The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - PLEDGE

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

Join the sailing club to contribute financially to James Donald Forbes McCann's journey to boat ownership: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccannBuy the several books written by James Donald Forbes McCann: https://www.jdfmccann.com/books Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out

now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Hello and welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. It's a joy to have you here on the podcast where I, James Donald Forbes McCann, am trying to raise enough money to buy a boat with this podcast. And boy, boy, oh boy, wowee, it's going pretty well. Six months ago when I was in Australia, at the end of the week,

I'd look up how many downloads there were for this podcast. 500 was a good week when that first episode came out. You know, we'd get like maybe 1,000 on average because maybe people would go back and listen to another episode as well just to treat themselves. But a new episode in the first week of coming out, we'd get about 500 downloads. Since I came to America over the last couple months, it doubled. And I don't mind telling you that over the last month, it doubled again. That's right. We're up to 2,000 downloads on average

for the last few episodes the week they come out. I mean, that's just incredible stuff. Incredible stuff, and indeed, I think what's going to happen this week is maybe more incredible. This week, with my new plan, I think we're going to double the listenership again. And now, are you listening closely, listener? You're a very important part of this.

Listener, please. Something very exciting is about to happen. I had a, I won't say a vision, but the voices in my head last night got up to an incredibly loud volume. And the word they were saying was pledge. Pledge. Pledge. Pledge. Pledge.

Pledge. It's time for the pledge. Pledge. Pledge. Pledge. Pledge. Pledge. It's time for the pledge. Dear listener, you're listening to this now. I don't know where you are. I don't know if you're in your car, if you're in a cubicle, if you're working out at the gym. Maybe you're at home. Maybe you're on a bicycle. Wherever you are.

Maybe you're a library. Maybe you're at a sex club. Listener, no matter where you are. I mean, honestly, we've got listeners from right around the world. Guadalupe, Uzbekistan, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Puerto Rico, Mozambique, Israel, Greece, Georgia, Chile, Cambodia, Argentina. I mean,

admittedly, those are the countries where we only have one listener apiece. But we've still got people there. And we've got so many more people in Croatia, Nepal, Paraguay, Peru, Thailand. No time to go through all of them listener are you listening let's begin the pledge pledge all right the way pledges work is this i say something and then you repeat after me uh and really say it don't say it in your head unless you have a severe mouth disease i want us all to say this out loud together. Obviously not all at the same time.

It's not coming out live. We're all at various points. We're all having this through time at different times. But we are united in a sort of, dare I say, mystical time by the pledge. So I pledge. Now, come on now, you've really got to say it. I pledge. I pledge. To come on now You've really got to say it I pledge I pledge

To do my best To do my best To help James Donald Forbes McCann To help James Donald Forbes McCann Buy a boat Buy a boat And I pledge And I pledge

That today That today Or Or If it's very late when I'm listening to this If it's very late when I'm listening to this, tomorrow, but sometime in the near future, I will tell one person

at least who has not heard about the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan who has not heard about the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan about the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan and encourage them to listen to the podcast. Now, often in a pledge, they'll end up with something like, so help me God. But since it's not something for greater charity or dignity or salvation, you don't have to swear on God.

But I would just like it if you would, as a listener, make the pledge. And maybe we could end the pledge by saying, thank you. Oh, no, we probably should say catamaran ho. Catamaran ho. All right, let's say the end of the pledge again. And encourage them to listen to the podcast. Catamaran ho. Oh, how good does that feel?

Feels so good. How good does that feel to have made that pledge to double the size of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan in just one week? Maybe you're thinking now of who you're going to share the news of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan with. Maybe your daddy, your mummy, your grandpappy, your brother, your sister, your niece or your nephew. Because someone who's not a blood relative, knows? That's okay too Could be that friend at work Could be someone at work you don't get along with But you've been trying to find some way to reach out and connect with them Build a bridge

Could be a bum on the street It's a difficult issue Head on into the Starbucks Who's that behind the counter? Who's that? Why it's a man wearing a full face of makeup Once again As they all seem to do at Starbucks

You know what you're going to do? Tell him about the James Donald Forsbuck catamaran plan. Go out, do the important work of sharing the plan in the community. You can share it multiple times if you like. You can tell five, six, seven people, but the

pledge binds you to one. One person this week, today, now, maybe tomorrow. Again, if it's late, tomorrow. But get out there, find one person to tell about the plan. Get them to listen to the catamaran plan. And then, you know, I mean, worst case scenario, if everyone follows out the plan, the next episode's going to double.

But what if all those people, they go and tell somebody? Why, then it's going to quadruple, I think triple. I thought it was going to quadruple, but it would only triple at that point. And then it would quadruple. Then pentuple, sextuple, septuple, octuple, nuntuple, dectuple, eleventuple. Twelve times. So, excuse me, I'm suffering with a burp. I've been drinking a lot of canned margaritas while recording this podcast thus far.

It's only been six minutes, but I'm on to canned margarita number three. There's been quite a lot of editing. Ah, yes. That one was not editing. That was real canned margarita. So that's the pledge. Now, I get location data. I get location data about this podcast. So I'll be able to tell if you've actually's the pledge. Now I get location data. I get location data about this podcast. So

I'll be able to tell if you've actually done the pledge and I'll be able to tell who is doing the pledge most successfully. So for example, I'll tell you right now, I mean, look at all this. Honolulu, we've got three listeners. If you're in Honolulu, if you're one of our three Honolulu listeners, hello to you, Honolulu. That'll come up to six. You know? I mean, I'm just looking through the... Las Vegas, four listeners. These are not our biggest cities. We should have... I mean, what's a big one?

Philadelphia, 42 listeners. That should be 84. If it's not 84 next week, I'll know the city of brotherly love is failing to extend brotherly love for the James Donald Forbes, McCann, Catamaran plan. Go out and tell a brother.

Philadelphia, let's get some black listeners up in here. Minneapolis, 27 listeners. That should crack 50. Do you know what I'm saying? Go out and tell somebody about it. Germany, 13 listeners. Four of them are in Berlin. I'm just going to do it on percentage.

We're going to, I'm going to take a, I'm going to look at how many we get for the last episode. And then we'll see who's had the greatest percentage increase. Who has had the largest fidelity to the, what's it called? What's it called? Pledge! That's right. New Zealand, 29 listeners. I mean, that's so much better than it used to be, but could it get to near 60?

Canada, 146. Let's get to 300. My sweet Australia. My homeland, 600, almost 600 listeners in Australia. Can we at least crack a thousand? Must the prophet be unrecognized in his hometown? Australians, get out there. This is the time. We're already booming. We're the strong horse, as Osama bin Laden used to say. We're so powerful, this podcast.

We're growing at such a rate. And we're going to condense that rate this week with our pledge. But, you know, it's not just a... If the podcast was only me shouting about pledges, that wouldn't be an easy podcast to have people listen to. So I'm going to stop talking about the pledge. And I'm going to start talking about you, the sweet listeners of this podcast, who have asked for advice this week.

People have sent in advice. I put up an Instagram story asking if people want advice, and they did. So now I will begin the advice section of the podcast. Dan asks, travel advice when visiting Australia? Brackets, Catholic edition. I recommend going to Adelaide and visiting the Church of the Holy Name. It's a beautiful community, some wonderful priests, and the worst architecture you will ever have seen in your life.

But when you get there, ask around for Jack Blanche. He'd love to talk to you. Would it be counterproductive to do stand-up? Asks That Is Rich. Would it be counterproductive to do stand-up in Australia versus New York City as an up-and-coming comic? Ah, where to begin? New York City or an up-and-coming comic? Ah, where to begin? New York

City or Australia? Definitely Australia. Listen, it's going to suck either way, starting out in a scene. You're going to suck real bad when you're starting out in stand-up comedy. So I recommend hiding those suck years away under a bushel if you can. Don't spend too long there. Get to New York City in due time. But turn up in New York City as a killer, where every time they see you, they'll give you the respect. Someone else asks, how do I deal with OCD? I wouldn't know. I don't deal with the OCD. I just do what it tells me to do and I'm fine. Someone asks that I recite the hook of Trick Daddy's hit single, I'm a Thug. I'm hoping that it's, I'm a thug. I don't know that song. I'm unfamiliar with Trick Daddy and his work, but I wish him the best. Jack wants to know how to tell your father he's going to be a grandpa when your mother just recently passed away. Jack, I'm so sorry. That

sounds absolutely terrible. That must have been a difficult time for your family, but also such a beautiful time for your family coming up as well. Jack, go to your father, be with him in person, look him in the eye and tell him the good news. Man, that song was pretty good for giving advice. We might start that up again. Holden asks, how does having an ear piercing as a man affect your life? I'm considering this for myself, Holden asks, how does having an ear piercing as a man affect your life? I'm considering this for myself, Holden. I do not have an ear piercing, and I never would. I did a couple of stand-up gigs with a clip-on earring,

and I would recommend you experiment with that going any further forward. I don't think I'm masculine enough to get away with the cool earring, the Will Shakespeare earring, the edgy surfer dude earring. Whenever I have an earring, I look like a poofter, so I don't have it. How often should I go to confession, asks young Mr. Jazz. Is it a bad thing that I'm taking the Eucharist without? Yeah, stop taking the Eucharist. I mean, that's just very simple catechism. Do stop taking the... I mean, you've got to look in your soul. Are you in a state of mortal sin?

If so, do not take the Eucharist. Go to confession. I would love to say you should go every week or every fortnight, but I don't. I don't. And I've got to. I'm in Hong Kong, traveling to Taiwan in June, asks Coombes. But I'm worried that World War III will have broken out by then. Do I go?

Yeah! Joking? You don't want to be there for World War III? Sure, you might die, but you'll be a part of history. You'll break out onto a little piece of history. Yeah, I'd go. I would absolutely go. Carson asks,

how to handle long distance relationships? Carson, I've been in a few. I was in one. My answer is to end the long distance part of it as swiftly as possible. It's unnatural. It's no good. Next question is,

how do I avoid drinking and cocaine when I go out? Hell, how do I avoid it at home also? Almost no one offers me cocaine because I have a reputation as a straight up and down dude. Avoiding drinking when you go out is not easy. Avoiding cocaine when you're out, you just have to not hang out with cocaine people i understand from friends of mine who are coconists that it's frankly very difficult not to do cocaine once you've started doing cocaine so you might have to hang out with different people for cocaine and you might have to hang out with different people for drinking too if you um can't do both but then again you've also said how to avoid it at home. Buddy, I won't say your name, but buddy, it sounds like this is a deeper problem

than just who you're hanging out with. I would look into yourself and see what's making you unhappy. It's always a good first step. I mean, sadly, often then you go, well, I can't change this thing that's making me unhappy. That's a very important part of what's keeping me alive. It's my job. It's my this.

It's my that. It's my, you know, my this. It's my that. It's my, you know, blood relatives. It's whatever. So I have no answer except to give another little bit of Catholic advice. Go to confession!

Seems to work for me when I do it, which I'm not doing at the moment because I am proud and sad. But I meant to go this week and we did get off to Mass this morning. Went to a beautiful Mass in Austin. And we'll be...

I will take my family to confession this week. Of course, only my wife and I will be going. But it's my intention to do it. Man, let's have that song again. This guy asks, how do I fit my car on the O-Bahn? Answer, buy a bus. This guy asks, hey James, I go for the ruse and they make me want to kill myself. Advice for having a team? I'm going to be serious with this

one and say no football team is ever worth killing yourself over. That said, I've never gone for a team that's been as bad for as long as North Melbourne. So there's a little rich coming from me, but you can't change your team. You can never change it. Isn't it sad? You can never change your team. Thankfully, the AFL may change that team for you by folding it or moving it to Tasmania, at which point I absolve you of having to go. I think if your team moves to a different place, you don't have to go for the many.

You know, a lot of Fitzroy people didn't have to keep being Brisbane people. You can. Excuse me. Okay. Someone asks, Methodist church doctrine change, allowing LGBT plus to be deacons and bishops thoughts. I mean, I don't even know if that would count as one of their five biggest heresies. I'm not sure if you know very much about the Catholic church, but we've had absolutely no difficulty in allowing homosexuals to become bishops and deacons.

Oh, the song stopped. Hold on. Can I come in a toaster? That's probably up to you. I don't know that I could get myself where I needed to be. I think I'd feel too much shame at the moment. Now, should you come in a toaster? No. Next one. I've had troubles maneuvering in close quarters with strong winds on my 28 Molokai power. That sounds like a sailing question. I'm sorry.

I don't know anything about that. Next question. How might I formulate my own plan for my own catamaran? Stay off of my territory! Next one. What are your favorite poets to pull inspiration from? How did you start reading and writing poetry? I love Walt Whitman.

I love Rossetti. Don't mind a little bit of Shakespeare. Why, who's that over there? Is that Robert Frost? Yeah, he's a great poet. But, yeah, look, genuinely, don't read a lot of poetry. Not a big poetry guy. Don't like reading other people's poetry. Almost never read poetry for pleasure.

More into, again, the writing of poems than the reading of poems. I think the writing of poems. That's more my thing. Maybe your thing is the reading. I'm more about the writing. Let's have a different song. Ah, yes. Lovely.

Maddy asks, I'm spiralling into a cynical depression that only ends darkly for me. What now? Ooh, Maddy! Ooh! Maddy, I think for legal reasons

I've got to tell you to call a suicide hotline. I don't know what number that would be that you would have to call. I don't know what country you live in, but you might want to call a suicide hotline. I can address the cynicism part of the question. It seems like the question is mostly about cynicism and how not to be cynical. I'll bring the song back for this bit. Cynicism is terrible. I'm rereading Catcher in the Rye i haven't read it in years and when i first

read it i thought you know ah this guy seeing through the phonies good for him and now i'm rereading it it's holden caulfield is a he's a moron uh and he's also to have that attitude in america especially is poison this is a country that runs on goodwill, open eyes, warm heart, all that sort of stuff. If you just run around calling people phony, you're going to have a terrible time. I was very cynical. I was a very cynical young man. And indeed, you know, in England, Australia,

most parts of the world, cynicism is a default. America is maybe the least cynical country that I've ever been to. I've only been to English-speaking countries, but it's a deeply uncynical country. Certainly New Zealand is hugely cynical. And check out their suicide statistics. Not good.

Here's the secret, I think, to not being cynical, is you've actually got to know what's going to make you happy. And you've got to know what's good. And you've got to believe in it. And you've got to see it in good, and you've got to believe in it, and you've got to see it in other people, and other things in the world. And it's very hard to know what's going to make you happy. Oh, nothing's going to make me happy.

Nothing is true. Nothing is good. That's silly. Lots of things are true. Lots of things are going to make you happy. Lots of things are beautiful. It could be as simple as a beautiful sandwich, or a, dare I say,

a Cayman Jack margarita in a can, or a, dare I say, a Cayman Jack, margarita in a can, or four, find out what's going to make you happy. If that's a person, find that person. Don't be who other people tell you to be, be yourself. And don't be yourself in the sense of being a low-base, bad version. I'm being myself. I'm smoking a marijuana cigarette and playing a video game. Be the best you that you know you can be deep down. And I would say that took prayer at the very least, a lot of reflection, a lot of deep, profound thinking. I wish you luck. Hang in there.

Somebody out there loves you. Probably. I don you luck. Hang in there. Somebody out there loves you. Probably. I don't know. Man, this advice is not as good after we've had the margaritas. I understand now if you want to back out of the pledge and not recommend this episode. But you pledged. I got you.

You have to. Let's have a little more advice i need advice on how to get thicker longer erections that produce more sperm just try and be more of a man try and look into your heart and become more of a man i think as i've grown older my t scores have gone up through no behavioral or dietary changes, exclusively through becoming more of a man. Next one, should one use their house deposit to instead quit their job and play guitar 10 hours a day? That really does depend. I'm sorry, Barry.

That's going to depend on whether or not you're good at guitar. It's not a good time to be a guitar playing musician. The last guitar band that had a big song was, I think, the Black Keys. That was over 10 years ago, and they just had to cancel their tour of North America. Not a good time financially to become a guitar playing person. But if you love it, who am I to tell you to stop? How best to discipline children? Wish I knew. Joe, wish I knew. How does one create time to feel inspired and create while working a laborious job?

Drew, I'm going to be honest with you. I've never worked a proper laborious job in my life. It's been a lot of sit-down work. And so if you actually have a job that uses the arms and the body, you might want to reach out to Luke Heggy, who I think, by recollection, was simultaneously the best comedian in Australia and a bricklayer. This guy asks, I'm dating a girl who's very attractive and has a great personality,

but she has a very, and then it cuts out and they forgot to send the rest of it. So all I can say to you is congratulations. Micah wants to know, how do you maintain a stable environment for your family? Very funny, Micah. And next one, how to regain someone's trust after breaking it. You may not be able to do it. You may not be able to do it. It's going to take a long time and it's on them. So good luck, but you may not be able to do it. You may not be able to do it. It's going to take a long time and it's on them.

So good luck, but you may not be able to do it. Should I convert to Catholicism? Yes. My grandma broke her hip, had a heart attack and a stroke. How do I cope with it? I mean, more to the point, how does your grandma cope with it? That sounds bad for grandma. I'm so sorry that that happened to your grandma. I'm so sorry that happened to you and your grandma cope with it? That sounds bad for grandma. I'm so sorry that that happened to your grandma.

I'm so sorry that happened to you and your grandma. But you just... I mean, one way to cope with it would be by not being very close to your grandma. But it sounds like you're probably very close to your grandma if that's a problem. Life, man. We get old, we fall over, we have strokes, and our body falls apart. I'm sorry. It's difficult.

Keep yourself strong. That's a good way to cope with it. Pray for her. How do you feel about raising a family in the USA? It's got to affect the identity and the mantra, asks somebody. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like I'd like my children long-term to be raised in Australia. I couldn't live with myself if they grew up with these American accents. How do you balance a dark

sense of humor? Asks this person. A dark sense of humor. Being a free speech absolution. I think you mean absolutist. And being a devout Catholic. Well, you know, Riccordelli, I don't balance them. Just be who you are and you don't have to worry about juggling anything. Just look inside and see what's there. Woo! Gee, there's so many people asking for advice. How to best prepare for the coming riots preceding the u.s 2024 election

ah i reckon america's going to be pretty chill with that one whether to marry or not depends on who it is ah this person asks uh james i would like a girlfriend who will evolve into a wife but i don't have one where are they trader joe's eucharistic adoration crossfit gyms yeah it's hard the issue there is and i've said this before and i've gone back to this device repeatedly the problem is there is that you want a wife a girlfriend in the abstract and uh she doesn't exist no one's ever going to fit into what you want them to be just leave your life be happy being alone and if you happen to find someone spontaneously who it's harder to live without, then pursue marriage with him.

Yeah. It is better not to marry. Again, I love my wife. It was better for me to marry. And for a lot of people, you know, having a vocation to marriage, you have to marry that person. But stop thinking you have to have a generic person. Ew. I need to find someone. To use. Somebody to love. To be my wife. Ew. I need to find someone

to use. Somebody to love to be my wife. No. Not at all. You've got enough. Yeah. You're okay on your own

unless you find someone who it's incredibly difficult not to marry and then you should marry them. But only them. Well, I'll tell you what, we might, we'll do the rest of this advice

on the Patreon but this podcast has gone for long enough. Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. Thank you for taking the pledge. Thanks. Thank you for bearing with me. It's extraordinarily hot here in Austin, and it's really only the canned margaritas that are keeping me going.

It's extraordinarily hot here in Austin, and it's really only the Panned Margaritas that's going. Panned Margaritas. Panned Margaritas. Panned Margaritas. Panned Margaritas. Margaritas. Hey, Macarons. Macarons.

Macarons. Macarons. Macarons. It's extraordinary hot here in Austin. And it's really, really hot in the near future I will tell one person A.T. list Who has not heard about the James Donald Forbes Mattan Katamaran plan

About the James Donald Forbes Mattan Katamaran plan. About the James Donald Forbes Mattan Katamaran plan. And encourage them to listen. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend,

I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out

now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts