make you think I was bad at mathematics so I could turn it into an ad for Kumon. I'm getting $10 to $20 from Kumon. Kumon is a company.

I'm doing a bit. Kumon's not really giving me money. I don't know if they have Kumon, Kumon is a company, I'm doing, I'm doing a bit, Kumon's not really giving me money, I don't even if they, I don't know if they have Kumon here. Kumon was a thing where the Asian parents and sort of white parents who aspired to Asianity in their drive for their children would get the kids together and they'd be good at maths after school. their children would get the kids together and they'd be good at maths after school because they weren't playing sport or having enriching cultural or familial experiences once again that's kumon i never did kumon i don't think maybe i did i do have this memory of, yeah, when I was a kid, my parents took me. My mum was teaching English to some Korean girls in the neighbourhood. And she found out that she was tutoring. So they were Korean, so they weren't as good at the English language. I bet if there was a subject called Korean at school, they would have done very well indeed.

But when it came to English, they needed a little help from my mum. But she found out that on another night of the week, they and some other Asian children would get together in a shed slash garage slash basement and just do math puzzles and problems. And this is how the Asians were getting so good at math is that they would um congregate and in dark damp spaces to do mathematics

and i got sent along to this and i was so much worse than the asians at math but they were very kind to me and they're like oh yeah and i remember the the stress and the fear but also like some sense that greatness was possible and that this is what greatness looked like sometimes in your life you you think i don't know what it would mean to be great uh and i see this with comedians all the time who might go oh what oh i mean it's the only it's the only realm that i work in but you know why don't i have success why isn't anyone taking me through to the next level why isn't and some of it is you know you're not making yourself uncomfortable enough what is hard work i'll tell you what's hard work is getting together with six asians

in a basement to do math problems for three hours when you don't want to at night. And I did that once. And I don't, I genuinely don't know why I never did it again. Did my parents not want to take me back? Did the Asians not want to have me back? Did I not want to go back? I had a great time being there. I remember one of them told me a joke about Asians and I left. One of the Asians, you you know smoothing over the 19 you know late 1990s um awkwardness of uh you know our two beautiful white and asian families come together he said how do you name an asian guy i don't know and he said throw a rock down a drain ching chong chang and And the Asians really laughed at that. They found that very funny.

And I laughed as well. And we all laughed together. And I remember later on going to tell that same joke as a white kid. And not getting quite the same response as it did coming from an Asian man. And that was an early lesson in context. And not every joke is for everybody. And it started a long tradition of me writing jokes and going, man, I've got to find a gay black guy in a wheelchair with a sex change.

Only he will be able to say the joke that I've just come up with. Do you want to hear some poems? Houston, once again, this Sunday. But let's close it out with some poems. Oh, I have some sketch ideas. Here's one of the sketch ideas. It's called Puff Daddy Press Conference. It started out as a poem, but it became a sketch idea.

I do not have a rape dungeon. These hateful allegations are hurting my family. Stop saying I have a rape dungeon. I have a rape dungeon i have a rape loft you know i was pretty pretty pleased with that one um another sketch idea is the scene in amadeus where mozart is dictating the requiem to salieri but instead of mozart it's philip glass and he's going do you have it do you have it Philip Glass, and he's going, ba-ba-doo-boo, ba-ba-doo-boo, ba-ba-doo-boo, ba-ba-doo-boo, ba-ba-doo-boo, ba-ba-doo-boo, ba-ba-doo-boo, ba-ba-doo-boo. Do you have it?

Do you have it? Ba-ba-doo-boo, ba-ba-doo-boo, ba-ba-doo-boo, ba-ba-doo-boo. And in the flutes, it's the same thing for 37 bars. And then it goes, ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. And that's 50 bars. Do you have it? Ba-ba-doo-boo, ba-ba-doo-boo, ba-ba-doo-boo. That's a sketch idea that I have. it's a pretty limited range of people who'd

like that one i reckon just feels like i'm stuck in an old mac screen saver weak weak weak poems all around. Weak poems on the ground. Weak poems. Oh, here's one. Nobody is falling for condom propaganda. I don't believe in brainwashing. Sometimes you have an idea at night and you write it down and it's great.

But 99% of the time, it's just garbage. And no one could be expected to enjoy it or care about it. I don't know. Every man without a beard must shave it. Every man without a beard must... Every man with a... Ah, it's done. I'm finished. The podcast is over.

I'm too drunk. I'm too drunk and I apologize. All right, one more poem. I'll open up my... I've got two notes apps now because I took one from Google. We've got to find a decent poem to close out the podcast so that everybody can go home and have had a nice

time affirmations are you at the gym you clean in the house i've heard about this you're working on a truck i think that's largely how people do the audio podcast is they're doing something and this is in the background and we're building a beautiful parasocial relationship. I just want to say how much I love you and how much I appreciate you. Everyone says thank you, and everyone says please. Lots of people having sex and sexual possibilities. They'll make you a big sandwich, and the pool is honestly pretty agreeable. From time to time, you do lose sight of things that

are unpleasantly foreseeable. Man, that one's all right. I don't remember writing that one. Here's another one. If I was a gay man, and honestly I'm not, I reckon I'd be doing heaps of gay stuff quite a lot. But since I'm heterosexual, i limit myself to the most rare and infrequent bouts of gay activity it's not strong let me tell you about greatness and a little thing called respect that one on paper i don't think that should be anything but as when i say it out loud it feels like a better part let me tell you about greatness and a little thing called respect yeah something about that does tickle me something about that i think we're all over diagnosing autism some people are autistic we all know that but can we stop pretending that liking trains is a disease oh i know how i'm gonna end the podcast i'm gonna end the podcast by uh reading you some of the introduction for my new book of

poems splish splash which is not out yet um and is not we're just waiting on the cover it's just the i think it's just the cover now. Margot. Margot's finishing the cover. She's doing a great job, I'm sure. She's having a beautiful time in Rome. Well, I could read you the one that Mark Barnes wrote. Mark Barnes has written one.

Mark's a great writer. I recommend going and listening to Mark Barnes. And Sam Talent's written an introduction. I got two introductions. That was pretty good. They're both very long. I could read you the foreword that I wrote, the preface. I'll read you my preface.

And if you want the other ones, which are better, you have to buy the book. Here it is. This is my preface to my new book of poems. And I'm sorry that this is such a low effort. I mean, ooh, it's 36 minutes. Time flies when you've had a bottle of wine, two bottles of wine.

Years ago, I was visited by a pale and spectral figure who offered me great fame and success in exchange for my soul. It came as something of a surprise. I had always assumed that the whole Mephistopheles at a crossroads thing was a metaphor, but here was an actual Mephistopheles offering me... Wow, we're too drunk. Here was an actual Mephistopheles offering me an actual Mephistophelian bargain.

How is it that I'm not stumbling off the word Mephistophelian, but words like actual can be hard? Anyway, he was offering me a Mephistophelian bargain admittedly we weren't at a crossroads we were indoors on a suburban street so the crossroads part of it might still be a metaphor but otherwise the encounter was appallingly literal you would do very well he said the financial things can be taken care of. It's very simple, very sensible. And all you have to do is fill out this form. I was saved, I believe, by two things. The first is the grace of God. The second is a profound aversion to any paperwork,

even straightforward paperwork. The filling out of any form really upsets me. I wonder if I should change that to any form of form. Any form of blah, blah, blah. Filling out of any form. Really upset to me. Anyway, I think it might be good as it is, but I don't think I thought of it to be good for that reason.

But, you know, then if it's good and you didn't think about it being that way, is that really yours or is that just an accident? Do you have to do things intentionally or can you enjoy a happy accident? If it had been a handshake deal, who knows? But having to read and sign any document, be it a tenancy application, be it a timesheet, a pay slip, a contract guaranteeing fame and success in exchange for my soul, that's just not my bag. I can't tell you how much I've been hit with in late fees just because I can't bring myself to suffer through the very minimal paperwork required to sort out having driven on a toll road. That's true. All of which is to say, I better actually get on some of that recently, the Texas ones are starting to

mount up. All of which is to say that I have no reason to believe this book of poems will bring me fame and or success, and that on the off chance that it does, anything you may hear about that fame and or success being the result of a Faustian bargain is a baseless rumor if this book of poems does somehow shoot to the top of the bestseller list it's only because I've been blessed with unprecedented poetical gifts a generation has found its voice western civilization has at long last stumbled upon excuse me something worth doing with the English language, etc. May Satan and his minions, all the world's bureaucrats, choke on their precious impossible documents. James Donald Forrest McCann wrote that back in July. It's been a long road to getting

this book of poems done, and I'm not sure that the poems are well. I mean, how many poems are there? There's a few, and I hope you like them, and I hope that one day comes out. I hope we don't have to wait for me to shuffle on this mortal coil. Oh, we may as well end the podcast there, I suppose. Thank you for listening. Thank you to everybody who joined the Patreon. So many people have joined the Patreon. So many people have listened to the Matt McCusker episode. One of the reasons that this episode is audio only is because, affirmation, I believe that the next... Man, the YouTube's just exploding. We're getting thousands of new people on the YouTube

and I didn't want to follow up that Matt McCusker episode with just me being... I have to have this podcast come out now so that someone will come and see me in Houston, please, for a better show than this podcast has been. I can't imagine that it's been charming. I'd hoped that having a couple of drinks and doing a podcast would be charming, but I just don't believe that that could possibly be the case. I've seen other people do it, but I don't think that's the sort of thing that, it's not the sort of drunk that I am.

I just become ridiculous and silly. Is that two different things? It's the same. Anyway, I must go to bed. I've got to drive the family off in the morning. I had something that I was saying, but I've totally forgotten what it was. We must all quit the drink. Every single one of us. We must all quit the drink. Every single one of us. We must all quit the drink. Nothing really rhymes with every single one of us.

Blunderbuss. On a bus. Swear and cuss filled with pus. I don't mind filled with pus. We must all chase our dreams, every single one of us. We must all have infections,

great big infections full of pus. great big infections full of pus I saw a sign in Oklahoma that made me smile and I thought about making it comedy but I think it's not good enough for stand up it's only worth sharing and there was a sign in Oklahoma when you're driving along it said slow down it was like a road work sign

it said slow down don't hit our workers ten thousand dollar fine applies and i thought gee they're gonna have to make that a bigger fine if they don't want me doing it you mean i can hit a man with my car for ten thousand dollars i guess we're doing that every second christmas from here on out christmas and birthday, joint present, I'd like to hit a man in Oklahoma with my car, $20,000, $30,000, wouldn't do it, $10,000, I know, it's just a badly written sign, what they're trying to say is you get $10,000 for not slowing down, not that that's the amount of money that you'd have to pay to hit someone with your car.

And the sign would have been written better. Oh, I loved this in Oklahoma. They have the... They have... They don't say second worst public education in America. They say 49th best. And I think that's a very spirited way of talking about the 49th best education system in America. Yes! I loved Oklahoma. I loved Tulsa. I'm looking

forward to finding out more about Oklahoma City. I love the Cherokee. I live the Choctaw. I live the Choctaw. I love the Choctaw. I love that they've got casinos. I love the Native American people. They're so Native American. Big fan. Big, big fan. Great hair. Finding out that,

I didn't even know that was a stereotype. I just started noticing it about Native American people, is that the hair. I'm yet to see a it about Native American people is that the hair. I'm yet to see a balding Native American man. Thick, beautiful, incredible Cherokee type hair. It's really something. Congratulations on the hair. You've got to have some consolation for these whiteys pushing you off the land but i

say the hair is probably not doing it but you'd rather have the hair than not i mean imagine being imagine as a whole as a whole people being pushed along the trail of tears to Oklahoma and then also not having hair, I mean, that would be unendurable, but to have that happen and at least, wow, the hair, big fan, big, big fan, I love everybody, I love you, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to bed, Houston, Sunday, please, tickets on sale, link below, Bosch Houston Sunday please tickets on sale link below this is a longer podcast

episode than I expected that it would be trying to think of anything else that I saw in Tulsa that was only 24 hours from Tulsa I saw some wonderful things in Tulsa. I saw, I should tell you about this.

I mean, I saw the tower. I went to the tower. I went to Oral Roberts' tower. I speak about this in the Tulsa Goldfish episode, but there was this man who was a prosperity gospel type individual, and he raised the money to have his own hospital right next to his university. And it's the third biggest tower in Oklahoma,

and it was full of difficult problems building the tower, and then it was meant to be a hospital, and they lost a lot of money, and they shut it down. There was a debt collection agency, and then that went bankrupt, and then people had other debt collection agencies. Call them that, debt collection agency, and that really made me smile. But I went to go and see the tower. It's a beautiful tower.

It's in the most impeccable, sort of like gilded, I guess is the word. There's a lot of gold. It's a lot of clean 80s modernism. If you think Trump Tower, you're not a world away from what Oral Roberts' tower looks like. And I don't know that anyone's working there. It was pretty empty. But it was beautiful. And then it was beautiful, and I got

to go and see the praying hand statue that used to be in the foyer for his towers, moved over there, and the most wonderful bowling alley, and genuinely Mike and Taylor, the most wonderful people, and Peter who came bowling with me last night, I'd like to tell you one little anecdote about bowling, Peter who came bowling with me last night. I'd like to tell you one little anecdote about bowling. There's a man who does comedy in Austin. He's a door guy at the mothership. And his name's Andre.

And I'm ashamed to say that I didn't know he was a comedian. I just thought he was working security or something because he had taken a couple months off doing comedy. And I saw him do a set and he was so funny he was so so funny i embarrassed myself afterwards because i went up to a different black guy and i said that was great and people around me said different black guy jimmy and i thought oh no but we can see us can we all similarities anyway andre was super. And I was bowling with him and Peter. We were on a team. And Andre bowls.

He said his father was a bowler. He bowls. I'd like to have him on the podcast just to talk about his bowling technique. And I'm sure his natural abilities as a comedian would really lift it to another level as well. And I'm sure his natural abilities as a comedian would really lift it to another level as well. His arm came way back behind him, high in the air. And then he brought it down and he had his arm. I realized my hand had been on the side of the holes.

His was underneath as though his fingers weren't in the hole. And if you were just holding it, that's the way you do do it i don't know if that makes sense beautifully balanced and he spun it so beautifully and the way he released the ball from high behind him and then he'd bring it down so close to the ground it did everybody else's bowling and it's just thumping into the boards. It sounds terrible. With great smoothness he'd bring it down. No weird bump. No damage to the floorboard.

Real beautiful bowling. And he didn't get the highest scores. He got some good scores but he did not I don't think get the, I do not think he got the highest score of the night good scores but he did not i don't think get that i do not think he got the highest score of the night i think that was tony who bowled very very very very well but let me tell you to witness the traditional beauty of this man's bowling it's even now i am genuinely moved thinking of of how he looked when he bowled.

I know this might start to sound a little death in Venice-y. There's a gay dude who watches a boy. And I think the boy's fine, but the gay dude dies on the beach. I don't even think he's gay. I think he just loves that boy. But watching Andre bowl, I mean. I don't even think he's gay. I think he just loves that boy. But watching Andre bowl... I mean, I don't bowl nice. People...

You know, I don't get results. I'm janky. I'm sure if I saw a video of myself bowling, I'd say, Oh, Jimmy, no. Don't let anyone see this. But Andre... He bowls like an angel. You'll need to see a video of it.

Thankfully, some of the boys that I started bowling with, I think, will be starting their own bowling podcast, which I suggested to them that they should, and then they let me know that they were already thinking about doing it, and, you know, I mean, they hadn't asked me, and we'd all started bowling together, and I would have said no anyway, but they're dead to me now, so what does it matter? No, I hope they have Andre on. I mean, I might have to have Andre on just to talk about bowling and what that means to him. Boy, boy, he bowled so fine.

Again, not getting huge scores. Decent, reasonable scores. But the technique was really something else. And I remember I spoke with Tony. So Tony's another door guy, and he... Tony was offered, I think, a bowling scholarship. It would be good to talk about bowling with Tony as well. And he decided not to do it, and he did something else with his life.

But he really bowls very well, and he gets the big scores. And he was talking about the double-handed bowl which traditional bowlers apparently don't like you get more strikes that way it's a higher risk higher reward it's easier for you to for it to go wrong basically but to spin it with two hands you know we've all seen we've all seen that done and that can um that can go either way but he said traditional bowlers don't like that and i i think watching uh andre bowl as his father bowled he must be bold that must be what bowling used to look like and they came up with a more calisthenic way of bowling and i didn't realize when i started bowling once a week or thereabouts with some friends that i'd fall into the same patterns of missing a the old the old world that there was a beauty to how people used to bowl that's now, you know, maybe it's more efficient,

maybe we hit more pins, but it doesn't... You know, Andre out there looking like a guy throwing discus on a Greek urn, like a Roman statue bowling. That's how I want to learn to bowl. I want the discipline that comes with getting to that level of bowling

even if it doesn't result in a great score if I can get the ball to do something like what I want and if I can look that smooth and that respectable it was something decent

something that made you think you're part of a society watching this man bowl anyway what I'm trying to say is I had some big feelings at the bowling I definitely have to end this podcast I should have ended this podcast a long time ago God bless you, God help you I've got to say is I had some big feelings at the bowling. I definitely have to end this podcast. I should have ended this podcast a long time ago. God bless you. God help you. I've got to get up in the morning, drive to Houston.

Please come to the Houston show. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I need you. Ketamaran Ho, goodbye. Ketamaran Ho, everybody. I love you.

ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle.

I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.