The Jefferson Fisher Podcast - My Top 3 Argument Responses

Episode Date: September 17, 2024

Ever find yourself in an argument where the other person gets defensive, no matter what you say? In this episode, I’m sharing 3 easy phrases that can help you calm things down and handle defensive behavior—even when tensions are high. Plus, I’ll show you how small changes in your approach can turn defensive reactions into productive discussions. These strategies will help you manage conflict, defuse defensiveness, and stay in control of any tough conversation. Want more? Pre-Order my book The Next Conversation Subscribe to my Youtube Subscribe to my Newsletter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today, I'm gonna give you my top three argument responses that will keep somebody from getting defensive. It's my favorite advice that I use every single day when I walk into the office. If they work for me, I promise they're gonna work for you too. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation

the one that changes everything. If you're watching this on video, you can see that it's the same car, same Jefferson, new microphone. So we're going to see how this sounds. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to follow this channel. And if you would, please leave a review. If you have any topic suggestions or feedback, like feedback on this microphone, I'm going to be looking at them. When things start to get heated in a discussion, you can tell things aren't going well and temperatures are on the rise. Here are three responses that you can use right away to help turn a potential argument back down

to a conversation. Number one, you tell them what you agree with. You tell them what you agree with. Now hear me out. That does not mean you need to agree with a single word of what they said. Instead of focus on the content of the message, instead focus on the subject matter. For example, I agree that this topic is worth discussing. I agree that we need to have this conversation. When they hear the phrase, I agree, it automatically breaks down their wall. Number two, you tell them what you've learned. You tell them what you've learned. For example, after listening, I've learned that this topic is important to you.

When you say I've learned, it makes them feel like they've educated. It makes them feel like they're teaching and it makes them feel like you're growing in the conversation and makes them less defensive. Number three, you tell them what's been helpful. You tell them that they've been helpful. For example, that's helpful to know. It's as easy as that. Thank you for telling me that's helpful to know. Whenever they hear that phrase help or helpful, it makes them feel like they've invested in their own mutual understanding and it makes them less defensive. Now, as you can imagine, I use these phrases all the time, because in my profession as an attorney, I deal with conflict every day. I get hired to handle

somebody else's conflict. And the crazy part is somebody else hires an attorney of their own to have conflict with me. And so there are multiple ways where I have to use phrases that dampen conversations, that stop things from getting too hot and heated. And these phrases, why I like them so much, is that they help smooth things over. When I can tell someone that I agree with something about what they said, even the topic itself, even though it's surface level, even though it's macro level, just saying that to them calms it down or what they've been helpful or I've learned something or I'm thankful for something. It helps keep the fire down. And too often in my line of work, people want to push and push and push. I feel like they can win an argument. Instead, rather than letting them get

defensive, I smooth it down. Because you and I both know, once somebody gets defensive in an argument, it's over. Game over. You're going to have, time has to pass before you can reach somebody. When somebody gets defensive, that communication is on lockdown for a while until it calms down. So the idea with these phrases is that you never have to have that pause where they get defensive and you have to wait and start over again. Instead, it always keeps the levels low. As soon as somebody gets defensive, the communication shuts down. These phrases help that not happen. So let's go deeper on response number one. When you tell somebody what you agree with, big emphasis here, that does not mean that you

need to agree with the content of their message. This is not about who's right and who's wrong. Your focus is in the wrong place, if that's where your mind is going. As a way to think about this, instead of arguing over where the chair should be located around the kitchen table and where you should position the couch and rearrange the furniture, that's too detailed. Go bigger. Where are you going to live? What city do you live in? What street are you on? You're going big macro into this communication, not into the nitty gritty details. So instead of focusing on, I don't agree with what

you said, forget that, go to the subject. Do you agree that this subject is worth talking about? If you do, you find something about it that you can agree on. For example, I agree that this is something we should talk about. I agree that this is a conversation worth having. That is incredibly powerful stuff. Somebody is trying to talk to you and you can feel that they're getting defensive and you just calmly say, I agree that this is something we should talk about. I agree that we should talk about this. I agree that this topic is worth discussing. Instantly, it's going to pull down their guard. They're going to go, oh, great. Okay, we can have some communication. We can communicate. This person does understand. There is going to be acknowledgement there. And so you

keep the argument down. You go back to a conversation because they don't feel like they have to push and press and prove to you. So these are phrases that really do mean a lot. With the disclaimer here, I want to make sure I add this. You have to make sure that when you use these phrases that I'm teaching you, you do them with true intent. Don't use these phrases to manipulate somebody. So don't say you agree that this conversation is worth having. When you say that you agree that this topic is worth discussing, when you don't, that's manipulative. When you try to control their emotions in a way that is not true and not genuine, that is a bad place to go. And I don't want you to use these phrases for that. These phrases are when your intent and heart is true in it. So don't, if you don't find that what they say was helpful,

if you don't find that you've learned something, then don't say that. But if you have, I'm going to ask that you be more objective in the conversation rather than trying to pin and poke in every which way to make them wrong and try to control their behavior. That's manipulative, and I don't want that to happen. So with number one, the focus here is don't focus originally on the content. Focus on the structure of the conversation. That is, can you agree that this communication needs to happen? And if you can, use that phrase because it's going to make them less defensive. On the second response, where you tell

them what you've learned, I want you to put yourself in position of student and teacher in that moment. You are trying to, what we've talked about in other episodes, you're having something to learn, not something to prove. So when you can use the phrase, I've learned, thank you for telling me, I've learned something new here. I've learned this topic is important. I learned that you really care about this. I learned this is special to you. When you say I've learned, it makes it a student-teacher mentality to where you're saying, this is something new for me. I am getting this information. I am now inputting it into my system, and I've learned something. We're growing. We're

progressing in this communication. And it makes them less defensive because it makes them feel like they've taught something. They're going, great, I have shared a part of myself that you are taking and acknowledging and accepting. And now we can have this communication without me feeling like I have to get defensive in any way. It's very much the same thing for response number three, and that is you tell them that they've been helpful. The word help is very critical there because everybody loves to be helpful. They want to feel like they've been helpful. It makes us feel good if I feel like I've helped somebody else. It makes me feel good if I can help somebody understand more about me or understand more about something else that's important to me. So when you are in that position where they have shared something with you and you can say, that's helpful to know, instantly it relieves that pressure of them having to feel like they're proving something to you, that they have to get defensive. You're saying, that's helpful for me to know.

And so you are telling them, you're being helpful to me. They're going, great, awesome. Okay, we can be in this together. I help you, you help me, that way we can communicate. It's that two levels of there is understanding and acknowledgement. And when you have that together, that's called connection. And it's an awesome thing. Okay, this is one of my favorite parts of the episode. I get to read an email from a follower. So I have a weekly newsletter where I send a communication tip right to your inbox once a week.

And those that are on the newsletter are able to email, and I can email them back and answer any questions. It's a lot of fun for me. If you're not part of that newsletter, you can easily join. It's for free. It's somewhere there in the show notes below. I got my other phone here. This one I'm going to pull up real quick. All right, this one is Drew from Denver.

Drew says, what's up, Jefferson? Love your content, bro. Thanks, Drew. Appreciate that, bro. He says, hey, I got an issue. There's a guy at work that I work with. He is right across the cubicle from me. It doesn't seem like anything I say goes well, and anything I try to say to make it better does not work. He always seems to get defensive with me. Do you have any advice? Appreciate you. Drew, I feel you, man.

So there are times when you're just wanting to make somebody feel like, I'm listening, I'm listening. It does not mean you have to get defensive with me. Understand that that says more about them than it does about you. As long as you're keeping your intent true, that you have something to learn in the conversation rather than something to prove, and you can stay curious in that conversation, a lot of the defensive mentality is more revealing of what's going on in their life than something that you are doing or not doing, right or wrong.

So I wanted you to focus on the phrases that we spoke about today. That is, I can agree. I can agree this is worth discussing. You didn't give me really any topic of maybe something that you spoke about with this colleague, but let's assume, Drew, that maybe he's coming in to talk about this, and he doesn't feel like you're listening with him, or he doesn't feel like somebody else is listening to him. Sometimes people, let's say this is applicable to a lot of people, where somebody in their world, especially in the workplace, is always the victim. They always play the victim card. One way to try to minimize that is to say, I agree, or I can understand why you'd feel that way. I can understand why you feel that way. I can get where you're coming from.

You're not accepting what they've said. You're also not agreeing with what they said. So you're not agreeing. You're not disagreeing. You're staying neutral in it because anything else you add is just going to add more fuel to the fire. Here, in terms of keeping them from getting defensive, I want you to focus on, I can agree that this is something that we need to talk about. I agree that we should be talking about this to management. I agree that X, Y, and Z. It's going to be a strong phrase for you. Anything of I learned or that's been helpful.

You may not be using the second one, learn, but you can probably use that's helpful to know. That's helpful to know. I like that. That's good feedback. Any of that kind of thing that you can help stay neutral in the conversation is going to be beneficial to you. So overall, Drew, understand that people getting defensive, there's nothing wrong with that. It's all about how you respond to it that's going to keep an argument from getting worse and going back down to a conversation. So I want you to focus on those phrases, I can agree with,

it's helpful to know, or going more to people who are in a victim mindset, and that might be a, I can understand why you think that. I totally get why you'd say that. Any way that you can acknowledge what they're saying without adding fuel to the fire. Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, I'm going to ask you to please follow this channel. And if you would leave a review or a star, there is a place where you can leave comments. If you have any feedback about maybe this microphone that I used for the first time,

any questions you had about the episode, just throw them in there. I get to read them. I see them myself and like them and heart them and it means a lot to me. You can listen to this podcast wherever you like to listen, whether it's on Amazon, Spotify, Apple, YouTube, and

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