The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - mmmmmmmmmmmm

Episode Date: February 12, 2023

Tix to adelaide show here: https://adelaidefringe.com.au/fringetix/the-james-donald-forbes-mccann-catamaran-plan-extravagan-za-af2023Tickets to the Melbourne trial show: https://www.trybooking.com/events/landing?eid=1015944&fbclid=PAAaaMNkEJt9NLX9jhTzWaTx3mk5SuPJEocHrSUeN7Lxtl8DqD_NoT1kLwFPEAnd the Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out

now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Would you like to tell us a joke? There was a person and it went to a shortage. And it's always mommy and daddy that are the torch. Where's this joke going? Is there a punchline? That's my name

That was a pretty good punchline That was genuinely a pretty good punchline I love you honey, I'm going to go and do the podcast now Yes It's genuinely a pretty good punchline. I love you, honey. I'm going to go and do the podcast now. Yes. The water tied up and he turned to me. Okay, that's enough of that. Thank you, sweetie. And to my wife, would my wife like to say anything?

My wife like to acknowledge that she exists? Any noises at all? How does your mother look? A bit not happy. A bit. She looks a bit not happy? No. Why do you think she's not happy? Well, she doesn't like, she might not want to do the podcast.

No, she doesn't like doing the podcast. No, that's why. I think that's probably why as well. Honey, would you like to make any comment on that? None at all. Hello and welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. I am your host, James Donald Forbes McCann, and this is Catamaran Plan. Usually I record this podcast in my Volvo, but I'm recording it during the day because tonight we are watching Australian Survivor. And we're going to go out to watch it.

So I won't necessarily have time this evening to do a podcast. So I thought I would do it now in the house. This means that everybody is awake. And so, well, it might be a little more interrupted than the podcast would usually be. First thing that I want to say. First point of order is that I am coming to Melbourne. I'm coming to Melbourne to do a show and it's a trial show. It's a trial show of new material that I'll be doing in the Adelaide Fringe.

And how many tickets have I got left for that show? It's loading on my phone. Now I've got a total of 13 tickets remaining. There are just 13 tickets left to come and see me in Melbourne. And that show is on. I've got to prepare ahead of time, Jimmy. That show is on the, it's in March. That's the first thing you should know and the second thing you should know is that it's on a certain date in march and the date that i'm on in march is the second of march thursday the second of march 8 30 p.m at dirty secrets comedy i'll be there doing my new jokes getting ready for the adelaide fringe how is the adelaide fringeinge. How is the Adelaide Fringe going? Well, we've sold not quite 100 tickets yet.

We have about 500 tickets left to sell. We've had a lot of good promo from the... I think a lot of people now know about the show, and a lot of people are talking to me about the show. They go, James, we've got to come and see the show. We saw the thing with the Japanese flag. Wow. But because it's sufficiently far away, that's the 10th of

March, people haven't necessarily bought tickets yet. So how do we convert interest and enthusiasm for a show into tickets sold? It's a great question. I guess time, I guess hope. I mean, most people buy tickets on the door but it would be nice if we sold out ahead of time i am preparing for the show i think i've come up with a few fun things i don't want to talk too much about the show but suffice it to say i think it's going to be a great show tickets on sale now to that show in melbourne and the show in adelaide money from those shows going toward the journey to boat ownership. Ship ownership.

Ah, ship. Man, it's just been, it's been a funny sort of week. Ah, it's been, there was so much enthusiasm the week before and excitement, but this week has just felt a bit more like drudgery. Filmed a lot of YouTube things. Filmed some things for me, for my YouTube channel, and we're really close to being able to monetize that. I did some writing for the show.

I wrote an article that was rejected, and I have submitted it somewhere else. But it's like, sometimes life is made up of these weeks where, oh, nothing really comes together. I saw a physiotherapist about my knee and he said it had a problem with inflammation. And I thought, oh no, is that inflammation related inflammation? Because I got my two j***s. But it's probably just that I'm an old man and I did something weird to my knee. I'm an old,

fat man and I did something weird to my knee. And now we're doing this podcast and just waiting. What else did I do? Oh man, I did all this preparatory stuff. I want to do another art auction. So I've been trying to get my hands on my favorite South Australian painter's painting. And I just don't know this person personally. So I'm putting my feelers out to try and get in touch with my favorite South Australian painter. But it's not easy to talk to a very famous painter and get his work so that you can auction it off to have a boat it's not impossible we've done it before but um oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy it's a lot of waiting this week waiting and writing i'm writing a lot of poems i cannot wait to do those new poems trying Trying to monetize the YouTube,

but honestly, closing the blind so that I can just lie on my back and look at the ceiling while I do this podcast and not worry about the harsh light rays coming in, confrontingly, hauntingly looking at me. It's weird. Doing this podcast keeps me a little bit honest because once a week I do have to give some sort of an account for what I've done and where things are going. And at no point this week has it felt like I hadn't been working, but I genuinely, it's the first week in a long time where I feel as though I've got absolutely nothing to show for it it's just all lying down on the bed now it's all middling work

as we chug along and I sometimes you know there's just no dopamine there's nothing to show off about this week But that is what I think success probably looks like long term Is just nose to the grindstone And doing the work despite not hitting the small targets along the way Just writing poems I mean I've written some terrible poems this week Poems that I'm not even setting out to write poems. Just every night I wake up and I write poems. And some of them are fine and some of them are really just so.

Here's one. This one's called Fowlun Gong Show. Maybe you've seen them on the street and taken one of their flyers. They've got a philosophy of regulated breathing and slow movement energy exercises. Practicing that sort of thing is what they're all about. And just because of that, communists are chopping their organs out. But tonight they're going to do some traditional Chinese things for you. A little Chinese dance and a little Chinese song.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the Faolun Gong! I posted that to Instagram, and I left it up on Instagram for all of two minutes, during which time it only got one like, and I took it down from Instagram. I'm a serial. If it's not going very well immediately, delete it and hide away. I don't even know what that poem's about. I've got nothing. I've got no beef with the Fowl and Gong. I'm also not a big Fowl and Gong supporter. I don't know much about the Fowl and Gong.

It seems like they're undergoing some difficult times. But also some things on their Wikipedia page give me pause for thought and make me think, hold on a minute. What's going on with this Fowl and Gong group? Why do they have a swastika? I am a little, even if people go, no, no, no, no, no, the swastika is the very ancient symbol. You know, I just, I go, well, yeah, okay,

but, you know, a lot of things are ancient symbols that shouldn't be used anymore. Unless, of course, they're rising suns, in which case they should be used forever. And anyone who complains is a fascist. Oh, whoa, ladies and gentlemen. It's been one of those weeks. But I think the sun is rising. I think the sun is rising on my future.

I'm really enjoying watching Australian Survivor. I tell you what, it's a great season. And I have found out that one of the Australian Survivor, this year, out that one of the Australian Survivor this year, one of the contestants' fiancés has my book of poems and is a James Donald Forbes McCann fan. Wow! So I have liaised this week with said fiancée, who's a great person. Trying to cover up as many of the details as I can going forward. Okay, so I just don't want to spoil anything by using anyone's name. But, you know, in case it doesn't happen and people get very excited or whatever,

so I'll just be as vague as possible. But I have asked if it's possible for me to do an interview with that person. And I have been thinking about, possible for me to do an interview with that person. And I have been thinking about, I mean, this may be crazy, but how much money do I need to get a boat? $500,000. Okay. How much money do you win if you win Australian Survivor? Would that happen to be $500,000? Yes, it would. Maybe the fate of this podcast is that I become successful enough so that they let me on Australian Survivor Time was in the past they just let you on a game show

Because they thought you had something You know a little bit of sparkle Now you get on game shows seemingly because you have a big social media following Having a large social media following I think Would make it easier for me to be accepted onto Australian Survivor. From everything that I can pick up about it, that is the case. They have a few people who don't have a big social media following, but by and large, it doesn't seem to hurt if you've got a number of Instagram people to go on Australian Survivor,

because they're trying to build a road to audience. They're trying to pick people that people are already passionate about to get them on Australian Survivor so more people watch the show. So this year they've got Fraser, I think is his name, who's the often bullied man. He's famous for being bullied on the internet for being a materialistic real estate agent. And to be fair, if we are going to bully somebody,

I think a real estate agent who takes themselves seriously is not a bad idea. And so many other people on Australian Survival, you know, turn out to be influencers of one kind or another. So maybe I will be able to use the podcast to become successful enough, not to have a career in my own right, but just successful enough that they'll let me on Australian Survivor.

And then I'll win Australian Survivor, of course. There will be things that I'll have to do before then to get myself right to win Australian Survivor. I don't think I'm going to be much of a challenge beast, but it would be good if I could get my cardio and my musculature to a level where... Have we got a crying baby? Have we got a crying baby?

Tay, have we got a crying baby? I'm sorry. Anyway, I might be able to interview someone from Australian Survivor. That's the only thing I'm saying. And I've got a crying baby. I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle.

I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com I don't know what else to tell you.

I guess I'll come back and talk to you soon. Oh, baby, I'm back. You better believe it for the nighttime shift of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan coming to you live from the Volvo. We went out, we watched Australian Survivor. I'm no chance of winning Australian Survivor. The standard of play is too high. I have none of the skills. Tonight was the best

episode of Australian Survivor. Excuse me, I'm on the Rieslings now. The best episode of Australian Survivor I have ever seen. I've never even seen an episode of American Survivor that was that good. It? Impossibly good. I will spoil none of it. I won't spoil a single thing except to say that it had Scott Teneman in South Park level vengeance, machination. Oh, it was good. Oh, it was good. And I just, you know, as I sit here now, I think, maybe I could get on that show. Maybe they'd let me on that show and I'd add a little sizzle and personality. And I'd be there for between one and five tribal councils before being removed for saying something impolitique. There's no way I'm winning that show. The people who are good on that show, the people who are real survivor strategy people, sugar, they're so smart, I mean, I love

it, I'm enjoying it, but I don't have that sort of interpersonal intelligence, listen, I do a podcast from my Volvo, how much plotting and surviving do we think I can do? Oh, I've got no chance. I've got no chance. I think... Oh, if I have any skill... No, I don't. I don't have any interpersonal skill that would help me win Australian Survivor.

I've got to find another... I've got to find another idea for a game show that I could go on. And it's a shame because the game shows of today are so much harder to do well on than the game shows of yesteryear. In the 90s, you'd be watching The Price is Right and they'd go, congratulations,

you've accurately guessed how much that toaster cost. You've won a car. You've won an Alfa Romeo car. You get to have intercourse with the woman next to the car, if you wish, in the car, if you really want to, and you get a huge lump of 1990s dollars, which are worth much more than the dollars of the future, and the person there is going, wow, I've always wanted to have it off with a model in a car, and I'm going to buy a house, and I'm going to go on a round-the-world trip.

I once watched an episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire in the 90s, late 90s or early 2000s, and it's like they were getting close to the million-dollar question. I don't think they got there, but I think they got to like half a mil. And Eddie's asking them, what would you buy with a million dollars? And they're saying, I think I'd buy an island off the coast of Queensland. And Eddie's going, yeah, well, you could probably have a pretty good island for a million dollars. Now you win a million dollars

on who wants to be a millionaire. First of all, you can't because it's all split up and weird in the hot seat format. But secondly, what does a million dollars get you in Queensland? It's not a bloody island anymore. It's 400 square meters in Wynnum, for crying out loud. And then, oh, these Australian survivor people, at least in the American one, you get the full milli of American dollars. That's like four times the prize money of the Australian one. You've starved for 60 days, and what do you get to buy? A humble suburban home in a safe but sort of boring suburb? There's anything wrong with that, but it's not an island off the coast of Queensland.

Hello? Oh! Oh! Nah, it'll be all right. I've got my poems, and they'll come through with the big money. We'll have an office soon. We'll have a big fringe show. Please do come along to the Melbourne show if you're in Melbourne. Tickets in the link somewhere. You can find them.

I think I'm going to be ready. I did a gig on Friday night. I closed out a show on Friday. It was a line-up show and I got to go on at the end and there weren't as many acts as there might have otherwise been. So I got to do a little bit longer than I ordinarily would. And some of that material will be in this show that I do in the Adelaide Fringe. And I don't mind telling you that I did quite well., had a best, I did well in a way that is not the way that I really want to be doing well. Like, hmm, had a, there are a lot of, if I may employ my tactical speech now, I just, to make some of the jokes fly, I think they're a bit dark and a bit macabre, but I'm sort of leaning into techniques on stage

that divide rooms and you can still do well, but you've got, you know, maybe you kill it with 95 people in a room of 100, but five of them come away going, that man's sick and I don't want to think about that anymore. And that's not what Michael McIntyre does, you know? The people who leave Michael McIntyre unhappy,

they don't go, what the goodness me, what's wrong with that man? It's like 99% of people come out of Michael McIntyre going, wow, he skips and he's fun. And one person comes out going, not quite jaded enough for me, but nice enough, man. But that's not what I, yeah. Frankly, I didn't get 95. I'm probably at this point, I'm rocking 75% were loving it,

25% were frowning at their partners is about where I was at. And so what we want to do is make the jokes funny enough that some of the hate can come out of them. And I think that would be judicious because at the moment it's just a little too many oohs. I don't usually get that many oohs on stage. It's nice to have life in the audience, but I didn't get into show business so that people could go, ooh, ooh, ooh. That's not a noise that I like hearing.

The noise I like hearing is the people, I won't do it, but it's people struggling to breathe because of the laughing. That's the noise you want to hear, not this like. But I mean, both of those noises are better than that. Do you know that? Here's my, here's always one. That's my least favorite audience noise is, you go to the writers festival and all those ladies with gray hair and red rimmed plastic glasses in ridiculous outfits, these

middle class retirees. Do you know who I'm talking about? These ABC watching biddies, They get along. And they... Mmm. Mmm. Someone's up there going... I think a First Nations voice to Parliament. Mmm. Whatever it is. Well, I'd like to see the government take stronger action. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Man. Mmm. Mmm. Man. I agree with you, is what they're trying to say. I don't want people to agree with me on stage. What a terrible, boring thing that is. And to, I mean, if people really agree with you, that's great. Then you will, you know, take to the streets and kick in some shop windows and control the government. That's great. But if people agree with you, nothing can come of that moan. Sickening. Excuse me. I've gotten carried away. It's been one of those weeks. Really nice night watching television with some friends and they had a big yard and my children were couldn't quite go so far as to say they were well behaved but would go so far as to say that considering how late we were there really well behaved I was very proud of them and we're just starting to get a point with the kids where they are a little more in control.

My daughter is so funny and I'm so proud to have her on the podcast this week. She's such a joy. She makes me so happy. And my son, also such a joy, also makes me so happy. And my other son, wow, let me tell you, such a joy. I love them all. I love these kids. But my middle child, he is starting to do full sentences.

And he's mostly doing sentences in terms of, I want that. But he's doing some sentences like, I want ice in my drink. And it's just, oh, man. It's so nice to have him be able to describe slightly complicated things. Because even just a couple weeks ago, he would just, you know, he would scream and scream and scream. And now, I mean, no amount of screaming conveys to everybody around you, I'd like you to put some ice in my drink. There's just no, and the screaming becomes more intense

with his inability to express his desire for ice in the drink. I mean, these people, these, these, these, these, these, these verbologists, you know, these, excuse me, hard for me not to swear after I've had a couple of Rieslings and I'm talking about academia, and they'll be like, language makes thought, not just thought makes language. We are shaped by the words we use. We don't just use words to the shape, whatever. It's, you know, maybe there are situations where that is true. But I tell you, I've looked at my son screaming for something and having no words for it. And I see him now being able to say, I want ice in my drink.

Now it's not knowing the word ice and want and in and my that has allowed him to have the thought that he wants ice in a drink. He wants ice in a drink because it's cool and it's nice and you can chew the ice and spit it out and throw it at people. Beyond the language, he wants the ice in the drink. The word is nothing but a receptacle for crying out loud for the thought. And it's so lovely that my boy, he's got some of the words now. And so rather than just screaming at me, he's able to say what he wants in a way that we can comprehend it and make it happen.

If it's a thing that should be allowed to happen, sometimes he's asking for stuff that just can't be allowed to happen. And my youngest boy, ah, my sweet youngest boy, he's the easiest baby we've ever had. And I'm so thankful that God sent us an easy child. Oh boy, am I ever pleased with that. Alright. I better go. But even if God sends us a more difficult child, that's cool too, you know. So long as we can pray that God will make us stronger. God, make me stronger. Make me strong enough to do the things I have to do. God, please, Make me strong enough to do the things I have to do. God, please.

Please fashion me into something that can do the things that I have to do. And help me to know what you want me to do and have that be the thing that I want to do so that I'm not just chasing ridiculous vanity. Oh. Hope everyone has a happy Valentine's Day and a glorious Super Bowl. I'll be going off to a pub tomorrow to watch that Super Bowl. And I hope that Philadelphia gets up. I love Philadelphia. I met some Philly boys earlier in the year, some Pennsylvania boys, and I love them.

They are the most, it's the most wonderful race of people, Pennsylvanians. I really liked them. All right. Have a good one. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I need you.

I've got an itchy nose. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show.

I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts.