The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - Very Important Person

Episode Date: September 30, 2023

Reserve your spot at the ART AUCTION TWO, coming October 13 at praxis in Adelaide: https://www.trybooking.com/events/landing/1061839get onto the patreon: www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out

now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com This episode is all about feeling important. Everybody likes to feel important. We have been created to be elevated. Nobody wants to feel unimportant. Everybody wants status, prestige.

Why, I tell you, I feel important when I walk through the door of my home and I know that I have the love of my wife and children. But what about lonely people? How do they feel important? Well, often they don't. And so they work very hard at their jobs and they accrue big mountains of money. And does that make them feel important, you think? Well, sometimes, yes. It's no bad thing to want to feel important. You've got dignity and that is important. You are worth more than the birds of the sky

or the bees of the hive or all the other animals. You're an important person. And it's sad that we live in a society that doesn't celebrate that nearly enough. Well, I'm here to celebrate it. More than that, I'm here to see if I can use that impulse to feel important to, um, well, to make some money. And then buy a boat.

I love it when it comes back to the boat. It always comes back to the boat eventuary. So the first plan enacted on the James Donald Forbes for Cannes catamaran plan was an art auction that I organized. Started out as a joke, quickly turned into an actual art auction. I was absolutely terrified putting it on. Turned out to be a big success. Great episodes over at the start of the podcast if you want to listen to them. We're doing it again.

And it's bigger. And it's better. And it's more exciting but I am faced with how do I get hundreds and hundreds of people together to buy art in one place? So when you have an arts festival like the Adelaide Fringe or the Melbourne Comedy

Festival or the Edinburgh Fringe or the Dunedin Fringe, Wagga Wagga Fringe, Louisiana Fringe and when you need people to come to your show, what a lot of comedians and performers will do, will talk about how hard they're loaded in life. Oh, it's so difficult to get people. No one's coming to my show. I'm a big loser.

And somehow people think that by admitting that, that people will want to come along to their event. It's sickening. No one should ever do it. You've got to play from strength and empathy. Not only am I great, but other people want to come along. That's the way to be a success. I do believe.

And as with doing a comedy show, so too with putting on an art auction. So the question is, you know, you put on a comedy show, what do you want people to feel? You want them to feel as though they come along and they're going to have a very funny time. And with the art auction, I don't think that's quite your, you know, funny, great, but not what people think of when they think spending a lot of money on art. It's like, you know, you go to the Victoria's Secret lingerie performance and maybe the ladies are funny, but they don't have to be for it to be what it's meant to be. So what do they want? What do they want?

What do people want when they come to the art auction with top art, which we've already got. We've already got the art in a cool space. They want to feel important. Everybody likes to feel important. Everybody likes to feel important. Well, I guess some people actually like to feel unimportant. Like when businessmen pay a lady to walk around on their back or hit them or call them nasty names. I'm not sure what that one's about. We don't want those sort of people coming to the art auction, frankly. This degenerate type walking around on your back behaviour. Let's try that

again. Every good, decent, normal person wants to feel important. And that's what I want for the art auction. I want people to come along because they feel that by coming along, they will be marked out as a very important person. Well, the question is, how do you let people know that if they come to your event, they're going to feel as though they are people of very important status? I'll tell you how. Very important person lanyards. That's right, lanyards. Middle management medals, as I have never called them before, and probably will never call them again. We've got lanyards, middle management metals, as I have never called them before and probably will

never call them again. We've got lanyards. I've saved money on the lanyards. I'm worried that they don't seem as important because of the ways that I've saved money. But let me quickly tell you. So I've got one here. I've got to test one. Yes, I've got one right here. And it says on the front of the lanyard, it says James Donald Forbes McCann Art Auction VIP Admit 2. Let's get two very important people for the price of one. That's what I say. More specifically, that's what Kieran said. That was his idea.

He said make them admit two. And I thought, oh, what if they were admit 10? But then people would know it wasn't that important. I think having a plus one makes you feel more important. Being told we don't have a lot of people coming. Oh, not so good. On the back, it says Praxis Artspace, 68-72 Gibbon Street, Bowdoin. It's such a huge space.

They've got four numbers. October 13, that's the date. Doors, 7pm. Auction, 8pm. Register, and then a QR code that people can register at. That's it. I ordered the plastic slips off Amazon. They are cheap, but perfectly agreeable plastic slips. I want to shout out the factory in which children made those slips. Well done, kids. You've done a great job.

Now, this is the cheap bit. Well, that was cheap too, but that was ordinarily cheap. This is more insightfully cheap. The strap component to the lanyard, the lanyard, if you will. I was looking at like $5, $3 to $5 each, and I was struggling to find a specialty lanyard shop, Officeworks, who have done a great job with the printing. By the way, I'll just say the printing, which is black and white to save money, but I've done it in a stylistic fashion. Usually, you go to Officeworks, I have a really poor time with the printers there. There's this woman working at Officeworks at the moment

who is an absolute delight. I won't embarrass her by saying her name or the Officeworks because while I was there going, listen, you're the best person at this I've ever met. You're getting everything right. You're very impressive. She had that rugged working class Australianity where, you know, she was doing her job and she was doing it competently and that should never be noticed or celebrated. But I'm just going to let you know, I had an emotional moment with how good this woman was at printing in the office works. Great at her job. You know, not the biggest, fanciest job in

the world. Not a doctor, not a lawyer, not a baton twirler, not a boat podcast operator, but a great person at her job. I want to thank whatever her name was. I don't remember. She doesn't have an important job, so I don't. She's not a VIP. The important thing. Hey, Brandon's here. Hey, Brando. Sorry, there's a lot of work going on at the office today. Lanyards. The way I got cheap lanyards is I looked on Facebook Marketplace for cheap lanyards, and I found someone who's a two-hour drive out of Adelaide, but I have to drive up there anyway to pick up one of the pieces of art.

They've got hundreds of beautiful, official-looking lanyards. The issue is that those lanyards were printed for the 2020 Superloop Adelaide car race, the Adelaide 500, which is a very low-class, bogan-y event. And also, not my event, so hopefully that's funny, right? Fingers crossed, that is funny. I know we said we didn't, we're not putting on a funny show. We're putting on a very serious, important auction, but yes, I hope we can get away with that bit being funny. Very high quality lanyard though, so I'm going to drive out there, get 100 of them. I've got 100 of the plastic slips. And currently that woman at Officeworks is printing off 100 of these double-sided pieces of paper.

Just the right thickness so there's not too much bleed. And she's going to guillotine them and put them in the slips. And then I will have 100 VIP lanyards. The question then becomes, to whom do I give the lanyards? Because I can't give them away to just anybody, right? People are getting free booze at this event, possibly some finger food. No plans to do finger food yet, actually, but free booze, certainly. And I don't want just people who aren't going to bid on the art coming and supping at the booze, unless they play an important role. Like, they're hot. Like, I think some of the very important people should

be chosen because of how beautiful they are. And then everyone will go, wow, hot people are here. This is a high-quality event. Now, what I want is a blend, I think, of people are here. This is a high quality event. Now, what I want is a blend, I think, of people with money, people who are worth seeing an event, people who might buy the art, and did I say already, hot people. So I've made a list. Have you checked that list? Yeah, I've checked it. Maybe you should check it again. Check the list twice. Yeah, you always got to check the list twice.

All right, we'll check this list again. Ooh, does that guy deserve to be on the list? This guy, he's a good guy. That guy definitely shouldn't be on the list. Why shouldn't he be on the list?? Yeah, you always got to check the list twice, man. All right, we'll check this list again. Ooh, does that guy deserve to be on the list? He's a good guy. He's a good guy. That guy definitely shouldn't be on the list. Why shouldn't he be on the list? He got me too. No, I never heard about him getting me too.

Man, absolutely. He got me too bad. What, some sort of sexual unpleasantness? No, he said the word spastic. Right. Yes, he said the word spastic at a party. Wait a minute. He said enough to get a person me too?

He had a couple of drinks and he said the word spastic at a party. I don't know what to tell you. Maybe he's got like a spastic cold. No, I dropped the drink and he pointed at me and he said, you're a big spastic. That doesn't sound like he got me too. That sounds like you've got a problem. Yeah, I've got a problem with him. Well, I'm not taking him off the list just because you've got a problem. But I am. You... Yeah, but you're the

part of my brain that feels bad about being called the spastic. Well, which part of the brain are you then? I'm the part of the brain that wants to make a lot of money in the R-Docs. Oh, you're motivated. You've got a motivation to keep him. I've got a motivation and you're a big spastic. Oh, you can't say that. How about you shake your spastic mouth and I'll organise the R-Docs. Maybe you're motivated. You've got a motivation to keep him up. I've got a motivation and you're a big spastic. Oh, you can't say that. How about you shake your spastic mouth and I'll organise the odd option? Maybe you're the spastic.

Yeah. Well, it's the next day and I'm just finishing off the podcast. I'm off to pick up the lanyards on Monday. So that's the day this comes out. So as you listen to the podcast, if you're in Adelaide on your way to work on Monday morning, listening to the podcast, I'll be driving up to Country Town to pick up 100 lanyards. I've got the printing back from Officeworks. I've put them into their plastic sleeves.

I cannot wait to go through that list. Find those people. Give them their very important person badges. I just watched the grand final. And once again, undone by some poor umpiring decisions, the AFL needs to get its act into gear. Sometimes I'm happy that I'm leaving this country. And it's really amateur level footy code with professional level meanness and cruelty. By the head of the AFL, the retiring head of the AFL, Gil McLaughlin, he wasn't

even watching the game. He was taking photos with his buddy, the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister doesn't care about the football because he's from a state where they don't follow the football. I won't go on and on about it. I've had a couple of drinks. Now, let's bring this. Well, I'll give myself a little break because I am a little inebriated. It was the opening of a friend's bar last night

and the wife and I went out and had a very, very good time. And then the grand final was on and I went out and had a very, very good time. And then the grand final was on and I got inebriated again. So might not be an early morning drive off to pick up the lanyards tomorrow, but we'll figure something out. We'll make sure we drive safe and we eat a big breakfast and have some coffees. There's a few other things to talk about on the podcast. One of them is that I recorded that post tourtour chat with Sam Clark, and it was such an enjoyable chat, I decided not to release it publicly.

I've released it only to the 70 Patreons. That's right. We're up to 70 Patreons. That's 70 people who give me money each month so that I can invest in a journey towards boat ownership. I'm very thankful to those people. I'm very thankful to Sam Clark. Here, for anyone thinking about joining the Patreon, is a little taste of the conversation that Sam Clark and I had.

Yeah, Russell Brandf*** Hermione. Russell Brandf*** Hermione. No need to give you any more of the podcast than that. The full thing goes for like 45 minutes. And if you would like to hear the rest of it, almost none of which is about the topic matter expressed therein, that's over on the Patreon. A big thank you to the 70 people currently on the Patreon.

If it wasn't for you, then my dreams of boat ownership would be... Well, I wouldn't have any because that's really the only place that money comes from. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend.

I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook.

It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com Ah, dear listeners. Dear sweet listeners, I don't feel very important today. I'll tell you. Genuinely, I don't feel very important today. We watched the grand final. I watched that.

My team wasn't in it. My love of football is gone. It's not gone, it's dormant. I've had a loss of faith. Some very bad umpiring kept us from playing the finals this year. And then I think the grand final just then was decided yet again by some very poor umpiring.

And I'm not usually the sort of man who complains about the umpiring, but yeah, it's a weird, you know, you start off with watching football and you go, it looks like they're just making this up and there's actually no rules in AFL football and people are just doing whatever they want. And then you learn more about the game. It's like that mid IQ level bump in that middle, you know, that meme and you go, nah, nah, nah, it's real. There are rules. Everyone's doing things.

And then you learn even more. And you go, nah, there's nothing. They are making it up as they go along. And I can't, it hurts. And it poisons many other parts of the game and the enjoyment therein. Our halftime performances in Australia are not at all of the level that the American halftime performances are at. are not at all of the level that the American halftime performances are at. The halftime Super Bowl show in America, you've got really famous people trying very hard.

And then the advertising, really big corporations going all out for an ad just for then. And then you watch the grand final, our Super Bowl. It's just the same tedious ads for car insurance and how good women footballing is. And the halftime show is an old man with a guitar playing two songs that you remember and didn't really like all that much at the time. And then the football starts up again. Just don't even try. If you're not going to be great, don't even... Why continue on with the pantomime?

The weather's been too good in Adelaide this week. It's been perfect. When it's an okay day, when it's a good day, when you've come out of the winter as we have, and it's a pretty good day, you go, woo, let's make the most out of today. But when the weather is too good when it's 28 degrees Celsius the sky is clear that is a little bit of wind just just a very pleasant amount of wind and the lighting is exceptional it feels oppressive because it feels like all of a sudden it goes from all let's have some fun today to I must not waste the most perfect day and then it's the fear of wasting it that grinds me down personally. I tell you, I got into a, a friend, my friend Paul

had his, he had a little party. It wasn't a launch yet of his bar, but there was a, we had a little party and some drinks last night, and I got into an argument about football with a lady. A bunch of, a bunch of us fellas arguing with a lady about the football. And it was, I think, mostly a very good-natured argument. But at one point she said, well, you all just go for the crows because your fathers did. Your fathers do. And I think what I didn't say at the time, but which I would like to have said, and which I say now, is yes, it's the faith of our fathers. That's one of the better reasons to believe something, is tradition, keeping it alive.

I don't know, but then I don't have that faith anymore. And like my father, I feel myself now becoming a man who, you know, I like my team, but the actual football, I don't feel the need to follow it very closely. And it should feel like a waking up into something new, like, oh, I'm not interested in men running around with the sports ball anymore, but it's not like something transcendent has replaced it. I just, I've lost the faith. I'm trying to, we're going to America in January and I'm trying to get some of the faith. We're going to America in January, and I'm trying to get some of the faith about a football team there. The town I'll be closest to, the professional football stadium we're closest to,

belongs to the Steelers in Pittsburgh. So I'm reading about the Steelers and the law, and they have towels for some reason. There's a position called wide receiver, and my understanding is we have a very exciting one if that's my team. I haven't quite decided yet but I and then I just think why bother why why get involved with another kind of football why sub out one heartbreak for another. Could I honestly say that football has enriched my yeah look even man I tried to get that sentence

out I couldn't get all the way football has enriched my life and I'm very grateful for it. Never watched it as a kid. Thought it was very dumb then. It was there for me when I needed it. And maybe now I've grown to the point where I don't need it anymore, but I need it more than ever. And now it's gone for another year. And now I'm trying to enjoy the American version with all its whiz bangs and luxuries and costumes and helmets and rules that I don't understand and big halftime shows. Michael Jackson, Shakira. But honestly, I just, I'm...

There's no dopamine floating around the brain today. I don't feel very important and I apologise. I feel a little better about the art auction. I've been working very hard over the last week to make sure it works and to make sure people come and it's a vibrant event. But you know I'm warts and all on the pod. And I feel very warty. Absolutely covered in warts at present.

I think I need to read a good book or watch a good movie. That's usually what jogs me out of this sort of state. I've been reading Doris Lessing's African Laughter, which thus far is just sort of a sad book about the transition of Rhodesia to Zimbabwe and the corruption and the hope and the frustrated hope and the hopeless frustrations. And it's just her account, and it's very sad, and it's going on for a long time, and I don't know when I'm going to get to the end of that book. I just wish I was smack bang in the middle of, I don't know, Harry Potter?

War and peace? A big romp. Just an enjoyable, romantic, thrilling romp. But then, ah, with the kids, it's very hard to get enough time to really, you know, when you love a book and you're really throwing yourself into the book and you absolutely won't put it down for anything. Well, I've just got to put it down at the moment. There's always a reason to put the book down. I think it's probably time that I started reading something like The Count of Monte Cristo or Les Miserables. The story of Les, the most miserable man in the world,

which was one of my favourite Charles Barrington lines. Great comedian. Oh! We've got to get it back. We've got to... Well, let's have a little... Can we get to the point where I can have an affirmation, everybody? Sorry, man, not feeling it.

Can we at least... Can we fake some affirmations? Can we dig a little deeper and have some real affirmations? I will reach out and find joy again. Will you? I will find joy again. Even as I can sense this art auction making other people feel important, I too will find a way

back to self-importance and not just talking in this way, this false delivery to feel a little something again. I don't think that's an affirmation. Nah, we'll get there. We'll feel something again.

I should go for a bicycle ride. Do a little exercise. But I don't think that's an affirmation. Nah, we'll get there. We'll feel something again. I should go for a bicycle ride. Do a little exercise. But I won't. I'm filling out these visa forms at the moment for this US visa. And I just feel like a massive idiot. Well, it's words that I don't understand. And it's a big bureaucratic process

who hold my life in their hands. You know, if I get approved for that visa, I can do so many things. I can look after my family. I can work. And if they say no, then we're homeless. I've spent all this time trying to get work over there

and I won't have any work here. I banish it from my mind. It's going to work. People think I qualify for the job. I have work when I'm over there. Oh, Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy. Christ have mercy. Christ have mercy.

Lord have mercy. It's that sort of mood in the brain where I just find myself going, Christ have mercy. Christ have mercy. Christ have mercy. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy.

You ever get into one of those spirals? I hope you're having a bright, beautiful day, as I think I was a couple days ago at the start of this podcast. Let's reach out and find, well, you know, whatever. I love you. I have to believe it won't feel like this when I have a boat. Nah, it'll just keep feeling like this forever till I'm dead, with a little wave.

I spoke to someone at the party last night about electroshock treatment, and they swore by it, and they've said that they've seen some other people with electroshock treatment and uh they swore by it and they they've said that they've seen some other people with electroshock treatment and she said but james if you get electroshock treatment that might just push you into a prolonged manic state and i believe i said which i do stand by now good uh how do we engineer it so that i just get into a manic state that never ends and if that is electrocuting my brain over and over again I'm open to it

hey I love you I miss you I want you I need you catamaran ho catamaran ho oh catamaran ho A-Cast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend.

I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a node. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook.

It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts.