The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - ouroboros sampler

Episode Date: October 31, 2024

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I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out

now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Oh, a very special episode of the James Donald Forsbacan Catamaran Plan in D. For the sweet James Donald Forsbacan Catamaran Plan listeners today. Oh, we don't forget to have fun here on the James Donald Forsbacan Catamaran Plan. It's 3.42 a.m. I haven't been to sleep yet.

I did a gig yesterday, late in the evening, and then I stayed up late at the club, talking politics with all the wonderful people at the mothership. I mean, at one point in the green room, everybody had very strong political opinions, and everyone but me could vote, and no one, including me, would be be voting none of these people were voting no one's voting it's very weird as an Australian we are forced to vote but

here lots of people happy having an opinion but not actually voting I mean I understand saying voting doesn't change anything but what changes even less than that is not voting. You've got to get out there and vote, so long as you're voting for the candidate that I, James Donald Fools Buchanan, approve of. But I'm not going to be telling you who that is because this is not a political podcast.

This is a catamaran-buying podcast, and hopefully there's still an America left to become a comedy superstar in, such that I might use the money from becoming an American comedy superstar to buy a boat. Helped along by this podcast. Now, two huge things coming soon. I'm not going to tell you what they are.

This is a dirty little tease podcast. It's very late at night. I just had to have some sort of podcast come out this week. But I've been hard at work on so many things. And two of them will be coming out in this coming month. I'm happy to say that October was, by a country mile, the biggest month for downloads on the James Donald Fools We Can't Catamaran plan.

I think November's going to be even bigger. And we've got two huge skins. Three. Take it back. Even bigger. And we've got two huge schemes. Three. Take it back. Three, I believe, that will come out in November. And at least one more that will be coming out in December. We've got four big boat making, money making schemes.

Now is the right time to be on the James Donald Fools of Canterbury and Plain. And so I want to say thank you. I want to say thank you to people who are listening to this podcast episode in 2024. If you're listening to this podcast episode in 2025, you're too late. Sorry, not an early adopter. You're a part of the herd. But this 2024 was the year, is the year,

but was the year too. Hey, there's still time for me to screw it all up there's still time for the last two months of the year to watch it all crumble and crater away but thus far 2024 has been an incredible year for the james donald forbes mccann catamaran plan we got all these people on patreon we got all these shows booked in for next year we got we've been working so hard on all these plans which i'm not going to mention what they are. It's a beautiful secret. Two of them are coming out in the month of November. Three. That's right.

I'm sorry. It was three. Man, there was a lot of editing on that first part. It's now 3.56 a.m. It's 3.56 a.m. And tomorrow is Halloween. I'll be taking my children trick-or-treating for our first American Halloween. I spent so long complaining that everyone was getting ready for Halloween too early.

I kept saying, you keep saying that Halloween's right around the corner. It's a long way away. Well, Halloween's here. And I've prepared not at all. I put a cheap plastic skeleton up. I bought pumpkins. I didn't carve them. So tomorrow morning, we have some parts of costumes for the children. My son wants to be a ghost dinosaur. I saw a dragon mask. He was happy with that. It's a dragon mask. He wants to be a dinosaur. But what's the difference between a dragon and a dinosaur? Well, come on, nothing. It's one of the stranger things is that they say, oh, we've discovered the dinosaur. Look at this.

We've discovered the dinosaur. And you go, yeah, but, you know, every damn culture around the world had the dragon, and they looked the same pretty much. Some of them. Some of them are different sizes. Anyway, we've got him a dragon mask and I have to buy him a white robe, but I'm a little... That's the ghost component. Last year he wanted to be a ghost train. This year he wants to be a ghost dinosaur. I'm a little worried that if I get him a white cloak and a dragon face mask,

that will look like a cheeky joke costume where I'm saying he's like a grand dragon. There's a position in the clan with the white robe. No one will put that. No one but I will put that together, I'm sure. But it was a concern. And then my daughter wants to be a witch, and we're reading Harry Potter.

And it's a beautiful experience that we're enjoying together. And the baby, I guess he's going as a baby. He's 18 months. At some point I have to stop calling him the baby. But for the time being, baby he is. I have to carve the... We have to get up in the morning. We have to carve the pumpkins.

I have to go out and do a podcast with somebody else. I'm doing all these other people's podcasts and I'm having a wonderful time doing it. I feel like the bell of the ball. Nobody wanted to dance when I had a lot of time on my hands. Now I've got a lot of hands on my

time and everybody wants to be a friend of mine. That's an Andre 3000 lyric that no one seems to bother remembering. From the Idlewild album, an album that no one seems to bother remembering. Accompany me to the Idlewild movie, which lives in all of our hearts. Oh, mercy me. The election's coming up.

Halloween. It's incredible how close those two things are together i wonder if people lean more into halloween when they're more anxious about the election you know i'm worried about the future of the country let's pop another couple of skeletons out front of the house to how I feel inside my soul. The astute podcast listeners will notice that this is an audio-only episode. Congratulations once again. 4.06am. I listened back to what I'd done so far.

Some extra time passed. It's audio only. I spent a lot of time this week making... Well, I can take this down from the wall. Algorithmically refined visual content. I did my best to have a catchy thumbnail and a video that people would enjoy. And I did a big long video about Bentonville that I went to, about Walmart.

That's on the YouTube, which you can find. And it was... You know, it got 10,000 views in the first couple of days, that's so good, so many nice comments, people saying, please make more like this, and you know, if I was the sort of man who wanted to make videos that people enjoyed, and have a nice YouTube channel, and a sweet cult following that means ever so much to me, I would do another one. And maybe I will. But it's not what I am.

A man who wants a boat and 10,000 butters, no parsnips, 10,000 views, that's like $50. Hey, $50, nothing to sneeze at. We need $500,000. All right? I was hoping for a million views and a boat. 10,000 views is great, and I thank you for watching and sharing and all that, but clearly I need help making algorithmic...

Maybe I'm too tired. Maybe I'll finish this podcast in the morning. No! We persevere. We persevere and we get it bloody done. Algorithmically refined content. I think I need a little bit of help. I don't want to go full Mr. Beast.

No disrespect, Mr. Beast. The top YouTube guy, I think. Maybe there's someone else. I don't know. PewDiePie for a while. It might be Mr. Beast. I can't know. PewDiePie for a while. It might be MrBeast. I can't sit through a MrBeast video, start to finish anymore. Dare I say soulless.

Soulless. Successful. Oh, yeah. Oui, oui. Bon appétit. But for me, no. No. I hate his smile and the thumbnails. I know it's engineered to be like the perfect

clickable thing but he's always doing some bizarre face and pointing to something and then it's just you know hey we're gonna make somebody suffer for your entertainment well we've been doing that for thousands of years champ and frankly the suffering is not quite enough on its own i need suffering for a reason i need gladiators fighting for their freedom not guy who wants a car having an ant bite him or whatever it is that they're doing on the mr beast videos i do not want to make some i want a boat obviously yes i'd like to make something that i don't feel bad about putting out there i would really rather people weren't dumber by the end than when they started and again we've got this podcast with its echoes excuse me excuse me well for want of filling up a sufficient amount

of time for a podcast to have a podcast out because I'm a clockwork man and it must be done. And having nothing else to say, and it now being 4.11am, I will now read the first scene from a play that I'm working on called Ouroboros. I started writing this this week, and it's not like we don't have another little train going. Why honk your horn, Mr. Train? It's 4.12 a.m. Anyway, I'll start reading the play. It's an avant-garde play that no one will enjoy and will never be put on.

But it's been a splinter under my skin for a while, right in the skin of the brain. Here we go. There will be an intermission. This is the start of the play. There will be an intermission. This is the start of the play. There will be an intermission. Intermissions are good, and that is why this woman is telling you about it now. If she told you about intermissions in ten minutes, you'd stop listening to her, because you'd be looking forward to the intermission.

Another drink, a quick piss, talking about the show, overhearing strangers talking about the show, and finding out that their opinions aren't nearly as interesting as yours. The intermission is the best part of going to the theatre, for if the show is good, the anticipation is sweet, and if the show is bad, you can leave at the intermission, and that is even sweeter. The silent boo, the loudest boo of all. That is what the theatre is all about. It's not about living your truth. It's not about exploring the human condition. It's about a bear fighting

several dogs. And when the dogs die, they are replaced with fresh dogs. And when the bear dies, we have an intermission, after which a second bear will die, or we will run out of dogs, whichever comes first. Yes, there will be an intermission. If they skip the intermission, the director has failed me, and the woman talking. Is she beautiful? If she is less than beautiful, if men are still listening to the words, if women are not developing new or strengthening pre-existing eating disorders, then the director has failed me.

There is enough unpleasantness in the world already. If she's not beautiful, it's probably too late to replace her. But see what you can do, because an okay-looking woman talking and no intermission, that's not the theatre, that's her job. I want real candles on the stage with real fire. If the venue doesn't allow it, then the venue doesn't deserve the theatre. And I think it would be nice if the woman was wearing something that looks flammable. She doesn't necessarily have to catch fire. I leave that to the director's discretion.

There might not be room in the budget, but let's at least hint at a little bit of drama. Give people something to talk about in the intermission. If there are any misogynists present in the intermission. If there are any misogynists present in the audience, now would be a good time for you to relax. I can report that unless she is taking unadvisable liberties. The beautiful woman speaking did not write this play. Maybe she will write a play one day. Good luck to

her, and especially good luck to the members of the audience this play was written by me a man and now it is time for a second person to come onto the stage if they just have to walk onto the stage if that's all that can be managed so be it don't make a big song and dance about it but if the budget does allow it they should come onto the stage in an interesting way possibly lowered from the ceiling possibly through a trap door under the stage, possibly a zip line. I leave that to the director's discretion, along with the makeup and the costuming and picking up the hot woman. And then the other guy goes,

It is long past time to acknowledge your wretchedness and the mountain of corpses upon which you stand. And the woman goes, No. And the man goes, Shame! And the woman goes, You have no power over me. The man says, what says your conscience? The woman says, it is silent. The man says, liar.

The woman says, it is very quiet indeed. The man says, acknowledge your wretchedness. Acknowledge the corpses. The woman says, you hush the vibe, sir. You compromise this play. And the man says, I am the corpses. The woman says, you harsh the vibe, sir. You compromise this play. And the man says, I am the vibe. I am harsh. I am this play. Acknowledge me. And then the woman says, the other person exits, however they came in. And the man says, but they immediately re-enter in a new, even more interesting way. Anyway, that's all I've written so far of Ouroboros, a play I'm working on.

I thought it would be funny if there were no stage directions. The stage directions were all included in the script. The different characters only differentiated by bolding the text. And it's a play about a man who has written a play and gotten a woman to say all the lines because it's nicer to look at a woman, a young beautiful woman than a man. It's not the best play I've ever worked on

and if I was smart I would stop working on that play and start working on the three huge plans that have to happen this week so that they can come out this month, or I'm screwed at what big, beautiful plans they are. James, are the plans merchandise, an album that comes out on Spotify,

and a new book of poems released in time for people to buy for Christmas? Hey, hey, I would never be so crass as to confirm that, yes, those are the three ideas, and that will all be coming out very soon. I think it's time for a hymn. I heard my country calling Away across the sea sea across the waste of waters

she calls and calls to me her sword is girded at her side her helmet Affirmations, we're going to get the things done that we need to get done this week.

Yes, indeed. Affirmations, I love you. Affirmations, it's 4.23 a.m. for crying out loud. It's too early for me to be singing that sort of stuff, even though I felt it was right for the pod at this very important time. Oh, I got back in touch with someone who reached out. Someone reached out. I'd been talking about starting a board game or a card game for the podcast.

The James Earl Fools were going to get them around and plan, just get some, what if we had a great card game? And then i felt this is just a throwback for those who didn't follow along maybe the new listeners hey thank you for being a new listener really appreciate it i was thinking about starting a trading card game for a while there and then i decided that trading card games were immoral so and the reasons are well documented we don't have to go into them now but well documented reasons for thinking that trading card games games like your Yu-Gi-Ohs and the Magic the Gathering. And if you love them, I'm sorry, but you're buying into a dumb thing. But board games is a dumb thing to buy into that I think actually has a real world value to growing you as a human being.

And I'm more at peace with that. I said this on the podcast, and someone wrote to me, and yeah, they said, I'm a board game designer. I looked at their website, incredible website, and I got back in touch this week, and I said, hey,

yeah, you can make me a board game. I mean, they didn't just get in touch with me in terms of reaching out and brushing those sweet digital protrusions up against my flesh. They wrote to me and they said, would you like me to make a board game for you? And I've said, can we do that?

Let's do that. So I think we're doing that, and that's positive. So a board game, thumbs up, might be coming out. And that would be, I mean, so many players. What did we get rid of? Algorithmically something, something content? I've given up on that. We'll just make the thing we make.

Merch store? Maybe that's coming. Huge interview? I'm sorry. I don't have anyone huge for the podcast yet. Graphic novel? Underway. Maybe that's tied to the merch store.

Maybe the merch store is paying for the graphic novel. Who can say? Who can say? The special? It's coming out. Still working on the gear. Board game? Never better.

Book of poems? Coming so soon. Al album, the album was meant to be up, I finished the album, and I mastered, slash, compressed and turned into wave files, all the files that I had, and then I lost the Australian phone that was connected to the account, where I can upload the music, so then I couldn't do it. And that was very upsetting and silly. But I'm pretty sure that this week I'm going to find a way to get back into my account so that I can post the album. And then you'll have an album.

And what I think would maybe be a nice end to this podcast is playing you one of the songs on the album. Here you go. One of the songs on the album. Here we go. And before we go, and here we will go, I just want to say thank you for listening to the James Donald Fools We Can Catamaran Plan. I'm a big fan of you for being a big fan of me. And we've got all these listeners. And I know, yes, I'm compromising the listenership by having a very low effort 4.30am podcast episode

just rattled out so we can have at least something this week and that's not an intelligent move and i regret doing it so i am sorry and i love you okay big good episode that don't you worry about it in the next couple days you're getting a big good episode oh how big jim? How good? Pretty big, ladies and gentlemen. Pretty good. Here's a song. Bye. Thank you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Thank you. I'm out. Thanks for watching! I love you. I'm Jesse Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show.

I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts.