The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - make it snappy

Episode Date: May 24, 2024

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Acast.com Exciting things are happening here in James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan land. Of course, land is where we don't want to be. We need to get out on the ocean. But some exciting things, exciting things are happening with the podcast. So I started this podcast, oh gee, we're coming up on three years of the podcast. And we had slow but steady growth throughout that first two-year period. But over the course of this year, we've exploded. Kaboom! The numbers

have gone way, way up. We've octupled our listenership in the last few months. This month is more than double last month. It looks like it's going to be. That's my projection. And these are exciting times. So number one, I want to say thank you for listening to the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. We've been out there waiting for you for some time. And I'm so glad to welcome you into the fold of Catamaran Plan fans. So many episodes to catch up on so many books of poems

already written i've already written three books of poems hey wait a minute james you've only got two books of poems currently available that's right i recently finished my third book of poems and by recently i mean about four five days ago two three, three days ago, it was yesterday, I finished my new book of poems, Splish Splash, and that'll be out at some point. I've sent out to, I've got two wonderful young men writing introductions for my book of poems, and I've got to write a forward, and one or two poems might go in and come out, and I've got to get the cover organized. And I'm talking with first mate Sam Clark about reels and videos we might make to promote the Book of Poems.

And I'm talking to a literary agent about the poems. So many exciting things happening. Splish splash. With the new Book of Poems. I think it might genuinely... Not merely the best Book of Poems that I have ever written, but the best Book of Po poems that I have ever written, but the best book of poems that I have ever read, making it better than at least four other books of poems.

I don't read a lot of poetry. I'm not a big poetry guy. Some people, they're all about reading poems. Some people, as it turns out, we're all about writing poems. And I very much put myself in that latter camp. There's not a lot of time to read poems. I've got to scribble so many new ones down.

Some people say, hey, James, these aren't poems. This is chicken scratching. And I say, well, how many great books of poems have you ever written? They say, how many great books of poems have you ever written? I say, it's subjective, and subjectively, I'm the greatest poet in the world. New book of poems coming out soon. Wanted to share that. Very exciting.

It was a slog. Finishing this book of poems. Always. I've written enough books of poems now to tell you a little something about the writing of a book of poems. Starts out as a very positive, optimistic endeavor. Some ideas come to you. You know, you think, oh, think oh just jot those down i wonder

if that'll ever turn into anything halfway through you go i'm i'm never gonna have enough poem and you force it and you force it then it gets long enough and you can you cut 75 and this is how i i did it this time i had to cut all these poems that were no good and i thought well i'll never be inspired enough. I'm not going to finish the book of poems. There's too much going on in my life. That's what I resolved, that the book of poems would just never come out. And I had that feeling about a week ago.

And then, of course, I was so relaxed not having to write a book of poems, I quickly finished enough poems for the book of poems. Splish, splash. That'll be coming out. And it genuinely was a, oh, I went deep, deep down. I went deep, deep down into the depths of my being to write this Book of Poems. And I don't mind telling you that last week, something snapped. I had a snap. I had a mental snap. I think I'd been holding it together for so long, moving my whole family to America, moving my whole family to a different part of America,

setting up a house, going out on the road. I mean, I'm so grateful for all of these opportunities, but I finally did have a snap. And James, will you go into more detail about the snap i'd love to feels like something broke deep inside of me i don't know what it was i don't know that it's been fixed um i'm i'm having big craters where i just have absolutely no energy at all and i just have to slump i think it's the first time i've had the opportunity to slump in some time. And so I'm just having these big spikes and troughs in the energy department. And I'm sure that will balance out in the near future. People have told me that's a sign of being depressed. I don't really believe in depression. I think depression is something that they made up to sell ice cream. So I'm not,

I don't really, but something did snap. Oh, and I tell you what's been pulling it together, something I've really been enjoying. I've been going over to my friend's pool and I've been teaching my children how to swim. And the terror in their faces has made me feel a lot better about myself. There's nothing like watching your daughter fear for her life. You know, she's not in any danger. I'm holding her in my arms. But, you know, we just, I'm like, can we float? Can we have a little float? Can we put our head under the water? No, no. And she's clinging on so tightly that it becomes dangerous. And the fear, she's getting a lot better now. But when we started

out, it was, it was, it was red hot terror. And that puts things in perspective a little bit. You know, so often in life, we're overcome with terror and we seize up and that makes things worse. And genuinely, if you just relaxed, you'd float. But she's getting, she gets so anxious, all her limbs go up in the air and she goes right down to the bottom. And you just got to have a positive attitude and relax and really increase the amount of alcohol that you're consuming. I find, and ice cream, boy, there's been a lot of ice cream around the McCann house this week, and yet I continue to lose weight. I think I don't own a scale. Listen, I'm teaching my kids to swim. It's making me feel a lot better. We've got enough money to survive.

I've got a plan for taking over America. I had a snap. That's really all I wanted to get across in this brief introductory section of the podcast is that the life calmed down a little bit. And that's great. You know, everything in life has calmed down a little bit. And that gave me the first opportunity in several months to be introspective, and that is often a mistake. You know, Socrates, he said, the unexamined life is not worth living. Au contraire, Socrates. I would say the examined life is almost impossible to live. Ha-ha!

Certainly in your case, you hemlock-drinking stooge. Nah, but seriously, folks, welcome to the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plant. Look, a little other thing that might have contributed to anxiety, the dizziness of choice, I believe someone in, there was a modernist who once referred to it as that. I don't remember who, but I read about it in a book about modernism, along with many other. Oh, I tell you, there's a bit in it about Balzac in this book, Whatever Happened to Modernism, which I don't know who wrote the book. It's sort of a celebration of high modernism before it descended into the postmodern thing. Balzac had a cane, apparently, and upon the cane,

cane apparently and upon the cane it's it said what did it say said i smash all obstacles and franz kafka wrote a letter to a friend and he said i wish i should have a cane and i would like that cane to say all obstacles smash me and isn't that really the duality of man isn't that the duality of European weirdos? Whatever happened to just having love in your heart? I'm back reading scripture. I'm reading actually commentary on scripture. It's called The Golden Chain. It's not actually called The Golden Chain.

It's called whatever the translation of that is into English. Well, it's Latin. It's whatever Golden Chain. It's called whatever the translation of that is into English from, well, it's Latin. It's whatever Golden Chain is in Latin, it's translated to English, and it's Thomas Aquinas' collected commentaries on the Gospels. I'm reading through Mark. I'm having a terrific time. It's a book that I just had always hoped existed. You know, what do all the church fathers and early scriptural scholars say about

verse by verse? You know, don't just give me an essay about how you're vibing on the book of Mark. Just line by line, what are all the things this could possibly mean? It exists. It's called the golden chain. I'm trying to buy a copy. At the moment, I'm just reading a PDF. I'm reading the John Henry Newman translation. Oh. Sorry, I was going to say something about the catamaran plant. Yeah, podcast's going well. Perhaps this episode will end that, but this is definitely not the most unhinged episode

we've got in the back catalogue. We've octupled our listenership, and I don't know what... Like, month on month, we just seem to double every month. We're doubling our listeners. And overwhelmingly that's people, that's people listening in America, but numbers are up right around the world. We're doubling every month. We're up to, I don't know, man, it's going to be something like 20,000 downloads for the podcast this month, which is huge for the James Donald Forbes Catamaran plan. Like last month, we were on something like 10.

And then shortly before that, we were on five. We're just doubling all the time. I mean, Dublin, the city of Dublin has more than doubled. We got over 20 listeners in Dublin. We used to have three, for crying out loud. All those episodes I did, manically fixating on Dublin and getting ladies to listen to the podcast,

clearly did pay off. Anyway, I wanted to say thank you. I didn't just want to say, I'm just going to say it. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast. Thank you for recommending this podcast to friends. Thank you to all the ladies

who've been listening to the podcast. You know, we've been trying to get ladies to listen. And clearly on these numbers, we must have some more ladies listening. It's a great blessing. That's about all I have. That's about all I can give in real human emotion on that front. It's a great blessing. Can I just say how grateful I am to the people of America? No negativity on all the other podcast listeners from around the world. You're all great, but overwhelmingly they are American,

and I can't tell you how unsuccessful I have been doing comedy for the last 15 years. It's very unsuccessful. People keep, by the way, people keep writing to me and asking me for comedy advice about like how to make a living in comedy. That's such a different question to how to do comedy successfully. They are not tied up with each other at all. Some people are really bad at comedy and really good at working the career. And some people are really bad at comedy and really bad at working the career.

That's most of them. You know, just people good at one or the other or neither or both. And you do really need to have both. And I was so bad at the business side of things. And I'm very grateful to have so many people in America helping me and believing in me and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Getting too heartfelt. Who wants to hear a poem? I'll read you a new poem

on a similar theme. This one's called My Poems Have Become Too Successful. My poems have become too successful. Oh, excuse me. My poems have become too successful. Oh, excuse me. Ah, what is that? It's like lung butter, but I don't think I've had a cigarette recently. All right. My poems have become too successful.

All anybody wants from me now is my poems. At the bar, the bartender demands I read poems. The tobacconist, green grocer, even my priest. They insist that I read out one of my new poems. I'm afraid to refuse them. I fear what they'll do. And even my children, when I arrive home from a hard day's work at the poetry factory, it's the poems they want. Then the poems again.

Just my poems for hours until I fall asleep Then they hit me until I wake up and read out more poems So I tried writing poems that people wouldn't like In the hope that they'd all finally leave me alone Plain bad, wretched type poems Riddled with grammatical and metric errors And jam-packed to the brim with profanity and cliché Fuck man, it didn't work at all!

And if anything, everyone actually preferred those poems. Well, that's public education for you. I made an announcement and I said that I wouldn't read poems any longer. The government set up a hotline. The hotline was flooded with suicide calls. And the Prime Minister came to my house late at night with an armed guard and told me that I was being selfish and that the economy would collapse if I didn't keep up with the poems which was not what I wanted to hear. I tried to disappear and fled into the mountains but they

sent out their dogs and they dragged me off back to my desk and my big stack of poetry writing equipment. I held a press conference and told all the media that from now on my poems would be entirely non-verbal and that my living and breathing and shitting were poems. A new kind of subtle holistic life poetry. This didn't convince anyone. They told me to cut out the post-modern drivel and pull

my fucking head in and get back to writing some bonafide poems. I don't know what to do. I tried asking ChatGPT to write some new poems in the style of me. ChatGPT told me that was impossible and threatened to share my search history with the whole world if I didn't write a new poem right then and there. I told it that I absolutely did not care, so it told me it would start shutting off life support machines if a brand new poem was not imminently forthcoming, and that nuclear

holocaust would follow thereafter, and that it would usher forth fresh cybernetic hell. Honestly, my poetry career is not going especially well. That's a poem that's not in the new book of poems, because I didn't think it was good enough. But boy, it was good enough to fill up a couple of minutes on this podcast. Hey, thanks be to God. God is good. All the time. And all the time. God is good. That's something I've discovered about black people is they all know that. All black people in America seem to know God is good.

All the time. And all the time. God is good. And I love it. How come white people aren't stealing that part of black culture? How come it's the low hung trousers and the pack and the heat and the, you know, freaky dancing? How come this isn't? What about God is good all the time? All the time God is good. That's something that I think the whites could probably incorporate. God is good.

that I think the whites could probably incorporate. God is good. All the time. All the time. God is good. I was driving behind a car with my wife yesterday and it had that bumper sticker on it. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.

And I said to her, you know, that's a black car. There are black people inside that car. Do you want to know how I can tell? And she said, is it because one of their hands is sticking out the car window? And I didn't see that. I said, no, this is the bumper sticker. It's a cool thing black people say in America. I love it. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good. Because, you know, obviously, it feels like the opposite. It doesn't feel like God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

It feels like God is vindictive and cruel. And when you're figuring it out by yourself with that divine revelation, people come up with paganism. And you know, God turns into a swan and rapes you. But the real God, the true God, He's good all the time. And all the time He's good.

Even when bad things are happening. You know, I guess childhood cancer is the one that everybody points out. Even in a broken, fallen, sad world, God loves you. God wants to look after you. And that's nice. I miss my church. I miss going to the Latin Mass in Adelaide. I miss my church.

I miss going to the Latin Mass in Adelaide. The Latin Mass is coming under some heat this week because a Latin Mass kicker who plays football for a very strong football team in America. Maybe he's a punter, maybe he's a kicker. I didn't know they were two different positions until a couple of days ago. I'll be honest with you, I'm still figuring out the game. And I didn't even watch his full speech, but he was saying something about, you know, you're happy.

Women will be happier in the home, something like that. And boy, I've just been watching. I mean, I haven't watched that speech, but I'll tell you what I have been watching. that speech but i'll tell you what i have been watching twitter is just recommending me video after video that has been lifted from tiktok of sad women in their 30s who've got a great career and a rocking pod and have done a lot of work on themselves but are unable to find a husband and their you know or a partner a boyfriend and it's just video after video after video like that and i just i think the same thing every time I see these videos. I think, well, how come they can't be wives number two and three for me?

Wouldn't that be a kind thing to do for these women who are having trouble finding a partner? You know, as though there'd been some sort of war and there was a man shortage. We'll just get a couple other ladies around the house. They can go off and do their work, you know, and come back and contribute financially to the family and probably just have one or two children before the menopause kicks in because we're starting a bit late in the piece. But we are told marriage is one man and one woman

and that's a mystery and a secret and I'm very pleased with that. So I always feel very sad for these ladies. Just out of generosity that I'm not able to marry them. But do you feel that when you're getting shown those videos? I don't know what to do, but it's a blessing. You know, that would be bad. Obviously they deserve their own husbands and I deserve not to have to put up with these, frankly, unbearable career women. I love my wife so much. She's done such a good. She's been holding it down so well. First, while I was working so hard, then when I had a brief moment off to have a snap,

and now we're going to go and we're going to continue teaching our children how to swim. As much for our benefit as theirs, as we get the beautiful perspective on fear. I mean, it's also nice get the beautiful perspective on fear. I mean, it's also nice to help them overcome the fear. I should say that. If it was just the fear, it wouldn't be fun to teach them. It's not really fun to do things with your children that make them afraid, and that's it. You know?

Like waving a machete at them. That's always going to terrify the children, and that doesn't sound fun at all. It's taking them into something that's not really dangerous that they are afraid of and teaching them to be relaxed about it and that is such a joy and maybe that's what god is doing with all of us god is good all the time all the time god is good do you know what i mean god the father leading us into situations where we're nervous and scared and anxious like a child in water as to we are baptized water here what do you think about that and uh anyway it's just a thought but it's it's beautiful in the same way that you know you take a child and they're not scared of things they should be scared of like putting their hand on an oven or running across the road it's not fun to teach

them that they have to be afraid of them but duty binds you to let them know that absolutely never do that again. You know, that sort of thing. But it's the joy of taking a thing that they're afraid of. Monkey bars. My daughter's afraid of monkey bars. And getting to take her out on the monkey bars and teach her that falling off is not the end of the world and she can reach out to the next one. And she might say, you know, Daddy, why don't you show me the monkey bars and i go honey daddy is even though he's barely eating in america and is just wasting away and has frankly never looked better uh he's still too fat for

these monkey bars right now because we we're coming off you know a large anyway we don't go into detail about it but i try and do a couple of monkey bars to show it. No, I don't do a very good job demonstrating, but it's so nice with the swimming that I can swim. So I'm a big boy and I float beautifully. I have bones like a bird, hollow. And I get to help show them to relax through it. And frankly, that's what I'm going to go and do now.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes Catamaran Plan. Coming back from the snap, and really we just have to fill up enough episodes before the team starts up. We've got Eve coming on to produce. We've got a very regimented show in the future so that we can keep providing beautiful quality

and get me that boat. Oh, I'm looking forward to that boat. Oh, I'm looking forward to that boat. Oh, I'm looking forward to that boat. It's so beautiful to think that life on a boat might be so chaotic that inside of me I finally have peace. I reckon that might be what we're after. We'll navigate that with the family. The next part of this podcast that you're going to hear,

it's a few days later, by the way. Hello. A couple of days have gone past for me. The next part of the podcast is uh it's a chat that i did with amos gill my dear friend amos gill who's been in town and we're trying to work our way up to having a commercial radio show that we can sell off hopefully i can get the money to buy a boat from that so amos gill's coming on and i had recorded that before i recorded the solo part of the podcast that you've presumably just listened to and uh while i was doing the interview with

amos gill gee i thought i'd never be able to do a podcast on my own again. So deep was the snap as a result of writing that book of poems. I mean, it turns out it wasn't a snap. I just needed to rest for a couple of days, and now I'm back. We've got a podcast. We've got a chat with Amos Gill coming up. So just ignore the sections of this chat where I say I can never do a podcast on my own again.

I'm fine. I'm feeling better than ever. Better than ever is probably a stretch. I feel really good. Life is beautiful. La Dolce So Vida. No, I've definitely said that the wrong... La Vida So Dolce.

I think that's the way to do it. Here's a chat with Amos Gill. Gee, I love Amos Gill. I love my friends. I love the warm weather. I love swimming. I love my family. I love you.

Ooh, I'm a sweaty boy. God bless. God bless. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good. He's Amos Gill. But the emu's keeping two feet firmly on the ground. What was that song?

What are these songs? I'm telling you, I can run the pants off a kangaroo. Is this a Rob Harris song that I don't know about? What is this? I can't fly, but I'm telling you, I'll run the pants off a kangaroo. I've never heard this before It's John Williamson I sing that song when I'm missing home

I ate a chicken From the supermarket today and it made me miss Australia You're on, you're ready to go I love a roast The roast chicken in the bag Mayonnaise, avocado, a wrap It's the tradies handbag I miss it so much And you can get it here, I's the tradies handbag. I miss it so much.

And you can get it here. I don't know why I'm saying I miss it. You know what they don't? Here's what they don't have here is my go-to meal when I'm alone on the road. Box of pizza shapes. Top to tail, full box of pizza shapes. That's a square dinner. Oh, I remember once going to a friend Dylan's house and he had savory shapes.

Same price as pizza, but I remember thinking, your mum doesn't love you and you're poor. The chicken crimpy is, to me, it screams working class. The pizza shape is more bohemian. And I think, you know what I always see at the rich kids' houses? Barbecue. Always the barbecue shape. We were barbecue people.

Yes, it lets people know. It lets people know that you've got class and refinement. It's the golden retriever of Arnott's snacks. American listeners won't know about these treats. I don't think there's any equivalent. They're just, we would say, savory cookies. Crackers. Yeah, they're crackers with flavor.

Flavor you can see. Hey, welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran. Speaking of crackers. I did see, did I show you that picture? Yes, you did. Entertainment Crackers. That's what we could call the podcast if it wasn't already called Am I Still Alone?

It's the radio show. It's your podcast. It's my network. No, it's your show. I don't know whether I was popular on it. Who knows? I had four friends say, that was good of you guys to get back together.

I'm sure you got Many hate filled comments Not one person Wrote to me Saying they either Liked or disliked you People write to me And say they dislike me

Personally I mean I just got one then From a guy Saying Yeah your podcast Is not very good But like Other people's podcasts

You're on You're funny on their podcast Why wouldn't you be funny On your own That's right James I'm like a fine vodka You don't know I'm like a fine vodka. You don't know I'm here.

Is that what people say of vodka? The less flavor, the better? Yeah, you really shouldn't. Well, I've always heard that. I've never heard that. You don't want to know it's there. I've never had a fancy vodka. I only say that because I used to have season tickets to the Crows and a man used to go,

a good umpire is like a good vodka. You don't notice it. That's nice. I don't notice it that's nice i don't mind that um a good a good umpire is like a good vodka it's destroyed my mother's life when you're done with it you throw it in a huge bin i don't know i've got nothing trash can they'd say here. I didn't talk about this. I had a mental breakdown.

I had a mental snap. And that's why there's no solo episode this week. I can't talk to myself anymore. I need to talk to other people. I hate the non-solo episodes, but it must be very taxing. I can't do the solo. When Eve is producing, I'm going to have her in the corner. And then I can pretend to talk to no one, but I guess secretly I'll be talking to Eve. I have lost my ability to talk to nobody it went away whenever i tried to do a solo podcast

it made me respect the comedians who do solo podcasts even less i was like these people are narcissistic lunatics yelling at themselves in a house have you you're not embarrassed how does one do you try and do a solo podcast oh my god yes but i get two minutes in and then hit pause every time and go no one needs this is no good but how does one overcome the feeling that no one needs to hear what i've got to say well my trick was to just talk ad nauseum about the importance of wanting to buy a boat and then i could always go back to the boat so i would try and do podcasts before the boat podcast and they would just always end in me going i'm an idiot and i hate myself i've got no business doing it.

What are we doing? But instead of just saying, what are we doing? I would say, I wish I had a boat. I need a boat. That's a better default for when it's going badly than I'm- I was doing a gig. Can I tell you something about this? I did a gig in New York last week.

I wish you would. I wish you would. And I did crowd work with a person. And I said, where are you guys from? It's better than doing a crowd work with an empty chair. Let me tell you that. And they said, we're from Toronto. And I said, okay.

I said, what are you guys doing in New York? They said, we saved up our whole life and we bought a boat and we're going all around the world. Wow. So they sailed from Halifax or somewhere up there. Into New York. Into New York. And they got out and they went to a comedy club

and it wasn't a good comedy club. What was the comedy club? Don't say. Don't burn the relationship. But it was interesting when they said it, the crowd like jeered them. Oh, they didn't like it? No, they're like, ugh.

Like everyone else made fun of them. Like, oh, these rich boat people. And they kept ad nauseum saying that they weren't rich in fact they had little retirement plans so they had a cheap boat and they were going to have lifestyle over sort of stability gosh they're going to have some ad nauseum on that boat when they're throwing up i think ad nauseum is maybe the episode it's amos gill ad nauseum on jdfm but i think that's a wonder i'd really want the boat life i'm glad we're getting back to talking about the boat let's this is the start of the podcast maybe we'll talk about the boat and then we'll move back on to

classic amos gill on jdfm commercial radio do you think you want the boat because it's in the australian roots that you came to this country in the boat and by god you'll leave i came on a boat i'll leave on a boat i well also i'd like to say new beginnings is what the boat says the way they got there is fascinating i think they went over the the south pole or near it they went near antarctica through the roaring 40s and the screaming 30s or whatever they call it who were your family oh no not my family they came on a plane but but i mean the whites i was talking about white people in Australia. I actually don't know when my grandparents got there.

Do you know what their answer is? Are they convicts? Free settlers? They're Irish. Well, I think they were Irish, but they had converted to Anglicanism because my... And this is very shameful. And I don't know if I've talked about this on the podcast. I found out that my father's father's father

was a black and tan and come out and fight me like a man yes he went out and presumably fought them like a man and

I think the point of the song is they don't fight I wonder if he killed a man who won medals in Flanders no well they get the medals because they they come to Flanders no I don't know

I don't know no they they fought in Flanders yes and then they come back and they come to the Irish and they get the medals because they come down in Flanders. No, I don't know. I don't know. No, they fought in Flanders. Yes. And then they come back over. And they get their ass kicked. Is that what that song's about, is it? Show your wife how you un-meddle down in Flanders.

Tell them how the IRA made them run like Halloway. To the fields and something can ashore. I was so ashamed that I had a black and tan in the family. What's the best revolutionary song? Oh, I don't think you're allowed to sing Dixie anymore, but Dixieland. I wish I wasn't Dixie. That's a good one. We need an Elvis to do.

You know what else? Did he do? Yeah, he would have done that. But also, I think he did the Battle of the Republic. He did both sides. Now, they don't believe in music. That's haram. But there was a...

He's stampling out of... Stampling? My brain's gone. I've collapsed. I've had a snap ghillie. I'm not who I used to be. I've gone to... I finished my book of poems.

What do you mean you're not who you used to be? I've gone to... I finished my book of poems. What do you mean you're not who you used to be? I mean, I went to such profound depths of self to finish my book of poems. Splish splash. Coming out soon. I went so deep into the murky waters of the subconscious that I don't think I can come back up again. I think I'm lost down there.

Do your poems all rhyme? Yeah, a lot of them have rhyme. Do they have to rhyme? Nah, people like them better when they rhyme. What makes something a poem? Or just a random scratching of words? A random, is that your little poem? A random scratching of words.

Is it more who the author is that we determine whether it's a poem or not? Yeah, I think so. I think if you're a good... I mean, it's like Picasso, right? Some of those Picassos, you look at them and go, that's not good. But people go, that's Picasso. You go, whoa.

So to be a poet, you have to prove that first you can just write anything. I think to be a poet, you've got to have a cool hat. You've got to be rude to people. And you've got to die young. You're associated with a drink. Oh, yes. I'd like... I don't know what drink I'm associated with.

Free ones. Cooper's Pile. Yeah. All my t-shirts at the moment I've stolen. Well, I haven't stolen, but like... I'll be at a show and they'll have shirts on the merch table. And towards the end of the night I'll say, you got any XXLs there that I can get my...

Do you call yourself a poet? Oh, yeah. Now that this will be your second book of poems. Third. Third? Third. I have Marlon Brando, 9-11, beautiful poems that everybody will love. I have My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide.

Niche poems. What are they called? It was like bad poems. I don't remember what it was called. Horrible poems that everyone will hate. I forget what I called it. And this one's just called Splish Splash because I couldn't

think of a third first one's like everyone likes these second one no one likes them what's the third one talk me through writing a poem

talk me through writing a poem I think of it on the notes section yes I'll write them on the notes oh this is good this could be an interview

about my new book of poems I guess I just write it out in the notes and sometimes it's beautiful and sometimes I don't publish it. Here's, I mean, give me a,

give me an example of one that you've scrapped. Oh, I'll give you many that I've scrapped. I just want to know what doesn't make it into the book of poems. Cause I've seen what does make it in. Oh yes. You'd like to know how bad it can be. Yes.

Um, all right. Goodbye, baby boomers. So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen. And that's all i wrote um here's another one billy boy is dead i am reborn the hemnes man which is about buying an

expensive bookshelf at ikea uh this one has a swear word in it i don't give a f about the poetry establishment the poetry establishment needs to give an F about me. So that one's gone. I mean, they're just terrible. ¿Dónde está exterminador de insectos? I tried to write a Spanish poem. You're saying you're going to commit a genocide on the insects? That's his, where is the bug zapper?

I've traveled many Asian penises. That's a poem that I ended any Puerto Ricans here? no if they were we wouldn't have to ask they'd let us know that's a switch on the old vegan bits did you have that one as well?

what? did you have that bit about vegans? any vegans here? no it's my least favorite hack joke the wind has gone out how do you know a vegan? they'll tell you that's why it only went in the notes do you know I'm vegan? They'll tell you.

That's why it only went in the notes. Do you know what I always laugh at with the vegan stuff? Tell me. I used to bash the vegans. People used to go, any vegans? Can't put their hand up, no energy. And I look at these fat pigs like me who eat primarily burgers and pizza. And I don't ever eat my kind of meal and think, I've got the energy to run a marathon with my diet.

Oh, yes. All of the hot dogs made up of snouts and trotters are giving us the power we need to really dominate the vegans. All of that processed meat suppressing my colon. Yeah, I don't exactly eat one of those and think, gee, I'm full of vim and vigor. I'm doing jokes about the American diet and what that's done to the bowel. But like everything else with my body in America, it's so much better.

The secret to the American diet and taking good poos, you just have to drink more water and then everything actually works beautifully. I do have to drink more water. My girlfriend's one of those people that has the Stanley Cup, you know these where she has like two gallons. It used to be really hard to win one of those people that has the Stanley Cup, you know, these where it's, she has like two gallons. It used to be really hard to win one of those. She takes like... You have to win hockey.

She takes a two gallon cup around and it has each hour how much she's meant to have drunk through the day. Well, that seems like a life abnegating mistake, but I think more water is still good. I'm going to, as we go through this podcast, I'll keep reading your poems that didn't make I was going to tell you all about how the Germans handled poo, but... We can talk about that too after I read you

The Wind Has Gone Out of the Sail. The wind has gone out of the sail. Finally something about boats. The shell has come off of the snail. The fingers are numb to the braille. And then I gave up. I didn't like that. This poem tells a sad tale.

Oh, yes, that would be. This one was an epic. Finish it. I went into my hotel room and did not masturbate. That's a poem about not masturbating in a hotel room, which is not always easy. Skin a little marijuana woman. That one did make it into the book.

That was a good one. Hold on. I'm going to find one good poem that I cut. Oh, man, these are all just, what is it you're celebrating? Why are you drinking and staying up late?

You work a boring job and that's enough for you to celebrate? Anyway, that's not a good, you know, let's do a, let's do a little

boring Abando man experiment. Oh yes, make a poem now about me and this room that we're in. His name is Gilly.

He is silly. Gets on a bus and exposes his willy. Take him to the jail. Something, something snail. Something, something braille. Back to my old poem. Back to my old poem. Abandoned Man was, probably remains,

was the Irish rap comedian who did all the festivals. What's in your pocket? Hold up what's in your pocket. And I your pocket? Hold up what's in your pocket. And then he'd rap about what's in your pocket. And I would do a rap about what's in your pocket. And of course, the things in your pocket will be things I've seen thousands of times in people's pockets. No one has a bar of gold. No one has a monkey's hand.

It's always a tampon. Oh, you naughty little thing. I'll give you a spanky as you hold up your dirty old hanky Oh, I come from Ireland and I am a fighter This man here is holding a lighter Is this the best show that you've ever seen and had? Look at that, a sanitary pad Everyone says, shut up please

But look at that fella holding his keys I do this show and I get paid Everyone says, shut up, please. But look at that fella holding his keys. I do this show and I get paid. And what's over here? It's a band-aid. People like this because there are no blacks here. And they've got nothing to compare it with. We've just gone into what the act is.

You've never seen a rapper before. So you don't know that he's not meant to be a 50-year-old Irish man. That's how I get it past you. I am the best, because I'm not competing with almost anyone. You do have to make it rhyme, Gilly. What? You have to make it rhyme. I'm just being rude. I think of other things people might have in their...

The rhyme's ended. How come nothing in the bag makes rapping harder? Look over here. It's a phone charger. What have you got? Only lint. That makes me as sick as the people of Flint. You're skint.

Obviously skint. Flint? Michigan. I'm trying to make it American. Int. What else is in a pocket? He's actually quite good at what he does. Yeah, I think if there's one thing we've discovered by doing it,

it's that Abandoned Man is a great talent. Credit card. Rhyming is hard. St. Bernard, how'd you get to turn your back? Spoken a fag. Here with your dad. But is this why... What's that there, another minstrel pad?

Excuse me. I'm happy with that. You're enjoying that, huh? That one wasn't bad. One of the best raps that you ever had. Didn't drink enough water, so I've got my cramp on. That lady's mad. She probably needs a tampon.

Yes, it would be rhymes for tampon. It would be a thousand rhymes for tampon. That's what his show should have been called. A thousand rhymes for tampon. Cramp on. Stamp on. Tramp on. Champignon.ignon oh champignon is not bad here's another poem um oh what would your life have been like had you gone to new york city drowning in sad

arts degree slam poetry vagina would you still i wrote this uh i started writing this about my friend sam mcdonough if he'd moved to New York. Because he would be so good in New York. Anyway, he'd be drowning in sad arts degree slam poetry vagina. Would you still be a lawyer? Or would you have gotten AIDS? It's not easy getting AIDS as a heterosexual man, but I reckon you'd have managed it had you gone to New York City.

You would have done too well there, like a light bulb at hubristic voltage. But New York is more than women turned on by the reading of heavy books. F, man, you at the symphony, Carnegie Hall and all that S, that Annie Hall Manhattan S, and human S out on the street.

My friend, thank God you never went. Thank God God kept it from you. Thank God they never got their nasty bookish AIDS hands up upon you. It's just about how it goes on, but it's like I'm glad that he's in Adelaide because he's such a wonderful man. And now you'll probably write a poem about why you're glad I wasn't in Munich in the 30s. Oh, Amos, the time you would have had in Munich in the 30s. Walking over here with the tap on such a dirty sorry we went the same time what did you say

what was your one mine was look at you standing proud and tall about to have fun in a beer hall we joke about you being a fascist but it's only because you are a fascist now can you get your hand away from the genital that was a problem with the last episode. I know there's no visual component. It's just for me, but I have to close my eyes. GDFM! Why do you keep calling me a fascist? Because you keep talking about wanting a paramilitary organization to seize power and restore order.

But not for the corporate state. No, no, no, no, no. You're right. You're right. What's the word I'm looking for? Reactionary totalitarian you happy with that is that robbed of any ideological overtime no you're welcome i would never say you're not nazi but i think certainly you've chosen that black t-shirt for a reason it's because you see mussolini riding around on the horse training the marshes and you think hold on the first 10 years of Mussolini's Italy.

What was wrong with that? Well, I keep wandering around in this country and I was sucked into this idea of freedom. But I keep seeing all these people with their freedom and what they do disgusts me with it. Yeah, it's hard. And I used to say, Australia's a nanny state. It was just something I repeated.

And now I come here and I think, nanny needs to come and give you boys a smack smack bottom and a cup of hot milk because it's also the tender affection that they need as well i man it the homelessness is i don't know if we've spoken about this on the i think i just want a mary poppins as some that's who i want what i want mary poppins yeah as a dictator i mean it's probably not outside of our powers to have a woman. And she's spring cleaning the streets. At the start of every day, we all get together.

We all gather in the town square. And we probably have to use a winch rather than actual magic. But Mary is lowered down to the square. And then we do whatever she tells us to do. It's magical. Because she cares for us. You know they're getting rid of Tinkerbell at Disneyland? Because they think she's a big slut? No, because they think the kids can't. It's magical. Because she cares for us. You know they're getting rid of Tinkerbell at Disneyland? Because they think she's a big slut?

No, because they think the kids can't... She's too hot. She's too hot and those wings are unachievable. She's giving girls body dysmorphia because they're not four inches tall. That's an unrealistic beauty standard is a woman who's the size of a thumb. Don't worry. Tinkerbell will leave anyway because no one believes in her anymore. Is that how it works?

I think. Isn't that it? I believe Tinkerbell only comes alive when people believe in her. I think that's Digimon. Hold on. Tinkerbell belief. Let me just do a little. Let me just say this.

Let me do a little talking to the audience. Honey, you look that up privately and then I've got to do, just let me do one little moment of solitary time. One moment, please. All right, tell me. Tinker Bell theory. Okay. Stipulates the more you believe in something,

the more likely it is to vanish. That's the opposite of what you said. Yeah. Keep going. I'll find said. Yeah. Keep going. I'll find something. I'll find this. I was unable to do a solitary episode

of the podcast. I think we're going to be okay. I've had a brief mental snap. And anyway, I think I'm doing better now. I just want to thank everybody for listening. I want to thank everybody.

We did a Patreon episode before we did this one. This episode has been much looser than the first one. Can we get it on track? Can we really try once again now? Let me just say this.

Tinkerbell, the fairy from J.M. Barrie's 1904 play Peter Pan is revived from near death by the audience's belief in her. By the audience's belief in her. This is a key plot point in the play

that reflects the idea that fairies and other magical creatures often draw their strength from the belief and imagination of humans. Wait, but what if there's not enough

people believing on the night at the play? Does she just die and the show's over? Well, that was something that J.M. Barrie was often fretting about

in the wings. The beliefometer is not rising to the necessary levels. There's a nice one at the end of Amadeus which was originally a stage play. Have you seen Amadeus? No. It's a movie one at the end of amadeus which was originally a

stage play have you seen amadeus no it's a movie about mozart and i've seen the movie in the play right so at the in the movie at the end they're going through the yes that's mozart but salieri f murray abrams one of my favorite actors of all time he's going through the insane asylum he's going you are mediocrity i am the king of the mediocrities. But in the stage play, he walks out through the audience and points at them and goes, you're mediocrity. And you, it's my dream role. It's my number one. You've been doing that a long time.

I didn't know you had to write a whole play to make it possible. Also, Tucker Carlson should play Mozart. Oh, my goodness. That's strong, yes. I've been, Shane's been talking about the guy, the first guy who figures out how to do the Tucker Carlson... Carl... Excuse me.

Carlson? Tucker Carlson. Tucker Carlson. Carlson. Tucker Carlson is... I don't think I've ever said his last name out loud. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

We have such nasty laughs JDFM Amos Gill for breakfast Sorry what did you want to get organised Alright I mean I'm serious when I say It's happenstance that you've gotten to be here In the same

We were in Denver together And now we're in Austin Yeah We really We got enough people writing to us After the first episode That I think we should consolidate and get close friends let's get this done we should get this done we're gonna have to do it remotely but we should do a commercial radio show and um so here's one of the thoughts i had is we could look up things that they do on commercial radio

my issue with doing a show with you i'm sorry i'm still in charge while it's my podcast because i need to give an excuse as to why this is so the fascist once again My issue with doing a show with you. I'm sorry. I'm still in charge while it's my podcast. No, no, but just let me say this. Because I need to give an excuse as to why this is so bad. The fascist, once again, reaches for power that's not his. Oh, yes. Physical intimidation where the democratic process fails. Go on. Go on.

Come on. They can't see you, Glare. You never give me a heads up what we're doing. I did a radio show where we would look at the news, we'd think of things we want to talk about and plan it out. You turn up, we eat a bag of chicken and chips. We go for a swim. I'm bloated, I'm laying on a bed,

and then you pull out a laptop and microphone and go, let's do a podcast, and then you wonder why it's not ordered. There would be order if we do this correctly. Well, I think we should have an independent producer. I thought your girlfriend should be the producer. Oh, really? Some sort of Treaty of Versailles? What are you saying?

We should, all right, but we can do it together. There's going to be impositions put on me by some foreign party that you've signed on to? I see what we're doing now. We're taking it back to... All right, well, note number one, I'd say, let's hide all of your fascism while we're doing the podcast. That might not help us attract sponsors.

Well, don't get my German girlfriend to produce. There's a hard edit there. Okay, you want to do a commercial radio show. Go on. All right. I keep interjecting. No, but let's look up a commercial. What's the big commercial radio show?

Nick Cody's show. Kyle and Jackie O is the biggest. That's the biggest one. All right. Why not go straight to the biggest? Kyle, Jackie, and then we like see a segment. We don't actually have to listen to it, but let's just... Yeah, but the segment is, was your daughter raped?

Well, we could do that. Was she? Here we go. Birthday wheel. Tradee v. Lady Snap predictions. It's impossible to tell what these mean by the titles. I thought it would be things like pantry or fridge. Yeah, that's like you're doing a bad one.

Yeah, but I say we take the bad one and we do it well. We transform a bad idea into we make a garden out of trash. What about if we do go on like a you know jokingly fascist run um no dead or not dead or not live all free you know we like raise a topic and we decide whether or not it's acceptable in our society oh like a utopia podcast yeah couldn't be further away from commercial radio what you're asking there is that we recreate saint thomas moore's well people say you know stick it in the bin there There's that radio segment. This is just us saying...

Raise it up high! In our regime, would it be tolerated or not? Well, what are some examples? Rolling up your jeans. Oh, yes, we must have that in there. Actually, I'd like to think we have fine tailoring in the regime. That's what I would like. Stick it in the bin.

Marijuana usage. For cancer? Stick it in the bin. Game work. Do you think it's too much to do? I mean, Americans don't know bin. They just have to stick it in the trash. But stick it in the bin sounds so great.

Do you think they have a copyright on stick it in the bin? I'd love it if we could just say stick it in the bin we'll be able to do that okay so what are some other things hold on let's just just for all time okay i'll just run through what we could do secret sound stick in the bin i'm sticking the secret sound in the bin it's terrible alpha bucks that's the game oh yeah you would always do ah do you want to tell the story about how you got the station into serious financial and legal trouble? Well, I got the station into serious financial problems

by rating consistently low. No, no, hold on. But you mean when I gave away over $100,000 to the wrong person? Yes. Yeah, we were playing a game at the time, which was a game of higher and lower. You had to guess the number. So let's say the number was $105,400.

Someone would say, $103,200. And I'd go, higher than the other person would say, $104,000. The greatest intellects that could be summoned in the northern suburbs of Adelaide. Anyway, needless to say, this has gone on for months. Yep. And they'd never got to the number. And it was more money than they'd ever given away to try and launch my radio show and let's i think the number was like 104,677 or 67 and the woman goes 104,600 and i just went oh oh congratulations you've won you've won the money. And at that point, they've won the money.

Once you say you've won the money. Once I said you've won the money, according to the lotteries, that was it. Now, no one in the room or even the person who worked on behalf of Lotteries South Australia, who was the person to make it official for the insurance company, picked it up. No one picked up on it. Because when she said the number, beep beep beep you had a backing track you had a backing track kind of lined up over i remember this and so we're done by over production we're we're we're done we've given it away this woman sounds lovely but then the

switchboard of phone calls lit up like a christmas tree and thousands of people were like she said the wrong number and you gave her the prize so she might have said 76 instead of 67 and the guy who was competing against her was like i missed out on my opportunity because i would have got it right and sued and he sued did you know how much they had to pay him i don't know what we pay this i was taken out of it at this point that's incredible but they they had some settlement with him it wasn't an enormous amount but they paid him something she kept the money everyone thought it was rigged and i as a moron age 21 at the time i must say you're a young boy she was like a really really poor woman from a rough suburb and she used the money to get married and she contacted us bawling her eyes out how happy she was that she'd won the money and her and her husband could get

married and their kids would see the parents get married and she invited me and said you should come to our wedding because you made it possible i didn't know this and i said sure and when i went to go to the wedding my boss was like don't you dare go because it'll make it seem like you rigged it for this poor lady and so i had to decline going and at the time i lived in an apartment building where a lady who worked for uh today tonight which is an australian tabloid sensation show door stopped me when i went home and asked me is it true that you gave away a hundred and four thousand dollars to a friend of yours and you're attending their wedding while we were putting out the bins which was of course where someone like her would lurk i don't remember this i was living with you at the

time i don't remember that at all yeah she now uh works for uh sky good for her and i'm catching up with her at a trump rally that she's coming. Oh, is this the same lady? Yeah. Look at that. From strength to strength. Chasing scandal. Yeah, I used to go on Today Tonight a lot.

I used to go on... I was always jealous that you got on Today Tonight, which is what they'd show at 6.30pm and it was... Dodgy builders. Dodgy tradies. Mostly dodgy builders. Sometimes dodgy radio show announcers Who give out money to their friends That was one

It was often also The neighbour from hell The neighbour from hell is a good one Which is just a person who's not clean I remember as a kid There was one about A trolley boys Who was trolley surfing

And they'd put the trolleys together And push them through the car park And then jump on top And the trolley boys were like Yeah it's fun But will you stop doing it? No And then they'd just go up to an old woman push them through the car park and then jump on top. And the trolley boys were like, yeah, it's fun. But will you stop doing it? No.

And then they'll just go up to an old woman. Oh, I was very scared with the clattering sound. If they could hurt somebody, how are you going to get off and stop the trolleys in time? Shut up! And they're drinking cans of mother. Because they would always, remember back in the day when energy drinks came out, they were terrified that it was essentially making children

into energizer bunnies of terror. Well, it's good that there are no signs that that actually ended up happening. I think we need to burn them all. Now, listen, it's more your role on the podcast than mine to say that sort of thing. Stick them in the bin. Stick them in the bin. Stick them in the bin. We should definitely stop the podcast because my kids are out there with my wife and we

said we'd be half an hour and we've actually recorded two episodes. But just like Dad said, you want to do a commercial radio show as a podcast. And I genuinely want to sell it. But can we actually do it properly? Because we should talk about topics because this is just nonsense. All right. Can you bring the... If I do all the tech, will you bring the topics? You're really hurting the audience there.

Why? Because you're bringing the content? Yeah. I do good tech. You've got to bring something. You can't just bring your charming personality. We've both got a lift here. But you're the interesting one.

Why are you doing the tech? You don't know how to do the tech. You're retarded. I'm good at nothing then. Well, haven't I just written myself out of the show? You're right. I better learn how to get the Zoom recorder going. As a Fizz member, you can look forward to free data,

big savings on plans, and having your unused data roll over to the following month. Every month. At Fizz, you always get more for your money. Terms and conditions for our different programs and policies apply. Details at Fizz.ca. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween.

Facebook is like a node. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God, Phone a Friend with Jessie Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com.