The Jefferson Fisher Podcast - How to Handle Liars

Episode Date: October 29, 2024

Ever had that nagging feeling that someone isn’t being honest with you? It’s frustrating when you know something’s off, but you’re not sure how to address it. Especially without things getting messy. Here’s the good news: You don’t have to call someone out directly to get closer to the truth. In this episode, I’m breaking down 3 subtle ways to handle conversations when someone isn’t telling the whole story. These 3 strategies will help you keep your cool, let the other person’s honesty (or lack of it) reveal itself, and avoid getting tangled up in their story. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Pre-order my new book, The Next Conversation, today! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Somebody just told you something but you know it's a lie. If you call it out, well, it's just gonna be worse They're gonna double down on it. But if you leave it alone, well that can be just as bad on today's episode It's all about how to respond to a liar Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation The one that changes everything if you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication I'm gonna ask you to follow this podcast and if you would, please leave a review. I want to let you know that my new book, The Next Conversation, is officially out on pre-order

and I'll have the links for it in the notes. And as always, if you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments and I'll be reading them. When somebody tells you something that you know to be a lie, number one, take a pause and say, I need to come back to this conversation. I need to come back to this conversation. If they're telling you the truth, no problem. They're gonna say, okay, take your time. But if they're not telling the truth, oh they're not gonna like it.

Because it's telling them that you're not buying it. They're gonna have this big overt reaction and say things like, well what do you think happened? Or, well you think I'm lying? They're gonna try to big overt reaction and say things like what what do you think happened or what you think I'm lying? They're gonna try and reconstruct the narrative while you're talking number two. You can also say something feels off But something feels off And they're telling the truth. They're not gonna have any problem with it They're gonna try and work through it and say well what what feels off? Let's talk. Let's talk about it But if they're not oh or they're gonna just spiral, they're going to try and actually gaslight you

and challenge your sense of reality and say things like, you are literally insane right now, or do you know what you even sound like? You're crazy. Number three, you can say nothing at all. 10 to 15 seconds of silence. And in that silence, liars actually start to talk to themselves.

They'll start to talk to themselves. They'll start to say things like, what are you worried about? That's not even me. You know, why would I even say something that's not the truth? And they'll start to just falter and flip and get really defensive. And that's your side that you're dealing with a liar. Now I want to make sure and tell you that this is not a one size fits all. There are personalities, people who may be neurodivergent or people who are more prone to over explaining things or

needing to elaborate on things that make them sound like they may not be telling the truth or that they may be lying or they're trying to construct things in a certain way. That's not the indicator. I don't want you to think that people who have to talk a lot necessarily are lying to you. The key, the indicator. I don't want you to think that people who have to talk a lot necessarily are lying to you. The key, the indicator that I like to see or that I look for is a big overreaction. We might be talking at a level 3 and as soon as I may try to challenge a little bit of the fact to say that doesn't seem to match up to me something feels off They go all the way to the 12 where all of a sudden they are highly defensive. They are on the attack They're starting to say things that are ugly

They're starting to challenge in a way that it is Not meshing with the level of a three that we were previously talking at So when you see this big high andreaction followed by major defensiveness, that's your indication that I need to trust my gut here. I need to listen to myself, not just what they're saying, but really what my sense is because every one of us, you and I and everybody have a sixth sense about us.

When we can tell somebody is not telling the truth, somebody is not being entirely genuine. So I don't want you to think that just because they're elaborating or over explaining they're trying to pull one over on you. Everybody has different ways and you're gonna know based upon the personality and specifically what you're talking about. Maybe you're talking about something in a relationship. Maybe some kind of fact that you know to be true and they're trying to push you another way. Just be careful about it and understand that one size does not fit all. One thing about liars is that they don't like delay. Whenever you add distance between what they said and when you believe or don't believe what they said, they just twist in the wind. They hate

it because it tells them that you are not taking the bait. They want that immediate reaction. They want you to just continue to go along as if everything they said is fine. They want to be a smooth liar. They want everything to be just fine for you to take their story. But the more suspicious you are, the more they will push back at you. Understand that those who tell the truth, they really have no problem with it.

You take all the time you need. I know my truth is my truth. So let's put it in an innocent example. Let's say you asked me, you said, "'Jefferson, what did you eat for breakfast this morning?' And I said, "'Oh, meal.'" And they go, "'I don't know about that. Are you lying to me?'

Say, "'No.'" And the more defensive they got, the less't I don't I don't know about that. Are you lying to me? Say no and the more defensive they got The less I'm gonna get upset about it because I know I'm telling the truth I know I what I ate you need to take a break from the conversation You need to think about something something feels off to you. Okay, let's talk about it Why does it feel off, but I know what I did. I don't have to hide anything But if I'm telling a lie Well, then I'm gonna get more defensive that you're not buying it. So often when people are delaying that conversation the more liars are gonna twist off. Just be

prepared for that. Well I like to start off with number one of this is something that I need to come back to. When you say I need to come back to this conversation or I need to think about this, it's delaying it. You're saying, okay, I hear you. I need to do some thought on my own, process this and then come back. In other words, I need to do some research. Liars don't like you to do research.

They want you to just buy exactly what they said. So understand that that is something that is gonna be part of that package when you say, I need some time to think about this. And it also empowers you to say, look, I know what I heard, but I also know what I know. I know my facts. So I'm going to take some time with this and I'm going to think things out. That's the way to respond in those situations.

Another reason that I like number two, and that is something feels off that is really easy. For you to just say something feels off they're gonna say what's what's wrong you know something something feels off people who are telling truth have no problem talking with you through it okay just let's let's talk about it what what feels off let's talk people who are liars don't want to talk they don't want to talk they just want you to believe they want you to take it hook line and sinker so they will have this big reaction don't be to talk they just want you to believe they want you to take it hook line and sinker So they will have this big reaction Don't be afraid and when if in that moment they try to

What they call gaslight you or try to say that you're attack your character. They attack you personally say you're crazy We're insane. Do you know how literally insane you sound right now? Don't take that kind of bait. That's all it is, it's just bait. They're gonna try and get a rise out of you because the more upset that these people can make you, people with toxic traits or narcissistic tendencies, they're trying to get a rise out of you to get you more upset.

And now you're fighting about the lie and you know what they're gonna do? They're gonna keep going, keep going, all the way to a level 12 and then they'll flip on you. They'll flip and say, I don't know why you're always attacking me. You know, you never believe me. You remember what you did four months ago?

Something that they bring up the past and all of a sudden they're pointing out that they're the victim and you're the one that's the attacker or the offender, just not believing them and never understanding them and you don't really get them. And now all of a sudden you feel like you're in a position where they're wanting some kind of apology

and this is just another instance. Stay away from that. Listen to me, stay away from that. When you add silence and add delay, even 10, 15 seconds of silence makes a huge difference when it comes to handling somebody who's a liar because if you were to say, if you were to point out right away that's a lie, you're a liar. You think they're gonna go, yep you're right, thing you got me. No you're so good you got me. Absolutely not. They're gonna say what? No

I'm not. No I'm not. I'm a liar. Oh yeah me? What about you? And all of a sudden it's just gonna get worse. They'll double down on it and you're gonna have to peel back layer upon layer. But if you just get the silence, they will have that conversation for you. They will have the conversation in their head that oh my gosh, they're not buying. Okay, I need to, I need to tweak. I need to pivot. I need to say something else. Or I need to a little bit more reveal the truth without you having to say a thing. Now that that is true control. I'm going to share a story real

quick with you. When I was probably about three years ago, I had a case and often in car wrecks, a major issue is texting while driving as you can imagine. Now people don't like admitting that they're texting while driving. Everybody does it and it's terrible. It's a major, major cause of commercial and personal auto case accidents. So a part of the question generally in a deposition is whether somebody was texting. Well, I was talking to this guy, taking his deposition. He was on the other side of me and I asked him,

I said, were you texting while driving? Automatically said no, no, I never text while I drive. Problem number one, he just said I never. Never is an absolute. So if you're going to use an absolute, if you're going to say never, it better be never. So first thing he said was I never text while I drive.

Here's the thing. I already had his cell phone records. I had all of his mobile records. You don't know what people are texting. You just can see the transmission of when they send a text when it was received. I already had all that because his attorney gave it to me, it's part of the trial.

So I already know I have that, but I don't bring it up right away. Instead, I just give about 10 seconds of nothing. 10 seconds of nothing. And I just kinda looked around the room, looked at him for a second and in that moment within not even ten seconds, he said well, I mean I You know, I sometimes I do but most most of the time I don't right there

Okay, he just what they call him Texas crawfish in the south meanings you're backing up. You're backing up what you just said You're actually going back on it saying well I mean he went from I always or I never to which is an absolute to well I mean I sometimes do but I wasn't doing it right then all I did was repeat his lie I just repeated it I said you never text while you drive. All of a sudden he started like well I mean I mean I mean sometimes I do sometimes I do and I gave it a little bit more time and then I followed it up with you were texting your co-worker that day weren't you? At that point he was so far off the ledge that you're inviting him to come back

and at that point he was just kind of relieved He's like, yeah, I I think I think I was yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that I was and that at that point I just tweak a little bit more you were it's not a you think you were you were Yes, I was boom right then. I don't have to call him out as a liar I don't have to have this big ordeal. I don't have to try and hurt his credibility in a harmful way I can still be respectful and give him just a chance to walk off the plank often just giving that a moment of silence And letting them hear their thoughts and saying nobody in this room is believing this right now They understand that all their feet The floor underneath them the carpet underneath them just got pulled

They have nothing else to stand on and they'll go back to safety because they know that their lie is not being taken. Now we're at the point of the podcast where I get to read a question from a follower. If you're not already part of my newsletter, I send a communication tip once a week right to your inbox where you can ask me questions and I get to respond to it. It's a lot of fun for me. And I always pull one so I can talk about it in the podcast.

This one is from April. April is in Nashville, Tennessee. Jefferson, I love your stuff so much. Thank you, April. I have an issue whenever I'm trying to explain something, sometimes I try to, I am elaborating too much where I'm trying to over explain, but some people feel like I am telling a lie

when I'm really not. I'm just trying to clarify. Can you help give me some guidance there? April, you're not the only one, all right? That's the first thing is you're not the only one. There are a lot of people who feel like they just need to get it all out. They just need to get it all out.

But sometimes the more that you say, the more it looks like you're trying to hide the truth. Let me tell you the difference, all right? It's when you're getting to the point. Often, if I were gonna ask you a question that is generally a yes or no question, or something that is a very clear fact, like what time did you get home last night?

Or did you stop by the store yesterday? These are very clear things. Is it a yes or a no? Do you have a time or do you not have a time? Often people look like they're lying when they don't say that yes or no or that fact right out of the gate instead They leave it for the very end So if I were gonna ask you and you go to the store yesterday, which is a yes or no, they'll go Well, I mean, it's it well

I I mean and they'll start talking about well first I went here and then I went there and they lay out this time line. There are a lot of people who they will have to say a timeline first like, well, I went here, then you said that, and then I did this and they need to construct it in a certain way to get it all out. There's nothing wrong with that. You just have to be careful to make sure that there, when somebody's giving you that timeframe, they're not reconstructing it in a way that does not match what you know of the facts.

But what causes the problem, April, is when you wait to the very end to say that yes or a no. If I ask you what time it is, and you start talking about something else, and at the whole point I'm thinking Why aren't you answering my question? Why don't you answer my question? You're just trying to explain what I hear is you're trying to delay and you're trying to hide What can eliminate that is when you give the the answer your point right out of the gate and then say Can I explain?

Period. Did you go to the store yesterday? Yes I did. Can I share with you something else? Alright? That's gonna give you a whole lot more room to say I like to, I need to get some stuff off my chest. Or there's sometimes a question isn't a yes or a no. Lots of times my clients get in a deposition, they get asked questions and what I train them on is some questions aren't a yes or yes or no they're not black and white but attorneys sometimes will try and corner them and some people try to corner you into certain conversations instead you just answer with that's not a yes or no question for me that question can't be answered in a yes or no that's what I teach them I can't

answer that question in a yes or no can I explain or I'm happy to explain I'm happy to share some more on it. So I don't want you to feel pressured that just because you need to explain things it means that you're not telling the truth. That's not what that means. All that means is you just need to rearrange the structure of your sentences. Give the point at the very beginning then explain rather than first thing out of your mouth is let me explain.

As soon as you say that first without giving the point, so if I ask you a question and you say, let me explain, people go, oh great, you're not gonna give me the answer, you're hiding the answer, you're delaying the answer, and it makes you look more like you're not telling the truth. So what I would encourage you to do is try to say the yes or no, the answer, direct answer up front, and then follow up with an explanation that supports that answer, not the other way around.

Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, I'm going to ask you to follow it, and if you would, just leave a review. Today, we learned that when you're dealing with a liar, one of the best things to say is, I need to come back to this conversation. Number one, I need to come back to this conversation. Number one, I need to come back to this conversation. Number two, you can say something like that sounds off or that feels off. Anything that says this doesn't feel like the norm, something doesn't feel right about this. And number three, if you need to

just say nothing at all. Silence is often the best tool for liars to spin out of control and reveal that they weren't telling you the truth. And as always you can try that and follow me.