The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - let's do it again
Episode Date: August 21, 2022Happy day, another baby is on the wayPerforming in Adelaide THIS WEDNESDAY (and also in Brisbane soon) http://www.jdfmccann.com/comedyJoin the patreon, get the goodies: www.patreon.com/jdfmccannMARLON... BRANDO 9/11 COMING SOON Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan.
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That's patreon.clom.
Clom? Ah, we f***ed it.
Anyway, look, you'll find a way.
Catamaran home!
You have never been in love.
You have never been in love.
You have never been in love until you've seen a man trying to buy a catamaran.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the podcast, James Donald Forbes McCann.
I am a piece of butter that has been scraped across too much bread. Hello and welcome to
this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. This is James Donald Forbes
McCann. And the purpose of this podcast ostensensibly, is to raise enough money for me to
buy a boat. How are we going with that? We need $500,000. We've raised a few thousand dollars.
To get that, though, we have also spent a few thousand dollars. But things are coming along
nicely. New Patreons all the time. More listeners all the time. How far away is a boat? I don't know. But today I want to open by sharing some personal news. There's been a lot of personal things going on that I haven't
really been talking about on the podcast because it was an improprietious time.
But let's talk about some of them now. Number one, my wife is pregnant. She's quite pregnant.
She's well into the second trimester now, so we're in a safe area.
This is baby number three for us.
It's going to be a boy, and we are so happy and so worried.
Such a joy, such a difficulty, but it's such a joy.
We're going to be fine.
It's going to be great. It'll be nice. It'll be nice. I'm told
at a certain point, the children start raising themselves. That's what I'm told.
Here's another nice thing. It's nice to genetically be above replacement rate. Your child is 50% you with the DNA.
And so in the next generation now,
there is 150% James McCann
that's going to be running around.
And that's a nice feeling after I'm dead.
But it's also the love
that you get to have for your children.
And isn't it wonderful to have love and sleep?
Sleep also important.
Love and sleep.
They're the two big ones.
Hello, I'm a comedian from the 90s.
Ah, it's going to be good.
It's going to be, it's just gotten easier.
There's the thing.
Like you have a newborn and you go, this is impossible.
I, we cannot do this. But you do it. You live day by day and you go, this is impossible.
We cannot do this.
But you do it.
You live day by day and you get by it.
And then one day, you know, about a year in, you go, whew, not so bad, actually.
Kids are sleeping more or less through the night.
We have some sort of life back.
I feel so optimistic.
Let's do it again. Let's do it again.
Oh, am I getting a phone call? Excuse me.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Okay.
Oh, hello.
Sorry.
How are you?
Sorry.
I do have a minute.
Yeah, absolutely.
Can I say how excited I am to come to Wagga Wagga?
All right, I finished the phone call and now we're back.
And you know what?
I am optimistic.
I am feeling good.
It is nice to get to go to Wagga Wagga.
I love Wagga Wagga.
Can't wait to come there.
I'm going to host a quiz night for someone's birthday.
It's going to be a real treat.
And I might get to do, the night before then, a live show.
My first gig in Wagga Wagga.
Dane Simpson.
I'll be getting in touch, seeing if we can work something out.
Hey, other live shows
coming up too.
This Wednesday,
we're having the
James Donald Forbes
McCann Cameran
Plan Extravagan.
That's this coming Wednesday,
August 24,
downstairs at the Rhino Room.
Come along.
It's going to be a top
professional,
excellent show.
Say more about that
in a moment
because I have some
weird burp that I keep trying to do.
And secondly,
a Brisbane show, September 2.
Tickets to both shows available now
at jdfmccann.com
Yes, this coming up
show, I am actually very excited
about it. Particularly
because there are two comedians
who I really like
and I think really have something to say in the Adelaide scene,
and I wish them all the success in the world.
Biddy O'Loughlin and Clay McMath.
But they don't have a proper recording of a five-minute set.
They just don't have it.
I mean, I didn't have it for a long, long time.
So they're coming down and they're going
to do their tightest, rightest comedy. I'm shooting the show with my two excellent Hill
Street Productions. Don't forget about Hill Street Productions and my mate Sam, and they'll
be shooting it double camera. And we're going to get a beautiful recording and I'm going to do a
bunch of new comedy material that I can cut up and put on the TikTok and the Instagram.
of new comedy material that I can cut up and put on the TikTok and the Instagram.
And it's going to be great.
It's going to be a really great, fun show.
Come on down this Wednesday.
Two days, three days away.
Soon.
Maybe it's tomorrow.
Maybe it's today.
I don't know when you're listening.
Statistically, probably it was in the past.
Anyway, it's this coming Wednesday.
And I'd love to have you there.
Patreon people get in free, but do you know, let me know. Come on down. We've got to fill it up.
It's a cold Wednesday in the, uh, in the late, is it late winter? Is it early spring? I don't even know, but it's going to be fun. And we're going to get good recordings for those people
and good recordings for me. And we're going to try some new things. It's going to be a lot of
fun. I love doing a live show.
And, well, I think I'm going to put a pause on live performances when this beta gets here in December.
Just for a while.
I don't know, three months.
My phone's going off again.
I absolutely must put an end to it.
Ah, yes.
Ah, hold on one moment.
Jack, you're live on the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan.
How are you?
I'm quite well.
How are you, James?
I'm very well.
Did you get the email I sent you with that content?
I got three emails.
It may have been one of those.
I don't know.
I think it was. I'm sorry. I'm those. I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm back now.
A little all over the shop.
Lots of weird work stuff going on.
Lots of weird work stuff going on.
Lots of weird life stuff going on.
Baby coming, moving house.
Oh, mercy me!
Someone described this podcast as vulnerable this week.
I heard somebody say that.
I was on Dan Illick's podcast, Irrational Fear,
one of the top left-wing political comedy podcasts in Australia,
maybe the top left-wing political comedy podcast in Australia, and it was nice of them to have me on, you know, as a conservative,
and I wish them well, and I can't wait to come on again and I hope I've got lots of
new hip groovy ABC watching lefty fans who can afford to come and see me perform live unlike my
usual fear of working class Catholic fans who cannot get away from their 57 children to come out and watch me do a gig.
Oh, mercy me!
And he said, James, I think he said, yeah, vulnerable.
And I thought, oh, I suppose it is vulnerable.
I suppose I, maybe, but maybe I'm just being honest and I am vulnerable.
I would love it if people said, hey, James, the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran podcast,
why, that's a muscular show of strength, isn't it?
And I would say, yeah, that's just how I am.
But I think I am just vulnerable, moving house, having this baby,
trying to make enough money to get this boat.
And last week, what an incredible week it was,
a really incredible week.
So on the last Wednesday.
Wednesday before last?
Ah, listen, there was a Wednesday and Shane Gillis came to town.
And I wasn't opening for Shane Gillis.
He's a wonderful stand-up comedian.
I think one of the best stand-ups in the world at the moment. I think if you took the hour that everybody wrote over the last year.
And that was the hour you were allowed to perform.
That I saw him perform.
It's one of the best hours of comedy I've ever seen.
I don't know that anyone in the world is doing anything that good at the moment.
It's wonderful.
So I went to go and watch him with my brother.
My brother took me along.
And Rudy, wonderful Rudes, local comedian,
he went on stage.
He was the opener.
And Rudy was so kind.
He let me go backstage after the gig.
And I asked Mr. Gillis, Mr. Shane Gillis,
if I could come and open for him in another city.
And he said, okay.
So I made a whirlwind trip to Melbourne to open for him there.
So nice.
Great hang.
Got to perform at the Athenaeum.
So lovely to perform at the Athenaeum in Melbourne.
My friend Casey put me up. And let me tell you about the Athenaeum. So lovely to perform at the Athenaeum in Melbourne. My friend Casey put me up and let
me tell you about the Athenaeum. Three tiers. It's not a huge room. It's 800 seats, but it is
three tiered seating. And so it's just so nice doing stand up. Usually you do stand up, you're
looking down and around, you know, you basically get to look at the audience of a normal comedy club on one axis. And that is sort of the X side to side axis.
But here you have the Y axis.
I'm looking up on, you know, top right, top left, middle right, dead centre, bottom right.
And then over to the left, sweeping up and down from the bottom left to the top left.
Yes, I loved performing at the Athenaeum Theatre. It was
a real joy. Hope to do that again soon. Hope to perform with Shane Gillis again soon. It
was wonderful. And Matt, his opener, he's got a kid. He's just had a couple, he's got
a couple young kids now. And what a thing it is to have young children and to work hard
and to do stand-up and to have to travel and to have to be away and for the heart to break and to just think,
why can't I have a boat?
And then I'll just pop the whole family on the boat
and then I'll only perform in coastal cities from then on.
Oh, there's one more thing I have to talk about,
a very important thing,
a very important thing that must be spoken about on today's podcast and that is the impending release of my book of poems, Marlon Brando 9-11, beautiful poems that
everybody will love. I have figured out how to have that launch, it'll be launching September 10.
I've got a forward written for it by Sean Haylock, who's not only a close personal friend, but an excellent writer.
And I thought, well, that's probably important, isn't it?
To seeming like it's a good book of poems.
You get someone who can really write to do the forward,
and then that plumps it up and that makes it more pages.
So that's pretty good.
So that'll be coming out.
And I have an interview with Jamison, who did the cover.
And I haven't seen the cover yet.
But the cover, once I get that cover, I will edit that cover interview
about telling her how to make the cover,
and then that will be on this podcast as well,
to build the hype, to build the anticipation.
I can't put it on pre-sale, which is weird.
There doesn't seem to be a KDP Amazon publishing option for that when they're printing on demand
so we'll just we'll have a big launch date and then is it possible that I will sell enough copies
of my book of poems to buy a boat I'm going to be making about $7.50 on each book of poems. They're so small.
These books of poems, I feel guilty charging more than $20 for the book.
Although quite a lot of poems in them.
And are these poems, are they dense with beauty and splendor and excellence and joy?
Sure, why not?
So $20 and I get about $7.50 and Amazon gets printing costs and there are shipping, I don't know,
there's tax.
But then of those $750,
if I manage to sell,
I think it's $125,000,
$12,500,
it'd probably be $125,000.
Well, actually with the tax
that I'll have to pay on it,
if I sell 100,000 copies of that book,
we're away.
We're away.
It's happening.
And maybe the poems, I don't think any book of poetry actually, other than, well, no living poet has sold that many poems before,
but maybe I like to think that's because their poems are not as good. And maybe my poems are of
such high quality, they will sell. If you sell three copies of the book, it will be a miracle.
Ah, no, they're not going to sell. Ah, maybe they'll sell some.
Hey, listen, this podcast is growing,
and if you buy a copy of this book of poems,
and you buy one to give to someone else,
if everybody buys one for themselves,
and one as a Christmas present,
well, we're getting as many as...
I'm trying to think how many...
We've got about...
400 downloads a week.
We're now up around the 400 downloads a week mark.
So if everybody who's doing that, that's 800 copies of the book.
And then maybe 200 separate poetry lovers love the book.
I think if we sold 1,000 copies of the book,
well, then we'd make $7,500.
And I think that would be an excellent thing to roll into next year. That's what I'm
really trying to think about now is next year. It's early enough in the year, but we're moving
house. We're having the baby. There's so much happening. Might have an international trip
coming up. I don't know. Certainly a trip to Wagga Wagga coming up. Love me some Wagga Wagga.
And don't forget Brisbane. And don't forget Adelaide this Wednesday. But like that will be one year in December when this new baby comes.
It will be one year of having done the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan.
Will I be financially anywhere near having a boat?
No, we're still a long way away.
But I think what we could do is we could say, right,
We're still a long way away.
But I think what we could do is we could say, right,
it took one year to get us into a position where the podcast could really start making the good money.
We have a Patreon base.
Yes!
We will have...
I'm going to start uploading all the videos on YouTube
and hopefully we can monetize the YouTube account.
Excellent!
We will have, I think by that point...
Hey, it's Mitch from SideNote Podcast tube account. Excellent. We will emails, I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver. And if I'm feeling stuck creatively, I just ask Gemini for help and bam, instant inspiration. You can learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com.
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Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. yes beautiful and a book out and some money here that's the thousands here it is 1 000 listens
right 1 000 let's say subscribers on the youtube channel to monetize that and 10 000 if we can have
all those things lined up by christmas day then i think think that gives us a footing.
There's a springboard.
Can you tell by the way I'm speaking that I'm nervous about the coming of the child?
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful to have a child and to have love.
But man, oh man, is it a lot.
We know a lot of people.
You know, it's Sunday.
I'm recording this on Sunday.
And at mass this morning, people are running around.
There's all these pregnant ladies and people we've known for years,
our dear friends.
And everyone's got, you know, two, three kids now.
And man, actually, one of the kids did some fighting today.
I won't embarrass anybody by naming the child,
but one child, like a two-year-old, was taking swings.
And another two-year-old and me and another lady who are not parents of this
kid we lifted up the boy who was taking a swing the muscle mass on this two-year-old was unbelievable
the power in these arms like i was afraid i thought that child could wrap me you know oh
he could just pin me down and do whatever he wanted it was terrifying it was a terrifying moment but i was also like extremely impressed you know and it totally
that's inbuilt that kid's not doing weights that's just a massively that kid doesn't even
have testosterone probably i don't see how that could be maybe they have some testosterone just
like super powerful i was like man that kid's almost that's a two-year-old who's almost stronger than me now oh whereas some kids are so weak and soft
like not in a bad way but they're just like frail and dainty and you go i could abduct this child
right now this is a pleasant pliable child uh you couldn't put up a fight you're five six seven
eight ten fifteen twenty thirty five year old you couldn't put up a fight. Five, six, seven, eight, 10, 15, 20, 35-year-old,
you couldn't put up a fight.
Some people have fight and some people don't.
All my kids have fight.
My, they're wriggly, bristly, prickly, aggressive, difficult people.
And I wish it was nurture, you know,
because then you could just raise them in a way
that they were easy to look after.
But no, sometimes I think it's all, I think I'm a 95 to 100 percent. It's nature
type person. I mean, nature, nurture split. I don't believe in the nurture stuff at all.
Obviously, I believe in nurturing as an expression of love, but I don't think it makes a difference.
Ah, look, I used to pray. I prayed on the second one. God, give me a...
God, please give me a more easy to manage child.
And he didn't.
And so this time I'm just praying for the strength
to deal with the child I get.
I love these children.
These big, beautiful, difficult, strenuous children.
Oh, I want to be strong enough to...
That's a good affirmation.
It's as good an affirmation as any
affirmation
I want to be strong enough
to provide
to look after my family
just to maybe calm down
just to enjoy the opportunities
and the good things that are coming
affirmation
just yeah to enjoy
affirmation
but to work hard
we've got to find a new house
affirmation
I've got to find a new house
I've got to find some house to move this family into.
Ultimately, I hope to find a beautiful watery house.
A sea house.
Some sort of boat.
Affirmation.
Catamaran, even.
Affirmation.
But it's a long road.
It's a long road.
I'm sorry that this one's been a bit all over the shop.
So much to say.
Well, hopefully I will synthesise some of these things
into beautiful
stand-up comedy this wednesday in adelaide and you can come watch me and sorry the
children is everything all right down there
oh i love you i need you i miss you god help me god help me god help me god help me god help me
god help me all right love you need you help me. God help me. God help me. All right. Love you. Need you. Catamaran ho.
Thank you, everybody, for listening.
The listenership keeps going up and up and up.
Thank you to Shane Gillis and Matt for having me on their tour.
It was so fun.
Thank you for Dan.
Dan of Irrational Fear for having me on.
So cool to do that podcast and all the hip new drips from Drip Twitter
coming over and listening to mine
great to have you here
drip drip drip drip
fill up that water
get me that boat
and thank you to everybody
who came out to the show on Wednesday
that hasn't happened yet
but if you've listened to this in the past
and you did come
thank you
keep it real everybody
Marlon Brando 9-11
Catamaran Ho
James Donald Forbes McCann join the Patreon new episode every week here's a song Thank you. Thank you. This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel.
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