The Jefferson Fisher Podcast - Ep.18: How to Accept a Compliment

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

Ever feel awkward when someone compliments you? You’re not alone. It’s easy to downplay, dismiss, or deflect compliments. But there’s a better way to respond to compliments. A way that shows appreciation, self-respect, and kindness. In this episode, I’m sharing 3 simple strategies to respond to compliments. Here’s what you’ll learn: #1: How to accept compliments without feeling the need to dodge or downplay them #2: Why a simple "thank you" can make you and the other person feel great #3: Ways to acknowledge compliments that strengthen your self-worth (and don’t involve saying “oh, I got it on sale”) These strategies will help you feel more comfortable accepting compliments, boost your confidence, and build stronger connections with those around you. This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. Visit cozyearth.com/jefferson and use my exclusive 40% off code JEFFERSON to give the gift of luxury this holiday season. If you get a post purchase survey, say that you heard about Cozy Earth from The Jefferson Fisher Podcast! If you enjoy this episode, don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review.  Pre-order my new book, The Next Conversation, today!  Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show!  Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter.  Watch my podcast on YouTube  Follow me on Instagram  Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The right compliment can change your entire day. A bad compliment can ruin it. But how do you give a compliment? How do you accept a compliment? And what do you do when the compliment is backhanded? On today's episode, as you can guess, they're all about compliments. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything.

If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast. And if would, please leave a review. If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments and I'll be sure to read them. I also want to remind you that my book, The Next Conversation, is officially out on pre-order and the links for it are down there in the show notes. The next time that someone gives you a compliment, here's what I want you to do. Number one, instead of downplaying it, you're going to say thank you and tell them what it means to you. For example, if I were to say, oh that's an awesome looking shirt, instead of saying this whole thing, oh I got it at Dillard's

off the sales rack or this is this is so old, I got this seven years ago, you're gonna say thank you, that makes me feel good, I like it too. Number two, instead of dismissing or deflecting the comment You're going to say thank you and tell them that you appreciate it For example, if somebody were to compliment you at work instead of saying I was nothing or I'm just doing my job You're gonna say thank you. I appreciate that that means a lot to me and number three instead of being self-critical You're going to say thank you and tell them how you value the compliment.

For example, if somebody were to say compliment your cooking, you made a meal for them instead of saying I should have seen how many times I got it wrong or you don't mean that. You need to just say thank you, I appreciate that, thank you for noticing, that means a whole lot to me. And you can really just never go wrong with a short and simple Thank you. The key with compliments is learning how to accept them not send them away That's what we typically do when somebody gives you a compliment What do you what do you do with your facial expressions most of the time you go back? See you do that nonverbal you kind of throw it away you get in you're like I don't deserve that you get out of here

No, that's not that's you don't mean. In many ways that is just sending a gift away. Imagine that somebody has made something for you that you like, you want, you want to hear, you want to hold and they give it to you and instead of taking it, you feel you're not worthy enough and you go, I don't, I don't want that. Get that, get that out of here. It is in many ways just sending a gift away because when somebody's complimenting you and they mean it it's it's a gift It really is and when you send it away or said that you're not worthy of it, or you don't deserve it It hurts the other person. All right, because there that's a gift of a giving spirit to you Instead this is what I want you to do. Instead of shooing it away with your hand. I want you to get used to getting your hand and

putting it on your chest. Alright? Putting your hand on your chest. So if somebody gives you a compliment it's much easier to say thank you so much. That means so much to me. You're taking it in. You're accepting it. You're saying that this right here is touching me instead of I get out of here. It is you touching your chest and that is a nonverbal signal that you have taken it, accepted it and put into your heart and say hey that that means a whole lot to me. You see the difference? It really really makes a big significant impact when somebody's giving you a compliment instead of sending it away you're accepting the gift. Now that's receiving compliments but giving compliments well that's a little bit different a little bit trickier I'm

gonna give you the short and sweet of it. Number one be specific if you're gonna give a compliment to somebody be specific instead of just saying good job and you say they're thinking in their mind, good job about what? What did I do well? Whenever you give these surface level general compliments like, good job out there, good job today, hey you look great. You need to follow up with the why. Why do they look great?

Why did they do a good job? You need to be thinking very specific because the more specific you are, the more personal it feels to the other person. Instead of just saying, hey, good job on the presentation. Instead, it's, hey, wonderful job in the way you clearly identify the mission of what you're going for here,

or wonderful job making feel everybody included in that presentation. I was really locked in. You see the difference? Be specific. Number two, you want to find ways to make it feel extremely personal and you do that by being observant. Be observant on the little bitty things. Don't look for compliments that everybody else gives. Most of the time people want to find, in my opinion, they say something

about your clothes or they want to know, in my opinion, they say something about your clothes or they want to know where you got that thing or how much was that thing. Those are nice. I'm not saying they're bad. I don't think a compliment can be bad if it's genuine and sincere. I'm just encouraging you to go for the minor details that not many people see. A lot of that time, that means you're not saying something that is tangible you're saying something that is a character trait. So I mean I really admire your the the kindness that you showed so-and-so. I love the

patience that you had. I saw how you shared this idea with so-and-so and you gave them a chance. You see how you find the ways that notice character traits of somebody rather than the physical attributes. It means a whole lot more. And number three, this one is an important one. Try to stay away from comparisons when you say, oh I wish I could look as good as you or I wish I could have done X, Y, and Z. I wish I had the confidence you had. Get rid of those because it's truly you just saying insecurities. At least that's the way they're gonna perceive it and it just really makes it about them. That's not that's not a gift That's like you giving them a gift of I don't know anything and you say I wish I had that

It's she you're the one that's supposed to be giving the gift with a full heart. So eliminate the temptation to Compare yourself. I understand it's to make them feel better in some way, make them feel like they're higher and you're lower. Don't do that. It just, it doesn't feel nearly as sincere. Instead, you just need to say it without the comparison. Got it? Cool.

We're now at my favorite part of the podcast and that's where I get to read a question from a follower. Those that are part of my newsletter are able to ask me questions and I'm able to answer them. And if you're not part of my newsletter I'm gonna encourage you to do that. You can go ahead and sign up there in the show notes and if you have a question just email me I'll be happy to email you back and it's a whole lot of fun for me. I am happy to tell you that this segment of the podcast is sponsored by a company called Cozy Earth. And Cozy Earth is a sponsor of this podcast because well I use their

products. Their bed sheets are on my bed right now. I am a terribly hot sleeper and their sheets are some of the coolest temperature wise that I found and I am in love with them. My wife loves their products, she loves their pajamas, the sweatshirts are great, the hoodies are great and so if you're looking for something to keep you warm and cozy and comfortable there's a reason it's called Cozy Earth. So if you're looking for something this holiday season I encourage you to try them out. You can go to CozyEarth.com slash Jefferson or and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. That's CozyEarth.com slash Jefferson

and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. All right. Today's question from a follower is from Rob. He's down in Florida. Rob says, Hey man, love your content. Thanks, Rob. I need your help. I tend to be the victim of backhanded compliments at work.

Typically there's, it's what happens in a meeting where there is multiple people and I lock up and I don't know what to say. I tend to just laugh it off, but I love to have some phrases that I can use when it happens. Thanks. Rob, I'm sorry about that, dude. I don't like that at all. So we're going to knock this out right now. We're going to put an end to those. What somebody's giving you a backhand, a compliment? Well, for those that don't know, a back bad kid a compliment is something that it sounds like a compliment on its face but beneath the surface there's a tone. A tone that is

sarcastic, a tone that you can tell it's not really genuine and it's meant as a slight at you. It's not a flower, it's a dagger kind of thing where it's not meant to be something nice for you. Here's what I want you to do Rob. Number one, when that happens, I want you to just take five to seven seconds. You're going to take a little breath, you're going to let that comment just fall to the ground and you're going to repeat what they said. So Rob, let's say that they, someone tells you, no Rob, you're smarter than you look

man. If they mean it as a slight, you can easily just take a beat and repeat back to them. Say, I'm smarter than I look. And that's gonna put the ball on their side of the court. Now all of a sudden the spotlight on you, the spotlight's gonna be on them. Everybody's gonna think, yeah, what did you mean by that?

And it's gonna give them a choice. Are they gonna double down on it, or are they gonna clarify it? Most of the time, Rob, what they do is they clarify it. They kind of fumble over their words, and they go, well, I mean, you know, I just blah, blah, blah, and they're going to realize that that kind of stuff isn't gonna fly with Rob anymore.

I'm not gonna mess with him. I'm not gonna say that kind of thing to him. Also, if... let's put it as number two. Rob, if they give you a backhanded compliment that you find is really egregious, as something that is really rude, I want you to do this. Let's let's put it in terms of... I'm trying to think of a backhanded compliment Let's say they said something like well, I'm surprised. I'm surprised you caught that I'm surprised you did X Y & Z They're surprised at something that should be really normal and they really put it as a put down on your intelligence

most backhanded compliments or Criticizing people's intelligence when that happens, I want you to be encouraged to say this. You're gonna ask this, did you mean to say that out loud? Did you mean to say that out loud? It just catches them totally off guard. Again, it puts a spotlight all back on them and often they typically apologize or they will say something like, I mean, I meant what I meant was and they'll trip over their words and again, they'll know I'm not gonna say that with Rob anymore.

Number three, here's another one. You just say thank you. Say thank you. It's a confidence move, Rob. When somebody gives you a backhand, a compliment, and you just, you know that it's a backhand, a compliment, you can just say, well you thank you and it's this move of saying I know what you meant you know what I meant but I'm just gonna choose to take the high road that you're not

gonna hurt my confidence in some way so you just say thank you and you're gonna want me the one that contains all love and keeps all of the control when it comes to those situations so you're not gonna be left the victim of that anymore. All right, and if they keep doing it, just you tell them to call me. That's what we'll do. But yeah, follow those three steps, Rob, and you're gonna be in a good place, brother.

Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast. If you enjoyed this podcast, I'm gonna ask you to follow it. And if you would, please leave a review, leave a star. Any way to support it really makes a difference for me. Today we learned that if you want to accept a review, leave a star, any way to support it really makes a difference for me. Today we learned that if you want to accept a compliment you need to not throw it away. Don't discard it with your hand. You need to put your hand on your chest and accept it and say things like, I appreciate

that, thank you so much, it means a lot to me, that makes me feel good. You're not going to dismiss it, deflect it, or be self-critical of yourself. If you want to give a compliment, number two two We learned that you're going to be specific be observant and make sure that you don't compare yourself Between you and the other person and number three when it comes to backhanded compliments Like I said to Rob you want to make sure that you are the one that stays in control So you can just say thank you and make it a control that you're the one with all the confidence or you give it about make it a control that you're the one with all the confidence or you give it about five seven seconds and say did you mean to say that out loud and that's the way you're going to handle a backhanded compliment and as always you can try

that and follow me