The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Please, supermodels!

Episode Date: August 6, 2023

Join the Patreon and you'll be getting the audiobook of the new book of poems: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccannNew song Flying on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/7a1zrSJsIV45cj3aH243tR?si=5bf1f558b2e14cb1 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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CBC News. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show.

I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Bedded, bedded, bedded.

You know, I spend a lot of time in bed at the moment, on my sick bed. I'm feeling a lot better. I'm convalescing. Hello, this is James Donald Forbes McCann with the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. The chest infection, I think we got on top of it. We finished the antibiotics. The gut flora starting to find an equilibrium, if you know what I'm saying. Poops are solid once more. Thank goodness for that.

But I'm on my sickbed. I'm on the Instagram. Everybody has their stories. And I just have all these comedians with their stories. And they're all in Edinburgh. Oh, so many friends in Edinburgh. And they're having a wonderful time performing to 50, 40, 30, 20 people. One man. There's this one, there's this one lady who blew up on Twitter because she was crying and she said, I did my one woman show to only one person tonight in Edinburgh. And all these big comedians came out and said, oh, honey, that's what Edinburgh is.

Good luck. And then people have dug through her Twitter. She did the same show at Edinburgh last year and she did a whole thing again about crying last year, because only her parents were in the crowd. And you think, alright, lady, maybe show business, not for you. Of course, we've all performed many times to nobody. Well, never to nobody. I mean, if the tech is there i'll use this show but there

are a lot of nasty arts festivals where they take your money and if you can't get through that without crying and telling somebody about it even crying and telling somebody about it as a promo technique like how sick is that that that's your technique for trying to get people to come and watch your show? Hello, everybody. I'm a big failure. And the thing is about my shows is no one wants to see them again. Does that make you feel better about buying a ticket? Excuse me. In my sick state as I recover, I've developed a disgust for weakness.

I just want everything to be muscular and strong and dominant and powerful. Being weak and sick, it has done nothing to help me. Gee, I'm fat. Can I tell you this too? I went to mass this morning. People haven't seen me in a while because I was away and then I was sick

and I was back at mass today. And at mass and reduced in mass, I'm so fat that I get pneumonia or a pneumonia like illness and people say James you're looking good because I'm not eating very much at the moment so I think I've lost some weight we don't own a scale never felt so bad but people go like James you look healthy you go well good to know that that's how fat i am or was as the case may be what i was trying to say i watch these people in edinburgh the ones having a good time most of my friends are having a good time they're not having a financially lucrative time they're all

going to lose money even the ones who sell out every night but i go through my Instagram stories and they're there in sunny Edinburgh surrounded by the Scots everyone's favorite race and and they're gigging to you know however many people and they're having a fine time and they're probably going and doing some of that fine British cocaine after a show and I'm sure they're doing haggis for the first time as well. And they're putting on a little kilt and they're watching the Royal Tattoo and they're developing their show. And I say, great. And by the way, you know, go support him. Go support him. If you go see Dan Rosario, Eve Ellenbogen, Amos Gill, Daniel Muggleton, many people I'm forgetting, I'm sure. Those are people whose stories come up all the time. So many others as well.

All these stories of people having a great time in Edinburgh. But every time I see the story from my sickbed, I think, that's all well and good, that you're at the festival, meeting people, in the sun, smiling. But have any of you spent the last week putting the finishing touches on the greatest book of poems that anyone's ever written? No, I didn't think so. I didn't think that you had, but I have. So I may not be there with a healthy body,

amusing myself at a broken little trade show, but I'll tell you what i do have i've got my monkey and i have something to hide the finest book of poems that i have ever written usually when someone says it's the finest book of poems they've ever written you can say well that's a low bar but for me it's quite a high bar mar Marlon Brando 9-11, beautiful poems that everybody will love. Huge seller. 79. 70. 79 copies.

Wow. Hold on. We'll get through that. Almost 80 copies. Just shy of 100. If you wind up in a certain denomination. Is that the word for it? It's like 1,000.

Just about 100. Almost 100. 79. 79 copies sold of my first book of poems, Marlon Brando 9-11. It came out last year on what is for we in Australia 11-9, the

11th of September, but for you in the States 9-11, and it sold better than expected. But this new book of poems, My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide, I was re-reading it yesterday. I think it's even better! I think it might be the best book of poems, My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide, I was rereading it yesterday. I think it's even better. I think it might be the best book of poems anyone's ever written.

I haven't read that much poetry. Certainly I haven't read that many books of poetry. One poem at a time. Does rap music count as poetry? I have like one poem at a time I read usually of people. I won't go through their whole book. Like one poem at a time I'll read usually of people. I won't go through their whole book.

You know, I figure it's like an album where usually just a couple, you know, we just want the hits. But this, this is a Sgt. Pepper's. This is quality all the way through. You know what? It's like if Sgt. Pepper's didn't have that one George Harrison song, Within You and Without You, which I think really is a bit of a downer on track one side B. No, this is all hit. This is more like Revolver, I think. This is a real good.

This is like, this is the Beatles, the White Album. It's A, B, C, D, all good, all the way through. Even that one, I think it had revolution number nine which maybe that was interesting at the time certainly was this good anecdote you put that on when you're 10 and you go why is she saying that over and over again but this really is i think this really is a very fine book of poems and i look forward to all the beautiful things that will come with having this book of poems out. I imagine that some of these poems will be studied in schools and that little school children will be taught to memorize some of the poems from My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide. I expect that there will be many offers

to bang supermodels and I'll have to say please, supermodels, I'm a happily married man. And I've found that one of the things that bolsters marital happiness is not banging a supermodel. So you'll have to go, and they'll be depressed for years. And they'll become monstrously fat with their comfort eating.

And then they won't be supermodels. Well, then, in this political climate, they'll be even better supermodels, and they can replace Izzo's backup dancers. Is it Izzo or Lizzo? I don't know. I don't follow the culture anymore. All I follow is the progress of my new book, My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide,

and my health, and my trying to buy a boat, and this move to America. Boy, there's a lot to do before we... I don't know when we're coming back. So we have to put a bunch of stuff in storage or get rid of it. Or give it to friends. And so I'm starting to go through my clothes. And it's also hard to...

How thin am I going to be? It's like my mother always used to ask when I would go back for a second bowl of ice cream She would say, James, how fat would you like to be? Actually about now, I feel pretty good with the amount of fat that I am now But I'm just coming off an illness So am I going to be this skinny soon? Should I get rid of the clothes, you know, that are now quite baggy? Or should I have them as a contingency plan?

Or should I back myself into a corner and go, if I gain that weight back, I've got nothing to wear. It's an exciting time for me and my family. My wife is very excited to go on an adventure. She's never been to America. She can't wait. I am, of course, livid that we will have to be going to America via plane.

Unless this book of poems sells fast I might After the last book of poems sold 79 copies Which by the way, thank you to the 79 people I didn't spend any money on advertising That was just all people who listened to the podcast There's a very high percentage of podcast listeners and I really appreciate it. And some of you probably gave it away as gifts to people. I don't know, but it was, I feel blessed. When I say, oh, it's just 79 copies, I probably sound, I don't know, macabre or something, but I'm really touched that 79 people bought the book. And I think this time,

really, we might sell even more. If we sold a double, you know, if we sold, let's say, if we sold 150 copies, that wouldn't be enough to buy a book. It wouldn't be enough to buy a book. I make about, I think I make about $7 per book, which is much more than you'd get in a normal publishing deal. In a normal publishing deal, they'd pay you an advance of like 10 grand and then, you know, $2 would come off that for every book sold. And the reason that I have decided not to go that model for publishing my book of poems is no one has offered. of poems is no one has offered and no one has offered and the people I do send the poems to are invariably rejected. Phone a Friend, I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me

achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com. for you and for Canadians. The situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. Except Agony magazine has accepted two, and that's very nice. But I know the editor and go to his house

all the time. Oh, oh, I meant to say this. On the last episode, I mentioned that I had been audio booking Keep the Aspidistra Flying. Keep the Aspidistra Flying by George Orwell, and I said it was like, it was a very down book because it appeared at that point to be hurtling along in a downward trajectory, much like Animal Farm in 1984. But it's not! It actually has, from my point of view, a hugely positive ending.

I seriously recommend Keep the Aspidistra Flying. If you're looking for... I mean, gee, the first... Not going to lie, the first six sevenths? Brutal! The last seventh, you go, oh, thank goodness, because I think I was going to jump in front of a train. This was so upsetting. It's a really great read.

Keep the Aspidistra Flying. Loved it. Can't say enough nice things about it. It's so bleak until the end and it doesn't feel like a forced hammy ending. I'm sure some people think it is a hammy forced ending or that it's secretly a very sad ending. And I've noticed that I sometimes find a more uniformly positive read on a novel than other people. I remember I read earlier this year, I read, what's it called? I read, ah, it was F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender is the Night. And I thought that had a very positive ending because there's a guy who gets to ride around

on a bicycle in upstate New York for the rest of his life and not have too many cares or worries. And my neighbor read it at the same time. She said, James, his life is destroyed. And I thought, oh, it'd be nice to ride around on a bicycle. Maybe I've already spoken about that. I don't read that many novels. I certainly don't read that many books of poems,

but I'm on to a good one. James Donald Forbes McCann, My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide. It's out soon. I'm going to start uploading it this week. I have to proofread it. I have to, I It's out soon. I'm going to start uploading it this week. I have to proofread it. I have to, I've finished my introduction. I think it's going to be a real exciting time for everybody. Not least of all the people who have the book,

but also a very exciting time for people around me. You know, friends and family who for years have said, James, would you please enter the modeling business? It's ripe for you. Fat gingers are everywhere. If you could have broken legs, you could be a supermodel. I don't know. It's just a worship of ugliness in our society at the moment. Maybe I'm still not very well. Ah! You know what I mean? I feel like for years people go,

get your law degree, Jimmy. Get it! What are you going to do? You're going to make your money off your poems? And now once again, confidently, I say, yeah, I am. Two books of poems in two years. Actually, actually,

it's two books of poems in one year because it's coming out slightly before when the other one did come out. So I'm going to finish that. That's going to be on its way to you if you order it soon. Everyone's plates should have arrived by now. We've got the plates done. Oh, poor Margot is leaving Australia. She's going to America, and she's actually going to live in America

not far from where my family will be living in America, so that will be very nice. I say not far, six-hour drive, but that doesn't seem very far by Australian standards. It's, yeah, I'm not really, I haven't synthesized the fact that a proper America trip is coming up of indeterminate length. Like, we're going to figure it out. We're going to figure out how it goes. At the moment, I add up what keeps me in Australia, and it's I love the Latin mass community here.

It's so good. I love my priest. He's a wonderful man, and I love spending time with him. And I love my friends. I love my priest. He's a wonderful man. And I love spending time with him. And I love my friends. I love my friends here. That keeps me here. I love the crows. I love the weather, like nine months of the year.

I like the Adelaide fringe. I love my family. I don't necessarily feel the need to see all of my family all of the time and people could have the fun of coming and visiting us i don't know how long we'd be there i don't know how long we would be in america we're figuring it out might be as short as a couple of months the visa's three years so legally we could stay but uh i think we would want to come back. I've got a film to make. I mean, here's another thing.

A big thing that keeps me here is Sam Clark, who's actually to be married soon, and first mate Sam Clark, who has just sent me some footage this week of a dolly that he made out of a bicycle. It's so good. But he's so creatively potent. I don't know anyone who can do what he can do. It feels like a gift. It was like a calling to get to work with Sam and he's a wonderful company.

We just talk and talk. I mean, I love Sam. Oh, I love knowing where the good places are to eat. Oh, I love knowing where the good places are to eat. You know, I like going to the Sunshine Snack Bar, the finest Vietnamese food I've ever had. Maybe they have food that's just as good in Vietnam, but I doubt it. I doubt it. I love going to the Central Market. I love having, of course, the Lucia's number one. Although on Friday, I think I had a... I think I had a... Was it salmon? I had like a number four. I had a meat-free one, just with fish.

That was pretty good too. But I'm also enjoying the falafel place down there. I love Cooper's. I love Australian beer. Rundle Street, the Exeter. You know, I got to have lunch with my friend Samuel McDonough last week, who's a crim lawyer. One of the most interesting people in the world.

And I like living where he lives. There are so many things I love about Adelaide. Not Australia. You know, I love my country. But boy, there's some things I don't love about living in Australia. They're bringing in the cashless thing. Australia's going to go cashless. No one voted for that.

They're just taking cash away. In an enormous FU to tradesmen. They're just going to get rid of cash. How am I meant to get a cheap washing machine? Then lie about it. That's what I'd like to know. They're getting rid of cash. I mean, of course they want to do it, but they're actually going to about it. That's what I'd like to know. They're getting rid of cash. I mean, of course they want to do it, but they're actually going to do it. And no one can fight

back. You just do what they tell you in this country. You vote every, what is it, four years for the state, three years for the federal. The things you want to change, the things you vote on never change. And the things you don't vote on, they just do it to you. Yes. And I'm sure that's going to be the same anywhere, but it sticks in the craw when it's your own country. It's too expensive to live in Australia. You need $600,000 to buy a house. It's one of the things that I thought was funny about doing a podcast about trying to boat. People go, that's so extravagant. You should probably try and buy a house. And you go, why? That's more extravagant. The safe financial option is big boat. I do believe because boats can move from country to country. So there's an international price for boats. That's some bizarre...

Oh, it's bizarre how much homes cost in this country. I feel lost. Excuse me, maybe I only feel lost because I'm sick. I don't like our medical system either. Man, it was hard. I just had to go to a family friend who was a doctor to get heard. I went to three medical centers, and not one doctor would listen to me or help me. And I just got worse and worse.

One of them, my ear was full of wax. I asked him to suck the wax out, and the guy was like, I don't see any wax. And I was on a plane a couple days later, and I had an earpiece in, like a thing that's meant to protect your ear. And, like, not to listen to music, but to protect the ear against further damage after I perforated it. I pulled that out. The amount of wax that came out of the ear was insane. I won't go into too much detail. It was rough, man.

It was like a whole pot of peas. Life! It's very short. I also wrote a song this week, and I put it on Spotify! It's very short. I also wrote a song this week and I put it on Spotify. It's called Flying and it has a picture of an asperdistra because I wrote it after listening to Keep the Asperdistra

Flying. So if you type in James Donald Forbes McCandish Spotify there's a new song that sounds a lot like this. And you know, that sort of thing. Hey, thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. I'm fast approaching the end of the one thing that I'm able to do today. I can feel myself fading. Thank you to everybody who wrote to me and asked how I was doing or wished me well.

I really appreciate that. I mean to respond to more of you. Thank you to everybody. Oh, I just thank you to everybody, you know? Not just people who are listening now. If you're listening to this on public transport, I'm thanking you, but I'm thanking everybody. This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel.

I'm Jessie Crookshank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend. I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge,

and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessi Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle.

I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a node. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jessi Crukschank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Anybody else on that bus who doesn't even know about this podcast or my quest for boat ownership,

that's the sort of gratuitousness of love that I feel in this moment before I go and lie down in bed. God bless you. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I need you. Catamaran ho. Goodbye.