The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - You're Beautiful

Episode Date: July 4, 2024

Tickets on sale now for Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane and Perth: http://www.jdfmccann.com/gigsJoin the Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccannBuy the books: https://www.jdfmccann.com/booksSam Clarke made a beautiful visual component: https://youtu.be/MnR-8gUFnw8?si=ywbUxBflfL7vRg3j Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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I'm Jessie Cruikshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween.

Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com I feel real good this evening. And I feel good for one reason, that we're all here together. Give yourselves a great big round of applause.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful. Give yourselves a great big round of applause. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. I sat down and I wrote a song because I thought it was necessary and I hope you all like it. Thank you. Welcome to the James Donald Forbes McCann, what's it called?

The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan, the show where I, James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan, the show where I, James Donald Forbes McCann, am trying to buy a boat. And I'm back in Australia. I'm back home. Gee, it was a long, long, hard trip with the family of four different flights. We went from Austin to LA. four different flights. We went from Austin to LA. That was the first leg. And the flight was delayed. Luckily, I booked us a very long layover in LA. But first flight was delayed. So we had to spend five hours in the Austin airport. And I'm proud to say that the show was going well enough that I was recognized three times. Only one of which was embarrassing.

A lovely man from Indianapolis and his fresh bride, they've been together for a week as a married couple, he came over and he said, are you James Donald Fosbican of the James Donald Fosbican catamaran plan? And I said, yes, I am. And maybe we shook hands, maybe we didn't. I don't remember. I didn't sleep for the next 50 hours.

Some of the memory is a little askew. And he said, I'm a big fan. And I want you to have this rosary. And we spoke beautifully. And then he said, can I have a photo? And I said, I would love to take a photo with you. At which point I looked down at myself. you. At which point I looked down at myself and I noticed that upon my grey track pants was one of the bigger piss stains that I've ever left for myself. Now it might not have been a piss stain.

I had been taking my children to go to the water fountains and wash their hands in the restrooms and aforementioned water fountains of the airport. and I'd like to think that I'd just gotten a little splish-splash there close to the genital region. And I said, listen, I think this is from a water fountain. I think this is not piss. And at that point I could tell the vibe had changed with the Indianapolis fan couple. And I tried to hold my shirt down over the unpleasantness.

So that photo will be out at some point. Hoola doola, goodness gracious, we got on the plane. We flew to LA. At that point, there's a big black hole in the memory, except that I had found out that there was a flight from Fiji, where we were going next, straight to Adelaide. We could have shaved really 15 hours off the trip. And I didn't beg, but I grabbed the child who at that point was being the cutest

and the most well-behaved, and I put them on my shoulders while I asked, please, if we could change it to a flight from Fiji to Adelaide instead of Fiji to Sydney with a later flight to Adelaide. They wouldn't do it. Yet another stain against the reputation of Fiji Air, my arch nemesis. Nemesis? Nemesis, excuse me. Still fairly jet lagged.

We got into, I was so tired by this point, when I went to the airport restroom, I saw a sign that said, are you the victim of human trafficking? And so fatigued was I that I stood there for about 30 seconds seriously questioning if I was the victim of human trafficking. Not in an Estonian woman in a van sense, but in a more vague, general, existential. And I thought, no, I have free will.

I'm here because I want to be here. I was in such a bad mood. I watched Ocean's Eleven and I didn't like it. And you have to be in a pretty bad mood for that to be the case, let me tell you. And then we got to Adelaide and our friends, the sweet galashes, they met us at the airport. That was a surprise. That was a beautiful surprise. Of course, the children melted down. They saw their friends and my poor daughter just screamed on the ground

and later on revealed that it was because she wasn't wearing any shoes and she hadn't bought them a gift and she so wanted to make a good impression. And so she made a much worse impression because that was her feeling isn't that like life anyway it's nice to be here on the james donald falls mccann catamaran plan james you're becoming a big celebrity in america why are you back in sweet australia i'll tell you it's for a wedding but also it's so that i can do a five-city tour. And we're announcing that tickets are on sale right now for the James Donald Forbes McCann Australia 2024 tour. Adelaide, Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, Perth. I'll be doing shows in all of

them. And they're on sale now. And there's a link somewhere for that and you must find that link that is the first and only clue you will receive excuse me i've just had a big solo i've been drinking a lot of solos since i got back and that's led to some unpleasant burp situations gee they don't have solo in america i mean so exhausted. I don't usually do this. I usually should from the hip, but I made a list of some things I wanted to talk about on today's podcast as the list loads very gradually. Australia, oh yes, won't that be fun to talk about in a moment. Are you the victim of human trafficking? I already spoke about that. That was going to be the glorious second act, and we've just breezed past it. Oh, I might start with some new poem ideas. I've got a new book of poems coming out soon. I'm going to be working with

the great Sam Clark to put together the marketing campaign. Wherever Sam Clark may be in this merry old world right now, we'll be working on the marketing campaign for those poems and the book of poems to splish splash. But here's a poem that I wrote on a plane after 37 hours, I think. Who was our great grandfather's father? Surely his erections were shorter and harder than the kind of erections you and I have today. All right, that one's not in the book. Here's one about Sacha Baron Cohen. Everybody says, my wife, but almost no one says, me Julie. I guess that's because there are more wives than Julies in the world. I wanted to talk about this, so I got back, and I became very emotional about many things in Australia upon my return, we landed at the airport, we had the tearful moment

with the children and our friends, and then we got into a taxi cab, and we drove through the streets, and we came, as we were approaching what in America they would call a downtown, but in Australia we call it a CBD, presumably because the titular oil is not as celebrated here as it is in the States. I don't think that's the reason at all. Anyway, we're driving through, and I realized at some point there were no bums. There were no unhoused persons, no tramps on the streets. I didn't see one bum.

We came to an intersection. At every city in America that I've been to, at an intersection of this kind, there's a fellow with a sign, night and day. And perhaps there's a woman with amputated legs on a wheelchair rolling in front, rolling in front of your car as a part of a two-play for someone to knock on the window and ask for cash. But there was no one. And it wasn't like a joyful feeling of, we've addressed homelessness successfully. It was a feeling of, what have they done with the bums? And of course, we're just not generating the bums, I would think.

It's not like we've got a big camp that we usher people into and we have bums here and there. Sweet, sweet, wonderful bums. Got to stop calling them bums. I've also had a lot of thoughts about women's bums. Bums are so big in America. I wrote a little poem about it in my mind on the way here. See if I can remember it. Oh yes, it went like this. Bums in America are big and round. Bums in Australia look like they wouldn't make a sound. How? The big bums. Anyway, there were no bums. And I had this opposite thought, sort of, in the Austin airport where I saw a little girl with Down syndrome and also a midget. And people with Down syndrome and midgets are quite common in America, but they're very rare in Australia. And I can only guess, but I think it's because we're killing them in the womb. And they choose not to do that quite so much in America. So

what else? Oh, yes. I became emotional. Everything is so manicured and clean in Australia. It's a very clean country. Very neat, very tidy, very orderly. We like to go on about how wild and gung-ho and ochre and yeah, nah, mate. She'll be right, we are. But she's actually right. We're grooming her, if her is the country, immaculately. Ha! What was I going to?

Oh, yes! I went and I got my favourite sandwich. That's what made me sad. I got the Lucia's number one. And if you listen to older episodes of this podcast, it's about 30% talking about how much I love the Lucia's number one. Two big things about the Lucia's number one have changed, and this makes me very sad.

Number one, number one fact about the number one, which is weirdly the second most important fact, is the price has gone up. It was $14.50 when I left. It's gone all the way up to $17, which is too much for an Australian sandwich, even the best one. But I thought, you know what? Inflation, they want to keep the product the same. They've increased the price. I understand. Hard choices are necessary. And if that's the one they've gone with, then fine. Except fact number two, the sandwich is worse. And I don't think that's just it living on in my memory. The bread roll is lighter. The old number one, gee, you'd have to chew. You'd have to chew and chew and you'd get sore in the mouth, but it was sort of beautiful pain.

They've softened up the bread. It's almost like a hot dog bun. Used to be more like a bun me. And now the whole number one is just sort of one mushy consistency like some sort of astronaut paste. And maybe I just had a dud number one, but I've never had a dud one before, and I can't tell you how much that...

You know, you go away to try and buy a boat, and you come home, and is home even really there anymore if the sandwich that you love has changed. Some of my friends have changed. Some are a little greyer. Some are a little more tired. Some are looking better than ever. Some have gained weight. None thus far have lost weight, except for me. Everyone going, James, you're so skinny. And at first I was just saying, thank you. But of course, you can't say that when people say a nice thing. You can't just, it's in America you can. In America, people say, gee, you're great. And you go, thanks,

you are great. But that's not the way we do things in this country. You have to immediately pay yourself out. And, boy, I am losing my hair. You'll notice I haven't had a haircut because I'm... Ah, there's a couple of reasons I didn't get a haircut. Part of me thought that memory lived in hair. And I didn't want to lose my memories of my sweet homeland. Now that I'm back, of

course, it's perfectly fine to get a haircut, but I also, I don't know if you can see in the darkness, but I'm retreating. I'm retreating. I'm starting to look like Gary Ablett Senior and if we're not real careful, Gary Ablett Junior just around the corner. Oh, it's nice to be back for football. Of course, the Crowboys season is over and we've decided to give up hope. But it'll be nice to go and watch them fly in the cold frigid.

Cold frigid? Why not just call it a third word for cold? Why not be better? People deserve better. In fact, the current fans deserve better more than anyone because the Kill Tony episodes just came out and we have all these new Catamaran Plan fans. Excuse me, another solo burp.

Oh! Thought it was going to come out and it went in. Kill Tony was great. I want to thank Tony. I want to thank everybody on the Kill Tony team. I want to thank Shane Gillis for having me co-host, letting me co-host with him. And he, man. host with him, and he, man, ah, it's, I, I'll never, Shane Gillis is a great man who I'll never be able to repay, there are many great people that I won't be able to repay for all

the beautiful, kind things they've done for me in America, but, excuse me, I've become emotional, excuse me, I've become emotional. Excuse me, I've become emotional. I'm going to get out of the car and we're going to resume talking. There is so much to do in australia there's so much to do i'm here for a month we have a month to make hay i have power real power in this country by power i mean friends with gifts and abilities to do things. What are you going to do, James? What's the plan for capitalizing on all the hard work that's gone on thus far to grow the podcast out and buy a boat, which is why we're all here?

If I never have to do air travel again, that would be something very nice and sweet indeed. I'm going to have to obviously do some more air travel, at least for this tour. Tickets to that tour are on sale now. All right. What are we getting done in Australia? Number one, the tour.

Lots of great comedy shows. That'll be something. Number two, we're going to film some of those shows and make some beautiful online content to grow the superstar comedy cult. I don't like to use the word cult. I like to use the term fan base when I'm talking into a microphone, but privately sometimes I say it's a cult. Privately sometimes I say, what a sensational cult. What a beautiful, handsome, magnanimous cult. And it's time for our cult to take the oath.

I pledge to pledge more than it is an oath. I pledge to tell someone. Now you have to repeat after me in the pledge, by the way. I pledge to tell someone about the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan this week. Thus doubling the podcast in size if we all take that pledge. Catamaran Ho, thank you for indulging me on the pledge. What else? Book of Poems has to come out.

We have to market the Book of Poems. I've written a sketch, and I will now describe the sketch, which hopefully will not reduce the power of actually seeing the sketch, but this sketch idea came to me, so I'm driving along, you know, there I am in an automobile, and there's a man waiting at a bus station, now I also play the man at the bus station. We're using the trickery of cinematography. I'm both men. And it looks like I'm talking to a second man. But it's me.

And I say to him, I roll down the window in the car and I say to me, Hello! And then me at the bus station, I'll say, Hi! And I'll say, how are you, and meet at the bus station, I'm just gonna, yeah, do I, do we, do you know me, do I know you, do we know each other, no, I just, you're so beautiful. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Right.

I had to say it. Well, thank you. Yeah, you've destroyed, this has destroyed my happiness. Because we can never be together. I've got a lot of other stuff going on and we can never be together. I've got a lot of other stuff going on and we can never be together. But I have to live with knowing you're out there now. Oh, sorry about that. Starting to sound a little too much like a New Zealand. Oh no. Oh no. Oh you're so beautiful. Oh am I? Oh thanks. Oh Brett you're absolutely beautiful.

Anyway. And then me in the car goes to drive away. And then me at the bus station will go. I mean look. If it's any consolation I feel the same way. Ah. Yeah you're. you're very beautiful, well, thank, thank you, I have to go now, I understand, and then the sketch is over, now, the problem with that sketch at the moment is that I think it would be about 90 seconds long and for

it to really encapsulate what I'd like it to encapsulate I think it needs to be 90 minutes and black and white and go to Cannes Film Festival and win a lot of awards and only then will I make enough money to buy a boat when we find a French distributor to get that into theaters oh anyway we're going to do a lot of sketches. We're doing an interview show called James Jam that captures Sam Clark and I's, I think it's our shared favorite aesthetic. I don't know if you have an aesthetic, Sam, wherever you may be, that you like more than that one. You think that's the one? It's so beautiful. Watching Ocean's Eleven, I had forgotten that it's one? It's so beautiful.

Watching Ocean's Eleven, I had forgotten that it's that. It's like the lapels, the ties, the lighting, the bossa nova music, the sort of jovial nihilism rather than the just abject horror nihilism that is actually what nihilism is. We've got so much to do. So much to do. Affirmations, we've got a lot to do. Is that an affirmation?

Here's the affirmation. Affirmations, and we're going to do it. There are times in life, I'm going to take the zin out for this. This one feels important. There are times, there are fallow seasons in life where you must leave the field, you know, with its turnips just to rejuvenate. And there are times in life where things grow and you watch with quiet satisfaction, but there is a time to reap. And I think we are at the reaping stage and we must reap hard what we have sown. If we are to explode, I'm going to be having fewer solos in the future and have great success. Sketches, comedy, specials, boat ownership,

the podcast with just an unbelievable production value, the sort of which you'd see perhaps in a short film, but not just for some guy talking in a car. Affirmations, we're going to get it done, I'm so tired, my family is so tired, it's so beautiful to see all my friends, but it's absolutely, it's hard, do you know what I mean, like it's, just to catch, just to see people who I love, again, who I haven't seen in so long, who I've ached to see, it's fatigue, it's real, I was reading a,

you'll excuse me for a digression, or a regression, potentially an aggression if we get real passionate about it. But a few weeks ago, I was driving aimlessly west of Austin, and I came to a strange-looking Catholic bookstore. And as I often do at those, I saw if I could find a book of papal encyclicals from the 19th century, and in failing to do that, I noticed that they had the council documents from Vatican II. And much has been said about Vatican II. I'm not here to pass judgment. Not my place, I don't know, but I'm reading this book about Vatican II and the church's place in the world.

Not my place, I don't know, but I'm reading this book about Vatican II and the church's place in the world. And it really emphasizes that it is not our place to judge. It's God's place to judge. And it's our place to love as best we can. Now, in not judging, because we cannot see the contents of a person's heart, we are still to hold on to the truth. We're not to be gullible. But that people can be wrong, objectively wrong, and we can know it.

And yet we are not permitted, while holding on to the truth, to use that truth to judge what we see. We just have to love people and pray for them and help them as we hope that they can judge, pray and be there for us. And as I read this on the flight, at however many thousands of meters, meters if I may use that unit above the ground, I thought about what I had to stop reading because I became emotional.

And just what an unbelievably burdensome thing that is. What a cross. Because the more one grows in truth, the more one is disgusted by evil and lies. And yet it is as we have the greater increased horror of sin that we are to love more. And that there's no end to that. As you get better at one, you are to get better at the other.

And it's just a never-ending, I guess literally a virtuous cycle of truth and compassion that would end only in the infinity of God's arms. And I thought about how impossible I find that and how I can see just a glimpse, just in not sleeping and in holding screaming children and in flying and in coming back home, I got a little tiny glimpse of the ability of love to accelerate towards the sublime. I'm using big words now so that I don't feel as emotional. I don't want to have to leave the car again because of emotionality.

I swear that when you come and see me in the tour, it will only be like this for 15 to 20% of the time. Anyway, just that not only are we infinitely loved, but we are called to love infinitely and love in a difficult way and a rewarding way and how ooh, isn't that nice? Isn't that the religion you're glad you're a part of? Rather than the one that just says do what you're told! You get to be part of the one that says love better.

Always love better. And I hope that I can I hope that I can love better. And I hope that I can, I hope that I can love better. This is the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. Thank you for your affirmation. I will love better. How long was that episode? It was 27?

Hot dog. That's a good episode.amaran ho everybody oh don't forget to join the patreon there's a patreon you can join it oh yes Thank you. get more for your money. Terms and conditions for our different programs and policies apply. Details at fizz.ca. Hey, it's Mitch from SideNote Podcast, and I'm here to tell you about the new Google Pixel 9 powered by Gemini. Anyone who knows me knows the Pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant. Since I'm truly terrible at keeping up with emails, I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver. And if I'm feeling stuck creatively, I just ask Gemini for help and bam, instant inspiration. You can

learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessi Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in Here's a show that's what my grandma's on thank god phone a friend with jesse crookshank is not available on facebook it's out now wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com