The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Sam Tallent in Conversation

Episode Date: August 17, 2023

Peep the visual on YouTube: https://youtu.be/sGnNU_0XaBkSign up for the JDFMCP Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccannBuy Sam's book: US: https://www.amazon.com/Running-Light-Sam-Tallent/dp/B08579JYKFAustralia: https://www.amazon.com.au/Running-the-Light/dp/B08579JYKF Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! and I'm here to tell you about the new Google Pixel 9 powered by Gemini. Anyone who knows me knows the Pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now, with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant. Since I'm truly terrible at keeping up with emails,

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Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Oh, it's all right. Now, are these chairs okay? What's that supposed to do? Crush the furniture? Should we go knee to knee? You do it. When I very first started in stand-up, I was like an improv guy,

and I tried to bring stand-ups into the improv world by doing knee-to-knee interviews at this very small improv theater. And I would just bring on people I barely knew who didn't respect me and have conversations right here. This feels like a Presbyterian prayer meeting from my youth. And I would go and sit in a circle with Koreans and pray for each other. I always found it very uncomfortable. The Presbyterians got into Korea hard. Yeah, it's weird that they only got that part of the world.

It's all they deserve. You wear the shorts on stage. I do. They don't define me. I just look better in shorts. You do look better in shorts. Yeah. But I just know of no one else who does the short. You don't know any brave people.

Women can wear whatever they want. They can have a titty hanging out. But do you get raped after the show if you wear the wrong thing? We'll start now. Okay. I'm joined by Sam Talent, author of Running the Light. I prefer comedian who wrote a book. Well, John Rivers says the opposite. She says never go by comedian, always go by writer, so that people will respect you.

Yeah, speaking of getting raped. Was she raped? Probably. She was a woman in show business in the 60s. I think people respected her husband.

Who was her husband? Philip Rivers, quarterback for the San Diego Chargers. I'm trying to, as a remark over my head, after he died,

she had a great joke about, she says, my first sexual experience was a rape. That is a good joke. Yeah. No joke yeah no no that's the whole bit no she said my first sexual experience was a rape luckily my husband didn't press charges oh it was that and then it was um something about my after her husband died she went on letterman and she said yes yes, my husband just died. I took the bag off my head during sex.

She was good. She was good, John. Dude, have you seen her documentary? Yes. My favorite way of describing the inherent fear of being a professional comedian is when she's like, you want to see fear? This is fear. Empty weekends in October. It's like May.

She's like, where am I going to make my money this weekend? She's just like showing her calendar. She could have done anything. She had a TV show. She's like, where am I going to make my money this weekend? She's just showing her calendar. She could have done anything. She had a TV show. She must have had residuals. The daughter who's taken over the TV show. I don't know if she got a bunch of residuals for a talk show. Fashion police. I guess fashion does move on pretty quickly. Imagine if we were on fashion police

right now. I feel like I put the effort in. This is a great shirt. It's like a Bill Cosby sweater. I'm afraid I from touching my breasts. I still don't feel like we've started. I don't know when we'll begin. Is there smoke in this room? I've been vaping.

Oh, you have been vaping? Yeah. Without asking any permission. No, go for it. Thanks, man. That's one of yours. They're everywhere in Perth. They line the street.

Yeah. And it's very... They're giving them away at the airport. It's the right way to sit. How's this? What if we look back? Can you see me right there? What about this?

I just, I'd like it to be interesting in some way. This is horrific. Sam... Can we see what it looks like on the screen? I just want to check that my gut is in a good place. Oh, that is actually... Are you worried about your gut? That is actually...

Whoa, that's pretty great. Look at that. Look how coquettish I can be. I didn't eat all the eggs. I the book it's a great book i'd like to begin with a spoiler of the book running the light yeah uh so people can skip the first five minutes right yeah but there's a strange moment it's a it's um it's a very structured book uh-huh every day the you know the narrator he ejaculates or tries to and he's injured in some way and he I wrote down a list of things that happen every day

I don't know if this is but he ejaculates he finds cocaine, he does comedy he gets drunk, he remembers his ex-wife and he suffers a serious injury and this happens every day in each case they become sadder each day they all escalate except for this odd moment in the middle of the book where out of nowhere

like an angel, Norm Macdonald appears. He was alive when you were writing. He was alive, yeah. Allegedly. You think it's a Nelson Mandela type situation? The Macdonald effect? I don't remember him having

more than one feature film, do you? I don't remember him spelling his name with an A, but he did. Did he? MacDonald. He was a Scot. Norm Maccas. He's not Irish, yeah.

He was a Canadian. Oh, no, it was really Iroquois. Yeah. Hey, let's not be Iroquois about this. But isn't that odd that you took a living man and you wrote him into your book? Did you know him? No, I never met him once. That's so strange.

He's the best of all time. He's my favorite comedian. Living and dead yeah and i think that this guy needed someone some kind of hinge to connect him to the old world of road comedy when he was a success and he was on carson and he had this budding career than the current where he was just like a you know fucking uh empty husk of a man kind of being carried around the roadways who is it it's bill's Billy Joe Shaver. Billy Ray Shaver. No, but that's what... Billy Joe Shaver. But it's a pun on the...

Is it a play on the name of that country and western musician that Norm Macdonald loved very much? No, I'm sure it was subconsciously because that's such a great name. But there's Billy Wayne Davis who's a very funny comedian in America. You're going to have three names with a Billy. Yeah, so I don't know. I just think that that was a good... It sounded like a guy who would be stuck in this kind of awful life that he'd created for himself. A cage of his own wrongdoing.

Well, you've been on the road a great long while, 50 days. I'm a ghost on the highway. You haven't had that sort of road dog hack comic type career. I hope not. No, yeah, no. I've been very aware of not falling into having to the stink of the road on you, as we say in the States. I've heard that expression. Yeah.

Even though you can't really do that in Australia because you have to fly. Right, and also you take ferries, you know. There's like a dirigible that carries you to Merricksville. We've got one nice city. I'm glad you've seen it. Which one, Adelaide? Sydney's, oh, and the harbour. Oh, yeah.

The ferry. Where's the Manly ferry? The Manly. It's way across Circular Quay. Manly's beautiful. It's the worst comedy room in the country in Manly. What is it? The Manly boat shit.

Maybe it's just bad for me. I had a heroin addict tell me to quit. She's a very skinny woman with leathery skin. What was her name? Actually, no, no. She was just a lady who was there. Oh, okay. But she said, I just want to let you know, you're not funny.

And I don't know if these people are being too polite, but yeah, it's no good. Wow. She was so polite about it. I had to come back and emcee the second half after that. To her and Florida people. You in the first half? It broke my heart. This was the intermission?

Yeah, that was the intermission. You guys got to get rid of this fucking intermission. It sucks. You don't do intermissions? It sucks. No, we have waiters. We have servers. You can just sit at your desk and watch the show. I love that you used desk and watch the show server yeah we would never we're a very egalitarian society

they serve you they bring you the things you want we would spend money on it we don't like to draw attention to the fact that someone is there to serve you yeah you probably call them like a bring-around boy go get me gal boys go get me gal it's not bad uh-huh well we don't have uh and the service here is not good. No, because you don't tip. No, but that's nice not to tip. I love it as an American. But then if you need more ketchup,

there's no incentive for them to bring it to you before your meal's over. I mean, they disdain you in America as well, right? They just hide it with a little razzle-dazzle. They fake it because they want that sweet, sweet 20%. Isn't it better to live in reality? I don't know. I feel like if you're going to do a job,

you should be rewarded for it. You guys all make 26 an hour and you fucking you know work two days a week and you follow the rules well we've been discussing australia in general you said it feels like a safe country but are you not disgusted are you sometimes americans will come here and they'll be a little disgusted by the laid-back nature of it no one's pushing ahead no one's really achieving anything. There's no inventions. What? People want you guys to like fucking revolutionize solar power when they come here? Well, if anyone's going to revolutionize solar power, make hay.

Well, you guys also live underground half the year, at least in the middle. One city. Yeah. One city. You have a city underground, which isn't novel to you. I brought it up. If you say city, it's a stretch for Coober Pedy yeah

people live underneath school buses they have no sun they fear the moon this is first I'm hearing about it maybe that's not making it to our papers

and we need a foreigner's eyes to see what the truth is yeah yeah you need some carpet bagger to come in and give you a fresh perspective not an expression we have yeah I know

no one wanted to come here and profit no but this is what I I mean that that spirit... In America, there's some sense of... What if we slowly rotated? Go west, young man. Yeah, we'll do it very slowly.

Right. And this is maybe the best thing about the country is the spirit of adventure and achievement. I think you guys are great. You guys are wild. I mean, Andrew Wolfe... We'll never make it to the moon. No.

What are you going to do up there? Crack a fucking wee pint of EB and have a kick around? Yeah. It'd be a great game of AFL. The ball would go so high. People would be jumping. It'd be real nice. It'd be like if you had black people out there. That's the height you could achieve. We have two black people out there at a time. Sudanese, you know all their names.

One Sudanese in the back and a Mercurial small forward down the front. Mercurial? They're always described, our Aboriginal players are often described as being Mercurial. because they can't say tricksters he's clever he's magic he's got a whimsical eye for the game that thing with the players of color that we're not meant to call them magical oh yeah no okay yeah only if they're caddies then you can call them magical. Is that a film? Yeah. Bagger Vance. I never saw Bagger Vance.

Who did? Will Smith and his drinks. You owe me a soda. It's like a Coca-Cola. You guys don't have that when you say jinx? You owe me a Coke? No. Oh, do we have that?

We do have that. You can't say jinx, though. That's definitely a... Oh, yeah. The racial Pokemon. I choose not to say it wherever I can. You had Jinx and Mr. Mime was trans. No. Yeah.

Was he? Yeah. Was she? Mr. Mime was married to Ash's mom. He helped. Right. He was just there hanging out. Well, if you think about it, Ash can talk to Pokemon, right?

Yeah. And also they attack him. Well, they don't attack any other humans. Okay. So it only makes sense that his father was a Pokemon. He's half Pokemon. Right? Yeah. And also they attack him. They don't attack any other humans. Okay? So it only makes sense that his father was a Pokemon. He's half Pokemon. And Mr. Mime's in there piping his old mommy. No daddy around.

Where's Papa? Where's Papa Ash? He's never explained it so that he can connect to... I'm just saying he can talk to Pokemon? They can't talk. I mean, they can all talk to Pokemon. That's not... Hold on.

That's not a new fresh thing in the Pokemon universe. But Pikachu's like, how was your day, Ash? Oh, he hears them. Yeah. Well, then why is Meowth bothered to,

I like that Meowth only through hard work managed to talk to people. Well, I think. I think Pokemon are somehow lazy. I'm pretty sure that Meowth's people own the media. I think that was alluded to.

I never picked that, because he has gold coming out of his head. Yeah, yeah. That's not an anti-Semitic tripe in Japan. That's very positive. Oh, yeah. They're like,

Jewish people are very good with money. Yeah, I like that you do the voice. Look at the cat. No, I believe we should be allowed to do the voice. That's very bold. Because they kept us in prisoner of war camps and we never colonized them. They're like the French of the East.

We imprisoned them. We had POW camps for the Japanese during Dugout. Yeah, but they were treated so nicely. They were good. We treated them. They gained weight in our prisoner of war camps you gave them flutes you gave them shovels they played baseball we didn't make them build a railroad we didn't make them either they wanted to they loved it it was them and the irish yes have you been up there where japan you've raised this impersonation city i think it's the one that

should be okay i'm bringing it back you know what i like um i like like the caribbean one they're like the jamaican patois oh yeah can you rust a man i and i feeling iry too many clams that's just an essex accent what's's Essex? Like east of London. Oh, I don't know. And then they picked it up. And that's... This whole like white dysphoria you guys have. No one cares.

Well, you've got three accents in America for the whites. We have more than that. We're so nuanced. You've got the northeast. You've got a weird Louisiana thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got I'm walking here. Yeah, yeah.

And then you have the California one. Micro processor. That's Boston. Yeah, Boston is its then you have the California one. Micro processor. That's Boston. Yeah, Boston is its own thing. And Philadelphia is its own thing. Philadelphia, they say water and Mario. You got like six cultural places. Yeah, because we have a lot more people than you.

We have 10 times. And then it's a wash. We've at least got. Adelaide has a different accent. It's the only one. No. You may not have picked up on it while you were here. Well, every Australian I hung out with so far

has just been screaming at all times. We're a little more demure. Yeah, you guys are coquettish. I would say precocious. I'd say mercurial. I'm trying to think of words that you'd use for a young porn starlet. Other than mercurial.

Confused, afraid, alone. I think being taken advantage of in a difficult industry. Oh, yeah. I wanted to talk about the book. I've got to talk about the book a little bit. Oh, sure, yeah. Why do you have Norm Macdonald

come in as a sort of angel? As a sage? Well, he fixes the man's life. Anthony Jeselnik said he didn't care for the sage figure of Norm Macdonald. Well, he also had a hard time with him on Last Coming Standing. Right, they had beef.

Yeah. Yeah, but then after he died, all of a sudden, he loved Norm. Oh, Norm was the best. He was a great guy. Yeah, yeah. That's my Jeselnik. That's good. Thank you. He was beef. Yeah. Yeah, but then after he died, all of a sudden, he loved Norm. Oh, Norm was the best. Yeah, yeah. That's my chisel knife. That's good.

Thank you. He's a great guy. He's something sort of severe and South African about. He's from Pittsburgh. Is he? Where you're going. I'm told it's a great city. Have you revealed that yet?

Well, I'm... Your plans to expatriate your proud homeland where everything's figured out and fancy free? I think there are big problems with this country. There's not... Well, you... Not enough taffffy not a candy apple in every boy's hand what's the matter you guys are great there's no spirit of greatness here and there's no sense that we're in charge of our own country yeah but it's also no one cares what you guys are up to you guys are like oh we need to be on the fucking same pedestals as america and england it's like no do your thing it's like that monty python thing where the Protestant comes home and says, I can have sex with you any way I want.

Yeah. But then he doesn't. We have the freedom. We're alone. We have the money. We have no will for it. The fact that you think that Monty Python is still a cultural milestone to talk on just goes to show how Australian you guys are. Do you know the reference though? I know that John Cleese's daughter did

comedy in Sydney when I was there. No one liked it she lives in america though well she was here and she was bombing and wolfie was like that's enough i keep getting off the book yeah so you broke it down clinically so norm mcdonald did you not think of it in that uh no i was just trying to write a book okay yeah but it is funny that he like goes through all these things every day it gets worse every day that's how bad i am as a writer and his life uh comes good for one day yes everything but um but i think he it's an optimistic book about the his life is never going to get better no one's ever called it optimistic i felt positive i think it's a bleak look at a troubled man no when he's in the river at the end, he's splashing about and the boys love him. Kind of biblical, isn't it?

Yeah. And just after he's groped that woman. That was a toned down version of that too. What, there was a full-blown rape in the original? In the original, he blasted in his pants. Oh, nice. He did a bit of a Japanese businessman on the subway. Frateur, if you will.

Not fromage. That's cheese. Why did that come out? Because he got hard and he rubbed himself. That's very good. Thank you. Did you have this book edited? Your father did the copy edit or something?

My father copy edited it. But I sent it to a couple of people and I was like, I think it's done. Read this. Mishka Shubali was very integral to the completion of this book. And yeah, he was like, you got to done read this mishka shubali was uh very integral to the completion of this book and uh yeah he was like you got to get rid of him coming in his pants because we already don't really like him with any nuts in his own khakis i liked him the whole time well yeah but you're a damaged person maybe yeah you're renouncing your citizenship you're gonna

burn your passport keep the citizenship for when um i don't know which country's gonna break into war faster. Not you guys because everyone's going to be at the beach. Well, that's where the war will come. Yeah, it'll be a war

over who gets to play locals only or tourists as well. Well, you're about to go to Cairns. That's the one bit of the country that we're willing

to give up to the Japanese. They can have it. There's nothing in there. We drew a line and we said, but mine's not, so I'm keeping it safe. Yeah, yeah.

I think this is the correct, this is the best visual. Sam laughed a couple times early and now he's been just eerie quiet. Let's see if I can ask anything exciting about the book. I like the cover.

Thank you. I like that Ramstein. Do you know the one? Is it based on that? Oh no. Have you thought about the book? I thought about it a lot. I wrote it and I was done with it. I was very touched. Thank you thought about the book? I thought about it a lot. I wrote it

and I was done with it. I was very touched. Thank you. Now I bought myself a catamaran with the props. Oh, I shouldn't have said that. Well, I'm just happy to... Look, anyway,

you can help me get the catamaran. I should get onto the catamaran. I think that boating is a valuable thing to do. I got a vision and I feel I have to buy a boat. I have no interest in sailing the boat.

So this was your burning bush? Yeah. Was the vision of having a boat? I don no interest in sailing the boat. So this was your burning bush? Yeah. Was the vision of having a boat? I don't know if it came from up above or down below, but someone's telling me to go. I think it came from the side. I think the YouTube algorithm just kept showing me beautiful people on catamarans.

And I've mistaken that for a vision. You're lamenting all of these trappings of Australian society that I think are so valuable. You're very laid back. You're free. You're all beautiful people. That too can be a prison. Yeah, I mean, it's been tough so valuable. You're very laid back. You're free. You're all beautiful people. That too can be a prism. Yeah, I mean, it's been tough on you.

You know? Well, it's a deep loneliness. You keep saying you're fat. I'm like, shut up. Not by your standards. You mean my, like, specific? No, you personally. But you...

You're a larger man than I am. I'm big. When we came in, Sam, the cameraman, said, James, you've lost weight. I thought I'm standing next to the right fella. Yeah. This is what I, this is how I feel. I also went to shake his hand and he flinched.

Oh Sam. Yeah. He's not a toucher. Yeah. It's too liberal a country. Uh huh. It's one of the issues. I don't know anything about your politics.

I know Bob Hawk is cool. He's the only guy that I know. He was cool. Yeah. I think he was a boy. I only know because he like would. He's the only guy that I know. Yeah. I only know because he would drink a beer at a cricket game real fast. He was replaced

by Paul Keating. Pork heading. Paul Keating. Paul Keating. Paul Keating. Yes. Okay. And he,

I think is, I'll cut this. I think, but he's very beloved by the left in this country. I bet there's a lot of bad stuff happening on that refugee island you guys don't talk about i think the other way around not enough bad stuff we i

think it's definitely nicer than we make it sound we set up a bad refugee island to encourage people not to come and then we put out a lot of bad press about the refugee island and then you look at the refugee island on google maps it's just a cupcake shop. Soccer field. Yeah. Everyone's wakeboarding. A lot of positive Google reviews. Some sort of boarding happening. Great restaurants. That's one thing that as a country that we have weirdly made our peace over in the last 10 years is being very brutal to refos.

Refos? Refos. The refugees. You guys just throw an O on everything. Those refos are devo. Well, we won't throw an O on them if they're drowning in the ocean. I know. I thought that was pretty good.

If it floats, it's good. But you have immigration. Quit doing this. You have immigration. I just like to touch. I like it too. I wish you were showing more skin. I'll take the shirt off for you.

Pop that shirt off. No, I'll do the jacket. Okay. You're wearing the red, white, and blue. I like that. Well, I just, I wanted to wear something uncomfortable. Is that a Mossimo shirt? It's my brother's.

And then I watched, what's Mossimo man's name? It's Jeremy Lenos. I watch a lot of fashion television programs. Really? On like, you know, making the cut and Project Runway. Yeah. I'm a big Tim Gunn fan. Tim Gunn's great, dude.

He's such a delight. And they had the man from Moschino as one of the judges on the latest Tim Gunn fashion show. What's Moschimo? Is that not how I say it? I think it's Mossimo. Isn't that like the shitty surf company? Oh, I thought I was wearing the fancy one. We get all of your clothes over there and they're just like 10 for a dollar yeah roxy yeah not known for our fashion we've got the

cosby sweater this is a t-shirt oh the kuji yeah i've been trying to find real kuji i went to uh in is it melbourne where they have the queen victoria market yes they do right you wouldn't find one there i went in there yeah and there there was like a knockoff Coogee. There's this place. I have the card in my wallet. And the guy I walked in was like, do you have any? And he stopped me and he's like, we're going to have to make something for you. And I was like, oh, you don't have any?

He's like, just kidding. He pretty much put his finger to my lips and was like, shh, don't waste your breath, we won. So he gave me his card and he's like i'm gonna call the factory and see if we can produce a garment for you is it underway at the moment no because i don't have i don't i i don't want to call him and be like yeah that's danny's knitwear you gotta get it you gotta i don't want him not to fire up the fucking garment police we need the we need the infrastructure infrastructure. We need people to get manufacturing happening. Them making me a

4X sweater would keep a lot of people housed. Oh, yes. Yeah. But those Coogee, I own a Coogee garment that I wear. I wore it when I did a Will Smith TV show and he was very impressed. And you showed your wife's bottom to him. Her rumpus room, as I call it.

Her south mouth. I tried not to have a look to see how roomy the ramp was she bought those uh she bought those pants at uniclo and they don't really hug her voluptuous curves you want it you want you wish to show off your your woman i want her to she's not my woman god you do have australian mindset i, well, I don't. What's wrong with my woman? She's my festy mole. She might say, that's my man. Oh, she will. You're one flesh.

You own each other. We are, yeah. Yeah. We're bound with a covenant. Sacred vows. All that. And you're a cross for one another. You make each other suffer and you bring each other salvation in the process.

Yeah, yeah. She hangs on me. And you, you know. I mean, I was going to make a big man joke but i want you so small and lovely that was one of the main things yeah it's nuts i always know it's a good sign a man has a better looking lady you have to yes but sometimes you sit the other way around and you see a good looking man with a very unattractive woman he's a homosexual i always think either homosexual or he enjoys the power that comes from yeah her needing to look up right yeah that's good i like that there's something beautiful about a man who humbles himself by having a hot wife i do it every day you know what i mean so you masturbated so much that now you can't come i think this is a very normal

experience for men of my generation you cranked your pud so hard that now you're numb to the idea of a woman's decision because scar tissue took hold we can talk about that later i've spoken about that a lot on the part i'm sure that's your main thing botched circumcision i think it was a good circumstance penis sucks are you a circumcised i don't care i'm circumcised i was born in an american hospital i had no say in the matter i don't care. I'm circumcised. I was born in an American hospital. I had no say in the matter. I don't understand why as a nation you'd love it. My wife won't do it.

She's a doctor and she will not do circumcisions. She won't circumcise the men. I think it's better. Or the women. Well, there's... And I say, hey, do you want to work in Africa? Who do you think is scarier, the trans or the Muslims? That's a bit that I'm working on at the moment.

You know what's the scariest? A trans Muslim. They're not scary. They've all been killed by their families. I'm working on it. I think that could be a five, ten minute bit, but I won't run it on you now. I want to do it.

I've never done it on stage. I was thinking of doing it on stage tonight, if you don't mind me not doing well. You know what was a joke that I tried to do? It was talking about how my niece is is half muslim okay bottom half she's circumcised lovely yeah it's great for us do you know the hadith about the female circumcision the hadith of the collections of the sayings of the prophet muhammad as opposed to the quran which is their holy book hadith the had The Hadith. It's like the secondary.

It's like the commentary. It's just things they think Muhammad said. They're just musings? Yeah. Yeah. Times the Prophet laughed. Times the Prophet made people laugh. What did he laugh at?

Sunni and the Shia have different Hadith. Oh, I know. Can't they just get along? But one of the Hadiths is about the female circumcision. It's always Sunni in Kabul. Is it Sunni? That's very nice. Oh, I know. Can't they just get along? But one of the Hadiths is about the female circumcision. It's always Sunni in Kabul. Is it Sunni? That's very nice. I've only watched a little bit of that show.

Yeah. They're signing in Philadelphia. Oh, that's a show? No. I was talking. Okay. Anyway. I want to tell you my favorite Hadith. Please.

I've been waiting all day. Someone comes to the prophet and says, Prophet, can we do the female circumcision? Yeah. And he says, look, you can, but as pleasurable as it is to have sex with a circumcised woman on earth, it will be more pleasurable for you in heaven to not circumcise your women. Wow.

So you can do it, but it's something that you can offer up as a suffering to enter paradise, is to not circumcise women. So I needed to get that out. That was such a great story. Yeah. You know what I'm thinking right now? It's crazy that there's historically the war between the Jews and the Muslims.

They don't really like Muhammad, but they love prophets. That's very good. That's not bad. That's very strong. You should take that. Do it tonight. I'll do it with the Meowth stuff.

No, I try very hard not to. We have some Jewish people in this country, but not so many. That sucks. We have a few in Sydney. We talked about this after that great sandwich down at Questerberry's Marketplace or whatever.

Did we get to the Semites? No, no, no. We did race chat. We were talking about how you guys look down on us for our problematic past with race. But we also allow people in and have 400 million.

And I had like black neighbors and you had black people when you played madden you know like you don't it's it was very strange meeting non-media black people in america because we i've known a couple what do you mean uh like you know like bulky well are you saying television sport oh you meant like Meteor. No, like, well, Meteor as well. Yeah. But I met unfashionable black people in America. Yeah, it's just like they're, it's almost as if they're normal people.

Well, but we don't, you don't let them on your- It's not like they're a fetish. You don't let them on TV. I don't run TV. That's not what I've heard. Who runs TV? I think the corporations. Nice try, buddy.

Heavily, heavily edited. You're not going to catch me in your bamboo cage. Oh, you took the movie down. We're working on a script. What's the script? It's about a man who discovers a charismatic glove. A charismatic what? A charismatic glove.

And he must live with the consequences. What's it called? Brad's Glove. Brad's Glove. Brad's Glove. Yeah, and you're like, why don't we compete on the world stage with film? We're writing Brad's Glove in the shed. I have to.

In Tunsie Town. I can't get any money from the government or the industry to make this movie. It's cool that they do do that, though. We don't do that in the States. Do you have government money? Yeah. Yeah.

A rapist has to come in and wink at you, and then you get $60 million to make your project. But at least the project you make with the rapist's money is fun and entertaining. Here, you get good, clean government money, but you have to make a project. But at least the project you make with the rapist's money is fun and entertaining. Here, you get good clean government money, but you have to make a movie about a rapist or a heroin-addicted single mother. It's like an Ouroboros.

The snake eating his tail. Yeah. You know what's cool? Chopper. Chopper? Chopper. The movie. Yeah.

Chopper rules. It's great. Have you seen Chopper in real life? Yeah. The videos of him? I didn't know he was an expert. I didn't know you knew about Chopper. Well, Eric Banner, right, was Chopper. Chopper rules. It's great. Have you seen Chopper in real life? Yeah. The videos of him? I didn't know he was an expert. I didn't know you knew about Chopper. Well, Eric Banner, right, was Chopper.

Chopper. Yeah, there's that one where he shot that guy on the news. He shoots a William Tilt. Yeah, yeah. I don't think the guy gets hit, does he? But I don't, I think. He's shooting bottles. But then doesn't he threaten the woman who's.

Yeah, he threatens the woman. Yeah, with a gun. He's having a good time. Yeah. They should have let him and Bob Hawke run this place. There's a weird... Have you been to New Zealand? No.

Okay. Who cares? It's a beautiful country, beautiful people. I'm trying to make it. I'd like to make it in New Zealand as well. No, I don't want to go to the tail. Give me the head. Well, they have a...

It's a prettier country. You guys don't allow them to be even part of the continental discussion. It's just Australia is the continent. The New Zealand's over there floating around, bobbing and weaving. They think they have their own continent. Yeah. There's a plate that it's under Australia is the continent the New Zealand's over there floating around bobbing and weaving they think they have their own continent yeah there's a plate

that it's under I know Oceania Ray O'Leary kept being like Australasia Ray O'Leary he's very funny you met Ray

yeah I did shows with Ray when I was in Melbourne he's so funny he never said Australia he kept saying Australasia because he's from New Zealand yeah

it's like you guys aren't a part of the conversation. They're not allowed to speak. Well, they enjoy their separatism. They're the mute mime of the sea. No, they have a bigger cultural impact than we do. No, what? Because fucking Flight of the Conchords?

Taika Waititi? What? Excuse you? Taika Waititi? God bless you. He did. You guys have that joke here? Taika Waititi, God bless you.

This is when you hear a funny name and you say, God bless you. Well, we don't say God bless you, so we can't. What do you say? We say gesundheit. Oinks is oinks. Do you say oinks? Oh, a nose whoopsie came out. An eruption from the head.

Nose whoopsie's not bad. Yeah. Upstairs, downstairs. Blind your mother. You guys just talk silly, and I love it. I'm not doing the thing on stage that every American does when they come here and just be like, do you ever realize you say cunt a lot? I don't do that.

Well, you don't say cunt enough. It's deep in the psyche that people come here and they talk about the accent. To the extent, Megan Trainor was here recently. Who? She sang that All About That Bass song. Is that how we say it? Megan? I wouldn't know the first thing.

Megan. Megan, yeah. Fat woman. Is she a big fat lady? She's a medium-sized fat. So here she's a big fat load. She doesn't have a big bottom, but she has that, I'm all about that bass and the... No treble.

No treble. Yeah. Kylie Minogue, legendary dumper on her. I looked at it recently because I was listening to some Kylie Minogue songs. Very tight, small, by today's standards, no one would even know she had a bottom. Back in the day, that thing was out of control. You look at it now and you go, the white bottom has really become an extinct phenomenon she's 75

years young she did have cancer and uh not breast cancer they didn't scoop those out i think it was breast cancer no really wasn't it was it not breast cancer sam she's a delight did she have was she famous over there oh yeah that's nice oh's nice. Oh, yeah. Did you have a sister, Danny? No. Oh. We have Demi Lovato. For now. She always seems depressed. Yeah.

What was I going to say? I was going to say something about America. It doesn't matter. It's a great country. We were talking about butts. Oh, Meghan Trainor comes on out. She's been hosting this singing The Voice, you know? I do The Voice on stage sometimes.

Her voice? What y'all talking about with that funky stuff? Are you not allowed to do the voice? I love the voice. I'm going to do the voice now. I went to an open mic. It was the biggest separation in California between the California whites and black people in California.

California blacks, if you will. I use the same term. I may as well. But it was at the comedy store and it was like eight white comedians in a row just doing shit

just nerdy glasses bullshit they were doing your act soft comedy no I like to my big inspiration is Steve Harvey

he's my favorite comedian of all time he's the best I think Bernie Mac is maybe number one I've been talking to Bernie Mac you've been talking to

Shane Gillis yeah he made me watch Bernie Mac for hours dude one. I've been talking to Bernie Mac. Yeah, you've been talking to Shane Gillis. Yeah, he made me watch Bernie Mac for hours. Dude, Corey Holcomb. He's the best. Corey Holcomb? I don't know Corey Holcomb. I'm going to send you a clip. Please do.

He doesn't act out of an abortion in front of Shaq. There's something I want to say about Shaq. No, no, please. Tell your story about... Well, first I'm going to say that on your commercials, only white people are allowed to be silly. If ever there's a silly person who's being judged harshly, it's always a white guy, unless the guy is Shaq.

Shaq is the one person of color who's allowed to be made fun of on commercials in America. That's what I picked up over there. Okay. That's how I felt about it. We can move on. I respect the outsider's opinion. But the guy, all these lame white Americans just doing weak race gear.

And then a black guy gets on, like a seven-year-old black guy, comes out and he just goes, he says, I love pussy. Yeah. And he goes, you look like you got a great pussy. I bet your pussy great. And he's five minutes talking about this woman's pussy, kills, walks off, never seen again. He won't have a career.

But it was so vital. He's too old. You guys hate old people in comedy here. If you're like 40 here, you don't have a shot. You got to be the festival darling. They all made it. A victim of sexual assault. I would say it's the opposite.

Our old people are encrusted on. And no young person has made it through. What are you talking about? No young person has been following in Australia. Well, no comedian has made it through to America besides Yahoo Sirius. Jim Jefferies has respect. Jim Jam, we love him. He's one of ours, though, now.

He is. Yeah, there's no one. All our television went away. We have no Australian TV. Ray O'Leary's big in America. That's simply untrue. He's just tall. He's big here, too.

Yeah, between Ray and Andrew Wolfe, those were like my two favorites. And you, I'm so charmed by you. Please, you've never seen him. I could be terrible. I'm not all day. No, but you haven't seen me on stage. I can't imagine it's bad. It's a lot of poems.

It's all poems and doing the Charleston. Do you rhyme? Do you just do vaudeville stuff? No, no, no. Skidamarinky dinky dinky. I'll be doing Trans Muslims Who's Scarier. Really, I'm feeling it tonight. Well dinky. I'll be doing trans Muslims who's scarier. That's my... Really, I'm feeling it tonight.

Well, I would like to be a trans Muslim because then you get to wear the hat, the hijab. Oh, you'd go M to F. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. They are the hottest ones, I do believe.

Oh, for sure. And it'd be very easy. You'd wear the full tent and then you don't have to pass. I'm pitching a full tent thinking about it right now. We're not as afraid of... Five years ago, this part of the podcast would come out, but not anymore. Oh, really? I'm not afraid of being stabbed by a Muslim in the street anymore.

I'm not afraid at all because there's human beings. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. I'm connected. Is that it? No, that's the end of the podcast. Why'd you freeze frame there? I just thought it would be a cool...

Most of the time I've been facing this way and they've been seeing my scar. Hopefully, is that showing? No. Why do you have a scar? I was dropped on my head as a child. That makes sense. Yeah.

That tracks. Plato says that only philosophers... Something has to go wrong for you to become a philosopher. I think Plato's delicious. I had a big problem as a kid. So I would just... How would you say that philosopher's name in America? Plato.

Plato? No. But you have the platonic ideal. You know what I mean? The world outside the cave. You think this is the platonic ideal in Australia? Of male friendship, yeah. Unless...

Sam, get on all fours. Can we use your boy? Sam's a top. I'm a power bottom. A top lad. He's my top boy. He's no Dorothy. Let's talk about this.

Please. Your football that you have here... Oh, yes. ...is the greatest. Yeah, thank you. It's so much fun. I went and saw a live game. And I guess the game between two teams that no one gives a shit about?

Correct. Essendon and North Melbourne. I say they are. Please. Yes. Not in America. But here, we went and saw it. We ate the 4-20.

It's a free-flowing and exciting game. It's just non-stop chaos. You can't get it to take off anywhere, not even in the top half of the country. I don't understand why. They play rugby. Well, you know what I think? I think Melbourne needs more teams. There's not enough there.

They only have 11 or whatever. It's a sticking point and you'll find no... They won't move them away. North Melbourne has 14,000 people showing up to their games. Yeah. This is nothing.

It should be 50,000, 60,000. There were 37 at the game I went to. 37,000. That would be Essendon, mostly. Essendon does have a big fan base. Essendon's the top boys. They're number one. I'm a Richmond guy

because I have the hat. Deep middle. Yeah, it's an unpopular hat in Adelaide. I have a hat. They beat us in the grand final. I bought a hat. Well, I'd like to get you a new fresh hat. Get me a hat.

All right. We'll go out and get you a close hat. Sam, get out. All I can find is just to balance it out. Oh, the Carlton Blues? Oh, yeah. Carlton Blues. Give me a Carlton draft.

It's a terrible beer That's what everyone says It's good Have you had a Coopers? No We'll sort you out American beer is Not sold in this country anymore

For 4th of July We got a Texas neighbour And we had a celebration What did he fly in? Some Budweiser for $14 a bottle We sell Budweiser Miller

And Coors Yeah Coors is from where I'm from I love Coors. Colorado. Maybe the finest of the three. It's weedy. You can't buy a Pabst here anymore? You don't want that.

There's formaldehyde in it. They use it to pickle fucking, yeah, miscarries. That's great. If you miscarry, you can just fill up a jar with Pabst and keep the baby. Zombify it. That's great. That's the reason. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered.

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has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. The miscarriage has happened and the solution to losing the fetus. But it's a good beer. Fetus.

Did you say it with a P-H-O-E? That's the non-racist way to say it. You've got to say it with a hard P-H-O-E. And the Brooklyn Lager is not sold here anymore. And we really looked down on it. But the beers that we do have, they're just sort of immediate sugary nothing beers. They're mostly made with rice. Like Budweiser and Bud Light is made with rice now.

Who colonized who after that war? You're telling me. Yeah. Have you seen Oppenheimer? No, I was in Japan. They weren't showing it. No spoilers. I'm not a big history buff.

It turns out they deserved it. And that's why they're not showing it over there. It's a great movie. I cannot wait to watch it in a couple years when I'm bored in a hotel room. I want to see the Barbie movie. Yes, I'm told. Because the men represent me. They don't have genitals.

They're smooth. I bet you have a big, beautiful genital. I have a nice, erect hog. But just walking around, it's a real whisper. Growin' and a showin'. Yeah, yeah. Do you have that? And a thumpin' and a bumpin'.

And a movin' and a groovin'. Now you're doing the thumping and a bumping and a moving in a grooving how you doing the voice again you want to hear the song that i sing about my wife yes i would okay this has not been a hit with her you've actually you've raised this several times you tried to get the song off the ground beforehand you said would you said darling would you like to hear the song that i sing about you she said no of course not yeah she went, Nar. So here it is. Yep. I'm married to a moldy woman. She's all covered in rotten decay. She's mired in slime and rot.

She's a moldy woman and she's all I've got. Oh, that's a nice... Not bad. That's a good pivot at the end. Yeah. I thought it was going to be, as the less attractive partner, that's how you keep her in the game, with constant nasty songs. Oh, I'm a nice... It's not bad. It's a good pivot at the end. Yeah. I thought it was going to be, as the less attractive partner, that's how you keep her in the game with constant nasty songs.

Oh, I'm just nagging her? Yeah, yeah. She's a dumb, dumb woman and she shouldn't leave me. She should stay in the house where she belongs. She doesn't have a job right now and I'm paying for everything so she should be nice all the time. This is what I wanted to say. It's impossible to shake the accent for the American.

You are not exposed to it at all. Meghan Trainor trainer came here she was on a panel show and she was making fun of the accent in the finale of the show eight we all she could do is be flummoxed by the accent i wasn't making fun of it i just think that song's better charms your people we love it yes because you guys all sound like you were kicked in the head by a horse how do you or like you drown for like 30 seconds as a kid. It's a sophisticated voice. I'd like to take you. But no American who comes here,

he is the real, glattal, public transport, out of suburban version of Hudson. Oh, I heard it in Essendon at that game. Yes, actually, you might have heard it there. Jack Stranger, you fucking legend, mate. I went to a high school football game. Go on, tell me more well it was

it was in Steubenville, Ohio and I got crushed like 72-0 oh shit first of all I like that in high school football if the gap is too big the slaughter rule

the clock just keeps going I didn't know it was called the slaughter rule yeah slaughter rule everyone was nice while the team was getting demolished no one was shouting out. No one was drinking. This is unheard of in this country. You can't drink at those games.

Well, no. Little hot dogs. Everyone's sober. You're not mean in the same way as a sports fan in America. No, yeah. I mean, isn't the point of sport to be there, to get it out, to unleash, to have the id, what's it called? Get it out.

Deuce ex Machina. Yeah. I think it is a... James Brown's follow-up. I feel bad. I am very sad. I walk around sad. I remember being glad.

It's in a minor key, so I should make that with AI. Minor key? Minor, minor key. I thought you were talking about the brake shop in America. So, yes, we don't. I think it represents sectarian violence, you know? Yeah. We had awful rivalries with the Inglewood Pirates.

I was an Elizabeth Cardinal. And I was a very high caliber football player. I was all state. Okay. First team. Not second team. Real deal. Number one.

Big slab of beef. Where were you playing? In Colorado, where I'm from. No, in the team. I was a left tackle. Okay. An offensive lineman.

Were you the only white? No. Is offensive lineman an all-racers position? Corner was the black one. Corner is definitive. No, but the Denver Broncos, my team, we just drafted the first white cornerback in a long time.

Wow. You know how bad it is? Jason Sehorne is the last white corner. And we all know that. Every football fan is like, white corner, Jason Sehorne. When was his era? He was, I think, when the Giants won the Super Bowl in 2012, 2013. But there's this big push for black quarterbacks right like it's a

it's considered a progressive thing and a good thing well i that was like a real like hardcore so the thing about cornerbacks and i don't want to become i'm not like measuring schools right here quarter with a qu and then cornerback covers the wide receiver and these aren't big fat guys they're usually tall and live right they just said wide because they're far out in the formation along the sidelines. And they're the fastest guys on the team. The cornerbacks have to be able to run as fast as them backward. They backpedal as fast as the fastest guy on the team. This is not a white skill.

No, no, no. Yeah. We're not used to running away. We go forward. We impose. Say, listen up here, mister. But the quarterback position, this is real fact uh they didn't think that black people were smart enough to play quarterback because they give them this like test at the uh the draft but the test is

inherently racist like what's a regatta right yeah yeah uh-huh uh when do you not wear white after memorial day labor day easter what is it you know it was built for uh for people who come from the landed gentry the gilded cages of america they were giving this to poor sander lick test is what it's called uh so yeah historically they didn't allow black people to play quarterback even though they're a dominant force now in the game and they're all the arguably i mean i think the top two quarterbacks in the league are both black guys lamar jackson and and Patrick Mahomes I'm familiar with Patrick Mahomes we only really get broadcast the Super Bowl right here is

there not infrequently no no and also he's the rival quarter his team is the rival to the Denver Broncos okay so his entire reign of dominance has directly subjected my team to pain and agony I only know the Denver Broncos from the Simpsons bit in which they're Denver Broncos from the Simpsons bit, in which they're a team. The Denver Broncos! You just don't understand football much. I went on the Matt and Shane podcast. Yeah, yeah. You said all types of slurs.

They kept having to edit me. I didn't know they were slurs. Yeah, yeah. And people write to me. The only thing I get from that podcast to this day is people writing me and go, how did you get edited out of the Patreon? What did you say?

And I go, I think it, I probably shouldn't tell you. I don't need it getting out there. I thought it was positive. Oh, no, I didn't know that. I didn't know you were cut from that. I was cut from that, and then I have to cut. How do I raise $250,000 to make a feature film in November, and will you be in the feature film?

Of course, fly me back. All right. Yeah. If we have the budget, I will do that. Well, I have to get different visas too. I have to get agricultural visas. Would you maybe volunteer for it and I'll make a gift to you of a different kind?

Like what? Wait, you have to get an agricultural visa? Yeah, because I'm such a big fat guy. I don't think we're going to put you in the royal show as a cow. Come on. Milk me. I've got to get something out about this book. I spent so much time reading the book.

You know what's great about the book? It's available for sale. Well, I read it thinking that I'd probably see you in Australia. Did I send this to you? No, I bought it. Off Amazon?

I bought it off Amazon. Good. I was going to actually say that. If you live in Australia, please don't buy the book from my website because it charges you 45 American dollars.

No, no. This was dirt cheap and printed here. It's 20 bucks. Yeah. Where was it printed? I'm sure your copies have a much nicer cover.

My book also is out on Amazon and the printing is of local you have a book too i got poems poetry marlon brando 911 beautiful poems that everybody will love that was a good i got that now you read a poetry book i got two i got a new one coming out my monkey and i have something to hide that's another nursery rhyme yeah from america it's a john lennon it's a it's a surprisingly strong book i was moved and parts of it have been coming back to me uh all day but i've got i gotta ask i gotta ask some things about the book i'm just looking at your notes and it says the cover dot dot dot, dot, dot, name of artist, and then German question mark? Because of the Rammstein thing.

Well, because the German artist who did it, I studied. I think he's Austrian, but I studied him in high school. I saw it. And it's all forks in the eyes and bandages. No, this was our Richard Ingersoll, who I grew up with. He was in my sister's grade. He did this painting. I found him on Instagram.

Yeah, he's great. Yeah, yeah. What's his name? I can't fuck. I can't remember it. But he's very good. But it but it's also you grave daisy you're the guy yes yes but you don't look anything like the character in the book no no so what happened here was is that richard ingersoll read the book because this was the second edition the first edition was a black and white photo of me kind of like shrouded in shadow um it was a polaroid taken from me on the road where i'm celebrant you know

yeah victorious and uh so he did this painting as like a congratulations and i was like oh that's so nice let me monetize it immediately yes and then here we are it's lovely it's great and every bad thing that happens to the camera i mean the nose crown of thorns but there's cigarettes it's very biblical he's a christ figure something happened to his head in the book he gets bumped over the head with a wee rock a brick when he's in the nightclub as an old man

and he's removed from a hip young that bar exists that 715 club in Denver Colorado all those people no no

but my friends worked there and we would gather there for song and mirth you know it was written with the hatefulness of someone who could only really love a place you know

oh yeah all those places. Everything in that book, not the debauchery, but every gig I did. Every locale, every location. Have you gone on stage after a chicken has defecated on the plopper? Yeah, duck shit bingo. It's a real thing. You made less money than that man?

Yeah, for sure. You destroyed his duck. It was also at a cancer benefit. I didn't free the duck. Freeing the duck was like a symbolic moment. Yeah. But I can't remember if it was chicken or a duck in the book, but I think it was a duck.

Yeah, duck shit bingo is a big thing in the mountain region of America. Appalachian or the western mountains? No, no, this is the western, the Rocky Mountains where I'm from. You've got to have a culture. We do have a culture. Yeah. Yeah, it's mostly a lot of cowboy hats where I'm from. You've got to have a culture. We do have a culture. Yeah. Yeah, it's mostly a lot of cowboy hats.

I come from rodeo. So where were you? You're from California originally? No, I'm from Colorado. Didn't you say that the other team that you played against in the football was With the Inglewood Pirates,

Inglewood, Colorado. I didn't know they had an Inglewood. That's the thing about America is there's like 10 town names. Springfield, over and over again. Springfield, Smithton, Old Barracksville. So you are from Colorado. Yeah.

And you've just stayed in Colorado. Chumley's a big name. Chumley? Mm-hmm. There's no big Chumley that was there. Gorgontown? Gorgonzola. Gorgontown?

You should just get one of those boats. What do they call the Gorgonzola? A gondola. A gondola. Yeah, yeah. Have you seen death in venice of course it's so beautiful who could forget when he pouted his face and looks at the boy yeah and he's like i'm dead in venice he says that that's his only line i'm gonna die in venice i'm so

horny i'm gonna die i have not seen death in venice oh really i don't watch films it's just a man who puts on makeup and looks at a little boy and dies on a beach what about dennis the menace have you seen that the boy's hotter than that whoa he's a hot boy is there anyone eating a apple off of a knife blade no but that is always sorry we have to take a minute so we can put more coal in the camera you don't like cinema this is something you said before you were talking with somebody and they said you don't like films you said no i read i'm a reader i don't have the vocabulary to experience film as an art because i don't really think like when people say that a director is very important it's like no the cinematographer was important and then the people who designed the

costumes were important the lighting guy was important like the director is just like a football coach you know he's drafting a good team though he gets absolute freedom to draft sure it's people I mean there's a there's a Tarantino vibe, even though he's working with different... Right, so there's an aesthetic that some directors adhere to, and that's great, and I love those movies. You prefer an auteur that the novelist controls every word, every small bit. I just don't really understand why film is an art.

It seems like a big team effort that's put together. Do you feel this way about comedy, that comedy is an art? No, fuck no. It's a craft, right? Yeah, it's something you practice. It's a table that has to work that has to in art you get to if i may be pretentious i'm wearing a scarf um who would have thought this man was not interested in the visual medium yes i'm more of a visual double xl uh i think they should bring out the extra medium and let me go back to the one l the extra extra medium. The extra medium.

Well, there was a great show about a dwarf psychic who was on the loose called Small Medium at Large. You didn't make that up then, did you? That's very good. No, but it's always on the tip of my tongue. All right. Anytime, anyone. Anytime I can.

I think that's my dad's joke, honestly. Well, this is a hack comedian all the way through this book but then the hack bits he does are great the comedy is actually like a strong part of the book that was the hardest part of it man

was to make it sound like it was hacky enough to make sense for him to do it in these terrible like legion halls but then also for it to be good enough in that room that he you could tell that he was like you know a former master of the craft the first one is when he there's like a blonde boy and he says you know hitler's what is that adolf hitler's dream hitler's dream come true or something yeah and then there's a crowd work bit that norm likes about uh a big man and a small woman yeah and his great like when they have sex it's like a marshmallow

on a tree yeah yeah yeah you know what's embarrassing about that is the thing where he he drinks someone's honey mustard off of their tray of chicken tenders i've done that before well you've got to sometimes yeah we're like can i have something you want to eat and can i have a bit and they expect you to take a fry or something then you chug the mustard this is maybe my favorite and least favorite thing about comedy is when you see the thing that you have to do and I have to pour the drink down my front now. That's for the joke. Like there's something that's happening in the room

and you see it before the audience does and there's not necessarily a choice. I have to call that woman a dumb slut. I see it coming. It's like a beach board's coming at me. It's going to kill. I don't really want to do it. You fucking dumb slut.

Exploding with happiness. I've never done that. Do you know what I mean? We're not that thing. Taking one's shirt off. I remember during COVID, I had to kiss everybody in the room. I just had to go out and kiss everybody on the mouth. And there's footage of me at the peak of COVID.

Why? Because you're such a contrarian? You're an iconoclast? I just knew it would be funny. And once you know there's the thing right right yeah it's very hard to say yeah once we've all agreed upon something being a faux pas nothing's funnier than doing the faux pas i mean it's like a form of it's like jordan peterson talking about you see him talking about the guy playing the guitar no i don't he cries he weeps

no about jordan peterson well now fair i just don't it's one of those there's all these things that people think is part of a culture war and it's like do you not participate in the culture war at all i don't know if the culture war is real so many people in america don't know that bud light put a trans woman on the can but a comedian's never almost like the word this is this is the canary in the coal mine man i mean i think this is a this is something of the age and the culture has stopped The culture sort of stopped in 2001 and it's just being repeated. People don't follow the news.

I mean, I think of what is the last song that you could do a joke about that people would know and definitely know. Probably like... Sandstorm, is that what that was? That's blue. That's like 97. I mean, there's, I think like Umbrella by Rihanna.

Right. Or like all those guys who do parody songs. They don't do that anymore. No. Well, when they do, it's like Baby by Justin Bieber is the last one where you could genuinely go, everyone's going to know this cultural touch point. Interesting. But the trans on the can, people don't know.

People aren't reading that specific news source. It's all become very atomized. It's like when Louis C.K. was outed for demasturbating. No one knew about that. So many people in America still don't know that Bill Cosby's a rapist. Well, I don't know that Bill Cosby's a rapist. I know. You haven't seen the evidence.

Show me the panties. I remember that was your last album. Well, it's not the panties. I've got to check this before i keep saying it do you know that how he was sent to jail the the fact of the the grist what so he would drug women yeah and have sex with them but his defense i wouldn't call it sex james well his defense what his defense was that this was part of their relationship and that the women knew that they'd be drugged and they would come back for more. And that was his kink.

And it was a consensual drugging and fucking. And the thing that got him... Lost art. I want to get this right. I think it was a WNBA player, but I'm not sure. But he was having sex with this... She wasn't into it for sure because he was a man. I see his lesbianism rife there as well.

I went through our soccer team, our women's soccer team. She wasn't into it for sure because he was a man. I see his lesbianism rife there as well. Oh, yeah. I went through our soccer team, our women's soccer team. Yep. I was trying to find one heterosexual. Couldn't do it. That locker room must reek. Sweat and female ejaculate.

They're all juicy because they love each other. Right. So Bill Cosby drugs this woman. And his defense is, we were in a relationship. She knew it was going to happen. Yeah. And the thing that got him sent to prison is that one night he didn't, it was a cold night and he had sex with her and he didn't put a blanket on her when he was done drugging her

and she got pneumonia. And they said if they were in a relationship, he would have put a blanket down. That's a man using her for sex. And I always think, well, only in a relationship would you hate someone enough to leave them out in the cold. A one-night stand, you make sure they have the blanket. And so on that, he got to prison.

Innocent. That's vaguely. I prefer the term not guilty. Y'all got to feel me. It's a higher legal standard. But I believe that's why he went to prison. And I should check that. That wasn't a dream.

I think you should check that. Yeah. Here, I'll tell you this. My cousin, I'm not going to say which cousin. Okay. This isn't my story to tell. But her friend, long-term friend, this friend's mother was one of his victims. Right.

And she said it wasn't a hoot and holler. So why would she tell that lie? Yeah. QE Bono. Yeah. Who benefits? You two? Look, I'm sure he... What, Bono?

Yeah. Instead of Et2? U2 Bono? U2 QD. QT? Whoops. I'm going to get that. No, I think Bill Cosby probably.

What's... Not all of them. I like... You can't have that many and they were all consensual whoopsies. Time's a construct, man. What's not a construct? People always say that.

His chair. That chair is literally... Thank God that chair was constructed. Properly. Pushing the limits of construction. Yeah. Gender a construct. That's correct, Sam. God, you got your shooter over there, huh?

Sam's podcast. We're just living in it. Yeah. How long have we been going for? An hour. An hour. We'll cut that down to a good 45. I think that there's a lot of usable stuff in here.

I think so. Would you like to talk down on any American comedians while you're here or Australian? I mean, you've been in the country for a long time. Yeah, about 15 days. It's been a long tour. Yeah, man, I don't know. Have you seen anything good?

Have you had the time to see anything worth seeing? I think the peak was, well, the Melbourne Botanic Gardens. Very nice. One of my favorite places in the world. Yep. Tasteful. Just beautifully done and also free.

Free to the public. Are your botanic gardens not free? Of course not. Because they want people to go in there and fucking shoot heroin and sleep underneath the pagodas. I'm so nice that you still have a heroin shooting country. Yeah. We've, we never never went we stayed on

meth everyone's on crystal out here and in a whole city like perth wouldn't exist it's all like crystal meth yeah yeah yes yeah we don't have crack cocaine that never made it no you know what's funny and this sounds hacky but i'm sincere in this the first week i was here people would be like yeah the party was pretty lame and then we rocked up and it was a good time and i thought they were smoking crack cocaine because i didn't know that rocked up and showed up no i'd love to have some uh crack cocaine culture you guys have fucking you have crystal meth that's all so i have and you you'll have like a bad part of town and people don't go there it's all drugs and then it's just sleepy heroin right heroin is not a scary drug they're slumberful

they're so it's when they're somnolent yes they are very good some ambulance left and right some name yes some ambulance oh that's something ambulance is one who sleepwalks yes one who's zombified on the nod we say here yeah but the the meth people are just they're going they have yeah we tried to introduce our lefty government they do the the hippy-dippy shake. They have like heroin injecting rooms. I know, we do that too. They tried to bring in ice smoking rooms. Oh my God. No one wants to be in that room.

Those are just called tabs, right? Oh, the gambling room? Yeah. Have you been to a TAB? I went in to try and get a beer at a TAB. You can't get a beer there. No. No, but you can get a lemonade.

You can watch the doggies go around. Yeah. Also, you have ginger beer here that has alcohol in it. Yeah, of course. My wife didn't know that. My wife was ordering ginger beers at like three in the afternoon and just like winding up like, hey, you want to go in the bathroom and make a smell? You know?

I was thinking you're on track to a disabled baby now and she didn't know about it. No, no, but what's up with these ambulance bathrooms? Tell me that again. Ambulance bathrooms. Have you just been shitting in the ambulance? What's going on? Well, it's free here. An ambulance bathroom.

Well, they're ambulance. Oh, ambulance. Yeah. Yeah, it means you're allowed to walk. Something like that. You don't have to crawl in. It's like this is for the disabled who can walk. This isn't for the fucking half man on skateboards.

There's no crane here to take you out of your little chair. Like the pools in America. Is that a real thing? Yeah. What's that? Oh, bird song. Oh, it's beautiful. Is that a real thing? Yeah. What's that? Oh, a bird song. Oh, it's beautiful. Is that piped in? Yeah. It's the bell that says we have to leave.

What time is it? Let me ask you this. Sorry, before I do this. I left my phone in the car. It is time to riff. I haven't switched my watch over to your one and a half hour time change. Sam, what? In the other direction, it's just a half hour time change. What time is it, Sam?

Ten past four. Ten past four. Oh, we'll get you to the art gallery, yeah, which is also free. What did you want to say? You guys call them bikies. You got to knock that off. Why? Is that too cute?

Yeah, it's very condescending. They're good people? There was a guy named Zane. They call them sales bikies, yeah. Well, they should grow up a little bit. It's not a boy's game to shoot a cop in the chest with a shotgun. One time. This guy Zane was like, my brother, he's away.

He's in the poke hole for a long time. He's up in it and we can't get him out. He's one of that university educated Aussies. He has a master's in art. Up in the tree. Yeah. So he was like, yeah, my brother, he's got a swastika tattoo on his throat. Of course. And he shot a cop in the chest yeah so he was like yeah me brother he's got a swastika tattoo on his throat

of course and he shot a cop in the chest with a shotgun he's a bikey and I laughed really hard and he said wow you're laughing

it's definitive trauma and I was like you call them a bikey that's what you call a boy on a fucking three wheeler you call them koozies yeah

we've got stubby holders yeah you call them can jackets. Well, I think there was an amputated man. It's a dress for your tall boy. An amputated man tried to buy a stubby holder from Youngblood, and he couldn't believe that this amputee was asking for a stubby. He was like, has he got a stub? You got stubs?

What do you want me to do, give you a hug? Can't do his voice. You can't do it. No, I keep thinking he's from Texas. Why would you want to give him a hug? Stubby Holder. But they don't call him Stubby Holder. No, we call him Koozies.

I mean, that's also a silly name, isn't it? Of course. We have silly names too. Oh, you got that one. I don't know if you've got any others. You don't have good fun slurs the way we do. No. You've gotten rid of them.

You've purged language, except for behind closed doors. Ray O'Leary was like, now comedians come here and say, oh, you say cunt a lot, don't ya? That was his big take on American comics. That's you doing a New Zealander doing an American doing an Australian? Yeah, pretty much. That was really the... We're through the looking glass here, people.

I don't know if you've read Infinite Jest, but have it's difficult yeah i loved it yeah who are your favorite do you like david foster wallace no okay i like his essays i like you i like i like interviews too tough too long brief interviews with two masters yeah that's good i like that it's john masturbatory uh dad foster wallace thing there's a bit where he talks about fingering a woman. There's a man who fingers a woman and puts his hand on her tummy to make sure she orgasms. And she's saying this is disgusting, I think.

Does he say tummy? I don't think so. A bikey fingered me. You know what I'm saying? Hand on me tummy. Hand on my tummy. So you're not a big Foster Wallace fan? No.

I mean, I respect what he's done. His additions to the American canon. No, no, no. Dennis Johnson, Cormac McCarthy, Delillo's cool. Flannery O'Connor. I love Flannery O'Connor. Carson McCullers is cool. Carson McCullers is cool.

Larry Brown slept on. You know about Larry Brown? No. The poet laureate of Mississippi. Larry Brown? Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, Mississippi.

The bastard son of Faulkner. Do your states have their own poets? Yeah. Even the little ones? You don't know about this poet guy? I know about like federal national poet laureate. I didn't know there'd be like a Wyoming poet. Yeah, yeah.

I think Anne Proulx was their poet for a while. This is nutty. Yeah. You should take that song I read about my wife and put it in your book. You can have it. That's very kind. Well, I can tell you that the one I wrote last night in a dream. What was it it's

waking life can't wake up sleepless it's about getting all the I had my wife send me a text message because my phone

was on the other side of the room but I want to do one about how all the celebrities smell like I gathered all the celebrities

to see how they all smell maybe it was a better dream it was a better dream than the night I'll tell you like I gathered all the celebrities to see how they all smell. Maybe it was a better dream. It's like Shel Silverstein. Hmm? I think he had that. It was a better dream in the night. I think someone's already done that.

I'll tell you this about Will Smith. By trying to name drop, this is the only interesting anecdote I have about Hollywood. I did a show with him. He has no odor. He doesn't smell like perfume. He doesn't smell like a man. He doesn't smell like laundry.

There's no smell. There's a villain in that Patrick Suskind novel. Perfume. story of a murderer we're just talking about literary things before he's got no smell do you guys have a like a writer here so just like chris franklin sells his book after shows and everyone gives it a nobel chris franklin has a book i don't know yes i went out actually so i went out with him and i stayed on jess watches no we just had a big night out together with Sean Conway. Oh, wow.

That was a big night out. In an Aboriginal dance music nightclub in WA. Because he's huge. I went drink for drink with Chris. Wow. And the next morning I vomited yellow bile, which I'd never done before. Yeah. I didn't know that was possible.

Aboriginal dart club? A dance music nightclub. Oh, okay. Yeah. With the coaching staff of a football team who happened to be there. Crows? It was then the Frio Dockers. It was Ross Lyon. Oh, yeah. Legend. With the coaching staff of a football team. Which one? The Crows? It was then the Frio Dockers. It was Ross Lyon.

Oh, yeah. Legend. Legend of the game. He's a laconic fellow. I won't bore you with Ross Lyon stories. But I was just, I couldn't keep up. I can't keep up with it. I always, I go out with people and I think I'll drink with you and I'll have a nice time

and I can never do it. We were on the piss last night, man. In Perth? Yeah. We fucking popped him, slurped him, dumped him. you can't keep up with wolfie i can keep up with wolfie but he was like deep in the pints when i got off stage yeah because he wouldn't do a set he wouldn't do a set no i was like do a set he's like i don't wanna you know he talks i do yeah i was uh like a haunted tea kettle i'm too. We've got to go and do something now.

What do we do now? How do you, we'd say, get the boat or make a movie or whatever? I'm trying to make this movie in November. I need $250,000. Yeah. What's it called? Is it a documentary about having a chode? It's Brad's Glove.

Oh, yeah, Brad's Glove. Long and strong and ready to get the friction on. Do you have, you don't happen to have $250,000? I do, yeah. Not to just like angel invest in your vanity project before you fucking leave town. Appreciate it. Smart.

Smart. But how much can I put you down for? What is everyone else putting in? Is this American dollars or is this your made up plastic money? Oh, I could probably give you like 500K of your fake money. I appreciate that. That's like 3,500 American. I'll put you down for 3,500 American.

No, no, 3,500 Tasmanian money. Or how about this? I'll give you 3,500 Australian or you can take the mystery box. This is a left-hand handshake, so it has no bearing. I'll have the box. What's in the box? Nothing.

You actually owe me 40 bucks. I'll fly you out. you owe me the price of the box fly me out i'll come back anytime if you can be in the movie that'll be something i can be in the movie we're planning i haven't finished the script yet yeah finish the script i can play the glove oh if you want i spoke to a filmmaker today and i said i'm worried that the film name is madeline and it wasn't roman polanski no but he has agreed to rape a woman in Jack Nicholson's hot tub. At least it's a woman this time. She was very developed.

And they still talk. They still write emails to each other. So the, I love that it was Jack Nicholson's hot tub. That makes it so much. He's probably filled with piss, like Bam Margera's house. I thought of him as having gotten his life together. No, that was Steve-O. Excuse piss like Bam Margera's house. I thought of him as having gotten his life together.

No, that was Steve-O. Excuse me. Bam Margera was throwing parties where the whole thing was you can come in and we're going to fill a hot tub with piss and you can swim in it

for 30 bucks. Bam. Yeah. Naughty man. What was that film? Oh, she said dream sequences. I just wanted to get that out. Oh, yeah.

She said make it longer by adding a dream sequence. So you could possibly play the glove in a dream sequence. You should add more boring parts to your film

I find people respect you more if your film's boring oh for sure yeah why keep it entertaining the whole time and then just say

this is commercial drivel look at Mizuruki or whatever Miyazaki sure I rode one of those over here Maserati

yeah you know what I don't like Mushy Mushy thank you for coming go on Squishy Squish what i don't like mushy mushy thank you for coming go squishy squishy i don't like uh that movie everything everywhere all at once i didn't see it it sucked yeah i thought it would suck yeah too many people i didn't respect told me it was good and that swore me off it which is everyone had to say it was good everyone had to say get behind it this is amazing i thought it was there was no fucking story it's just like someone read Camus when they were like 35

and realized that there's no point and then they were like oh I'm gonna make a movie well I think that's a a weak reading of Camus I think the point of Camus is that there's

you assign meaning there is no meaning you have to assign meaning yeah there's only one choice yes suicide is not a valid option I do believe

you're a Camus man because you want to go to heaven well Camus says suicide is not a valid choice yeah I do believe. Because you want to go to heaven. Well, Camus says suicide is not a valid choice. Yeah, I know. You can't do it because of that pinky swear you made of the big man. So if I want to die, I just have to go into a rough neighborhood and start talking smack. Yeah, yeah.

And suicide by getting taken out. This is apparently what I think people do. Oh, for sure, yeah. No, I'm not allowed to do it. A lot of viral videos are built on that premise. I think I might have a nicer algorithm that doesn't show me anything too violent or sexual. I've been asking it really nicely to take that away for a while. I don't have a perverse algorithm at all.

What's on your algorithm? It's mostly like, honestly, there's some, what's weird is there is a pair of breasts every now and then. But it's the exact same pair of breasts attached to a different woman. It's like they're so hyper-specific now that they can tell. They know the size that you like. Like a dangly bag, you know, a brawless, fancy-free situation. But also now there's a bunch of Yemeni men cooking food by a river.

Nice. Yeah, I like that. It's a big blade. He chops up some peppers. I didn't know they had food. I thought that was a big thing in their country at the moment, that they were dying of a famine. In Yemen?

Yeah. Famine. Did you not know about the famine in Yemen? No. You look as though you might have been the cause of it. That's an old gag. That's an old gag. No, they're having a bad time in Yemen, I do believe.

Really? Well, might have been Yemen. Was it Yemen? I do believe. Really? Well, might have been Yemen. Was it Yemen? I think it was Yemen. Look, I think you're doing great things. I'm so glad you're in Australia. I just want to say that. I'm glad to be here.

Listen to my podcast, Shelby Behemoth. Yes. Do you find that... I find that Americans don't let you say nice things about them very often. They shut you down. They think you're blowing the smoke up their ass. No, you're just hanging out out with two New York comedians. Yes, they don't care for it.

I said to Ari Shafir, I saw him, and I said, ah, so nice to see you. He was like, calm down. I didn't even get to be a flatterer. Well, it's very sweet, and I'm very grateful. But yeah, I think it's more of a matter of it's not interesting to them. For you to tell me all the stuff you said on the ride over, you're the best, most underrated comic in the world. I can't wait for you to pop.

And then you said, like a balloon, because you're a fat guy. And I was like, oh. So that's why I don't want you to say it here. Do you feel you might be a better, are you worried that being an author, I mean, you obviously uniformly successful at this immediately. Oh, yeah. Stand-up comedy takes a long time. It's hard on the body. Right.

The career's up and it's low. Is it just the love that one has for comedy that keeps one going? I feel you could just write. I could, and I'd be happier, but I love stand-up. Yeah. Yeah, and I do get more joy out of that now. Really? Well, because stand-up is just like a series of levers you pull.

You know how to do it. It's a bag of tricks. Not that I'm a fucking genius. No, no, no. I hear you. And also on stage, I don't care if anyone thinks I'm smart. I think a lot of comics. I want people to think this is like a literary novel.

Does this use more of your brain when you're working on it? You feel more tired? For sure. Yeah. Exhausto. That is sort of, I think, the only way to... Excuse me. A little limonado came back.

Oh, yeah. When I bought the coffees Before I bought a can Of lemonade soft drink You didn't share that No I Meanwhile I scalded on the way back So that no one would judge me

For having a little extra limonado Yeah But I'm paying the toll now That would have been nice to have it I was so good with the sandwich Yeah But I think that being That fatigue

Does let you know When you're working on the right thing I just really like that And I could easily move to like Paris and just write books I see you as a james baldwin type figure yeah yeah only accepted there because i'm a black homosexual yes yeah uh he's no say that i'm like the modern james baldwin a lot yes yeah i was trying to think of who the novel was

similar to dennis johnson yes you i did see you I started reading his short stories after I saw you say that. The Largest of the Seamaden? Is that what you read? I just read the first one that popped up, I'll be honest. But Flannery O'Connor. She's the greatest short story writer. Something there, yes.

Conan O'Brien wrote his PhD on her or his master's. He wrote his top university paper. At Harvard? At Harvard on Flannery O'Connor. Wow. Yeah. I would love to meet Conan.

Yes, it would be good. I kept auditioning for his show and J.P. Buck was like, none of this makes sense. I was like, yeah, I don't do seven minutes. Getting on the American television circuit doesn't matter anymore.

Well, it doesn't matter anymore but it still seems cool. It would be nice to do your clean five on Kimmel, wouldn't it? No. What, for $1,200 so 18 people see it? I'd love $1,200. cool it would be nice to do you clean five on kimmel wouldn't it no what for twelve hundred dollars so 18 people see it i'd love twelve hundred dollars oh you will have been to biscuit

world have you been why would you assume that because you've been on the road dog and you've been in west virginia i've not been to biscuit world oh it's their franchise they have like 47 biscuits biscuits world i think it's like attorneys general. 47 biscuits world. And it's only in West Virginia. And then there's like one in Louisiana where they ship the biscuits. No, you're gonna have to start going to

in that part of the world, Wawa. What's a Wawa? Wawa is like a big gas station that has a great deli in there. You get a good sandwich. Turkey, you guys don't like Turkey here. It's not a big thing here. We don't have- Eat some Turkey.

Wasn't Wawa the first word that Helen Keller said when she came back from being deaf? That's a fucking ruse. Isn't it? What? I believe she was a eugenicist as well. She was, yeah. But then she renounced it later on. Did she?

Yeah. I like to think she never said anything. And the handler was just like, Helen, regrets. Yeah. The handler was like, you're Sam, who's just making, ah, Helen regrets. Yeah, the handler was like, you're Sam, who's just making edits to fit the fucking.

This podcast never goes out. This is all, this is a vanity project. We should go, we should go and do something before the show. Otherwise you'll be, I'll be too mentally taxed.

Yeah, yeah, I've been talking a lot. It's been an honor and a privilege. Thank you for having me. Thank you for being here. Congratulations, Sam, on your pending nuptials.

Sam T. As a Fizz member, you can look forward to free data, big savings on plans, and having your unused data roll over to the following month. Every month. At Fizz, you always get more for your money. Terms and conditions for our different programs and policies apply. Details at Fizz.ca.

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Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines.

And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jessie Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch,

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