The Jefferson Fisher Podcast - 3 Ways You’re Weakening Your Message Without Knowing It

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

Join me on Supercast for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and AMAs: https://jefferson.supercast.com/ There are three mistakes I see people make in conversations every single day—and they’re quietly destroying relationships without you realizing it. In this episode, I break down why using absolutes like “always” and “never” instantly derails communication, how overexplaining weakens your message, and why the first seven seconds of any conversation matter more than everything that follows. If you want to be heard, respected, and taken seriously, this is where you start. Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth. Upgrade Your Every Day. Get 20% off at cozyearth.com/jefferson or use code JEFFERSON at check out. Butcher Box: $20 off your first box and free shipping at https://butcherbox.com/jefferson  Mill. Try risk-free for 90 days and get $75 off at https://www.mill.com/jefferson  and use code JEFFERSON at checkout. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show!  Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter.  Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube  Follow me on Instagram  Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Before we get into it, quick note, I just launched a premium version of the podcast on Supercast. If you want ad-free episodes, bonus content, and AMAs where I answer your questions directly, it's all there. If you like to support the show and get access to all of that, I want you to go to jefferson.com or you can check the link in the description below to join. All right, let's get into it. The top three mistakes that I see communicators make are one, they use absolutes, the always and the nevers. two, they over explain their words, and three, they find a way to not take control of the first seven seconds of the conversation. Without those seven seconds, everything else does not fall into

place. This is the Jefferson Vischer podcast. You know what it is if you're listening. And this is a good content for you. If you would, just please press the subscribe button. It means a lot to me, my family, and tells wherever you're listening that this is good content. I want to get right into it. So, number one if you don't want to make this mistake it's very simple but it's also very hard absolutes you know what it's like when you're in conversation with people or let's better yet an argument with somebody probably somebody you're very close with I might be married to might be in a relationship with and they use this word right here always usually there's something that comes right before it and it's the word you you always you know you

Never. They're generally not positive statements, if I had a guess, the only time you hear those is in some kind of negative conversation, meaning the other person's using these words with a downward, mad, angry, frustrated, disappointed expression on their face. You never listen to me. You always say this. You never care. And it should just send sirens off in your brain. That is one of the number one mistakes that I see communicators make if they're trying to actually have productive, efficient, successful communication is they use the absolutes, the extremes, when in reality, we both know that's not true. And really, the other person knows it's not true. They know it too. It just feels better to say it. It feels better to use the absolutes. Let me, let's play it out for a second. Let's say

you and I are in a conversation and I'm in an argument with you and I say it is just like you always say you every time you come in you always say you never do anything that I ask you never pick up around here you never do this you never you always want to be the first to do those words those absolutes they create a lot of friction in the conversation because the conversation is no longer about the issue. It is now about the accuracy. It's no longer about the thing you are first originally talking about what's beneath that all. Instead, it's now about the accuracy of somebody's statement. That's what happens to your brain. When the other person's side, when you use the absolutes, what happens to the other person is they start to go, that's not accurate. That's not

accurate. I don't always do that. I don't never do this. And they start to try and pick and poke and look at the accuracy. Okay, well, let's look at the timeline. What's the last time that I said that? Or when's the last time I did that? And it becomes a timeline game. It becomes who's more accurate, whose memory is better, who is the kind of the referee of the argument. And accuracy calls, when somebody blows the whistle on accuracy, say, that's not accurate. I don't always do that. I don't never do that. It's now a second. argument. So if you have a straight line of A to B and you and are talking and I just use the word never, you never, you know, it happens, we split, right? It's the multiverse. We have two different

timelines happening because now that second one only cares about accuracy, meaning you're having an argument about whether you always or never did the thing. And so when I say accuracy, it's about, is, are they saying something that is correct? And as soon as the other person goes, actually, I don't always do that. It stinks because you're like, I don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about the issue itself. And that's where you get caught up. So what's Jefferson?

What's the point here? The point here is that you don't use them. And I know that sounds easier said than done, but it happens all the time. It happens in my relationships. It happens in my family's relationships and my friends' relationships. that happens among all of us. What I'm saying is, it will happen. The key here is quick to fix it.

So what are some ways we can do that instead? If you catch yourself using that. One is if you catch yourself saying always and never, be the bigger person and grab it back. If you say always, catch it and go actually not always, a lot of the time, some of the time, most of the time, right? Catch it. So, I mean, if you say it out loud of, listen,

You never stop yourself and you hear it and go, actually it's not never. It's a lot. It feels like a lot to me. If you can catch it and grab it, that's an easy win. You now don't have to have that second multiverse argument about accuracy. Number two, a quick way is to say, when you, I feel. It's a framework that works in a lot of different circumstances. You've heard me on this podcast talk about it.

And it's a framework that works a lot of the time. It's when you, I feel. saying, when you do this, I feel that. When you X, I feel Y. When you speak to me in that tone, I feel like you're disappointed in me and I'm doing something wrong. When you leave the food on the counter,

I feel like you're asking me to take care of it and you're being passive aggressive or whatever it is. When you, I feel, it's a very easy way of putting that in there because at the end of the day, these always and never statements, they're really just a self-expression of what's going on inside you, right, of what's happening inside. And in your body, it feels like it's always or it's never in these absolutes.

And it's way clear for your body to go, I feel it right now. So this is what it must be all of the time. And so when my body says never, it feels like never. So what's another way? A third way we can take care of this is think of it as a headline. Think of it as a headline, meaning I'm going to say up front. I'm going to say up front.

I'm going to tell you something. It's not always. I feel like it's a lot of the time. And then give the statement. You see, I kind of use the headline to give you a preview of what I'm about to say. And let me try it again. We could do a different way. I want to tell you something that's important to me.

And I'm not saying that it's never, but I am saying that I feel like. Like sometimes it's hardly at all. Then give what you need to say. So it's going, it's like combining the when you I feel with a catchback is saying, I'm going to go ahead and tell you right now, I'm going to use the word never, but I know it's not. I know it's not never. I'm just telling you it feels like it is.

Right. Can, can you relate to me on that aspect of that? Am I, are you safe enough for me to say, it feels like it's never, even though I know that it's, not. My brain tells me, my body tells me, my emotions tell me that this is always happening, but my brain knows objectively it's not always happening. Before we keep going, this episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth and also, in many ways, my mom. My mom, I gave her some cozy Earth pajamas, right? They are very soft. They're made of bamboo and very, very light. And my My mom's never been like a big PJ person.

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episode all right I think we've covered all the absolutes there's a range, right? From always to most of the time to some of the time, too often to never. It is something that easily slips up a communicator because, right, they no longer hear about the issue and now it becomes about accuracy and a recollection of events and people have to get out there, their logbook and go, remember, I did this this time and it does not serve you. All right? So don't be doing the absolutes. Number two, over explaining. You and I have talked about this many times and I will say it again. I like to use the three sentence rule, meaning if I can't say it in three sentences, I'm going to try to find a different way to work that.

Now you might go Jefferson. This whole episode's longer than the three sentences. What are you doing? Yeah, I know. There's some context that happens in this. If I need to write an email or a text or I'm trying to say something assertively, I'm going to try to apply that framework. It does not apply to casual conversations with friends or to a podcast or to certain things that aren't going to require that level of professionalism or, you know, a little different threshold of a conversation that you need to have. And again, it's just a guide that's going to keep you from over explaining because what happens? The more words you use, the less people are going to likely do what you want them to do. The more words you have to use to say no,

the more it kind of sounds like you're wanting them to push you to a yes, especially with boundaries. The more you try to explain your boundary, the other person starts to hear it not as a no, but as a negotiation for them to go, oh, well, if I took this off your plate and took this off your plate, would you be willing to do it then and see it feels weird because now they've kind of changed the paradigm

and now you feel like you got caught in some way you kind of have to acquiesce. Right, because you took too long, use too many sentences, gave too much context to explain what you need to say. What I tell everyone in my clients, when I prepare them for deposition, is that answer the question only. And if they have more questions, it is on them to ask. It's a muscle. It's a learn skill.

So don't think that all of a sudden you have to be in deposition cross-examination mode anytime anybody talks to you. That's not my point. What I'm saying is when it comes to communicating boundaries in particular, or really anything, the more words that you use, usually the weaker the point becomes because it's confusing. People get lost. People grab on to one sentence and start to use their message. Let's say you use an absolute for goodness sake. I mean, that would be terrible. They all of a sudden, in the middle of your monologue, somebody grabs onto an always and that's all they think about.

That's all they hear about. Or, I mean, how many times have you been in a conversation with somebody and all of a sudden you're thinking, man, I wonder what like, what's for lunch today? And you just have thoughts, distracted thoughts that are normal and are going to happen. And it's, there's a natural part of this. So how do you eliminate that as a communicator? Cut down on the excessive words, the excessive words. I know people that they're just looking for a captive audience. Really. And sometimes I give them one because I might be the only person they've seen and I got to talk to in a few days. And so they just need to kind of get it all out. And that's okay too. But for the most part, when it comes to effectively communicating, the more words you use, the harder it is to communicate a clear and certainly a consistent message. Number three, this is the one I want to give you the most on. It's about controlling the first seven seconds.

And this is not some scientific study. So I don't think I have some lab where we've ran all these tests. It's not. It's just the school of Jefferson, just of my experience saying, hey, in about seven seconds, I can tell, you can tell where the conversation is going long before it gets there. In the first seven seconds, nobody's really listening to your words. They are listening for what you do, meaning your signals. are you somebody who sounds upset?

I'm not listening to your words. I'm listening to the tone of it. I'm listening to the music of it. It happens a lot related to music. In music, we do the same thing. It is usually the first three seconds of just the music, or five seconds or seven seconds of the music, that grabs our attention that goes,

okay, I want to listen to this. This is something that resonates with me long before the lyrics show up. It's kind of the same way. Right. If I'm approaching you as somebody who's very kind of, I'm looking like I'm negative. I'm intense. I'm looking like maybe I'm really passive or maybe I'm really shy. You're reading all of that in seconds, right? If you can hear the tone of my voice, do I sound serious or not? Do I sound playful or not? Do I sound happy or not? I'm listening for all the signals long before the words ever come out. I know when C.

walks into a room if she's in a good mood or not, right? And she knows the same for me. I know with my kids. When they walk in, I can know immediately if something is wrong. You might know that. I know that with my siblings, right? I know that with my parents. People that are closest with me. I can tell when something is off and they don't have to say anything. Before we keep going, I want to tell you about Butcher Box. Butcher Box delivers over 100 premium protein options straight to your door, including 100% grass-fed beef, free range organic chicken, crate-free pork, and wild-caught seafood. For over a decade, Butcher Box has led the industry with meat and seafood that's antibiotic-free,

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And it looks great in our kitchen. Try Mill risk free for 90 days and get $75 off at mill.com slash Jefferson. And use code Jefferson at checkout. That's $75 off at mill.com slash Jefferson and use the code Jefferson. And now let's keep going. One of the biggest mistakes that I see that communicators make is not taking the first seven seconds of a conversation seriously. Because in those first seven seconds, usually less. That could be two seconds.

Nobody's listening to the words. They're listening to your mood. They're listening to your tone. They're listening to your facial expressions. They're listening to how your posture is when you walk into the door. They're listening to all those things long before the words ever come out of your mouth. So if you want to be an excellent communicator, it is making sure that you treat those first seven seconds like they are liquid gold because if something falls apart and it's oftentimes that it does,

you get the chance to say, I need to say that differently. I want to redo. I need to reset this conversation. If you feel that it starts to go off the rail immediately, I need to say that differently and restart those seven seconds, right? because if you're not in the right mindset, if you're not in the right, yeah, I don't think another word for it. If you're not in the right mindset, neither will they. Because conversations generally don't go south in the middle. So if we have a beginning and an end, conversations typically don't start to

lose control in the middle. It's at the very beginning. Meaning at the very beginning it's set it up to have a hard conversation. If I'm in an argument, let's say, and, let's say it's me who gets frustrated. I'm going to get frustrated really quickly right out of the gate. And you know what? That's going to color the whole rest of the conversation for me. And I'm going to have to be doing the mental work to try and dig myself out of that, you know, that mindset. Same for somebody else. If they're trying to deliver something to you and you're not being receptive of it, the good communicators say, I can tell that this is not going where we need to go. I'm going to restart it. Or let's push it for another time. So to me, the first seven seconds of a conversation

is sort of like the tail wagging the dog. I know if those first seven seconds aren't going well, it is rare that the rest of the conversation will somehow turn by itself naturally and improve. What I typically like to do and what I'm going to encourage you to do is reset it. So how do you, How do you do that? If you find that the first seven seconds are not going well, the good communicators will reset it. They'll say phrases like, I need to redo. I need to restart this. It's not asking.

You could ask if you want it. Can I try that again? Somebody's going to say, yeah, of course. They don't ever say no. But yeah, of course. Or what I like to do is can I say that differently? I need to say that. I need to say this differently.

And I restart it because most like, If I'm asking that, the other person's lost. They're like, yeah, please restart it differently because I didn't, I didn't prepare. I didn't do the mental gymnastics of making sure that I'm in the right mindset before we go into this conversation because that's, that's normal and what happens. Three quick, easy tools to improve your communication. Number one, we talked about absolutes, the always and the nevers and how those quickly tank the conversation to start talking about accuracy rather than the true heart of the

the issue. Two, we talked about the excessive words, how whether you like it or not, the more words you start to use, the weaker your message becomes. And the more the other person hears, it's an invitation for them to try and problem solve what you said and fix it rather than actually stick to your boundary. And number three, we talked about the value of the first seven seconds of a conversation, because nobody's listening to the words, not near as much as how they're listening to you and if you're actually ready for it. So how you show up in conversation, how you show that you're controlled, how you slow down your words, how you make sure you have the right tone, how you make sure you're approaching the conversation is something that you can

actually lean into rather than pushing them and making sure that you're in some kind of defensive posture. That's not going to be anywhere that's going to want to get you to where you're wanting to go in the conversation. So how can you make sure that you preserve treasure value, prioritize the first seven seconds that's going to make sure that you become a better communicator. So let's avoid those three mistakes. And I think my voice is actually starting to go out. So this is perfect timing. As always, you can try that and follow me.