The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Melbourne and Mugs

Episode Date: April 10, 2022

Come and see me in marvellous Melbourne: https://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2022/shows/aestheticJoin the Patreon and get your mug: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.com. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! Hello everybody and welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. A bit of a different episode with less editing than previous episodes.

Other episodes, if you go back through the catalogue, you'll hear sound effects and music and all sorts of whiz bangs and modern contrivances. But on this episode, keeping it a bit more Spartan. Well, let's just have one. Here's one. Here's one big bit, just as a treat. Here's some editing.

There we go. And now we can leave that in the past. The reason for the absence of editing is it's been, well, one of those weeks. I'm just realizing now I could also do a sound effect. So I have a little bell here. Here we go. Hold on. It's been one of those weeks where I had a medical emergency.

You know those weeks where you have terrible medical emergencies? I had a surgery on last Monday and then an unrelated illness that resulted in a subsequent complication that I don't want to go too much into only because you, listen, you don't want me to go too much into it. I promise, I promise, you don't want to know what happened. But to demonstrate this and still give you some idea of the week that was, I called my friend Jack and I said, listen, I'm going to record a phone call with you and I'm going to tell you what happened to me and I'll just put your reaction on the podcast and then even though the listener won't have to live out the gory details, the listeners will know the vibe. So here is my phone call with my friend Jack. And last night, it was so intense, it was a g***er that I put this g***er on my s***.

Oh, f***. Oh, God. Okay. That was it. But now I have to live with the thought of that in my head, James, and that's what I was saying. Thank you so much, man. No worries.

I'll see you soon. Okay. But now you might well think, hey, James, shouldn't you take a week off, you know, rather than pounding out another episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan? Shouldn't you in your weakened state? And truly, I'm in bed for all parts of the day that don't require me to do something with a child, which is often with the kids running around. So actually, it's not as much time in bed. But there are two very urgent things that I need to share with the listeners

of the James Donald Forbes McCann Cadmiran plan. And it would be remiss of me not to mention these two extremely important things. So what I will now do in a business meeting, let's ring the ceremonial bell. Good Lord, that's harder to do than it should be. It's a child's bicycle bell. Good luck if you're the child riding that bicycle trying to activate that in time. You'd just... No, I was pushing it the wrong way.

I was just thinking we were setting up children to fail and be unable to... Bell, two very important things. I want to get to them. I'm still, I'm on quite a lot of painkillers and I am feverish and it's not COVID. We did the COVID test. It's worse. Anyway, so I just want to get through these two extremely important things. Thing number one, two extremely important things. Thing number one, Melbourne. It's two Ms. Number one, Melbourne. I am coming to Melbourne. I'm doing the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. I'm doing a week of shows there, and I would love, this will all have cleared up,

the medical situation. The three Ms, medical, Melbourne, and the third M, which we'll get to shortly. But Melbourne, I'm going to be in tip-top health, I do believe, for the 19th of April. That's my first show. I'm doing the 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, and then for good measure, the 24th also. So the 19th to the 24th at the melbourne international comedy festival i'm doing my show aesthetic but i did in adelaide if you are a listener of the podcast and you're in melbourne boy i'd love to have you there because it's there's just nothing worse than doing a show to nobody in fact if nobody comes i don't do the show i cancel the show oh i don't do the show. I cancel the show. Oh, I don't leave the venue. I lie. Prostate.

Prostate? Prostrate. Prostrate. You're paying for the tech either way is what I'm trying to say. Someone has to come and sit there to push the buttons for the show, regardless of whether you actually have a show to do. So if no one comes, I will be paying the tech to just watch me lie down on stage and have a breakdown.

But in the 80-seater room in which I'm performing at the Coopers Inn, if you come along, then I can do the show. And that would be great. If you saw the show in Adelaide and you liked it, why not tell chums who live in Melbourne, I know there's that Adelaide Melbourne connection, to come along. Or if you know anyone in Melbourne and you haven't seen the show and you like this, but listen, please, I'm putting the link to the tickets below.

I hope that people come to the show. I really do. I think it's a great show. Anyway, I won't say anything more about it, but I will be coming to Melbourne. I hope to interview more people for the Catamaran podcast. These drugs, they've got me on. I'm actually coming off them and I'm feeling quite irritable.

It's funny that they give you so many drugs. All right, now what am I saying? Where am I? Maybe it's too hot in here. Maybe I'll just put that air conditioner on. The second thing is mugs. And the mugs are vital. Mugs, you say?

Yes, mugs. I have been looking at ways of making more money for the podcast. At the moment, we have advertising. I'm yet to see a penny of advertising, but we've just passed 4,000 downloads. And on average, I think you get $25 per thousand listens on the web advertising service I'm on. So we should be at about $100 of advertising, but I don't know what's happening there. And we'll chase that up. But thank you.

Big whoop. 4,000 downloads. So cool. And so that's $100. And the bite costs five hundred thousand dollars right roughly thereabouts that's what we're shooting for the patreon is bringing in we've got 17 patrons and it's bringing in slightly less than two hundred dollars a month and that really is the thing i think that i want to focus on, is the Patreon, to getting more money.

So I record a special podcast called Captain's Log on the Patreon, and people can join the Patreon and pay a certain amount, you know, $5, $10, $30 a month, and you get things for it. But the main thing is you get to listen to the second podcast. So if you're there during the week going, boy, oh boy, I don't live in Melbourne, so I can't come and see the Melbourne show. And I need more James Donald Forbes, McCann, Catamaran plan in my life. What am I to do about it? You can jump on to the patreon and give me money for the boat there but i thought you know maybe we should go even further right and make it even more appealing for people to join so this month i'm running a special mug drive and by the end of april which will coincide with the end of my comedy festival show. I think, am I doing the numbers on that correctly?

No, April continues on for several more days. But basically, at the end of April, everyone who is on the Patreon, the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan Patreon, gets a hand-drawn mug that I am going to draw. I'm going to go out and buy mugs. And I found a system of oil-based impression, whereby I can draw onto the mugs, so no matter how low is your financial contribution to the catamaran plan, could be as low as $5,

I will send you your very own James Donald Fools McCann catamaran plan mug. And indeed, if you only sign up for the one, I mean, to buy the mug, to draw the mug, to do the process of making it machine washable, and then to actually pay for the postage to wherever you are in the world, that will almost certainly cost more than $5. I don't see how I could possibly do that for less. So some of them I may lose money, but if we grow the pot moving forward,

I think it's going to come out in the wash. I just want to thank all the people on the Patreon. I want to induce lovely listeners to join that Patreon. So if you, those are the big two takeaways. Melbourne, mugs, medical. I've got a fourth M coming up for you as well, by the way. A special additional M. Yes, yes.

So this podcast really is just me asking you to do things and help. But the whole podcast is really about that in some capacity. But this one more pointedly so the 19th to the 24th of april come to my melbourne international comedy festival show the patreon if you are not a member join and you can have a mug and if you're already a member well i'll be sending you a mug soon and you can tell me whatever you want on your mug and i will do my very best within the confines of my limited artistic capabilities to put that on your mug

and we'll send that mug out to you and the medical, we did that and yes, and music that's the last one I wanted to talk about when I was at the real high point of the drugs following medical unpleasantness. I recorded many songs. And then I don't actually remember recording all of them,

but I recorded lots of them. So I think in the future what I'm going to do is I'm going to look at that and see if we can release that on Spotify and maybe a vinyl version because these songs I'm going to have to get you know maybe maybe we could do a thing where we look for rappers to get on them and get even more clout but I think this is some of the best music that anyone's made if there's a fifth M that might be from Mozart because that's the level of musical excellence we've got. So as the... Terms and conditions for our different programs and policies apply. Details at phys.ca. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe,

Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power.

Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. This podcast, a shorter podcast, comes to a close. Don't you worry. I will be playing you one of the songs at the end of it, so you keep listening, and I will be playing you one of the wonderful at the end of it. So you keep listening and I will be playing you one of the wonderful pieces of music that I recorded on my phone on GarageBand. It's incredible that you can get this range and depth of feeling on GarageBand. So I'm going to put that up. So to

recap, the five M's. I'm medical. Boy, it was a very bad one. And I, whoa. Yes. Number two, Melbourne. Please come to the Melbourne show that I'm doing. Three, mugs. Get yourself a mug and join the Patreon. Don't be a mug, have a mug. Do you want my mug on it? Mugs. Sending out mugs, Patreon. Number four, music. Stay tuned. Here it comes.

And number five, Mozart. Am I the reincarnated Mozart? I'll let you decide that one. I just want to say that I love you. In terms of an open letter this week, I suppose I should have one, shouldn't I? If that's a thing that we're doing on an ongoing basis so um the open letter this week for clout and uh beseeching beseeching beseeching prostate

editing the person i'm looking for help with this week listen my friend amos gill my friend amos gill is a great stand-up comedian. He's in America, and he was a guest on an earlier episode of the podcast. And he opens for Jim Jefferies, a very famous and successful comedian. So, Amos, my open letter to you this week is, do you think you could let Jim Jefferies know about this podcast, please? know about this podcast please and then maybe uh see if he'll help us with his um um enormous success and money uh if i can go on his podcast that would be very good perhaps he'd like to do an instagram post i really i don't know jim jeffries we we've done we did a live chat once

on instagram which he was also in and then all of a sudden thousands of people were in that. And I did see him briefly backstage after a show that you opened for him in Adelaide. But Amos, I'm asking you as your friend, if you would please contact your more successful friend, Jim Jefferies, and see if he is able to help me build an audience and find a boat that's my open letter for today and uh because you've got to aim big you know aim to the biggest

and the best we're aiming too little with too many little people getting their own open letters and not getting back to me well what if we aim to bigger and more successful people and they don't get back to me? It'll be much the same, but better to lose a lot of money gambling than a little. I assume that's more exciting. And the affirmation this week is that I'm going, when this is done, to lie down. I'm going to lie down. That's what I affirm. That's where I'm at, is at the, well, first go to the toilet, but then just lie down. I love you. I miss you. Melbourne. Mugs. Masupils. Consupials.

It's the noise that the cash cow might make. Mighty Adelaide Crows. We had a very near loss. And majesty, majestic memories. All right. James Donald Forbes McCann signing out. I love you. I love you. I miss you.

Keep being who you are and doing what you're doing unless what you are and do is repulsive. Thank you. Thank you. And last night, it was so intense with the gastro that I popped a stitch on my circumcision. Oh, fuck. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you,

whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca.