The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Venice Beach, Inglewood & Steubenville

Episode Date: October 23, 2022

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Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessie Crookshank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend.

I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessi Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend,

I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on.

Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com James has been flying in airplanes for many days now. He aims to fly, not through the air, but through the sea. But now, finally, and not to fly, but to sail,

he has arrived, he is here, he has made it. But where has he gone? The United States of America. What a beautiful place. I'll tell you what happened to me just now. I tried to, so I woke up and it was, it's like 1am. Just before 1am and I was very hungry. So I looked up Uber Eats and there's no Uber Eats.

Because this is a smaller town. And so nothing was open on Uber Eats. Maybe there wasn't even anything on Uber Eats. I don't really understand. And I looked up McDonald's and it said there was a McDonald's open about a mile away, several miles. It was a few, it was a couple of Ks away, I think. Anyway, so I walked down to the McDonald's and it was open, but it was only open as a drive-thru. This doesn't really happen in Australia. if the drive-thru is open

there's a nominal non-drive-thru space there was only a drive-thru and I don't have a car I'm not driving over here at the moment so I tried to walk around the drive-thru and they just weren't having it I knocked on the window of the drive-thru and they just weren't having it. I knocked on the window of the drive-thru and the manager inside said,

does anybody know this gentleman? I'm not really able to do the voice. I wasn't going for Southern there, but she said, does anybody know this gentleman? And the whole team said no. And she said, you need to move, sir. It's always nice when people call you sir in a hostile manner you need to move sir that is a safety hazard and i was saying could i just i'm

looking i haven't eaten i haven't eaten in a long time you gotta move sir there's there's maybe no one more unpleasant in the whole world than um it's the manager of a mcdonald's at unusual hours of the night so i i thought okay well how am i going to get food because i'm very hungry i'm very hungry and i'm frankly fascinated by the thought of an american mcdonald's will the burgers be just as succulent and small and expensive as they are down under? So I tried to order an Uber. I thought I would be able to order an Uber, get in the Uber, and then just have the Uber go round the drive-thru.

And then I would say goodbye to the Uber. So I tried to call an Uber, and Uber charged me. And then no Uber came. Hopefully I get a refund for that, but i couldn't get an uber and i thought well i guess the last option here is standing by the front of the mcdonald's asking if i can get into people's car or just hand them some money and have them buy some mcdonald's for me and um i look down at myself and I'm wearing sort of like mint green trousers and a mint green but not the same green quite jacket and bright white new

sneakers I bought new sneakers before I came over and I've got massive big dumb hair and a stupid beard. And I thought, oh, I'd look insane. You know, this is, I think, knocking on people's car window at 2am, asking for them to help you with your McDonald's is, I can just see that being the start of an article where the headline is that I've been shot and killed. I just don't. And the fact that this McDonald's was next to a gun shop where you could buy a gun on credit. I'm not saying that America is a gun crazy, you know, place.

Other people are saying that, but I'm not saying that. But I did just think. Currently, I'm either stuck in an anecdote or a cautionary tale and I'm not sure which it is so I I think I'll just walk back to the place where I'm staying and sleep the hunger off and there's no shortage of sleep that I could use because yesterday or two days ago yesterday when I first got here to America, I landed at LAX, which is a funny name for an airport. I wouldn't call it LAX because it's very uptight. Anyway, I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream in my cardigan. Is that what she says in that song, Miley Cyrus?

Hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream in my cardigan? I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream in my cardigan So someone told me that I should go to Venice Beach My friend Amos He said if you go to LA and you have a layover And you're there for a few hours Go to Venice Beach It's the nearest place you can go and see things So I did

I got in an Uber And a lovely Uber driver He didn't use the word extra but he's an extra and he told me about how he's he was in ben kenobi he's in the first episode of the obi-wan kenobi show as a man who looks after the royal family on a plane or a spaceship i think they're i suspect they're called and i said oh yeah I said, are you on the Wookieepedia? Are you on Wikipedia for Star Wars? And he said, no. But he showed me a picture of him in Star Wars

and I thought that was very cool. So he dropped me off at Venice Beach, what I really can only describe as a beach full of schizophrenic people. Like relaxed, happy, schizophrenic people. Like relaxed, happy, schizophrenic people in the most wonderful weather, big glorious sand, but like a lot of angry conversations with themselves. I don't think that the beach turns people into unhinged homeless people. I think that's, if you are a homeless person, I can't imagine a better place in the world to go to than Venice Beach. It was beautiful. It was warm.

I walked from Venice Beach to Santa Monica and back again. And this was like a couple of kilometres. I don't know what it is in miles or kilometres, and I was just dragging my big suitcase and hating myself for not having left my suitcase at the airport somewhere, which I presume is an option. And I'm just clackety clackety clackety clackety clack, just this huge noise walking past. I went past the hotels because I thought, right, I've got to get, I've got to sleep because it's been 20, you know, it's been a full day and I

haven't slept. I've just been on a plane for 11 hours and I didn't sleep and stop over in the other plane. I haven't slept anyway. Let me sleep. So I would go into the hotel and say, do you have a day rate? I want to do a day rate. And the shock with which they looked at me for asking for a day rate. Excuse me, sir? And I'd later realize, I think when I say day rate with my accent, it sounds a lot like I'm saying, I want to do a date rape. Can I please have this hotel for a date rape but I was

trying to say I know this is an expensive hotel I wasn't saying that I don't know that anyone ever would that's really not the way to do it but I was just trying to you know can I give you 50 bucks and then sleep on a bed for like just sleep on the floor at this point. Do you just have a safe place where I won't get mugged that I can sleep on the floor? Please. No one was having it. This is not a thing you can do. No one had a day rate.

So then I just walked. I thought maybe I could just sleep on the beach and become a schizophrenic in Venice Beach. People are leaving them alone, and they seem to be leaving each other alone. And I do look like a crazy person. Maybe that is the way that i get my rest but i didn't do that i um what did i do i got in a i got in another uber and i tried to go to a public library because i thought i'll be able to close my eyes at the public library and at least use their wi-fi

because i i was paying huge amounts for roaming internet at that point so I thought I need to figure out the internet situation I haven't done this yet and I looked up the nearest public library to the airport so it'd be fast and that was in a place called Inglewood which um I didn't know this prior to getting there but it's very black it's the it's the most black place I've ever been um I was the only white person at the library uh and at the supermarket I walked around Inglewood with my big dumb suitcase then for uh I know I spent like four or five hours in Inglewood. I bought some socks. And I saw one other white person. And I got to say, I really preferred it to Venice Beach.

Inglewood was great. There's a lovely sense of community. I went to a swap meet, which is like a warehouse full of cages. I don't know how else to describe. And every cage is a shop. The Inglewood Public Library is wonderful. Everybody always talks about underfunding for inner city communities, which I think is, I think when they say that, they're talking about Inglewood. The Inglewood Library is sensational.

I loved it. Everyone was so nice to me and what did I eat did I eat anything did I eat something I don't think I ate there either I usually I eat quite a lot and I'm a big fat monstrosity but I don't know that I ate anyway I finally went back to the airport, and I got to the airport with, I got to the airport so early I couldn't check in. About 50 minutes of semi-interrupted shut-eye at the airport, and I ate there. I ate a chicken burger.

Did I eat a chicken burger? I did eat a chicken burger. Not that it's exciting. And then I got on a Spirit airline and I thought I'd be able to sleep on the Spirit airline to Steubenville. Well, to Pittsburgh where I flew in. And again, sleep was, I was unable to sleep. The chairs didn't go back and the chairs were very small and very hard. It's a very budgety airline. And then I arrived in Pittsburgh.

ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle.

I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jessi Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com.

And Pittsburgh had the most beautiful airport I've ever seen. It was so 90s, colourful, welcoming. I just felt so happy. And I ordered donuts and coffee for the lovely man Mark who picked me up. He's a writer. And I'd written to him saying I liked his writing. and he said, hey, you want to stay here when you come and visit Steubenville? Because I wanted to visit Steubenville. So he's put me up and that's so kind. And he has a

podcast and I went and I did his podcast, the New Polity Good Money podcast. And I don't know if that podcast will ever come out because I hadn't slept in two days. And I'd been on many planes. And I'm sure I had a terrible smell. That's not why you wouldn't release the podcast. You can't smell me through the podcast. But I think I was, they're really smart people.

They're, you know, theologians and economists, and I think I just said insanely stupid things with my mouth hanging open, staring at the walls for like an hour. I don't remember everything that I said. I hope something can be salvaged in the edit there, but I'm pretty sure I was obnoxious and talking over people and talking over them with really incoherent staff. So I'd like to apologize preemptively to them, Jacob and Mark, and that other lovely man who, what was his name? Hold on, I'll write it down. They had a lovely man who was

pushing the buttons and I wrote his name down. Hold on one second. His name was Josiah. I apologize. I hope it wasn't all bad. I think I'm a better, nicer person in real life. Well, that was in real life, wasn't it? But when I've slept, although I have just slept,

and I also feel like an insane person. As I just stood, the food being inside, I had the money to pay for the food at the mcdonald's i was ready to go are you still hung up on the mcdonald's thing everyone is sort of sealed up in their cars and it felt like a very uh well it wasn't quite symbolic for the car separating people from society and and community and connection because um that that was what was happening. Like they were literally, like I couldn't talk to and explain. They had their windows up.

It was like one degree. I don't know what that is in America weather, but it was pretty cold. And I wanted to communicate with them, but they're in their car and you don't want to knock on people's, hey, excuse me, I'd like some McDonald's. I mean, this seems imprudent. But I will now sleep. Where will I sleep? Will I do the work that I meant to do on the plane and didn't do,

writing about dog anxiety, so that I can afford this insane venture? Oh, just a short addendum. It is the next morning. I have gone for a walk this morning. I got up and I went out of the basement where I'm staying and I saw a beautiful park on the hill. So I went up this hill and I walked up this beautiful park in Steubenville, Ohio.

The most beautiful, big, tall trees. It's the fall. It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. I've looked at the whole town. I realized pretty quickly into the walk that it is a graveyard. But I've never seen a graveyard so large or opulent. They do things bigger here in America, including death.

And it's just so tremendous. I want to do a big shout-out, before I say anything else, to the deceased person or their family who donated the bench that I'm currently sitting on. There's a lot of bench donations. Actually, this one might not be a donated bench. No, it doesn't have a name on it. Maybe it was donated and they're just very humble. I wanted to add this addendum to say that after the McDonald's horror of last night,

I did get up this morning and I did go to that McDonald's. And it's slightly embarrassed to say this. I realized the door that I had tried to use last night was broken. So I'm not 100% sure that I actually couldn't get into the McDonald's or if that door was broken and I should have used the other door, which was potentially very silly of me. I think it was still closed, but definitely also the door was open. I don't know. Maybe we'll never know. Maybe that's a poem and we'll never know the answer. I ordered a sausage egg McMuffin. I ordered a sausage egg McMuffin for breakfast. I ordered a sausage egg McMuffin for breakfast. I ordered a sausage egg McMuffin this morning with an orange juice and a what I call a long black but here in the states they call it Americano the coffee was fine people rag on American coffee I enjoyed it the orange

juice was way better like no competition it was delicious it was I mean I think it was actually less natural and more pumped full of sugar and I'd be shocked if that's just straight oranges out of the squeezer but man whatever they're adding it improves matters dramatically perhaps not for the waistline but the taste buds say thank you very kindly the cheese on the sausage egg muffin was it had a zing to it it had an excitement and this is what most took me by surprise the hash brown was bigger it was a bigger more opulent hash brown from graves to houses to hash browns oh and now i'm i'm at the top of this graveyard and the graveyard overlooks a the high school baseball as you know and they're building a i think a new car park for high school but big red baseball and I just feel like I'm here with all the dead looking on at the baseball this is America

I'm so happy to be here I'm so happy to be I'm so happy to have slept properly since the last time I recorded something and spoke to you. I miss my family. I miss my community. I love Steubenville, Ohio. I love the people here. They're letting me do a little show for them tonight. It's a free show because, you know, whatever the visa. I don't have a visa. I'm a tourist.

But I'm volunteering to speak to a room full of people in Chesterton & Co's Cigar Bar. Check that out. That will have already happened by the time you listen to this. I just want to say I love you. This is America. I feel good. Get up off of that thang. Papa's got a brand new bag. Baby, we're going to get that catamaran. I'm going to grow. I'm going to know. I'm going to show. It's up a very big hill in this graveyard as well that I had to walk. I mean, I'm just exhausted. You've never seen such an incline. It's like a mountain walk. And I think it's because you're meant to drive. Like they've built a graveyard that really comfortably you can only get to see your

relative if you like drive for a kilometer through it's an automotive it's like a drive through a graveyard and that you know that puts you on edge ah it's the alienating so many positive things to be alienated so many spooky things i love you i miss want you. I need you. Thank you. សូវាប់ពីបានប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្� Thank you. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show.

I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jessi Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.