The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - The Unbearable Drabness of Modern Interior Design

Episode Date: August 10, 2024

This one gets a little visual. If you'd like the visual component it is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjOdtkiM7EsJoin the Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccannBuy the books: https://www.jdfmccann.com/books Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.com. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! Hello, and welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan podcast. The show where I, James Donald Forbes McCann, am trying to raise enough money to buy a boat.

And I'm on tour at the moment doing comedy. We're in Melbourne. We were in Brisbane yesterday. We were in Adelaide the day before that. And we'll be in Sydney tomorrow. And Melbourne is, for those, I mean, how would we describe Melbourne? Melbourne likes to call itself Australia's New York. Oh, Sydney, that's LA, but Melbourne is New York. And really, the parallel only extends to this. Sydney is very beautiful and Melbourne is very cold. That's really about as close as you could get. Very different cities, very different parallels. Sam Clark and I are Adelaide boys, and Adelaide has a long rivalry with Melbourne,

all the best and brightest. They move off to Melbourne, and I will say that we don't care for Melbourne. Now, obviously, we love many people in Melbourne. We love many things about Melbourne, and we love the 400-plus people who just came out to see the people in Melbourne. We love many things about Melbourne. And we love the 400 plus people who just came out to see the show in Melbourne. What a joy that was. But then you come back to this hotel room.

And this is not a cheap. I didn't decide. Listen, if it was me deciding on the hotel rooms, I'd be in a YMCA. And I'd be saving money for the catamaran plan. I don't have enough money to be living like this. But when you're doing a big tour and other people are doing it, i didn't pay much attention to it they've booked this in hotel rooms i can tell you i wouldn't have booked this one no negativity it's just that there's everything i hate about interior design in one room and uh so for those of you with the visual element this is very exciting

i get to show you do we want to do a little pivot, can we show anything in the, I mean, one at a time, you'll notice that it's monochromous, it's a, use of color is very rare, and when you do see color, you really appreciate it, usually on a gold fitting, again, it's a nice hotel room, I'm not saying it's not nice, it's very comfortable, hotel room i'm not saying it's not nice it's very comfortable it's just everything that i want to destroy is in one place at the same time and it seems too too convenient not to walk through all my problems with interior design on the one room very minimal use of color some you gotta know if you can see the rug but the rug is sort of like a pseudo-Persian block orange. No real complaints with that. There are small blue blankets on the bed,

and there's what we call that isometric, geometric. There's some sort of metric pattern there. And then otherwise, it's gray. Even the wood is gray or black. The curtains are black. The walls are gray. This is very cheap IKEA product felt. when you have people who've bought the cheapest ikea products will know when they want to make something out of the fabric that costs the

least amount of money it's that wall which i'm not saying it's bad that that wall's there i'm sure a lot of loud intercourse happens by very open-minded melbourn in the neighboring rooms, and they want to dampen that with these felt walls, but it's just the gray. And I'd like to start by talking about monochrome. I know this is a podcast about me buying a boat, and we'll be talking more about boat ownership and the journey therein shortly, but why do modern interior designers insist on gray, black and gray? Why is color in such profoundly short supply?

Two theories. One is my theory and one is my friend Casey's theory. Even before we saw this hotel room, we were discussing earlier today what the problem is with all the gray. She said in recessions, people move away from color uh it's hard to well when you when you have a color the other colors have to go with it and that's something that rich people can do because you can buy more things have more products on the market but in an economic contraction uh monochrome things it's easy to buy them. What's the word?

Eclectically. And so that's why you go grey. And that's very sad. I mean, my original thing, I thought, she was like, poor countries, you go grey when you're poor. And it's like, I don't know, have you seen any footage from Africa?

I think you'll find there's a lot of poor people in Africa and they're wearing the most garish colors imaginable. But those colors don't match, potentially, within the Western color palette. The gray, I don't care for, and I see it everywhere. This open plant, it's not a cupboard. Look at this. What is this? This, like, open, again, it feels very, like, Scandi, minimalist. this this like open again it feels very like scandi minimalist just black and with led strips led strips everywhere led strips there led strips behind the bed i just that's what has taken the

place of beautiful classical architecture is led strips you go through melbourne and all the big buildings they have led strips on them and it doesn't look fancy. It just looks like they're being covered in neon rope for some reason, like some sort of skyscraper bondage is taking place. I'm against it. We haven't gotten to the real complaints I have for this room, which is behind me. I don't know if you can see that frosted glass. My mother, when she was preparing our house for sale some years before our our home was for sale she was having people come through and see like what what was the right way to get a house ready for sale what do you want to do so that it will alienate the fewest number of people possible

and with that objective in mind what the interior designer pitched her interior designer is maybe a stretch what the bathroom door salesman pitched her and she was taken by briefly was frosted glass and the bathroom is next to the kitchen so the thought was you would have frosted glass on the bathroom door and i remember my visceral my mom was sort of on the fence she's like that's sort of interesting i was like so that we can see people poop while we're eating you don't want to see what goes on in the bathroom you want that to be the most opaque you don't want you don't want a low transparency setting you don't want to be going you want nothing and i, who would ever have frosted glass in front of where people defecate? Bam!

There it is. That salesman had his merry way with a hotel chain. Look at it. Can you see? Shall I walk over there? All right. I'll take all the stuff with me. I mean, again, to drive it home, this is like a net.

So you can see people brushing their teeth. God forbid you have a single moment of privacy in this world. Then you come through here to the toilet. Here I am in the pooper. Can you see me, Sam? You can see me really clear? What is the purpose of this this what is the argument in favor of being able to see people go now here's my theory on that this is not my theory for interior

design overall but this is my theory for the frosted glass is that without god we actually want to be monitored all the time christopher hitchens used to go on and on, and there was a very convincing argument with the liberal progressivists at the time about like, you know, oh there's, God is always watching you. This is like a celestial How do I do my Christopher Hitchens? Hold on. Just imagine I've had a couple of drinks and left my pregnant wife. Alright.

God is always watching you. Like a celestial North Korea. It's not my story. It was more of a Peter Hitchens, if anything. Sorry, Pete. I think that without God, we actually like being watched. We actually like that our phones are monitoring. That came out early in Obama's term,

that there was a government agency that was just reading all the emails. I think, if anything, it made people more comfortable because we're built to want someone watching. And in the Christian conception that's God. Only God can judge us. But without God we have to have cameras everywhere. And sad to say, frosted glass on the popper. Mental.

Crazy stuff. They don't have slippers here as well. That's one of the few things I truly love about going to a hotel room. Usually I don't care for it, but to have slippers. And here they've not gone with... There are special room socks. This is more just... I was hoping this wouldn't descend into just attacking this specific hotel room.

I wanted to talk about... Do you know what I mean? I wanted to talk... So I'm not going to bother about the socks. I i mean like i wanted to talk so i'm not going to bother about the socks i'm more high-minded than that this is not about the socks this is about spirit it's about the heart it's about interior design here's my theory as to why interior design has gone grey. We've had Casey's theory in the recession. This is a better way to have products that more people will buy

because people don't have the money to colour match for specific products. Okay. I think it's because the baby boomers were an extremely colourful generation. They've gone, you know, you're watching a movie or a documentary and it goes from black and white to color during the guitar solo. Someone has LSD for the first time and color is injured. And that's what the baby boomers see themselves as having been, is the colorful people. As opposed to the people of color.

Very colorful in Africa, as we've already discussed on this podcast. We're an explosion of light and color. We're wonderful. We make things interesting. So say the baby boomers, and so is the fashion of the late 60s. And I think that now as the baby boomers die, they use their capital to enforce a norm of the world being gray. Once they're dead and gone, they want us to inherit a very gray world so that we will look back and say, oh, isn't everything gray?

Wasn't it nice when the baby boomers were around, though, and they brought a little color? Oh, we are truly lost without the baby boomers. They were the important generation. Now, that's more conspiratorial. Maybe no one's actually thinking that. Maybe that's not even in the ethos. Maybe that's crazy. Maybe that'sos maybe that's uh maybe that's crazy maybe that's a poem but it's what's happening black umbrella you know what i'm saying the wood this wood this fake wood laminate that they've got this thing thing that looks like wood. I see it more and more. It's on the floor as well. Is that now?

Do you think that's real wood? Might be real wooden, but it's gray. Wooden. If you have wooden floor, it may be. Is it a good? I think that's actually a good linoleum.

Yeah, that's not a floorboard. That is not a floorboard. That is a linoleum. I can tell because of how great it is and how cheap it is. And if you have wood, if you have a Jarrah floor, you can have a rich, earthy tone. I mean, my goodness, we figured out the colors that a house should be. And the way it's a real looking Persian rug rug it's nice earthy wooden floorboards it's a feature wall don't you remember room swap is that what it was called changing rooms i mixed up changing

rooms and wife swap uh but you would come in and they would redesign someone's room for them and it's like it doesn't it doesn't matter how you get a home for sale anymore, in this country at least, because it's the land. It's all the land. It's 95% the land. You get a $700,000 house, the house is worth $10,000,

something crazy. It's all land. And that's why The Block, a television show in Australia where they used to go and renovate a home. And there was a season that I watched the season finale and it just like, I mean, for years, The Block would work and they'd make a lot more money if for no other reason than three months had passed since they started working on the house.

And the appreciation in land meant that if you then sold it after that, it was worth more money. Like everything was going above value. Everything goes above valuation in this country it's nuts excuse me and uh what was i talking about sam take me back the floor no i think it was after the floor it doesn't matter, oh, the block, I'm sorry, I've just done a show, now we do another show, a show of another kind, anyway, the block is now doing, they renovate a resort, and that makes sense at least, because people can still choose what resort to go to,

so making it more desirable with interior fittings makes sense. But in terms of a house for sale, it doesn't do nothing anymore. It's worthless. That brings me to another question. I know this podcast is meant to be about me buying a boat. And on today's episode, me talking about modernity as it manifests, maybe this becomes popular enough that I can use the money to buy a boat and get onto the sea. But specifically, I hold up far out. I'm losing the trains. I'm losing the trains of

thought. I was talking about the block. I was talking about resorts. Sam, help me. I was so ready. I was on the precipice of a big complaint, yes, houses being expensive, why, I'll tell you why, this is my, again, I've been thinking, when we came to this country, not empty, but not a lot of cities, what we started doing was we built in Australia and America and whatever, started building new settlements, you know, if you look at Europe, you fly over Europe, you fly over America, it's just stuff, small towns going all over the place, and something happened where they stopped making new cities at some point, I don't know why, I don't know where, I don't know the mechanism by which that occurred, maybe it just,

maybe there were too many amenities required to make a new place. If you were to make a new township on the old frontiers, I've said this time and time again, it was you and some hombres knocking up a property. You and the boys would get out there. You didn't know nothing about building houses, but you could make a log cabin. You could get it done.

And was it warm? Probably not not did it keep the rain out maybe sometimes but you could just go where the people weren't or sadly you'd kill the people who were on that land if if they were the indigenous persons of that land, and you'd take it. But once you had the land, you just build a house. And now you need plumbing. Now you need electricity. You need Wi-Fi. You need codes and standards and whatever. And so the result is it's been privatized,

and we just have cities getting... There's no new cities. We're not even taking towns and making them bigger in a meaningful way. In Australia, it's just five big cities where as you build out, the land gets less and less desirable because you're further and further away from all the things worth doing and seeing in the city. You've got to let a company do it. And they build something that looks like this and it's hideous and no one wants to live there.

And so people buy it and it's investment property and then they don't have to live there. They get to live in their nice house while poor people who will never own a home go and rent in a terrible dwelling. Excuse me. So the answer, I think, is just new cities. Get the hombres together and go and build it over there. And there are places in the world where they're doing this.

Detroit is sufficiently carved out that people can go there and effectively make it. This is what they say. I've never been to Detroit, but I hear it's getting better now. Steubenville is the big one. And it's very impressive. In a rust-built town, it was 60,000 people or something like that. It came down to 18,000 people. And they go and then there are people, they've got a trade school, the College of St. Joseph the Worker slash Liberal Arts Academy, where you learn to build a house, fit a window, that sort of business. And also you get to read Aristotle. That's no bad thing. I think it's doable, I've watched the YouTube videos on making a house, I've met people who build houses, no disrespect, I reckon there are more people in society who are also at that level, you meet a quantum physicist, right, and you go, wow, it's just you that's able

to do this, isn't it, I don't meet a lot of people like you but tradesmen the the of the people literally unskilled laborers it's a good job and more people should be allowed to do it i i i of course i'm frail i don't have what it takes to lift and to move i just mean i think people could build houses people should build their own houses because a million dollars is too much money to pay for a humble three bedroom suburban home in an unpleasant area

it is it's sad what a million dollars gets you in this country it's frankly made watching game shows less exciting you used to watch Survivor. Now in Australia, they don't win a million dollars. They win half a million dollars. And they have to be on the island for longer

and the dollar is worth less than the American one. But you're on the island for 40 days. At the end, they go, you've won $500,000. And they're going, yes! 70% of a house! A smaller mortgage Yes! 70% of a house! A smaller mortgage than we otherwise would have had to have had.

I used to, when I was a kid, you watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, they get to the final question, a million dollars, and Eddie McGuire, the host, goes, what are you going to buy with a million dollars in the 90s? And they go, I might buy an island. I might buy a whole island off the coast of brisbane and eddie's going yeah that's the same thing to do with a million dollars is a lot of money now you want a million dollars guess you buy a pair of shoes no but seriously folks it's very nice it is nice to be here in Melbourne there are many beautiful things about Melbourne nice food

AFL football people in Melbourne and the suburb of Kew which doesn't have a cool reputation but I used to live in a place called Kew and it's on a hill

there aren't many hills in Melbourne but it's like built old I have a lot of feelings when I come back to Melbourne I have a lot of feelings when I come back to Melbourne. Had a lot of feelings everywhere we've been going. We had a lot of feelings in Brisbane, didn't I, Sam? And not just feelings of arousal when we went past strip club after strip club.

My goodness, do they have enough strip clubs there. Can't build nice suburban homes that people want to move into. No problem knocking up a strip club motivated buyer have not gone to the strip clubs wouldn't do that but i see them of course in melbourne not so many strip clubs many masseuses and i had the fun a couple of us were out we got to explain to sam what made them obviously illegitimate massage parlors. I said something like, how many rub and tug joints do you need in one city? Lovely Sam was going, well, how do we know that's not a real...

Bring it up. Come on. Well, how do you know that's not a real... It's like, I don't know. The big neon sign, the utter lack of graphic design and effort that's gone into it. And then we were with Sam, other Sam, and she was like, I think a good indicator is whether or not you can see into it at all or if they've just put massive stickers across the window. And I had a little breakthrough.

I was wondering why in America there are so many street prostitutes. In Australia, there's none. And it's, of course, I think because in small towns and conservative cities across America, the sex-having buildings have shut down and are not allowed or are secretive because it's a crime. And in most of Australia, well, nowhere in Australia is it regularly enforced as a crime. Prostitution is a crime in South Australia. But I don't remember the last time there was a high-profile arrest of someone slinging puss. But, of course, we've got the buildings.

So the prostitutes go inside. And in America, they've gone, well, we don't want the prostitution. Let's stop them from going. Let's not let them have a building. They'll have to go outside. And it turns out that that wasn't the factor in stopping someone selling sex for money was a roof. It was, I don't know what the factor is. I don't know what you could do. Thomas Aquinas, I think, says don't get rid of the red light district. Like there are more important things to do before then because it would just come out in other directions.

And the Japanese are in favor of a red light district. They classify it as a sewer. You have the toilet for the ones and twos. You have the red light district for the number threes. Sam making all sorts of faces. I apologize. I apologize. It's been one of those days. I'm glad we're getting out of this room tomorrow. This is making me genuinely upset. I should talk about the catamaran plan. But there's no real update since the last episode which for you which will have come out a week ago and for me we've come out today well i mean what did we do today should we

talk through it we got up banana i woke up this morning banana what happened next we went for a walk we went to a record store sam perused the disco records didn't see anything that caught his eye but i noticed they had a lot of Japanese records, and that was very nice. And if we weren't traveling, even though I don't have a record player, I would have been very tempted to buy the Japanese version of Macho Man, the alternate cover of Macho Man. Then, oh, we had a great drive. We had a great Uber to the airport, with a man who had been a

lawyer, and we talked about the legal profession for 30 minutes, and his family, and he was obviously of subcontinental extraction, and he asked me where I was from, which opened that up for me to, I would, I don't, I don't open with, where, hey, mate, where are you from, that's rude to just pursue, you know, oh, you're brown? Why? Tell me about why you're brown. But he asked me, he said, where are you from? And I told him, I said, how long have you been in Brisbane? And he said, whatever, a couple of years. I said, where were you before that?

He goes, guess where I'm from. Guess. I said, oh. I think he said three guesses. And I said, I resisted the urge to say Ceylon. I said, Sri Lanka. He said, no. I said, silly. I said, I resisted the urge to say Ceylon. I said Sri Lanka. He said, no. I said, silly, I said Southern India.

That was a mistake. I should have just said India. He said, no. It turned out not to matter because my next guess was Pakistan. Zigged instead of Bangladesh, but I could tell if he was from India. He was, anyway. I don't think.

I can... I know... I'm not... I know races. I see races. I spend a lot of time... Man, I can pick Yoruba sometimes. I've gotten so...

I've spent so much time on Wikipedia, seen so many people. I can pick tribes in Africa sometimes, excuse me, Dinka, Maasai, how many African tribes can I name, let's not try, Ortha, don't know how to say that, it's got a click in it, I'd work from south to north. I'd get absolutely stuck in the Congo. Excuse me. I was meant to be talking about the boat. Anyways, that was a really nice ride. Then we got to the airport and it was muddled and confused at Brisbane Airport. They're growing at an alarming rate. They'll be just as big and unpleasant as Melbourne

in no time. Then we touched down in Melbourne. Touched down. Sam had to sit next to a big lady. We were sitting together. And he had the middle seat and I got to really spread out somewhat on the flight. And then, honestly, Sam, I don't remember what happened next. The next thing I remember is we were at the gig.

Went to go see my friend Sam. We had a conversation about massage parlours. We did the show. Came back after the show. Now we're here in this beautiful, beautiful hotel room. I love Melbourne. I love the people of Melbourne. It was a great show. I hate Melbourne. Melbourne's a terrible city. There's something rotten at its core city there's something rotten at its core there's something rotten at its core there's something wrong with Melbourne there is something wrong with Melbourne and it makes people here unhappy

I mean this is the city where they had the longest I think outside of China it was the longest lockdown in the world and if you had the longest lockdown in the world the biggest anything during COVID something's wrong that's an indication that something's gone very wrong with the government although i do like that the government used the massive amounts of power they concentrated themselves after covid to push through a subway system you've got to have a lot of

political control to have a subway system and i'm glad that dictator dan andrews decided that it would be spent on a subway system i love so i'm sure i won't love the subway that they end up building it's probably going to be a whole lot of led lighting i don't imagine they'll be doing a soviet style chandelier type job but much respect for trains melbourne's getting bit you know what here it is melbourne melbourne is like the most purely really capitalist city in australia and that might sound nuts because it's it's left of center and increasingly so but of course the face of capitalism has become we all know we all know we're culturally capitalism melbourne what i mean it it it loves growth melbourne alone brisbane's trying but brisbane has geographic questions like hills

and queenslanders that make it more difficult to be that addicted to growth but mel mel bernie is just like we're going to be number one. We're going to be bigger than Sydney. We're going to grow and grow and grow. And they can because it's flat. Sydney is sort of hemmed in by the sea and mountains. Its geography makes it difficult to get much bigger unless they were to knock down old Sydney and they won't do it. That's why Sydney house prices are absolutely the worst. Everything in eastern Sydney, central Sydney, central and western, make sense of that. It's beautiful. It's so beautiful, Sydney. The harbour. Oh, we get to be in Sydney tomorrow? Wow. Sydney's so beautiful. And they've gone, it's almost like a bonsai. They've gone, these are the limitations.

We're not changing it. Go make the West as ugly as you feel. But this part of Sydney, old Sydney, by the harbour, this beautiful font. It's not a font. It's a harbour. Excuse me. This wellspring. It's not a wellspring.

It's not a font. What is it next? A waterfall? Is it a lake? It's a harbour. It's so beautiful. The beaches are so beautiful. The architecture is so beautiful, and they won't change it for nobody. And as a result, the rest of Sydney has to become very bad. But Melbourne has said, oh, it's just flat. It's just flat forever. You'd have to, I don't know, you have to get to the, you have to get to the you have to get to bright before it gets

hilly oh there's there's the dandenongs we'll go around the dandenongs my point is it's very flat and so it can just grow forever and they just grow so but there was a copywriting job that i left and the instigating thing for leaving the copywriting job was that they had me writing about these new suburbs that they were building in melbourne and i had to you know write nice things about oh this it's a it's it's a svelte one hour and 10 minute commute to the cbd yuck and what they do they have the center they just sprawl out further and further away and then they put a westfield shopping center the mall they put one of those every 20 minutes dotted around in a in a belt so that everyone has something that they can go to on the weekend and that you know medical centers to make up for hospitals and that sort

of thing and some of the crappiest public schools you can imagine and yeah we let the evangelicals take a couple along the way just so that they're not too upset moving out there. And that's it. It's just like houses, ugly houses that look like this on the inside, copy-paste houses that look the same over and over again. I'm sorry that this is a ramble. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for this to happen. I thought I'd be walking around the room with a microphone and doing zingers. Hey, look at this television. And then I'd say a zinger, but I don't have it. I just hate that growth. And it's different in Australia. In America, rich people live on the outside because black people move to the middle of the city

and the whites, the rich whites, they fear the urban black poor people and the black poor Hispanics and the black poor Hispanics and the urban Hispanics. And of course, the urban poor whites too. But there's a reason that urban, you know, oh, that's urban, very urban, people just say

urban, people say urban to mean black in America, they'll go, oh, there was some urban comedians here last night, it's like, what, you get away with saying something racist because you called them urban instead of black, that doesn't seem, that seems fucking dumb, excuse me, I must remember to edit out that swear word at 30-something seconds, minutes, whatever. This is not a good episode. I apologize. Anyway, rich people live in the suburbs and poor people live in the city because of white flight that people went, oh, we'll just drive in. We're not going to.

So the downtowns are all decayed. But in Australia, it's just so rich in the middle. And then it just gets poorer and worse the further out you go. And this is not an answer. An answer is getting together with the hombres and building your own real meaningful thing out there. And why don't you do that, James? It's illegal.

I think if me and my hombres went and made wood caverns in the Adelaide Hills they'd shut us down. In my first term of office if you go get yourself a piece of land out there no building regulations.

You build it you're willing to suffer the consequences you do what you want to do. It's my gift to you as Prime Minister. No building regulations. You build it. You're willing to suffer the consequences. You do what you want to do. It's my gift to you as Prime Minister. At the very least, we've got to have inducements to go and fill up Broken Hill. Got all these big roads and things going on in Broken Hill. No one wants to live there because it's really hot and it's full of red sand.

They also got rid of the hill. There's a mining town called Broken Hill and they mined it so much that there's no hill anymore. The hill's gone. Again, progress towards the boat, much the same as it was in the previous episode. Don't forget to join the Patreon. There's a Patreon. There's a Patreon. Hey, it's been great being here on the James Donald Forbes McCain-Kadamaran plan with you. Thank you to Sam Clark. Thank you, Sam. And we'll come to you in another episode in the future, I'm sure.

Next week. But I'll be filming it tomorrow from Sydney. I'm sure. Next week. But I'll be filming it tomorrow from Sydney. Second only to Adelaide, Steubenville, New York City,

Paris. I've never been to Paris. But I'm watching a lot of it in the Olympics. Oh yeah. We won't watch one of the pornos we were going to watch, Sam.

We'll watch the Olympics. We'll watch a little Olympics. Thank you. Get around home. Goodbye. Hey, it's Mitch from SideNote Podcast, and I'm here to tell you about the new Google Pixel 9 powered by Gemini. Anyone who knows me knows the Pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now, with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant. Since I'm truly terrible at keeping up with emails, I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver.

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