The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - My name is pants (ft. Jack)

Episode Date: October 9, 2022

Look, honestly, probably had a few too many drinks and left it until the last minute. One must either improve or just let one of these go through to the keeper. Being constant is not quite the same as consistency. Thanks to Jack for coming on the pod, but not for the swearing. Mostly, thanks to my daughter for the music she wrote with her Grandpa.Partake of my #1 bestselling book of poems, Marlon Brando 9/11: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B0B92NWWDCGet the audiobook and join the Patreon, and more: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered.

Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push.

Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Real talk. Big Man Ding. James got drunk and forgot to do a podcast this week, so he just grabbed his friend Jack whom he was drinking with and recorded a podcast with him. Big Man Ding James isn't sure if it's a good podcast or if it lives up to the high standards of podcast excellence. You've come to expect with much love and thanks to Jack for doing the podcast. Here it is.

We're on. Okay, yeah. So I just opened my beer and it went all spilly. And what did you say? It's a boy. That's what people say, isn't it? That's Jack Blanche, by the way, a return guest on the James Donald Forbes Mechanic Catamaran plan. Anyway, the sketch that I thought of was like someone opens up their beer,

right, and fizzes up. And they go, it's a boy. And then the next shot, they're all Jews, you see. And I want to get to Kanye West about it. And they're at a bris. And the top of the beer is lopped off. You understand? And then, you know, the next thing, they're at, like, soccer.

And the beer is there kicking the thing around. And then the next thing, you know, the next thing they're at, like, soccer, and the beer is there kicking the thing around. And then the next thing, you know, I don't know. The boys learn how to read. And that sort of business. The Talmud, though. Oh, well, maybe. Yes, he's a brist. He's become a man.

Anyway, the beer develops childhood cancer. This is terribly sad. And the Make-A-Wish Foundation come around. And then what? Hmm? I hadn't thought about the end. Maybe they go to the funeral for the beer. The employee's always a boy.

You know. Anyway, listen. Welcome to this episode of... The James Donovan McCann Catamaran Plan. We just have one microphone. I have to move back and forward. And I'm so great to be here with you, Jack. Thank you, James.

Very great to be here with you. And I have really planned this episode. Not at all. I was going to get it done earlier. And then you've been over at our house for hours. Hours. What if we just put the microphone, like, in the middle? It doesn't really work like that,

because it's a special journalist microphone that's meant to be thrust in people's faces. Now, let's get to the meat and potatoes of why you're here. Yes. In my Volvo, so that my family can go to sleep. Wonderful. Also, if we can keep swearing to a minimum, and that way I can still release it on time and not have to edit it.

Do you mind? But I really like it when you bleep it out. The fuck? I'm really angry that you've done that. I shouldn't have even mentioned it. You wouldn't have done it otherwise. I wouldn't have done it. If we can please just have the one.

All right, one. Okay, and I'll put in a little classical music over one of the bits, but that's it. Minimal editing. Man, it's been one of those weeks. I'll just update people very briefly. I got back from Wagga Wagga. Flew back on one of those small planes. Exciting stuff.

I love Wagga Wagga. You flew. I thought you drove. I was going to drive, but it's nine hours and there was just no time with the fam. Yeah, I know. That's what I thought. It was insane that you went. So you took a little plane.

I flew in on a insane that you went. So you took a little plane. Oh, I flew in on a big plane to Melbourne. Right. And then a little plane. And, yeah, it's something. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I love the little plane.

You get a whole aisle to yourself. I've never been in a little plane before. Let me tell you, when there is turbulence, you really feel like you might die. Very liberating. What's the price difference of a little plane to a big plane? I've got to be honest with you. Someone else was covering the cost of my flight while I did this gig. So who cares?

And it was a private birthday party. And I've always turned down private birthday parties in the past. Well, what would you think if I said, come and do stand-up comedy at my private birthday? Do I have to take my clothes off? Do I have to take my clothes off? Did you have to take your clothes off? No, it wasn't that sort of private birthday party. The previous time I'd been asked to do a comedy at a private event

was our friend Father Ollick at his ordination. And he said, James, I think it'd be very good if you did stand-up comedy. And I said, Ollick, then not Father O Oleg, you know, a couple of days before. Deacon Oleg. I think that's a very bad idea, you know. Yeah, I think that was a good call. Yeah, I think I called you and you advised me not to do it. Anyway, this time, it was an opportunity to go to Wagga Wagga,

to do this private birthday party and to see Father Oleg's brother. And, oh, my goodness. Shout out to see Father Oleg's brother. And, oh my goodness. Shout out to Brother Chris, baby. Shout out, Brother Chris. And I got to go and I got to stay with him and his family and the wonderful Claire and his wonderful children. I just love them so much and I love Wagga Wagga. And I got to do this. It was the greatest,

most wholesome party. The children, the community, the togetherness. Shout out, Wagga Wagga. Much respect. And, oh, I could go on. You know what? One of the things I bought at the op shop, because I buy op shop presents at quiz nights, was I couldn't believe it.

First of all, the best op shop I've just about ever been to. Wagga Wagga, like rich enough to have great stuff, far away enough that hipsters haven't destroyed it. Right, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the Gucci Mane Guide to Greatness, Gucci Mane's second book. And it's full of, to say that it's the rival of Marcus Aurelius is to maybe understate it. The only bit I didn't like, I thought he was flashing me with his high beams, but he was just going over the speed bump.

It won't mean anything to the listeners. There's an episode of this podcast recorded two weeks ago where I was high as a kite on codeine after the grand final, which you would have loved as a catsman. I was not high on codeine. Let me tell you, easy to watch if you were high. Easy to watch if you were high. The whole time. Easy to watch if you're a cat supporter.

I think even as a cat supporter in the fourth quarter, you might have been like, can they do something? No, no, I was actually fairly happy with it. Well, I was too. As this beatdown was happening with two teams that I like, I didn't care who won, but I thought, I was thinking, isn't this wonderful? By the way, listen, I was high as a cat on coding

because I'd done my back and I found a Dr. Feelgood who was ready to take care of me in a meaningful sense. And I thought, isn't it actually better to just have one team annihilate another? Isn't that more beautiful? And then I thought, oh, that's definitely the drugs talking, isn't it? I'm taking a lot of time to get to the point here.

Anyway, shout out Wagga Wagga. Shout out Jack Blanche in the car. We have some serious stuff to talk about on this episode. You're going to tell me some jokes or something, right? Well, we'll get to that. Number one. Okay, number two is there'll be some jokes. And I'll explain why I'm going to tell my four favorite jokes of all time.

Number one is going to be talking about America and people I'm going to see in America. America. America. Number three. God bless'm going to see in America. America. America. Number three. God bless America. Industry boom in America. That's the number three. Number three.

What about number two? What about number two? Number two is the jokes. Oh, sorry. And number three is a song. My daughter wrote a song and my daughter came home and said, I want to record a song. She wrote a song. You've heard the song.

It was beautiful. Isn't it? I mean, ostensibly some of this show has to be about a catamaran so i'm going to america to try and i'm using the catamaran money to go to america i bought the tickets wait what my catamaran money is paying for your trip to sorry notable patron jack so i've noticed that we have some listeners in america i've had this opportunity to go to america and to really i think build a big audience in america and have some listeners in America. I've had this opportunity to go to America and to really, I think, build a big audience in America and have some big, big things happen there.

Big things. You know some of them. I'm not telling them, but how big are the things, Jack? They're as big as they can be. That's not understanding in the slightest! Big things happening in America, and I think it's a good use of funds. Like, I could spend that money on advertising,

because we're just trying, because frankly, we're not actually getting any money off the podcast at the moment. We've got some money off the Patreon that people know about because of the podcast. The podcast is bringing in... Nothing. But can I just say, like, as a patron of the Patreon,

and since I was last on the Catamaran, I've become a patron. That's so kind. Well, yeah, because you insulted me last time I was on the podcast for it. But I think, yeah, I trust you. I've given my money to you, and I want you to use it to live your Catamaran dreams. What an excellent spokesperson for what I have to hope the other people are. Some of the mugs have been returned to me in the mail

and I haven't yet sent them out. Have you got your mug? Jimmy, I have not got my mug. Have you seriously not got your mug? No. Did I not hand you your mug? You didn't give me my mug. I was talking about this with Sean, one of your other patrons.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Will you, um... You say whatever you like in the microphone while I'm in the house, but you must absolutely promise not to swear, because I can't do the editing. I promise not to swear. All right, all right, I'll be back in a second. And, dear listener, I f***ing lied.

I'm going to swear so much, James, that you're going to have to bleep out every second f***ing word. Anyways, so James is gone. He's gone inside to get my mug because even though i patronized this podcast he never gave me my mug and i'm sure that there must be some other listeners out there who have also been robbed of justice in not having their mug um but yeah in the meantime i don't know what to say uh james is obviously very drunk uh and he's about to go to america which i'm very sad about not as sad as his wife

obviously uh but you know it'll be good for him it'll be good for him to go to america go to new york you know meet a bunch of people do his stand-up thing blah blah tell some jokes and then hopefully make so much money that he can hire me exclusively as his i don't know like press secretary or just i just want to be in an entourage anyways he's about to come back and hopefully with my mug he's got a box is it my mug is it my that is my mug i don't know what you said but i hope it's all positive so we'll leave the lights on as you open up the mug the only people who haven't got the mugs are the ones that got sent back to me in the mail. Yeah.

The one that I drove to a woman's house, and I was going to drop it off in Adelaide to not pay postage, and then I couldn't find a way into her property, and then I forgot about it. And two people who are at mass with me, you and Tom Sullivan. I've got Tom's in the room, and I've got yours here. Wait, hang on a second. So there's something about, like, I can't wash these mugs, right? Oh, I don't.

You won't be. So, okay. The mug that I've drawn on, that's going to come off if you wash it. Don't drink that. But I've put a second mug in the box. I don't know why I wrapped yours up just like I wrapped everyone. I could have just handed it to you. I could have done it ages ago.

So there's two mugs. There's one that I've written on. And you'll notice both in. Now, can you describe the process of what's happening? What piece of paper are you opening up now? Well, so there's a box.'ve written on and you'll notice both in now can you describe the process of what's happening well what do you what piece of paper are you opening up now well so there's a box it's very exciting actually there's there's bubble wrap around the mugs and there's a piece of paper that says warning do not machine wash the personalized mug well that's good to know thank you lots of text there's lots of text attached to two mugs one for drinking slash

washing and one for looking at this was james James Sutterform McCann's first attempt at making a machine washable customized mug. And early reports indicate that it was not successful and the drawing will come off. Thank you for supporting the James Sutterform McCann catamaran plan. I will endeavor to ensure that the future merchandise is better and more durable. Yours faithfully, Jay McCann. Now, let's see what my, I've forgotten what mug I drew for you because you refused to get back to me. So one of the mugs has no writing on it. And that's your, that's see what mug. I've forgotten what mug I drew for you because you refused to get back to me. So one of the mugs has no writing on it. And that's the Avatar mug.

I think that's the one you've just opened there. This has nothing on it. There's nothing on it. And you drink out of that one while you look at the mug that I've drawn on. But you just gave me a blank mug. Yeah, but that's so you can wash that one and keep having it. But you can look at the mug that I did draw on and go, Aha!

But you don't wash this mug but i thought you were doing the artwork on the other mug and like baking it in properly no no no i never figured out how to do it so everyone else also got a blank mug yeah i had to send out two mugs to everybody and it made it way more expensive man the one that had to go to germany cost like a lot of money anyway and i had to get a bigger box and everything but this is the mug that you're free to look at personalized never never never wash this mug i don't wash my mugs anyway i'm telling you now what did i what did i write on there so jdfmcp and then signature on one side. On the other side, it says, to my friend Jack, pray for me, your friend James.

What a beautiful message. Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you. I'm so glad to have gotten that out of my shelf. I've got like three more mugs to get away. I've got 30 out the door. I need a PA.

In hindsight, listening back to what Jack said about wanting to be in an entourage, maybe one day if the podcast is going really well, Jack could give up on his six-figure salary working in the disability bureaucracy and make sure that James Mayo goes out on time instead for way less money and way less helpful to disabled people in Australia.

But, like, better for people like you, disabled people who live in Switzerlanditzerland listen we're gonna okay look at his split so i've got the song at the end we've got the jokes in the middle i'm going to america thank you for having that mug i'm sorry to everybody else the other couple of people your muggies are coming soon so i'm going to america and i'm trying to find people kieran hookway just wrote to me and said he loved beethoven i mean that's true he's a cool dog the important thing you know what I'm saying?

I'm trying to make the most of this trip to America, and I'm trying to meet famous people in America. I've written this week a letter to Conan O'Brien. I did see the letter on Twitter, yeah. I put it on Twitter, and I put it on Instagram and Facebook. It's done very well, but Conan has not responded yet. What a dog. I won't have that sort of talk about Conan. He's a busy man.

I'm just going to open up the, actually the sunroof to this car because it's getting a little and you're going to smoke in my car, aren't you? I'm not going to smoke it. I'm just rolling a cigarette. I just would like a cigarette at some point. No, no, I understand. I'm going to smoke where your children sit for 12 hours a day, I imagine.

They're in here for a lot. Here's the letter. Hold on. Oh, there's a little burp coming. Bloody hell, I imagine. They're in here for a lot. Here's the letter. Hold on. Oh, there's a little burp coming. Bloody hell, I'm quite drunk, aren't I? I think people can assume that. So just in case Conan is listening to this instead, here is a letter to Conan O'Brien. Okay.

I mean every word of this, Conan. Dear Conan O'Brien, I'm a comedian from Australia and a long-time fan of your work. In a few weeks, I am coming to America. One of my dreams was to be interviewed on your program. Sadly, I've been foiled by time and you no longer have a television program. Now, I've spelt program in... Double M-E in the correct French manner?

Well, in the first one, I wrote program in the American style of just A-M. And then I changed it to A-double-M-E because I forgot to make it the American style. A-double-M-E is the way to go. Because he's American. So that was my default setting. But I just thought, I only noticed afterwards,

but my post-factum explanation is that I wanted to be welcoming to an American but also true to myself. Your post-coital explanation? There's no cause for that. I love Conan be welcoming to an American, but also true to myself, your post-coital explanation. There's no cause for that. I love Conan O'Brien in a chaste and masculine fashion. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered.

Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. in meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. I have a solution to him not having it. You can stand out there maybe while, and you have your cigarette while I record this. No, leave the door open, but you know, I'll keep going.

Is it possible, Mr. Conan O'Brien, to reboot, sorry, that door's broken, to reboot your television program? We just want to make sure that piece of plastic hasn't fallen out. It hasn't. Okay, great. Nothing's fallen out. It's the Volvo scene, Better Days. Is it possible, Mr. O'Brien, to reboot your television program for one show

so that I might perform on it? I don't expect it to be quite the same as the original show, with a big band. I will be entirely satisfied with there being merely a small band, perhaps a one-man band, the sort Dick Van Dyke has in Mary Poppins. Did you know Dick Van Dyke? Might he be interested in reprising the role? I've done a quick Google search,

and Mr. Van Dyke appears to be in astonishingly good health for a 96-year-old. Did you know that Dick... Stop the letter for a second. Did you know... Have you looked up Dick Van Dyke recently? You know, I have, actually, after the new Mary Poppins movie came out. But I also think that you should...

Don't have it together. You want Paul Schaefer, man. He's on a different show. Yeah, but... You mean Max Wine? Oh, you like Paul. You're a Paul man. I'm a Paul man.

Oh, Dave. That was one of my first... One of my first impressions ever was a Paul Schaefer impression. Oh, no. Oh, Dave, no. Aim for the stars, Jimmy. I know. To me, honestly, Dick Van Dyke would be a pretty big deal. Dick Van Dyke's very cool.

He's very cool, yeah. One of the most cool. And then I resume the letter. He's got a young wife, too. And by young, I mean, you know, 60, yeah. Mr. O'Brien, I don't expect this to be quite the same as the original show. Oh, I already read that one. I don't have a venue in mind, Mr. O'Brien, never having been to America before.

Do you know anybody who owns a television studio? My understanding is that Stephen Colbert is doing a television show. Do you think he would let us do a show in his studio, maybe early in the morning when he isn't using it? Or do they use his television studios early in the morning for the Today Show? I don't really understand the technical side and would be very grateful if you could source a venue. Worst case scenario, I'm staying at a hostel and we could record the show there if the other people in my room don't mind. Your fan, James Donald Forbes McCann, 171 likes.

Not that that's important, but it's pretty good for me. There was a section that I left out, Jack, about, you know, obviously it would be easier to just get on the Stephen Colbert show rather than starting your show up again, Mr O'Brien, but I'd rather be on a show with you. But I didn't want to be seen as being disrespectful to Stephen Colbert, a man that I genuinely have nothing against

other than I don't really care if I'm on his show or not. I just want to be on the show. I'm sure it would be a real thrill to be on Stephen Colbert's show. And we could probably have um surface level banter about all the things we don't disagree with about Catholicism can I just say as a as an aside I think one of the first things you ever said to me was how much you loved Conan O'Brien love him yeah and so I just want to say if you're listening Mr Conan O'Brien that James is a real fan not a fake fan it does read maybe like a fake fan.

There's not a lot about the Conan O'Brien show in there. I'd tell you, I mean, I've told you my favorite bit of Conan O'Brien. I found out he has a podcast as well. Really? Conan, yeah. Well, no, I knew he had a podcast. You should try and get on the podcast. Some people wrote to me and they said there's a segment on his podcast

where Conan O'Brien needs a fan and fans can write in to talk to him. What? No, I did submit in and this is what I wrote about. I wrote and I said, listen, hey, Mr. O'Brien, how's it going? Peace and love. Much respect. I didn't include all that, but I just want you to know that all that is true. There was a time on your show when there was a writer's strike.

Yeah. And the writers all left. And this was my favorite time that you had a show. So he didn't have a sidekick. It was just pure Conan. There was no Andy. It was him and the band all left and this was my favourite time that you had a show so he didn't have a sidekick it was just pure Conan there was no Andy it was him and the band yeah

and he would have to come out every night with no writers and just make sort of make during the day figure out what he was going to do for 10 minutes on national television

everybody had to do it Stuart had to do it Stephen Colbert I remember just one episode he just ate Chinese food for 4 minutes hilarious oh it was great

oh they all struggled you know and Jay Leno was still writing jokes, right? He was a great comedian. But Conan had a magical time. A couple of things he would do, he would go like, well, tonight everybody on the show, I've got a laser. Let's pretend it's a German disco for the next 30 seconds. And the laser would go off and the band would play and he'd go alright that's enough of that

that's what we're doing tonight and then the next night that week he'd come back and he'd go well German disco was pretty successful let's do it again not just do it again he'd go this afternoon I've gone out and I've bought a smoke machine so tonight we will have the laser and the smoke machine and then the next night

he comes back goes i gotta tell you people are coming up to me on the street they're pretty excited about the german disco segment so i've installed a zip line from the back of the audience to the front of the audience and we'll have the fog and the smoke and the lasers and i will yeah i'm going to zip line are you all ready to see that everybody and he would just like build it like one of them was he would take his ring off and i still do this to this day and he would spin his ring on his desk you do that all the time yeah it's because of this thing and he would time it and he would say like during rehearsals he used to time his ring spin and so america would tune in not all of America, obviously, but about 1% of America.

Yeah. Whatever the percentage was when people still watched television. To watch Conan O'Brien spin his ring for as long as he could on the desk while his assistant timed it. And the audience would... And the band started coming up with different things. And then he would come in the next night and he would spray the desk with Pledge to get it to spin faster.

He'd have to hold the desk up. And it was just... When the writers came back, I was disappointed. Because it's like you're getting in the way. Of the genius of Conor O'Brien just riffing, man. And such a weird negativity. Like a lot of these segments were him deadpan looking at the camera, deeply unhappy with doing what he's doing.

And this is also... I think Andy Richter's great, one of the best sidekicks in the show business. But for me, the show was never the same when Andy came back. Because the magic of the Conan O'Brien show, and I don't know if anyone else feels this way, was a man looking down the barrel of the camera, just projecting the most hateful, unusual energy.

I mean, look, the best thing Andy Richter ever did was the Arrested Development stuff. Oh, Andy Richter. Supremely funny. Jolly. And you can tell when he's on the show. And I know why he's on the show as well, apart from him being good.

Conan loved having him on the show. And they have a great energy together. Yeah, they do. But what I like more than anything is not when there's great energy. It's when this... There's no energy. This weird six-foot pasty redheaded man

is suffering on television. And you... And Mr. O'Brien, please. Please. Let's make the show happen. All right, we should probably move on to the next part of the podcast. It's going to be a long episode.

So I'm staying with someone in... I'm really excited to be staying with... I can't believe it, I wrote to somebody who I really respect their work but this person I have been a fan of for 10 plus years so I'm very excited for you, well this is the other thing a lot of people in Adelaide are a fan of this person

and have got me onto their work and then I'm going to America and I've written do you know where I'm going to stay and this person has gone, stay with me and the fact that everybody has copped that so well, right? I wouldn't deal with that. Listen. I'm jealous as all.

If I said to you a year ago, here's Conan O'Brien. I'm staying on his couch. And then you're like, I love this Conan O'Brien guy. I was so glad I introduced you. And then you told me, yeah, if you then told me, I'm going to stay with Conan O'Brien, I'd be like, I might have to choke it. I might have to choke my friend Jack out.

That ain't right. This wonderful man is having me come to stay. But he's given me a condition. What's the condition? The condition is he said, because I said I'm a comedian, he said, will you tell me three good jokes? All right, now you've got to tell them to me. Well, I'm going to tell them to everybody,

because I asked him if he... He hasn't written back to me after I've written this, but I said, look, do you know this joke? Do you know this joke? And I've given him the premises. But I'm going to tell them to you. These are my three favourite jokes. But first I'll tell you my favourite joke when I was a child.

Okay. Just for completion. And I used to go to my cousin's house, and just before we would go to sleep every night, I would tell him this joke. And he would humor me every time. That's very sad. Okay.

Two men are walking along the street. Yeah. One of them falls down a manhole. And the one who doesn't fall down the manhole says, is it dark down there? And the one down the manhole says, I don't know. I can't see a thing.

Pushing the microphone right up to jack now to get the terrible anyway that's not one of the top three but it is i i think there's a you know you could you could write a little treesies about why that was a good joke can i tell you my favorite joke before please please please so there's a grasshopper and he hops into a bar and he hops up into a bar still yeah and the bartender says we've got a drink then after you and the grasshopper says what Kevin that's fine

it's perfectly fine I love that joke Kevin you've done my delivery on the Kevin which is Steve Harvey's delivery there's no shame in that no I don't mind Kevin it's very similar you know, what do you call an Aboriginal pilot? His name?

Do you not know that one? No. I'll say that one differently. Hold on. What do you call an Aboriginal pilot? I don't know. His name? That's funny.

Yeah, sorry, you have to say it like that. I didn't know you didn't know that one. I'm sure there's, because the joke is, there's no hateful thing you can call. Yeah. But your joke is a similar version of that, but without the added spice of assumed racism. Well, I think it's the absurdity of a grasshopper having a name, which is...

Wacky. It's fun. I love it. But anyways, on to your... Well, you may... You're the comedian, James. No, please. You tell me the jokes.

All right, so have you heard... You can tell me if you have, because then I'll just... I'll truncate it. All right. But there's the octopus musical instrument joke. Don't know it, don't know it. There's the clown who insults a man joke.

Nah, don't know it. It's unbelievable I haven't told you that one. I've told everyone that for years. It's a longer one. And there's the paedophile in the woods. I think I have heard one. Let me start with paedophile in the woods, which is my favourite joke. And which I said to this man, listen, this one's unseemly.

Yeah, yeah. All right, a paedophile and a little boy are walking through the woods, which is my favorite joke, and which I said to this man, listen, this one's unseemly. Yeah, yeah. All right, a pedophile and a little boy are walking through the woods. Sure. And the little boy says to the pedophile, gee, mister, sure is dark and scary in these woods. And the pedophile says, you think it's scary? I have to walk back through here alone. It's an unbelievably, and I was thinking about it the other night,

why that's a funny joke, and you should never deconstruct a joke. Someone said it's like deconstructing a joke is like deconstructing a frog. It's not much interest to anybody and it kills the frog. Sure. But I think it's, you know, it's like in the book. Okay. Like obviously the boy is scared, right? But he's scared about something potentially happening when he should be scared.

He's scared of something that's not, that's not right to be scared about. Well, the worst possible thing is happening to the boy. And he's taking solace in that thing, which is a very poetic and sad, abusive thing. No, I think he's disordered his fear, right? He's afraid of the dark, scary woods. And that's the monsters inside the house. The monsters right there next to him but then the the thing that's liberating is not just like this pedophile is going to rape and kill a little boy right because you know from the second a pedophile little boy

walked through the woods that he's also scared of the woods the even the pedophile has disordered fear right like the pedophile is the monster yeah and, but then he blames and takes solace in the boy. Right? You don't have a problem. Right? I have the problem. So selfish is he. And so selfish is our fear.

Like that evil is finite. Right? I think we might be doing too much. All right. You think we're maybe going too far? I love that joke. All right. I'll say the clown joke because that's longer.

But the other one, which I like, is I remember, okay, an octopus walks into a bar and says, I can play any instrument that you got. Whatever you got, I can play. Right. Someone goes, well, there's a piano in the corner, Mr. Octopus. Octopus goes over the piano. I mean, just a stunning, he's got eight arms, right?

He's using two of them to sit down. But like, he's playing a piano trio. People go, wow, this octopus can really play. Someone says, well, I've got a guitar. Boy, oh boy, can that octopus play the guitar. People are really stunned. Someone says, well, hold on. What about this?

And they get out some bagpipes. And they go, can you play this, Mr. Octopus? And the octopus says, play it! As soon as I get its pyjamas off, I'm going to make love to it. And see, that joke is beautiful and deep because bagpipes look like an octopus with pyjamas on. Honestly, I thought my Kevin joke was better. No, it's very similar. There was one more joke, but upon listening back, it was so drunkenly and

poorly told that instead the joke will be told next week and here as the final glory of the podcast is a song by james's daughter it is called my name is Pat My name is Pat Ring, ring, ring, ring My name is Pat My name is Pat Pop, pop, pop, pop My name is Pants. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Pop! Pop! I'm the money piece.

Pop! And now, once again, just to really drive it home, here is my name is Pants in its entirety once again. I'm the money piece. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Slap, slap, slap. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! My name is Pants

My name is Pants Ring, ring, ring, ring My name is Pants My name is Pants Pop, pop, pop, pop My name is Pat. One. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop.

This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessi Cruikshank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend. I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is

smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com.