The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Tuned to JDFM with Amos Gill

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

Amos Gill is over here: https://www.instagram.com/abitofamosgill/HERE IS WHERE YOU CANBuy the book: https://www.jdfmccann.com/booksListen to the album on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/2AmTKUd2n9VwRgzQHfr7rACome to the gigs: https://www.jdfmccann.com/gigsJoin the Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessie Crookshank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend.

I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessi Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend,

I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on.

Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com Well, after a host of technical difficulties were away, I got a new Zoom recorder so I could have more microphones because we want to have more guests on the pod. Now there's visual difficulties and garage bands not doing what I want,

but I'll tell you who is doing right by us here on the program today. It's our friend Amos Gill. Hello, everybody. And we are... I want to start that again this no we'll just power on no visual component again and i would suggest i'm one of the more visually appealing people you have on this podcast you've had some real hogs on some wobblers and some stinkers and some deformed people. Chubby wobby chubby

wobby fatsoes I hear. We're here in Washington. I'm doing a gig. I almost wanted to come along and see our sweet nation's capital. At Washington DC mine. I bought a pair of khaki slacks and a polo Ralph Lauren sweater. Yeah, you dressed up for it. I had nowhere to wear it so I said take me to

Washington and let me cosplay As a demonic Little neolib Well I tell you I actually did buy a suit Last week At a Goodwill I found a man

In San Antonio Well I found his clothes The man I suspect Was dead And he was my perfect Body double And he's donated everything So I now have

All these beautiful suits And it was such a Disturbing night The night before We came out If that's an old man I left it. He must have been morbidly obese for his time. No usually you don't get 1970s patterns in this

size. But we had a disturbing night that I did the night before I came out I didn't sleep. So we there was a man in the park I'm recounting this story just exposing me as a total idiot and I think there was a man in the park i'm recounting this story just exposing me as a

total idiot and i think this was a rough sleeper down his luck and he asked if he'd noticed that my yard was disheveled and he said you want some yard work i said sure he said i'll rake your leaves i said all right he said i'll do it first thing tomorrow morning 120 bucks i said sure he said can i have half already very expensive i mean i don't know rake leaves it's a lot of leaves it's every leaf that's fallen in my yard this that's usually how it works yeah i don't know how much the writers amount but you know he this was not the problem the problem was at night when i went to clean my house uh my the studio i was tidying up ahead of someone coming to stay. He was there

at midnight sitting right out front of my door in the darkness and I didn't spot him at first but then I did. I said,

ah! And he said, hey man, I'm just going to wait here so I can do it bright and early and I said,

will you give me a minute? And I went outside to tell her and she went, why do you scream? I'm right here. And I said, and i went outside to taylor and she went why do you scream i'm right here and i said yeah this uh that guy and she went i mean you've you've done this badly james there's turning up early for work where it's commendable 10 minutes early minute finish your coffee have a cigarette some eight hours early becomes frightening it's too early

so i paid him the rest of the money well he was going to sleep in the soft leaves before Eight hours early becomes frightening. It's too early. So I paid him the rest of the money. Well, he was going to sleep in the soft leaves before he had to. He said, you can just give me a blanket out here. And I said, listen, I'm sorry. Because my family's there and we're scared and we hadn't had this conversation. I said, you've got to go. But you've done the right thing.

I was really trying to get behind him. So I i'll pay you the rest you know for the job you don't get anyone else to do the job i still want to do it and i said you can do it next week during the day but we can't have this now but then we were terror i mean i've got a wife i've got kids james looked at him and said well i'll be out town touring, so it'll just be my wife here alone with my children. Yeah, I left that out. I'll leave the key under the mat. I didn't go into detail on that. But, you know, I would like, when a person's

in trouble, when a person isn't necessarily housed in the way that they would like to be, and they want to work, would you not give someone that opportunity? Or how homeless did he look? Or did you just... Clean shoes. Yeah.

Not high fashion by any means. But I noticed he was tidily attired. And I think we've since found out that he's one of a couple of persons who just hang out in the neighborhood. And they're apparently harmless. They just get very drunk. I mean, if he's very threatening...

No, he wasn't threatening at all. He was lovely. So it's just scary that he's there. It's scary that I opened my door and there was a man camped out front of my house. Did he have a rake? Taylor asked me this as well. She said, well, did he get a leaf blower? Did he have equipment?

He did not. I had also been to Home Depot to get the bags, and he said, don't worry about a rake. I'll get a rake. He's like, I got pockets and two hands. It might take me a while, but we'll get it done. I liked his spirit. That was clearly, I mean, I get increasingly

why Americans have this cold, hostile, not looking at, not engaging with the homeless is because it feels like a dangerous country. James, you know what they say, buy a man a r rake and he'll rake the whole neighborhood and make a hundred dollars a house oh yeah don't give him the money genuinely in the rake buying the rake the concern was that he would be a rakist and he would rake my family while i wasn't there it's been raking everybody there's too much raking going on. It was a scary thing. So we got cameras

and we installed them and my wife has spoken to the neighbours and this is the shout out that I'd like to give. So I was leaving the next morning and we wanted someone to be there in the morning so she could help look after,

you know, well, whoever it was who came over. I called so many people. I called five six americans none of them would do it now some of them called me back later and said listen if you can't find anybody give me a call back and those people i remember beautifully and some people had to travel the next day and that's fine too and one person didn't give a reason and just said no i'm not doing that and I thought,

keeping that in mind for future who's got your back. You can't help but put that in the filing cabinet but I'll tell you who came to the rescue. The most successful comedian in Australia, Luke Kijal, had done a spot at the mothership that day and he came from his presumably economic hotel he doesn't live a

big fancy life and he came and stayed at my house and looked after my family while i went and that's a gent and so we shared out luke kidgel not just a success a good man and we know the name of the rakist i'm not going to say his name why he goes by several names well he may still yet become a friendly neighborhood buddy you You think he'll turn his gardening business into a success and become a Patreon? I have nothing but positive things to say

about this man other than the fact that he scared the living daylights out of me by encamping. Which is moving forward

not something that we might have to talk to the landlord about getting a fence put up. Yeah. Yeah. Or moving up. Well, I know a guy who can put up a fence put up. Yeah. Yeah, or moving it. Well, I know a guy who can put up a fence for about $140.

Oh, is that right? He just needs half now and half at midnight. He gets there early and he starts the job. He was very sweet. A lot of these contractors will tell you, we'll be there sometime between 10 and 4. He's like, I'll be there now. I'll be there at 4.

In the morning. Before the 10. I'll see you tomorrow. Why tomorrow? Why start something tomorrow what you can do right now? Never put off till tomorrow what absolutely must be put off

till tomorrow. As the old saying goes, he was a sweet man. I didn't get a violent vibe off him, but you never know with someone who's camped out front of your house when that could pivot. And I will also say...

You've always had this thing where you are completely unable to repel people. Well, I'm not repelled by them. I don't experience disgust. No, no, no. By repel, I mean... Yeah.

It's not even about disgust. You don't have any ability to sort of, hey, mate, how you doing? Good to see you. And then kindly move on. You are a magnet for insane people. You're having a dig at me for when we would walk around Rundle Street in Adelaide.

My whole life with you. I'm wandering around and you just constantly... I'm a gregarious fellow. You're like a lollipop dropped in the gravel. You're just covered in unpleasant things. Yeah, I don't believe in cutting people people free even when they just merely say hello you know every every friendship i've lost has i think i'm right in saying this been the other person's call except maybe one or two of all the friendships here i don't do it know, sometimes I lose touch or I get busy,

but I never want to... No, I take it back. I've got about 10. I'm thinking back on people that I've ruthlessly hacked out of my life. But I'm a very well-acquainted man. Well, you know I have a lot of animus with many people. Oh, yes. Amos Gill responds exclusively to personal animus.

We had someone said today about a famous person. A famous conservative news journalist. And you were expressing praise for him. They said, ah, that person is entirely motivated by personal animus. And I think that was meant to be a put down. But I could see Amos went, ah, there's another one out there. Only driven by hate. By the fire of hate at the bosom.

He was like, he said it in a very offhand You mean that I too can achieve things as great as this with my personal animus? He's like, yeah, this guy, you know, he's immoral because he really doesn't believe anything. He just builds a philosophy around who he hates. Tell me more about this special new way to have a philosophy.

That's me. That's what sculpture is. It's getting rid of all the gross bits and you're left with something beautiful We saw an incredible Sculpture today Which one? Johnny Cash? I wanted So

Dear sweet listener The capital building That we went to And saw today And it would have been A very good one To take some videos We didn't storm

We sauntered through With a guide They let us right in The security guard Was literally saying Come inside It was another FBI Inside job It was another FBI inside job.

It was... Excuse me. Every state gets two statues, which is nice. So Arkansas has sent Johnny Cash. Why they've not put up Sam Walton, I'll never know. And the Philadelphians have an Anglican priest readying himself for war. The Hawaiians have the most...

Kamehameha. They have Kamehameha and a leper priest. But what jumped out to me was the women's suffrage statue that you saw. Oh, this was great. There's a women's suffrage statue and on it they have three carved heads. Now those people are... Let let me look it's not that

important lucretta mott elizabeth katie stanton susan b anthony oh i've heard of susan b yes and the and the portrait was done by adelaide johnson shout out to adelaide but in the statue there is a big part of the stone up the back that looks like it hasn't been carved. There's a fourth person who hasn't been carved in. It looks like someone should be carved in and we were told by the guide that they had intended that that would have become Hillary Clinton. But she's a

loser so they decided not to. Then it would be Kamala. Yeah, also a loser. So they've just left it there. I hope it's not a big fat woman who wins the presidency because there's not a lot of marble left. Listen, it's going to be a generous carving for whoever gets it. I can already see them shaping Tulsi Gabbard's head in there.

It's a big lump. The only reason I know Susan B. Anthony. She's got to walk past that, by the way. I think there's Susan B. Anthony dollars or something, and that was in a Powerpuff Girls episode. But the reason I know it is there's a rap group who I spoke about on the last podcast from Milwaukee. But their album is called Dog's Life.

It's Aeoli and some other ones. Anyway, there's a line in the song. Have I played this to you? It's over somewhere over the rainbow, the ukulele version. And then it comes in with like a big rap beat. But one of the rap lyrics is,

Man I love bitches, Susan B. Anthony. Your phone's going off. It's distracting. That person can be spoken to later after they were not helpful during the trouble. Really?

No, I'm joking. I'm having a fun time. Well, why doesn't she atone by breaking some leaves? You know, I also... I don't begrudge anyone not doing it, but it was... I'd made a bad situation by... Leaving Australia where we don't have crazy people

that come and offer you? Listen, it's all my fault. You can't hold it against people. But some people did say, they really went, I'm going to help you. Even though I don't want to. And I'm very grateful to those people. And I think it's odd in life when you really need something and it's 11.30 and you call and say, ah!

You want someone who's going to go, even though it's negative. And I'd like to be the kind of friend who, if I had a friend who was that deeply retarded that they orchestrated a vagrancy situation. Do you think I would have done that for you? Yeah, I mean, I don't know that at that time of night you would have picked up the phone. You would have gone, ah, sorry, man. It's on now. Do not disturb.

Sorry, I was watching it. You disturbed me. I was watching a Tucker documentary. Line in the Sand. You watched that yet? No, what happens in Line in the Sand? It's the Project Veritas guy, James O'Keefe. Oh, yeah.

And he embeds with the convoy of immigrants that go from the Dorian Gap and jump on trains. Oh, he comes with them to America. He follows the journey. So it starts off with them jumping on this train and it's got like a coal train. Yeah. And so they're covered in pellets of coal and they travel from the south of Mexico up to the north

and he just embeds in and then gets across the border and shows how they cut through the fence and then the border security takes them in buses. Oh, finds them. Finds them. They want to be found because they get given a backpack with a destination. What? It'll be like Raleigh, North Carolina.

It'll be some town in Idaho. They go to a processing center. They're given a cell phone and then they're dropped off at the airport and they fly to their new home. Is James O'Keefe... Project Veritas. Yeah, but is he pretending

to be Mexican with them? He tries to be everything. Oh, see? Is he? Hold on. Someone's calling me. I'm sorry. No, it's just a telemarketer.

So anyway, you watch how the border security people, they feel very ashamed. They keep saying, we're just doing our job. We're not allowed to really enforce the border. That's what we've been told to do. There is like, Aussie border. But as an Aussie whose visa is... Where's the Planned Parenthood? I make a follow up.

My visa is coming to the end. And I used to be so afraid of American security. I remember them being like Don't put up a picture of you visiting a comedy club If you're here on a tourist visa Or you'll be banned forever And then you watch these documentaries Where people wander across the border

And it's not just all Mexicans There's Turkish guys there Yeah, that's the way we should have come in We could have saved Tens of thousands of dollars Of moving to this country And they get a fast track program To become citizens The green car I'm in. We could have saved tens of thousands of dollars of moving to this country. And they get a fast track program to become citizens.

The green car? Yeah. Yeah, it's nuts. And everybody knows it. And I've never seen a good defense of this system. Actually, I've got a good defense. At least those gardeners coming across the border turn up at a reasonable hour. I've never had a man from Honduras come to rake the garden at midnight. I just, I just, I look, I wish him well.

I wish him well. It was obviously weird. He was having a hard night and he needed somewhere to go. And I've given him a big lump of money. I just, I don't know how to prudentially incorporate the neighbourhood homeless into my life, which I think we're called to do, but also to keep my family safe. If a man says he wants to work and I need work done and I don't have reason to believe that he's not going to be able to do it

except for the fact that he is probably homeless, but he wants to work, don't we owe him the chance to scare the crap out of us at midnight? Listen, I think this would be much easier if you did just have a fence. Your house is very walk-in-able. And you're not an imposing figure. Possibly we have a gun. I don't look at you and think...

I'm not coming out and saying one way or the other, but possibly we do have a gun. Don't f*** with this guy. Now, that's the only swear word that I'm going to allow because I can't edit it out on this software. This homeless dandy. I mean, that's the other thing about you. You dress so poorly. This man is sort of kindred spirit. I will say, yeah,

I wore track pants through the capital. I wore a denim jacket and track pants and grey sneakers and a button-up shirt. It's a wild look and no one treated me weird at all.

Did you notice that? Today in the Capitol? No. No. It's just like, oh, that's an American. Mate, once they saw the buffalo head man, QAnon shaman really lulled the dress code.

The window of fashion has shifted dramatically. They thought there was a gentleman from Kentucky. The gentleman will rise. We heard about the West Virginian. You've got beautiful founding father hair at the moment. It's like long at the back. Flowing. Flowing.

Staying luscious. Nothing rhymes with luscious, does it? In the bushes. So what was the takeaway you had from being at the Capitol? This is your first time in DC. I've been before. I have things to say about it. Yeah. I'd always thought of Washington as a small and sort of insignificant,

like a place that was outside of its glory. I'd heard all these things about it's the richest zip code in America. Yeah, but there's all the weapons contractors and lobbyists. And, you know, you see the dramas in the building whatever but there's so much talk and articles whatever about like how politics really works in america is in boardrooms by the corporations who are by and these people are puppets who basically don't have agency they are just the the figureheads that um international capital capital flows through but being there and seeing it and i know this is what it's designed for it makes me go the u.s government is very powerful that they are making the decisions and everything is so clean and

so clean so idyllic the most charismatic black people showing you around the building. Oh, do you want to sit there? All right. And where do you come from, sir? Australia. We love you in Australia. We love Australia. See up on the back there? That's Moses.

He's looking forward because he receives the law directly from God. That's something I heard being said. Everybody else's faces turn to the left or the right. Moles is looking straight forward. If you spent all your time here, you wouldn't know that there's problems in the United States, for sure. It is so perfectly clean. Yeah, we've been walking around the airport around,

was it Alexandria, Old Town? It's so rich. It's so nice. And the parallel experience, I would say, was with Bentonville, which is the small town That the Walmart family Are setting up And it had the similar The lamps were the same

The facades were similar But it's like That's Like what you can do With profit And a business But hear me out Nothing compared to the wealth

You can have over time With empire And spoils You know how the Superbowl Is in a different city every year Yeah I think Congress And the Senate compared to the wealth you can have over time with empire and spoils. You know how the Super Bowl is in a different city every year? Yeah. I think Congress and the Senate and the President should be a tour, and every year is a new city that they have to run the center of government from so they can really get a feel of what's happening in their country.

They could do it in Kankakee, Illinois, for one year. They could do it in small town Illinois where the factories have closed. And in the factory they make- Let's take this show on the road. Wouldn't that be great? Also, because then the contractors who follow these scumbags around would enrich all the different cities that government is moving around to. Security people would do very, very, very well.

And that's how you would slowly make all these American towns better. And if you were waiting to invade America, you would just wait until they were on the Santa Monica Boulevard. Don't have them too far inland. They're going to be right on the coast. And this year we're in Hawaii with all the senators. And China's like, ah, yes, we'll just surround that with the... We don't even need an ICBM.

We can just lob this one in pretty quick. No, but I really... Maybe that could be something. How beautiful is our capital in America? How beautiful is the... I love how you're saying our. I thought you meant Canberra. Oh, no.

Ours is in Australia, is one of my least favourite architectural... You throwing shade at Burley Griffin? Man, Burley Griffin ain't shit. Burley Griffin ain't shit. That's the second swear word. I enjoyed taking my children to Canberra. It's the same here, though.

It's like school trips. Yeah, a lot of school trips. A lot of bored children wandering around. Oh, I love that architecture. They've just built the Parthenon over and over again. I didn't get to go in today, but I'm hopeful tomorrow to go into the Supreme Court. They were sitting this morning.

We missed it. If we were up earlier, we could have gone and seen our sweet Supreme Court. I love the Supreme Court. It is my favorite branch of the game. Isn't it interesting, though, that the neoclassical architecture, it is just the Greek?

Siphoned through the Roman. Yes. And so the Greeks kind of just nailed that one they did that one they did that one style what do you think of this it's column the only difference was that america put their their bit on because you know you got the ionic column the dorian yeah all those different style corinthian all the modes corn husks yeah at the top of their ponds. Yeah, they have corn husks. But the Greeks offered us that architecture and no one's really bothered to do anything different.

How are you going to do something other than a column? Once you've got the column. No one went like, we'll build pyramids. Yeah, I mean, some of that I think is physics. And like Saving material They could have done The Supreme Court in a pyramid No seriously

How come no one Has like Special hover roofs Just a ceiling that floats Hold on What if you have one Listen to me One big post

Four chains That hold up a type of tent On top I think you'll find The new Government seat of the Confederacy, Bass Pro World, is in a pyramid. They know what's up. I got to go to a big, it wasn't called Bass Pro World,

but it was like an affiliate. Bass Pro has a, it has a pyramid. This one, I've seen that one online, but I got to go to one just outside. It was near Buda, just outside of Austin. And it was so big that there was a like a fiberglass

mountain inside mate I've gone to the one in Springfield Missouri which is the home it's the first store how was it it was a bait shop how was it

well it has the gallery a hunting gallery so the biggest bucks shot in every state did they use this terminology the taxidermy there gun library

well they had this one had a gun library this one had the second library. This one had a gun library. This one had the Second Amendment Hall of Fame. Nice. The gun library didn't have any books, by the way. It was just old guns. This is just like that.

Second Amendment Hall of Fame. What's the guy's name? Johnny Morris. Johnny Morris is the owner of this, and he lives in that small town. It's a fascinating place. They've also got Bass Force One there. What? Bass Force One there. What? Bass Force One is...

Their jet? No, Bass Force One is a fishing boat. Their submarine? That George W. Bush used to go fishing in. I like that. And they have it in the museum. I respect that. It's his fishing boat.

There was an aquarium at this one. And this was really weird. This made the whole family feel funny. Well, they've got an aquarium at this one as well. The fish were still. It's a gelatin. So some of the fish were swimming around. And then I don't know if there's just this kind of a fish in America

or if the fish was so depressed. They're a big fish and not a huge thing. I like to think that the rich people who owned it were like, I can't see the fish. They move too quick. They move too quickly. Make the liquid more viscous so they struggle. Pour more flour into the fish tank.

Viscosify the fish. Fish was not meant to swim. Fazzle the aqua sea. Yeah. You know how I got a great tour of it? Because my opening act. That's how you fish, right? You know, you want them to bite on the hook.

This one, you do it more like the claw game. You lower the hook and you have to insert it into the fish. You just blindly put your arm in there. It was horrifying, the stationary nature of this fish. I don't know if that's just the best fish. I gave this guy a guest spot at the comedy club. I said, what do you do? He says, I'm a marine biologist.

I said, well, you live in Spring springfield missouri how's that the case and he goes i pretty much uh run the aquarium at the bass pro world and he goes you want to see backstage backstage backstage at the bass pro aquarium so we just wandered around and we filled up buckets of fish that we threw in there to feed the various animals yeah hold on what on. What's the lowest... That is a backstage, right? What's the worst backstage possible? The aquarium at a gun shop would be up there. What?

As in behind the curtain? You know, you get to do a gig and I can say, I'll show you the green room. Show you the backstage. Or the theatre. The backstage. I don't know. I think in that town people are big fans of it.

Because he's like this. If you want, we can give the stingrays a pat. No, our countrymen don't do that. Is that a threat? You gave me a softball. I appreciated it. Come on. Let's take a moment to remember the great Australians who have made it in America.

Steve Irwin. Bluey. Paul Hogan. Of course they know him better than we do. Steve Irwin. Bluey. Paul Hogan. Of course they know him better than we do. Paul Hogan. Savage Garden had some hits here.

In Excess. ACDC. Jim Jeffries. Of course Jim Jeffries. We can't say Dame Edna. They never got Dame Edna. I saw Dame Edna on Chris Lilly.

They love Chris Lilly. Yeah we turned our backs on Conan once. Chris Lilley? No one got it. They love Chris Lilley. Yeah, we turned our backs on Chris Lilley. Who else we got there? You know, let's be... If we go actors, we'll get so many more. Hugh Jackman. No, never do the actors. Let's get outside of that.

Margot Robbie. I think she's just had a... Mel Gibson? I like to claim. He is American by birth, but... Raised in... I love you, Mel. The foundries of NIDA... I love you, Mel. The foundries of NIDA.

I love you, Mel. If you're listening, Mel. I love Mel. Who else have we got? Hemsworth 1. Heath Ledger. Hemsworth 2. Heath Ledger.

All right. I went back and watched The Dark Knight again on a flight a month ago. It's one of the five best movies ever. I've watched it so many times. I love The Dark Knight. Big controversial take. I think I watched it nine times. It's so good.

Most seen movies I've ever seen would go Dark Knight, number two. Number one, Gone Girl. Really helped me work through some feelings about a relationship that I had. Yeah, that's how I knew I was in a very bad relationship is I saw Gone Girl and I went, of course. That's exactly what it was like when we were together. What does it say about me that I kept watching The Prestige over and over? You want to commit suicide.

It's a happy ending for you. I want to drown. You know where? In the aquarium? What? This guy gets to kill himself over and over again? What is it? Christmas every day?

I hated the prestige. I was like, why didn't he just make one version of himself and then hide the other guy? I knew a bloke once. He was a sailor. He lied. He said it was agony. It was the worst thing he'd ever experienced. Master White.

Well, that's because David Bowie forced himself into that movie. What? thing he'd ever experienced. Master White. Well, that's because David Bowie forced himself into that movie. What? He played Nikola Tesla. Did he insist? I mean, he...

If you didn't get David Bowie to be Nikolai Tesla in your movie, How is he... He is not... He was... Nikola Tesla is a Croatian... Hello, I'm David Bowie.

Serbian, if you want to be accurate. But we like to claim him in Croatia. Do you? Yeah, he really is a Serb, if you want to be accurate. But we like to claim him in Croatia. Do you? Yeah, he really is a Serb, but he was born in what is Croatian territory. But then David Bowie was just in there? It was good.

I mean, he's not a terrible actor. Back when David Bowie was still walking around inventing lightning and duplication devices. You know what I started watching recently was Stuart Little. And I'd just like to bring that up because it was directed, no it wasn't directed by, it was written by M. Night Shyamalan. It's one of his first big directorial

pieces. It's a really well written movie. There are jokes that go straight to the parents over the kids' heads. I just remember my dad telling me he was always horny for the... What was the woman's name in that? Oh, she's a...

Yeah, she's good. What's her name? I don't know who it is, but you know who the man is? The father's Hugh Laurie. It is Hugh, yeah. Here's one of the jokes that goes over the kids' heads.

The little parents are going to adopt a child. It's like the opening scene of the movie. And they choose a mouse over a child that's desperate? But before that, before they choose the mouse, they go, well, are you looking forward to being here and picking out a child? And Hugh Laurie's character goes, oh, yeah, we're tingling.

And the wife goes, with excitement. We're tingling. And the wife goes, With excitement. Isn't that... That's a good... That's a good pedo child adoption. Isn't that something? It could mean anything, but it could mean that.

I loved... And then here's what I hated. I was watching it on the Roku. Is this the watch with the children? Yeah. So I put it on and it says Stuart Little brought to you by

Walmart it's a watch along and I thought I don't know what the maybe they'll just have some ads you know like what you can buy

the products that you see man so what it opens with mousetraps is like three minutes of light banter from the most characterless

Walmart representatives of you know we got a couple different races in there a couple different you know a man and a woman very light very bubbly wow hey darren i just love watching stewart little right and they're just having a fake conversation about how excited they are to watch stewart little And then they're like, and this is brought to you by Walmart. And then Stuart Little starts. He goes, all right. That was a little like at the movies introductory section of like, whatever. You know, James Lipton introducing a film or whatever.

We used to have that in Australia. Then a few minutes in, they go, wow. The people are back on the screen. They go, wow. Stuart and his family are having a hard time getting along. Everyone's like, yeah. That cat did not like Stuart.

Whatever. And they go, and it's coming up to Christmas time and they're all getting presents. They go, everyone's getting presents in this scene. It's nice to get presents. Christmas time is coming up. Do you know what I think

would be a good gift for Stuart? Is this Hot Wheels set. And they go, yeah, the Hot Wheels set would be fantastic. And then they go, if you click to the kids, if you click the middle button

on your remote. Yeah, you can order it. You can order it. And then they cut back to the movie and then just a couple more times they product placement it. But who would shoot? Why did you put that on?

I was looking up where I could watch it for free on the Roku. I didn't know what the Roku channel was. I usually just use YouTube TV and your Netflix and your Disney Pluses. It happened to be there. I didn't know what a watch-along was. I watched Eyes Wide Shut on Amazon. It had the same feature. Isn't this fun? It was dark be there. I didn't know what a watch-along was. I watched Eyes Wide Shut on Amazon.

It had the same feature. Isn't this fun? It was dark. Yeah. What a beautiful key bowl they're using for that orgy. What a face mask. Our friends at Ikea have bowls. Would anyone like to order some pizza?

In this scene, it's thought that Tom cruise might have been drugged to forget what happened the day before if you'd like some roofies press the middle button on your remote yeah that's i've seen it with uh my girlfriend's been watching like a below deck or something and the girls on it go in a night out and you can pause and see what their outfit is wow bruce willis got out of a rough one there. But if you'd like a rough one yourself, you can pick up a gimp suit by pressing the middle button. Stanley Kubrick was killed after making this film.

Life insurance. There you go. It's your family protected. Wow, Tarkovsky's Stalker is one of the most moving pictures, and everyone died of radiation poisoning shortly afterwards. If you'd like to get together with our friends at... What's that company? What's that, Greens?

Something Greens? Which Greens? Oh, just all those vitamin companies. Athletic Greens? You buy Athletic Greens. AG1. They can reverse some of the cellular damage from time you've spent walking around a nuclear reactor

making a metaphysical exploration of the Russian self. Yeah, I mean, that's the future of content for us all. No ads before, no subscription. Good luck being content when that happens. Buy inside the product. I don't like it. Django Unchained. These guys are having a hard time down at the plantation

if you'd like a slave whips from Home Depot I like the way you die boy that was a Smith and Western Colt 45 I mean if people listen to this podcast what do they get advertised to them

Zin? yeah well I gave a Zin to the possibly homeless man are you Zinning still? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm on the ons, but I had one. I had a nicotine patch. Are you going to be buying Alp?

The guy out front... No, I don't care to make my nicotine purchases political. The guy who was sitting out front of my house... But the people that make Zin hate you, and they hate your family. Yeah, sure. Why do they go for Kamala Harris? Well, why do they make such a beautiful product the guy asked for a cigarette this is one of the reasons i liked him and i didn't feel too scared my wife if my wife had seen this maybe she wouldn't have been so

upset he said you got a cigarette and i said no i got these nicotine patches it feels like a cigarette and i gave i gave one to him when we talking, and 30 seconds later, he went, and he took it out, and he went, that's very strong, and I thought, I'm tougher than a man sleeping rough. No, I thought... You offered him over his nicotine tolerance?

No, I just felt sad. I felt sad that I couldn't even give this man a cigarette, and he clearly wanted the work, and how can we help? It doesn't have the same... I feel so effing powerless in America. There's so much need. There's like visible need of people who are living outside of the loving bonds of community

and do not even have the basic material required for living. Well, mate, don't say that in California because the people say that the biggest bonds, the strongest bonds of community are amongst the homeless inside their little tent cities in Venice or in the downtown. And I once said, we've got to help these homeless people. This is early doors. I said, well, God, I feel terrible. You know, I said, as an Australian, we don't have this kind of homelessness. Yeah, you just want to help.

It genuinely breaks your heart. And this person scolded me at a gig and said, they don't need your help. They're experiencing something we don't have. It's called community. So why would you want to break them up from their choice? Just because you're so unhappy that you think that's a good... I spoke to a Persian driver on my way from this experience. When I got up four hours after that interaction and got on the plane to come to Washington.

And we're talking about Persia. And it was like, yeah, Persia's got Iran, all these issues. I said, you got a lot of homeless in Persia? Was his name Darius? It often is. Xerxes. Xerxes the 700th. He's the director.

They got two names. Oh, so Zoroaster was giving me a lift to the airport. And I said, you got homeless in Iran? He said, no no not really here so many i thought like this has to be reckoned with right like that there are certain types of society that generate homelessness yeah and certain ones that don't and australia doesn't generate huge numbers of homelessness the way america does what's happening in america to generate this mental illness it was the it was the confluence between left and right wing left wing people

thought that mental institutions were cruel and it was not right to put yeah people in mental institutions they had the freedom you know to to be crazy essentially and then right wing people wanted to cut budgets you save money and so they closed them down and these people just wandered around. That's what I'm running on. My first term of office, that nurse who cuts part of your brain out is back on the scene. Oh, you go like this. I'd like to introduce the new Secretary of Health, Nurse Ratchet. Yeah, Nurse Ratchet's coming back. We need a couple more to fly over the cuckoo's nest.

We're calling it Operation Cuckoo's Nest. There's going to be a nest in every city. This annoys me so much. That's what psychotherapy used to be for, was helping people who were going, you know, who were off their rockers. And now we've gone, oh, you know, it's nicer than having a facility

where they get help and care and food and clothes and medicine and, like, we try and rehabilitate them into society. The street, that seems like a kind of, let's have free-range mental illness out there. And then although... It's not like we lost the healthcare, mental health industry. These people just decided to start making money by instead of using their skills to help people who actually need them.

They just help psychopaths climb the corporate ladder. That's what your mental health... That's who's using therapy. It's people who have boring ugly bad jobs so they can make more money who are deeply chemically disturbed it's

people blaming their sh**ty actions on their dad missing their piano recital somebody swears in this one I did it too I did it too

yeah it's evil no if you make $100,000 a year and you don't need a suicide ward don't have therapy did I tell you about this episode of James Donald Forbes we can't catamaran plan brought to you by better help

press the middle button of your Roku device to access the therapist now my company? what's your company? it undercuts better help, it's called help we don't say it's better but it is help, it's essentially chat roulette where the therapists

are just regular people. You go on there, you say your problems, and you just get regular people's advice. Can I tell you... Help! This is a sketch idea

Taylor came up with. I'm feeling really depressed at the moment. Fag! Weak. The sketch she came up with, we would do this voice with each other.

And I'm sort of using it for the opening scene of the movie, but it's the Snossabad hotline. Snossabad? You call up and they go, oh, dog, I'm not doing well. Ah, Snossabad?

What do you mean? Snossabad? We'd say that. Snossabad. I'm depressed. You go for a walk? You have a big glass of water? Snossabad.

Yeah, you could get my grandfather on that, the Croatian man. Yeah. What problem? What problem? What problem? You tell me what problem. You are very weak. You know his philosophy?

If you want to be happy, you must stand. Because at least at the end of the day when you sit, that's the good. If a man sits all day, now he needs to lie. If a man lies all day, what you tell him? What next? Heroin. That's what problem. People lazy need heroin.

Need the drug, need the sex, because no bloody do nothing. Number one, happiness, hot day, glass of water. If you know in the heat, you need wine. You need Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola? He never says Coke. He always goes Coca-Cola.

Coca-Cola. His huge respect for the real name of the product. The Coca-Cola. I know what Coca-Cola when I work hard. I forget who was telling me about the immigrant dad, but it's a big thing for him. Someone, I think it was on the podcast

but someone was like, he loves, yes, the Serb, Alex. Alex, yeah. He was like, his dad would,

or his grandfather would go, well, you like Pepsi? This is a huge thing. He was like, come here, I give you Pepsi. Pepsi. Like this was a huge, you get like come here and I give you Pepsi Pepsi like this was a huge

you get to you get to share Pepsi with people oh I'm doing very well I used to get a I used to get Coke and then I well not Coke

Coca-Cola I did Coca-Cola and then my he would pull out a big leg of speck and I'd go to cut it myself and that was sacrilege he would get out a special

speck speck is like a prosciutto but fattier and he would he would a special... Wait, what's speck? Speck is like a prosciutto, but fattier. And he would just cut me a hock of speck and I would sit there and I would have Coca-Cola and then when I turned 14, I got wine. But the wine was out of the Coca-Cola bottle because he made his own.

What? It's sweet wine that he would make. They would make family wine in Coca-Cola bottles? Yeah, we'd fill it in Coca-Cola bottles. So he would go over there. He pioneered the plastic wine bottle. Yeah, the plastic wine bottle. He was the best.

I mean, he's still alive, but I'm not going to go see him. He's hard to talk to. His hearing aid's annoying. It is tough, the old stuff. What was I going to tell you about? It'll be tough for us, too. About the Croatians. Oh, yeah, so I actually did a better help. Oh, you did a better help? Yeah, I want to tell you about it'll be tough for us too about the about the croatians oh yeah so i did a better

actually did a better help oh you did a better help yeah i want to tell you about this what did you also do a blue shoe and shave your pubes you've got a squarespace website yeah um so anyway i is what did it for you the incredible better help commercials on the rest is history probably the part i just want to share the most insane ad they go dealing with anxiety can be difficult as tom says that and then dominic says you know winston churchill on the eve of the second world war said that he had the greatest night's sleep of his life because he'd been so concerned with the opportunity to test himself in a cataclysmic struggle that when it finally came, he was at peace.

Of course, Tom, not everyone's that good at dealing with anxiety and some people might need better help. You know, King Louis XIV had a lot on his plate. If only he'd had someone to talk to. To help him recharge his emotional batteries. So I opted, after sending a letter with Stamps.com... Dear Better Help. Yeah.

Yeah. How long ago was this? I took some AlphaBrain. When did this happen? I wanted to do one session. Is this recently? Yeah, I was like, I need some CBT. Was this today?

No, I needed some help with my girlfriend. I'm trying desperately to place the time. You don't want to say when this happened. No, because my girlfriend wanted me to get help about how to be better to her. She says that I'm severely autistic. Now, I had to talk to this man about being snappy. Becoming more autistic as this story's going on and he said to me he goes uh he was really not good for me he i explained the problem i'm having with my girlfriend

yeah and he goes yeah it's always best to do this together with the couple rather than by yourself you don't want to do therapy and i go i'm omitting details and getting weird because I don't know how much I'm sharing. It's fine. It's fine. We all have problems. He goes, yeah, often I get the husbands in here saying, I've been sent to therapy. And often I think, really? Well, then she should be here.

And then I get them to come and I often end up slapped. Because I'll tell you what, most of the time it's the wife that needs the bloody therapy. And as soon as you said this, I went, this guy is wrong for me. I don't need more of this influence in my life. And then he said to me, listen, Amos, your problems are actually very normal. We don't need prolonged sessions. I think you've got some issues in talking to women about feelings.

I'm going to give you three cue cards of things you can say to them. That sounds terrible. It must have been a long day at the office dealing with that. Because, okay, most of the problems were my girlfriend would come home from work and she'd want to talk about some gossip issues with staff. I just don't

care. You wanted to talk about Tucker Carlson's talking points. I'd be like, I'd go, Annika, they're not sealing the border the way that I think they should. Mike Pompeo might have a backdoor to eventually getting into this administration. These neocons are disguising themselves. I see what you're saying. Yeah.

So I go, okay. And he just gives me three cue cards and goes, honestly, mate, you just need to learn these. If it doesn't come natural to you, just say this. Just say to her, that sounds like it must have been really difficult. Do you want to tell me some more about how it went? Don't offer to fix it. Don't even go into roasting the person because you'll roast the woman in a way that she doesn't like. Just say, and what did you say?

What did you say? And how did you feel about that? How was that for you? Well, I told Annika about it immediately. And she was like, you cannot see this guy anymore. He can't just give you cheat codes to my emotions. Cheat codes. Up, up, down, down, B, Y.

And I feel like when you enter the code of the podcast that you got, they code you from what podcast you've been listening to to a therapist that matches that oh that would be interesting so i think maybe i'd picked up the code off like rogan or rest is history so they're like i think it was rest is history so like oh this this is a this is a bro yeah you know but if i'd come from call her daddy i probably would have got a different therapist well Well, my therapist I've been to helped. I just thought I had AIDS because I listen to very gay... I don't know.

No, I guess they... I would never do it. Well, I've done therapy one time in my life and it was company mandated. Do you remember that? Yeah, I do. It was awful. I was sent to a therapist because I was difficult to manage at that radio show. Yeah, because it was an evil work environment.

Because it was a terrible work environment. And he agreed with us. Yeah, I went during the pandemic. I actually had a terrible experience. I talked about this on stage one time. I went thinking I had a little bit of ADHD and I, you know, started to... But we'd been locked up for months in Melbourne.

And so we're going through all the things and he's like, right, well, you've... I don't know that this is ADHD. I think this might be manic depression. Because he got all sorts of crap out of me. I went wearing... You know, I was a mess. I hadn't left the house except for this

for two months or something. And he goes, you know, do you have a... Do you feel like you're a rollercoaster of emotions? I was like, yeah! Very hard to control the emotions. I feel like lights flowing through. I was feeling all sorts of crazy

solitary confinement stuff. And we got out of there. And Taylor was like, did you get the ADHD diagnosis? I was like, no. He wants to send me to a mental hospital. And I was like, because it's confidentiality.

I got this brand new jacket. It's all white. It keeps me still. I got calls. Yeah. I got calls from a mental hospital who wanted me to come in for months it was the way you explain i think we're smart enough that we could get any diagnosis. If I went in and said, I want an autism diagnosis.

I want an ADHD diagnosis. I want a manic depression diagnosis. I want a BPD diagnosis. I could get it to match up, I think. People get these ticks off TikTok because if you actually fall into the TikTok algorithm of people that suffer a disease, if you watch it for long enough, you start to convince yourself that you have these problems also.

I don't want to go into this one. I once wrote a poem about that. These young women with canes. All these young women who have appeared with canes. Why was there a problem with that? It's known. They think they've got a real disease. They do.

Yeah. The brain. They have they've got a real disease. They do. Yeah. The brain. They have a mental fragility. I mean, women are weaker physically than men and they used to faint all the time

and we would have special couches everywhere for them. It's like any algorithm. Now we don't have enough couches so they need canes. Do you think you could

get into an algorithm that makes you a communist? I think I'm in an algorithm that's making me a communist. They're getting some of the labor union ones who are like i need to join together and i feel very strong now the wouldn't it be nice to be changed you know in in uh i was always interested in those think tanks they would do in the cold war where they would put you into a soviet think tank here in was Washington. And the idea was to beat our enemy, we have to know how our enemy would think.

So we'll get you to become a communist. We're going to make you a communist. We're going to give you communist literature. We're going to give you what they see, the television they see, the movies they see, the music they listen to. You're going to read their articles and you're going to have professors

who would teach you like you were at an elite school in Moscow. And they genuinely became communists? And and many of them on their way out after being into that for a year or six months would be put on watch lists and sometimes were banned entering says they were too successful because they were too successful of giving them the other anti-capitalist rhetoric and so could you imagine if you have that that level of brainwashing you're able to do it for either side i think you could convince me that i have a limp not here in washington not in washington with these beautiful buildings and those statues i saw today i was ready to wage an

imperialist war for the united states it's uh It's so beautiful. I saw where John Quincy Adams sat. I saw the statues that he would gaze up on, the weirdly full-nippled statue of a lady on a boat in the original house. Also, I know that it's because the 13 states came together

in the join or die thing. But yeah, having a massive statue of a serpent overlooking the house with its jaws. It is satanic. That's a satanic visual element. The one I like about them more, I don't even feel American pride so much as derision to the Brits, which I love. I love the portrait. Oh, you like tearing the Brits down? I love General Cornwallis. I don't know feel American pride so much as derision to the Brits, which I love. I love the portrait. Oh, you like tearing the Brits down? I love General Cornwallis.

I don't know nothing about... General Cornwallis. There's a big portrait of him. Okay. In that room where they had the... Tell me more. Potential of the Hillary Clinton statue. Oh, yeah.

So General Cornwallis was the one who surrendered to America. Oh, I remember that. So he was the general. He also surrendered. I try not to look too much in this very dark chapter of my colonial history. Well, General Cornwallis also surrendered to Napoleon. So he has the dishonor of having to surrender twice. He's one of the great losers.

Oh, his name should go down. I guess it has gone down and he's like got this really sad he's the one that uh tom actor what's the legendary british actor in the patriot he plays him i've never seen the patriot tom wilkinson and i don't think i've ever seen braveheart start to finish i've only seen signs the the only Mel Gibson movie I watch but I watch it a lot I love Signs it's no Stuart Little

it's better now hold on oh 51 minutes of pod we haven't even done anything interesting that's why we always make me come and lay down what you wanted to do something interesting on the podcast? I always thought we'd have a desk and do some topical news.

I'll tell you my idea for your podcast. Do you have jokes in there? I don't want to... Well, I have an idea for you. You need a podcast. Topical jokes. Do you want to hit them with some topical ones? No, I don't like they're going to care.

All right. Well, that's a nice fizzle out. No, no, no, no, no. Hold on. I've learned anything about America. It's that you've got to prepare, James. It's a prepper country. Yeah.

You prepping? No. What are you prepping for? Well, you know, you get water. You get tin food. Yeah. You buy a Harris-Waltz sign so FEMA will look after you in a cyclone. Nice.

Come on, folks. Nice. But seriously, James. That was last week. I know. That's why I said it. I've given up on this. Yeah. But here's the tag. It depends on, folks. But seriously, James. That was last week. I know. That's why I've given up on this. But here's the tag. It depends on the disaster.

America is so politically divided, you need to have enough signs for each wing to be looked after in a disaster. If your house is burning down, firemen are more conservative. One day firemen will look at you and go, yo, how many genders is there you go two let it rip boys something like that that house is flaming the only flames we like is the ones

in the wood the flamers we let them burn something, there's a lot of homosexual firemen. Yeah, it's your premise of firemen would never want gay dudes to survive is deeply questionable. The least, maybe the least politicized men in uniform

in America. You haven't gone with the police being like anti-black. You've gone with firemen hate gays. That stereotype that we're all deeply familiar with of the homophobic fire person. Ladies and gentlemen,

you've been listening to the James Donald Fools. Cut all that out. I was not serious. Don't you dare. That was all good. Don't you dare put that

in. That was all good. Go away. That was all good. It's not good at all. No, there's no problem with any of that. James. Hey, it's Mitch from SideNote Podcast,

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