The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Mussolini Whine

Episode Date: August 28, 2022

We are moving house. What fun that is.Coming to Brisbane THIS weekend http://www.jdfmccann.com/comedyJoin the patreon, get the goodies, extra episodes: www.patreon.com/jdfmccannMARLON BRANDO 9/11 COMING SOON Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessie Crookshank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend.

I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime. Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back. CBC News brings the story to you as it happens.

Hundreds of wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. This situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. You are now listening to James Donald Forbes' Macan Catamaran Plan. Mamma mia, that is a spicy catamaran plan.

And now here is a poem from James Donald Forbes' McCann's upcoming book of poems, Marlon Brando 11 September. This is a poem called Mussolini Wine. Mussolini Wine. Mussolini Wine. Ah, the parade. Little Sydney. Rich Italians. Let us go to one of those old-style cafes.

Why, look up there on the shelf. Is that Mussolini wine? On the top shelf, next to the FIFA World Cup liqueur. Excuse me, up there. Is that Mussolini wine? What? On the top shelf up there, is that Mussolini wine? What? On the top shelf up there, the wine that says ducks and has a big picture of Mussolini on it. Yes, my husband put it up there and now I go up onto the ladder to dust it.

They say I'm not supposed to go up onto the ladder, that I am too old. But I just go up onto the ladder and dust the bottle. Who will stop me? Well, I suppose that Mussolini wouldn't be the sort of chap to tolerate dust. What? You know, the train's running on time and that sort of... Do you want a coffee? What sort of coffee do you want? Thank you. James Donald Forbes McCann's first book of poems, Marlon Brando 9-11, will be available for purchase from September 10th, 2022. And now, here is this week's episode of the JDFMCP. I'm so angry with the rental situation in Australia

that I even considered writing an article about it again. I haven't written a political article for years, not since the arrival of the children. And when I quit smoking, it was quite easy to write a news.com.au or Spectator think piece when smoking, you know, and pre-children. Because you just get really angry about something. You'd stay angry about it for, I don't know, 15 hours overnight. Punching down the Winnie Blues, the Peter Stuyvesant's, the Port Royale.

And you'd write that article. And, you know, by the end of 12 hours of just sitting and writing, it's done and you can send it off and you get paid almost enough to cover the cost of the tobacco. Very hard, I find, to write those articles without the tobacco and with the children. I don't have a block of 15 hours uninterrupted. Good Lord.

But I was so angry with the rental situation as we're moving house. I've seriously thought about it. Problem number one, all these six month leases on the market. The reason we've had to move out of our home is the landlords are sort of planning to move back in the future. They have a date that they want, and they've offered a six-month lease. Now, the six-month timing would coincide with my wife recovering from a caesarean section. All things going well. So that's not really a great time to get the whip into her back and have her moving boxes, you know, while she's been cut in half. Ah!

Six months, and then we're looking for a new place to move into, and I'm just seeing everywhere offering these six-month leases, because they can offer six-month leases, and because the housing, I think it's because the prices are going up so fast. These landlords don't want to miss out on those juicy improvements to the rent. So they're just going six month lease, six month lease, six month lease, because then they can f*** you on the rent. We apologize for that shameful outburst.

And frankly, I don't care if the prices go up or down. But I mean, I have an unusual life in that respect right because I think I will either be an impoverished renter renting in more and more obscure areas with more and more black mold with my family till I die I think that's probably what's in store for me or my upcoming book of poems Marlon Brando 9-11, will be an enormous success, making enough money not only for me to buy a house, but also that boat that we talk about so often here on the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan.

Excuse me. Marlon Brando 9-11 coming out September 10. Wonderful things happening with Marlon Brando 9-11. I have a... Excuse me, that was the most flamboyant hiccup I've ever achieved. Yes, that's coming out soon and I have a cold, as you can probably tell. Excuse me. But here's what I would say would be a nice thing to fixate on

as there are so many more renters nowadays. Just a spot of dignity, you know? You don't need to own a house to have dignity, but you can rent with certain provisions. Here's one. These six-month leases have got to go. This is a relatively new thing. I've been on the rental market. Listen, I've been looking for houses to rent for years. We get kicked out of properties. We move out of properties, whatever happens all the time. And it used to be, you know, one in a hundred would be a six month lease and they'd be much cheaper than the neighboring properties. And you'd sit and you'd go, that's great. Oh, six months. But now it's priced at the same rate as everywhere else it's just as nice and it's only six months

and there's a lot of them i think the german model is five-year leases that you can break as the leasee the same way that you would break anything else but if you're a landlord you can't touch the rent and you can't evict people for five years. And you know, I think Germany might have an okay housing market. I'm just saying you should be allowed to have pets. Obviously, obviously you should be allowed to have pets. Do I want pets? No, they would make my life harder. We're about to have a baby. My wife is allergic to cats. Birds. I work for the bird charity. I don't actually want to own a bird. Certainly the thought of having a dog at this point exhausts me that you could never travel. Or if you do travel, you put them in one of those

sad dog hotels, which is a very nice name for a cage. So I don't want a pet, but there are people out there. I know them. I've seen them. They just can't be happy without a dog because they have some sort of emotional disorder where they need an animal to be in relationship with because people can't give them everything they need. I'm not one of those people. It's weird and alien to me to have an animal in the house, but I understand there are and they should be allowed to do it. So number one, five-year leases. Number two, you can have pets, right? You can have them. And if you just did those two things blanket wide across the country,

and if you just did those two things blanket wide across the country maybe fewer people would want to be landlords right it would be a less appealing prospect i don't think it would be so unappealing that people would stop uh buying properties and building properties to rent out to people you don't want supply to shrivel this This rant about housing is going on for much too long. It is very boring and not well researched. So we'd like to take this opportunity to mention that James is coming to Brisbane for a show next week. If you live in Brisbane, come and watch James performing live at the Good Chat Comedy Festival. Which are not human places to live, unless you're on one of the top floors. Oh, I remember when I first got to Melbourne,

I was in Collingwood, and I said, look at those buildings. How do you get the penthouse in there? And someone said, you've got to be on heroin for about 15 years. And that seemed like too long a time to get the most glorious penthouse in all Collingwood. But then beneath that, my understanding is... Once again, James is coming to Brisbane soon.

The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan Extravagan open parenthesis, saw closed parenthesis, featuring comedy, poems, and the Jake Smith dancers. What's not to like? September 2nd at the Good Chat Comedy Club. It's such a big country. It is a big country. Excuse me.

I apologize. I've been up on my high horse for too long. It's time for me to get down off my high horse. One moment. Good girl. Good girl. Now, it's a big country and we've got some big fans. And some of those big fans like to take out advertising on the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan, get us a little bit closer to boat ownership.

And today we have a very special, very special Wagga Wagga business. I love Wagga Wagga. I'm coming back there for a show soon. Dates to be announced shortly, but for now I'd like to tell you all about Tasty Tucker, located at 8 Lawson Street, East Wagga. They're open from 6am to 2pm. They have great burgers, hot and cold wraps, and other fried comfort food. All too often a place will only do a hot wrap or a cold wrap.

Not here. Both kinds of wraps and they've got two smoko vans that deliver on site at a time that suits your business their slogan is woggers best for woggers best don't you love that so once again tasty tucker if you want to burgers and fried food and hot food you know if you just if you're really hating your job right this sounds like the sort of food that will keep you going through the afternoon you've huffed that glorious tobacco into your lungs obviously i'm not allowed to tell people to smoke i think there's probably laws against that, but go and smoke for goodness sake. I mean, I've quit smoking because I want to live, but if you don't, you should smoke. It really helps. It really helps. It really helps. So, I mean, don't vape, certainly. Excuse me. Anyway, Tasty Tucker, 8 Lawson Street, East Wagga. If I lived in Wagga and I was on a, you know,

a building site, hating my job, that's where I would go for some tasty comfort food. Get on it. Hot wraps. Cold wraps. Here's a little rap for you now. Here's a hot rap. A boom boom snap. A boom boom snap. Hey, Lawson Street, that's the place to go to eat. Tasty tucker. Cold wraps full of meat. Fried comfort food. A positive attitude. Great burgers too. What you going to do? 6am to 2pm. They're open when? I just told you.

Fool. Tasty Tucker. Wagga is cool. Wraps that are cool. Anyway, Tasty Tucker. East Wagga is cool. Reps that are cool. Anyway, Tasty Tucker, East Wagga, you know about it. Eight Laws and Street, Wagga's best for Wagga's best. I'm going to get better at reading these ads, but I'm personally looking forward to eating there when I'm in Wagga. Now, important business to get on with in the show today. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you.

We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime. Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back.

CBC News brings the story to you as it happens. Hundreds of wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. This situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. CBC News.

Oh, I've got this cold. The cold spoils everything. Good health is so important. You know, the problem is you... Ah, the issue is one has all these things to do and then one does them. And then when there isn't the stress of having to do things, keeping one together, one gets sick.'t the stress of having to do things keeping one together one gets sick but there's still things to do you know there's still so many things to do

like we found our new home and it's a lovely home and i'm really looking forward to moving into our new rental and we did yes we did manage to find one with a year-long lease and what a joy that is and who knows maybe house prices will collapse over the next year and i'll look like the smartest man in town affirmation i think that very unlikely but we'll find out and then i did a live show in adelaide very similar to the live show that i'll be doing in brisbane lots of new comedy material lots of of great comedians. We had Clay McMath, Biddy O'Loughlin. We had Paul the Black, which is a stage name that he seems to only make me say. I've noticed, Paul, that you're not going as Paul the Black on the more woke gigs.

I notice you've got that gig coming up where it's Paul and your real last name, but when you're on my shows, you make me introduce you as Paul the Black. Paul. You're enjoying making me look silly and uncomfortable in front of my hipster, groovy audiences, Paul. Anyway, God bless you, Paul. God bless you, Clay. God bless you, Biddy. It was a great show.

Brandon Manarino and Brad Hollis, they read one of my plays. And Brad also did some stand-up. And the play needs work, and I see that now. Oh, and I've just been getting through work and the live show. And I think I might have a gig in Melbourne. It's like, it's a lot. It's a lot of balls in the air. But we're moving forward.

We've never grown so much. I will have a house to move into. I thank God for all the blessings in my life. I did an audition. I auditioned for someone's television show. I don't know how they know I exist. But they do. And I did that audition.

And it would be nice to get that audition. And I might, you know, I think I'm going to to America I'm trying to figure that out affirmations oh and I've got to do my taxes I haven't done my taxes excuse me this is not the James Donald Forbes McCann complains for half an hour program it's the catamaran plan and we do have plans for the Canamaran. The cover for the book is well underway. I'm working with Jamison on that. She sent me the first draft. It was wonderful. I had a few things that I thought could go into it.

She's added them. Wonderful. She's adding the text. So I'll edit the interview we did and maybe do another interview about the cover. I'm so pleased with the cover.. I'm so pleased with the cover and I'm so pleased with the poems and the reading of the poems. And it's just this cold when one is unwell. It's like there's a hole in one's head where joy is meant to be. And I'm just not looking forward to moving all these books. I have so many stupid books that I don't need. Why do I own a

book on the Pitcairn Islands? Why do I own, you know, a biography of Sir Thomas Playford? Why do I own book after book about Australian politics? Goodness. Some of them are good books. Master and Margarita. I've got that here. That's a good book. I've got a bo-bo-bo-bo-bo. Oh, Chuck Costerman's The Nineties. That's my most recently purchased book. I've been enjoying that. Plato's Republic. Yeah, that's a good book, I guess. Combination of good and bad books.

Two copies of Cormac McCarthy's All the Pretty Horses. I was going to read that with my wife. We're going to read that together. Oh, listen. Jimmy might have to have a lie down, Jimmy loves doing the podcast, but Jimmy's not holding it together, it was so, I will say this, the live show, the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran planned extravaganza was so fun, and it was so much more professional than the first one. The first one where I cut my hair off.

Yeah, I felt very bad about that, but I didn't feel nearly as bad about this show. I think, yes, I think it's all starting to congeal. Affirmations! We didn't make a lot of money on the door. I made enough to pay the two people to film it, Paul and Sam, and that was wonderful. And I am looking forward to...

Yeah, we got the footage, so I'll have another, like, 10, 15 minutes of stand-up comedy that I can upload to YouTube. I haven't done one of those in a long time. And we can sort of, you know, grow the brand a little bit. I mean, so much of stand-up is just like working and gigging and doing it. But this is my preferred way to do stand-up comedy. You do it the first time. It's the rawest and the most fresh and exciting.

And you really understand why it's meant to be funny. You just record that and pop it out, you know, before you have the chance to hate it. And some people would say, James, that's problematic. Stand-up is a craft. Stand-up is about chiseling away the unnecessary. And as I just say, I don't care. I don't care. Shut up. Just do it. Do it. Put it out there. Move on. Of course, I'm not successful. And I wouldn't do that with like club material, but for YouTube, YouTube it's I think it's a better way for me to do it oh who knows maybe I'm an idiot Marlon Brando 9-11 book of poems coming out soon boat coming very soon you know this is one of the last golly maybe one of the final two

might be the last podcast I do from this room in this house before we have to move I there's it's a smaller house that we're moving into and i don't know where i'm going to put everything i've got my enormous painting of a purple man with his dick out being crucified on a hungry jack sign i don't know where that's going to go my q magazines my books an introduction to biblical hebrew from this book here by Alan P. Ross. That was from a time when I thought that I would begin learning biblical Hebrew, which, you know, evidently did not take place. L'chaim, everybody. Oh, mercy me. And then we've got a show to make. There's a lot to do, but it is a joyful time.

I'm getting to spend... One of the very nice things about working remotely on SEO copywriting is I can just sort of... I can just do it at weird hours of the night and no one cares. And then I get to spend the day with friends and family, helping people to move, doing things with my kids. I got to take my daughter out for a very special trip out this week. She had an ice cream and she's getting to the age where she can basically eat the ice cream

and not have it be overwhelmingly sticky on everything. She basically got ice cream to mouth without too much hand ice cream action. Ah, it's a beautiful time. It's a beautiful time in my life. And I'm such a big whinger. And also it's a beautiful time. It's a beautiful time in my life and I'm such a big windjer and also it's a full time. You know, it's a very full and exciting time. Oh, I should pray. Okay. Well, I love you. I miss you. I need you. I want you. I want you. I need you also and I don't need to find out because I know that it's true. Yes. Ah, when I move house, I think the podcast can go back to being a little more structured and regimented.

Did I say go back to? I meant become for the first time. Can I just say as well how pleased I am? We're now clocking 500 downloads a week. 500 a week. We started out with so much less than that. We're growing all the time. Thank you. Thank you for the ads. Thank you for the support. Thank you for the love. I think I'm getting better at this. I think I'm becoming more structured. I'm able to do it a little earlier in the week i'm becoming a better person i have not yet resorted to going on add medication although many people seem to think that's a good idea yes i hear you i just think we keep going you know we just keep going plugging away financially oh moving house is like a real kick in the testes uh financially because you've got

isn't this you pay a bond at a place right and even if you keep the house in in good nick they find something to get you on the bond right but say you get the whole bond back say well you've got to move into another house you don't get a nice period of homelessness in between i guess you can live with your parents for a while if you don't have a family but if you've got to move into another house. You don't get a nice period of homelessness in between. I guess you can go and live with your parents for a while if you don't have a family. But if you've got a family and you're renting, it's like we have to rent the other house before we stop living at this house to make the move. You don't get the bond back until after you move and you have to pay the bond before you move in. Is there some service where they can just lend you five grand to do that?

Well, the service I have is called having friends i want to thank all the friends i've called this week to see if they can help me uh and i think we're going to be fine we're going to be fine but it is like man it's hard out there if you're trying to live a good life and look after your family not even saying if you are living a good life but if if you're making an effort to live a good life and look after your family, I'm not even saying if you are living a good life, but if you're making an effort to live a good life and look after your family, it's hard out there, man. It's difficult times. Maybe it's always been difficult times.

Maybe it's not actually that difficult, not being a big pussy. No, it's pretty difficult. Ah, the cold makes everything seem difficult. You know, when you have good health, everything seems so easy and fancy-free. When you have bad health, oh boy, oh boy, mercy me. Is that a poem? Sadly, we have filled up all the available pages for Marlon Brando 9-11.

Maybe I'll start writing my second book of poems. Golly, wouldn't that be nice if I just had a new book? I could do a new book of poems every week and I could sell none of them and I'd be a big idiot. All right. Hey, I've got a copy of Musashi on the shelf. What's that next to it? A copy of Das Kapital, Volume 1, that I've read some of. Maybe I should sell some of these books. Anyway, look, I'll let you go. I'll let you go. You've been very kind. You've been very positive. Here's a very old song that I wrote. I love you. I miss you. Feel free to join the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Patreon so you can listen to the Sailing Club Captain's Log podcast. But for now, I'll let you go. Have a goodailing Club Captain's Log podcast.

But for now, I'll let you go. Have a good one. Have a good week. Thank you for sticking around. Sorry for having this sick person voice. I'm going to go and have lunch. Yeah! Oh yeah. Oh no! Yeah! Oh yeah Oh no