The Jamie Kern Lima Show - Jen Hatmaker Pt 2: How to Live Free, Recognize Your Power & Feel Fully Alive, Awake & In Love with Your Life, finally!
Episode Date: September 16, 2025Get ready to ignite your own knowing and journey to freedom, faith, self-love and ultimate liberation with our incredible guest and friend Jen Hatmaker! Coming up in this incredible Part 2 episode, it...’s truly your permission slip to embrace your own truth, love who you are, realize the power is inside of you, and set yourself free, finally! With our incredible guest and friend Jen Hatmaker! Jen is an author, podcaster, speaker, advocate, educator, mother, and an amazing friend..to millions. From the power of her written word across 14 books, including four New York Times bestsellers, to speaking on stages, leading her own courses and book club communities, and interviewing countless visionaries on her award-winning For The Love podcast, Jen has an undeniable gift for reaching the hearts and minds of her community. She’s also a mom to five amazing kids! Her brand new book AWAKE: A Memoir, is absolutely incredible, And I don’t say that lightly, I couldn’t put it down. a brutally honest, funny, and revealing memoir about the traumatic end of her twenty-six-year-long marriage, and the end of life as she knew it. In the months that followed, she went from being a shiny, funny, popular leader, to a divorced wreck on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds parenting five kids alone with no clue about her own bank accounts. Having led millions of women for over a decade—urging them to embrace authenticity, find radical agency, and create healthy relationships—this seemed to Jen like nothing less than total failure. You begin the book rooting for Jen, and by the end you find yourself rooting for yourself! Jen speaks to your soul through her own story that somehow feels exactly like your own. AWAKE truly is a permission slip to embrace your own truth, love who you are, Ignite your own knowing and journey to freedom, faith, self-love and ultimate liberation. Jen Hatmaker…welcome to the JKL Show!!!! You can buy Jen's new book, AWAKE: A Memoir here: https://jenhatmaker.com/awake/ ____ Are You Ready to believe in YOU?🙌 jamiekernlima.com 👈 Sign up for my FREE Inspirational Newsletter and get ready for your self-worth to soar!🩷 Chapters: 0:00 Welcome To The Jamie Kern Lima Show 7:30 The #1 Key to Parenting 10:15 You Can Take Your Power Back 14:50 You Can Create Your Future + Rebuild from Rubble! 21:40 How to Move Through Hard Things 29:20 Your Body Is Wise & Knows 36:10 When Your Religion & 1 Thing You Believe Don’t Match 53:35 Jesus, Religion & Judgement 1:07:05 The Secret to Great Sex And whether you're joining me today for yourself or because someone that you love shared this episode with you, I want to welcome you to the Jamie Kern Lima Show podcast family. And remember this episode is not just for you and me. Please share it with every single person that you know because it can change their life too. It’s such an honor to share this podcast together with you. And please note: I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Click Hereto Subscribe to the YouTube Channel Follow me here: Instagram TikTok Facebook Website — Sign up for my inspirational newsletter for YOU at: jamiekernlima.com — Looking for my books on Amazon? Here they are! WORTHY Believe IT
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I did not know how much money I made.
I did not know what our bank accounts were.
I did not know how to file taxes.
I knew nothing.
I had outsourced so much of my own real life to somebody else, which was disastrous.
I think that is one of my proudest parts of this story.
And what I want women to know, nothing is beyond our capacity.
I'm never going to be afraid again because I can trust myself.
I'm never handing that much power to somebody else and hope they do not run me into a wall.
Coming up in this incredible Part 2 episode with our incredible guest and friend, Jen Hatmaker.
It doesn't matter how horrible it gets.
We still get to write the rest of the story.
It's not dependent on someone else.
There is something so profound about just going, I am in charge.
of me. Then everybody else around you is off the hook for being responsible to create your
perfect life. Thank God for this terrible story. I got shaken wide awake and so now I have this
incredible opportunity to live the second half of my life with my eyes wide open and just so
grateful for everything I've learned. How can someone listening who's been betrayed
love again.
Gosh.
My body had signaled so many things to me.
Jen, something is wrong.
And I was like, nope, you don't get a say here
because I like the story of my marriage
and I like the story of my life.
So I'm not interested in your messages
because they're messing that up.
So bypassing my overactive thinking
and getting into my knowing
what my body is saying to me
has been so.
a joy ride.
You came out and shared that you believe LGBTQ plus relationships are holy, and the backlash.
Oh, for sure.
What I finally came to was this.
That's the end of my belonging in this space.
That is the end of my career as I know it.
But knowing that I was duplicitous, I couldn't do it another day.
I could not look myself in the mirror.
I could not do it.
I was either going to keep my career or I was going to keep my career.
or I was going to keep my integrity, but I could not have both, and I had to have my integrity.
What would Jesus make of this mess?
I think about that a lot, how misaligned he would be with a great deal of the people who report to follow him.
The real version of him will change your life.
And do you know because you know?
I know because I know.
We are just worthy to God, just as we are.
Jen is an author, podcaster, speaker, advocate, educator, mother, and amazing friend to millions.
From the power of her written word across 14 books, including four New York Times bestsellers,
to speaking on stages, leading her own courses in book club communities and interviewing countless
visionaries on her award-winning for-the-love podcast.
Jen has an undeniable gift for reaching the hearts and minds of her community.
She's also a mom to five amazing kids, and her brand new book, Awake, a memoir, is absolutely
incredible, and I do not say that lightly.
Awake is truly a permission slip to embrace your own truth, love who you are, ignite your
own knowing and journey to freedom, faith, self-love, and ultimate liberation.
And whether today you're listening for yourself or because someone that you love shared
this episode with you, I want to welcome you to the Jamie Kern-Lima Show,
podcast family. Thank you so much for being here. And can you take two seconds and please hit
the subscribe or follow button on the app that you're listening or watching on. Thank you so much.
It truly means the world to me. And you can get inspiration right into your inbox from me for
free. Just join my newsletter community at jamiekernlema.com. Also, this incredible podcast episode
today, it's not just for you and me. Please share this with every single person that you know
who might need some inspiration today
or perhaps a boost in their self-belief
because what you're about to hear
can truly impact mine, yours, and their lives too.
Welcome to the Jamie Kern-Lima show.
Oprah, how have you defied the odds?
Her show is unlike any I've ever done.
A revelation.
When you listen, it feels like a hug,
but your brain and your spirit and your heart is like, wow.
Melinda French Gates.
When I look into Jamie's eyes, I feel like I am on some other cosmic level with her.
I could see the light around her.
She's infused with light.
Imagine overcoming self-doubt, learning to believe in yourself and trust yourself and know you are enough.
Welcome to the Jamie Kern-Lima show.
Jamie Kern-Lima is her name.
Everybody needs Jamie Ful-Lema in their wife.
Jamie Kern Lima
Jamie you're so inspiring
Jamie Kern Lima
If your kids could only
If your kids could only remember one thing
about the way that you love them through this
What would you hope that it is?
We've had this gift of time
now that we can
look back with clarity and see some of that.
And so some of it they have said to me.
And so I've got to have that gift in my pocket of what they have,
how they perceived the breaking of our family and then us cobbling together what we had
left.
And what they have told me primarily, which I think is my greatest,
joy is that I was a hundred percent absolutely with them, with them. And that
both of their parents weren't. And so we never left each other side. We were in lockstep,
me and those kids. I mean, it was a beautiful part of the story, which is a weird thing to say now
when I look back on it. And I just think of how many zillions of hours I sat with those kids on
the porch. And sometimes we were working through our actual story. Sometimes it was that
direct and, you know, right at it. And we were talking about our real feelings. And sometimes we were
just being dumb and absurd and silly and laughing and determined to still have joy in our
lives. And those memories are so precious to me. And so I think we really overcomplicate parenting
a lot. Like, I know I've been handed a billion stories about what does it mean to be a good
parent. And we had all these rules that we were supposed to follow like do this, this, this and this
and not that, that, and that. And oh, God, parenting seemed like such a gauntlet when I was younger.
and everybody was telling me how to do it right.
But now that I'm on the other side of all those building years
and I mostly have adults,
I'm pretty convinced just the being their part.
I'm here.
I'll always be here.
I'll never not be here.
You can always count on me.
You can count on me.
I'll screw up along the way, of course,
but you can count on me.
I'll be rock solid for you.
Nothing will ever remove me from your life.
I think that's pretty much it.
like we can make a lot of mistakes in there we can wobble a lot as parents and we do
and that is the lead story that pulls through our commitment when your kids watch you
building your self-worth and rebuilding your self-worth what do you hope they learn for
themselves yeah boy they watch me do that
Listen, Jamie, when I first, when all this first happened, it's so embarrassing to say, I did not
know how much money I made. Like, I did not know what our bank accounts were. I did not know how
to file taxes. I, I did not know what our 401K looked like. I knew nothing. I had outsourced so much
of my own real life to somebody else, which was disastrous.
My kids literally had to watch me learn how to bank, learn how to invest, write a will,
figure out health insurance, sort out all the mechanics of an independent life.
They watched me do it.
messy, messy, messy. It's easy to say in hindsight now, now that I have it sort of all
in check. At the time, what a sloppy mess. And they watched me do it. We learned how to handle
money together at the same time. It was like we're all students, me and the kids, learning how
to manage our money, learning what that looked like, learning what it meant to handle boring
stuff like broken cars and the yard and the grill and when the disposal breaks. Like
they just watched it. And so I think that is one of my proudest parts of this story. And what I want
women to know, nothing is beyond our capacity. Nothing. It doesn't matter. I was almost 50.
We can learn it. We can figure it out.
We can do it.
We are trustworthy.
Women are so trustworthy.
We're good at all this.
Like, I'm never going to be afraid again because I can trust myself.
I'm never handing that much power to somebody else and hope they do not run me into a wall.
Never.
I'll never do it again.
So I'm safe.
I'm safe with me.
And so having them watch that process.
and evolution was a joy.
And watching them assimilate those lessons at 22, at 24, at 26, instead of like me,
at 46, at 48, at 50, thrills me.
I'm like, look at these kids go.
They've got it in hand.
They're not going to have to have a life collapse and rebuild it halfway through.
They're going to have a sturdier foundation.
and I'm so happy about it that I could just skip.
As I watch them engage their young adult life, I'm like, I feel good about all of you.
I feel good about where you're at.
I feel good about what you care about.
I feel good about what you care about.
I feel good about what you have already said.
I won't allow that.
I'm like, thank God.
Thank God.
So that's been a fun story to actually live together.
Yeah.
When you imagine many, many.
many, many decades from now, when you and I are both gone.
Yeah, yeah.
And someone were to ask your kids who their mom is.
How do you imagine they'll describe you?
Oh, but I'd love to hear what they have to say about this.
What I hope that they'll say, what I hope that they would say.
Because a lot of people think they know me.
because of whatever, because of the work that I do and the public arena I've opted into.
What I hope that they would say is that my mom is the same person behind the curtain as in front of it.
like that goofiness that like genuine joy in other human beings that care for the world like
I hope that they would say that's who she is like that wasn't a put on that wasn't like
that wasn't fancy public gen and then we had this different mom in the house we had this
completely different personality um raising us I hope that they would point to in tech
and say we believed we got to believe who she was because she was always the same
she was the same and she was consistent and our mom at this age is still our mom today and
I hope that they will say that and I hope that they just know there's no bigger fan on earth
of my kids than I am just it couldn't be it just couldn't it doesn't exist and I got
that for my dad my dad's like that my dad was like that with all four of us and so i come by it honestly
but i just am like you kids she's so awesome she's so smart they're like mom geez
like you're you've got this she's so funny if they don't like you that's their problem i mean i am
i am in their corner and so i think that's a good um legacy to have i think any kid who at the end
their story gets to go, God, my mom was so in my corner. It's not bad.
In a wake, which is out now, everyone needs to grab their copy. Incredible. In a wake,
you say, Chase Wonder, and you will catch it by the tail, no matter how much you have suffered,
the magic has not run out. God. What do you say to the person listening who says,
Jen, I haven't felt magic in a long time. Maybe I just don't have it. Oh, my God. First of all,
I understand that feeling. Did I ever think the magic had run out for a minute? I did.
And I thought I used it up too soon. I used it up in the first half of my life and I'll just
limp along in the second half, I guess. I understand that feeling. I understand the way that
loss and betrayal or change or limitations can knock the wind out of us.
That's real, and I don't mean to diminish any of it.
I am here to tell you that is not a life sentence.
It does not have to be.
It can be.
It can be.
I know people who choose that as a life sentence.
Yeah.
They just choose to stay there.
And, but you don't have to, it doesn't matter how bad it is.
It doesn't matter how horrible it gets.
We still get to write the rest of the story.
It's not dependent on someone else.
It isn't.
It's not dependent on someone saying they're sorry.
It's not dependent on someone coming back.
It isn't dependent on a job.
or some level of success, some bar, you cannot hand me a bar.
I have not set for myself.
And then I get there and go, oh, my God, it didn't work.
I'm still just here I am and now the bar is higher.
It's not a thing.
It's not a, it is an inside job and every single person has the capacity to get there.
And so I'm so energized by that.
I'm so thrilled by it.
And now, of course, I get to watch women all the time go, look what I've done. I've rebuilt.
Out of like complete rubble, I decided to build with whole new bricks. And I have created something sturdy and safe and lasting and protective.
And I now know that is that is the birthright of every single person. And so what I'm
hope is that a lot of the young listeners or readers or viewers or whatever can sort that
out earlier and stop handing all their power to everybody else in their life, expecting everyone
else to deliver to them the story they want. That's dangerous. That is so dangerous. Not just
because those people will let you down, which they will in bigger, small ways, but because you
are absolutely forfeiting the joy of your own story. There is something so
profound about just going, I am in charge of me. I'm in charge of my relationships. I'm in charge
of my responses. I'm in charge of my boundaries. I'm in charge of my future. I'm in charge of my
joy. And because that is how life works. That is it. That's the honest truth. It's not because I am making
that up. It's because that's how it goes.
and so getting to that point is so exciting because not only do you get to step into this space
that is just so vibrant but then everybody else around you is off the hook for for being
responsible to create your perfect life and love you just right and get it all so correct
that you won't falter then they're just free to be normal wobbly people to love you to the best
of their ability, and you're not putting all that pressure on everyone and everything to deliver
for you. You're free. You're free. And everything rises with that. Everything. Your relationships get
better. Your work gets more interesting and creative. Your personal life is, it flourishes because you
are in charge of you. So anyway, it was worth every disastrous moment.
that got me here. It's, you could not have told 2020 me that I would be grateful for any
of this. You couldn't have. That would have seemed so mean to me. But here I said five years later,
and I am telling you, thank God for this terrible story. Thank God that my life got just,
I got literally shaken awake. I did. I don't, I didn't want to at the time. I was. I
I was mad about it.
I got shaken wide awake.
And so now I have this incredible opportunity to live the second half of my life with my eyes wide open,
steering my own car, and just so grateful for everything I've learned.
And that's not because I'm special.
I'm normal.
And so that is just what is possible for every single person.
it's thrilling i know you said in some ways this is every person's story and that's what makes it
so powerful it's not special i've said that when i was trying to get this book we were pitching
the book to publishers and i i said something to them where my agent was like i said look
my story is not special and that's what makes it important and she's like it's special i'm like
it's not special it's not special it's common and the bricks that
built that wobbly house are common. They're common bricks, and a lot of us use them in the
construction of our lives. And so not special at all. And I think that is what's going to make it
useful. And I hope that it is. Again, I did not prescribe anything. I told nobody what to do,
what to think, how to feel. This is not a how to. It's not a how to rebuild your life after loss
at all. Which I think is so beautiful and powerful because what I noticed reading it is,
that it just clears the space for you to ask your own knowing how to that's it how to how to for me
that's it and there's the space where you just start going there and you say in awake women are the
eighth wonders of the world may we love this little life with exposed beating hearts tender
regardless despite it all how can someone listening who has who's been betrayed love again
We need to pause for a super brief break, and while we do, take a moment to share this episode
with every single person that you know who this could inspire, because this conversation
can truly be the words and inspiration they need to hear today to keep going, to remember
that they matter and to feel less alone, more enough, more connected, and more worthy.
In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams, you stay stuck at the level
of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly
why I wrote my new book, Worthy, how to believe you are enough and transform your life for you.
If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, worthy is for you. In Worthy,
you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstucked,
from the things holding you back. Build unshakable self-love. Unlearn the lies that lead
to self-doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness. Overcome limiting beliefs
and imposter syndrome. Achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them
and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you
were born to be. Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth.
Get your copy of Worthy, plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com
or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you do if you fully believed in you. It's time
to find out with Worthy.
Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious and so is self-belief.
And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of
inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love
letter to you delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me.
If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiecernlima.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your one-on-one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you.
If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy, and love hitting your inbox, I'm your girl.
Subscribe at jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes.
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overthinking and learn to trust yourself at jamiekernlema.com slash resources or click
the link in the show notes below.
And now more of this incredible conversation together.
How can someone listening who has, who's been betrayed, love again?
Gosh.
I would love to be able to fast forward that person to better days.
I would love that.
I would love to be able to pick them up out of their sorrow and suffering and move them
down the road and drop them into a life that they cannot even envision right now. But the only
way to get there is to go through it. It's to go through all of it. And I am so sorry for that
being the worst advice anybody never wanted to hear. But if someone is listening and they are in
it, I structured awake, it doesn't have chapters as mentioned, but I structured it in three
parts. Part one is called The End. Part two is a week. Part two is a week. It doesn't have chapters as mentioned, but I structured it in three
parts. Part one is called the end. Part two is called the middle. Part three is called the
beginning. And that's how it goes. And so keep going. The thing about getting to the beginning is
it is a series of really small, seemingly insignificant choices. And you string a thousand of them together
and you've moved down the road.
And so do the next right thing.
Take care of your heart.
Take care of your soul.
Do the hard work of self-honesty.
You can't get there without it.
Some people deserve quite a bit of blame in our stories, and that's fair.
But if that's all we're willing to ever pick up,
if we're never willing to pick up the mantle of ownership, of self-assessment, we'll truncate
the experience and so do the boring hard excruciating work of recovery of examination
of truth telling of vulnerability i am telling you it's you'll get there you will i
it's magic it's slow excruciating boring magic but it will get you there will you share
and awake about finding love, and I'm going to ask you a little about that in a minute.
Everything from date naps to how do we, like all the things, how do we know when we're ready?
But I want to just read something.
When I say this book, every word, you'll be hanging on every word in this book.
And you write, you say, I will never again outsource my life.
When my body tells me what is true, I will believe her the first time.
When she tells me what to do, I'll listen.
When she tells me something is wrong, I'll trust her.
When she says, this isn't good enough for you, I'll stop clinging to it.
When she says, full steam ahead, I'll move forward in joy.
How do we learn to hear ourselves and trust ourselves?
You're probably like me in that I was raised.
not only to not trust my body, but to disbelieve my body, that my body was not trustworthy,
that it could not be an agent of discernment, that something was faulty about it,
and I needed to outsource all wisdom to somebody else on what they told me to do, think, feel, or believe.
So, well, I grew up in hierarchical authority structures.
That worked for me.
I'm like, okay, great, somebody else is in charge of me.
it was the work of adulthood to go my body is the singular source of the highest wisdom I can access
all of our bodies are our bodies have one goal and that is to protect us and keep us safe
and help us flourish that's it that it has no agenda it's not interested in the narratives that we've
bought into it has no capacity for an agenda its agenda is our well-being
and so my body had signaled so many things to me. Jen, something is wrong. Jen, things are so
going sideways. Jen, this is not normal. Jen, this is not healthy. And I was like, nope, you don't get a say
here because I like the story of my marriage and I like the story of my life. So I'm not interested
in your messages because they're messing that up. So getting back in touch with my body,
getting inside my bones, and I am cerebral. I prefer to think my way to everything. I prefer to think my way to
everything. I'll think my way through life. So bypassing my overactive thinking and getting into my
knowing what my body is saying to me has been such a joyride. And I've been, I talk a lot about
that in a way, because that is not my, it's not my way. It's not how I was raised. And it's not even my
impulse. I need help. People have to help me get in my body. I need guided meditations. I need
body healers. I have to have helpers go, what is your body saying? You? I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's right. That's right. She has something important to say. I should listen. And so that is
thrilling when we can figure out how to end the war with our own bodies and rather treat her.
Dr. Hillary McBride taught me to call our bodies her and she treat her with the greatest respect
that we would give anybody on this earth. That's our best friend. This is our best friend. These bodies
are our best friends. Our greatest partners, our fiercest protectors, our truest knowers,
they know. Our bodies know. Ask anybody, you know what's right. You know what's true. You know
what's wrong.
We, our bodies know.
Now, we can wage war and say,
well, I don't want to believe you because your truth is inconvenient.
Your, your truth is threatening my story that I like.
Your truth would require truth telling on my part that I am not ready for.
So that's why we disconnect there.
But boy, what a safety to finally end the war and go, I believe you.
Lead me and I will follow.
Life changing.
Life-changing for me.
How do you protect your peace when the internet has an opinion on every move?
The internet is so unhinged sometimes.
I've been at this a while.
So I have learned.
I have learned how to create a bit of an emotional barrier between myself and the messages of the internet.
even the good ones the good ones can also derail you if you start just believe one time i was at an
event where i was speaking and it was a rare occasion but i had my brother with me he's the youngest
he's 10 years younger than me and he had come with and and and women are effusive and hyperbolic and
so they're they're they're coming up to us and my brother's right there by me and you know we just
love you so much. We never really met in person. It's a bit of a parisocial relationship.
And I love you so much. You are so amazing. You're a favorite person. Turn to my brother.
Your sister is like our favorite human. And he was like, she's all right.
We can't believe at all. We're okay. You know, we're not as good as the internet sometimes
suggest. And we are certainly not as bad as they suggest. And so I think right sizing,
That source of input is important.
Sometimes there is a response that comes in a good faith way that has instructed me to do better.
So it's not as if we never listen to feedback.
We never listen.
I have gotten trustworthy, generous feedback from the internet sometimes that go, oh, everybody, I got this wrong.
Let me make it right.
So it's not that we never listen, but again, it goes back to that worth thing.
Either I hand that to everybody else to decide or it's an inside job, the end, like the end.
And so that is a real source of strength that we can figure out how to tap into it.
You know, there's, I feel like one of the biggest forms of cancel culture is the one no one talks about is just canceling ourselves before we even try.
And I think a big reason for that is people are afraid of criticism,
afraid of backlash, afraid of what if things aren't received this way,
or what if I fall flat in my face,
or what if I'm embarrassed starting small and it doesn't work,
or any of those things.
And there's going to be potentially people listening or watching
that maybe are learning about your magic and your work and your story for the first time.
So I want to ask you this, because in 2016, you know, are such a leader in so many spaces.
And big time in the faith space, you're in ministry.
And a whole thing happened where you came out and I just want to tap into the strength of you for a minute and how can other people sort of summon that strength and courage in their own life.
In 2016, you came out and shared that you believe LGBTQ plus relationships are holy and the backlash that happened, including even fallouts from business partnerships.
Oh, for sure.
Can you share a little bit about that how you made that decision, how you had the courage?
Because this is something that's impacting everything in your livelihood,
in all of it, your social circles, your everything.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was a reckoning and something I knew was coming.
I had, going back to our earlier conversation about, you know, we were handed a lot of
stories as kids, and then we've become adults and go, what of this, do I still
believe and what don't I still believe?
Yeah.
Where am I out of alignment now?
What needs a deeper examination?
What needs an adult brain to process this in a new way, independent of the spiritual
authorities who just told me what to think?
So obviously, in evangelical and some faith circles, you know, the LGBTQIA plus community
is to this day
disparaged
excluded
if they want to protect
their belonging in the community
their option is celibacy
or getting
turned straight which is of course
ridiculous
so
that
the cognitive dissonance
that I had been
process
through that narrative had it was untenable anymore because I had changed my mind I had I examined it
with an adult thought and discernment and maturity and went I don't believe that I don't think that's
true at all I not just because what I think but what I see like my lived experience tells me that is
not true not only is it not true it's so damaging it's so disruptive it is
so painful and it's having catastrophic outcomes. So I don't believe that anymore. But I also
knew the community. And I knew, I'd seen it happen. I'm not new here. I knew, boy,
that, talk about cancel culture. That's the end of the road. There is no road after that.
And I knew it. And at the time, I was still a darling in evangelical subcultures in 2016.
What I finally came to was this, because it was really scary.
I knew I was going to lose everything.
Well, and to put it in perspective for anyone listening new, you're on every stage in every church speaking.
Tens of books published so many people.
When you say the word darling, that's an understatement, how beloved you were in many, many, many circles,
and also in the evangelical or faith-based circles.
That's right.
it was a lot to lose and I knew I was going to lose it so it wasn't an if I knew that it was a win
and and I was scared I was selfish there were just all I was just there was all this fear that kept
me we need to pause for a super brief break and while we do take a moment to share this episode
with every single person that you know who this could inspire because this conversation can
truly be the words and inspiration they need to hear today to
keep going, to remember that they matter and to feel less alone, more enough, more connected,
and more worthy.
Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious and so is self-belief.
And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of
inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love
letter to you delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me.
If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiecarlima.com
to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your one-on-one with Jamie weekly newsletter
and get ready to believe in you.
If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips,
tools, joy, and love hitting your inbox, I'm your girl.
Subscribe at jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes.
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And now more of this incredible conversation together. But I'll tell you, like, because you were
asking like what about how do people manage this for me it became worse to be out of alignment
that was worse it was worse that I knew I don't believe this anymore not only do I not believe it
I am watching it actively harm this community every day and I am a part of the harming agent
and I'm too afraid I'm too afraid to go against the grain because I knew what I would
immediately sacrifice is my own belonging. I knew it. That's the end. That's the end of my
belonging in this space. That is the end of my career as I know it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.
And I was scared. But the walking around knowing that I was duplicitous, that I believed one thing
and I was letting the community suffer at the hands of the subculture I was in and succeeding in,
I couldn't do it another day.
I could not look myself in the mirror.
I could not do it.
And so I knew that I was either going to keep my career or I was going to keep my integrity,
but I could not have both.
I could not have both.
And I had to have my integrity.
You can sacrifice it for a while.
And I ran a middle lane gauntlet, which is absurd.
There's no such thing as a middle lane on people's dignity.
Yeah.
but I invented it and tried to walk it.
And at some point, it was just untenable.
So that was it.
That was the end of that.
That was the end of my career in that space overnight.
And my books, you know, we're all pulled off shelves and put out of print and released from every speaking event.
My social media falling just split in half overnight.
There was a lot of loss.
And it was really scary.
And it had a lot of attention on it.
and it wasn't quiet. It was loud and splashy. I mean, it was in the Atlantic. Like, it is
everywhere. It's in the Washington Post. Like, it had made, it was quite the circuit. And I lost a lot
over it. Lost a lot of friends. Lost a lot of partners. Lost a lot of, well, everything, I guess. But what I
want to say, that sounds like a sad story. And it was not. Because
there is you cannot put a price on living in your own integrity it's it's priceless it's like i took a deep
breath of fresh air for the first time in a decade wow i was like we'll let the chips fall where they
fall we'll see what's left i don't know i didn't know enough at the time to know like will anybody
else have me i have no idea like is the world big enough for me somewhere else
is. Did you know other ministers and people in those circles that also believed what you believe,
that LGBTQ, IA plus, you know, relationships, marriages, you know, are holy? Do you know other ministers
and the people that agree with you? But to this day, won't ever share that publicly.
More than I could even count. Yeah. I still get messages from them. Still. I mean, it's been a
decade since that whole breach. And, you know, I'm no longer part of that community and I've
built over here in the wilderness. But to this day, I will have pastors, preachers, big, like,
para ministry leaders, big conference. Give me their little quiet private DMs and going,
I am 100% in alignment with you on this, theologically. I'm, I will lose everything.
if I say it.
And I'm like, you will.
Yeah.
You will.
So when you're ready to pay that price, come back to me.
Like, the price is so cheap compared to what you get and compared to what we owe the community.
We owe them that.
We owe them our support.
We owe them our truth.
We owe them our allyship.
We owe them our platforms.
We owe them our influence.
So it's a, it's a.
it's an easy price to pay on the other side of it.
If Jesus were on earth right in front of us right now,
what do you think, how do you think Jesus would feel about someone who identifies that way
or is LGBTQ plus?
I think about this all the time.
I think all the time, like, what would Jesus make of this mess?
What would he do?
right now because you know everybody uses his name for a lot of bullshit yeah um so he has been
attached to a bunch of junk that he was like excuse me no i never said that um and so i think about
that a lot how misaligned he would be with a great deal of the people who report to follow him
they'd hate him they would hate him such a rebel like
he's super woke he was like the original like woke um he would not be welcomed into
this western american evangelicalism he's so disruptive god he will mess up your whole life like
don't fall for him i'm telling you right now he will take you down unpopular paths and he told us count
the cost. Don't come unless you're willing to count the cost. He is right. So he is not interested
anybody's power or their position or he is not interested in any of it. Anyhow. I always think so
fondly about how anybody that is marginalized, whether it's in the LGBTQIA community, whether it is
communities of color, whether it is immigrants, whether it is the unhoused folks, whoever is
women, I think about how delighted they'd be to meet Jesus. That's his people. That's his
deal. That's his demo. That's where he thrives. And he's told us that. Only
a billion times it's not a mystery the in that way the bible is not opaque this is not confusing
it's not we didn't we're not just having a difference of like interpretation like this is real
clear what our deal is down here and it is love and it is margins and it is mercy and it is being a good
neighbor. That's it. Like, so I love thinking about having the most broken-hearted, disenfranchised,
abused, forgotten, forsaken person in his arms. I love that thought. That is, that is what love is.
That is what they would experience. That is what they would feel. That is who he is.
So I'm sorry his followers have gotten this so ever.
left up. But that is that's not true. That version of him is not true. The real version of him
will change your life. And do you know because you know because it's happened to you? I know because
I know. Yeah. I know because I know. I know. I know because I know. I'm not fancy for him anymore.
You know, I'm not a fancy Bible teacher. I'm not a famous speaker in that way. I don't. I'm not a
pastor's wife, I'm not a wife. I don't have any of those credentials at all that used to make up
my resume, my God resume. They're all gone. And I am just as equally cherished as I've ever been.
I have forfeited none of it. None of that relationship, none of that tenderness, none of the affection,
of that like spiritual proximity that I have known my whole life I guess it wasn't about all my
gold stars after all I guess that's just what we get because we're born and because we are just
worthy to God just as we are not for what we do for him you know and so that's really good news
it's really hard to get that message through all the fog of the way that his name is used and
abused, but it is the truth.
And I think there's so many varying circles, right, and varying types of religious practice
or beliefs.
And I, you know, I have, I was adopted and I have five different families.
I know you know this.
And, you know, when I look at my families, they vote very differently.
They're very, they're all over the place.
There's different faiths.
There's different beliefs, and I think that what keeps people away from faith so often right now
is that they just can't get over that they feel so judged and so excluded.
And what I've never understood is how when even people have really, really great intentions
and they really hope to bring people into faith, yet.
they are so judgmental and make people feel excluded and it's sort of like so counterintuitive to me
and the way I've always found peace in is making decisions for myself exactly what you said
meaning okay maybe I was raised in this particular church to believe this particular thing or maybe
I read the interpretation of scripture in this particular way and what I do in those situations
for me that works, just in case this works for somebody listening right now too, is I will pray,
I will get still, I will literally ask, okay, Jesus, if you're right here, how would you be?
And when I think about things that I was taught or read or family members, even in past generations
that may have had ideas or beliefs about what's okay and what's not okay and who's okay and who's
not okay. It's like, I just believe in every ounce of my being. We talk about trusting our
bodies. Like, I believe in every ounce of my being that if someone was right here, no matter
how they identify, like, Jesus would love them. Just love them. Just love them. So for me,
you know, I have really strong faith. I believe in God. I pray every day. And I also
trust that knowing that comes to me over any particular friend I might have that has very different
interpretations of things and I have the whole gamut and I love them too and I love them too
but I think I think anytime you do have systems it scares them when someone actually turns their
power over to God and says tell me what's true
no doubt about it i mean the the power structure it's so tricky right organizing god why would
any of us try to do it yeah be or being his lawyer i don't want to be his i don't want to be his
ambassador like it's so tricky to do that and it's always been done by humans so there's just
there's error and agenda and context baked into the sauce yeah and so
to me, it isn't a function of like spiritual doubt to move away from some of those
certainties that we grew up in. To me, that is a sign of great faith that we go, wait,
I believe in God enough. I believe that he is true enough, that I'm not willing to accept
this anemic version of him that hurts people or leaves them out or or uses shame and fear
as their primary tools.
Otherwise, if we didn't care about him,
we would just be like,
oh, I'll just walk away from all of it.
I'll just leave the whole sinking ship behind.
But to me, it's a sign of great faith to go,
no, no,
I don't think you just get to rewrite the whole story of God.
Yeah.
You know, we'll ask him.
And when in doubt, my, like, North Star is,
what would love have to say about this?
What would love have to say about this person?
what would love have to say about this moment?
What would love have to say about this doctrine?
What would it have to say about this conversation?
What a great...
That almost never leaves me wrong.
Yeah.
That is a good leader.
And that's God's deal.
Or at least that's what he said it is.
That's his deal.
Full stop.
The love is the thing.
Love is the point and love is the way.
So I don't feel like I need to make it any more complicated than that.
Yeah.
I feel God's presence.
so strong um right now in this conversation and that for me is what i trust like that is what
i trust and i just i don't know who needs to hear this today who maybe has been burned by
you know a past experience or thought maybe it's not for them or they've made too many past
mistakes or they're somehow disqualified from being like worthy of of even saying god are you real
and can we have a relationship like there's so many people like that and i hope this conversation
maybe in a way makes them realize that there's a whole lot of ways, including trusting themselves
in this versus, you know, potentially a past experience or a man-made version.
Speaking of men, speaking of men.
On that note, from God to a dude.
Because I already know what's going to happen.
We're going to get flooded with questions about, wait, wait, did Jen go on dating apps?
And I'm going to say, got to read awake.
you got to read all the details about your girlfriend's rallying around you about just all the things
and and and everyone needs to get the book just to get I couldn't I said this before I couldn't put it down
like I couldn't put it down and I'm not like a huge reader I love books but I'm not like a huge reader
sure um there's a lot of things I love to do and books I'm not just but I couldn't put it
down. And so I'm excited for everyone to read the juicy details. Yeah, yeah. Because I also love
living vicariously through, I'm imagining, like, the group of friends that was around. You
freaking out when you find, like just all of it. But there's going to be so many women. And
maybe they're our age. Maybe they're 10 years younger. Maybe they're 10 years older. And they're
like, okay, how do I even get on a dating app? We had Whitney Wolf heard from Bumble on here,
which I love so much. And it's so fun now that, you know, that. That, you know, that,
at every age, every situation can hop on a dating app.
And I know just to ask you for you, you know,
and I'm not going to give away anything
because there's so much in this book.
Yeah.
But when this sort of happened for the first time,
post 26-year marriage, can you sure?
Just give us a hint about anyone in that situation
who's like, you know, have I gone through too many hard,
times to find love again. Am I too young or too old to find love again?
Totally. Do I have too many issues? Do I? I mean, all the things I hear, right, that we all say to
ourselves. Oh my gosh. Okay, how did you get to that point? L.O.L. And give us like a little
juicy insider info on what anyone who is in that spot of going, you know what, I'm going to open
my heart again. Maybe after hearing Jamie and Jen today, I'm getting on the dating app, maybe I'm, you know,
going to go out of the house and go to the grocery store instead of ordering groceries in maybe
I'm going to do the thing tell us a little hint about what's going on right now and what everyone
has to potentially look forward to you girl took me a while to get there which I mean I only have
my own story so I don't really know if this is prescriptive but I do recommend for those of us
starting over if that's your category if you're like me like oh god I'm an old girl what I'm
a date. Like, if that's you, if you've gone through like a divorce or loss, there is a value
in giving yourself enough time to do your own healing work. I'm glad I to not steer into those
waters too soon. Um, but having like done all that emotional work for kind of a long time,
I noticed all of a sudden, I was like, wait a minute. I,
I'm listening to my body, of course, for the first time of my whole life.
And my body's like, hey, knock, knock, let's get near a man.
And I'm like, oh, my God, what?
How?
And I mean, shit, I started dating Brandon when I was 18.
So, like, it had been a minute since I have thought about an additional man.
And so readers should know there's a lot of this funny stuff in a wake.
so it's not all just a sad story.
Yeah.
Oh, no, this book is funny.
Yeah.
Oh, this book is funny.
And there are so many things we can all relate to.
Well, here's the thing.
It turns out that like love, like romantic love, intimate love.
It's not located.
It's not just for the young.
We're still just who we are.
Like we still have our little beating hearts and our bodies and we're older.
But that's still real.
So anyway, going back to your other guest, I spent, and I will not, I won't tell the story, you'll just have to read it.
But I did spend 12 hours on Bumble, 12 hours is how long I lasted.
And until I, at the end of this 12 hours, which I explain, I pull my sweatshirt over my face, burst out crying, and delete the app.
So that went really well.
But I'm like, okay, there's going to be another way.
and so I but I just had this posture like toward the world like I don't know like world
the good news is I am still tender enough to want love you know you can get so calloused
so harmed so hurt so broken that you just go never again I won't put myself in that
tender space again, I won't be vulnerable, I don't want it, I'll be my own girlfriend,
but it is kind of exciting to discover, hey, you can recover in such a way that your little
tender heart wants to love again and mine did. So there's one story in here that is very funny
about my first date that was accidental. I met, I guess I was going to be an accidental
date or since I was such a bumble failure.
And that was like, oh, I can do this.
I can do this again.
And then I very accidentally, and this is not a big part of the story, I only, it's just,
it's at the very end as just kind of a little closing addendum.
I accidentally met my boyfriend.
And we are, we're on our fourth year together.
which is insane Tyler Tyler and I love him and he loves me and it's shocking and stunning and I have
no I cannot even make sense of it and also it's weird to say boyfriend I'm 50 but that's what he is
I guess and so it is so fantastic to fall in love as a grown adult I cannot tell you I'm better I'm
Thank God. I am a better partner to Tyler than I was a wife. I'm older. I'm wiser. I've learned so much. I've gone through
heartbreak and then faced that like daunting road of self-awareness. And and so I'm a better person in a
relationship now, but adult love is really fun. Really fun. It's really fun. And then I was like,
oh my God, I got to figure out sex again. Like, this is the whole thing. Like, who will help me?
Anyway, it's been hilarious because all my friends are married. They're married for a zillionaires.
Yeah. They're no help. Like they don't, what do you guys know? You guys don't know anything.
You've been having sex with the same guy. Watch Netflix. Yeah. I'm like, I need to go outside of you.
You guys are not my think tank. And so just all of that. How did you get like?
the latest on sex again. Oh my gosh. First of all, I was like, internet, can you help me? Yeah.
Can you help me think about sex in a way? You know, I only came up through that like shameful
purity culture. I have no precedence here to think about this in any healthy way, um, to even
evaluate my own sexuality in a healthy way. But I'm beyond that. I, I think I said something in a
way like, I am no longer trying to please my like sex averse God, which is how he was.
was handed to me back then.
That's not my deal anymore.
So I don't, I'm not hung up the way that I was hung up when I was young and
impressionable, right, and had not even yet formed my own worldview.
So first of all, I got to leave that behind.
I highly recommend it.
I highly recommend moving into a new sexual space as a grown up without shame.
Let's start there.
And so then I just started finding like great teachers.
Listen, the internet's dumb sometimes, but also sometimes it can be pretty great.
And so I started like following people who are like, we are, let us help you, like in your like sexual relationships and in your body and in your own feelings and in your own desires and all of it.
And I'm like, follow, follow.
It follows fast as I could.
And so that has been like such a fun, vibrant, exciting part of being in.
a new relationship at this age where there's no like shame to be had yeah we're done with that
yeah so instead it's just like exciting and connected and healthy and fun and five out of five
stars and when you lose all the shame and you do all the work and you do all the healing and
you do all the self-worth building is sex and intimacy
way better now than it's ever been. I just, it's almost like it can't even be compared.
Wow. I don't even know that I could put it on the same playing field. Like,
yeah, it's just so different because I am so different inside of it. Yeah. Also,
you're awake now. I am. Yeah. And so that means that when you decide I am no longer operating
from this shame story, then other things get to go. Like, you're also no longer operating with all these
inhibitions. Yes. And with all these, um, hangups, even with all this like body shame.
You know, I body shame was a big part of that culture too. We needed our bodies to look a
certain way. And if we weren't desirable, be careful because they'll, your personal cheat on you
and go find somebody younger and better. I, you know, I had that narrative. Yeah. So I'm like,
well, this is what I got. I'm grown. I am not 24. I do not have the body that I walk
into adulthood with, but this is the one that I have. Turns out it's plenty. It's enough.
And that's a bad story that we've just been telling ourselves. Not even true. Yeah.
It's not even true. Yeah. So that can go to. Yeah. And every single person listening right now,
their body is plenty. It's plenty. Yeah. Hallelujah. Listen, your dude, it's going to be super into it.
Exactly how it is. And all the weird little thoughts that we're having, how am I bending? How does it look?
what is it from what is from this thing that zero men is my thought showing no man is thinking
that thought no man yes that's some dumb narrative that we are on a loop here yes bury it your body
is just great like take it right into the bedroom it's going to do the trick in a wake yeah
you say i will never quit me again which means other people will be free just to love me
Not heal, complete, validate me.
That's too much pressure and not their job.
That is being let around blindfolded, hoping no one runs me into a wall again.
My eyes are open.
I can see for myself, I'm awake, wide awake, eyes bright and alive and scanning the horizon with great hope for the second half of my life.
Awake at last.
For every person listening and watching right now who's about to go run and grab.
their copy of awake or get it in the audio book. What final words do you want to share with them
about the book, about what they're going to get out of it, about who it's for, about what your hope
is for them as they dive into it? I'm so hopeful for the readers. I feel like I have this special
insider knowledge having gone through the worst, having had my entire life,
leveled down to the ground in every way that I knew it and learned what we are capable of,
how we are capable of healing and of resurrecting a life that we are worthy of.
I now know that that is possible for every single person.
And so I feel like I have this secret and that I am now watching women who are drowning.
and they are hurting and they are they're in the ER like where I was on page one where I started
I started in the ER that's where they're at right now and I want to grab them by the hands and be
like keep going your story is about to turn beautiful I mean it I and again it's not because I'm
special it's because I'm ordinary and I know what is possible and so I feel
like a friend and a big sister who's maybe a mile down the road of where a lot of my readers
will find this story where now will intersect their lives.
And I am like holding up a lantern and I'm like, come on, keep going.
One step of time, get on down here.
You're going to get here.
You will get here.
One hard step at a time, but string enough of them together, you're going to get here.
And so I feel proud of women in advance for what they're going to do, for what they're going to learn, for what they realize they are capable of, and that all along, they're in charge of their own story, and they can rewrite it.
I don't care how old.
I don't care if you're 89.
I don't care what's happened, even if you're at fault, even if you have made choices that,
that broke your life in a way that is devastating.
Even then, we're worthy because we are.
And so I'm excited, I'm excited for people to go, I'm going to get there.
I want to be awake in my own life.
I'm like, let's go.
Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
Thank you for being here.
Remember this episode's not just for you and me.
Please share it with every single person that you know because it can impact and change.
their life too. And if you love today's episode, please click on the follow or subscribe button
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You never know whose life you're meant to change today by sharing this episode.
And thank you so much for joining me.
Before you go, I want to share some words with you that could it be more true.
You right now, exactly as you are, are enough and fully worthy.
You're worthy of your greatest hopes, your wildest dreams and all the unconditional
love in the world, and it is an honor to welcome you to each and every episode of the Jamie Kernlema
Show. Here, I hope you'll come as you are. Heal where you need. Blossom what you choose,
journey toward your calling, and stay as long as you'd like because you belong here. You are
worthy. You are loved. You are love. I love you. And I cannot wait to join you on the next
episode of the Jamie Kern-Lima show.
In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams.
You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth.
When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life.
And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy, How to Believe You Are Enough and
transform your life for you.
If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, worthy is for
you. In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results,
like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back. Build unshakable self-love. Unlearn the
lies that lead to self-doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness. Overcome limiting
beliefs and imposter syndrome. Achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them
and so much more.
Are you ready to unleash your greatness
and step in to the person you were born to be?
Imagine a life with zero self-doubt
and unshakable self-worth.
Get your copy of Worthy,
plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts
for you at Worthybook.com
or the link in the show notes below.
Imagine what you do
if you fully believed in
you. It's time to find out with Worthy. Who you spend time around is so important as energy is
contagious and so is self-belief. And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could
use an extra dose of inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter
that's also a love letter to you delivered straight to your inbox from me. If you haven't signed,
up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiecernlima.com to make sure you're
on the list and you'll get your one-on-one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe
in you.
If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration,
some tips, tools, joy, and love hitting your inbox, I'm your girl.
Subscribe at jamiecernlima.com or in the link in the show notes.
And please note, I'm not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute
for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.