The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - you are the plan

Episode Date: June 4, 2023

My upcoming show in Brisbane: https://www.standup.com.au/event/james-donald-forbes-mccann-sit-down-comedy-clubAnna Freer's upcoming concert in Adelaide, which I recommend: https://www.trybooking.com/events/landing/1045226?eid=1045226& Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines and i get schooled by a tween facebook is like a no that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out

now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is star time. Are you ready for star time? Yeah! Well, good. Because that's what time it is.

I thought it was James Donald Forbes' We Can't Catamaran plan time. Guess what? I've been led to believe what time it was too. I don't come here for no start time. I'm actually coming to think about it. I was here for James Donald Fox

became Catamaran Plan. Wait a minute. What if James Donald Fox became this star? What if start time is James Donald Fox

became this star? Is that what it is? Yes, that is actually exactly what it is. Cool. It's a bit of a different show this week. I'm on tour.

I did the first night of the tour last night. Well, is it tour? I'm on tour. I did the first night of the tour last night. Well, is it tour? I'm on tour, but the first night was in my hometown of Adelaide. So I'm on tour from the comfort of my own home at the moment. I'm opening for Mark Normand across Australia. I met him last night. He was a lovely hang, a supremely funny gentleman, had a great time.

So I'm opening in Sydney Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Friday I'll be opening in Melbourne, and then it's up to Brisbane for the Saturday, Sunday. Then on Monday I'm going up to Cairns to do a show, and on the Tuesday I will be doing my own solo show in Brisbane. So that'll be a great deal of fun. Tickets on sale now now and it means I will miss, sadly, Anna Freer's excellent violin concert. If you are looking for a violin concert

to go to in Adelaide this week, I recommend that one. I've put a link to the tickets for both my show in Brisbane that's coming up and Anna Freer's violin concert in the description for this episode, which is a bit of a different episode. Excuse me as my laptop falls off my knee. Perched there precariously in the Volvo. It's a bit of a different episode this week. We have been going through the towns of Canada. I'm trying to build up a Canadian fan base so I can gig there.

But this week I have to put that on pause. And gee, we've got a good episode coming up all about Saskatchewan. Next week. Talking to a wonderful Saskatchewanese man. Next week. And I can't wait to have that come out next week. But I've had a... Well, I've had an epiphany this week.

And now it is epiphany time. Are you ready for epiphany time? No! I want you to picture a mirror. A full-length mirror. Look into the mirror. Look at mirror. Look into the mirror. Look at yourself. Look into your eyes.

Or if one of them has been plucked out, your eye. And if both of them have been plucked out, imagine that you have eyes and that you are using them to look into a mirror. Now, if you were born without eyes and have no conception of image, this epiphany isn't for you. Now, look at the person, you, in the mirror. Now, behind you is also a mirror. And you can see your reflection in the mirror behind you, in the reflection in front of you. The two mirrors are reflecting into each other 500 times you're looking into 500 reflections

you raise your hand 500 reflections raise their hand you stick out your tongue 500 reflections stick out your tongue their tongue you know what I mean? if you're an amputee and you don't have a hand or a tongue to lift up

again, you can do it with your foot or you wiggle your ears. Just pick something that hasn't been amputated. If everything has been amputated, again, this epiphany is not for you. Not everything is for everybody. Now, I want you to look more closely at the 500 reflections. And you notice that one of them isn't you. It's me. James Donald Forbes McCann.

And then you look at the next reflection. It's a woman. Unless you're a man. Well, no, if you're a man, yeah. If you're a man, it's a woman. If you're a woman, it's a man. It's just the other gender to the one you are. And if you're non-binary, it's like a normal person.

Anyway, the next one, it's a guy with a shaggy beard. And then another reflection, another reflection, another reflection. They're all different people. And they're all you. And they're all me. That is the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. You are the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. You in yourself. Excuse me, I did a little burp. And when I say you, that's what I mean. 500 people. Picture that in your mind. It's a small theater. It's a very successful Catholic church or a very unsuccessful evangelical church. Sometimes I think of it as being an enormous Volvo, where we're all facing in the same direction, going the same way. It's a very long

and wide Volvo. Potentially it even goes up like a double-decker, triple-decker Volvo. You couldn't get that Volvo on a normal road, but we're not going on a normal road. Other times I think of it as a big circle. We're sitting in a big circle and we can all see one another like a big panopticon. There's enough people here that you can't know everybody intimately. 500 people is too many. But there are probably a few people you recognize. If someone told you about the podcast, maybe they're here.

If you told someone about the podcast, maybe they're here too. And told someone about the podcast, maybe they're here too. And there are some people from overseas you've never met before. There are about 150 Australians. There are about 150 Americans. Roughly 20 Canadians, six of whom are from Whitehorse. Four Singaporeans, five New Zealanders. No more than 10 United Kingdomers

for some reason. A Hong Konger is among us. There's a smattering of Africans, French, two Irish, a Portuguese, some disabled Swiss people. Albania, Thailand, Norway, Spain, Switzerland, Iceland, Guyana, Italy, Mexico, Japan, Turkey, Denmark, Greece, United Arab Emirates. Mostly it's men. Honestly, it's mostly men. I think the split is around 70-30 men-women.

Some unwilling girlfriends are present, possibly including Hayley from Survivor. That's the room you're in. Or the Volvo. Or the Panopticon. You and your solitary uniqueness. And you and your collective 500. You are the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. And we didn't start out with 500 people in the Volvo,

the mirror, the Panopticon. We started with two people, Jake Smith and Peter James, back at episode zero. When the idea came. Abruptly. Forcun. It was an itty-bitty Volvo, then a Volvo motorcycle with a sidecar. Sidecar's no longer with us.

There's a little hand mirror. One of those mirrors that women use. We'll always love the sidecar. There's a chamber. Even if we don't work together. And over the last year and a half, it's grown. People have been trickling in all the time. A few people each week. A couple of fits and a couple of spurts.

But at the moment it's 500 people. 500 people. 500 people. 500 people. 500 people. 500 people. 500 people. 500 people listen to a new

episode every week. Total downloads is a higher number because people listen to a new episode every week. Every week. 500. Total downloads is a higher number because people listen to multiple episodes, but it's 500 people. And you know what? They're up to date people. I can see it on the statistics. When people find the podcast, they go back to the beginning. And more or less, they listen to every episode in sequence, one after another. It's a chronometric madness. And they shrink. Chronometrically. What for me has been a journey of almost two years into something like a fortnight.

And that's you, listener. You were there with me, and I was there with you at our parallel asymmetrical chronometrics. I think that's the word. You were here for the birth of my youngest child. Pornos. My sickness, my health. Other pornos. Many of you have a special mug that I sent to you. Sorry for the word. You were here for the birth of my youngest child. Pornos. My sickness, my health. Other pornos. Many of you have a special mug that I sent to you.

Sorry for the delay. And Patreon. And as soon as Margot gets around to it, many more of you will have plates sent out to you. Commemorative Patreon plates. You were here when I hired the wonderful Margot. And sweet first mate Sam Clark. And once you're up to date, you keep tuning in, in sync with me and everyone else. 500 people, roughly, are listening to each new episode the week it comes out. They're in lockstep.

And potentially, you 500 think of me as a friend or as an ally or as a point of light. Certainly, you are my confidant. Now, a lesser man would call that a cult. A lesser man would say if you feign a close personal relationship with 500 people and the end result is your private bone ownership, it looks a lot like a cult. But I don't like to use that word. I use the word plan plan and you are the plan you are you are you see it now you are the plan you are the plan the morning and you said you listening to me now 500 people moving as one for the sole purpose of my boat ownership, you are become planned.

And I tell you, I hereby institute a new tradition. Now that you understand how fused and one we are, we're like a bacteria now. Our purpose is to grow. To grow and to grow. This month is official. Tell one person at least about the James Donald Forbes

McCann catamaran plan, plan, plan, plan, month. Listen, you've got to go out. You've got to bring one more person into the vulva. You've got to tell them. And so next month, at the start of next month,

it won't be 500 people. It's going to double, sort of. It'll be like 900 people because I assume atrophy. Probably lose about 100 people for every 500 we gain. Yeah. Here's a call I made this week to Snickers because I have some problems with the new Snickers. Thank you for calling Mars Consumer Care. This is Christine.

How can I help you? Hi, Christine. Can I just check this call is being recorded for quality and training purposes? Is that right? Yes, it is. Excellent. Because I need every detail recorded and sent to the good people who are in charge of this. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts.

Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines.

And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a node. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow,

and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com Snickers bar. I have some feedback. For Snickers? Yes. Sure, go ahead, please. I'm ready to listen. And I'll just tell you right now, I'm usually a Mars bar kind of guy,

but my wife loves the Snickers. Loves them. Oh. One of her greatest pleasures. Many is the time that I've had a cranky wife and come home with a Snickers bar to calm her down. Nothing like a little piece of chocolate to recalibrate the marriage, I do find.

So here's my issue, though. I understand that these are difficult times with inflation and that prices are going up. But the people of making the Snickers have changed the Snickers. Like they've kept the price the same, but the Snickers has changed. Got it.

All right. I'm listening. When you mentioned, sir, the word change, is it something to do with, like, is it the taste? Can you help me be more specific? I believe, and I don't have hard proof. Have you got a little child there? In the background? Sorry, yes. No, that's all right.

Sorry about the background noise. Have you got a baby? It's my baby looking at home. Well, it's great that they let you work at home with the baby. How old's the baby? Yes, well, she's turning one this July. Oh, my goodness. She's still an infant.

Well done you for plugging away. So I've got a, yes, I've got a baby who's way away from one. He's like, he'll be six months now and he's just started teething. And I'll be honest with you, I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night and I'm just in a pit, in a psychic pit, you know, the sort of psychic pit that a Snickers would usually help my wife. Oh, it's hard.

It's hard out here. Here's my complaint about the Snickers. I'll get this done as quick as possible so you can get back to doing what you have to do. They've begun. I don't know. Go ahead, please. They've begun to aerate the nougat more.

Okay. So it's a flimsier. I'm takingougat more. Okay. So it's a flimsier. I'm taking that over there. Yeah. Yeah, it's a less thick. I think they're pumping more air into the nougat to make it lighter, and so it fills up more space. I assume that the nougat is one of the more expensive elements.

Do you know what I mean? So it has to have nougat or it's not a Snickers bar, but it's not like that satisfying nougat of yesteryear. It's a flimsy ornamental nougat now. And I get that times are changing and that there's a war in the ukraine and that money is hard to come by and maybe you can't keep charging a dollar for the snickers but they they want to keep the price point the same and what they've done to keep the price point the same is ruined the snickers bar ruined is strong it's maybe too excessive a term. They have

quite seriously changed it, and it's small now, and it's lighter. Nougat is not substantial the way it used to be. And so the result in trying to appeal to a bigger market is you've actually, you've gotten rid of it for everybody, because there's no, for love and money, you can't buy the old Snickers now, and that's the one we want. I am hearing you. I feel heard. Yeah.

Well, I truly understand, and just so you know, sorry, what was your name sir my apologies James James James all right well nice to meet you James well to be honest with you I really really do appreciate you taking the time to share your feedback you know consumer feedback are valuable to improve our product which again I'll make sure that I'll pass this on to our marketing and brand team. And at the same time, like what I had mentioned to you earlier, this call is recorded. So I'll go ahead and make sure to let them know about this.

I appreciate that. And knowing that you and your wife really loves our product, which is really great. So yeah. and your wife really loves our product, which is really great. So, yeah. And like what you have said, like many businesses across Australia, we've been facing cost increases across our product. So we've been absorbing the rising cost of raw materials, operations, supply for some time now. Yeah.

So reducing the size of our product is really not a decision we make very lightly. I know. However, again, with the taste that you have mentioned, like your feedback about the nougat and all of that, I'll make sure to pass it on to them to let them know. Okay? You're excellent at your job. I want to thank you for listening to me.

You get back to that baby. Oh, no. And good luck. Oh, no, no. I mean, you have all of my time. All right. So I have, you know, everything. Aside from the nougat,

is there anything else that you'd like to share with me that I can take note of? Is there ever? But I'll limit myself to just saying, I think the new wrapper, the recyclable wrapper, it's probably a good move. I've got no problems with that. So, like, for the environment, seems good.

I mean, who wants to have an experience with a wrapper? You get the wrapper off and off you go. You have your fun. Yeah. But it's the importance is I think it's the, it's the, I just want to reemphasize the importance of the integral consistency of the tradition of Snickers as, as it was.

Sorry, posters just falling down. All right. Thank you so much. Okay. God bless you. No worries. You have a wonderful day. God bless you right. Thank you so much. Okay. God bless you. No worries. Thank you so much, James.

God bless you too. Thank you. Ciao. And have a lovely rest of your weekend. Stay safe, all of your family and your children.

Thanks. Bye. You deserve nothing but all the fine amenities Now this whole world has no clue what to do with us I got enough money in the bank for the do-it-all So I gotta keep enough letters to support this shoot Fetish lifestyle so rich and famous Robin Leach will get jealous Half a million butterscotch Take a trip from here to Rome

So if you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home If you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home My daddy's home side If you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home If you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home My daddy told me so He loves dollar mo My daddy told me so He loves dollar mo He loves dollar mo My daddy told me so

He loves dollar mo My dad's new way, guys, I'm through You got no money, then you broke my heart You lost, I don't know Damn pain, this is caviar You deserve nothing but all the final things Now this whole world has no clue what to do with this I got enough money in the bank for the tour Plus I gotta keep enough letters to support this shoe Fetish lifestyle so rich and famous Robin Leach will get jealous Half a million, but it's gold

Taking trips from here to Rome So if you ain't got no money Take your broke ass home Campaign witnesses Caviar dreams You deserve nothing but all the finer things Now this whole world has no clue what to do with us. I got enough money in the bank for the dudes.

Plus I gotta keep enough lettuce to support tissue. That is lifestyle so rich and famous. Robin Leach will get jealous. Half a million for the school. Take a trip from here to Rome. So if you ain't got no money Take your Pain

Damn pain Wings Caviar Wings I had an idea this week that it would be good. Well, first I just heard in my head that 4 by Aphex Twin and that rap by Ludacris from Glamorous would go well together. And then before you know it, it becomes this big plan that the thing that's going to rescue me and provide for my family is, I thought of it as like a 90 minute extended mega mix of just repeatedly the rap from

Glamorous by Ludacris and then I lost faith in that and I just got the three minutes done I was like that was a few hours of my life yeah I don't think it's ADD I think it might just be I guess

immaturity. I hope to never change, really, just to have more success. I love you. I love you. I want you. I need you. We'll be back with, honestly, a very exciting Saskatchewan episode next week. We had a listener from Saskatchewan reach out and say, you're doing all these other places in Canada. What about Saskatchewan? And I, honestly, at that point, I had never heard of Saskatchewan. But I've done a lot of research.

We had a great conversation. I'm sorry to say you have to wait till next week. All of you have to wait. All potentially 900 to 1,000 or 500. It's actually slightly less than 500. It's like 450. We're actually only at 450. I kept saying 500, but it's like 450.

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onepeloton.ca. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessi Kirksokshank and on my podcast Phone a Friend I break down the biggest stories in pop culture but when I have questions I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend

Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills After Show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was

all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts.

Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.