The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Vancouver: Repulsive

Episode Date: May 28, 2023

Tickets to Anna Freer's upcoming violin and poetry show in Adelaide: https://www.trybooking.com/events/landing/1030260Patreon: www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessie Crookshank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend.

I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime. Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back. CBC News brings the story to you as it happens.

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I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween.

Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Well, it's another Sunday night in the Volvo. I've been out at the footy, getting on it, having a couple of cheeky brewskies with the boys,

and the crowboys got up. Oh, I remember the last time I went to the football on a Sunday night and I came back home, the crowboys got up oh i remember the last time i went to the football on a sunday night and i came back home the crowboys went down but tonight the crowboys got up over a very very good side i think we're headed for the finals it's unbelievable to have a good team to be on a winning side that's how oh that's how life is meant to be. Football is so important for the brain. I don't know. I think that the correlation between people who are on antidepressants and people who don't watch football has got to be tight. Let me tell you, if you're trapped in a mind prison, being drugged by a doctor and you watch the football. I'm sorry, there's nothing I can recommend to you other than exercise and prayer.

But, hot dog if you're on the antidepressants and you don't watch football. Hey, hey, hey, give the football a go. Welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan, although I've got to say, if your team is no good in the football, it might not help very much. Oh, no! And the likelihood that your team will do well by the end of the year? One in 18.

It's not good, man. I still feel bad about it. I believe it was the 2017 grand final that the Crowboys went down to those dirty, dirty Richmond Tigers. Oh, what was I going to say? Hey, welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Blend. Listen, I've had a few, but I did record much of this podcast earlier in the week when I was a stone cold Steve Austin sober.

Let me tell you, I was sober as a judge, but not one of those good judges. I was sober as one of those judges who makes a lot of bad decisions. So there are going to be some, what would we call them? I want to call them tent pegs, tent poles. Tent pegs, tent poles, the tent poles of sobriety holding up the canvas of we just won against Brisbane. Suck it, Fitzroy. Gee, the Crowboys are good. You don't have to have the best midfield in the competition to be one of the better teams.

Let me tell you that. Boy, oh boy. Boy, oh boy, wowee. Great golly gosh. Okay, first thing. Now, there's so much to get to as well in the episode. Number one, I interviewed my friend Anna Freer, and I'd been promising Anna that I would interview her about her upcoming violin concert. She's a very fine violin player. She's been off in Switzerland learning to play the violin, and I might add, spreading the good word about the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan.

So before we get into the episode, Anna, what an episode it is with many, the things that have been happening this week. Wow. Just before Anna Freer came out and we did the interview, I recorded some of the most professional sounding podcast sounds of my life. And there is such exciting news. But first, here is our interview with Anna Freer about her upcoming violin concert in Adelaide. Long-time listeners will know you as the woman who's introduced us to disabled Swiss people. It's a great bathroom. Yes, there's a poster that went up. All right, now. It's a great bathroom. Yes, there's a poster that went up.

Alright, now. It's my favourite bathroom in the school. Your favourite bathroom in the whole school? They're always, they have more room that you can have a good cry in. That's beautiful. Weeping is the most profound disability of all. Now, let me say, you're a violinist. You have a show

on Thursday and we want people to go, no, am I wrong about that? Not this Thursday. Oh, no, is it not? Is it the Thursday after? June. Is it the 8th of June? Oh, that's ages away.

Hmm. Well, we'll do this again later with a better... I'll still post a link to it because it would be nice to help people get there. What are you going to play? So many things. Maybe don't... I just have... I have a chip in my mouth.

I'll wait until you're done with the chip. You'll be playing the violin. Yes. Solo. Oh, is this the Bach thing that we saw the other day that you played for us? That's tomorrow. Literally, that's before this episode goes out. That is before this episode.

Well, you've missed that one, listeners. We do have some Bach. There's Bach, Die meine Schakorn and some other things. Sounds like you've said D-Minor Chicken. That's cheap. Isn't it? Do you want to talk a bit about your violin concert? I'm done now.

I'm done now. No, no, no. I don't. Okay, violin concert, 8th of June at the North Adelaide Baroque Hall. Where have you been for the last few years? Oh, I've been in Switzerland. Learning? The violin.

You're so good at the violin. I'm so good at the violin. And yeah, putting up your posters in the disabled toilets. Longtime listeners will also recognise Anna as you wrote the introduction to my book of poems where you didn't like the poems. I love you. So that's July 8th. June 8th? June 8th, July 8th.

June 8th. And ticket link below. And now it's time for my very sophisticated episode about Canada. Hark, friend. Crithy, do you hear that noise? Oh, it is a happy noise. Methinks it is a most joyful noise indeed. A northern noise.

Ready to whisk me away to Canada. We had an incredible success last week. I, on a whim, recovering from the coronavirus, did an episode about the town of Whitehorse where we happened to have one listener. By the way, this is me, James, again, who's had too many drinks in the car. And what I'm about to play you is a piece of audio that I recorded describing what happened when I... I'm just going to play it for you, all right? It's more professional. Here it is.

Of course, at first we just had one white horse listener. Who knows how long they laboured in obscurity in the remote wilderness of Whitehorse, listening to the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan, no matter where they went. The shops, the movies, visiting the museum or the Rotary Peace Playground gazing into the mighty river Yukon

all alone in the tundra listening to the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan but after my instigating episode on White Horse last week well all of a sudden they weren't quite so alone anymore say what's that over there? Why, it's... Two, three, four,

five, and now six. Six glorious listeners from the glorious township of Whitehorse. That's right. We used to have one Whitehorse listener. Then I did an episode about the town of Whitehorse, and then we have six. Six Whitehorse listeners. Can you believe that? That is well on the way to being enough people for me to go to the Yukon, to one of the more remote parts of Canada, and to put on a comedy show.

I want to say an enormous thanks to everybody who got back to me from Whitehorse, including my original Whitehorse listener, who apparently discovered me through the Matt and Shane Secret Podcast. Thank you to all those wonderful boys for helping me, the dogs, and getting me in touch with someone in Whitehorse. And that person who was the listener reached out to Steve, who runs the Comedy Geeks there, and Steve got in touch with me, too. I'm going to spend this week getting back to all of those White Horse people and into, you know, it's like when you start, when a fire starts to spread and it starts to burn, you've got to blow on that flame to help it blossom into a beautiful, powerful flame. It needs to be blown on.

And so I'm going to blow on all of my White Horse listeners this week to help transform that into an absolute wildfire. Speaking of wildfire, oh, Canada is being attacked by a wildfire this week. I'm sorry, Canada. As an Australian, I know all too well what it's like to have a wildfire in your country. I thought your country would be too cold for this sort of thing. So thoughts and prayers

going out to the good people of Canada, and we'll have more on that in a moment. I just thought I should say as we enter the approaching the ninth minute of the podcast, hello and welcome to the James Donald Forbes Catamaran Plan. This is a podcast where I'm trying to raise $500,000 to buy a boat. I guess if you don't know that, then the rest of the podcast has seemed pretty higgledy-piggledy. But I'm going to America later this year. That's where I want to go. I'm just going to do some shows there and go on some podcasts, hopefully. And I haven't really organized any of it yet, but I can't make any money in America. So what I'm trying to do to grow the podcast and pay for it is build a Canadian fan base. That's what I'm saying. That's what this is about. That's the arc that we're on at the moment for me to have my own

arc. If by arc you mean catamaran. Maybe it will function as an ark, but I don't imagine that for $500,000 I'll get every animal in the world on unless they're kept in zygote form in some sort of refrigerator. I'm going to Canada because the visa situation allows me to do gigs there, and so I'm going through every place in Canada

to see if we can grow the fans. And the White Horse Experiment, as mentioned, resounding success. Resounding. It has resounded. It's resounded so much that on today's episode, we're talking about the next in the alphabetical hierarchy. It's Vancouver. Vancouver.

And I'm very sorry to say this about Vancouver, but I've never been to Vancouver. And I'm very sorry to say this about Vancouver, but I've never been to Vancouver. That's not the thing I'm sorry to say. That's just a fact. I mean, I've never been to Canada, so I couldn't have gone to Vancouver. But boy, do I hate Vancouver. Just based on the YouTube videos that come up about Vancouver, when you type it in to try and learn more about it, and the Wikipedia page for Vancouver, which is an extraordinarily left-wing Wikipedia page. It's got a profound anti-colonial bias, and it's just hugely boring.

I'm going to... Listen to this one. Listen to this. I've got two little quotes here from the Vancouver Wikipedia page. Here's one. Vancouver became a cultural centre as poets, authors, artists, musicians, as well as dancers, actors and haute cuisine chefs flocked to its scenery and warmer temperatures

with the cultural and entrepreneurial community bolstered by many draft dodgers from the United States. So they're managing to simultaneously sing Vancouver's praises and try to make the argument that America's imperialist Vietnam War somehow improved cuisine in Vancouver. I mean, okay. I can't imagine that was one of the, you only get so much time on a Wikipedia page and that's what you're going to go with? And I've looked up Vancouver's cuisine. Nothing interesting at all. I've tried.

I'm trying to find things about Vancouver that I love. Because if I do hit it big in glorious Whitehorse, which every fact I read about Whitehorse fired off a great big shot of dopamine in the brain. As I was reading the Vancouver Wikipedia page, I was just sinking into further and further despair. But Vancouver is one of the easiest ways to get up to Whitehorse. I think I might try and find a way around it. You know what it is? Vancouver strikes me as being just like Perth, which won't mean anything to the non-Australians,

but they're both away from the mainstream of the country, if you will. They're both on the West Coast. They're both very isolated. They both have a lot of tall buildings and natural resources combined with finance, and they just don't seem to have proper histories. Really boring, lefty Wikipedia pages. The cuisine that the Draft Dodgers did so well to compliment appears to be the... ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture,

but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a node. That's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out now wherever you

get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com It's something called a Japo dog, which is just a hot dog with Japanese stuff on it. It's like you let a university student decide what your cuisine was going to be. What is it? It's a hot dog, but it also has horseradish. I mean, give me a break. I'll give you another one. I'll give you another thing from the Wikipedia page. Tensions emerged also.

This is on the, I forget what the also refers to as the other tension, but tensions emerged also from the counterculture movement of the late 1960s, of which Vancouver and Nanami were centers. Yeah, such a center of the late 60s bloody counterculture movement that I don't know how to say it. Paris was the center of the late 60s counterculture movement. Los Angeles, New York City. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Anyway, I'll go on. The conflict between hippies and Vancouver Mayor Tom Campbell was particularly legendary, culminating in the Gastown riots of 1971. Particularly legendary. Give me a f***ing break, person who's written the British Columbia slash Vancouver, I forget which Wikipedia page I took this from. I mean, particularly legendary. You know what was particularly legendary? The f***ing Iliad. Alright?

The Helen of Troy was particularly legendary. particularly legendary. I don't think anyone outside of Canada knows about the Gastown Riots of 1971 except for me, which I will now read to you about. The Gastown Riot, also known in the plural as Gastown Riots. I wonder if that should be more like attorneys general. It was also known as, quote, the Battle of Maple Tree Square. So what was happening, they were having a smoke up to protest not being allowed to smoke marijuana. And so people went to the Gastown neighborhood

in Vancouver and they smoked their marijuana. And the police were later accused of heavy-handed tactics, quote, including indiscriminate beatings with their newly issued riot batons, end quote. Oh, how I would have loved to be with them. Riot baton in hand, bringing it down upon the face and head of a stoned miscreant. I don't think anyone died in the Gastown riots,

so I feel sort of comfortable saying that. I don't obviously condone police brutality, but, you know, even I can make exceptions. It's just such a boring, boring Wikipedia page. Ah, here's something I had in Canada. There is a big woke thing happening in Canada that seems to be, people talk about it, but I just thought that was, you know, in the same way that people spoke about homelessness in LA. Yeah, it's there, but it's not everywhere. But I was reading about, I thought, well, what if I take, what if I become so, this is my fantasy, what if I become so successful at comedy? Sorry, I will just say I did read the British Columbia and Vancouver Wikipedia pages while recovering from the coronavirus. And I think

I may have suffered neurological damage at that time to the part of my brain that could feel dopamine. So I was just so angry and sad while researching this. It's probably nothing to do with Vancouver. I'm sure it's a great place to go, but just, I was filled with so much hate and disgust while reading the relevant Wikipedia pages. Oh, holy, and then I, so here's my fantasy. My fantasy is I get so famous in Canada, not doing a very good job of it on this episode, but I get so famous in Canada, I get through a rail journey across Canada, right? With my family. I take my whole family. So I typed in family rail journey, Canada.

And there's this whole website for taking your family on a rail journey. And here's a quote from that website. Canada has everything for incredible family journeys. Traveling with your family is one of the best ways to make memories that last forever. Thanks to Canada's diversity, natural wonders, safe cities and kid-friendly activities, this is the perfect place for the family getaway. Now, I'll give you natural wonders. I'll give you safe cities.

No one wants the children being abducted. And I'll give you kid-friendly activities. I'm sick of countries trying to get my children to play with hot knives and things like that. But why does diversity, for all the other good things that diversity is, woke Canada, why would diversity make for a better family holiday? Do you know what I mean? Like, if I went to a not particularly diverse country, say Iran, which is mostly made up of Iranians, would I go with my family on a holiday there

and have as my main negative takeaway there were too many fucking iranians present do you know what i mean i think we just go that's iran what it's not a what how would it possibly be a better family holiday for being diverse why would i go what what you go to south sudan and you go can we get some more Chinese people up in here? Why are there no Mexicans in South Sudan? It's mostly South Sudanese, it's not especially diverse. Look, I hope to find things that I really love about Vancouver and to make an effort on the Vancouver front.

But not today. We're going to, I think, go to Winnipeg as the next one, which is alphabetically what I should have done to begin with. I really enjoyed reading about Winnipeg, not just because they're called Winnipeggers. So next week, maybe I'll do some more on Winnipeg. Or I will say that overall, the history section on the Canada Wikipedia pages, very dull. In the same way that I'm sure Australia's are dull because we haven't had enough war, frankly.

War really makes for a more exciting... If you're on the American state, you know, you're looking at Pennsylvania, you've got the War of Independence, you've got the Civil War, you've got all the other war-type activities and struggles and difficulties. On the Australian and the Canadian Wikipedia history pages for a state, it's just like, well, there were some very nice First Nations people living there. And then Whitey came and did a very bad job. And then there was, people just sort of have been sorting it out for 120 years. And now there's lots of Chinese people and no one can afford a house. That's the great arc of both Canadian and Australian history. With some wildfires thrown in.

Again, I'm sorry about the wildfires. Now, I don't want to punch down on Vancouver. I'm sure there are great things about Vancouver. If my Vancouver listener can maybe get in touch and tell me good things about Vancouver that I can celebrate and talk to about, I'd love that. But at the moment,

I'm Team Whitehorse all the way, baby. Now, I apologize. It's getting quite late. And I do have something to play you. My children a couple of weeks ago came to me, my little children, my four-year-old, my two-year-old, and they said, we want a song for your show, Daddy. And I said, well, why should I have your music on my show?

Children, why shouldn't I just have it as a creative outlet for me? And they said, because diversity makes everything better from a holiday via rail in Canada to your podcast. And I said, by goodness, the woke agenda has corrupted my sweet, humble little children. As my four-year-old, my four-year-old came to me and said she wanted to make a song for my show and my two-year-old

wanted to join in too so we made a song together i did the synthesizer solo at the end and i've got to say i've made some of the production decisions but you'll be able to hear my children's contribution as well this is bing dang dong by i guess the mcc family. Thank you very much for listening to the podcast this week. Here's Bing Dang Dong. I'll be back with further work. Thank you to all my wonderful White Horse listeners. Thank you to the Crowboys. Thank you to the people of Vancouver

for tolerating what I'm sure is a very unfair characteristic, but might I just say, get that Wikipedia page in order. Maybe spruce it up a little bit more. It's just dreadful. All right, here's a Bing Dang Dong by the McCann family. Go! Boom! Go! Boom! Go! Bye! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Bubble!

Bubble! Bubble! Sample! Sample! I said sample! Sample!amba samba I said samba samba Samba samba Rose I said rose Rose I said rose

Go Go Go Go Bye Pop Boom! Boom! Bye! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!

Bubble! Bubble! Sample, sample, I said sample, sample. Sample, sample! Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, I think I think Rose. Rose! Rose! I think Rose. Go! Move! Go! Move! Go! Go! Nice! Bye. Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe,

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Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone the biggest stories in pop culture but when i have questions i get to phone a friend i found my old friend dan levy you will not die hosting the hills after show i get thirsty for the hot wiggle i didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com.