The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - i am dublin down

Episode Date: November 19, 2023

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CBC News. A very big welcome on this episode to the ladies of Dublin. And if anyone else is listening, fine, good for you. But just so you know, this episode is targeted exclusively towards Dublin ladies. We're trying to get the lasses, the women, the broads, the girls, the chicky babes, the chicky mamas, the mamacitas. These are the people, the women specifically, who we are trying to get in to support the podcast on this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. So a big top of the morning or top of the afternoon, top of the evening, top of the dusk,

top of whatever time it is where you are now in Dublin. Ladies, we have a series of things that I think might interest you in the podcast. This is my getting you in. And hopefully you listen to the other episodes that aren't exclusively targeted at Dublin ladies. You'll find enough here to enjoy separate to your identity, both as a Dubliner and as woman. Hear you roar. So let's start. All right.

It's a history episode. History. Or should that be? And I'm sure you can see where this is going, women of Dublin, herstory. This is a podcast all about me trying to buy a boat, usually, but to get you in and in things that you're interested about, we'll be talking about one of the great woman nautical heroes of your homeland, Ireland. I'm speaking, of course, about Grace O'Malley, Ireland's pirate queen.

And I would love to do a whole episode just about Grace O'Malley, Ireland's pirate queen. Sadly, though, there are very few references to her in Ireland's contemporary history written at that time. Probably because she was a woman and men are always trying to keep you women out of history, even the pirate queens. But this is a pirate queen. I believe she was from West Ireland and she was, she operated in the Tudor period, and did you know, and this is the big thing people say about her, she met Queen Elizabeth I, one of my least favorite historical figures, because she was, well, obviously, she's a ghastly, I mean, just read

anything about Queen Elizabeth I. Boy, there's a woman in history where there's no shortage of contemporary historical sources about her. Not so sadly, Grace O'Malley. Mostly, there are like verbal, unverifiable legends about when they met. Apparently they met and someone, Grace needed, Grace, the Queen Grace, Irish, unverifiable legends about when they met. Apparently they met.

And someone, Grace needed, Grace, the Queen Grace, Irish, Irish Queen Grace. She needed to blow her nose. And they gave her a silk handkerchief. And then she threw the hanky in the fire. And everyone at the English court was shocked that that had happened. And then she said, but in Ireland, when we blow our noses, we destroy the thing we just blew into. It's not that interesting a story.

And frankly, that is about as interesting as it gets. There are some songs written about her that don't have too much to do with her life. There's just... Yeah. I saw that there was a pirate queen of Ireland. I thought, that'll be great. We'll talk about that. Just flipping through the Wikipedia page.

Haven't really found anything interesting at all. So... Sorry. Sorry about that. We'll move on to the next part of the show that irish women might like and i'm talking of course about true crime only women are interested in true crime that's a fact i've checked if you're a man and you reckon you really like true crime, go to a psychologist. I reckon you'll find you've also got gender dysmorphia.

You're going to want to start shopping for dresses and doing your hair. Real pretty. Dublin ladies, to really target the true crime element, that targets it on all ladies. But again, we're narrowing it down today on ladies in Dublin. So, of course, we're looking at a dublin crime a true dublin crime and to keep it in theme with my podcast all about buying a boat it's also a nautical crime it's a sea crime it's an ocean crime on the first ever segment of Maritime Crime Time.

I know that's very similar to the sound effect that I used before. It's just that chord again and thunder. But I don't have time to do that. I can't be tasked with making hundreds of thousands of new sound effects for this episode. We've got to focus, all right, on the Irish women, specifically the Dublin women. Women of Cork,

fuck off. I'm just fucking with you, women of Cork. We'd love you to stay. Maybe you know some Dublin women and you can talk to them about the podcast. Dublin lasses,

there's all sorts of crimes, true crimes, that you like hearing about. Women, for some reason, not as keen at the moment on pretend crimes. Stealing a dragon. Anti-gnome hate crime.

A peeping Tom robot. They probably do exist. But this crime is a true crime even though the man accused, the men accused, they don't think it should be a crime. And the headline here, it's in the Irish Times,

headline, Yacht Captain Guilty of Drunk Sailing had quote, God-given right to be on liffy i assume it's the liffy not the lifey uh secondary headline boat refused to get out of shipping lane and delayed cruise liners approach court told look at that you get drunk and you have fun in a shipping lane and people put you in prison. You're stone cold sober with a bunch of Palestinian advocates on a jet ski blocking a shipping lane and people call you a hero. Okay, so the story is the true story.

A yacht captain has been found guilty of being drunk while erratically sailing a pleasure boat in Dublin Port shipping lane. Wait, this is the older story. This is the story from three years ago. Excuse me. Do you want the updated version? I don't know how to reveal this story. Anyway, he was let out on appeal. That's what the Irish Independent reported three years later.

Captain who claimed he had, quote, God-given right to sail on Liffey is cleared on appeal of being drunk. Well, that's case open, case closed. Let's move on to the next thing that Irish women might like. I think Irish women, everyone likes, you know, they say you've got to see it to be it. And so people tend to like successful people who are like themselves and they want to find out about it. You know, like fat women love Adele. And fat black women love Lizzo.

And it doesn't always hold up, you know, not for every field of endeavour. Camille Paglia is a small trans lesbian abortion advocate and conservative Catholics like her a lot. I don't know if you've ever seen the audience for Pink. They look like Pink. Or Taylor Swift. Ditto. And that sort of thing.

So who do women from Dublin love who's a big global star? Or Taylor Swift. Ditto. And that sort of thing. So who do women from Dublin love? Who's a big global star? Ireland's greatest ever songbird, Enya. I was unable to line up an interview with Enya. Here is a song that I've written, though, inspired by Enya obviously not inspired by Enya's music more inspired by the thought of Enya the way the word Enya sounds Enya's life story pictures of Enya Man all this thinking about Enya's got me thinking about Ireland.

Just as all my thinking of Ireland got me thinking of Enya, all my thinking of Enya's got me thinking of Ireland. What's it going to be like when I'm in Dublin? What's it going to be like when I arrive, possibly on my boat, to perform in Dublin. Coming into the port. Raising the sail. Walking into Dublin town. Staying at the finest Dublin hotel. Being careful. Because the women of Dublin.

Will be out for me. I'll say ladies please. I'm a married man. And I'll say, ladies, please. I'm a married man. And I'll be beating them off with a stick. Not too violent. Not enough to hurt anybody. It'll be a padded rubber stick. Because I don't believe in physically assaulting women even if they are challenging my chastity.

In Dublin, I've looked up the theatre that I've been performing at. I've decided the Olympia Theatre. Oh, it looks like the nicest theatre in all of Dublin. Opened in 1879. Let me tell you some of the acts who have performed at this beautiful theatre.

Adele! Usually, the concert hall seats 1,289 people when Adele is there only seats about 800 Ryan Adams Arcade Fire Bare Naked Ladies

David Bowie Charlie Chaplin Billy Connolly Florence and the Machine The Foo Fighters, Craftwork, Laurel and Hardy, LCD Sound System, Gary Newman, The Kills, Wolfpack, Tom Waits, R.E.M., they did a five night residency there. Sometimes they do a Christmas pantomime. It's a beautiful theatre. Have you ever noticed that since Adele got skinny, she hasn't had a big head?

Big lady needs a big head. That's one of the reasons I'm afraid of losing weight. What if people don't want to see me perform anymore when I'm all handsome and skinny. What am I going to talk about after my big corporeal troubles? Well, you know, that's another thing that the Dublin ladies should know. Is by the time I show up in Dublin, I'm going to be looking good. Because I'm trying to get the women involved. Don't think that I haven't seen the sort of men that women like seeing.

I've seen it! You're like a ripped, strong man. Beautiful flesh, muscle, bones and skin, tats. And what's very prized I know in, say, India, soft white pale skin. But when I'm in Dublin with the Dublin ladies, very different culture, you prize the bronze, man who's been in the sun, man who's been away.

So even though at the moment I could be very sexually appealing with my flesh in India. Or some parts of Africa. I think actually a lot of the world they prioritize white skin. But let me tell you, when I'm in Ireland, I'll be tanning up. Getting ripped, tanning up. Gold teeth, big hair. Going to become a physical specimen. Love Island style. I think you have that show there

And if You know what Love Island Love Island I love I love Love Island I love

Love Island This is fast becoming The sort of episode That we're not gonna do Any more of in the future Come the new year This sort of episode Is out

Sorry Irish ladies Who are having a great time listening to this episode we are absolutely never doing anything like this ever ever again and it's being removed from the internet in january 2024 it's gone behind the paywall so you better join up to that patreon but this is i'm telling you we're moving on to sleek professional content from here on out i've started writing some of the sleek professional content that i'm going to use as a mask to catch sort of a half mask half net to catch more listeners and extract more value and move towards a boat more swiftly

man sometimes i just think to what why even bother is the passion for a boat still alive in my breast why not just disappear why not go to a hermitage well i've got to look after my family i've got to Why do I even bother? Is the passion for a boat still alive in my breast? Why not just disappear? Why not go to a hermitage? Well, I've got to look after my family. I've got to provide for my family. I've got to put them on a boat. Ah!

Paul, how you doing? Do you want to come and tell people about the bar? All right. Paul's going to come and say nice things about the bar that he's running. It's actually going very well. It's opened. This is an ad. Now, well, technically, I mean, you're not paying, but let's have the ad.

And you let me work here. Tell us about the bar. Well, we're at 137 McGill Road. We're a literary cum jazz cum... What else? Don't enjoy that too much. You don't like the cum? No, I... We're trying to be respectful.

This is an episode for ladies in Ireland. Oh! Have you been to Ireland? Dublin? I've been to Dublin. I've been to Galway. I've been in between those two. Oh, right.

Galway I hadn't even thought of. Any messages for any women in Dublin that you might remember? Wait, hold on. Why am I putting an ad for my bar in Adelaide on an episode for women in Galway? No, not Galway. No, let's not get that wrong. In Dublin. In Dublin. Well, other people are allowed to listen to it too, so we might have some Adelaide people. Oh, hello Adelaide people. Come on down to Earnmalley, 137 McGill Road. We're open Wednesday to Saturday.

We've got live music this Friday. Maybe some mussels again, James? Maybe some oysters? Oh, great. This is the sort of seafood they go for in Dublin, I hear. Got live music this Friday Maybe some mussels again James Maybe some oysters Oh great This is the sort of seafood They go for in Dublin I hear I imagine they eat seafood in Dublin But I Bar's going great People love it

Hoax 1940s themed Literary salon Establishment James you don't Let people in On the hoax right away That's true

If you say the word hoax People know it's a hoax Well that's Earnmally's Get on Earnmally James, you don't let people in on the hoax right away. It's true. If you say the word hoax, people know it's a hoax. Well, that's Earnmally. Get on Earnmally. No genitive case. Earnmally. Oh!

Okay, Paul's gone now and it's just me. Let me tell you. Women of... You know what ladies like as well as being vulnerable. Talking about things about yourself that you're vulnerable about. Ladies of Dublin. I am feeling very vulnerable at the moment because i'm preparing to move my young family to the united states we have just about finished the visa process then the visa has to be processed i'm we're doing the process

and then it is the processing and then a meeting and then we get to hopefully it all goes ahead i've got work in january it's costing a lot of money to get this done but then i'll be in america with my family that's very exciting and this is probably something that as a dubliner you know quite well because you know there was that potato famine and then so many of you you know had to leave dublin to go to a new country as in the endocrine memory, whatever that's called, you know, you can feel the memories of your ancestors. Actually, Dublin ladies, you wouldn't feel that, would you? Because the only people who remain in Ireland to this day, who were there then, were the ones who didn't starve or leave the country. So, man, if you're in Ireland now,

you've probably been there forever. I was looking at the demographics of Ireland one thing that I wanted to do is you know maybe get one of the ethnic minorities in Dublin and appeal to them so if there was like a big Chinese base in Dublin which I assumed that there would be

then I'd really appeal to the Chinese Irish Dublin women. This is my current theory is you want to go, the more niche you, the easier it is to pick up that niche. And then you just get a number of niches. Niches? Niches. The unit is a Friedrich. So you want as many Friedrichs as you can.

And the smaller they are, the better. So, like, originally, with my comedy, I was just shooting for people. And that's too broad. So then you go, oh, I'll get the Australian people. That's a little easier. But what if I get Australian men? A little easier again. Well, what if I get Australian men aged 18 to 45?

Wow, a little smaller again. Well, what if I just get Catholic anti-vaxxer men in Australia at that age? Whoa, hang on. Now that's enough disqualifying factors that I got a good percentage of them on board. Obviously, they're not listening to this episode. This episode is just for you, Dublin women. But we should probably narrow it down again, I think. Let's get even more, let's get,

let's close that aperture. Do you know what I mean? Same amount of water. If the water is my talent, same amount of talent flowing through the aperture, but you close the aperture and make it more and more niche, and then the water accelerates faster, the pressure builds up, the smaller you go, the more finessed it can be, so look, if we try and do this in the

future, we'll see how we go, we'll see, we've cast a broad net in the Women of Dublin this episode, Women of Dublin, having listened to this episode, please feel free to get in contact with me. I'm on the Instagram, at JDFMcCann on the Instagram, and many other ways to get in contact with me as well. Spend a moment on Google. You'll find it. I haven't yet come up with a standardized way of getting in contact with me.

I'm going to set up a web form at some point. Get in contact, you know, because at the moment, I don't want to, I don't want to lower the aperture to something that you, the people already listening to, are not. Like if I started immediately going, well, look, say, for example, that I took a side on the Israel-Palestine conflict. That would be very silly if I said, if I came out and I said, I love Israel. What if I came out and I said, I love Israel. What if I came out on the podcast and I said, from the river to the sea, Israel will be free. And then I found out later on that all of my fans who I've just picked up in Dublin, Ireland,

were Palestinian Dublin Irishers with their, you know, anti-colonial bent or something. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So if you Dublin Irish women would get in contact with me and let me know a little about yourself, you know, age, sex, location. Well, we've got the last two. But age, political views, ethnicity. Am I getting some of Dublin's,

I think it's 4 point something percent Asian population. And even there, what kind of Asian? Because, you know, here in Australia, Asian means East Asian. But over there, you include people from the subcontinent as being Asian. It's a wacky, it's not as wacky as America where Pacific Islanders somehow count as Asian. And they go, Hawaii is all... Now listen, I don't want to get into a big race chat in case that's what, that turns you off. Include that as well.

How much racial content would you like me to be doing in the future basically hello that's what i want to get to at the end here hello women of dublin who have stuck with me to the if you're looking for flexible workouts peloton's got you covered summer runs or playoff season meditations whatever your vibe peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest.

And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Please get in contact with me. Tell me something about yourself, and I will, in the future, whenever I do anything Dublin woman related, because we can't turn the whole podcast into just a Dublin woman podcast. I have to get people from right around the world and catch them and move on.

You know, it's like we're a ferry service. That's the sort of boat that we're working with here is a ferry. to Dublin Woman podcast. I have to get people from right around the world and catch them and move on. You know, it's like we're a ferry service. That's the sort of boat that we're working with here is a ferry. People get on, we go for it. They get on, we go for it. Some people get out at the end, but hopefully we just end up with so many people on the boat that it sinks into boat ownership.

Yes, it's not the best metaphor that I've come up with on the show thus far, but it's not the worst metaphor either. So hello, Dublin ladies. tell me a little something about yourself happy to have you here, so proud I mean maybe it hasn't worked, maybe it hasn't we'll find out, it's all a test I mean all of these episodes are coming off the internet

anyway in January, they're going behind a paywall on the Patreon, so it doesn't matter if it's no good right now, obviously I'd like it to be great but we're experimenting, we're throwing the die. Thank you very much. Catamaran Ho, James Donald Forbes McCann.

My Monkey and I have something to hide. The new book of poems out now on Amazon. Go check that out. Well, don't. You know, I don't want to tell you how to live your life. You've got to live your life the way you want to live your life.

Gee, I've got to tell you that I wouldn't be reading some other guy's book of poems. Catamaran Ho.