The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - LET'S GET READY TO WHIP

Episode Date: May 7, 2023

Tickets for this week at the Sydney Comedy Festival, particularly Wednesday: https://www.sydneycomedyfest.com.au/event/james-donald-forbes-mccann-mccannifesto/Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! We've got a lot to talk about.

We've got a lot to talk about. Big changes. Big things happening in the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan universe. Currently podcast universe. Cinematic universe? Is it on the way? No, that's not the news. Big things happening. Alessio Carducci, I dropped him at the airport today. Big stuff

happened this week. What an exciting week. Having my client in town and pimping him out all over the place for gig after gig after gig. I have some updates on that. But first, I'd like to say I'm in Sydney this week. Strong. This Wednesday and this Friday, I'm doing shows.

That Friday show is, I don't need you there, frankly. We've sold enough tickets to make that one work. Please, if you're a Sydney listener, consider coming along on the Wednesday night if you're free. I'd love to have you there at my Sydney Comedy Festival show, Mechanifesto. Tickets on sale now. Anyway, listen, more importantly, oh, so much to talk about.

I went to a medieval fair. That has nothing to do with the catamaran plan. But boy, oh boy, I enjoyed my time at the medieval fair. Very fair indeed. Those people haven't seen the sun since the last medieval fair would be my guess. There were some people with that green translucent skin. The sort of skin you only find on people who own and operate a desktop computer in their disgusting little bedrooms.

Anyway, it was a great time. And I've got so much to say about it but I'm not going to say it right now because I've actually written I think a pretty good five minutes about it that I'll be doing in Sydney for the Sydney Comedy Festival at my show. But listen, here's what I want to say.

Alessio Carducci, he's my client. I get 20%. I've had him here this week. We did a lot of wonderful things together. We went to the Central Market. We went to the Medieval Fair. But most importantly, we did comedy shows.

And let me tell you this. There's one thing I know. It's Alessio Carducci. He's the man. He's the guy with the hip, cool jokes. I saw him do a gig on Wednesday night downstairs at the writer room he did 40-50 minutes and 30-40 minutes of that was absolutely terrific

the Anglos and the Wogs and the Hipsters and the Normies they all thought he was very very funny and with a little self confidence just a little polish he's there he's on the level he's ready to break on through Alessio Carducci he's my client Alessio Carducci 20% he's on the level. He's ready to break on through. Alessio Carducci, he's my client.

Alessio Carducci, 20%. He's my meal ticket. He's my boat into the future. I'm booking him on gigs right across the country. Brisbane, the Gold Coast, Perth, Sydney. Better ones in Melbourne than he gets on his own. And after that, I see even bigger things on the horizon. Cruise ships, TAB commercials, sports bed commercials.

He could even do commercial radio. Just get him in the room with a woman who laughs at his jokes and an ex-Big Brother contestant, 20% of one of those big contracts. And a part of me goes... Hey James, wasn't it meant to be you making it as a comedian? Weren't you meant to be a star? Maybe that wasn't meant to be. Maybe I'm just Salieri in the movie Amadeus

where I see the genius touched by God, given a gift that I cannot participate in. I can only witness. I can only help. Like in that last scene where Mozart lies dying, I can help bring it into the world somehow. But only as a handmaid. I mean, who knows?

I still think I'm pretty good at comedy and people should come to my show on Wednesday. I might even be a... There's a cat in my front yard? Cat in my front yard? There's a possum what is that what is that what's odd is that I have no strange feelings about my own career for having seen the greatness of Alessio Carducci it's possible for me to go out and do my comedy but then also

just be such a good manager for him to elevate his comedy and take 20% of that. And then you know what? I'm not above getting other clients too and taking 20% from all of them. And then if I get five of them, that's like there were two James McCann's out there. And if I get 20 of them, that's like even more. I don't have the maths on me, but I feel like it's possible I mean I've done the work of a manager now it's not that hard I could do that for like 50 people at once and take all not all of their money but lots of their money for a boat in short I'd like to say thank you to Alessio Carducci for letting me manage him this week it was an honor and a privilege and a really good time. And I think I could manage other people too. It's a lot of fun. It's quite fun being a manager. You just get to give sage advice to people and book them in for shows and take

some of the profits. I'd also like to say a big thank you to James Wallace, who performed on the show on Wednesday and towards the end of the trip, put Alessio up in his home. I just said at the gig, does anyone here have the ability to take Alessio into their house? Because the cost of the hotel, I thought he was going to stay with us, but then I looked around at our house, and we've got three children under four, and there's piss everywhere. I don't want to get into too much of it,

but there's a shocking amount of piss when you have children of that size. And so I said at the gig, so I got him a cheap hotel, and I said, if anyone could have him, and James Wallace had him come to stay, and as a result, we possibly made a small amount of money on the trip. I will do the finances on that, and I'll see how much that was worth. I'll send out all the invoices. Either way, a big expense of this was filming Alessio's special. So even if there's not money off this one, we're going to have a half hour special that he can have come out. And what a wonderful thing that is. Okay. Now, if you remember,

after I announced that Alessio Carducci was my client, a man named Jake Ford, who used to live in Brisbane and now lives in Melbourne, let me know that he was also interested in being my client. And I read out a letter that he had sent to me, and I said, well, I need you to send me some of your stand-up comedy. He did, and he's actually quite good. I think he's got a bright future ahead of him. He's done less stage time than Alessio Carducci. So I think before I sign him, he's got to do more stage time.

But I wanted to interview him. And we tried to line up a time. And it was so difficult with the Alessio stuff in my evenings. And he has a real job. And so I said, let's do it over voicemail. Like, what if we started doing interviews over voicemail on the show? And I really think that this, I think it went quite well. We'll play it for you now, the interview I did with Jake Ford.

But I think this voicemail interview might be easier than sitting down over Skype, taking time out of someone's day. Just do 30-second increments with them, or however long they want to talk for in the voicemail, and then edit it up to sound like a real conversation. So, and something really wonderful came out of the conversation i think is going to change the podcast in a meaningful way so here for you now is my interview with jake ford how do you feel about doing the interview entirely over voice memos like this one i've been thinking about doing more interviews over voice memos now it could still be quite been thinking about doing more interviews over voice memos.

Now, it could still be quite a long interview, but it would be over voice memo. I think this is an interesting and exciting technology that could be used to great effect in our future. The only caveat being that voice memos are there for only one minute in duration, generally. So we would be doing this 20 or so times uh for your podcast or 15 times to do it via voice memo yeah i mean i think basically the thing is um i mean we could have already started we've just already started now. And this is the interview. Hey, how's that? This is the first bit of the interview and I'll just edit it together

so that it'll all sound like just one normal conversation instead of a series of voice memos. What do you think about that? Wow, boy, golly gosh, what a, what an exciting opportunity to be on the first James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan avant-garde voice memo edition it's um it's truly an honor um especially compared to the uh the dishonor maybe that you did uh me last week when you read out my letter in a cadence that made it sound like um I was really good at logarithmic regression but uh really real shit at eye contact. Yeah. But I want to thank you for sending me that letter and I want to thank you for giving me permission to read it on the podcast.

And I want to say, first of all, for the listeners, that these voice messages are going back and forth several hours apart, but for them, won't it be exciting? It'll just all feel like in one piece. Especially the next gap because I'm about to go to sleep. So I'm going to formulate a good response and go to sleep and come back. Come back with you in the morning. See, even there, the last message that I sent was last night.

And then I immediately went to sleep because I thought, you know what? I'm going to treat myself. And these voice memos, they're like really convenient as well, because you could say something. I mean, you could say anything, really. You could say something pretty terrible, like the fact that and then you could delete it and then burn his digital identity. And then no one would ever know that it was out there, you know, much the same as a normal podcast. But it's just as convenient, I guess. But I do want to thank you for reading my letter that's incredibly kind and incredibly

heartwarming but I also I also noticed the fact that in my letter I said that I am gay but I do not have any gay material because that is not my identity but then you noted that I did not have any material attached to the email, any stand-up material at all. So then I just proceeded to send you the absolute gayest possible material, which coincidentally is the worst material that I have. So I guess it is simply just the fact that I only record the worst and coincidentally gayest sets imaginable. So sorry. You know, it was very gay. It was very gay, but it was, I thought also pretty good. And I thought, I thought your stage presence was good.

You've got a character. The only thing really missing from that performance is a lot of time doing open mic gigs, like a lot of time treading the boards under five minutes to get so comfortable that you go to the next plane. It's just time. I think the only thing... Hello! I need a wee-wee.

You need a wee-wee? Why is there a message? I'm just recording a voice message. Hold on. I'm going to the shower. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you.

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At UBC, our researchers are answering today's most pressing questions. To learn how we're moving the world forward, visit ubc.ca forward happens here. Excuse me. OK, I'm out of there. This is, I think, the big difference between yourself and Alessio with where the careers are at right now is Alessio is an anxious depressed man but who does nothing but open mics you know six nights a week for years I mean he's there he's primed and you have great promise but I think it's just a matter of time for you to gig and like and you've done the right thing by moving to Melbourne but I don't know what I can do for you like for Alessio it's very easy for me to just say put this man on on, give him an hour. But I, and that's, he doesn't have to develop, but I think you need some development time. And if I was like a good management house, like token,

what I would do is I would have you on the roster and you'd be open micing all the time. And then I'd own you once you finally got out. But I don't think there's work I can currently do for you, other than saying you're doing the right thing. Get out to the open mics. Keep going. That said, I did have a dream last night of a job, like a media job that I could give you that would help to raise your profile during this time

and keep you working, you know, in show business. So I wonder, if I can't sign you, would you be interested in an ongoing role on the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan to raise profile? Yeah, I think what you said is actually really good as well. A little bit more gestation time and just hitting the pavement and working those open mics just over and over and over again quite frequently is probably the best thing to do because it'll just take time. And I think it just needs a little bit more time to get a little bit better.

That is a good, very good point. That being said, what's this position? I'm very open to it. I'm sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I'm just at a medieval festival. I'll let you, hold on, I bet I feel bad about it. I'll write back. Also, Alessio's here and he's got a gig for you on Sunday if you want it. That's tomorrow? He's got a gig for you tomorrow. Don't worry about that at all, James. All is forgiven.

Yeah. You ever stand in the rain and think about the monarchy? Because I'm standing in the rain and thinking about the monarchy. And yeah, it's grim. But also, Alessio, thank you. I shall definitely be there. I'm just getting myself a yogurt drink. He says you can do the gig, the gong show.

It's a gong show. If that's all right, you can do the gong show. And my idea is this. You go around to someone every week. We do like a 30-second whip around. You go to a new person who doesn't know about the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan, and you tell them. And you go, hey, you should listen to this podcast.

And you record that, and you send that to me. And you say, yeah, is it? Oh, thank you. Excuse me that and you send that to me. You say, yeah, is it? Oh, thank you. Excuse me, I'm just going to get mine to tell a drink. Anyway, that's the idea. Yeah, that sounds actually pretty good. I think I could, I definitely could do that, yeah. Perhaps we might have to go and get a QR code

or some pamphlets that you used to hand around at some of your shows, which had the general gist with the little QR code to scan it. I could chalk them up and carry them around as well as I find people on the streets and harass them about this... This... This very lucrative endeavour that they could be a part of. Yeah, I'm in.

Sensational. Do you want to do one at the gong show tonight? I think I got Alessio to the plane on time, so he should be back. But if you've got time to go to the gong show, give it a go with just someone random on the street, and we'll put it on the next podcast, which is coming out tomorrow. I'm going to record most of it today, but let me know how it goes. I'm excited, and thank you for participating in this wonderful venture.

So Jake Ford has not yet actually sent me back that voice message and it's podcast recording time and I like to have these done pretty sharply. So when Jake Ford sends me that message, that'll be uploaded of him telling someone about the podcast and I think that should be a weekly segment. But here's another thought that I had. Why limit it to just Jake? Why not open that up to the whole world? We've got listeners everywhere. Jake's in Melbourne. We want more Melbourne listeners. That's very important.

But we want more listeners everywhere. So a new segment. Here it is. The JDFMCP Whip Around. Whip Around. Sounds like a good idea. Whip Around. Whip Around.

Here's how it works. Send me a voicemail on Instagram. I'm at JDFMcCann. And you just go up to somebody, record the thing, and tell them about the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. You could start by introducing yourself. You could say, hello, my name is X. I'm in this city.

Could be Copenhagen, Moose Jaw, Addis Wythe, wherever you are. And you could say, and I'm here telling my friend Jonathan, you know, whatever their name is, to listen to the James Donald Forbes Catamaran Plan podcast. Will you do it, Jonathan? Or Steve or whatever. And then Jonathan will be there

and that'll be recording and they'll say something like, uh, what? And you'll go, thank you. And then you submit that to me and I'll put it on the podcast. And that way we all grow. Content is provided. People are being told'll put it on the podcast. And that way we all grow. Content is provided.

People are being told all the time about the podcast. And eventually that'll just be a lovely little sign-off, won't it? Like I'll do the affirmations at the end of the podcast. And then we'll do the whip around. And then we'll meet people from all over the world. It'll be, hello, I'm in Japan. I'm in the country of Japan. And I'm here with my friend'm in the country of Japan.

And I'm here with my friend Hirohito Okazawa. Or Steve. Do you want to listen to the podcast, Hirohito? And Hirohito will say, okie dokie. And you'll be at a very honourable time. Or perhaps you're all the way in Johannesburg or Fiji. Doesn't matter where you are. Record yourself telling someone who doesn't know about the podcast to listen to it.

Send that voice message to me on Instagram, and I will put it on my next podcast with the James Donald Ford's We Can Catamaran Plan Whip Around. And, of course, Jake Ford, Pride of Place. Every week, because if not quite his idea, of place every week because if not quite his idea it was an idea i had while having a dream after we had spoken so jake ford get that into me everyone else get that into me and next week we're going to start an ongoing process of the thank you to jake ford who i am now elevating to third mate of the podcast. We have first mate Sam Clark, second mate Margot, third mate Jake Ford. And I guess Alessio is a, well, he's a good mate, you know. And thank you to Alessio.

Oh, it's just, it was such a beautiful week and a hard week. It was a really, it wasn't hard for any of the Alessio-related reasons or Catamaran-related reasons. And I'm not going on about this as much on the podcast as maybe I used to, but having small children is a lot. And our youngest, he has been very quiet but he's recently developed a dislike for the automobile and as we were driving, I had Alessio in the car. We actually went and we met Margot at the Renaissance Fair but as we were driving up

and I had my wife locked up in the boot of the car and the three kids in the middle and the youngest, now four months old or five months old, just screaming, screaming. There was nothing I could do to drown it out, nothing I could do to help it. And because when you're driving with a baby screaming, when there's a baby screaming some other time, you can just sort of drown it out and not pay attention to it. But when you're driving, you have to be constantly paying attention.

And inside of my windscreen is getting all foggy. I've got to have the car serviced. And it's just like, ah, was what was going on in the head. And then we got there and it was just such a beautiful wholesome medieval fair experience and to just be able to show my children what a real nerd looks like what a real flesh and blood pasty nerd it was so nice it was very wholesome and a great time and much respect to all the people running and attending that event i also just know i'll be going to every medieval fair from now on i think one of the reasons i feel so emotional at the thought or the sight of people with that

very indoorsy skin that very very green skin of the indoors type, desktop computer type individual, is because it really could have gone that way for me. I don't really know why it didn't, but I played a lot of video games in high school and I'm now just so scared of that sort of thing. so scared of that sort of thing. And I do look forward to just getting this boat on the high seas. And I think, well, if there's a turnaround this week, it's that I can actually now see a future where I could, you know, you write a book of poems and you go, these will sell a lot

and I will have a lot of money. And then it doesn't necessarily happen. and I will have a lot of money, and then it doesn't necessarily happen. I don't know what the result will be of some of these projects, but as a manager, I do know where the money is and how much money could come in. And if I did develop a roster, I won't necessarily do it, is the other thing. I can see that to be a really successful manager, it would take up a lot of time and effort. But I'm enjoying the furtive stages now. And I think I could be good at it enough one day to use that money to buy a boat. If the boat thing was the only important thing to me, that's what I'd do. But I want us to have good, prayerful things, you know,

and if being a comedy manager is the most fulfilling thing I can do. I don't know, I'm enjoying making music this week. I've done a couple more covers. I posted a song on the end of last week's podcast. We did a little video and we put it on Spotify. It's going very well. More than the comedy I think the only thing holding it back

is my voice, I'm not much of a singer maybe I can find a singer I'll say this I went to confession this week, I haven't been to confession in a long time I went to confession on Friday night and I really had it out with my confessor

I wouldn't say argy-bargy Friday night, and I really had it out with my confessor. I wouldn't say argy-bargy, but I pushed back on some things I was having trouble with. Go and find a good confessor. It's very beautiful. Very beautiful, the sacrament of confession. Anyway, I just wanted to share that. I hope you all have a wonderful week. I hope you all have a wonderful strong. I don't like saying the word week. Midnight, not a sound from the pavement Has the moon lost her memory?

Is she smiling alone? In the lamplight, the withered leaves collect at my feet And the wind bee begins to know I breathe all alone in the moonlit I can smell the old days I was beautiful then I remember the time I knew what happiness was Let the memory

live again To be a man, to be a man, to be a man, to be a man Touch me, it's so easy to leave me Alive with the memory of the days in the sun If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is. Look, a new day has begun. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you.

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