The Jefferson Fisher Podcast - How to Respond to Gaslighting

Episode Date: November 5, 2024

Ever been in an argument where someone twists your words, denies things that happened, or makes you doubt your own reality? Gaslighting can be one of the most frustrating and confusing behaviors to deal with. It leaves you questioning your memory, feeling blamed, and wondering if you’re the problem. But here’s the good news: you don’t have to play by their rules. In this episode, I’m sharing 3 strategies to take back control when dealing with gaslighters. These aren’t just words. They’re practical tools to keep you calm, grounded, and in control when someone tries to distort the truth. If you’re ready to handle gaslighting with confidence, this episode will show you how. This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. Visit cozyearth.com/jefferson and use my exclusive 40% off code JEFFERSON to give the gift of luxury this holiday season. If you get a post purchase survey, say that you heard about Cozy Earth from The Jefferson Fisher Podcast! Pre-order my new book, The Next Conversation, today!  Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show!  Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter.  Watch my podcast on YouTube  Follow me on Instagram  Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It makes you question your thoughts. It makes you question your reality. And the more you get put in this position, the less in control that you feel. In today's episode, it's all about how to respond to a gas lighter. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast.

And if you would please like it, give it a star or leave a review as always if you have any topic suggestions just throw them in the comments I also want to let you know that my new book the next conversation is officially out for pre-order and the links are in the show notes the next time that someone tries to gaslight you here's what I want you to do number one if they say I didn't say that instead of chasing it and saying yes you did or's what I want you to do. Number one, if they say, I didn't say that, instead of chasing it and saying, yes you did, or then what did I say? Which allows them to manipulate the narrative. You're going to slowly respond, that's what I heard. That's what I heard. It doesn't allow them to flip any message and it keeps you in a position of strength. Number two,

if they try to personally attack you and say things like you're crazy, you need help, you're going to calmly respond, I need someone who's helpful. I need someone who's helpful. What you're doing is saying you're not the person that I need in this conversation and you're not being part of the solution and that's where I'm going. Number three, if they say something like, you're imagining things, you're going to say from a position of strength and assertiveness, I do not imagine facts. Here's where you can get almost a little bit indignant,

I do not imagine facts. What you're saying is, I know exactly what happened, I know what my facts are, and I'm not coming away from it. And before I continue, I wanna make sure that I give this disclaimer, all right? I'm not a psychologist, I'm not coming away from it and before I continue I want to make sure that I give this disclaimer alright I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a therapist if you have Legitimate questions about gaslighting feel free to ask them I'm gonna tell you what I know it to be and what I've interacted with in my line of work in the legal field

Gaslighting is a term that can be thrown around way too easily Okay, it's it seems to be a very easy replacement for somebody who just simply disagrees with you that you don't really like. That's not it. So be careful with that term. Gaslighting is a much more serious issue and the goal of it is to make you question your reality, to make you question who you are and how you make judgments and decisions about things. And a very simple example, let's say you and I are sitting across from each other and I start tapping my pen and then I stop. I start tapping my pen again, you go, I need you to stop.

I go, what are you talking about? You were tapping your pen. I say, no, I'm not. No, I wasn't. I've never been tapping my pen and I tap it a little bit later. And again, I denied, I said, you're just making things up. You're imagining things.

Over time, that's a very elementary example, but in a bigger scheme of things, things happen that somebody is seeing and you're noticing, but they deny it. Deny that anything happened and they start to make you feel bad about yourself, that you're wrong in your decision-making, wrong in your memory.

And then that you're just a person who feels very unsure about who they are in their reality and make you question everything, make you question the veracity, the truthfulness of things and it's a way to manipulate you to form control. If people, if I were to say to you, everybody thinks you're crazy. And I hate to tell you this, but like all your friends, they hate you. Like nobody likes, nobody likes you. And I do that from a position of I'm the only one

I can tell you this I'm the one that really cares about you when really all I'm doing is isolating you Gaslighting is meant to question your reality So anytime you get into an argument where you're you're thinking I know I know this I know that that's not what happened But this other person is totally denying it It's a way of lying but it's even more serious in that they're forming the lie to twist it to paint a picture of what they want you to see versus what the truth actually reveals. All right so that's the difference and it's one of the most corrosive things I think can happen in an argument. So in my line of work, I often see people who attempt to gaslight in

depositions under cross-examination because it's a very high stress high conflict environment where I'm asking them questions and Often when somebody is caught in a lie or caught in a situation where it's not putting them in the best light The very the most cunning the the best the best light. The very, the most cunning, the the best liars will attempt to gaslight the situation and this is what it sounds like. They will go, okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, let's go back. That's a key phrase right there. Let's go back. And they want to go to the very beginning of the timeline to them. And they want to go, okay, this said this and he said this and she said this. and they want to construct the narrative totally on their own It's like they're rewriting history where I have the facts

I have the records but yet they are starting to just lie and you can tell they just drop little lies over time To where at the end result they expect that the only answer I could possibly have is that they're the one that is The most righteous they're the one that is the most righteous. They're the one that is the most justified that everything they've done is rational and reasonable when really They are just digging a hole and asking me to fill it. This is what I mean often gaslighting is the way I picture it is they dig holes and Then kind of trick you entice you into filling it. So they'll say some kind of lie and then you get really defensive and go,

that's not what happened. No, no. And they go, okay, what happened? And they're asking you to fill, just pick up a shovel and put the hole back in it. And then they go to another lie and you go, no, that's not, no, what are you talking about? And you pick up your shovel and you start filling another hole. So all they do is just go around where you're losing control like a cat and a laser pointer that they're holding the laser pointer all over the wall in the

different areas of the room and you're the cat just chasing it from point to point to point not seeing that it's all about control it's all about control. It's all about control. The more focused you are on constructing your own bridge, the more they're making yours fall apart without you even seeing it. So the key overarching message when it comes to gaslighting behavior is the less you say, the less they can control, the less they can do with it. That's why for them bringing up the past is really just their playground because they can construct the history of it in a way that puts them in the best spot and you at the most disadvantage. And so whenever you feel like I'm just I feel like I'm just

chasing accuracy over miscommunication over inaccuracy and inaccuracy, it's gaslighting manipulative behavior. Some of the biggest things to watch out for is talking about the past. And I can't tell you enough, when you get in those situations, you need to say less. You have very short sentences because it gives them less to play with. That's why when I give you these little phrases to use, they're not big explanations. They're short. That's what I heard. That's what I heard. I cannot imagine facts. Little things that once you say them, they can't really do anything with them. And your response

when they go and they get all frustrated is just you repeat them. You say them again and they really can't do anything and they'll get frustrated. They'll leave, they'll change a subject, but just understand that's what it is. It's manipulative behavior to have you under their control and that's something I will not allow. We're now at my favorite part of the podcast and that's where I get to read a question from a follower. Those that are part of my newsletter are able to ask me questions and I'm able to answer question from a follower those that are part of my newsletter are able to ask me questions And I'm able to answer them so if you're not part of that newsletter

I highly encourage you to do so and ask me a question alright I am honored to say that this segment is sponsored by a company called cozy earth And the reason why I said yes to cozy earth as one of the first sponsors of this podcast is because I actually use their stuff. I use the products. Their sheets are on my bed right now. I am a terribly hot sleeper. I just radiate heat I feel like. And their sheets are the coolest that I found. They feel amazing and I highly recommend them. My wife also loves their pajamas and when they asked a sponsor she was like yes absolutely. So I love their sweatshirts. They're just a cool company and I'm My wife also loves their pajamas and when they asked the sponsor she was like, yes, absolutely So I I love their sweatshirts. They're just a cool company and I'm honored to have them sponsor So if you're looking for something just

Loungewear and you like feeling cozy and warm during this upcoming holiday season. I encourage you to check out cozy earth You can go to cozy earth comm slash Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off That's cozy earth comm slash Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. That's CozyEarth.com slash Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. My name is officially a code and that's pretty cool. Today's follower question comes from Eric. Eric is in Canada. It looks like Quebec. And he says, hey Jefferson, thank you so much for your content.

I have an issue with gaslighting. My partner and I will get into an argument and I know when she's gaslighting me the issue is I run out of things to say. She gets very upset almost in a rage mode and I'm not sure what to do. Are there any phrases I can use to get back to safety?" Eric I'm sorry about that situation man. That's really, that's not fun and that's very difficult. So I just hope that you're being safe with everything. Here's what I'm gonna recommend to you. When you say, I run out of things to say, Eric, that's not the issue.

The issue is you need to stick with what you've already said. Stick with what you've already said. Don't try and find new ways to come up with new phrases. Stick with what you've already said because the trick is that the partner is probably wanting you to leave what you've said to go off And chase what they're laying out don't do that So here's here's a phrase that I use all the time and I know it's gonna work for you

It is I understand you disagree with me. I Understand you disagree with me. So say you're in a bad argument, she begins to gaslight you, and you can easily respond with the phrase, I understand you disagree with me. Period. Don't keep on talking, don't give more, don't change the topic, don't change the subject. If she goes back again to try and question the truth of what you're saying or questioning your reality and you feel like you're trying to lose control in some way just go back to I understand you disagree with me or I also like the phrase I see things differently or I remember things differently she might try to lay out something that is very different and fix the narrative to to fit her needs and you just go back to we remember things differently we remember things differently period you see how I'm not saying to continue talking to come up with some

Structure of a sentence to say you go want to go one two three with how you want to structure a response That's not it. That's not one of these that's not this podcast That's not this episode what I'm saying is you just need to stick with the phrase you've already given Eric So it is I understand you disagree with me, period. Or it's okay that you disagree with me. Or we remember things differently. I remember things differently. Stick with those phrases and use them as often as you need to.

Keep repeating them because there is strength in the fact that you are not leaving what you've already said, but she is. You see? You see the difference? The distinction there? So it's not about trying to find new things to say, it is about sticking with what you've already said. Alright, because you don't imagine facts, Eric. Okay, I have time for one more and I want to make sure that I knock this one out. This follower comes from Northern Carolina. Northern Carolina. Northern California, Northern California, and it's Bree. Bree says, hey Jefferson, sometimes I'm going to argue it with my partner and

I am not trying to gaslight but he accuses me of it, says that I'm trying to gaslight him but I'm really not, I'm just disagreeing. How do I combat that? I understand what you're saying, Bree, and I don't think you're in a relationship with Eric as far as I can tell. Anytime that you're in a conversation, you get into an argument and somebody says, you're gaslighting me. You're gaslighting me. Understand they may be using that in a way that is not correct. They just heard that phrase and they're using it inappropriately. Don't get into a situation of, I'm not gaslighting you and having that because it's just going to

confirm what they've already said. You just need to let that go. Instead, encourage them to talk more. Hear me? Say, I'm listening. Gaslighters don't say that. Gaslighters don't say, I'm here to listen. I'm here to be helpful. I want to hear what you have to say. Help me understand. You see the difference? Instead of you trying to push your narrative and say, no, no, no, this is what happened. And they say, no, this is what happened. And now it's just a clash of opinions. It's a clash of who remembers it the most accurately. Instead, you need to come at it from the aspect of help me understand what you remember. Or what did you hear when this happened? Instead of saying, I didn't say that, it's, well, what did you hear?

So when you come from it, from that opposite way that you're trying to be a student, trying to be a learner in that conversation, help me understand this a little bit better. I'd like to know more about what happened in this moment or what you were thinking during that time. Anytime you're saying it from a position of a learner, that's absolutely not gaslighting. I would encourage you not to get into the hazy zone of saying who's gaslighting, who's not. Just drop that. Drop that. Instead, it just comes from a position of, what did you hear when this happened? All right, well my experience is different. My experience was different. This is what I remember. Or I remembered things differently, just like we talked about with

Eric. It's okay that we remembered things differently. What did you hear? When you're coming at it from the back end, rather than trying to push all your control into it, you're going at it the right way. So that's what I would encourage you to do, Bree. And I hope you're well up in beautiful Northern Carolina, Northern California. Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast.

If you enjoyed today's episode, I'm going to ask you to please like it, leave it a star or leave it a review. If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments. I'm reading them. They really make a difference. What we learned today is about gaslighting, what it is and what it isn't. When you get stuck in that moment where you feel like you're out of control and they are

giving you phrases that try to question your reality. You're going to say less. You're going to say we see things differently or it's okay that you disagree with me or I don't imagine facts or that's not what I heard. When you say less you're going to be the one that keeps control and that's how you respond to gaslight. And as always you can try that and follow me.