The Jamie Kern Lima Show - “Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”

Starting point is 00:00:00 These two words will change your life. Let them. You are not gonna wanna miss this brand new episode of the Jamie Kern Lima Show with Mel Robbins. Already, this is like new, cutting edge, and already Mel Robbins, the millions of people freaking out over this, spreading it everywhere.

Starting point is 00:00:22 So, let them. If your friends wanna judge what you post on social media, let them. If your parents don't want to come visit for Thanksgiving, let them. If your neighbors get together and they don't include your family, let them. If the city that you live in decides to do a big construction project and it creates a tremendous amount of traffic for you at the dumbest month of the year, let them. You have no clue how much time and energy you are wasting.

Starting point is 00:00:57 Trying to control other people or things that you have no control over. You will gain more control in your life the less you try to control other people. I started to develop this theory. Wow. The more that I just let them, I let adults be adults.

Starting point is 00:01:20 I let other people live their lives. The more control I feel. Because when you're so busy controlling other people, you actually. The more control I feel. Because when you're so busy controlling other people, you actually don't see who they are. Mel Robbins is the host of one of the top ranked podcasts in the world. Her books on finding motivation and success have sold millions of copies. One of the most trusted experts in the world on confidence. She's written three best-selling books.

Starting point is 00:01:41 New York Times best-selling author and host of the Mel Robbins podcast. Life coach and motivational speaker. A dear friend who we are so proud of. All you have built and done Mel. Welcome to the Jamie Carey and Leigh Mesh. Oh, bye. Are you crying? Yes.

Starting point is 00:01:58 You're crying already. Yes. You're crying already. Because um... Before we jump into this episode, I'd love to invite you to join this community to hear more interviews and one-on-one conversations with me and you to help you truly believe in yourself, trust yourself, and know you are enough so that you can become unstoppable in living your best life.

Starting point is 00:02:23 I love your support. It's incredible to see your comments and how many of you are sharing these episodes with everyone else. And I'm just so grateful to be here for you and I'm so excited to go on this journey with you. It means so much to me. Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious and so is self-belief. And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's

Starting point is 00:03:00 also a love letter to you, delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me. If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekernlema.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your One on One with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you. If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy, and love, hitting your inbox, I'm your girl. Subscribe at JamieKernLima.com or in the link in the show notes.

Starting point is 00:03:39 In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams, you stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy, how to believe you are enough and transform your life for you. If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, worthy is for you.

Starting point is 00:04:07 In worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness. Overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome. Achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be. Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth. Get your copy of Worthy plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at WorthyBook.com

Starting point is 00:04:57 or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy. Jamie Kern Lima is her name. Everybody needs Jamie Kern Lima in their life. Jamie Kern Lima. Jamie, you're so inspiring. Jamie Kern Lima.

Starting point is 00:05:23 Mel Robbins says you can change your life and she will show you how. Mel has one of the most popular podcasts in the world called the Mel Robbins Podcast. She's a New York Times bestselling author. She has seven number one audiobooks on Audible, billions of views of her videos online, and is one of the most respected experts in the world of mindset, motivation, and behavior change thanks to her science-backed tools and relatable advice that has impacted the lives of millions of people

Starting point is 00:05:58 who follow her across 194 countries. She lives in Vermont with her husband of 26 years, Chris, and their three kids. She's also my dear friend, a really great roommate on trips, one of my favorite people to have at slumber parties, and the best wedding singer I've ever had the privilege of hearing in person. Mel Robbins, welcome to the Jamie Curren Lima show. This is like new, cutting edge, and already Mel Robbins, the millions of people freaking out over this,

Starting point is 00:06:36 spreading it everywhere. So, and I wanna talk about, you know, anxiety and tips to heal it for everyone listening and watching who maybe deals with anxiety or fear or control issues. Two words, two words and a theory behind them is been life changing for a lot of people. Will you share about the let them theory? Yes. So the let them theory is something that I

Starting point is 00:07:16 just came up with in the last couple months. And it is, I think, the most powerful thing I've ever stumbled upon. And I've learned some pretty incredible things in my lifetime from other people, from the power of something like the five second rule and prioritizing action, but the let them theory is at an entirely different level.

Starting point is 00:07:41 And the let them theory on the surface is extremely simple. And here's how it works. Let them. If your friends want to judge what you post on social media, let them. If your parents don't want to come visit for Thanksgiving, let them. If your neighbors get together and they don't include your family, let them. If the city that you live in decides to do a big construction project and it creates a tremendous amount of traffic for you

Starting point is 00:08:19 at the dumbest month of the year, let them. dumbest month of the year, let them. You have no clue how much time and energy you are wasting trying to control other people or things that you have no control over. And I was so guilty of this. And it is so easy to read something on Instagram, I don't care what other people think, and then regurgitate it like it's some sort of philosophy

Starting point is 00:08:46 that you have when really you actually do care a lot. LetThem is a tool that encapsulates the truth about relationships and the truth about control. relationships and the truth about control. You will gain more control in your life the less you try to control other people. And this is a learned behavior. This is something you learned because your parents, like parents, your job is to keep your kids safe.

Starting point is 00:09:26 Your job is to teach your kids how to make decisions. Your job is to set boundaries for your children so that they can grow up and become independent human beings. But your frame of reference when you are a kid is all about the adults around you. And because as a kid, you don't know why mommy's mad, so you think you're the reason why mommy's mad. So you then make it your job to make sure mommy's not mad.

Starting point is 00:09:54 Or you sit there and say something must be wrong with me when mommy's mad. And so that's why you get so obsessed with trying to control the states of emotion and what other people are doing or not doing. Because you think what everybody else is doing has something to do with you or mean something about you and it means nothing about you.

Starting point is 00:10:14 And the reason why, and the story for how I discovered it, I would love to tell it because I think it'll kind of put you at the scene at just how dumb we are. And how prevalent this is in your life. And so it is, I'm setting the scene for where I discovered this. So it was our son's junior prom in high school and having already gone through four high school proms with our two daughters, I thought this is going to be cakewalk, man. There are no spray tans, there's no blowouts, there's no like 55 dresses. It's like, oh my God, this is gonna be cakewalk, man. There are no spray tans, there's no blowouts, there's no like 55 dresses.

Starting point is 00:10:46 It's like, oh my God, this is gonna be amazing. It was the worst. He was way worse because he didn't communicate anything, Jamie. First of all, he's not going. Then he's going with a group of guys. Then we live in the middle of Vermont, where the hell are we gonna buy a tux?

Starting point is 00:10:59 Then all of a sudden he decides he wants Stan Smith Adidas edition sneakers. I gotta track them down, we gotta have them overnighted. Now he's asking a date some chick he doesn't even know. So then there's that whole thing. This all happens by the way, in the five days before the prom. So we are leaving to go to that pre-prom party

Starting point is 00:11:20 that people tend to have where you show up at somebody's house and everybody's taking photos. And we arrive and we walk in and I'm already on edge because our son has been like, imagine trying to wrestle a grizzly bear to the ground and get him into a tuxedo and then get him into the car. When I realized in hindsight, he's just nervous, but now I'm annoyed and I'm stressed out. And so we get to this thing.

Starting point is 00:11:49 He makes a beeline for all of his friends, does not introduce us to his date. Everybody's really awkward in terms of the kids, but they all look fantastic. About 20 minutes in, we're settling down. I'm starting to feel a little less on edge and out of nowhere. I'm talking nowhere. This is like a freak mountain storm.

Starting point is 00:12:08 It starts to rain sideways. There's not a single person that has an umbrella or raincoat. Now is there's a hail. The umbrella on the deck goes tumbling off to the right and all the parents are now circling, right, and murmuring, and what's gonna happen? And I walk over to Oakley, and I tap him on the shoulder, and I'm like, Oak, what are you guys doing for dinner? Because it's 4.30 in the afternoon. The prom starts

Starting point is 00:12:35 at seven. Clearly, they have a dinner plan, right? He kind of shrugs his shoulder and is like, I don't know. I'm like, what? You don't have a reservation for dinner? It's the prom, dude. I don't know what we're doing. Do you want me to call the inn? Do you want me to do this? He's like, mom. And I start ramping up.

Starting point is 00:12:57 In my mind, like I'm going to fix the situation for him. So he's talking to his friends. I'm on my phone trying to find a reservation. There isn't a reservation anywhere in our small town because obviously other people had thought about this. It doesn't seem like any of the other kids in this group have a reservation either. And all of a sudden they start walking toward the door. No coats, no raincoats.

Starting point is 00:13:21 Like it is raining sideways, Jamie. She is going to ruin her dress, her hair, her makeup, his sneakers destroyed, the rented tux out that would like, I'm just like, all the other parents, where are you guys going? I think we're going to go to the cilantro bowl. And that's when all the parents are now like, we're all going to repeat this. Everyone's controlling the situation. It's complete chaos. we've all been in this kind of moment. Our daughter, Kendall, who we've just been talking about, was home for the weekend. She gently reaches over and she grabs my arm

Starting point is 00:13:56 and she shakes it and she says, mom, let them. Like what, what do you mean let them? I'm like on the phone, on hold trying to... Let them what? Let them go to the saunter ball. But it's raining, but it's small, but it's like a small... They're not even gonna... Let them go to a small place they can't fit in. But he's gonna ruin his shoes. Let him ruin his shoes. But her dress... Let her ruin her dress. Mom, it's their prom, not yours. Let them. And it was something about that moment and her repeating those words and repeating those words and repeating those two words, let them, let them, let them, let them,

Starting point is 00:14:34 and her hand on my bicep that made me just de-escalate internally. And as I started to de-escalate internally and kind of just let them and let them do and not need to control it, my thinking came back online and I thought, why do I care? Why am I not making a reservation for myself for dinner? Who cares?

Starting point is 00:15:09 Why am I doing this to myself? And so I walk up to Oak and I tap him on the shoulder and he turns around, he's like, whoa! Like, here's 20 bucks, go have fun. And this huge smile, like lit up his face and right out the door into the sideways rain they went, trashing his shoes in her dress. It was adorable.

Starting point is 00:15:33 And over the course of the next couple weeks, I couldn't believe how often I had the experience for myself where I was getting hooked by what other people are doing. Why is a celebrity promoting this thing? Why is this happening? Why can't we do it this way? Why is the government doing this? Why is the traffic doing this? Why are my friends having lunch and they didn't invite me? Why this? Why that? Like all of this time and energy getting cooked up

Starting point is 00:16:12 about my opinions about what other people are doing or not doing, or my expectations about how things should be done. Oh, the schools should be. You got a lot of lethams that you need to bring into the school. The teacher should be done. Oh, the schools should be. You got a lot of let-thems that you need to bring into the school. The teacher should be... Rrrr! And so what happened is I started to develop this theory.

Starting point is 00:16:31 Wow. The more that I just let them, I let adults be adults. I let other people live their lives. The more that I let them, and I just drop this obsession with controlling other people live their lives. The more that I let them, and I just drop this obsession with controlling things around me or having an opinion about it,

Starting point is 00:16:52 which is a way of controlling, the more control I feel. And so I put out a reel, and just, it was like 60 seconds. I was like, if friends are going out to lunch without you, let them. If you're throw a birthday party and a bunch of people come and all the popular people leave early

Starting point is 00:17:13 to go do their own thing, let them. Why? Because when you let them, you are allowing adults to be adults and you are allowing people to reveal who they are. And that's really important because when you're so busy controlling other people, you actually don't see who they are. And when you can give up control and you can let adults be adults, Jamie, and there's a bunch of rules that I can now teach you

Starting point is 00:17:45 about what we get wrong about relationships. But when you let adults be adults, because number one, you cannot make another adult do anything they don't wanna do, period. And you think you can, and it's not true. Adults only do what they feel like doing. The second thing, there is nothing you can do

Starting point is 00:18:12 to make another adult change. Why? Rule number one, adults only do what adults feel like doing. This is why you cannot make somebody get sober. This is why you cannot want somebody's dreams for them more than they want it for themselves. This is why you can't get somebody to be nicer or get somebody to work harder.

Starting point is 00:18:32 Why? Because adults only do what adults feel like doing. And you can't do anything to change someone. Here's another thing you can't make adults do. You cannot make another adult like you. You cannot make another adult like you. You cannot make another adult love you. And you are wasting too much time and energy presuming that people are gonna love you

Starting point is 00:18:54 the same way that you love them. Or presuming that there is some different way that you can show up or do or text in a certain cadence and twist yourself and not so that somebody else likes you? Think about the time and energy that you're wasting there. Especially when you really grasp the truth that adults only do what adults feel like doing. And this is the real power of the let them theory. When you let somebody else live their life, you have to look in the mirror and you have to confront

Starting point is 00:19:32 where you are in your life. And if your friends are not inviting you to lunch, it is not their responsibility to include you. Your life, your friendships, your happiness, your responsibility. And if it bothers you that much, instead of sending that passive aggressive text, I saw you guys having lunch, would have been nice to have been included, or bitching about them to other people,

Starting point is 00:19:57 how about you look in the mirror and you say to yourself, well, if I actually want friendships like that, maybe I should plan the lunch. Maybe these people aren't my friends after all. And if I want friendships that feel good, it's my job to create it. And what part of myself do I have to confront in order to take responsibility for creating what I want?

Starting point is 00:20:19 See, nobody else is responsible for the life that you want. You have to create it. for the life that you want. You have to create it. And the more time you waste going, oh, but my friends, oh, but my boss, oh, but my this, the less likely you're going to do it. That's a let them theory. Two big things. The less you try to control other people, the more control you have in your own life.

Starting point is 00:20:48 Yes. Huge. Yes. Huge. And you can't change another person. If you want them to change more than they want to change, it never works. I mean, everybody listening knows somebody that has been in that category of struggling and struggling and struggling and struggling and you try everything you possibly can.

Starting point is 00:21:10 And your life then becomes about rescuing that person. There's so much more coming up in this episode. You are not going to want to miss it. But first, I wanted to share this with you. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams, you stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy, How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life for You. If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, worthy is for you.

Starting point is 00:21:48 In worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness. Overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome. Achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be. Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth. Get your copy of Worthy plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at WorthyBook.com

Starting point is 00:22:39 or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy. Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious and so is self-belief. And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's

Starting point is 00:23:10 also a love letter to you, delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me. If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekernlema.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your one-on-one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you. If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy,

Starting point is 00:23:40 and love hitting your inbox, I'm your girl. Subscribe at jamiekernlema.com or in the link in the show notes. Joy and love hitting your inbox. I'm your girl. Subscribe at jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes. And now more of this incredible conversation together. And I'm not here to say that you just throw your hands in the air. I'm here to say there's a huge difference between offering support and taking responsibility for somebody else's healing. And at some point, the person who needs the healing or the person who needs to stop feeling

Starting point is 00:24:18 sorry for themselves or the person who needs to confront their addiction and their patterns, they have to take responsibility for wanting to change. And you wanting it more for them won't make it happen. It's true, but I'm just here to tell you the reality. The reality is adults only do what adults feel like doing. Yeah. And you can't make somebody else change. The reality is adults only do what adults feel like doing. Yeah. And you can't make somebody else change.

Starting point is 00:24:47 You can help somebody by letting them know how you feel and how their behavior hurts you. You can let somebody know the support that you're going to give. You can let people know your boundaries. I'm not saying it's easy. I think when it comes to these just difficult situations, so many of us have friends we know that are in unhealthy relationships. And even in my families, there are people

Starting point is 00:25:29 that blame themselves and they're adults blaming themselves thinking, it's my fault that she's in this relationship and won't leave it or things like that. And so I just want to go back to this because a lot of people, this might be really freeing for them right now. Or confronting. Or confronting. Because we'd rather make Mel Robbins a bitch than actually look in the mirror and say,

Starting point is 00:25:48 where can I own my own role in this? And where can I find my power? It's easier to blame the messenger than to look in the mirror and say, what can I take responsibility for? Nowhere did I say you're at fault. Fault is a very different word than responsibility. Because when you get into the lane of,

Starting point is 00:26:11 I'm in fault and this, now you're beating yourself up. Now you're insecure. Now you're feeling sorry for yourself. I want you to do something different. I want you to get very clear about what you're sick and tired of and what you can take responsibility for. For the person who says, Mel, no matter what I do, my friend just stays in this unhealthy

Starting point is 00:26:38 marriage or this unhealthy, she says she wants out or she's saying, my friends keep mistreating me, whatever it might be. And she says she wants out. How do they let them without feeling like, oh, I'm not doing enough or I'm looking the other way or I'm turning a blind eye on abuse or something like that? Excellent question. So if somebody's in a terrible relationship, what do we know? There's nothing you can say

Starting point is 00:27:10 that will make them leave that person if you confront it directly. And the more that you attack the relationship that they're in, the more defensive they're going to be in it and the more they're gonna stay in it because they're gonna feel like you're attacking them. And so when it comes to people in your life,

Starting point is 00:27:32 and let's just talk about varying degrees, right? When there's somebody in your life that's dating somebody, that's just not good for them. You're gonna have to let them. You just have to. And the only thing that I have ever found that works in my life when I have had someone that I deeply care about in clearly the wrong relationship, and I'm talking someone who did this for years, is the more that they feel judged, the more distance it creates between the two of

Starting point is 00:28:14 you, the more they hide the reality of what's going on and how they really feel. And so you need to let an adult be an adult. You need to let them know the truth of how you feel. And there's a particular way to do it, which is not, I think your partner sucks and he's abusing you, which is going to be very confronting. It's let them know the truth,

Starting point is 00:28:42 which is I'm worried about you because you don't seem like yourself. How can I support you? confronting. It's let them know the truth which is I'm worried about you because you don't seem like yourself. How can I support you? That's what you say. And then what do you need to do? And this is the hardest part, you need to let them. I'm worried about you. You don't seem like yourself. How can I support you? And what ends up happening is that over time, since you're holding out the truth, that stays with somebody. And when you get into the very scary situations, I was a trained crisis intervention counselor working a domestic hotline for four years. I am not immune

Starting point is 00:29:26 to the realities of the psychological stranglehold that happens inside of a abuse cycle and the very well-documented neurological programming that happens due to the honeymoon abuse cycle of horrible abuse, then tremendous apology, then quiet. The intermittent nature of that actually creates more of a trap inside somebody's brain. I get that. And there is nothing that another human being can do when you literally confront it directly to change that fact. nothing that another human being can do when you literally confront it directly

Starting point is 00:30:09 to change that fact. What you can do is you can let them know, this is where I'm responsible. I'm not responsible for the relationships you're in. I am responsible for telling you the truth and I am responsible for the relationships you're in. I am responsible for telling you the truth, and I am responsible for offering support to the extent I want to. And that is the truth.

Starting point is 00:30:36 And we also know based on research, it's a minimum of seven attempts to leave a abusive relationship for somebody. That's why telling the truth, I'm worried about you. I am here for you. I am here to support you. The second that you are ready to leave, I am here. And I know there's nothing I can do to make you do it.

Starting point is 00:30:59 But I want you to know I love you, you are so strong and I'm here. That is how you handle that. so strong, and I'm here. That is how you handle that. And then you have to let them. Because the more you judge that person is weak, the more you have an opinion about it, the more that you get all wrapped up around it, they can pick up on your energy.

Starting point is 00:31:16 They know that you're judging them and that you think that they're weak and you're pathetic and you're all this stuff because that's what your energy is portraying. That's why this matters. Do you intervene if somebody is spiraling? Of course you do, you offer the support. That might mean taking away the pills.

Starting point is 00:31:34 That might mean driving somebody to rehab. That's the level of support, but that's based on your boundaries and your truth. boundaries and your truth. The let them theory, especially when it comes to a lot of the examples you gave that we consume our days with, you know, why didn't he fold the laundry this way? Why didn't, you know, X, Y, and Z? Can we start that one? Yeah, yeah, let's do it.

Starting point is 00:32:03 Why didn't he fold the laundry? Why didn't they load the dishwasher? Why didn't they, or in my husband's case, why did Mel, why does Mel always stack the cardboard boxes up like a Tetris sculpture instead of breaking them down? Like this drove him crazy because, you know, everybody gets boxes to their house from Amazon. And I hate having to do that thing where you, you flatten them for recycling, okay?

Starting point is 00:32:31 At least we have to in Vermont. And I always have this thing where I would like slight, I would like the boxes would come, I'd carry them to the garage and then I'd stack them up. And I have these big plans that I'm gonna come back later and I will do it when I feel like it, right? Because why? Adults only it when I feel like it, right? Because why? Adults only do what they feel like doing.

Starting point is 00:32:47 So can Chris change my behavior? No. I will change my behavior when I wanna change my behavior. But here's what Chris can do. Using the let them theory, Chris understands he's gotta let me be me. He can't make me change. What is Chris responsible for?

Starting point is 00:33:10 His truth and his boundaries. So Chris comes to me and he says, can I share something with you? I'm like, sure. He said, you know, every time I walk into the garage and I see the tower of cardboard boxes waiting for some recycling fairy to come flying in here and flatten them all out,

Starting point is 00:33:34 I feel like you think I am your servant. And it makes me feel really kind of hurt that you think that that's all that I'm here for. Now, when Chris shares that, I immediately feel terrible. He's not shaming me, he's telling me the truth about how he feels. I don't want him to feel this way

Starting point is 00:34:08 So now what happens? Because I don't want him to feel this way. I now Will flatten the cardboard boxes why? Because I want to Does that make sense and Because we don't take the time to recognize that I am not responsible for somebody else's change in behavior.

Starting point is 00:34:36 I am responsible for communicating what I feel, what I value, how something impacts me, what I need, what I value, how something impacts me, what I need, what my boundaries are. And then the hardest part is what happens next. Because once you have that communication that really hurt me, it would make me feel great if you were to do X. The next time this happens, could you do Y?

Starting point is 00:35:00 The hardest part of a relationship is what happens next. Because now it's back to the other person and you're gonna let them and here's what's gonna happen. They are revealing to you who they are. If I don't flatten those boxes, it reveals to Chris that I really don't care that he feels that way. And this brings me to another law about human behavior. that he feels that way. And this brings me to another law about human behavior.

Starting point is 00:35:29 People's behavior is the truest form of communication. I can come up with a million excuses, Jamie. Oh, I'm so busy, I have ADHD, I'll get to it later, I didn't mean to. That's just noise. If you actually want to change or you actually care about what the other person just told you, prove it.

Starting point is 00:35:58 And by not doing it, I am communicating loud and clear to Chris, I don't care. And the hardest thing for us, and this is where the let them theory starts to get really deep, is when you really unhook your emotions, Jamie, and you let adults be adults, and you take responsibility

Starting point is 00:36:17 for your side of the relationship, which is your truth, your needs, your boundaries, your wants, all that kind of stuff. And then somebody reveals their true nature. Most of us don't want to face it. And so if we go back to somebody who is in a relationship that is very unhealthy, there was somebody who has a narcissistic personality style, there was somebody who's abusive.

Starting point is 00:36:46 If you embrace the let them theory and you embrace this rule that you can't change this person and that their behavior is the truth about who they are, now it's on you to really try to separate how you feel and what the other person is saying to really try to separate how you feel and what the other person is saying from the reality of what this other human being is showing you through their behavior. And again, we don't wanna look at that.

Starting point is 00:37:22 Because then we have to look in the mirror and go, what do I need to take responsibility for? If I take what Mel Robbins is saying and the let them theory is truth, and if I take as truth that adults only do what adults feel like doing, and if I take as truth I can't make anybody change, I can't make anybody like me, I can't make anybody change, I can't make anybody like me,

Starting point is 00:37:45 I can't make anybody love me, because adults only do what they feel like doing. And if this person's behavior is the truest communication of who they are and what they care about, now it's on me. And I have to make a decision, an incredibly hard decision, a decision that goes against all of the neurological programming that has happened in this relationship,

Starting point is 00:38:10 a decision that will have to make me confront the things about myself that I don't want to confront because I'm responsible for what happens next, regardless of all the stuff that went down. And that's why I say you are always capable of changing for the better. Whoo. Mel Robbins, I love you. I am grateful for our friendship.

Starting point is 00:38:41 I am so proud to call you my friend. I love you. I love you. Thank you. I have one more thing to share with you, but before I do, if you got value out of this episode, my only ask is that you please share it. Share it with another person in your life who can benefit from it. Post it and share it with others online or in your community who just might need the words and tools and lessons in this episode today. You never know whose life you're meant to change today by sharing this episode. And thank you so much for joining me today. And before you go, I want to share some words with you that couldn't be more true.

Starting point is 00:39:26 You, right now, exactly as you are, are enough and fully worthy. You're worthy of your greatest hopes, your wildest dreams, and all the unconditional love in the world. And it is an honor to welcome you to each episode of the Jamie Kern Lima Show. Here, I hope you'll come as you are, heal where you need,

Starting point is 00:39:48 blossom what you choose, journey toward your calling, and stay as long as you'd like because you belong here. You are worthy, you are loved, you are love, and I love you. And I cannot wait to join you on the next episode. This is the Jamie Kern Lima Show. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams.

Starting point is 00:40:13 You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy, How to Believe You Are Enough life and that's exactly why I wrote my new book Worthy, how to believe you are enough and transform your life for you. If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you. In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt and embrace

Starting point is 00:40:54 the truths that wake up worthiness, overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome, achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth. Get your copy of Worthy plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at WorthyBook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy.

Starting point is 00:41:39 Do you struggle with negative self-talk? Living with a constant mental narrative that you're not good enough is exhausting. I know because I spent most of my life in that habit. The words you say to yourself about yourself are so powerful. And when you learn to take control over your self-talk, it's life-changing. And I wanted to give you a free resource that I created for you if this is something that could benefit your life. It's called Five Ways to Overcome Negative Self-Talk and Build Self-Love.

Starting point is 00:42:16 And it's a free how-to guide to overcome that negative self-talk to build confidence and develop unshakable self-love so that you can dream big and keep going in the pursuit of your goals. Don't let self-sabotaging thoughts hinder your progress any longer. It's time to rewrite the script of your life, one filled with self-love, resilience, and unwavering belief. If you're ready to take charge of your narrative, build unwavering confidence and empower yourself This or click the link in the show notes below. This show is presented solely for entertainment purposes only.

Starting point is 00:43:08 It's not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, psychotherapist, professional coach, or other qualified professional. I hope you enjoyed this episode and conversation together, and I am so grateful to be on this journey with you. And did you know for every episode of the Jamie Kern Lima show, there are a set of special prompt questions just for you to help you on your journey of aha moments and revelations

Starting point is 00:43:39 in your own life from each episode. Make sure you join my free email newsletter at jamiekernlema.com to get them sent to you each week. And each episode is meant to be evergreen and packed with timeless life lessons. So you can go back and listen to past episodes you perhaps haven't heard yet as we are going on this incredible journey of building self-worth and living our best lives together.

The Jamie Kern Lima Show - “Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”

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