The Jefferson Fisher Podcast - How to Respond to Unsolicited Advice

Episode Date: June 30, 2026

Some conversations test your patience. Others test your character. In this call-in episode, I answer your questions about staying calm when emotions run high, setting boundaries with the people you love, handling conflict with confidence, and responding without losing yourself. We talk about shifting your mindset from "what if" to "even if," what to do when someone refuses your advice, how to prepare for difficult legal conversations, and simple responses that help you stay grounded when you're faced with criticism or unsolicited advice. Leave me a voicemail to be featured on the show! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/ask-jefferson  Join me on Supercast for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and AMAs: https://jefferson.supercast.com/ Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Thank you to our sponsors: Tiny Health: Go to https://tinyhealth.com/jefferson for $50 off your first at-home test kit. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show!  Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter.  Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube  Follow me on Instagram  Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to another episode of the Jefferson Fisher podcast. Today, I took more questions from the community. We turned your what ifs into even ifs, how to elevate your mindset. What do you do when somebody is going against your advice, somebody that you love very much, and yet they're choosing to do what you don't want them to do? How do you handle that? How do you show up in legal proceedings with confidence and control? And lastly, how do you handle unsolicited advice? You ready? Let's get into it. Hey, Depperson, this is Vera from New Jersey. I have a situation where some people will constantly tell me what to do. You should do this. You should do it that way. Oh, I would have done this.

And I never know how to respond. So my question to you is, how do I respond when people give me unsolicited advice? I have tried saying, I've got it. It's covered. But it seems like those don't really work. So thank you for taking my call. and I appreciate all the work you do. What do you do when somebody gives you unsolicited advice?

Vera, great question. Here's some things that come to mind. Number one, just a thank you. Simple thank you. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you for letting me know. That's a quick way to go,

whenever you have that very quick gratitude check in, not only because it allows you to cut it off, it also says maybe they did really mean it in a genuine, true, helpful sense. maybe they also did it patronizingly, if that's a word, to be put you down in some way or backhanded in some way. But if you just say, thank you, that seems to just cut it off right there. Number two, the one that I love, all right, Vera, is, yep, maybe so.

Maybe so. I love maybe so. because it's a way of saying, well, maybe that's true. Maybe it's not. Who knows? So when somebody gives you advice and says, you know, you should try and do this. My preference is to go, yeah, maybe so. I hear this from my mom sometimes or mother-in-law or my grandparents.

You're just my grandfather. You know, you should be off doing, you should do this and this and this. And I'll say, yeah, no, maybe so. There's a question into Evira of what's the heart of the person who's telling you this? Is it because they care? If it's because they care, then it's not something that we're going to have a very harsh response of and go, you know, well, how about you just, you know, mind your own business. That's not going to work for people who truly their interest is good.

It's genuine. They care. Mom would I would say, I worry because I care. I care because I love. you know, that has a lot of truth to it. I would also say, how often are you around these people? Yeah, it's if people are always giving you advice and unsolicited advice, and they say you wouldn't take criticism from the person you wouldn't ask advice from.

It's kind of like that. The next thing I would push towards is if you really want to have a statement rather than saying, I got it, say, I'll think about it. Yeah, I'll think about it. That allows you to say, yeah, I'm, I get to decide. I get to choose that. Yeah, I'll, I'll, um, I'll think about it. Or this is a similar phrase, you could say, yeah, I'll spend some time with it. Yeah, I'll, I'll decide. I'll think about it. I'll decide. I'll make a decision. As long as you have it as an I statement, you say, you saying, yep, this is where you stop and I begin. And when you say, I'll, I'll think on it. I'll decide on this. That allows you to make sure that you know that just because they said it doesn't

absolutely mean it's going to be taken. So it's this multi-tier approach, thinking of what's the heart and character of the person who's asking? Is it truly out of genuine care? Or do you think it's some kind of backstabbing in some way. If you know them to be caring for that, we don't want to shut down and be hurt the relationship. At the same time, you want to let them know, I got it. So that's why I like, thank you. Maybe so, or I'll think about it. Great question. Hey, Jefferson. My name is Lance. I'm over here in New Jersey. My question is, how do you answer questions from people that are designed to trap you, either intentionally or unintentionally? A common example is, in social situations when someone asks a question like, hey, what are you doing Saturday night?

And when you're faced with that type of question and it induces a pretty massive cognitive load because what if I don't want to spend a Saturday night out or what if I don't want to spend it with this person or what if I don't like the idea that they have is after I reveal my availability. And once I do reveal my availability, you know, it's something that if I don't want to participate in, then I had to face the discomfort of having to say no to them and their idea. When I realize how uncomfortable this question is for people, I always reveal my idea first. So, for example, I'll say, hey, a couple of us are getting together for dinner, Saturday at 7 o'clock at ABC restaurant on Main Street.

We love it if you could join. And I noticed by phrasing it that way, that gives them a comfortable way to accept or decline, but I haven't found a way or figured out a way to answer the trap question when it's presented to me. And on a funniest side in the Groundhog Day movie, there's a scene where Ned asks Phil, what are you doing for dinner tonight? And Phil answers something else and he just walks away. And while hilarious, that isn't a practical solution in real life. So yeah, that's my question. How do you answer questions that are designed to trap you? Love to hear your thoughts and I love the show and I do follow you. Thanks so much. Thanks for following, man. Man, this is, here's what I want you to see, okay?

Because when you said questions that are trained to trap you, immediately my brain went into attorney mode of like, oh, we're talking about some corner you questions. And then you pulled the question of, what are you doing on Saturday? My man, that's not a trap question. The only trap that's being laid is the trap that you're putting right there. Because what you told me is you heard that question and your mind went 50 miles down the road. And I first want to validate that feeling of, yeah, I think a lot of people hear that kind of question and immediately I can hear it in your voice, like that amount of anxiety. Okay, well, hold up. If I say this, then I may not be able to do that because I really want to do plans with this person.

If they invite me to something, then we have to tell them no, and I don't want to disappoint them and upset them. And it's all a trap in your mind. All right. Those are not trap questions. Those are invitations. And those are questions that somebody is genuinely interested in what's happening in your Saturday. Maybe they invite you to something. Maybe they're just making small talk.

Either way, I know that does not take away from the feeling of the immediate grip of anxiety. So I want to, knowing what you're asking now, let's turn that. What are you doing that moment? Somebody says, hey, what are you doing? What are you doing Saturday? And right before you go, oh, my gosh, what am I doing? Well, I do have plans, but if I answer them, are they going to want to interrupt the plans? Are they going to want to invite themselves?

What's going to happen in that moment? instead of that, it's okay to say, I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Use, it's just a simple technique of saying, I have not solidified anything yet. Maybe you are roughly sure. Maybe it might feel better for you to put a percentage on it. Say, I don't know, I maybe have 20% of my plans made. I'm not really sure yet. but if you are doing something on Saturday, I need you to say it with a sense of excitement. It says, yeah, I've made some plans to go out on a hike with two friends of mine. I'm really looking forward to it. That's it.

Be just simple straight to the point. It doesn't mean that simply because they ask your Saturday, what are you going to do a Saturday? They're trying to mess up your plans. That's projecting things that they didn't say. So I want you to be very aware of what they said and what they have not said and who's voice said what? Because what you're telling me is they gave 20% of the question and you filled in 80% of the response into your brain. And so often that will, that's that 80% is where bad things happen. And that's where we kind of start to spiral in it and get into our head. That being said,

I know for a lot of people that's super nerve-wracking of what you're going to do. So what are some methods we said one I delayed it so I said I'm not sure don't know yet at a percentage to say i don't know i got 50% of my plans nailed down not really sure so delay as a certain tactic number two it feels better to you just mirror it right back so maybe you delay it's about i'm still figuring i'm still figuring it out what about you just quickly them make right back on them and see how they respond. You're going to get really, you will know very quickly,

was this somebody trying to invite themselves in? Or were they just trying to be polite in making small talk? Here's the, I want to give you number three, and that is if it's a truly a trap question, you feel like there's no good answer, you always have the answer of saying, that's not a question I can,

that's not an easy question, I can answer right away. So when I train witnesses for a deposition, for somebody else that's going to be asking them on cross-examination, so it's my client, is to say, don't let them frame the question for you, right? In other words, it's okay to say, I don't know, and it's okay to say, you know, it's a, it's a more complicated question than that. That's, it's going to require a much more complicated answer. To be able to reframe and kind of define, that's, that's a question. I don't know yet. That's not a question I can answer right away. There's more to it. It's not a question that I can answer with this yes or no. So that's going more into the weeds. Your question was

something as simple as somebody asked, how is your Saturday? I know it feels nerve-wracking. What you told me is a lot of that's internal. So I want you to take a breath, come outside of it, So what is this person trying to, what are the words that came out of their mouth? And what are they wanting to know? Without adding any assumption to it? Without adding any filter that you're putting onto? What's the story that you're telling yourself? None of that.

Answer that question. If you feel it like answering that question. If you don't, it is totally okay to delay it. Figure out what plans you have, not really sure. Or if you're excited and it's solidified, tell them. These are the things that you're going to do and don't apologize for it. And three, if you need to, be willing to just reflect it back on them as kind of a buffer to make sure that what you think they're asking for is exactly what they're asking for rather than trying to get it all in your head. Cool.

So glad that you follow the show, man. Thanks for the question. Hi, Jefferson. This is Leach from Ohio. So thankful I found you. I have a question. My adopted siblings, oldest adopted siblings, I've had to take to court not once but twice to get a no-contact order. I am foolish to think that when this is at an end, that the harassment will end.

I'm working on myself. I am in a narcissistic abuse recovery, and my question is, what is your advice to me to prepare myself for when this next no-contact order is? Lisa, you went about this a way that surprised me. Typically, I might get a question about what should I say. You asked a different question. You said, how can I best prepare myself? What that tells me is you're doing work. And that makes sense, given that you're a narcissistic abuse recovery

and that has therapy and that has training and that has modules. And what you're saying is, hey, how can I prepare me. How can I control me? Which is a great question. Here's what comes to mind. Number one, I want you to think of your present condition, your present environment, not in the terms of what am I doing right now. I want you to forecast it in, picture your 20, 10, 30 years, self out from now. So think way out in the future, and say, how would that person talk about my present? Well, if you could, at least if you could talk to Lisa 10 years from now, what would she say to you? Would she be kind?

Would she be gracious? Would she say how proud she is of you? What she say is going to get worse before it gets better, but there is going to be a better. Would she say, just hold on, you're doing so, you're doing so good, you're staying so strong? that you need that voice right now so i want you to access what your future self would be to you because always the future self is always going to be much more kind and say i'm being you're really really going through it so go easy on yourself number two this calls to question what kind of community are you in if you're in recovery from narcissistic abuse you are not alone you are not alone i think that all the

more highlights the reason why you need to fill your cup up with other people who are going through this type of recovery because it is in the shared stories and strengths where you're going to grow, find safety, find security to be able to process a lot of your paths. Same reason why people who go through are addiction have recovery programs. It's the same type of thing where you are finding like-minded people who have gone through certain things where you're getting to share in that because if you are dealing with this individual that's going to run your cup dry really quickly but by having community and talking to other people it's going to fill your cup so Lisa I just want to make sure that your cup is is full and that

you're making sure that you're surrounding yourself with people who are going to to build you up three the last thing that comes to mind is you say how can I prepare myself is this idea of of instead of what if, you flip it to even if. Instead of this, what if this happens? What if that happens? What if they do this? What they do that? That is a position of weakness.

That's a position that is less than that says, I can't handle it. I want you to flip it instead of what if, I want you to turn it to even if. Even if this happens, I'm okay. even if this or that or the worst of it happens, I'm going to still be here and I'm still going to keep going and morning's going to come

and it's going to be all right and I'm going to work through it. So when you're able to go from what if to even if you're going to a position of strength and confidence and control and that's going to feel a lot better. So none of the what if he or she breaks this order it's even if they do or even when they do. This is what I know to be true. Thanks for the call, Lisa.

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Hello. My name is Amanda, and I'm calling because I have an issue with my husband. He drinks and does drugs on the weekends, and he thinks that it's okay because he only does it on the weekends, but occasionally he has been doing it more often during the week. I have been trying to help him get assistance with that. But the point is that when he does that, he's always accusing me of hooking up with the neighbors or his friends or literally just anybody. I have been with him for 13 years and never have I ever been unfaithful

or disloyal towards him in any way. I literally go to work from home. I don't have any hobbies. I don't have any friends because my life revolves around him. And maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. Or maybe he thinks that because he does the same thing or he has done that in the past that I'm doing the same thing as him. I have tried to sit and talk to him while he's sober and try to work things out and try to explain. Like, I feel like I have to constantly be defending myself of something that I'm not doing.

So I really don't know how to go about the situation. Sometimes I just want to leave. But we have a son. And, I mean, I love him and I care for him. And I wish we could work on our families. If you could please help me and guide me on how to work through this, I would truly appreciate it. Thank you so much.

Amanda, my heart hurts for you. because that sounds like a really hopeless situation. And I don't blame me for feeling that way. The first thing I'm going to say is what the magnitude of the situation that you're in is one that needs therapeutic intervention. I appreciate you calling me.

I do. And I'm going to give you some stuff that I think, top of my mind are going to help in a positive way. I also am not ever a replacement for real clinical advice. I have a therapist. My wife and I also have a couple's therapist because there are things that like sounds like you and your husband, y'all are going through stuff.

We've gone through stuff. We're still going through stuff. and from that here's what i i do know aside from i would love to see a conversation around going to couples therapy you said jefferson i don't think that's really going to happen here's how you might want to approach that conversation one is the goal what you said that really pulled on my heartstrings amanda was this idea of i really want to work on our family you having a son having kids certainly complicates any marriage issue because it magnifies at times a thousand and a alcohol and drug problem is not something to take lightly no matter if it's on the weekends or weekdays

or whenever it is okay that that's that's harmful right how do you bring up this conversation What did I talk about this? Goals. I need you to be able to have a conversation with him that says, I want to talk about what we both want for our family, for our son, for the two of us,

this idea of, you've got to find your North Star together. And if he too cares about your child in the marriage, in the relationship, then couples therapy, you're talking to somebody saying, we need some help. It's much better to make it a we thing,

and I'd like to see us because it was going to, I'd like to see us go and go to therapy because it's going to uplift us, it's going to make us better rather than always just pointing in him saying, you need to stop, you're the problem, you're the problem. Most likely there's a lot deeper stuff here,

because I know you were just skimming the surface, of all the other issues that are happening. So one, I do think this is something that would take clinical therapy. So I fully endorse all of that. Next is where are you going to put your boundary? I hear you saying, I love him. He's the father of my son. Also, am I doing the right thing?

There's got to have to be a boundary, and only you are going to be able to define that. What I teach is a boundary that is very simple to say. So if he is pushing a particular topic or being in a way that's harmful to you, I need you to say, I don't allow this, whatever it is. I don't allow this. If you continue this, then three, the consequence, then I'm going to need to go get help. I'm going to enforce this.

I'm going to find an attorney to start talking about drawing up papers, if need to be. Then we're going to have to look at some kind of separation. You're going to have to do something that's going to make sure that you're keeping your family safe or invite others. So this is where we're relying on a network of community and having that stability is very helpful. So if it's friends or family members that can also be in there with you because you need that brace, right? You need that support system around you, and that's where they really get to pull in and help you. Number three would be this more global thought

on what you highlighted was his deflection. So what do you do you do when your spouse deflects something? You're trying to come in saying, hey, you're doing this on the weekend, that on the weekend, to turn out and say, well, yeah, but what about you doing this and you doing that? All right. I need you to first see that that is shame and it's also insecurity.

So shame has a way of gripping and wanting to do everything but connect and hear you. Instead, it's going to, he's going to be very defensive and start blaming everything else aside from him. to me one of the biggest signs of shame is that you have a really hard time finding accountability admitting accountability taking ownership because taking ownership would in some ways feels like accepting defeat and to do so is a shameful feeling and so those are those are things you have to be able to process and say yes i did do that yes i have heard us yes i did i did break my promise so first is to see what that is okay because

what you can see that at shame and insecurity, you can kind of name it and say, I can distance myself from that and see what's going on to be able to process it objectively. The second thing I want you to be okay with is whenever it does get to go that way, stop fighting it. In other words, don't get taken into the trap of going, but when he says, well, yeah, what about you? And you're like, me that wasn't and you start trying to compare and you start trying to solve the problem that he's thrown up right he's all he's doing is trying to distract you Amanda and by following that distraction you're doing exactly what he's hoping you do and that is start talking about you to stop talking about him and that that creates a lot of problems so I need you to stop that how do you stop that

when you see it, something as simple as, this is not about me. I don't know what this is, but I know this is not about me right now. That's going to be very empowering to make sure that you know this isn't your fault, because most likely he's saying things that trying to make it your fault. And you get to say to yourself, this isn't mine. I don't know what's happening here, but I know this isn't my fault. I know this isn't mine. That's saying, hey, I'm not taking your shame. I'm giving it right back to you. That's yours. not mine, right? So those are the things I want you to keep in mind. Understand that there's two separate people, two separate paths. And in that moment, when he's trying to find other things or blame

things and make up things, you get to say, this is your shame, not mine, and I give it back to you. Thanks with Call, Amanda. Hi, Jefferson. My name is Gavin, and I'm from Sydney, Australia. I look forward to meeting you when you come out to present at the Opera House. My question is, I am due to give evidence later this in a prosecution involving an alleged assault and an apprehended violence order. I am the victim and have been required by the police, prosecutor to give oral testimony. The defendant is also my neighbour, which makes the situation more complex because the legal process is not separate from daily life. How can I give evidence in a way that is clear, calm and truthful,

without sounding defensive, emotional or rehearsed, particularly when the matter is personal, distressing and involves someone I may continue to encounter? Thanks again. This is definitely not a small thing. How do you give evidence? How do you testify and be calm, cool, collected, genuine, when knowing that's right next door to you? Like, it's right there in everyday life.

How do you separate that out? There's two things I want to accomplish with that question, Gavin. One is that I give you some tools on how to testify. Two, I want to give you some other thoughts on this idea of it living right next door to you. Literally right, your neighbor, right there. First, how do you give testimony in a way that is calm, cool, and collected? I give this tip a lot. It's your breath.

Don't hold your breath. When you're up on the stand, don't hold it. You're going to want to. I need you to breathe through it every single time. continue to do that because it's regulating yourself i do not want your heartbeat of a hundred bpm i need you to stay lower to make sure you are not flooded because once you get flooded then you get emotional and then you get in your head and everything falls apart and then all of your testimony is going to be at the will and power of whoever's questioning you and then you're reacting not responding i do not

want that to happen so how do we do that let your breath be the first word that you say so take a few seconds before you respond and that's going to help you sound more genuine because it's going to make sure what comes out is less emotional and more rational of what truly is what is the truth in that moment so your breath number two only answer the question that's asked this isn't the part for you to just get on the lecture stand the soap box and start going and fighting with everybody you don't argue with people who are asking you questions because when you get really defensive that yeah but but that's not how your attorney your counsel that's their job to ask you those questions they they're the person who will defend on your behalf you don't if you do then the jury only hears or the judge only hears that

you're trying to make excuses for things we don't want that we want them to think this person is credible this person is confident and this person says the true Another thing that I encourage witnesses, if they really feel like they need to get it out, is I will ask the witness, even in court. I'll say, you know, Mr. M. So, and so, you know, it's okay to say this. Are you, are you nervous right now? And they go, and this allows you, Gavin is go, yes, I am, I am, I've never been in this kind of situation for it. So if you hear me, this is something that is emotional. for me, but I'm going to give you every bit of what I know to be true. So it's okay to say that because really, I think the day you don't need it because it's your words that you can be carrying that truth for you. So keep straight to the point, right?

Don't be afraid to let your emotion show because that's what makes you human. And then lastly, use your breath, which is going to make sure that you stay regulated throughout that. Cool. What about this thing of it living next door to you? Holy smokes. The thing that comes in mind for me of knowing that that doesn't have to enter your personal life. You still have a home that is safe. You deserve safety. And that is your right to be safe from danger and harm. And so I want you to live within that right. I want you to be able to have confidence that you're doing nothing.

wrong. You are using the system, the method by which is offered to you to how to write wrongs. That's what it's there for. Any civil system is there to write wrongs in a civil manner. So you are using the very system that you need to be using. Otherwise, I don't want you to get in your head that what's happening at home should intimidate or influence what you need to say and give evidence to on the stand. The truth is the truth. The truth needs nowhere to hide. So at the end of the day,

you need to be sure that what you do and what you say is something that you can be proud of to make sure that you were very proud of yourself. Doesn't matter if it's bad facts. Doesn't matter if it's bad information. The truth is the truth, and that's never something to hide. You got this, Gavin.

Hi, Jefferson. My name is Susan. I am just turned 73 years, and I have been storing this vast amount of what I just heard you mention, toxic guilt for my entire adult life. My husband was abusive and my son had a chaotic childhood and he has been escalating his attempts to make me feel small. He treats me with contempt and hatred and even though I was diagnosed with lung cancer two years ago, he never came to visit. He never saw me. He never offered any help.

And I realized that I think I've exhausted all my reserves of guilt, and even though it's a little late in the game. So anyway, my question is, can you give me a good way to handle this situation and sort of minimize my rumination? Thank you, Jefferson. I've read your book. It was just a revelation. And I appreciate you being alive on our planet because you are just like, you're so, I value,

I'm so grateful for you. Thank you. First off, Susan, that's very kind. I'm glad you're on this planet, too. Here are some thoughts that I have with the little details that you gave me. There's a difference between healthy shame, toxic shame, in the same way there is healthy guilt and toxic guilt. Healthy guilt is that normal feeling of, I did something that I regret, and it has to do with self-improvement.

I mean, I shouldn't have done that. I'm going to grow from this and I'm going to continue life knowing I have this lesson. Toxic guilt is where you sit in shame and instead of saying, I feel bad, toxic guilt says, or shame says, I am bad. And it's, I'm such a bad mother. I should have done this. I should have done that where you feel guilt and shame for things that are out of your control. you could not have anything to do with it. Even if you've had a small part in it, there's other circumstances at play that you don't have anything to do.

So how can we do that? One, recognize, are you in healthy regret? Are you in toxic regret? Which one is that? Sounds like you said, you've been in toxic regret. I don't know exactly the ins and outs with you and your son. But what I do know is, if you've given him a chaotic childhood,

the best thing you can give him is a stabilized future. Meaning if childhood was chaotic and there are things outside of your control because it takes two or there are just other circumstances that play, the best thing you can give him is not a chaotic adulthood. That means you can be there as a mom to say, I'm a safe space.

You can be there as a mom to say, I'm here to make amends. I see where I went wrong. I see what I did in the past that has contributed to these things and to now be part of the solution. And ultimately, Susan, it's love, right? How can I love you better? How can I not repeat the mistakes I've made in the past?

Now, if you're someone's nothing to do with you, there's nothing you're going to be able to do that fixes any of that. I've given lots of advice on very estranged relationships. The takeaway I leave you with is if you contributed to a chaotic childhood, the next best thing you can do is make sure not to contribute to a chaotic adulthood and to provide as much stability as you can. And that means providing love. That means being a safe place and not repeating the mistakes of the past.

Hey, my name is Heather and I'm from North Carolina. My question is how to handle when your daughter marries someone against your will or against your blessing, I guess, not necessarily your will. We had some issues with a lot of deceptions from him and from her during their dating phase, and that is not typical. Our daughter, that is not who we have known her to be. They went through the wedding and we were there to support her, but we did not give our blessing. and there were a lot of things shed to his parents that were untrue about us, such as us being neglectful and some other things like that. And so now we are struggling with the fact that our daughter truly seems happy.

I'm struggling now with reconciling to this new human that I don't recognize, to continue to sometimes be dishonest with us and our family about things, and how to navigate that where we keep that bridge open at all times and offering grace and mercy while also being real. That's what I'm struggling with. Thank you. All right. My answer is an answer you're probably not going to like

because it's going to be, might feel like a splash of cold water, but I'm doing it in love. One, you need to decide you still want to have it in your life or not. if she is there's going to be some things you have to put up with if she's not then you get to choose to do something else for you but you get to decide right now how much of this person you want in your life okay you've raised her if you're seeing things you don't recognize you get to choose to have that conversation with her and decide you want to keep her in your life you're not going

to keep her in life it sounds like she still wants to be in your life and you're still there you're just not exactly happy with it. Number two, you have to understand this is all the reason to love her all the more. Often when somebody is doing something you don't agree with, whether it's a friend, a relative, a child, a parent,

and you don't agree with their course of action, you have the choice. Do I cut them out, or do I choose to love them? And here you have the opportunity to love them all the more. Because paradoxically, it's going to mean that she can trust you more. And that's the more you love her, the more she feels that.

The bigger of a window, bigger door that's open for her to return that. And to have deeper conversations you would never have if you said, oh, well, if you're not going to follow my advice, then we're cutting it goodbye. So you get to have, you get to make that decision. Nobody else can make that for you. And three, lastly, it's this idea of life. isn't done, maybe too early. You could be wrong. I'm not saying you are right now. I'm saying in the future you could be. Maybe they turn it around. Maybe they don't. But you got to give the chance

for either one. Because I know people who were not a great match when they first got around and now they're great because they had to work out some kinks. And there's just things in life that I think are ultimately very true with anybody. When somebody needs to learn a lesson, either they're going to learn it from you or they're going to learn it from life. And here it sounds like they didn't want to learn the lesson from you. So what's going to happen? Life is going to teach them. Something's going to happen where the lesson is ultimately going to be from other sources outside of you. Now I hear you saying with you're giving them all the grace and forgiveness and I know you're no doubt you're praying hard. That means you have to surrender things. You're going to have to surrender that sense of control that you want to have

over what you know is you want the best for your daughter and for the person she's chosen. Right. But you also have to surrender that and know that ultimately if it's meant for good, good's going to come out of it. And despite her not wanting to hear you and go through it, despite you not giving your blessing, blessing, you get to now say, I'm going to choose for it to be in my life. And the things that bother us, I'm going to trust. There's still a lot more to go in the race. There's a lot more left to go. And this lesson's going to come at a time when it's meant to come. So I would hope that you would see there are bigger things at play. And maybe the answer you're looking for is the answer that's going to be given years from now in a much more impactful way,

in a much more meaningful way, in a way that is going to affect the whole entire family for good. That's how I believe. And it sounds that that's something that would resonate with you. Thank you so much for the call.