The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - portland

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

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Acast.com Hello, and welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan, the podcast program where I, James Donald Forbes McCann, am trying to raise enough money to buy a boat. Quick catch up. I'm in America. That's the current plan for trying to buy a boat is to break America, to become probably a stand-up comedy sensation. I know the odds are more in favour of that than plan number two. Teen heartthrob singer-songwriter.

Doesn't have to be a teen heartthrob. Happy to be adult contemporary. So many people have written to me about the Macy Gray cover at the end of the last episode. I must say, I'm moved. Boy, I mean, it would be easier to be. say I'm moved. Boy, I mean, it would be easier to be. If I went down the path of becoming America's favourite singer-songwriter slash Macy Gray cover artist, that would be an easier life, I think, than being a stand-up comedian.

Coming up with material is hard in stand-up comedy. Songwriting, well, I mean, I've never written a great song. Maybe I've never written a great joke. Maybe I've never written a great joke. But certainly writing bad songs seems easy. Writing bad comedy is easy too. I'll tell you what's not hard. Covering Macy Gray. Well, it's hard on the voice. I can see why she's got that raspy voice, our sweet Macy Gray. Because you see, I sang that song, I was dog tired in the throat by the time I was done with it. I sang that song.

I was dog tired in the throat by the time I was done with it. So I will release that at some point as a part of the upcoming covers album of songs by women. Cover up. I mean, just imagine being a singer. Imagine what your life would be. You come out. You do the same songs every night. If you mix it up and you put in new songs that they haven't heard,

they don't want that. As a stand-up comedian, if you do the same old routine, well, they've heard it before. They don't want that. They want the fresh and the new. It's a constant reinvigoration. Well, that joke isn't funny anymore. Whereas with a song, a love for it will deepen over time. It gives you the liberty of becoming a shell of who you used to be and just going

through the motions. Doesn't require any existential strain. Oh yes, it would be nice. And you could, I mean, you could luxuriate in having a team around you, a band, having a relationship with the band, not necessarily a sexual relationship. Of course, that would be an option for many. Men, dances, set designers, costumes, lighting people, big riders, drug mules, a management team, prostitutes. It'd be, boy, it'd be different. It'd be very, very different. I can tell. We're doing these shows.

I'm opening for the great Shane Gillis in Portland, Oregon. And it is from a hotel room in Portland, Oregon that I come to you now. No visual element. Sorry. I just want to get this out and done. I'm exhausted after a long collective hour of performing. Excuse me. It is insane when you think about it, that as an opening, you do 15 minutes,

four times over a weekend, and you go, oh, I'm so tired. You work for an hour, but the body tells its own story. Excuse me. Anyway, we're at this big, beautiful theatre, and there are all these theatre people working there. They had a huge team. I assume they're all on union. I believe they're all on union.

And so for a production to be on there, you've got to have 20 people around if you're going to have the theatre. But, of course, stand-up comedy. Can someone please turn the lights on? Can we get that microphone going? You just turn that music up when no one's on stage. And then when someone comes on stage, turn that music down.

I mean, that's it. It can and frequently is done by one person. So there's 27 people there hanging out who don't have... I'm not saying they don't have anything to do, but they certainly have less to do than they would if there was a, oh, you know, production of some sort, or if Lady Gaga was in town. Goodness me, it's like comedy. Lonely.

Very lonely. And that is, in a sense, what's beautiful about it. It's just you and the audience. That's the instrument. You're a musician, and you play in the room. But a part of me does think, oh, wouldn't it be nice to be doing this in a more old world set up? To be doing some sort of, I don't know, vaudeville, you know?

Someone in a horse costume somewhere. Trumpet players in the corner trying to get that right. Where are my drumming sticks? Is something the drummer might shout out. He was very forgetful and didn't know where his sticks for drumming had been placed. Portland, Oregon is a funny city. It's a funny sort of city. It's very strange. I had heard about it being very liberal when I came here.

It's visually stunning. It's beautiful. We're here on a nice, warm, sunny... I'm told that's rare in Portland, Oregon. And it rains all the time. And the proof that it's raining all the time is in how utterly verdant it is. It's green. It is full of big, beautiful leafy trees and big, beautiful, effeminate homeless people. I've never seen so many gay homeless people. I don't know if they're gay, but really, I saw one homeless man sashaying across the park holding

a big log. I mean, that's a gay bashing waiting to happen. And not the bashing of a gay, the bashing by a gay. It's something to behold. There is so, I mean, architecturally, it's maybe my perfect city. Narrow streets, medium rise most of the time. Beautiful green areas. You can walk everywhere. Small blocks. There's a cable car. Tram, we might call that back home.

I don't know if they call it that here. And one of the best bookstores I've ever been to. It was called Book Planet. World of Book. It had some name and then some descriptor. book planet world of book it had some name and then some descriptor and i bought far too many books about the american civil war which is my current topic of interest in reading i've come back to reading man there was a few months there where i was struggling to get through jane austen just because i thought that was important and i could be an ally to the ladies. I couldn't do it. I couldn't will myself across the sentences

to get to the end of Jane Austen. I just don't care about the manners of British people from 200 years ago. Maybe I will. Maybe that's an immaturity on my part. James, there's so much more to it than that. I can't do it, man. I'm reading Salinger, and I'm loving Salinger.

I read Catcher in the rye and uh i you know at first i was like ah this is this is much more whingy than i remembered and i maybe i don't like holden caulfield and maybe this is an evil book and by the end it's no this is this is a truly beautiful book about a a boy who has post-traumatic conditions. Post-traumatic, of course, being the sort of term I think they use quite a lot here in Portland, Oregon. I mean, it was great. It's a stunning book. So much so that I went on and I bought Franny and Zoe. Franny is great. I'm reading Zoe at the moment. That's also great. Zooey Zoe. Don't know how to say it. I'm loving Salinger. He's a much more religious writer than I had anticipated. I thought it was largely about complaining.

Complaining and the innocence of children. I really thought those were the two big Salinger things. I see now that it's God and the pained absence of God and family and the pained absence of family and despair and America and the yearning for the sublime. I'm loving it. I'm loving Salinger. I bought another book by Salinger. The name of I think it's Seymour who's being described. Anyway, I won't go into too much detail, but just suffice to say I'm enjoying reading again. That is one of the very nice things about going on the road and being away from the family. Very difficult to be away from the family. I long to be with my family.

I love them so much. But we've got three small kids back at home. And there's not heaps and heaps of time for quiet reading. And it's been very nice to do that again. I bought so many Civil War books. I bought, what is this one here? I'm reading Bruce Catton's Civil War, which I'm told is a good one. It's a narrative history.

I struggle with narrative history. I just, I feel like, I often feel like it's dumb. You know, like they'll be describing a meeting between, you know, two generals. And he'll go, the generals, McClellan's eyes narrowed and the creases around them deepened. That's something you've made up. That's not a detail that anyone wrote down at the time. You've seen a photograph of him. You've maybe read some descriptions of him.

You're probably guessing at what happened in that meeting, let alone how his eyes narrowed. But, I mean, there's good in narrative history. I'm not sophisticated enough to dispense with narrative history, and I don't know what happens, and it's a good way in. I just sometimes... You're making it up! If I want something made up, I'll go back to sweet, precious Salinger and his stories about this family whose last name I don't remember.

Man, Portland. I went to Mass this morning. It's Sunday. I don't consider doing this podcast a servile labour. I consider it a life raft in the loneliness of being away from my sweet family, my sweet communitaire back in Adelaide. I went to Mass, and it was a very, like, regular Mass. It was a good reverent mass.

Novus Ordo style in the cathedral. And then at the end of the final hymn, everyone burst into applause, which I don't remember the last time I heard that. I remember from, you know, like in some evangelical Protestant type environments, I think there would sometimes be applause. Often there's no applause i genuinely don't remember the last time i heard applause when i started going to you know church services in general i remember thinking there's a gap here

where i think applause is meant to be we've just sort of sort of seen a show and it seems very rude that we wouldn't all clap and you go no that's the time for okay it's quiet prayer you're sitting you're reverent you're kneeling whatever you're sitting standing up looking for the toilet but the applaud now the applause genuinely offended me what are you doing it was uh i shouldn't shout like that. I'm in a hotel and people might hear and think that I'm an insane... They definitely will have heard that and think that I'm mad. Hey, this is the James Donald Forbes...

We should do the pledge. We should do the pledge. Just for newer listeners. I'm the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran player and I really am trying to get a boat. I mean, this one is just a two microphone... This is... The fact that this

podcast comes out and you've listened to the advertising at the start of it you might want to go and join the patreon thank you for everyone who's done that big swell of the patreon recently as people go and watch the vhs tour documentary special director's cut god save the king by sam clark there just has to be a podcast every week as i get towards the boat even if I don't have any incredible boat news to share but one of the things I've started doing is having a pledge I think that's a big that's one of the things I've learned in America people go what did you learn in America James I say is guns aren't as omnipresent and scary as you've been led to believe it's much further away from a race war than the media is depicting. And also, pledging is important.

You've got to pledge. And I'm not asking for your money. I mean, I am asking for your money, but I'm asking for that somewhere else. But here, I merely ask for some allegiance and some evangelisation. So would you please, after me, repeat today's pledge. I pledge that I will help James Donald fall as we can by catamaran, by telling somebody about the podcast today. Catamaran ho!

Quick pledge is a good pledge. That's what I'm about. Just get that pledge out of the way. I allege that that's how we pledge. Boy, I'm lonely. Boy, I'm lonely and I'm looking forward to going home. Here's a fun fact about Portland, Oregon. It is the strip club capital of America.

And there are just heaps of strip clubs. It's very relaxed, cool, casual. You know, it's one of those funny things where feminism is super important to Portland. And also a sticking a dollar bill up a lady. These are very important things. Maybe they're connected. Who can say? I personally, I can't go to the strip club.

But man, you're on the road. Wouldn't it be nice to have a naked lady just possibly pretend, possibly genuinely? Who can say? If she's a good stripper, you can't say. But just be interested. Just sit by me and say, what a fascinating person. If not with words, then with areolas. Cover up.

But I do not go down the strip club. I go back to my hotel room after the show and I read about the Civil War. That's who I am. That's how I'm doing it. All right, let's have some advice. Let's turn to the advice people have written to me asking for advice.

And I say, well, I'll give you some advice, mainly because we want women to listen to the podcast. Of course, if I just went down the strip club, tell all the ladies there about the podcast, maybe the most autistic move possible would be going to a strip club to tell the strippers about your podcast. So here's the advice. Ladies love advice sections. And here is some that people have asked for.

How to go on a nofap journey for at least 120 days. Figure that one out and let me know. Here's the next one. How often should I interrupt with dude and write? I'm currently doing it three secondly. You know, I find that when I'm interviewing someone or in conversation, I make far too many noises. Maybe you have the opposite

problem. Maybe you don't make, maybe you naturally don't want to make noises and you're trying to compel yourself to make more noises. I would so love to be able to have a conversation with someone and just wait until they were finished talking before jumping in with anything. And even then, maybe not doing it, but yes, yeah, absolutely. I agree. I can't stop. This next person writes, my ass stinks. Go clean it then, Liam.

Got to say, the advice is a little sillier that people are looking for than the normal ones. Oh, here's one. James McCann, catamaran. My wife gained 60 pounds after we married help why you want me to help you because you come too soon that sounds great i'd like to apologize for this for being maybe more of a sexual and more sexually liberated episode than normal portland is getting to me i gotta get back to get back to sweet Texas where abortion is illegal. Liquor is split. Yeah, I mean, look, yeah, your wife's going to gain weight. You're

probably gaining weight too. I don't know how seriously to take this one. I love it when my wife gains weight. I love it when my wife loses weight too. I love my wife's body at any size. I mean, you do have to be healthy. if your body man one time i've met a man who was so fat he was sitting up in bed and it cut off the circulation to his legs so yeah there are definitely times where it's time to go out and exercise and move and groove and get on with it but overall i mean it is very important to find one another attractive. It's super important to find one another attractive. Well, it's important to me.

I mean, I need dopamine. I need to look over at my wife. And here's the other thing. I don't force my wife on a... I just have a beautiful wife. You know, she's gorgeous. People... And I know she's gorgeous because people are impolite enough to say to me,

well, how did that happen for you? And they don't necessarily ask in a very polite way, like, oh, you're punching above your weight, just with sheer incredulity. But of course, I mean, people get ugly, people get disfigured, people are covered with acid, people age, people age terribly,

or buy an unfashionable hat, and I assume it's very difficult to not find your spouse attractive. No doubt my wife has struggled with that with me. I mean, I don't think she's never said so, but I've had some seriously bad haircuts and moustaches in my time. But it's not an issue that I've ever had that I've minded my wife gaining weight, so I'm sorry to say I can't help you with your problem. Maybe go for a walk together.

I mean, that's nice aside from losing weight. It's just nice to spend some time together and to stroll. All right, this next one. How do you combat close familial opinions that contradict your own life goals? Hot dog. Now we're getting into some real meat and potatoes advice stuff. How do you combat close familial opinions that contradict your own life goals? Number one, how much do you trust those members of your family?

Maybe they're looking out for you. Maybe you have the wrong goals. Nobody wants to hear that. But overwhelmingly, people's dreams are ridiculous. And they're not very good at what they think they're very good at and all that donning kruger whatever uh but if you know if you think it's very important that you do something your family doesn't want you doing it and your life goal i mean you can't combat it um to combat it would be to fight it and if you fight it you either win and they come on side or you lose and you give up i mean that first option is simply not going to happen and that second option would be bad if you're attached to and think you can fulfill your dreams uh so drown it out don't listen to it don't worry about it i mean i, for years I could tell because they told me

that members of my family did not like my comedy. Everyone's very supportive now. It's going well. And to be frank, I think they were supportive before it was going so well. But I was doing this for 10 plus years in a way that people close to me let me know they thought it was bad. As is their right, and maybe it was bad, and maybe that helped me to grow. It was always great.

No, it was probably, it was up and down. We're all up and down. We're all on a journey. So I would say just, I mean, if you respect this person, talk to them, find out why they're saying it. Is it because your life goals are causing you pain in other parts of your life or you haven't thought it out or is it just because they don't think you're very good at it and you think you're going to get better at it and you love it you don't want to stop doing

whatever that is so yeah just talk it out open honest respectfulness gee that's not a good answer i'm sorry i'm sorry that the answer is uh not, not more based, edgy, hip, nasty type advice. But yeah, you just got to talk to them, got to work it out, and then maybe you got to do your thing and they disapprove of it, and that's fine. It's absolutely fine to do things that your close family members disapprove of. I mean, if your life goal is to do heroin under a bridge, spend the family fortune on strippers popping that thing, your life goal is to do heroin under a bridge. You know, spend the family fortune on strippers popping that thing.

Your life goal is to do as much drink driving as possible. Then don't do that. But who knows? How to start comedy in Australia? Just start doing it. Go to a gig. Start doing it. If you don't like that gig, go to another one.

That's the next piece of advice. I'm 30, writes someone from Miami. I'm 30 and obsessed with success. How do I chill out? I'm in corporate real estate. Ha ha. Well, I mean, the first thing that I would say is that it's just almost impossible to conceive of your job in corporate real estate as being important and irreplaceable. Like if you weren't doing corporate real estate and putting those numbers

on the board, someone else could do it. Almost certainly. I'm sorry, I don't know your exact situation, but someone else could be doing it. It's generic. I've seen the commercial real estate in Florida, Orlando, not Miami, but still, I assume it's big glass towers and little medium density things in between the big glass towers and it's not a feat of incredible creativity and uniqueness anyone not anyone could do your job i'm sure you're really good at your job um but other people could do your job heck other people could do my job if i gave up this podcast and i you know i could probably find i could probably think of 10 people who do just as good a job as aimlessly talking about advice in hope of accruing enough podcast funds to buy a boat.

We're all replaceable. Human creativity, real unique human creativity is just astoundingly rare. For every one Mozart, there are a million Salieri's. So, you know, maybe that helps. You can enjoy it then. You can go, i get to do this thing i get to play the game of corporate real estate but you know will they remember what i did here after i'm dead and if so for how long and if for a long time should they but even i

understand also that that advice you know that's orthodoxy advice, not orthopraxy advice. And having the right thought is insufficient. It'd be necessary but insufficient for making a change and feeling better about things. So, I don't know, man. Go for a walk and have a beer. Do something for the body. Pray on it. Do something for the soul.

I mean, heck, I've become extremely success-oriented. I'm just hunting for success. I mean, I'm not talking about it right now, but I'm so proud and grateful to all the people who joined the Patreon to watch the God Save the King VHS Director's Cut special and all the other beautiful things that are coming out. And it's like, I see it in America. I mean, this is a very American thing. It's thing is like goals achieving doing something difficult and doing it well we don't have that in australia we've got let's let those mining companies do what they're doing and let's have socialized medicine yeah yeah that's our national ethos and plan and uh yeah i'm getting very caught up in

trying to achieve in america and i've got a book solo headlining shows across the country and then that'll feel like a bigger chip pop champagne making it rain pop that thing you know that's the that's the trap i believe they call it the. I believe the hip-hop community call that, you know, I bees in the trap is, I think, what Nicki Minaj says. I could be misunderstanding what that's about. Maybe it's about having a bunch of stingy little insects up inside your mouth. But I think bees in the trap is about being in that money-making success situation, and it is a trap.

And you've got to put your faith and your value in higher things the highest thing it's not to say we can't enjoy the things along the way but keep your eyes trained on God and I'm told that'll work out for you I mean I'll let you know when I feel happy and comfortable in my life when that makes a but who knows how bad I'd be otherwise that think about that here's a new song I wrote I think it's going to be on my album. I'm thinking I'm going to do a little musical interludes on my album of songs by women. I might not do that. Maybe it'll just be an album of songs by women.

Anyway, here's one of them. I wrote it on an aeroplane. This one's called A Little Something for the Ladies. Thank you. ស្រូវតែលារបស់ពីស្រាប់ពីស្រាប់ពីស្រាប់ពីស្រាប់ពីស្រាប់ពីស្រាប់ពីស្រាប់ពីស្រាប់ពីស្រាប់ពីស្រាប់ពីស្រាប់ពីស្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ព Thank you. a cast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting The Hills after show.

I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com.