The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - We are going to need a bigger boat

Episode Date: December 11, 2022

New crewmate! An unedited riff at the piano.Partake of my #1 bestselling book of poems, Marlon Brando 9/11: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B0B92NWWDCJoin the Patreon today for more Catamaran plans: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccannIf you require video work, I recommend Sam. He is my first mate. Go to his website here: https://www.samclarkestudio.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out

now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Well, I suppose the first thing you'll want to know is, James, what's happening with the Christmas special? We were all lined up to do the Christmas special just three days ago. Sam Clark, Paul Goulash, they were coming over the house. I'd cleaned the living room specially

for the special and then my wife's waters broke. A bit early. Which is the first time that's ever happened. Usually these children are late. But her water broke. I'm just sitting here at the piano. Freshly tuned. I'm just sitting here at the piano, freshly tuned, got the practice pedal on. Yeah, her water's broken.

She said, oh no, it's fine. I said, well, we'll have to cancel the Christmas special. She said, no, no, no, you don't have to cancel the Christmas special. It's fine. I said, no, no, no. You don't have to cancel the Christmas special. It's fine. I said, really? She said, no, it's fine. My beautiful Kiwi wife. She just insisted that there wasn't a problem.

I haven't gone into labour. They give you 24 hours before Roscoff and Fiction goes up. So I sent an Uber for my cameraman. First mate, Sam Clark, doing some exceptional work. And Paul came over. And it just became increasingly obvious. I said to my wife, please check. Please check with the obstetrician.

We pay him good money. Paying him good money. Get his professional opinion. And she did. And his professional opinion was get to hospital, woman. So we got her to hospital, and we had this baby. We've got a new baby, father of three, and a wife and mother of three. And it was a bit weird having a baby this time, because unlike the first two times around,

my wife didn't almost die. And it was a bit weird having a baby this time because unlike the first two times around, my wife didn't almost die. Oh, usually she almost dies. That's usually the way it goes. For the first two kids, emergency caesarean sections. After long strenuous labours and people getting stuck. But this new baby, planned season, no aspiration for a VBAC, and he came out beautifully. I mean bruised

and with water on the lung, but beautifully. He's doing so well. Man, they've got big heads, these kids. But it's so good to be... Well, I'm at home now. My parents have been very helpful, helping to look after the children. Christmas special we will do sometime this week.

Paul's wife has also had a child the day after mine. So the children have been born. There's no more children getting born involved in the Christmas special as far as I'm aware. And that'll just go ahead, man. It is nice having children. And it is nice having your wife in good health. A C-section is still hard on a woman. I tell you, the anesthetist, he said, have you thought of a name for the child? This is as they're putting her under for the caesar and they're putting up a screen so that i can't see her hacker guts open and um and then

it says have you is a arab gentleman and he says have you got a name have you got a name for the child and uh we say no not yet we're just going to look at him and and figure it out then we've got a short list but you know there we go he goes hey maybe you should call him my name and i said what's that he said islam and for a moment i thought yeah what if we did call him Islam? Little fat ginger Catholic Islam McCann running around mass. It would be a bold move. We didn't go for Islam.

But I thought that's a great joke. Like there are some jokes that are built in to your job. You know, I bet that's not the first time that he's told a white couple maybe they should call their son Islam. We had a funny anesthetist last time as well, actually. And he said, what are we having, a boy or a girl? Oh, I guess you won't know until they're a bit older with all this trans stuff going on.

I thought, man. Thank you for taking that risk, Mr. Anethetist. That joke actually did land very well in what is a tense situation. Man. Wife's doing well. Baby's doing well. Those are the important things. But the first two pregnancies went so, so, so, so badly that I just thought this one would also be bad.

Brother, swallow your pride. And I'm going to die. Someone to, to, to lean, lean, lean, lean. Well, you know how it goes. Yeah, you just sort of figure the first ones have gone so badly that this one will go badly too. But it all seems to have gone very smoothly and beautifully. God is good. Well, if you say God is good, people have been saying,

I've heard a couple of people say that. They've gone, how did it go? It's gone really well. And they've gone, God is good. And you think, yeah, yeah, he is. He is. But when it went really badly the last few times, no one was like, your wife's touch and go.

Your wife has developed a strange medical condition that is so weird with the air going under the skin that they're going to write studies about her and we're not sure how this has happened. And everyone is terrified. God is good. God is good. That's one of those God is mysterious type situations. It's all very precarious and God is good, but he gives and he takes.

I feel very blessed. Very blessed and very tired. I stayed over at the hospital. My wife's still at the hospital. I'm looking after the kids. I've got to get up in the morning with them, which will be fine. And I've, you know, was it wrong of me to have so much brandy? Probably.

Anyway, welcome to the James Donald Forbes McGann. Get to my rim plan. What if it's just, it's an album full of songs but only chromatic chord movements, right? None of this like... Every song is like... It only moves up one semitone, up and down. Oh, there was a little jump there. Ah, I hope you're doing well. Welcome to the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan,

a podcast where ostensibly I'm trying to get the money for a boat. But we've been delayed this year, the first year of the podcast, by this, well, should we sum up all the delays? There's been an international trip. There's been a child. There's been a pregnancy.

There's been a national trip. Two bouts of COVID, I think, in hindsight. But it's going well, and I'm so grateful for you listening. All the Spotify things are coming out this week, and people are tagging me. And they're saying, you know, I listen to this many hours of the podcast. And that's really beautiful and touching, and I'm glad that this has meant something to you.

I like that I don't know how to use that Christmas 2022 I love you I've been trying to play these Christmas I went to Officeworks the night before the Christmas special was meant to happen and I printed to Officeworks the night before the Christmas special was meant to happen and I printed out all of the

chords to the songs that I hoped to do and then was cancelled in the morning because we had the wonderful arrival of that beautiful perfect sun. God, I love my fucking children. They're so great. Excuse me, I won't be bleeping that swear out.

That's a Christmas tree. There's no editing on this bad boy. But I printed out all the chords. Oh, man. I stayed overnight the first night in the hospital. I keep meaning to say this. And they just want you out as the husband. They just want you.

I mean, we've had one swear word already. Warning, this is an explicit episode. These fucking cunts at the fucking hospital. They've got the bed that they put you on as a man in the birthing suite. It's fucking disgraceful. The thinnest bit of foam over just multiple metal arms just jumping up and stabbing you in the back because they don't want you to stay there. You're a risk and you make things harder. They want the woman atomized all alone in the hospital. So they just give you this fucking bed that's

disgraceful. So now I'm staying at home with the kids. My wife is there all alone. All alone. Man, I miss her so much. It's so good to have her home. And I miss my son. Oh, the other son I don't miss. He's here and he was a real rapscallion when it came time to his bath tonight and I just swept his feet and I dunked him underwater

poor boy but he needed a wash and I've got to buy him some prunes or something because he ain't pooping oh holy night the stars are brightly shining. It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth. Here's a little taste of the Christmas special. Long lay the world in sin and error pining Till he appeared and the soul No, it's a major. The soul felt its worth

The thrill of hope The weary soul rejoices For yonder Oh, it's a little more jazzy than I expected For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Fall on your knees Oh hear, oh hear the angel voices

O night divine O night when Christ was born. Oh, night, all in all. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations.

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they can. Dr. Johanna Sam and her team are researching how both Indigenous and non-Indigenous youth cope with cyber aggression, working to bridge the diversity gap in child psychology research. At UBC, our researchers are answering today's most pressing questions. To learn how we're moving the world forward, visit ubc.ca slash forward happens here. Oh night, oh night divine. The G above high C. Oh night, oh.

I don't wanna hit it too hard and too much because my children are my kids. My children are my kids, they're asleep. Ah, thank you for joining me on this very special episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan, the episode where I play the piano and think about my life. That's not a nice note. Well, I hope you're having a...

I'm going to take my shirt off because this isn't a video and I feel hot. Man. Having a family. I recommend it. If you're thinking about having a family, go and have a family. It's very, very, very, very hard. But it's worth it, man. It's so nice to have a family.

I love my family so much. They give me... It's like for years, like almost all of my 20s, I could have put in the work, had a podcast, had a YouTube channel, raised the money to have a boat. But I didn't do it. Because what was the point

in doing it? Because I didn't have a family to do it for. I don't know how anyone does anything if they don't have a family making them go forward and do it. I just didn't have that yearning Until I I didn't get you know, like fairly decent at comedy. I think until I met my wife I was just fucking around up there having a good time and then I met her and like Suddenly had a tight five. I don't know how that worked, you know

the bleak midwinter Frosty wind made moan earth stood hard as iron water like a stone snow had fallen snow on snow Snow on snow on snow In the bleak midwinter, a long time ago Well there's a little foretaste of the Christmas special. It's sort of good that it's been cancelled. I'll have time to learn the songs. Ah, mercy me. I'm a piece of butter that has been scraped over too much bread.

You know who said that? That was F. Scott Fitzgerald. I don't know what the F stands for. I'm currently reading Tender is the Night. And it got off to a very boring start. I don't mind telling you that. I think the critics, and actually I've read a little bit about it now, the critics all agree, but now that I'm in the middle section, and that book is fucking great! No idea where it's going. At the moment it's about a psychiatrist who is very horny

and keeps making out with teenage girls. But it's a great read. Who of us can't relate? Now, here's a new one. Oh, come, oh come, all ye faithful. This one's in G. Joyful and triumphant O come, ye O come ye to Bethlehem

Come and behold him born the King of angels. Oh, come let us adore Him. Oh, come let us adore Him. Oh, what is it? Day Him. Oh, come let us adore him.

Christ the Lord. That's a good one. For the Christmas special, I'm basically just doing it with old carols. Because I don't really know how copyright law works. And I don't want to have to law works and I don't have to pay anyone money but then again my Christmas special will it make any money can't believe it Silent Night

Holy Night I thought it would be funny if a Silent Night if I just only sang the words Silent Night. Silent Night. Silent Night. Silent Night. Silent Night. Silent night. Skibbity bop bop boo. Silent night.

Skibbity bop, skibbity bop, skibbity bop. Hey! Silent night. Sleep. Silent, silent night. Man, that's so nice. That little like D, D7, G, E minor. That E minor is the sign that whoever wrote the song loves you

and wants you to enjoy it because like you never get that in a modern day hymn and a hymn that they'll have it like Hillsong or something Jesus you're so fabulous Jesus you're so good minor key minor key or it'll be like just real fucking dumb like they're not quite like that but they are like I feel like that's that's a level of sophistication that D D D7 G E minor it's like the G like the D7 yeah it's a little heavenly piece. Right? But it's not quite heavenly

because the heavenly piece would just be some Philip Glass. Well, you know, like... It would just sit in that for... That's what I think of heaven as being like. It's just one chord and one key for no movement. Maybe it's just one note. Maybe it's not even the octave. Maybe it's just one chord and one key for no movement. Maybe it's not even just one note.

Maybe it's not even the octave. Maybe it's just that. Maybe it's silence. No, it's singing alleluia alleluia over and over again, but there's something about that where it's like, sleep in it. It's unstable. It's heavenly peace. It was heavenly peace. The way that sleep is, I guess, unstable. Heavenly peace. Man, that's so beautiful. That makes me want to fucking cry. Oh, I've had some whiskies.

Man, I want to buy a boat and put my family on a boat. Oh, I love everybody. Here's a little song by Radiohead. Such a pretty house and such a motherfucking pretty garden and no alarms and no surprise. Sleep in heavenly peace. Oh, a lot of emotions, a lot of big feelings. I think I'm going to take some time off from doing the podcast. I think I'm going to take some time off from doing the podcast, but I'm not going to have any time off from the podcast coming out. So I'm going to talk to my first mate, Sam Clark.

We've had one discussion about it, and I think I'm going to read a great work of ocean literature, something like Treasure Island, where there's like 32 chapters. And I'll just go to his house, and over the course of one or two days, I will read it all, and then on YouTube and on this channel we'll just release like a chapter a day and so from where you are there will be much much more podcast so it won't really be a podcast it'll be an audio book of a book out of copyright that's why I chose all these old songs so they'd be out of copyright and that's the song that's out of copyright is a new one that i've just written

i just released that right here we go here's the song there it is and i hereby wave copyright and if ever you want to play my number one hit song you absolutely may so yeah using out of copyright songs for the christmas special and just going to read a novel that's out of copyright songs for the Christmas special and just going to read a novel that's out of copyright as an audio book that we can all enjoy together and take a month to regroup and to have this baby and to look after a baby ah these songs are getting worse and um anyway that's my plan that is my plan that's my plan. That is my plan. What's your plan? What have you got planned for the summer?

Do you have joyful plans? Do you have a little joy to the world? Joy to the world. As you can tell by the diction there, this is not a key that suits me. I can do it up there. Man, G is not a good... It's not in my... Let us receive a key. right it's not in my letter oh maybe if i just do it naturally And heaven and angels sing. And heaven and angels sing. And heaven and angels sing.

That's basically what the Christmas special will be. With some sketches that I've written. All right. But this is like a... Ah, man. Yeah, I think I need to take some time off the podcast. It's going really well and I'm so proud and grateful they have all the listeners, but I need to take some time to really organise a proper plan and to look after this baby.

Man, I love this baby. He's so fucking cute. He's so cute. And the other kids are so cute too. They're so big. When you get the new one, you look at the old one, you go, man, it's big, clumpy, unstructured children. Not like this tiny, weak baby.

And I'm sure I will come to, you know, with every new baby, you get your share of, man, fuck this baby. But, you know, like when he's interrupting my sleep, I'll have some firm words for him, no doubt. And they get so much more fun as they get older. I'm wrestling my daughter all the time. I just pin her with one arm and I say, get out, get out.

And she goes, ah, ah. And she tries to kick me in the underarm. It's really a beautiful thing that we have together. And my son, when I'm not dunking him in the bath to make sure he's clean. Tomorrow I'm going to give him a bunch of prunes so he doesn't shit. Oh, the kids. They outnumber us now. It's a beautiful thing.

Makes me want to cry. Makes me want to wee. No, it's just, it's so good to have a family. I really recommend having a family. I mean, some people can't. I've known some infertile people in my time. Infertile. Infertility.

Infertility. What's wrong with me? Something in my womb. Something in my testicle. Infertility. Infertility. Something in my testicle. Infertility. Infertility. Something's wrong with me. It's the new musical.

That's how it starts. Infertility. Something wrong with me. Oh, no. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on. Thank God phone a friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook.

It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.