The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Set Sail

Episode Date: January 1, 2024

Join the sailing club to contribute financially to James Donald Forbes McCann's journey to boat ownership : https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccannBuy one of the several books written by James Donald Forbes McCann: https://www.jdfmccann.com/books Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered.

Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push.

Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime. Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back. CBC News brings the story to you as it happens. Hundreds of wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. This situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know.

CBC News. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show.

I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com When the building is on fire and you can't get to the door,

and debris is falling all around and you are not able to breathe anymore, leap. Leap out the open window. Everything else is certain death. It is not bravery. It is the only option you have left. And when the land is violent and turbulent the dirty wave, take up sharp footing on the sea. Embrace the water. The water saves. The water saves. Have you ever violated or engaged in a conspiracy to violate any law relating to controlled substances?

I did once accidentally cross the South Australian border with fruit. And they're pretty strict about that. But when I realised my mistake, I immediately put that fruit in a plastic bag and disposed of it safely I actually don't remember if I really did that did I do that because I don't remember what fruit it is but I have some memory of putting fruit in a plastic bag and putting in the bin and feeling like I'd done something wrong so I assume that's what happened anyway I don't think that's what US customs means i think they mean have you swallowed a condom full of cocaine and i have not done that so we'll click no all right are you coming to the u.s to engage in prostitution i wouldn't say that was the purpose of my visit

um no that's not what i'm coming to do Even though show business is a kind of prostitution, it could be argued. Next one. Do you have a mental or physical disorder that poses or is likely to pose a threat to the safety or welfare of yourself and others? I don't think so. But surely a truly insane person wouldn't know that they had become dangerously insane. wouldn't know that they had become dangerously insane. Yes, my wife is just saying, some people would say that your decision to take us to America would put us all at risk.

Yeah, I mean, what sane person does pack up their family and move them to Appalachia? Nah, I think any mental disorders I have are benign. If not benign, what's that word that starts with a B that means nice? Benevolent. Yeah, I think they're benevolent. What do you say, Japanese man who lives inside my head? You are beautiful and very sexy. Erotic, Japanese man who lives inside my head? You are beautiful and very sexy,

erotic, powerful man. Well, a very big domo arigato gozaimasu to you. Are you or have you ever been a drug abuser or addict? Is nicotine a drug? Is alcohol a drug? Is a cold and flu tablet a drug? Is four cold and flu tablets a drug. What if you wash them down with a bottle of white wine and take a hot bath? Surely that's not abuse. That's a bloody good time until your liver kills you at 30. And not that I do that. I'm actually, I do, I mean, so many people must smoke a marijuana cigarette and then fill this out and say, no, I've never done any naughty drug activity.

I've never smoked a marijuana cigarette. Not a one time. I've never had a vape marijuana vape. I've never had a marijuana tablet. I don't even wear hemp shirts. My mama told me that if I ever had marijuana, I would become schizophrenic. Because we had a strip schizophrenia in the family. And I later found out that she was uh possibly lying and that there was like one

great aunt who had postpartum depression this this was used as leverage to keep me off marijuana but it worked and i will consider telling the same lies to my very own children now have you ever committed or conspired to commit a human trafficking offense in the u.s or outside the u.s no i've never trafficked anybody i'm opposed to all sorts of trafficking from automotive to child sex have you ever knowingly aided abetted assisted or colluded feels like you could just say help there right have you ever knowingly aided abetted assisted or colluded with an individual who has committed or conspired to commit a severe human trafficking offense in the u.s or outside the u.s that's a long that's that's worded very strangely because

right yeah no you don't honey it just, have you helped them at all? So they could traffic humans in their, you know, that's their main job, and then at night we play in a jazz band together, nothing to do with the child human trafficking, and I've helped them, maybe I've gotten them a drink. That's knowingly. Yes. Well, exactly. And that's why I don't play jazz.

Keep me away from any human traffickers. Are you the spouse? Here's another weird one. Are you the spouse, son, or daughter of an individual who has committed or conspired to commit a human trafficking offense in the U.S. or outside the U.S.? And have you, within the last five years years knowingly benefited from the trafficking activities. So the word and there means that only one of those, like if only one of those two things is true, that's fine. So if your dad commits human trafficking or thinks about it, and you never make any money from it, hey, don't worry about it. You turned down the proceeds of the trafficking. Congratulations. from it hey don't worry about it you turned down the proceeds of the trafficking congratulations but like if you have profited from human trafficking it's just not a close relative

who's helped you out like if your cousin has done it and bought you a mercedes with yeah i think that one would be okay either way the answer is no do you seek to engage in terrorist activities while in the u., or have you ever engaged in terrorist activities? Yeah, I mean, just imagine someone saying yes there. Imagine that being the hurdle you come into contact with while trying to perpetrate a terrorist attack. For what kind of person values innocent human life less than filling out a form correctly? Have you ever or do you intend to provide financial assistance or other support to terrorists or terrorist organizations? I don't think so.

I don't know what Coca-Cola does with the money I give them, but I wouldn't be shocked if the people at Coca-Cola were funding terrorism. with the money I give them. But I wouldn't be shocked if the people at Coca-Cola were funding terrorism. You know, in some tropical nation to keep the price of sugar down if the government gets out of line.

People make fun of this form all the time. I've definitely heard this form made fun of before. And so it becomes hackneyed to poke fun at the form. No one would ever say that. Why would you ever say that? But that doesn't make it any less difficult or embarrassing to fill out and because of all the kids this has to be

filled out for all the kids i've got to fill this out for three kids i've got to ask hey have any of my kids been involved in a genocide let me ask the baby that's the next one, by the way. Have you ever ordered, incited, committed, assisted, or otherwise participated in a genocide? We definitely have friends who would answer yes to that question, right? Like lefties living on stolen Ghana land. Yeah, as settler colonialists, as whites in Australia. yeah, as settler colonialists, as whites in Australia, that is, at very least, I would say, assisted.

Benefited? Participated? Benefit's not one of them. You can benefit from a genocide, that's fine. Someone else just has to do it. But you have to participate in it. Do we participate? I'd say we resist. I tried to go on that Aboriginaloriginal rally once and uh got got the

wrong location so i would say that was that was an attempt to not comply have you committed ordered incited assisted or otherwise participated in extrajudicial killings political killings or other acts of violence. That one de-escalates very quickly. Yeah, other acts of violence. I did kick a boy in the nuts at school. No extra judicial killings, but I do have to click yes because of a tussle I had in the ninth grade, which is what they call it there. They call them grades, I think.

Have you ever engaged in the recruitment or use of child soldiers? No. But if anyone wants to put my children in a military academy, I would think about it. Have you, while serving as a government official, been responsible for or directly carried out particularly severe violations of religious freedom? Well, I've never served as a government official that's it let's not rule it out in the future we don't know what i'll be capable of after the

revolution have you ever been directly involved in the establishment or enforcement of population controls forcing a woman to undergo an abortion against her free choice or a man or a woman to undergo sterilization against his or her free will uh no i only perform enforced sterilizations on the non-binary no look i actually think people should be prevented from being sterilized against their free will. That's just one of the many ways I plan to execute particularly severe violations of religious freedom in the future. When I have power. Alright, let's start the show. Prepare yourself. Prepare yourself.

You potentially unprepared listener. For one man's indefatigable yearning for boat ownership. Behold, behold, behold, behold, behold. The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. It's, man, a lot of stuff's happened since last I recorded a podcast. I caught myself today in a Dunedin library. last I recorded a podcast. I caught myself today in a Dunedin library. I looked in the mirror and I saw wrinkles where wrinkles were not a week ago. It's been, I think my hair's falling out. I can feel it on the top of my head. It's a stressy time, but no one ever said emigrating

to the United States was easy. It's difficult to do. If you're going to do it legally, it's difficult to do. If you're going to smuggle yourself across the border, but we're doing it. We're having a great time doing it. Some big changes actually in my life since last we spoke and some things I didn't know about that I should update you on. First thing I should say is on previous episodes, I speak at length about how I'm going to get rid of all the episodes and move them behind a paywall and it's going to be a monthly show and it's not going to be weekly anymore. And that was my plan until about a week ago when in Auckland, I found out that I wasn't actually going to be able to do the job that I thought I was going to America to do, which is not great. that I thought I was going to America to do,

which is not great, but on the positive, lots more free time for the catamaran plan. So the catamaran plan continues with more energy and vigor, positivity and strength. And a couple of weeks ago I was, oh, I was on the Patreon. I was doing the special Patreon episode for Sailing Club members. If you join the Patreon, you get to hear those episodes. And I was just having a big mopey moan. And I got a really

wonderful message that I'd like to read out now. So I was moaning about all the visas and the money and the outrageous fortunes, slings and arrows, blah, blah, blah. And this person wrote this message. James, I am disheartened that your adventure to America has been less than smooth. Rest assured, there's a labour shortage, so while you may not be quick to monetise your art, you won't starve here. If you're willing to work, maybe accept some discomfort, which you obviously have been, you certainly won't starve. I just, I will, I will just quickly say the only, on the visa that I'm on, I can't work unless I'm monetizing my art. That's the only grounds on which they've allowed me to have a visa. So if it is hard to monetize my art, well, they won't starve.

We'll be surrounded by great people. And Americans have a wonderful, man, I wasn't even especially worried about my family starving. I just, I was worried about making it quickly, but starving. Yeah, what if we starve? All right. So then they've written some valuable things to consider. Number one, humans are literally built to struggle.

If we're not struggling, we literally just shrivel and die. Clearly the person who wrote this is not a Buddhist, and I respect that. No Schopenhauer around here. Number two, to quote Pope Benedict, the world offers you comfort, but you were not made for comfort. You were made for greatness. I do like that quote a lot. And number three, Matthew chapter seven, I think Jesus asks us, who among you by worrying will add a single day to his life? I do. Yes. Who am I to contradict the Lord? The message goes on.

Do not despair. Do not seek the easy path. Do not stop trying. Do not worry. It's in the struggle that we add meaning to our lives and that of our progeny. We named our children after their grandparents, not because of the ease with which they forged our opportunity, but in honor of the great struggle and sacrifice they endured and acknowledgement that our great fortune is a direct

result of it man how great is the fortune of the person who wrote this letter i just sort of thought that my fans would mostly be poor because i've i've been to my own shows and i've seen the way we all dress maybe i should focus on getting more wealthy fans. I mean, this one wealthy fan has written me this very beautiful letter. Show me a wealth of kindness. The letter goes on. I should add, as my wife and I enjoy our vacation in Florida, Americans love foreigners with a positive demeanour and work ethic. We're three generations removed from our immigrant forefathers

and because of our immigration heritage, revel in foreigners who embrace the struggle and culture well thank you for that wonderful wonderful message and i'm going to take it to heart in australia we don't really like the hard-working foreigner what we like is the person who understands you don't have to work that hard. Don't take things too seriously. But not so in America. Put in the hard work. Over time.

Hustle in. Come on, grind. People in America take things very seriously. Not everybody in America, obviously. The home of contemporary nihilism. But there is a component of the population that really does get behind this civil, military virtue. Short haircut, hard work, get up early in the morning, wake up at the crack of dawn, hustle. Go for a big run and eat lots of raw eggs.

Practice the guitar until your fingers start bleeding. I mean, sometimes you hear a rapper talk about their career like people talk about being in the Marine Corps. I was in the studio 15-hour days. I made 57 beats every day, all summer. 15 summers in a row I was in the studio 15 hour days. I made 57 beats every day all summer. 15 summers in a row I was making beats. Baby, I put in my 10,000 hours. You know, that's what Men in Black's all about. That's what the movie Men in Black is all about. It's like, what does Will Smith have in common with Tommy Lee Jones?

They both want to be the best of the best of the best, sir. Will Smith doesn't say it like that. He finds it funny. But they both subject themselves to horrifying ordeals for greatness. Maybe actually that's not what... Is that what Men in Blacks amount? That's what Rush Hour is about. Anyway, it's what America's about.

So I'm willing to make an affirmation right now. Affirmation! I affirm that I will at very least endeavor to give the impression that I'm working very hard when I'm in America. I don't really want to work very hard, but other people don't have to know that, and I can keep that to myself. It's a facade.

If there's a second thing that as an Australian I'm uncomfortable with, that Americans seem to like, it's sentimentality. And I'm going to be sentimental for a moment, both because I want to be and because it's a shameless pander to the new nation to which we are moving for again. I don't know how long. We had a very hard couple of weeks leading up to leaving Australia.

The visa appointment time turned out to be a week earlier than we had planned. We had to do it a week earlier. So we lost a week in packing up the house. We didn't get to say proper goodbyes to people. So I'm sorry if you're one of the people we didn't get to say a proper goodbye to. And so many people came over and helped us pack up the house. It was really wonderful to have just a whole community get around us and help us on our way. Like so much help and so many wonderful people that I couldn't help but ask myself repeatedly,

what the fuck are we doing? This is heaven. This is a foretaste of heaven. We're so happy here. heaven. This is a foretaste of heaven. We're so happy here. We know so many incredible people here

who love us and who we love. And apart from all the like mushy human stuff of you know, love and all that, I'm going to miss so many things about Australia. I'm going to miss being able to talk to strangers about football.

I can talk to strangers about football in America, but it'd have to be about football. I can talk to strangers about football in America, but it'd have to be their football. And I can't really have a conversation about the American football at the moment beyond I'm trying to understand what that's about and have them go, well, good on you for trying, champ. I'm going to miss meat pies and sausage rolls.

I'm having as many as I can here in New Zealand, a country that understands the power of the sausage roll. Although I found out they don't inject the sauce in. Like when you're at a bakery in Australia, the squeezy bottle sauce has a weird tip in it, which you insert into the meat pie and sort of inject. You give it a sauce enema. Well, we were at a cafe in the Botanic Gardens in Dunedin,

and I ordered a sausage roll. And they brought out the sauce, and it had the pointy thing, and I was at the table, and I injected the sauce in, and everyone looked at me like I'd gone, nah, nah. And I'd done the most disgusting thing they'd ever seen. I said, I'm just doing the sauce. They go, we've never seen that before. And then one of them tried it.

Andrew gave it a go. He said it was pretty good. I mean, he got it wrong and he squirted sauce everywhere. But he was happy with the otherwise. Ah, man, I'm going to miss proper beer. I'm going to miss wogs. I love wogs so much. Like my friend Amos Gill.

I mean, he's in America, so I'll have one wog in America. They have Greeks and Croatians and Italians in America and Lebanese people, but they're just that. They're just like Greeks and Croatians and Italians. They haven't congealed, as they have in Australia, into one disparate Mediterranean viscous wog. I know you can't say wog in the UK. It means something differently.

I wonder if you can say... I think in America they say wop, but that just means Italians. That's not the same. It's not. I love wogs. I love Australia. I love wogs. I love Australia. I love my country.

I'm so sick. We're watching a lot of the New Zealand news at the moment. I came here and I watched the New Zealand news like six, seven years ago. So it is quite late and I do have to go to bed. I watched the New Zealand news when I Zealand news like six, seven years ago. So it is quite late and I do have to go to bed. I watched the New Zealand news when I was in town six, seven years ago. And one lady, she used a Maori word, a Maori word. And the nation went into an uproar. How dare she have said a Maori word on television?

Post-COVID, there's so much Te Reo Maori language on television. Every third word is a Maori word. They just say whānau, like it's nothing. Kia ora koutou, all the time. And just some of it, I said to my wife, I said, what is that? This is what a white news presenter's talking and he's saying Maori words.

And I said to my wife, what did he just say? And she'll go, she usually knows did he just say and she'll go she usually knows all of them but she'll go she's doing tonight she goes i have no idea what that one was they're pulling out some new stuff they the maori language stuff here is so they're doing so much maori language stuff they're bringing in maori words for things that were invented after Europeans arrived. Like the lift today. The big letters on the lift, it wasn't elevator. It said Arawera.

Arawera. There's just no way that there was a Maori word for elevator. Like that feels like something that should have entered the lexicons. Like both Iwi and Kiwi should have had the new when they figured out the lift in 1932 or whenever they got the lift now i know it was early in that because i watched that movie kate and leopold with hugh jackman i think he i think meg ryan helps him invent the lift i haven't seen that movie in a long time but uh no she doesn't help him shake and shake the ketchup bottle none will come and then a lottle that's from that movie i was talking to my wife about this and she i said it shits me that they are putting in maori words for non-maori things

things that maoris couldn't have had a word for and she said oh i it. That's my favorite bit. And I said, what do you mean? She said, like a motoka. I said, what's motoka? And she said, motoka. I thought that was cute. And then we walked up the steepest street in the world as a family. Dunedin is lovely. Dunedin is wonderful. It's so blue.

It's so warm at the moment. I cannot say enough nice things about Dunedin is wonderful. It's so blue. It's so warm at the moment. I cannot say enough nice things about Dunedin. It's one of the most beautiful places in the world. And frankly, I'm glad that there's been long-term economic decline because it's allowed them to hold on to some really beautiful architecture. It's the Adelaide of New Zealand. I know that technically Christchurch is the Adelaide of New Zealand, of New Zealand.

I know that technically Christchurch is the Adelaide of New Zealand, but, you know, in a way, Dunedin is the Christchurch of New Zealand. Think about that. I've got to go to bed. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I need you.

That's the first episode away. We're going to go at least one episode a week. I'm not in the too-long-didn't-read version of this podcast is. The podcast is going to keep coming out. I don't really have a job in America, I have to make it as a stand-up comedian very quickly, or my family will starve, yeah, I mean, we're still focused on getting the boat, but I, first, I mean, I can't work towards getting the boat if my family do stuff, so we're going to, number one, family not starving, lots of work. Going to really do a lot of comedy and do a lot of podcast and really grow the pod.

I'm trying to have some ideas on how to grow the pod. I've got some. Don't you worry about it. I've got some. Don't you bloody worry about it. I've got some ideas about how to grow this podcast. Hey, I've got some ideas. What are those ideas, Jimmy?

Nah, not now, not now. I'll tell you later. I love you, I miss you, I want you, I need you. Catamaran Ho. Keep it real. You're beautiful. I love you. It's good to be back.

I feel like that Dublin thing was maybe a mistake. I think that whole Dublin arc, I don't want to go back and listen to it, but I think they were probably the worst episodes I've done. In hindsight, it was a difficult time and I should have paused the podcast, but instead I persevered. The song Dublin Lady made in profits, I think, about two and a half cents and I don't think we've managed to pick up any new people from Dublin.

All right, I've got to stop. It's too late. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I need you. Catamaran new people from Dublin. All right, I've got to stop. It's too late. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I need you. Catamaran ho. Ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao.

Oh, I'll read you a quick poem. I'll read you a poem. I'll read you a poem that my wife, it's not my wife's favorite poem, but it's good to be writing poems again. Because after the book came out, I didn't write a poem in a long time, and I thought, oh, maybe I'll just never write another poem, but here we go, new poem, Mozgiel Laundromat, from the Mozgiel, Mozgiel, I've got to know how that's said before I put it in a poem, Mozgiel is a suburb in Dunedin, alright, so, from the Mozgiel Laundromat, the hills look like a woman's breasts, as though an enormous green woman has laid down and is arching her back, and the laundromat is nestled in the pubic area, and one can look up at the breasts from the warm, damp throb of the laundromat.

head, it is much larger than the other one, so much so that conceivably, yes, I can see how they might not look all that much like breasts to other people, like women, for example, but viewed another way, they very much do look like a woman's breasts, as indeed all things in a set of two at least sort of look like a woman's breasts, perhaps a woman with profoundly asymmetrical, non-breast shaped breasts. And yes, even one thing all on its own does not infrequently also look like a breast. Keep it real. I'll talk to you soon. Much love. Catamaran Ho. Set sail. America. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. America, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9.

Learn more at store.google.com. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.