The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - The Franchise (sneak Patreon peak)

Episode Date: January 8, 2023

New episodes will be coming out on the Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.com. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! Hey! Welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. This is a very special episode because it's a sneak peek into the new podcast that I've started releasing on the Patreon.

If you go and you sign up to the Patreon, you'll be getting a new episode of this podcast every week. It's called The Franchise. And my idea is that I'm going to franchise my stand-up comedy to different festivals. Namely, number one, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, the biggest fringe festival in the world. I don't want to go. I don't have time to go. I don't have the energy to go.

I don't have the money to go. But I found a wonderful woman, Eve Ellen Bogan. She's going to go for me and do my stand-up comedy dressed as a James Donald Forbes McCann impersonator. It's a beautiful story that unfolds over on the Patreon. The idea came to me when I was talking to Aidan Taco-Jones in an episode that can never be released because I listened back to the audio and my microphone was broken

for that interview and that interview only. Does that augur well for the future? No! You know what else doesn't augur for the future? I've had a number of drinks this evening, but I hadn't had a number of drinks when I recorded this podcast. So this is the sneak peek full first episode of the franchise with the wonderful Eve Ellen Bogan. It's just going to start playing. And if you want to hear more episodes coming out... Excuse me a little bit. Oh, another one.

There we go. If you want to hear new episodes every single week, go and sign up to the Patreon. 50 people have signed up to the Patreon already. Isn't that wonderful? And I am happy to announce, before we go on with the sneak peek, that I did indeed manage to accomplish what I set out to do. All of the mugs have now been delivered to their owners.

And I didn't have a heart attack, which is what I was frankly afraid of would happen when I got rid of the final mug. I have too many weird thoughts to be allowed to run my own businesses. I can have the ideas, but someone else has to do the actual handing out of things, because I develop complexes. But if I can actually get rid of all the mugs, maybe I'll have a heart attack and die. So they're out now, and Loz has been recompensated for her painting, because I haven't found the painting,

so I just paid her for it. And if I find the painting, she can have that and the money. Win, win, win, win, win. But now, here's the franchise with Eve Allenbogan. I'm James Donald Forbes McCann. Go sign up to the Patreon. Thank you very much. God bless you. God keep you. Who's that? Who's? Mal, is that you? Mal and Meg, do you want to be on this episode of the podcast? No, it's just my stage voice. I can talk in a more relaxed fashion. I'm sorry.

No, you sure? I'm about to play a special Patreon-only episode that I recorded already with Eve Ellen Bogan because I'm too drunk to do a full episode on my own. Is there anything you'd like to say to as many as 300 people? 300 people? It's my father-in-law, Malcolm. That's more people than I've ever spoken to in my whole life.

Well, you're doing it now, Malcolm. And Meg. Meg, you're an onion. You've got layers. I have something sincere to say. Yeah? Yes. Listeners, good on you for tuning in.

You're the start of a wave, a tidal wave. Yeah, we're all massively drunk. It's been great to be here. Malcolm made margaritas tonight, and they are strong in the traditional Mexican style. But I said on the last podcast I was going to try and drink less this year, and it's been a massive failure. That's true. But I didn't smoke.

Everyone else was smoking, and I stayed off the darts. But I'm going to go and feel bad about that for the rest of the night. All right. I'll feel good about it tomorrow, but not tonight. Tonight I'll just wake in a fever dream thinking about how much I love cigarettes. Gee, they're magical. Meg, you stayed off the darts. Yes, and I recommend it.

Meg, you've got an album. Yeah, Malcolm, you've enjoyed it. Meg, you've got an album coming out soon. Yes, in about three years I'll have it finished but I have a single coming out. Oh! How can people find it? Once Malcolm finishes editing it

I'll let you know. Is that true? Are you doing the editing? No. It will be on Spotify. It will be on Spotify and can I link to it when it comes out?

Yes, absolutely. We'll push it. Well, listen to it first and see if it's good. I don't know but you seem like a lovely lady. I'm sure your music would be excellent. Alright, here we go push it. Well, I'll listen to it first and see if it's good. I don't know, but you seem like a lovely lady. I'm sure your music would be excellent.

All right, here we go. Here's the interview with Eve Ellenbogen now of the franchise. The new episode. Sign up to the Patreon. You can hear extra episodes. Malcolm, thank you very much for the margaritas. Thank you, mate. We'll see you tomorrow.

We'll see you tomorrow. And you, dear listeners, I'll see you after I start playing the new episode. Thank you. That was to you guys over there. And to the listeners. It was a double thank you. Bye, bye, bye. Now it's recording.

Yes. Okay, so I came to America, and we got to hang out, and I got all these American listeners and Patreon people. And I've built... Yeah. Someone followed me. He saw a picture of you

uh is it can i can i interrupt with this by the way please yeah so okay so somebody followed me he saw a picture of me um i'm sorry he saw you with shane gillis yeah then he went through to your um instagram and then you had reposted a photo of me and you and he followed me. And then he started like sending me responses to, um, and he's going to kill you. No, but then he was like, by the way, I put something up and he said, just so you know, I followed you. I haven't heard your comedy before.

I just think you're really cute. And I was like, excuse me, hello? What? Who are you? And he lives somewhere like so far away. But we like flirted for a while before I found out that he lived far away. And it was like, thank God for James McCann. Because the truth is, I'll take a guy

who wants to sleep with me over someone who thinks I'm funny. I'll do it. And look, and he's far away. So there's no temptation to get bogged down in a difficult relationship. Well, there's no risk of being stalked. Do you know what I mean? Because then I've had people who are like...

Well, he'd have to be very committed. Yeah, he can't disappoint me by killing me. You know what I mean? I like to think that you think that the desire to kill you would be so low that someone wouldn't spend $300 on a plane ticket. But no, no, no. I live too far away. I live too far away.

You're right. You could still disappoint me that way. Okay, so sorry. So you got all these American followers. I did. I got American followers and I was talking to Aidan about Edinburgh because I have almost no one in the UK. And I'm trying to buy, but the podcast is I'm trying to buy a boat.

And so I'm trying to get information about the podcast out to enough people. So I get enough listeners that the ad revenue pays for a boat. And so I now have American people and that's great. Uh, but it would be good to have, you know, just to knock off the English speaking countries. And I was like, right, Edinburgh, Aiden was here. We were talking about Edinburgh. He's a, you know, Edinburgh, uh, pig. He loves it. He he just like a like a hog in slot he can't get enough right he's kicking all the time he has the free fringe and we spoke about that and i was like how many fans could i get out of edinburgh like right maybe patreon people or whatever and he was like like a some i forget the number he said but let's say it's like 20 like 20 i thought you were gonna

i thought you're gonna be be like 100,000. I thought he was like really optimistic, but he said not a lot. He was like, people will enjoy the show. But in terms of like people who might pay you on going after Edinburgh with a Patreon or something, it's probably not going to be a huge number. And it's like, that's a full month of my life. I got these three kids. I can't spend a month in Edinburgh for what is what is likely to be fair i don't have any

relationships there and have to build them up it's hard so here's the idea that i've had right i'm really excited okay okay and this involves you from here because you're going to edinburgh and you'll have a show and you're looking at maybe having a second show somewhere yeah i was thinking about having a solo show called so far working working title is, Dead Mom Stuff and Other Fun Stories. I like it. Yeah, I just wanted to leave room to not talk about my dead mother. Just like dead mom stuff, but also other things, you know, like sex. And then, or both, baby.

And then I was thinking about, at the suggestion of our mutual friend Peter Jones, I was thinking about at the suggestion of our mutual friend Peter Jones I was thinking about having like a showcase slash line up show

yes just to like be able to fuck around and do stuff that doesn't feel high pressure well I think having a second show

is also financially if you're doing the free free the costs to get over there and to live are the same and then doing that second show can sometimes make life worthwhile,

I think. I've never done the festival. That's just what people say. Yeah, I might have a breakdown, but I also think that it could be really fun. I don't know. You leave the UK, you leave Australia. Over there, it's just like, if you're funny,

it rains comedy on you. In New York, I'm just like, I'm just a little sea slug in the big city. But at least you get to do that in New York. There are people doing that in L.A. And then also they have to live in L.A. And that's very hard. You hate L.A.

You really hate L.A. I am moderating my opinion on L.A. because I hung out at the end of my trip there with some people with money who drove me around and that was much nicer than walking with the poor but uh I can really see that it's a really driving if you're rich city so here's my idea I'm gonna give you the idea okay and you might not want to do it but you're the first person I thought you'd be great and if you don't want to do it other people can do it but you'd I think be the best one my thought is to spare me actually having to go to Edinburgh and, you know, make the connections and grow the...

I will franchise my act. I will have a James Donald Forsmccan costume, an hour of the best James Donald Forsmccan jokes and hire someone who will get the money from the show, but just hand out the flyers is all I really... You know, just to grow the podcast, to introduce people to my work, a James Donald Forbes McCann impersonator. Oh my God.

Okay. And so you're wanting me to impersonate you? Yes. And you don't actually have to do an impression. You just put on a red wig, pretend glasses. I'll give you a little silk scarf to pretend to look and do my act. Do you wear a silk scarf? Sometimes I wave a silk scarf.

I'm trying to figure out what the look is. Maybe a tweed jacket. But there'll be a look. Maybe like a pillow under the belly to give you the real fat James McCann, you know, dad bod. Well, I did gain like 10 pounds in a month not long ago. You've gained it in all the right areas. I need you to have this in the wrong areas. Wait, so this is kind of like,

what was Andy Kaufman's manager's name again? Have I stolen this idea? No, no. Did you ever see the movie? No. He would always dress up as his manager, but like his fake manager. Or his friend, Tony whatever.

And he would do a pretend opening act. Right, and he'd be like really mean. And then after he died, the final scene, if you haven't seen the movie, Man on the Moon, I don't care. I'm ruining it. He would, in the movie, he's already dead. And then that person is still on stage

at the comedy store in LA. And they're like, is he really dead? But anyway, the point is, sorry, that, yeah, similar to that. Did that keep happening? I don't think so. I think, like, maybe. I mean, who even knows if it happened, you know? It's just one of those things that it's, like, a great end to a really good movie.

Okay, so you want me to dress up as you. So you want me to dress up as you and like with like a wig and a scarf and like a suit and the sweat beads, which would be summer. If you could look very unhealthy, I'd really appreciate that. Because the last time I saw you was here. Can I say what I said to you on the Staten Island Ferry? Do you remember what I said to you when we were standing outside? We said so many things, but you can, you can, yeah. Remember when I had a moment of like, I confronted you as a friend as a friend when you said oh you've got a real stink on you

i said to you we were like in the chill autumn air of new york in the in the wind like it was there's no windier spot than the front of the sun island ferry and yet i was like james you are ripe you need to do something about how you smell right now. I bought a shirt. I bought a shirt in Staten Island so that you didn't have to endure it. That's true. I think you told me that you only had one shirt in New York until you bought that second shirt. Is that right?

Yeah. And then when I went back to Manhattan, I bought that first shirt again. I went back to the, because it was like an eight dollar shirt and i thought it was really cool so i now have two sizes of that shirt but you could just wash it you know like no i could i could i was um i was between homes at that point and it wasn't a bathing thing like you were bathing it was just the shirt uh you know i i have sensitive skin so i don't put a lot of deodorant on and And I had been walking a lot. It was a very hot day.

But you were still showering daily. Oh, man. Yeah. Right? I don't know that I shower well. You know, this haunts me only because when I got back to Adelaide, I was opening at the – I was doing a gig for a guy, and the venue manager came over and said,

mate, I'm going to go to my car because I've got some deodorant there, and the way you smell might actually upset some of the audience. No was after i saw you that was after you saw me so now i have now taken i'm taking more strenuous steps to not smell uh bad you know but i don't think you generally do i think it was i think it's just combination of no no i mean how many times does it have to happen how many times does it have to happen to go well but, but I don't think it's like, oh my God, you stink. I think it's like, okay, you got to shower every day. You got to wash those pits, wear some deodorant and wash and launder, launder or change shirts.

No, you're right. There are ways around it, but it's also that I've become a fit man. There are ways around it. And this is not a problem that I, this is not something that I had earlier on in my life. And it's as I've gained people, you know, oh, the body positivity movement. I'm glad that people feel good about themselves, but as I get fatter, I become stinkier.

And I think the answer is just an overall life. No-one talks about that. You become... I mean, the fat, stinky person is a trope. But now that I'm becoming... I've become more fat, I have become more stinky. And something has to be done about it. But don't you feel the need to be stinky at the Edinburgh show

to give people the full experience? That's how we got to this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, I just want to point out that I'm a really good friend because people don't say that and I tell my friends

if they need to brush their teeth, but like nicely. But brushing your teeth is harder because it's hard to say, hey, your mouth stinks like shit. But yours didn't. But not that I got that close. But maybe it was covered up by the waft of your armpits.

I'm playing 3D chess out here. I'm not letting anyone know about the halitosis because the rest of my BO is so bad. Eve, will you do it? Will you consider it? Will you consider doing it? I will consider it. So I can bathe. As long as I can bathe and as long as the costume that you send me has been clean.

We can work on the costume together. I'll consider it. I mean, financially. Yep. This seems like the weirdest thing. No, here's a question I would ask you. Okay. Would it have to be a full hour of your show?

Or what if I was doing my lineup show and I did a set as you and explain to the audience? Do you know what I mean? Because that would be a third. Would it have to be every night or can it be like several different, because sometimes you can do like four shows

the whole festival for a certain show. Do you know what I mean? That's true. So how many, how often were you thinking, like how long was each set? I was thinking an hour long show

for a full run. An hour show for a month. You want me to do, you want me to do an hour show every day for 30 days. And so in addition to my two other shows you want me to be you well but what but what's your what's my take you're like but you can keep

the money is that what you're saying i was gonna say yeah i was gonna say you can get my free show people hand in people hand money in at the end right well if they enjoy it, and this sounds like a fucking acid trip. Why would people not enjoy this show? This is the number one show on the fringe. Or so I do believe. But it'd have to be in the free fringe, and it would be... I mean, you could also... I don't mind you throwing in some of your own jokes. Money?

Okay. No, if it was... If during a line-up show, you were thinking you wanted to do a line-up show so that you could do, like, ten minutes of new every night. Right, right, if during a line-up show you were thinking you wanted to do a line-up show so that you could do like 10 minutes of new every night. Right, right. Or, you know, whatever it is you'd get in a line-up show. I'm not opposed to, in the James Donald Forbes McCann show, there being an opening act called Eve who gets to do her new jokes

and her new things before she comes out for 45 minutes and does the James McCann impression. That's an option too. So it's just about making it work for you. This is so funny. But I think you'd be the funniest one. I think you'd be the funniest person to do it. You've got the best delivery.

Really the closest delivery to my delivery on stage of anyone who was in the Melbourne comedy scene that I can think of. Wait a minute. Okay, but I feel like you're like tickling my pickle a little bit here yes i am baby i'm out to tickle a pickle because like i mean i am like i obviously you know i think like you're one of my favorite australian comics i'm exceptional yeah, yeah. You also have the confidence of just like a newborn naked child

screaming who's like, I just shit myself and yet I demand to be loved. And then the kid is loved. Getting a lot of that at the moment. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So you have this wild confidence

that works. It does work. Do you know what I mean? Like, it really works for you. You've got a wild confidence. Now, come on now now you're always bending over and exposing yourself i'm a shy it's not true it's not true i have not exposed my i you've walked i've never seen anyone walk people in melbourne except for you and it was bold and beautiful i remember i got up after you where at a gig in the inner north of mel, and there were six people in that audience when you went on stage,

and there were three when you got off. But it was great. It was a thrill. I don't think I've ever walked anyone in my life. Oh, it happened. Maybe they left after you left the room. Probably they left after me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They definitely wouldn't have gotten up. People don't get up during my set because they're afraid of me um but they might have gotten up i'm a i'm soft sensitive people fear me that's so funny whenever i think whenever somebody gets up after my set which almost never happens because people just they come so hard during my set they don't want to get up because their pants are wet but whenever they get up after my set i tell myself it's because they've had enough like as in it was like this was so good it's not going to get any better that's how i explained it i've never thought of it as walking people but uh but you know sometimes in a good movie people will do that after the first act you know yeah they just leave i saw pinocchio the new pinocchio last night the it was great but there's this one scene where um i don't want to like ruin it but it's a great

scene but it's very dark right it's the same guy who did pan's labyrinth and there's one scene where um pinocchio is like literally on a crucifix about to be burned at the stake and there was a couple in like a couple rows in front of us that just got up and they were like, we can't do this anymore. Like, they just, and I was there with, do you know who Dan Smith is? Canadian comic, performs at the. One second, sorry, my garbage is about to be picked up. If we could just pause for one second while the garbage truck moves by.

I will wind up the window so that when the garbage spills out, it's not... Oh, no. I knew this would happen at some point. Actually, I do have to have a word with them, just because last time they only half-emptied the garbage bin. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, if you want to go have a word with them... No, no, stay with me.

Okay. Here we go. Hold on. See how it goes. I'll just have a look at how much falls out. It's a nappy on the street. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, let's see how we did.

Hold on. This is a very important part of the podcast. Well. Sorry, I was quickly pausing to look. Oh, you took all of it. You took all of it. Amazing. I was quickly pausing to look at a photo of me that someone tagged me in from New Year's Eve.

How was it? How did you look? This is, I looked terrible. I mean, my face looks okay, but I look totally pregnant. Like the angle. I'm like, it's the angle. It's not me. It's that the guy, you know, the guy who took it obviously hates Jews.

So that's why he. Okay. So Pinocchio basically. Surely there's enough anti-Semitism in the world for real now to not go that far. Oh, I know. That's true. It is very funny. Well, anyway. anyway um sorry i'll come back i'll come back to that you're okay so the show the show um i've never walked anybody now my delivery um is so far away from your delivery but i think i think there's a way it could be really fun i can tell

you right now i think it's too much of a commitment to do like the whole festival every day by the way you don't have to do it with my delivery you could do you do your delivery you do sassy new york no matter the delivery i think it's probably too much to do every day i think it would probably kill me because as it is it's like oh man am i gonna am i gonna die from doing this much in the festival but if i did if i added a third show yep if what if i could get other people as well to do some nights i think okay so that's a really good idea because you have so many comedian friends in the australian comedy scene i think what could be cool is to i mean wouldn't it be wild if you put on a show if you applied for this show technically you're the producer and you don't end up going and you have other people

as your co-producers and then we each take responsibility for different nights okay now hold on. Or weeks. Well, let's talk about this. So who do you know who's going to Edinburgh, who I also know? So like Peter Jones. Aidan Taco Jones. Aidan Taco Jones. Peter Jones. Peter Jones.

The Joneses. No relation for the Joneses. I can't believe I never put that together. Probably Adam Knox. I think Adam Knox is great. you guys have a certain similar he's taller than you yes we're heavyset gingers taller come on right right right and then luca muller is going is going is luca going he's too he's too successful now that he's a triple j nighttime presenter that's true well if he is a triple J. That's true. Well, if he doesn't go,

I'm also going to just claim that he doesn't like Jews. Now, I... I'm a philo-Semite, which is the good kind of problematic Jew relationship. Wait, I'm going to look up Pete, because Pete and I were messaging on Instagram about housing in Edinburgh. So I'm going to see if he because Pete and I were messaging on Instagram about housing in Edinburgh. So I'm going to see if he mentioned anyone else who's going. Okay.

No, he didn't mention. He said the boys. Okay, let's see. Let's look at my mutual friends with Pete. I don't think Andrew Portelli is going. I don't think Andrew Portelli is going. What about maybe Zach Dyer? I don't think.

I don't know. Oh, he's very funny. I'm trying to think who else was there. George DeMorellis. He was there. He's very funny. Very funny. But the thing is, hello. Follow me one time. Wait, is this the guy? Is that what guy is that what he does george zecharopoulos excuse me oh no no george dimorolos does um i don't know

he's uh he does like literary he has a whole show called like literary comedy or something he's very good yes yes and i think he up for like crime and punishment on the cover. Okay. Yes. Yeah. He's up for like wacky ideas. I'm looking at, oh, Kyle Legacy goes every year.

British. Now, as much as I love Kyle Legacy, I don't know that he's right for it. Yeah, you wouldn't want Kyle Legacy. You definitely wouldn't want him to do this. I doubt that Blake Freeman's going.

And even if he were, there's no way he would do this um he would go I'm gonna wait back with Blake why wouldn't say again

why wouldn't Blake do it Blake would be excellent I've always wanted to be oh mate oh mate

I don't know mate you know like he would just be like ah I've always wanted to be a fuckable 22 year old

I mean now he's like 27 but i know maybe he's like 25 26 he will always be a fuckable 22 year old in my eyes yeah um i met him when he was 17 he was so you know i was about to say supple but i won't say that i'll say just a splendid i'll say flexible. You could touch his toes very well. He was nubile. Yeah, exactly. He was so gentle.

Who else is going? Eve, these people all have some big problems. They're not you. I think you're the best one. Okay, so I could do it as part of a team, I think. I could do it as part of a team. Hold on, let's talk about this lineup show. Obviously, you should do a solo show.

You should do a solo show. Lineup show. New material show. Waste of time. You'll be doing spots around town. That's what the spots are for. Wasn't it you at the very beginning of this call who said that it was such a good idea that I was doing a line-up show? You were like, that's great. I said it was a good idea to do a second show. I think that should be the show that

I'm pitching you. I think this second show, if this pops off, this is such an off-the-wall idea. Maybe Stuart Lee hears about it, writes a little article in The Guardian. Next thing you know, you're on Graham Norton. You're hosting eurovision who knows what your life looks like after doing this you know what the crazy thing is the crazy thing is it's like part of me is like is he right you're so confident it reminds me of like donald trump only in the way that it's like it's like how um or if you've ever seen the fire festival documentary where it's like when someone's so confident, you're like, is he a genius? And you're like, well, he said I should murder people, but I just think he could be right.

I've often said I'm the Ja Rule of the Australian comedy scene. You're the Ja Rule. You're so convincing. And the thing is that sometimes it works out like i've seen you when i hung out with you in new york you were there because you had opened for shane gillis in australia yeah and who's like mega famous here and then and and were you how did you meet shane gillis I talked my way into getting backstage when someone else was opening in Adelaide. And then I flew to Melbourne to do the show.

I did. I heard this, but I didn't want to, I didn't want to tell you that I'd heard this. That's true. That did happen. Yeah. Yeah. So I heard that. So this is the thing.

You didn't know this guy. He's in Australia. Someone else is opening. You talk your way backstage. You convince him to let you open elsewhere. Then you open for him. Then he says, hey, man, probably just like, you know, like a side thing. Hey, man, if you're ever in New York, feel free to whatever.

And then the next thing you know, you're like, hey, I'm coming. I got one shirt. I sometimes sink a little bit. I'm just sitting on your fucking couch. And then you get on at the stand and you get on all these places. I can't get on at the stand. The stand was great. The stand was great. Let me tell you, when you get on the stand, and you get on all these places I can't get on at the stand the stand was great the stand was great

let me tell you when you get on the stand you're going to have a wonderful time oh yeah yeah one day one day when I fucking blow the janitor and they let me hold the microphone

I don't know I'm going to get on at the stand I met the janitor and he's hot frankly I think well alright

now you're selling it but I guess my point is listen you're gonna get on at the stand and I'm gonna get you what if I what if I could

if you do the full month what if I can get you on at the stand through Shane Gillis I don't know how maybe through my own magnetism at this point that would be

great but then it could also backfire where somebody gets mad at you being like you gotta put this chick on. And then somehow I get blacklisted. But let's see.

New York is such a very political comedy scene. Very political. I actually don't know the word. Yeah, yeah. I feel like that's playing with fire. I probably should get on the stand by like sending in a tape. You know, that might be my first approach. I think all of it is people walking you in.

I think it's showing up with somebody who's famous. But I know people who are on there. I go there often or, you know, semi often. But it's about, you know, that person being like, you got to put this person on. And this is a city of rats, you know, we're not out here helping each other. What was that?

That's a garbage bin outside. By the way, did you mention that you were in your car? Did you mention that in this recording? I don't know. It happens so often in my recordings that I don't even take the time to bother to say I'm in my car. And because the garbage truck is going past, I have my window up. So it's also extremely hot. In summer.

In Adelaide. In Melbourne. So my point is basically that i can't tell how what the idea if you're like a genius or if you're a madman take a few days take a few days to think about it i'm gonna get in touch with dan willis to see if they'll you know if people will even give me the room for this idea i'm gonna line it up but i think i think financially it's going to be a boon i can't tell i don't need to make any money out if all it does is build relationships and people like at the end of the show get a flyer going look up this man's work you've had a test see see what this is

pointing towards then i win right because i you know so and i wonder if there's a secondary but i know but i think you are more you're most interested in the crazy idea then like because i was saying what if there's a secondary idea for like if this show didn't happen for how to get your name out in the uk but that's not interesting to you is it you like the craziness i i really like the crazy idea and here's another thing i might send if i have enough, I might send my cinematographer over. Why wouldn't you go? To record some of it. Oh, to film it?

Yeah. To film some of it. Interesting. I haven't decided yet. So it's like me in your suit, sweating. But also you get to do your own editing. Really? Oh, crazy.

Like I can do your like that's a pretty good impression that's a pretty good impression really well you know I'm not the best with hygiene alright let's not ad-lib yet if we are gonna ad-lib you're like hey hey hey

wait till you said yes before you roast me well it's gonna be also at an hour. It's probably hard for someone to memorize like a bunch of different people, you know, for the payoff. Well, there's just no way I could do an hour. I mean, that's crazy. But I wonder if you could do an hour. I believe you were going to do this. Would you not?

Would it not also be funny to put people more in on the joke? Would it not also be funny for you to have video clips of you in the show okay well here's what here's one thing i thought is maybe the i write like an intro that's like so you come out dressed as me and you're like hello everybody i'm so sorry i can't be with you here tonight. I didn't want to come to Edinburgh, but I've got this beautiful woman saying all the words instead. She is like an avatar saying all the comedy that I wanted to tell you.

Please be very nice to her. Isn't she lovely? It'd be funny if I was like, it'd be funny if I was like reading off of cards and I'm like, this isn't even my real voice. I actually have an accent anyway this chick

is so hot i'd like to fuck her in the ass except that i'm a catholic i believe in the pope i have several children which is why i'm so poor um oh you're gonna be so good now this isn't an audition but i want to let you know you Eve, you've got the part. That's actually, I might do that next time I'm up at the stand. Hello, everybody. I'd like to fuck someone in the ass. I wish I could. I miss it.

It was great. I'm a Catholic. That is the Lord's hole. It's the opposite to the Lord's hole. Satan's hole. He doesn't want you going anywhere near that hole. That's hole satan's hole that's what you're going anywhere that's true that's true by the way just um i side note i was in the car with my dad and my stepmother on christmas and we were like we're very my dad and i we are the jews that would be on the wanted

posters if ever the past repeats itself you know and um like that's how jewish we look i mean the other day i was getting on the subway and a hasidic jew like you know like the woman who covers her hair with a wig because she's so religious and her husband has a cross she just looked at me and she goes and i had my scarf covering half my face and she goes happy hanukkah and i was like god damn it how did you how do they know but so my dad and my stepmother my stepmother's not too much but but she you know she's a Jew lover um so we're in the car on Christmas day and um and my dad and I were joking around singing some kind of Christmas whatever and I go oh hold on a second and I pull out my phone and I pull up the clip of you um and my dad's 88 by the way he's an older man yeah yeah I saw you and him at the opera

he looks incredible yeah yeah what was the song that you put up that I love so much when you that you were on the piano oh the Christmas thing

yeah what's the which Christmas song I don't know which one you liked the one you stopped and opened your time oh Silent Night Silent Night yeah

I pulled up Silent Night and I put it on and they laughed so hard and I was like that and they laughed so hard. And I was like, that's my friend James McCann. He lives in Australia. And then I told him, I told them, you know, but the crazy thing is he's like actually so religious. And that is a real painting of the Pope in the background. And my dad was like, what?

This man? Because my dad also has a big beard. And so I think also he related to you in that way. And he's super atheist. So for you to be a Pope lover, a Pope fucker, I'm sorry. Honestly, if you were going to have a romantic fixation on any Pope, it would be John Paul II.

He was a good looking man when he was younger. We only knew him when he was older and had the Parkinson's. This is the guy who died recently? No, that was Benedict. He's also good-looking, but in a more, you know, he's the one you end up with at the end of the movie who was good all along, but you didn't have the wild, passionate, you know, lust for.

He's the one your parents approve of and the one you love. He's not James Dean on the motorcycle. Right, exactly. He of and the one you love. He's not James Dean on the motorcycle. Right, exactly. He's the safe one. He's the one who can pay the mortgage, but the one with your heart. That's the current guy, right? The one who supports gay marriage or whatever. It's hard to know what Francis believes, honestly.

But the Latin American spicy bad boy always saying crazy things. But I will say intellectually, Ratzinger, I think, was the bad boy. You know, it's just that, like, physically, he seems more a little, like, nice little. He actually was the Nazi, not the one I had in the war. The one I had in the war was the Pole. But Ratzinger, who died recently, was the... I mean, he was... It was Germany at the time.

I think you sort of had to, you know, obviously, not good. We can't all be handing out leaflets and getting shot. That's what I want in a Catholic, you know, someone was in a good... We can't all be handing out leaflets and getting shot. That's what I want in a Catholic, you know, someone who's a Nazi. Because, like, everybody was, you know. It's like, yeah, he believes in Jesus, except when it's, like, not, you know. Eve, I'm anti-Holocaust. I don't want you having any... You know how you've got to, like, break a few eggs?

You've got to kill a few Jews, you know, just for... Well, like... No, I don't think we should kill any Jews, Eve. I'm gonna stick my neck out. I'm pro-Semite. And that said, I think Kanye is having a... I don't know how culpable he is for some of the things he's saying. He's saying some nutty things.

He's gone away now. Breakdown. Yes, the Jews have him in our little... He's saying some nutty things. He's gone away now. Yes, the Jews have him in our little... He's like somewhere buried in Israel. I mean, I think... He's like, Mossad has taken Kanye West away.

He's still compelling. Tell us, you know, what is it you have a problem with the Jews? You know, that's somewhere in Israel. I can say it. I'm a Jew jew but anyway i think um i don't really fault him for his antisemitism because he's just like losing his mind but um i don't think he reads either well that's that's he doesn't read it's not no it's not a rap wait to wait to what what you're about to know he goes i don't like reading all right i was gonna be like that yeah it's not a rap. Wait, to what? What were you about to say? No, he goes, I don't like reading. Oh, right.

I was going to be like that. I was like, you're a racist. That's what I was going to say. You're like, and he can't read. I'm like, uh-oh, here we go. I think he can read. I think he chooses not to read. He's like, my mind's too powerful for books.

I mean, but here's another guy with confidence, you know? I mean, you have confidence. Hitler had confidence. Kanye has confidence. Let's not pretend you don't have confidence too i reckon in the certain circumstances you could take over a small state you could execute a you know your enemies i don't know yeah but women i think i think part of having your period and feeling so much pain so often is that you and it just makes you empathetic. You're like, oh, like, just like you can't, if you're not on birth control, which I'm not, so I feel agony for days each month

and it really connects me to other people's suffering. So I don't think I could kill people. At least not, I don't know, unless it was while I was in pain, then maybe I could do it. I was about to say depends on the day my wife gets a very um that's why i keep impregnating her so that she doesn't get the periods they are wretched it's so bad it's shouldn't eat that apple labor yeah it's my fault

sorry it's easier for me no i've been eve the first eve the lady with the do you know what i mean yeah i don't know if Eve, you've got to do... I want you to do this show. Hold on. I'm too hot in this car and I'm going to pass out and I've been here for half an hour. And we can do another podcast and talk about the specifics. Okay. I'm going to give you the confidence spiel. I think you'd be so good. I think it'd be an exciting, weird

idea for a show. I think it would help people come to your show also and you'd get... I mean, it's about what is Edinburgh for? Right? mean, it's about, what is Edinburgh for, right? Like, it's about getting to some next level. Sometimes it's about having a nice time, but it's also like breaking down a door. That's how I think of it. Yes.

I think, okay. I think, says the guy who's like not going to Edinburgh. I think that you're like, I'll tell you what it's about. You know, I'll zoom in to the shows. No, I won't. No. Time difference. I think. you what it's about you know i'll zoom i'll zoom into the shows i know i want um no time difference i think so what so then there's like so i think it's like i'm kind of like um it's a whack-a-doodle idea that i'm like god that could be kind of crazy and fun but then i'm also like okay so then i would be there in august right like dying or whatever and then i'm like logistically like

who's gonna flyer for the show and like, those flyers have to be paid. And then the flyers themselves have to be printed. And all this stuff. And then if no one buys tickets, then you've got to bark people in and all this stuff. I will 100% pay for the costs. And if you're doing the show, I don't think it's fair that you also have to promote the show. I will pay someone to flyer the show. And to flyer your show at the same

time double sided flyer how do you like that now you're speaking my language a little bit so okay I want to make it worth your while because you'll be putting yourself out hit me with the questions alright so I guess I'm thinking about them I also am aware I don't want you to die

like a dog in a locked car on a hot day hold on the window is coming back down the garbage truck is gone the window is coming back I also am like aware. I'm like, I don't want you to die like a dog in a locked car on a hot day. Hold on. The window is coming back down. The garbage truck is gone. The window is coming back down. Suddenly, you're like red and then all of a sudden the color is going to drain from your face. Okay. So you totally look so much more fresh at the start of this. I feel I'm going to take my shirt off immediately after we're done.

Okay. So I think an hour is a lot it is a lot but i wonder if there's a way to do it where it would be video i think i think that you would get a lot more interest if you involve the audience on the joke and you included yourself you kind of um um put yourself into the show in certain points. Of course, the complicated part about this is that then you would need a room that had like a video, you know, like a screen or something. I think if they don't see me, that's good. But I think there could be pamphlets.

There could be some sort of voice recording. I think they could maybe receive a picture of me as a gift. Like the Pope? To look at. And yes, they can hold it up and they can look the picture while you're talking if they so choose but i think isn't it funny if it's like a like a like an impression or like you're doing you do you are doing the act like it's like the mcdonald'sification of the act right but i'll be doing an act of someone who they have never heard of yet that's the exciting part

right to you because you're not there but you are actually funny but me doing that impression might not be funny because i'm not a good impression person no here's another one accent i could never do that you don't have to do the impression you totally do your own voice your own rhythms here's something that I have already started doing. Okay. I should mention this. So there are two comedians in Australia who I'm currently in talks with and who have both agreed to do a trial show just as them doing it with an act.

Alessio Carducci in Melbourne. Do you know Alessio? Yeah, that doesn't surprise me at all. It's like, oh, Alessio willing to do a crazy thing. I mean, I know Alessio? Yeah, that doesn't surprise me at all. It's like, oh, Alessio, like willing to do like a crazy thing. Like, I mean, I think Alessio is great. I think that's like such a, like he's somebody who, if I said to him, you know what? I have this powder I found in the street on a bag on the subway. I don't know what it is.

The guy next to it was dead, but I don't know if it was his and that's why he died. Yeah, he'd be like, oh, yeah, yeah, mate, yeah, mate. You know? I'd like to try it. I think it was Ben Hunter. I think that's his name. I don't know. I don't think I know him.

In Brisbane. I always want to say Ben Knight, but it's not Ben Knight. No, no, no. Ben Knight wouldn't do that, yeah. And then I was thinking of a Perth one. Do you know Luke, Joseph Ryan, and Fran, his paramour, his beau? Oh, Fran Middle, Fran? Yeah.

Fran Middle. Yes. That was one option. I thought they could do it together. But I was thinking of everyone. Like, I thought Chris Shin would be very funny, a little Korean man. Hey, baby. I'm just here.

Sean Conway. is he hey baby i'm just here sean conway you know the thing is if you had different nights and different people doing it i mean it would also be funny because then you might get people coming in to see different people doing the show but a logistical if i can't go there i think it's a logistical nightmare and i think like do you know do you know Taka? Is his name Taka? Waka. Yeah, Taka. Oh, I love Taka. Yeah. I was going to ask him to do a Japanese version in Japan. That'd be so funny.

That would be good. Whatashi wa, James Donald Forbes McCann. So, okay, so give me an example of a joke. Tell me one of your jokes that I would do. I think that I sent, sent well my biggest one on the internet is i do uh it's on the internet well it did well on the internet it's too similar to a david cross bit i thought but other people didn't seem to mind and i didn't know it was similar to david cross bit at the time anyway it's like fool me once a shame on you fool me twice shame on me

fool me three times shame on me again i can't believe I allowed you to fool me three times. Fool me four times. Shame back on you. You're taking advantage of a vulnerable man. Fool me five times. And it just, there's like 15 of them. All right, so fool me once. Shame on you.

Because you do the little shame. Shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me. Fool me three times. Shame on me again. What am I doing? Like that. That on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me. Fool me three times. Shame on me again. What am I doing? Like that.

That's great. That's perfect. Fool me four times. You're taking advantage now. What are you doing? What's wrong with you? Where's your conscience? Fool me five times.

You're a criminal. Yeah, you get it. You basically get it. And I think if you just have the building blocks of the act. You get it. You get it. What's another one? What's another one I'm doing? You basically get it. No the act. You get it. You get it. What's another one I'm doing?

You basically get it. No, no. You get it. You understand the opinion. You know what I'm saying. What else? What's another bit? But then you do like, a fool me three times.

Like, it's like a little voice. Well, I can give you a list of my influences for all the bits. But I think it's the Kangs of comedy. It's all Steve Harvey and Bernie and bernie mack my big right okay so i can't wait to get and you'll be like you know what would go great with this is if you did blackface and i'm like perfect great i didn't say that you've said that well you implied it i uh it's just the voice it's just the rhythm i remember well mitch hetberg someone once told me that about mitch hetberg that he was doing black rhythms in a white accent

That's so funny I mean it's so funny that like we have everything We're like, you know, everyone's individual and all that And then it's like, but he's speaking like a black man It's like, what? What are you talking about? Rhythmically, rhythmically, listen It's like, what? Fuck off But, you know, like

Okay, so give me another one Oh, i've got i've got some poems that could be read um a recent one is about ahanatan who's the he's an egyptian pharaoh but it's about someone taking their shirt off at a pool party and um of course it is of course course. Oh, wow. That sounds just like a joke I have about Genghis Khan. Is it? No, I'm just kidding.

I've got a Genghis Khan one as well. You say Genghis? Nobody knows how to say his name. I never know. Anyway, go ahead. I listened to that Dan Carlin series. Did you listen to that? I like Dan Carlin.

Genghis Khan came over the mountain. He says Genghis? I thought it was genjus okay i listened to the one about i never finished it but it was so good world war one and that was like his most famous very long it's very long it was like 20 hours yeah yeah yeah but it was very good can i tell you what i'll do on the jokes? Because I spent the COVID year recording a different 10 minutes every month. I recorded it in like a half hour and then I just broke it down to the best 10 and I uploaded it. And it wasn't, they're good jokes, I think. But I've always thought if I had a good hour, it would just be a compilation of like this whatever hour and a half that I've got on the internet.

I could cut up all the jokes that I think would be good to put in it. And we can work on it together to pick what we think are the best ones are the ones that you can work with. Um, and part of me is like, Ooh, and then you know what just happened in the middle of you talking about that? I just imagined running this past Pete Jones. Who's like my kind of father figure in comedy. and he would go, no, what are you, crazy? Are you insane? You're going to, like, I just, it's so funny.

Maybe what we should do is... Bring Pete Jones in? I think we should do a follow-up episode and Pete Jones should be in the call. All right, I'll do it. Let's do it. If I can convince Pete Jones, I'll feel very satisfied because Pete Jones is a safe pair of hands.

Those are the sweetest hands. The sweetest, safest hands in all of comedy. Well, he's the only person of his generation who got regular emceeing work and still got to do all the cool little rooms in Melbourne. Do you know what I mean? I did too. I did too. All right.

Then I left. I wasn't there for that. Then you left what I mean? I did too. I did too. All right. Then I left. Then you left. I emceed a lot. The two of us emceed all the time. But then, yeah, we both did everything. And, you know, part of that was because I didn't know until I moved to New York that I was pretty much,

I was reaping the benefits of Pete's influence on the Melbourne comedy scene. No, I don't think that's fair. I mean, maybe. In a good way. I mean, let's say in a good way. You were very good. No, no, but what I mean is that his influence was be as good as you can be,

but do as many shows as you can do, and it doesn't really matter where they are. I thought you meant like you were like, I was near Pete Jones, and that really made people think wow get on the end with it no i think i think his his work ethic is impeccable um and his attitude is so good so good yeah and he has helped a lot of people with that if we get him on here he would be such a good okay so that's what we'll do in one year's time for now we'll get next week i'm organizing it as soon as possible. I could do this tomorrow.

I mean, we'll see what his schedule is. I'm going to start a group chat. Okay. And Eve, I feel like there's a possibility that you might say yes to this. And I'm so thrilled. I just want to let you know preemptively. I'm honored. I'm blessed that you would even entertain it as an idea.

I think this is going to be very fun. Sometimes I'm like, what if I do a crazy thing? And then it gets closer. I'm like, I'm not going to do the crazy. That's too crazy. But this is so crazy. And I think the reason that I would consider it is that it's not my, it's not just me. It's like somebody else's crazy thing that I'm like, but I would have to, I think we'd have to do a regular phone call.

So this is what I would need. I would need like handholding. I'm not just somebody who can put this on in Perth. Like I need you to keep motivating me throughout. It doesn't have to be every day, but it can be, you know, semi-regular. And then I would need you to pay for the logistical stuff, you know, like the whatever. Yes, absolutely. You would be on the hook for a thing.

Right. And then I would need, I have to think about more of my needs. you know like the whatever absolutely you wouldn't be on the hook for a thing right and then um i would need i have to think about more of my needs but but we um you know i need him i need a man to love and hold me not you be gonna find someone um to correct send me a send me a man and i will do it send me the janitor from the stand and i will man there was some beautiful i won't go on and on about this but there are really some beautiful people working at the stand yeah oh isn't that nice that you got to do the show the club that i would love to oh good for you you came to new york for like yeah but i didn't even know that that was cool so the whole

time i was in new york i did the stand i was like it's not the cellar why can't i get on at the cellar why will no one let me on here it's impossible to get on the cellar it's so I mean I think yeah it's really hard it's also like it's not it it's not like I mean I'm sure it's amazing and I have people in my life who are on at the cellar whatever but um it's I don't think it's like and then God came down and said you are a comedian and I knew it was true and i will be it's just it's a great show and it's an honor but like it's just a show you know if you're gonna get there and who knows if this is the show that opens those doors a lot of eyes watching this show a lot of people if you started a cult i'm pretty sure sure I'd probably end up joining. Like, I just, I mean, you're. I'm going to tell you.

I have a very high Patreon sign up per listen. Do you? I have so few listeners. And then like 50 people who pay me. It's great. It's incredible. It's bizarre. That's insane.

And so how much, how much do they pay each month? What's the pay track? Like five to $10. Yeah. So it's. Wow. So that's one year yeah and now that we're in one year and you get so okay so you're getting about um between 250

and 500 a month somewhere in there yes over the over this year i'd like to grow to a thousand dollars a month and then i can not have a job that'd be so great and I love it you've got three kids and you're like that's enough to support them all and no my daughter I'm obviously selling her to a man in Thailand I don't know I didn't realize because you're like in your car and I'm like oh he's in his car it's like no no we live here this is my house yeah you don't see the child seats look at that that's three three child seats in the back of the Volvo I hear a kid crying and I'm like, wait, but when are you going to, you're just in the car for quiet. You're like, no, no, no, no. I'm in the house.

This is the car. So, okay. We've got a lot of problems. Before we go, because I, what, so this podcast is what you're trying to buy a boat for you and your family to live on, what, on dry land? You're like, we don't even want to put it in the water. We're just going to live in the yard. Have you been talking to my wife?

That's her bloody take at this point. I think it's crazy. I want to get on the water. So, okay, so what is the podcast? The podcast is to raise money for this boat? Yeah, it's to do a series of plans that culminate in boat ownership. And so I thought, and yeah, so growing a podcast is a big one. And so I thought doing yeah so growing a podcast is a big one and so i thought doing

festivals being there meeting people in edinburgh would be like a good way to grow the the pod to a british audience but i can't go i can't i mean i would like to go but it's a month and it's if it was like if it was a sure thing if someone was, I want you to come and write for this show in LA because we need to meet our fat white guy commitment in a diversity box. You've got to come. And there's, you know, whatever, $50,000. Yeah, right, right. Why don't we...

We can't have all the diversity picks fail because there wasn't a fat white guy in the room getting it done. But... There's a thing going past. Yeah, I heard that. There's a car. So I think if it was like, I think I could get away. Like, I got to go to America for two weeks because it was like, it was incredible opportunity. And it was really hard.

My wife was massively pregnant, but we spoke about it. And it was like, enough good could come of this to make the rest of our life a little bit easier. But Edinburgh, what am I just hanging out doing coke slapping five and feeling good that's what i'm going to do for the whole time i'm just going to slap five yeah i mean i think edinburgh most people lose money i know that i don't Plan on losing money that's part of why it would be great To have a second show And I know that some people like Kyle Legacy I think it's fine for me to say this but that he That's how he like funds half of his year

Is through Edinburgh like doing line up shows and stuff So I think yeah For some it really works out or whatever But yeah if you're just going for the first time to do One show and you're fighting Against all these other shows and you have a family back home you either better have money or you better be prepared to lose like just have enough to lose but if you've got three kids it's just too much i think well i may even i may even go away for a month at some point next year but

it's like if i at this point like if it was a question of going somewhere for a month ah even if i'd spent the last few years building something up in edinburgh i could do it Like if it was a question of going somewhere for a month, even if I'd spent the last few years building something up in Edinburgh, I could do it. And I could, you know, take my family and go back. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I love the thought of it. I went once to Edinburgh with a girl that I was dating at the time.

And I just went in a supporting role. I was doing comedy, but I don't know. I had low self-esteem or something. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why I didn't do a show. How long ago was this? Oh, eight years ago, nine years.

It was a long time ago. Okay. Longer. Maybe. Man, sugar. It might have been 10. It was just after the Romney election. Gosh, it was 10 years ago.

When Mitt Romney lost? I just remember that relationship ending shortly after Mitt Romney election. Gosh, it was 10 years ago. When Mitt Romney lost? I just remember that relationship ending shortly after Mitt Romney lost. And is that why? You had Romney won? Yeah, I couldn't go on. I couldn't go on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.

But I went and I saw it and I hung out in Edinburgh and it seemed great. But also, I don't have the temperament to do, I don't even do Melbourne for a full run. Yeah. Like I like doing, no, I never managed it. Well, and when I did manage it with like a musical or I once did a solo show where I dressed up as a nun and I spoke about Monopoly.

I don't have the, some people have that staying power and they get energy from gigs. I find it very draining. And I can do like one... Really, if I do an hour a week, I'm very happy. And I've got it out of my system. What do you mean? Like a week of a one-hour show, like seven nights? No, I think my dream life would be like I have a residency somewhere

and on Friday night I get up and do an hour. No. And that's the only show I do for the week. No. Yeah. When I go out, when I'm in Melbourne and I just run around doing five minutes at a time, by the end of the night, like after I've done four or five minute spots, I'm like. What about 20 minutes, five nights a week or 20 minutes twice a night?

You know what? I could split it up like that. A 20 feels like nothing. I could do a 20 and then eat a sandwich or a 30 but doing an hour i can do an hour three nights back to back and then the fourth night i'm weird and i'm eating a pizza on stage and i'm shouting at somebody and i'm like hitting myself in the head it's not something that i do well it's not a skill that I have. I do love, I guess right now, because I'm not in the momentum that I used to be in.

When I look back, I'm like, oh man, what I would give to be doing an hour a night, you know? But then I'll like, let's speak again in August. I mean, obviously we'll speak before then. But when I'm, if I am doing my hour my lineup show then this crazy fucking thing it's like I will be

I'll be on the ledge you know like I don't know should I jump by the way just you know you should when we talk to Peter Jones make it sooner rather than later because applications are opening this week for the free frame alright I will let's do it tomorrow i think i can do it tomorrow

see yeah let's do it hopefully he'll be around yeah all right i don't know i'm gonna make sure i've saved this god bless you okay god bless you one second i'm just gonna stop the recording okay i'll stop the recording too